God....So This Is How The World Ends? With A Polow Tha Don Beat? Figures...

So this weekend was an eye-opener and I realized something: nuclear holocaust must happen right the fuck now. Over the last three days I have lost whatever faith I had in humanity (Which was very fucking little), what little respect I had for women (If ANY, actually. Sorry but I watched an episode of "The Hills" and just for that you all should be shot in the fucking face) and have come to realize that even though we as a human race are at rock bottom someone finds a way to lower the fucking bar of asshatery. I am not going to say I want the terrorists to win but man, they bring up some valid points about how Americans are fucktards. The problem is that radical Muslims are the ULTIMATE in fucktards so it is like me calling Big Van Vader a fat-ass:

Which I would never do because he would go sick-house on my fat ass. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.

So we all know that the majority of people see being refined or having any sort of appreciation for anything not reality TV, shitty hip hop or low-brow humor as being gay and women are one brain cell short of being lower on the intelligence scale than cats (Which gives them too much credit because cats RULE YOUR FACE, BITCHES!) but that was expected and I have accepted that as the norm. It is true and none of you can prove me wrong so eat a fucking dick. However, this takes the cake that proves that women and niggas need to be eliminated as soon as possible and Persacons need to hit the market ASAP (Are you listening, Japan?! Quit obsessing about used panties and MAKE SOME GODDAMN ROBOTS YOU SOULLESS PRICKS!). I had MTV Jams on as background noise as I was getting ready to head up to Denver on Saturday (A story in itself, I tell you what) when I heard something that may have cause a rip in the space/suck continuum and may end up destroying civilization as we know it forever. Nelly and Fergie made a song together:

If there was ever proof that niggas and bitches will inherit the Earth, this is your fucking proof. Can someone explain to me why Nelly hasn’t been shot already? Remember when rappers were getting shot like they were squirrels in Alabama during the summertime? I miss those days because this man needs to GO. Not necessarily DIE as much as needs to go far, far away and stay off of my TV, radio and interweb. As for Fergie….women are fucking idiots and find her more of a role model than Carol Moseley Braun and Dana Perino (Ladies, if you DON’T know who they are then get your ass in the kitchen because you have no idea about anything. If you do, I tip my hat to you. You are one of the smart ones and you are awesome) so quite simply I expect her to never disappear. However, this is what pisses me off about this. Nelly has three Grammys. Fergie has two Grammys. That is a total of five since 2000. You know how many Frank Sinatra had in his career? Nine, ten if you count the “Lifetime Achievement Award” he got. So let me get this straight….

NELLY AND FERGIE ARE HALFWAY TO BEING AS GOOD AS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE MOTHERFUCKING BOARD?!

This is why music sucks and why people suck even more. Frank Sinatra is a legend of music, stage and cinema and yet we give movie roles to 50 Cent and call him a thespian (Which is like calling any woman a “virgin” because she only sucks dicks and does anal. Yes, you are a virgin in the BIBLICAL sense but can swallowing Listerine bring back your dignity? Or fix your wrecked rectum?) Say what you will (If you say anything at all) about my listening to J-pop, show tunes or classic music but at least it is better than anything Nelly or Fergie have put out. The fact that these two have ONE FUCKING GRAMMY TO SHARE shows that the concept of musical talent is lost on Americans, especially those between the ages of 16-30 because they are the combined largest market. They are also the combined STUPIDEST MARKET, as evident by the influx of shitty horror movies and crappy ass reality shows about stupid White fuckers with problems. Oh, and Flavor Flav’s ignorant coon ass. Yes, I fucking said COON and I will say it again. I am through playing around. Another year of douchery like 2007 and Blacks will be back in the fields and women will be back in the kitchen by 2009. Fix it and fix it RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. You cannot depend on Hillary and Obama to fix shit for you.

I know I shouldn’t be upset about this but goddamnit I have to live in this world, too. Stupid people fuck it up for the rest of us. Don’t believe me? See school shooters, terrorists, polygamists and Catholics. I rest my fucking case. If we don’t kill Fergie and Nelly now, the monster will end up killing us. Or something like that. Jesus said it or something so it must be true. Or maybe it was from “King Kong” or something. Either way, people suck. That is all.

It is so bedtime. I will be back at some point this week to offend the rest of you that I didn’t offend today. That pretty much means the Albanians. I got something for your swarthy asses. Until then, stay up peeps. Oh, and fuck bros. Had to fit that in seeing as how I am ripping people new ones and all.

Chachi Out.

We May Be Witnessing History. To Me, Anyway.

It is another Friday so you know what is coming up! You want it, you love it, you need it!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We begin this week with two videos from the Countdown’s biggest stars!

20. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #16)
Looks like the end of the road for two of the biggest names on the Countdown. Nelly Furtado failed to take the number one spot for the second straight time after dominating last spring with “Say it Right.” With nothing new from her since then, it may be about time for something new.
19. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #17)
Part two of the falling legends. Literally as John Legend failed again to take the top spot from a newcomer (Lupe Fiasco). Same as Nelly Furtado as these two battled it out for the Album of the Year Chachi Award. IN 2006. Give us something new!
18. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (New Entry)

Hells yes! This song came out in Feburary (I believe)but I just found the video. This song is the “Chance” to UVERworld “D-technolife” as it is a lot slower of a rock song but just as awesome. Tune in next week, “CHU-BURA” debuts on Bleach! Single should be out 4/23/2008! Greatest year ever!
17. Colbie Caillat – Realize (Last Week #20)
Yeah, as you know I like this song and video. I’m not ashamed to say it anymore. Okay, maybe I am a little bit as it goes against everything I believe inwhen it comes to love and whatnot but hey. Sue me, I’m a romantic.
16. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #18)
Speaking of romantic, I am SO DOWN to find a karaoke place and learn this song! Is there a lady out there that is willing to learn Japanese and do it with me?
15. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #12, Four Weeks at #1)
CRS falls another three spots this week after a big run at the top. All three artists have new videos out including NERD, for which they are doing a video for that song I REALLY FUCKING HATE but maybe it is just a promo video.
14. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #15)
You know, have they had an album since that one with “Cho Large” on it? I don’t believe so. I know they each have their own thing but still.
13. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #11)

Hearts Grow falls another two spots this week as they fail to match the success of “Himawari” this time out. Not much on an album or a new single front….which upsets me a great deal. I wonder how a band with little fanfare pulls the openings of Naruto, Powerpuff Girls and Gintama. Those are big names.
12. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #9)
Rebelde falls out of the Top 10 for the first time in 2008! It is a shock but at the same time they need to bring me something new. I miss me some Anahi.
11. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #13)

Kanye is one step away from his record tying sixth Top 10 video! That ties him with Yui and with two number ones to his credit he is laying claim to the King of the Countdown throne. How can he follow up last years’ Album of the Year performance? Maybe with Video of the Year?
10. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #6)
Mihimaru GT falls four big spots this week as it looks like they are on their way out of the Top 10. The new video is interesting and I haven’t found out exactly what movie it is from. I tell you what I did see: Sex is Zero 2. It was pretty good, but not great. Review this weekend.
9. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #8)
Two new Roots videos! Hells yeah! Despite that, they fall a spot this week but still stay in the Top 10.
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #10)

