Straight Thuggin!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, BOOOOOOYYYYEEEEE!!!!

Okay, that is the last time I steal anything from Flavor Flav. I promise. What is up peeps? I haven’t dropped anything since New Year’s Eve and it’s about time to give you some random anger and rantings. It is a new year, but it’s the same Duece.

First things first. TV officially has stopped sucking. Last night at Nolan’s I watched Knights of Prosperity and In Case Of Emergency. First off, I have to say that Sofia Vergara is in Knights of Prosperity which makes it the greatest show since Good Times. If you don’t know who she is, take a gander at her beauty:

Hells Yes. Colombia has Sofia AND drugs? Sign me up for a tour of love, peeps! Can’t believe she was in Soul Plane. Oh, the TV show. Even better, the show is pretty damn funny. They pretty much rob celebrities (kind of, I don’t see Sally Jessie Raphael as a celebrity but it doesn’t take much these days to be one) Robin Hood style and it covers their plans and misadventures. Pretty funny pilot. Oh, and the black guy is a dead ringer for Bun-B of UGK. I can’t make this up, rap fans know who I mean and when you see him you will say the same thing.

Secondly is In Case Of Emergency. All you need to know is Kelly Hu. That’s it. Single, solo, that’s it, no more, no less. She is in it, and if you have any heart you will watch her:

The cup officially has runneth over. Like I said to Nolan last night; that is wife material right there. Model, martial artist AND actress. Anyway, the show is about a series of AWESOME events (that include a massage parlor, a suicidal exec and a fitness guru that goes nuts and eats his weight in pastries) that end up with the four main characters (Kelly Hawt, David Arquette, Greg Germann, the delightfully funny Johnathan Silverman and the still saucy after all these years Lori Loughlin as the doctor) in the hospital at the end. Trust me, you have to see it to understand. The show looks like it has legs, but as we know when a show is good they cancel it as soon as possible. I think the new night is Friday at 8:30 PM mountain time. Please watch, the hot chick to TV show quotient is getting annoyingly low. That and these are good shows! Brings the total of live action shows I watch to…three.

So has anyone seen the Real World: Denver? I watched two episodes when I got snowed in (mainly because there was nothing on) and all I can say is….Dave Chappelle needs to sue. NOW.



Okay, now did you hear the name of the large black man? Tyrie. Now have you seen the Real World Denver? There is a large black man. Named Tyrie. That scares the white roommates. Named TYRIE. A is swole like an, I dunno former inmate. NAMED TY-FUCKING-RIE!! Of the about 16 million black men in America, MTV had to find a large black man named Tyrie. HAD TO! I have nothing against the guy, if I am not mistaken I went to some of the clubs they were at while I worked in Denver. Or maybe not, I was pretty fucking hammered for 60% of last year. He seems like a cool cat from the…two episodes I’ve seen. Just gets a bad rep because he’s massive and black. It sucks being a big black man. If you say nothing, everyone really is afraid of you. If I kept my mouth shut and mentioned nothing about my affinity for J-pop, anime and 80’s music (Fuck you, I liked Huey Lewis. The News…not so much) people would be afraid of me. I don’t even have a menacing glare or wear thuggish clothes but people really keep away. Until I quote the Venture Brothers or Aqua Teen and people just stay away from me because I am a nerd.

That moves pretty nicely into my next rant…

THUGS

Okay, now anyone that knows me understands that I don’t hate thugs, I hate their actions. Now there is a misconception these days of what a thug is. Some think it is a person, some think it is a lifestyle. Some think it is just fashion. Well, I am here to help all of you who are unaware of what a thug is. The definition of a thug is:

A ruffian, a miscreant, a person who behaves in an aggressive manner towards others.

Not like how Young Jeezy and Lil Scrappy (What happens when he turns thirty? Is he still ‘Lil’?) describe, is it? So to explain, here is a new installment of…

LEARNING WITH MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI!!
Thug Style Edition

First things first, what are my credentials for being able to give a tutorial on thugs? Well:

1. I beat Def Jam Vendetta AND Def Jam: Fight for New York. Twice.
2. I have seen all of the Penitentiary movies.
3. I shot a dude. In Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Same thing

And if that isn’t enough cred for you, I used to ghost write for MC Skat Kat. Who is more thug than a rapping cat? I rest my case. Anyway, lets get started with the lesson. First things first:

I Poppa freaks all the honeys. Just kidding, I had to do it.