Lupe has an interesting new video for “Tokyo, Paris” that premiered last week. Pretty damn cool, unlike most rap videos. But you can’t win them all, I guess.On a sadder note, Nelly has a new video. With Fergie. They needs to die.
7. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (Last Week #14, Biggest Mover)
Usher is in the Top 10 for the first time ever! Never thought I would say THAT but here we are. Also, in a shocker this is Young Jeezy’s third trip into the Top 10 which is just as shocking as anything else. Who know?
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
After stalling out at number four, Erykah Badu falls two more spots this week and out of the Top Five. It has been a pretty long run for her first time out but I think she needs a new video in circulation. This one is getting a bit played out. It was in a Cheerios commercial. Just kidding.
5. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #7)

The Arc is BACK, BABY! Hyde and Co are back in the Top 5 with this video and single from the Devil May Cry series. I am all about this song while driving which is good and bad at the same time because people hate on the J-Rock. Eh, they are better than half the stuff here so nyah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)
After three weeks stalled at number two, Yui could not wrestle the top spot away from Bennie K! This makes the second straight time Yui has been runner up for more than one week and failed to take the top spot. Is she losing steam? Well, maybe not because we are down to three!
3. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #5)

…And she looks like she will have another chance at the top! Her latest video leapfrogs the original and looks to battle for the crown. It started off as a slow year for Yui after being gone for about four and a half months but now she is back with a vengeance. Can she finally take back her throne?
2. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #3)

Foxxi MisQ is one step away once again! The ladies are at the runner up spot and look to do what RBD, CRS, John Legend, Nelly Furtado, Mihimaru GT and Yui could not do: knock off the reigning number one video!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Seven Weeks at #1)

Which belongs to Bennie K! They have officially tied the record for the longest running video with a combination of two duos in UGK and Outkast! It has been a long run for these two ladies as it took them a month to take the top spot and they have held it for almost TWO months. Now that is dominance. Congratulations on tying the record!

That is all for this week! Tune in next week to see if history can be made! Can Bennie K hold on the number one spot for a Countdown record EIGHT WEEK? Or will Foxxi MisQ finally take the number one spot? Is it Yui’s turn to finally break the streak and take back her crown as Queen of the Countdown? Look out for Usher, he is making massive moves! Looks like spring has sprung, peeps!

I am out for now. Movies tonight (And tomorrow because I really want to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and then Denver on Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out.

Who Turned Off The Damn Heat?!

What is up, peeps! I told you I would be back, motherfuckers! Man, I have a total potty mouth. THAT’S why I don’t have any friends. So after having blogs pointed directly on a subject, I haven’t had the chance to just do a random blog about random crap like I used to do. Seeing as how I am angry at life in general (I get like that sometimes) it is about time that I calmed down and took a step back. So today, I am going to be a tad bit all over the place but follow me. To dee beech. BOYEEEE!

Chachi’s Random Thoughts!

Random Thought #1: People Need To Stop With The Kobe Bryant Hatred.

Now as you all know, I have had a love hate relationship with Kobe. I have always felt that he is the best all-around player in the NBA and no one can debate that except for the fucktards that consider Steve Nash anything but an unkempt Canadian hippie. He is a better player than Dirk Nowistski (Although I am all about “Hard Work” Dirk) and as far as Tim Duncan goes, I believe that he is now to Tony Parker to what Shaq was to Kobe during the 3-peat: someone great but a lot better with someone to draw the double teams. Yet, Kobe Bryant has no MVP awards. NONE. The man has been the most DOMINANT player in the NBA for the last 4 seasons and all he has to show for it is looking at Dirk and Steve and their pasty white asses win MVP awards for being great with very good teams. Name someone else on the Lakers right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I didn’t think so. The Suns have Amare Stoudamire (OVERRATED) and the “Big Retard” Shaq while Dirk has had a stream of players come in and out of Dallas since Mark Cuban actually spends MONEY on people to put around his starts. Kobe has been EXCELLENT on a sub-par team and yet no one will give him his proper due as the Most Valuable Player award even though he is the most valuable player on his team. Take Kobe from the Lakers and you have MAYBE a 40 win team, and that is being generous when you think about how lights-out the Western Conference has been in 2008. He had the best season on (Arguably) the second best team in the NBA behind the Celtics and MAYBE the Pistons who have quietly put together a good year once again. Past indiscretions aside, the man has been the best player in the NBA for years and this year was no different. Quit hating, he and I have both hit the pinnacle: butt sex with a White woman. ZING! I kid, I kid. Not giving Kobe the MVP this year is a major injustice. Watch it go to fucking Nash. Canadian hippie fuck.

Random Thought #2: The Shocker Is No Longer Shocking.

Zach mentioned this to me the other day and I TOTALLY AGREE on this one, home skillet. The shocker itself is a stupid idea anyway because my experience with butt play has not been good and I would only wish it on my worst enemy. Even then, I would feel a LITTLE bad about it. “Two in the pink and one in the stink” may be the stupidest fucking phrase since “who let the dogs out” and that was DUMB AS HELL. The concept that a pinkies worth of insertion into an anus is that “badass” or even “taboo” is ridiculous. It is more of an annoyance than anything else IMHO and as people we really need to let this go. Especially bros who think that this is something that should be yelled at all times like it’s a Nelly song (More on that fucker later) in 2002. If you like the shocker as a dude you are gay. Period. If you are a woman and you like the shocker then congratulations: you are faking the funk as a whore. Pornstars take WAY more than a pinkie up their assholes and they get paid a lot more for it than you do. Much like the donkey punch and the dirty sanchez, let the damn shocker go.

Random Thought #3: Rap Is The New Disco.

Okay, Black men. If you listen to any rap not by Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, Outkast, Kanye West or Mos Def you are officially gay:

This is coming from a man that is excited to work about going to see “Avenue Q” this summer. Seriously, all the album covers have half-naked Black men looking longingly at you to buy their CD so they can buy some more jewelry and clothes. Let’s do the math:

· Oversized shirts look a lot like dresses
· Gaudy, obnoxious and tacky jewelry (Hoop earrings = diamond studs)
· A crew of no less than 5 other Black dudes in close proximity
· Refusing to wear shirts and/or pants
· Overblown and uber-flashy (Not to mention sexually ambiguous) dance moves (Soulja Boy and Fabo, I am looking right at you)
· Meticulously perfected hair
· Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! (I am a victim of this but I am not THAT BAD)
· More shoes than they know what to do with (ERR FERCE WONS!!!)
· Lame ass phrases (WE DA BEST! BOSS! I’M SO HOOD!

For those of you hip-hop heads that think rap doesn’t suck, you have to look at that and ask yourself just how “hood” are you with the fashion sense of a young Versace or Liberace? Hip hop is the gayest music out there and what even FUNNIER is how macho it claims to be. I remember when Beans (Beanie Sigel to the non-State Property fans, of which I used to be) made all those comments about “hipster rappers” like Kanye, Lupe Fiasco and Pharrell being gay? And yet as much as I dig his style sometimes, isn’t he the one rapping about his jewelry all the time? Just because you have guns doesn’t make you straight. Hell, I believe that owners of guns have a little bit of cock envy but that is just me. Oh, and going to jail doesn’t make you a man. It makes you LESS of a man because you are a blood clot on society and most importantly, we all know what they make you do in the big house: toss the salad:

Damn….I guess T.I. and Prodigy will be rapping about cheese in a different way when they get out. BURN! I kid, I kid. T.I. is awesome. Seriously though, you niggas gay.

That is all for now. One last thing though: Colorado Springs is a fucking whore. Mother nature pisses on this place like we are a 14 year old school girl to her R. Kelly. Why is it snowing in April? That is bullshit! Eh, it is what it is. I am out for now. I will try to be up tomorrow but if not, I will definitely be up on Friday and Sunday. Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out.

Last One, I Promise! Tomorrow's Post Will Be About Boobies!

Okay, so I am back on the scene with a cupful of lean. That is cough syrup for you know knowers. Big ups to Pimp-C. STOP LEANIN! So the search is going well as I have a booked week. Totally trying to avoid staying where I am at unless TOTALLY necessary because morale is low but that is everywhere except Diddy’s house. That place must be like Disneyland filled with fly honeys. That will be the last of that for a while. Updates will be given as needed.

So on Saturday (I think) I ranted about the signs of a bro. Well, on Sunday Joey Joe Joe and I went to Castle Rock (Where I bought a BALLIN ASS LEATHER JACKET for only $99. Pretty good price for fat mans’ sizes) and Dave & Buster’s (Or as Zach calls it “The Haven of Pinkeye”) and I swear to FUCKING GOD that about 70% of white males ages 16-34 are bros. Now that is skewed by the 20-28 age range but still: all white dudes have the same fucking haircut, the same fucking clothing and the same STUNTED ASS VOCABULARY! I fucking swear that people get dumber every year. We are three years away from regressing back to grunts and screams. I totally hate people right now.

There was a shocking trend that I saw at the Park Meadows Mall, too. Joe commented how all the females were there with bros which is normal because that’s what the norm is and women embrace the norm when it comes to dating men for the most part because that is what is acceptable. However, the awkward part is how all pissed the females looked as the bros spent all their time talking and flirting with…each other. Now as one who hates ALL PEOPLE I rarely care about your problems unless they overlap with mine as a friend. So unless your issue is caring about a woman too much or chronic masturbation we really can’t relate about much so odds are I am listening to you none and caring even less. So Griff, I don’t CARE if she doesn’t call so QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT IT….jackass.

So after noticing how bros are so detached from their girlfriends to the point that they complain and leave them (Which I have seen) and yet they go out and find….another bro. To which I believe that I have come across a scientific breakthrough. Since I stay droppin that knowledge on the peeps it is time for a double dip, mother-bitches! I am giving you TWO POSTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Yes, you know you love it. So now, for part one of two for the….second part of my initial post. Yeah, I am just as confused as you are. First, I give you….

Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!

Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Date Bros.

Okay, get the GameCube and the scotch! Wish me luck!

Reason #1: Women Date Bros Because….It Is A Safe Pick.

Now this is a double reason. I have proven in previous posts that women are the new bros for emotional reasons but one I missed was fashion. Bros all dress the same. They shop at the same stores and wear the same styles. Trucker hat, vintage tee, cargo shorts and sandals. That is it. Go to the mall right now and tell me how many you see. A LOT. The simple fact is that the style that they have is lazy and counter-fashion. Which makes it fashionable because people are stupid that way. Since they all look the same and the bro look is in like the Wii, a woman dating a bro doesn’t make her look petty for dating for money or looks because they all look the same. Also, since all bros have the same mind set (Which is beer, bitches and bros before hoes) she knows what she is dealing with and therefore ends up being smarter than her counterpart. Tying it all together, dating a bro for a woman is like drafting a good left tackle or a great pursuit linebacker. You know exactly what you are getting and no one will make any judgments about your pick because everyone needs a great offensive tackle or a versatile linebacker.

Final Analysis: Dating bros is safe socially because since they are all the same, you really never take a logical chance. If there is one thing women DON’T do, it is take logical chances.

Reason #2: Women Date Bros Because….They Make Them Feel Smart.

Now it was weird when I came to this realization for the main reason that most bros are college aged and usually college grads (Frat Squid Pro Bro!). However, have you ever had a conversation with a bro? They are reciters (Not a word, but still). They recite whatever their idols tell them. So when your idols are based off of:

• Dane Cook (HE ISNT FUCKING FUNNY. Let it go)
• Dave Matthews (And I don’t really know what he stands for. But I am sure it sucks)
• Bono (Which automatically makes you a fucktard because he is the biggest douche to walk the face of the earth not named Hitler or Jesus)
• Family Guy (It WAS funny. Like three seasons ago)
• Colin Farrell (Yeah, we are about done here. Fuck the Irish!)

You aren’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar. Hell, you aren’t even good enough to get into Pepperdine. Therefore, most bros aren’t exactly great conversation pieces because they recite what they hear because most of them don’t have the mental capacity to understand anything past five letter words. Now let us take women into this equation. In a rant I believe I said it best: if women were as smart as they think they are, why aren’t there more female rhetors or inventors? Not to say that there are NONE, but they are few and far between. I have learned in my days that most women are not really good conversation pieces unless it is what they want to talk about, what they know (or think they know) or about themselves. Bros have no idea what to talk about because they are stupid. They don’t know anything unless it is drilled into their head violently and ad nausem (hence the popularity of Dane Cook. See, he serves a purpose! He teaches the stupid!) which women do CONSTANTLY no matter how wrong they are because that is how they argue. Lastly, bros will say whatever is necessary to get a woman into bed not because they are smart enough to know that but because they AREN’T smart enough to say something that makes sense to a woman when she tells him about her tattoos or her views on her sexuality (Like….the fucking truth). Add all of that up and you have a being that isn’t a threat to their perceived dominance over a relationship. When a woman doesn’t have to have conversation with someone that has any relevance whatsoever and can instead play to her strengths, they feel more comfortable. Quite simply, it’s like why pretty girls have ugly friends: it makes them look better.

Final Analysis: The more women feel like they are the smarter party, the better they feel about themselves. It’s the “Tallest Smurf” Theory: Even though you are the tallest Smurf, you are still a fucking Smurf. Even still, bros aren’t a bright bunch and women like to feel smart.

Reason #3: Women Date Bros Because….Bros Before Hoes!

Now this became the most counter-intuitive reason to date someone after I had a female friend explain this to me last year. You see, no matter WHAT a woman says, they have to be the center of attention. They are bred since birth to either sit back and be docile (which is bad) or always be at the forefront because you are woman and we should hear them roar (also bad). So in a relationship women need to be the focal point of the dynamic because SHE has the vagina and YOU are dating HER, not the other way around. From Valentine’s Day to lying about the fact she isn’t dressed like a whore (Old wounds, I know), the world is supposed to be about her. You know what? That is okay. Nothing wrong with wanting attention. However, my female friend explained to me that her brofriend (Heh, I am surprised I never used that before) spent the majority of his time with his friends. Now THIS is something that confused the hell out of me until I began to people watch more often. I would often see a bro with his friends (Because bros need the support of their homies because they are the new chick) while his girlfriend was walking a few feet behind them, totally detached from the conversation. Now I was told by another female friend in college that her boyfriend hanging with his bros left time for her to hang with her “girls” but in the SAME sentence she would complain about how he never spent any time with her and never listened because he was never around. Now as messed up as it sounds, it actually makes perfect sense. This not only gives them the ability to have drama to talk about when she goes out with her friends (Drama is like energon to females) but it gives her the ability to have drama with HIM about his actions. It is what we in the business call a “win-win”

Final Analysis: Since bros are just as self-absorbed as women are, they make for perfect catalysts for their own self-serving needs to be drama queens. Sometimes, being selfish is being self-less! Just like Jesus, minus the self-righteous rhetoric. And he had sandals!