Okay, to reference above being a thug is not a fashion style or a lifestyle. I used to wear throwback jerseys and hats back in college. Why? Because I liked the teams. Just because you wear a jersey or a hat it doesn’t make you a thug. Just because you wear an oversized white tee (the DUMBEST fashion trend to come about since Pop Swatches, and I had like 5 of them bitches so I know) doesn’t make you a dope dealer. It makes you a dipshit in an oversized shirt and a wad of $100 bills. As a matter of fact, here is a list of traits that are NOT THUG, just bad sense:

Wifebeaters: Yeah…they are undershirts. I don’t give a fuck how many muscles you have or how much women swoon, it looks like a bustier. I have scientifically proven that women don’t know what they want anyway. See Fantasia’s new single, Destiny’s Child ‘Soldier’ and Shareffa’s ‘I Need A Boss’ as evidence. Thugs beat women, any self respecting ‘thug’ punches a woman for breathing because his life is rough and he a soldier for the streets. Or some shit like that, I really don’t speak hip hop.
Chains: Of any color or metal. Yeah, I have a necklace but it is from Bleach. BLEACH! I wear a chain from an anime, not a diamond studded Jesus medallion or a spinning two (for Duece) that plays ‘Girls on Film’ by Duran Duran when I spin it. Which would RULE, but I digress. Long chains don’t say thug, they say bad fashion accessory and that you don’t use power tools.
Sneakers/Boots: Remember when shoes were for walking? Now they are all about the thug lifestyle. I had Lugz boots, mainly because I have Hobbit feet (size 13) and couldn’t get regular people shoes because they end at 12. That didn’t make me thuggish, but that is what people thought. It pissed me off to no end, too. Oh, and the sneaker craze? FUCK G-UNIT. I swear those shoes were ass ugly. Nothing says thug like lime green and white sneakers. Fucksticks.
LED Beltbuckles:



I won’t even waste time on this shit. All I know is if someone steals my idea for LED Grillz I will punt their children. If anyone is going to take money from black men, it is gonna be me! Taking advantage of your own people with shit they don’t need is the black man’s dream. Drugs and spinning rims anyone? Oh, I went there.
Phantoms/Laborghinis: Okay….my guess is that being a thug is about struggle. Nothing says struggle like a $450,000 car. Once you buy are car that is worth more than the house you grew up in, you cannot be a thug. I’m sorry, the struggle is over. Don’t give me that shit about it is a stuggle to be black because I am and I know being black sucks ass. Especially when you have a white sounding name and you get the ‘HOLY SHIT, HE’S A N*****R!’ look when you go in for interviews. That and the credit thing. Which means all these high priced cars are purchased with cash. Speaking of cash…
Exorbitant Spending: I think that word is used out of context. Whatever, thugs can’t read, they are too busy keeping it real. Just kidding, they have to read Biggie lyrics, right? Anyway, like I stated before most ‘thugs’ claim that they are a product of a struggle. In the hip hop community (which I don’t think is a community as much as it is a fucking COMMODITY) having money is they pinnicle of success. That and having Vida Guerra in a video. In thugs defense…

Damn, where do I enroll in Thug College. Oh wait, it’s University of Miami. ZING! So, with all being said I don’t see how throwing money around is considered being ‘thug’ at all. I have never seen a Justin Timberlake video where he is tossing money on a writhing woman who is seeing about 1/100th of that fake money (GASP! Breaking the illusion!) in her wage for the video (a different rant altogether) on a rented Bentley. Yet that is every rap video I have seen since…well…ever? It just gets redundant and annoying.
Violence: This isn’t thug, this is just stupid. Everyone has the right to carry guns. Hell my dad is a member of the NRA and Zach loves his gun more than I love crazy women. And I loves the crazy women, it’s my Achilles Heel if you will. Hell, I am all for gun control and ownership. However, there IS a glorification of violence in hip hop and by ‘thugs’ in general with the whole ‘ride til you die’ philosophy. Odds are, if you are in a situation where your life is in danger, either you enlisted into that role or you are doing something or in a place where that thing is the norm. Violence isn’t an option, it’s a last resort. I love how people (mainly black, sadly) say that they are just following the example that is given by our leaders. What the fuck is this, Nuremberg?! Bush also nearly choked to death on a pretzel. Think about that for a minute.

Now I know what you are thinking. ‘Hey, you listen to rap music all the time!’ ‘T.I. is your pick for artist of the year!’ Yes, I take ownership of that. I do listen to rap music and yes I prefer a lot of rap artists over other music artists including J-pop. However, I just LISTEN to rap music. I rarely spout off any hip hop phrases (I have been saying ‘Smack that’ for the last few days but that was because of my alarm clock) and I don’t even dress in notoriously thug clothing (Sean John, Roca-Wear, etc) anymore. The music is one thing, the emulation is another. Hell, I live in Colorado. Aside from Tecnyc, there IS NO HIP HOP CULTURE here, and that isn’t even THUG culture as I believe there is now a huge schizem between the two. Quite simply, hip hop is they culture and ‘thugs’ are the subset of that. A STUPID subset, to boot. (Update: 50 Cent is release a line of books. He needs to fucking stop. Seriously. G-G-G-G-G-LEARNIN!!)

Well, that is enough for today. I will be back tomorrow for the Chachi Top 20 Countdown and will have the finalized Chachi’s up after some discussion about the final nominees. It’s good to be back, peep. Good to be back.

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.