Reason #4: Women Date Bros Because….They Are Fashion Misfits!

Now I am no fashion guru but hear me out on this one. We all know that women have the poorest fashion sense on the face of the fucking planet. Think I am wrong? Explain Grace Jones and Bjork. Go ahead, I’ll wait. See? You got nothing. You ever noticed how the women’s clothing and shoe section is about four to five times the size of the men’s section? Yet, have you noticed how often you see women dressed in the EXACT SAME shoes or outfit? In Denver, I see it quite often. Women’s fashion is based around either how much they can show off or how much they can alter their bodies to fit the generic vision of beauty. Which means that no matter how “different” their style CLAIMS to be, they still look just like the next girl. Which is why a woman’s’ wardrobe will consist of either shit that is too tight for them or shit that is just a little too tight for them. It’s about feigned individuality that is based in conformity. Since women embrace that, they embrace those that follow that.

Let’s go back to bros. I stated before that all bro fashion consists of the same stuff, no matter who they are:

• Cargo shorts/Cargo pants: I have said it once and I will say it again: unless you are on a fucking safari, cargo pants are gay. PERIOD.
• Sandals: They are gay. I mean they serve their purpose on the beach but you live in Colo-fucking-rado. Wear some fucking shoes.
• Trucker hats: You know, a co-worker of mine used to be a trucker and has a brother who is a trucker. Even THEY didn’t wear trucker hats. They aren’t trucker hats, they are dumb fucker hats. Man, I am surprised I never used that before.
• Vintage tees: And by vintage I mean from the 1980’s. Or shirts with Che Guerra on them which just reeks of social activism they know nothing the fuck about. What is with the Castro style shirts? Isn’t supporting a dictator….un-American? No Bush jokes because I don’t give a fuck about his sorry ass.
• Lifeguard shirts/hoodies: Okay, new rule. Unless you are a lifeguard…no wearing lifeguard paraphernalia. You are officially wearing a lifeguard uniform. If you are a lifeguard, more power to you. If not, from now on if you are dressed a certain way, you ARE a certain way. No questions asked


In other words, bro fashion is hella tacky. It is hippie-chic (Patent Pending, fuckers) and since hippies suck, those that copy hippies REALLY SUCK. Bros dress horrible but since people are stupid it is seen as fashionable. Add that with the fact that women’s fashion has gone downhill fast since gay men no longer design the clothes for them and you see why women date bros: they totally outshine them in the fashion department. You have observed them in public. When comparing the two, a woman easily looks better than her significant other in the fashion department because bro fashion is HORRIBLE while women’s fashion is just tacky. Tacky can be fixed with a actually matching color scheme and getting a size that fits (Wow…just like niggas. They need their clothes tighter, women need their clothes bigger. I am a genius!). Bros are easy to buy for because all you have to do is get them some Crocs and they are happy.

Final Analysis: Bros aren’t going to outshine their women, and as we all know, women have to be the Shawn Michaels to their boyfriends’ Marty Janetty. Yes, I just made a wrestling reference in context. I am on a ROLL, BABY!

Reason #5: Women Date Bros Because….It Is The Norm, For Better Or For Worse.

Now this took a lot of people watching and a LOT of uncomfortable question asking which actually gave me a better understanding of this and this leads into my next rant (Up hopefully tomorrow depending on how everything goes). I am not a professional by any means but in my experience and research, I have learned that there is a large community of women that do not thrive with the unfamiliar. I have seen time and time again women date the same kind of men and expect something different but at the end of the day after talking to them about it…they don’t expect or WANT something different. If your life has always been filled with drama, you expect it and if you don’t get it you either create it or seek it elsewhere. You can be rest assured that by nature bros are down for drama. Whether it is getting drunk and starting fights (Usually about them NOT being gay but FLAMING GAY) or neglecting her by broing out with the bros, they feed the need for some (Read: SOME) women and their need for drama. Even if the experience is bad, if there is familiarity with dating or showing interest in a certain kind of person one will migrate to that whether healthy or not. With that familiarity comes the acceptance of that behavior and even the treatment, whether it be good or bad. Since whenever I see white people whether it be on TV or in real life all males are bros (Sans Black dudes….which is another rant altogether) if a woman deviates from the norm that is set it causes to question their actions and take notice….and not on her terms. Which is a no-no.

Final Analysis: Women like consistency. Bros are as consistent as they come, if not unoriginal. Gotta stick with what you know.

Well, that is all for this post. Part two will be up MAYBE tomorrow. I am horrible at this schedule thing but I will try my best to keep to it. This blog will be the last about bros for a while, as I have given them way too much time these last few days. I will be back soon. Until then, stay up and read the archives. There are some gems in there.

Chachi Out

Some New Information Has Come To Light, Man!

Okay, the blog is about a day late. Went to D&B's and had a shitload of emotional unloading that I cant do with other friends. YES, I have friends! A friend....more like a parole officer but we talk everyday! I have started it and the blog will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, so quit yer bitchin!

Besides, I have the most awesome ringtone ever: "CHU-BURA" by Kelun. The song wont be on Bleach until (Supposedly) episode 168 which pisses me of to no fucking end but hey, now when you call me (Unless you are Griff or Zach who have DJ Quik and Ling Ling's Fight Song respectivly) I will hear this:

So if it takes a while to answer, you know why. I'm J-rocking out.

Peace out.

.....And It Was Written That The Bro Would Inherit The Earth.

What is up, peeps! This is an early morning update as I have just come to a realization that there is no way in hell that I can get a woman the way I am so I am just going to keep it real. The next woman to hate on the Poke Rap is getting punched in the fucking babymaker. The Pokerap is the ballinest rap since the “Kat Strut” by MC Skat Kat:

We can boogie….ON DOWN! So I went to the mall to pick up a birthday present and I was disgusted by the amount of bros there. It was just scary because they ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME. White people are fucking idiots. You heard me. Niggas AT LEAST look different….albeit stupid and gaudy as fuck. It is one thing to look like a tool but it a whole other level of douchery to look like the tool standing next to you. I mean since when was disheveled hair, cargo shorts (tres gay!), an Abercrombie and Fitch tee shirt and a fucking trucker hat fashion? Or the beanie that is also a fucking hat. I HATE THAT SHIT! Even niggas gave that shit up because they thought it was tacky. If niggas think something is tacky then you KNOW it is a fashion faux pas because if there is one thing niggas love, it is the ugliest shit on the rack. That isn’t fashion! Versace would be rolling his flaming gay ass over in his grave if he saw that shit!

Now I am sure a lot of you are still unsure on 1) why I despise bros and 2) what exactly a bro is. Well here are a few signs that you may be a bro. I do this because a female friend said she was branching out her horizons by dating outside of her comfort zone of bros (which she had never heard of. WHAT THE FUCK, BELLANIE?!) and she told me about him and….he was a fucking bro. So to help out, here are some signs that either you are or you are dating a bro if you don’t know. And if so, you should shoot yourself in the face. Right now.

1. Your Name Sounds Like A Reject From “The Dukes of Hazard”: This goes for assholes named Luke, Beau (Bo if you REALLY want to scream “inbred bumpkin), Chase, Bryce (Or Brice), Evan (What the fuck is that shit?! Gayest name EVER!), Lance (Situational), Keith, Derrick, or any combinations of initials. EVER. Oh, and Trevor is making its way up the bro ranks as well.
2. You Own A Pair Of Sandals: Unless you are a Muslim or Jesus…who is FUCKING DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK (Or existed. I SO WENT THERE, CHRISTIANS. BRING IT)….you should not have sandals. Feet are fucking nasty, especially when you have been playing Frisbee Golf all day. Sandals are gay, and as was Jesus if he was real. Muslims are just hot as fuck and need the air on their feet. Speaking of Frisbee Golf…
3. You Play Frisbee Golf: Way to make a gay ass sport even gayer. The only way I thought golf could be any gayer is if they performed reach-rounds for every hole-in-one (Wow…unintended double endure) but here I stand…corrected. Frisbee just screams lame AND gay. The name even sounds like a dance gay men do to a Cher or Gloria Gaynor song. And I have seen gays dance and it would be infinitly cooler than that shitty ass…game? What in the hell is Frisbee Golf, anyway? FUCK!
4. You Own A Pair Of Cargo Shorts: Unless you are on safari, if you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking bro and you fucking suck. No, hunting for bros DOESN’T COUNT.
5. You Listen To Any Band Of Dudes Playing Acoustic Guitar: Now this was hard for me because I like John Mayer. But let’s face it: if you listen to DMB or Jack Johnson you are too bro to function. Here is a newsflash: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND HAD ONE GOOD SONG! It was “Ants Marching” and the rest can fucking go to hell. Jack Johnson never had a good song. That one from “Curious George” had its moments, though.
6. You Drink A LOT Of Beer. CHEAP BEER: Okay, now beer isn’t exactly top dollar drinking (It all tastes like reticulated monkey ass. Don’t ask how I know) but if you are going to put that nastiness in your system at LEAST get something better than Coors Light or Nati Ice. Yes, I laughed my ASS OFF at that joke in “Bro Rape” because at my first kegger in Aurora they had Coors Light, Bud Light and Natural Ice. I hated the first to so I tried the Nati and didn’t drink beer again until I had a Blue Moon while I was working at The Q. Cheap beer makes it so you don’t feel bad about wasting money on something to play ping-pong with.
7. You Use Axe Body Spray Like It’s The Antidote For Douchery: You all know how I feel about Axe Body spray. It is NOT an alternative to cologne (No matter how “pretentious” bitches think cologne is. It isn’t FOR you so shut the fuck up) or bathing. I mean I really don’t care about the bros when it comes to Axe. I just wonder how women can put up with this ridiculousness:

If they made a scent for women that smelled like chicken or Hennessey and marketed it with a whole bunch of Black men running around out of control like monkeys I would be pissed off and I wouldn’t stand for it. Yet, women stand for this shit. It’s why you never get any damn where. This isn’t “The Accused” so aint nobody holding you down but you.

But I digress as that last comment was besides the point. I wouldn’t have a problem with bros if they weren’t used as the benchmark for what is fashionable and the norm among males 25-34. Surprisingly, the 16-24 demographic falls under that umbrella too because at the mall it looked like bro rape is starting earlier and earlier (as evident by the two dudes wrestling and playfully blowing each other’s hair at the Dairy Queen. I don’t need no bro four play with my fucking Blizzard. Thanks) as all young white men look the exact same. Much like young women did about four years ago. Although that really hasn’t changed as they pretty much look like their older counterpart except (Hopefully) less used up mentally and emotionally. However, if television is any indicator they are even more fucked up now at a younger age which makes me scared for the future.

So this is part one of a two part post as the second part will either be late Saturday night or on Sunday. Either way, there WILL be a sequel. Hell, it may be tonight because I feel like SHIT right now so I ain’t going to Denver after all. If I die, be sure to bury with my stuff because you KNOW IT’S MINE! Until next rant, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Nothing Special This Week....Yeah Right. USHER IS BACK!

What is up people?! I am back and it is Friday so you know what that means! It is time for the staple that brings you here every payday…or every OTHER payday as well.

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We have a huge week as we have three debut videos and a battle at the top of Countdown heavyweights! We begin this week with a rather shocking debut for some people who frequent here and think that this isn’t my cup of tea…

20. Colbie Caillat – Realize (New Entry)

Okay….I have to confess something. I love this song. I mean I listen to it all the time when I am driving especially at night. I just say there was a video for it so you best believe it got on here. I like this song a helluva lot more than that first one of hers. Ugh…
19. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #15)
NEW UVERWORLD! They have the new opening to “D-Gray Man” which I still have to get back to watching because I am well far behind. Too bad this video failed to even crack the Top 5 as it’s the first UVERworld video not to do that ever. Shocking!
18. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (New Entry)

A J-urban classic is making his debut! Anyone that knows anything about me knows how much I love “La La Love Song” even though it had Naomi Campbell in it. Then BoA remade it with SOUL’D OUT and it was all over after that. After a song with Kreva last year he returns with Misia (Who has a kickass voice) with this one. It is good stuff!
17. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #12, Plunge of the Week)
John Legend falls a HUGE five spots this week and looks on the verge of falling off the Countdown! He had a good run but was unable to unseat CRS from the top (which many didn’t do so he can’t feel that bad) and has fallen ever since. GIVE ME A NEW ALBUM NOW!
16. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #13)
Right above Mr. Legend is Miss Furtado as she continues to fall this week as well. The two staples of this Countdown are falling off with no new albums in over two years and we are all kind of twiddling our thumbs…waiting. Not cool.
15. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #18)
So The Boyz move up a few spots this week as they look to recapture the Top 10 success of “I USED TO LOVE HER” from 2006. They have some more (Albeit lackluster) help from superstars but let’s see if that will help. Now….the news of the week.
14. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (New Entry)

THE PUPPY CAN LIVE! One of them. One third of the Holy Trinity of Dance (Bi, Usher and Se7en) has returned in a big way! Usher is motherfucking back! He has the highest debut on the Countdown EVER with his first video since 2005 (I believe) and it is actually very damn good. I like the remix with T.I. a little better but now I am nitpicking. USHER IS BACK, BITCHES!
13. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #17)
After that return, everything else is a little of a letdown but Kanye moves up four spots this week as he attempts to get his third number one video.
12. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #10, Four Weeks at #1)
Kanye’s second video (As well as Lupe’s and Pharrell’s) on the Countdown is falling right out of the Top 10! It has been a big year for Lupe and Kanye. Look out for NERD, they have an album out coming soon, too!
11. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
After a slow climb, Hearts Grow is making a fast descent out of the Top 10. It has been a long wait for any new album news and needless to say I am getting bothered. Am I missing something here? Same with Hinoi Team. GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW!
10. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #14)
Lupe moves a big four spots this week to get his second Top 10 of this year! This video is actually in rotation on MTV Jams (I have it on as background music as I work) which is good because it is one of the few videos that is actually a damn story and has to do with the song. I’m a stickler for shit making sense. Sue me.
9. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #6)

RBD falls another three spots this week as they failed to take number one yet again. Not a good track record for them, especially with a year between videos. Oh, and their tour never FUCKING COMES TO DENVER! With as many Mexicans as there are up there? Come on!
8. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #9)
The Roots move up one spot this week as they have TWO new videos coming out. One is a European release (Birthday Girl) and the other is the official first single from their new album out April 29th. Go get it!
7. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)

The biggest mover this week comes from one of the best J-Rock bands ever! The Arc moves into the Top 10 for the third time and looks for their second number one. I also have to say that Hyde’s hair looks impeccable in this video. I am just saying.
6. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
Where in the hell is the Mihimaru GT album?! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! Their new video is starting to grow on me so you may see it on here. Still pissed off about no album though.
5. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #7)
Yui has two videos in the Top Five! Only UVERworld and Foxxi MisQ have pulled that off and now she is part of that bunch! Can she fair better than those two artists? Both times, neither video could take down the reigning champ!
4. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
Miss Badu seems to have stalled this week as she stands pat at number four. Nothing new coming from her so far and I still need to cop that album from my local recordatorium. We are down to three!!
3. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #5)

Foxxi MisQ has cracked the Top 3 for the third time! Can they finally take the top spot? As of right now, they have the most videos to chart with no number one video to their name but…this video is hot. So this may be enough to push them over the top!
2. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)

Yui holds on to dear life to the number two spot this week after a hard push from Foxxi MisQ! With two videos available to take down the current champ can Yui take down the reigning queens? Not this week…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Six Weeks at #1)

….because Bennie K is a week away from history! They have held down the top spot for six weeks which is the longest since NaNa was on top for six weeks from last year to the beginning of 2008. That means she is one week away from tying the official record of seven weeks by UGK and Outkast in summer of 2007. Keep in mind, that wasn’t consecutive weeks! Bennie K has dominated for a month and a half with NO BREAK! Congrats!

That is all for this week! Next week, you could be a part of history! Can Bennie K hold on for a record tying SEVENTH WEEK? Or will Yui get her record tying THIRD number one video? Or will Foxxi MisQ break their streak of most Top Three videos without a number one by taking the top spot? Look out; we have new videos from Usher, The Arc and Lupe that are moving up fast! Stay tuned and meet me here next Friday!

I think I am going to Denver tonight after work. SLUMBER PARTAAAAAAAAY! Just kidding, I need to do some shopping. If you want to roll, let me know. If not, stay up and I will try to post something this weekend.

Chachi Out

Keeping It Real Is Harder Than It Looks....

What is up, peeps! I am back for a bit as I act like I am doing something. Good news is I am going to land on my feet (YAAAY!) but the bad news is whether where I will land (Here is a hint: the abuse will continue if I go there) is really where I want to be at. Let’s just say that I am sick and tired of being hit for not having dinner ready on time. But they gave me flowers and told me they were sorry! No….I won’t fall for it again!

Speaking of falling for it, I have really….REALLY gotten sick and tired of women and their all around stupidity about the most LOGICAL of acts. Now what has been weird is that ever since college when I engage in a discussion (Which women call an argument but you really aren’t arguing if you are using logic. That is what a debate is if you want to nitpick) which a woman and refute all their so-called points with…what’s that word…SENSE they get upset. Then I get asked how I know so much about women. First off, I don’t know a lot about women. Bitches (Yes, I called you bitches. I keeps it gully…whatever that means) always get defensive about my “minor” in Women’s Studies” because they believe it means I am some sort of shrink and a threat to their supposed mental acumen. First off, I am officially going to refer to myself as “Dr. Chachi” because I have a Bachelors degree in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies (Because it didn’t exist as a major at the time but I have the credits for it now) but like Dr. Orpheus I have been bestowed the title of doctor by a much HIGHER AUTHORITY! That authority…the Para Para God that is Aaron Kwok:

He pretty much trumps out all the medical bodies with his HOT BODY. Did you catch the vapors? Because I did. Back to my point. Yesterday I went off about the wordsmithing and semantics of women and how they use words to make their simple plights seem like Earth-shattering breakthroughs in womanhood. If you are trying to find yourself at any point past…25 years old then by all reasons get a search party and get to cracking. However, do delude yourself or try to pass your late life stupidity as a vision-quest to find yourself. You want to be irresponsible and give a reason for it that SOUNDS like you are growing yourself when in actuality you are regressing. That is FINE, just call it what it is. If you want to have sex often because it feels good that is one thing. I am masturbating as I type this because the thought of being with a woman is icky (And vice versa, I’m sure. Some people find fat people sexy but I sure as hell don’t. I hate myself and that’s why I eat…) and no one knows how to please me like me. However, at the end of the day when you have sex often it is considered promiscuous behavior. When people are promiscuous they are thought of as whores. That is the social name and link to those actions. That is life, whether or not you want to accept it or not. I don’t want to be considered Black; I want to be considered an American. However the color of my skin and the perception of some of my choices (Love of hip hop, I like some jewelry, I always say “knamean”) lead people to consider me Black because that is the social name….and the physical name but you get the idea. If you don’t, then just stop reading now and come back tomorrow. I’ll have music videos up. If you act a certain way and follow the processes of a certain sect of people then you will be considered that. No matter how much YOU think you aren’t that and no matter how much YOU say that you don’t care what people say. You DO care and that’s why you are doing it in the FIRST PLACE.

You see, every action should have an equal reaction. Now for something major you need a major response. It isn’t only the response and how you implement it (*ahem* Iraq War *ahem*) it is about how you accept your response. When you respond in turn to an action you have to be ready for the fallout and brush back. Look at basketball. Someone delivers a hard foul in the lane to someone that has gotten several points in the paint. Now as a coach and player you have a decision to make. Do you return with a harder foul? Do you just give a little lane push to say you aren’t having it? Do you do nothing and just play the game? Each one of those are GOOD answers but you have to be ready to either be seen as a team of thugs, a team that takes no shit or a team of giant pussies that can be pushed around and they will fold like a Jew playing poker (Oy vey, that’s a lot of shevekas!). Now teams can say “we don’t care what the league thinks of us” but remember a few things:

• In the late 80’s and early 90’s the Pistons were thought of as a dirty team. They embraced it, calling themselves “The Bad Boys”

• The Redskins of the mid-80’s were seen as showboats. They began to refer to themselves as “The Fun Bunch” with team celebrations. BTW, those celebrations would be 15 yards and a $25,000 fine per person now, I believe.

• The Indianapolis Colts were always thought of as a team that was a finesse team that would give up if they were challenged on the defensive end by bumping receivers and pressuring their quarterback. This was proven correct as they were beaten by teams that played them aggressively. So they addressed that and got bigger players on defense and one HELL of a running back (I am a Joseph Adai fan, sue me) to matchup and make the naysayers statements then invalid.

• Bobby Brown was once known as the bad man of R&B, getting into fights and drinking heavy. He embraced that and became the “Bad Boy of R&B.” He then married a pop diva, turned them both to drugs and did a song with Ja Rule. They ALL can’t be winners.

My point is this: when you do something that is against social norms you need to be ready for the labels. I am sorry but that is just reality and the more you detach yourself from it the harder it is to get back there unless you find someone just as out there in their own little reality as you are. Even then, as once again Bobby and Whitney proved, love doesn’t last forever….even crazy love. They looked so perfect together!

It’s not labeling if you fit all the charactaristics. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck….it could be a platypus. But odds are it is a FUCKING DUCK. Nothing wrong with being a duck, some make a good living out of it. Just like being a whore. Nothing wrong with it at all, just know what you are. Hillbillies want to be “sons of the soil” and janitors want to be “custodial executives” but they are still what they are. Mostly because you cannot agree on what is a whore and what isn’t.

This in itself is why women should not be able to label themselves. You see, you can tell the difference between a nigga and a Black person. Hell, I have some niggerish traits. But you can tell a nigga from Black people because….well they will tell you. You’ve heard rap songs:

Hell, he is telling those other niggas to fuck off because he is down for HIS NIGGAS. It is kind of obvious that you can see niggas and what they do and as long as you TOTALLY don’t go down that route of niggerdom (Except for snitching. STOP SNITCHING!) you as a person should be okay. I say as a person because despite the epithet itself the word “nigga” is based off “nigger” which actually means “ignorant.” So if you avoid doing things that are ignorant (Pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT A RAPPER DOES) you are going to be okay. If you DO those things then you are pretty much a nigga. And niggas don’t care about being called niggas. Much like hoes and belts, they love that shit.

Back to my point, though. Women can’t even agree on WHO IS or WHAT makes a whore. Take in point Paris Hilton. Now I do not want to DEFEND Paris in any way, shape or form. But let’s logically look at this. Women go through a phase where they think that their vindication is based on sexual freedom which would be having sex for pleasure. Which is fine like I stated before, there is no real social stigma to enjoying sex (There is with being GOOD at it because if you are you should be getting paid for it like a porn star. Instead you do it for free and “self-gratification” which can’t get you bling-blong. Suck wing-wong for bling-blong! I AM A FUCKING HUMOR GOD!) so there is nothing wrong with that aspect. If the enjoyment of sex is the case then more power to you. However, women are ingrained from birth about the social and physical ramifications of promiscuous sex whether it be STD’s or KIDS or of course being known as the chick that could suck the hubcap off a Thunderbird. Women for the most part fear that stigma and usually end up either marrying the first person they get knocked up by (Despite knowing FULL WELL how babies are made. Maybe I am missing something here by not actually infiltrating the good place on a woman but…isn’t that what the money shot is for? Take a shot in the eye, your future depends on it!) OR just saying “fuck the world” and they go out and literally “fuck the world.” The latter is okay because at least they accept the stigma and roll with it. What is funny is the girls that got knocked up call those women that decided to say fuck social norms “whores” and yet once they realize they missed out on life and married a fucktard they do THE EXACT SAME THING and say it’s “discovery” when it’s their actions. Guess what? You can’t have it both ways in society. Whether you murder at 10 or your murder at 35 you are still a murder. If you have random sex at 18 or 28, society sees you a certain way no matter how you want to spin it. Just say “I want to fuck for a while because I missed out” because that is what is going on. You are “finding yourself” because what does THAT have to do with finding you? Don’t forget, sex is something that in the Christian faith (Well…all faiths but mine) is reserved for a MAN AND WIFE so to have sex outside of your marriage as a sin. PERIOD. Now you can spin your OWN words for your own gain but you CAN NOT SPIN THE BIBLE TO MEET YOUR OWN WHORISH NEEDS! YOU CAN’T! God….I am using the Bible to prove my argument.

Let’s tie this all together. The reason I even do this is that the double standard that women have against themselves is why you never get anywhere in terms of changing societies view of you. Comedians and R&B singers may say that vaginas run the world but at the end of the day it really doesn’t. That distinction belongs to the almighty dollar. Now you can say “fuck what society thinks” all you want to but at the end of the day….you need society more than society needs you. You know who else lived outside of social norms? Hitler. Ladies, are you better than Hitler? You can’t change how society views you if you don’t know how to view yourself. 50 Cent said it best:

Look in the mirror
Ask yourself who are you, if you don't know who you are
How can your dreams come true

FUCK! I am using the bible AND 50 Cent to prove my point?! Man…this is NOT a good day. Anyway, women will defend what they do as “sexual liberation” but call what Paris Hilton does “whoredom” when they are the EXACT SAME THING.:

Just because you fuck dudes for free (That aren’t me, and I thank you for that. Seriously, I like not having diseases or children) doesn’t mean you aren’t a whore. It makes you WORSE than a whore because they are getting that cash money dollars cheddar scrilla for their work while you are fucking the waiter at Bennigan’s or sucking the wang of a dude that works at Famous Footwear because you feel “vindicated.” That is what we in the mid-90’s called a….”playa hater”. Do not take umbrage with the playa. You must direct your issues to….the game:

Call it what it is, people. You gots to live by two words:

KEEP IT REAL

Peace out. The Countdown will be up tomorrow. Oh, and USHER IS FUCKING BACK, BITCHES! See where he lands! I’m out!

I Feel So Used....So Used....

What is up, people? I am back up today, mostly because it is April 9th and that means that THE NEW BLEACH INTRO IS HERE! Man, this Kelun song should totally fucking rock it out. If it doesn’t….I will be kind of pissed off. Ever since I found out that it would be the opening (And the Raw cut of Bleach 165 magically disappeared that had the commercial so I have yet to hear a sample) I have been waiting with anticipation for this intro. I haven’t been this pumped up since Bobby Brown rejoined New Edition:

Word to the mutha.

Now there is something that has been bugging me lately how people (If you can consider women people. BURN!) use wordsmithing to the point of bastardizing the English dictionary. At least niggas create NEW slang to show how ignorant they are. Women take real words with REAL MEANINGS and use them either out of context or ad nauseam for something it has no fucking bearing on. Case in point: since when did “cheating” become “vindicating” solely for the broken logic that women feel that cheating shouldn’t be a male only action. CHEATING SHOULDN’T BE ANYONE’S ACTION YOU BRAIN DEAD FUCKTARD! First off, from this point off women cannot use these words without first looking them up and putting them in the correct fucking context:

· Enlightening (Great for a trip to Mecca or Jerusalem. Not for if you realized that if you click your own button, good things happen. I learned that shit playing Nintendo and I am better at that than ALL OF YOU)
· Vindicating (The end of apartheid? Vindicating. Tearing down the Berlin Wall? Vindicating. Realizing that you can pour your size seven figure into a size four and not get punched in the stomach like you should? NOT VINDICATING. You piss on the memory of those that have truly been vindicated when you compare your decent into whoredom with their legitimate triumphs)
· Liberating (Um…you see…FUCK YOU. You liberate political prisoners and hostages. You are not liberated because you realized that it’s free drinks for you on Wednesdays before 10pm when you were married to someone that wouldn’t let you out after the street lights went out. You married him; it’s your own fucking fault. It’s not liberation, its Asshat Bail)

Now this goes for both women AND men but since the bro vocabulary is limited to “BRO!” and “SHAAA!” and “DON’T TASE ME!” we don’t have to worry about them using words out of context because they don’t know those words exist yet. Now I am not trying to be a dick here. Or maybe I am, who knows. The simple fact is that you cannot trivialize these words by using them for every little epiphany that happens in your life. Now I know that I may use several obnoxiously large words but either they fit or they are for ironic humor. Saying “counter-intuitive” is funnier than saying “That shit is fucked up, son!” You weren’t “oppressed” because you can’t fuck as many men as you want to without being thought of as whore for having no traction in your action. That is YOUR decision and it is YOUR life. People judging you is how they world works, tough shit. I get judged all day by women and men alike and I tell them to eat my ass because at the end of the day I know I have problems like the next person. I don’t rationalize my being fat by saying “it’s my body!” because being overweight is (supposedly) a health risk and I could die early. I could ALSO die from a rabid mob squirrel attack but if people want to focus on the fact I could die from my love of chicken then that’s quite alright. Being a whore not only has a harsh social ramification but a horrible physical one as well: STD’S and KIDS. Herpes: it’s the blistery badge of whoredom whether you are a male or female. In other words, call a club a club and a spade a spade. It’s not liberating that you can wedge your size ten body into pants that are two sizes smaller than you should be allowed to buy. That shit is NOT COOL. Just because you are a woman and you THINK that you are hot and all men want to look at you no matter how much you are overflowing out of your clothes (and not in the good way) doesn’t mean that shit is true. Much like the cake, you are a lie. PORTAL REFERENCE, FOOL! At least I cover my shame up.

Speaking of shame, why are all McDonald’s commercials ethnically charged? They have commercials for Blacks, Whites, Latinos and those creepy ass Japanese commercials for Asians:

I get it; penguins love McFlurries. No, wait a fucking minute! Penguins don’t eat ice cream! Fucking McDonald’s and their corporate lies! THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS! As for commercials for Blacks, check out this disturbing expose:

Disgusting. Just disgusting. I got the new McDonald’s slogan for Black people right here:

Mickey D’s: Get Yo Grub On, Nigga!

I am very sure that will show up SOMEWHERE and I will be damn hell ass rich! I will try to be back up tomorrow for a short one and Friday is the Countdown so stay tuned. Until then, stay up.

(Update: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! WHERE IN THE FUCK IS KELUN ON BLEACH 166?! NOOOOOOOO! Craaaaaaaaaap....)

Chachi Out

Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKY!

Hey, ya’ll. It is a late night update and needless to say I am feeling rather down because I am beginning to realize that sometimes you just can’t win no matter how talented you are. In the end, sometimes shit just aint gonna go your way no matter how well you position yourself. It is bullshit but it is life. The older I get, the more things are STILL like high school. People will screw over whoever they can to remain on top. Those that aren’t in the cliques are never looked at highly. The more you keep your head down and do your job the more likely you will get picked on because you ARENT being obnoxious about what you do. You kind of hoped that after school ended that the pretty people didn’t always get what they wanted even though they were devoid of any personality or talent and yet it seems that they still get ahead over those that actually do what they are supposed to do. In the end…high school never ends:

Sad but true. I was better off when I was seven and wanted to be a member of the motherfucking Voltron force. If I had a giant robotic lion I wouldn’t have to take shit from anyone, let alone someone who is desperate for youth and tries to attain it by pulling the souls from young men. But I digress, mostly because I am bitter as fuck right now. It’s not who you know or what you know….it’s who you are willing to blow. ZING! I’m here all night, ladies and gentlemen.

But enough with being a downer. Life isn’t all that bad; I still have my porn. And that is quite simply all I need for the most part since I have given up on building a sensible relationship with a woman and realized that my life can only go up from where it is at right now. Yes, I am full of sunshine, snapdragons and FUCKING LOLLIPOPS!

So seeing as how I am pissed off at life in general right now and could care less about anyone or their beliefs about jackshit right now, I saw this article and said to my self. "bullshit." Fuck the Bible. Have you never read "Where The Wild Things Are?!" How about "Bunnicula?!" Hell, even "Are You There God? It's Me, Margret" was a better book than the fucking bible. It isnt even a book! It's a bunch of out of order stories about shit that didnt happen with people that didnt exist (except for Moses. Charlton Heston doesnt fuck around. And he just died at like...2,010ish years old?) and I find it hard to believe that Harry Potter wasnt number one. I mean, the only time I use a bible is in a hotel room to beat the shit out of the underage Thai hooker whose ass I am snorting lines of coke off of as I listen to the Beatles (the hepped up on goofballs Beatles) and cut myself all while yelling "I AM THE MINOTAUR!" When Penn & Teller school your book about it being bullshit, you know its time to hang up the messiah:

You know, I really....really hate people.

I will be doing the whole WFH thing tomorrow so I will be back up by the evening. Its okay, I will have calmed down by then. Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out.

It's Ladies Night! Except For The Mingers. They Gotta Pay...

What’s up, everybody? It is a rather “meh” Monday and I decided to put up a post today. It is a post I haven’t done in over two years and it was about time to bring it back. So, I give you a special Passion of Chachi today and it is dedicated to all the ladies I love…

Passion of Chachi Presents: The 20 Sauciest Ladies of 2008!!

Before we begin there are some ladies that I left off this year for various reasons, mainly because of lack of space. But in my eyes, they are all beautiful.

Honorable Mentions

Anahi (Being number two in RBD isn’t so bad. Well…three if you count Miguel)

Foxxi MisQ (If Destiny’s Child was Japanese and less annoying, they would be Foxxi MisQ)

Yui (Nothing is hotter than a chick playing acoustic guitar. NOTHING)

Jolin Tsai (China’s version of Kumi Koda. Which isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. 2 billion Chinese people can’t be wrong!)

Sofia Vergara (To this day, I am pissed they cancelled “Knights of Prosperity” because she made that show WORK)

Min (F2T! Too bad she is way too young for me because she is odds are the best dancer I have seen since Usher circa 2004. And she is such a cutie  IN THE LEGAL WAY)


Now let’s get started!

20. Ninel Conde (2006 Rank: NR)

If you DON’T know who she is, I can’t blame you. However, if you have seen Rebelde then you know how fine she is. The fake boobies can go away but the junk in the trunk is just….muy bueno! Oh, and the mother/daughter bikini photo shoot? The most pivotal scene in TV history. EVER
19. Yuna Ito (2006 Rank: NR)

Unless you are never listening to me or reading this blog, you know how Yuna Ito rates in my book. She is the best combination of Korean and Japanese since Bi’s last album and bulgogi & sushi. Oh, and most importantly she can fricking SING. Check out “Heart” because it is bad ass.
18. Halle Berry (2006 Rank: 10)

Yeah, I still loves me some Halle. Too bad she had to go and have herself a child because as you all know having kids aint cool. They don’t have souls. Even still, Halle seems to be way too fine to have been divorced three times. I think something may be mentally wrong with her, hence the huge plummet from two years ago.
17. Salma Hayek (2006 Rank: 7)

She had all but disappeared after having her baby until I happened to see her on “Ugly Betty” in that black bra on the elevator and all I could say was DAAAAAAAAAMN! I am not a booby man but Salma has everything and an accent that just doesn’t quit. I could have done without the unibrow in “Frida” though. CREEPY.
16. Nelly Furtado (2006 Rank: 14)

Yeah, I have to admit it right now: I am a total sucker for eyes. The color isn’t important, if a lady has striking eyes she can pretty much convince me to punt a puppy (not that it takes much). So far, Nelly Furtado is one of the few ladies on the planet with eyes to do that. Combine that with a great voice and a very alluring face (albeit she needs to fucking EAT SOMETHING!) and you have one of my many baby boo’s.
15. Aly Michalka (2006 Rank: NR)

Okay, it is confession time. I LIKED “Phil From The Future” on the Disney Channel. I actually tolerated AJ & Aly’s music and hell I even could listen to “Potential Breakup Song” without wanting to find the nearest person and shoot them in the face. That being said, the SECOND thing about a woman that gets me is the smile. Aly has a show stopping (Fuck Shawn Michaels. You don’t own space, so stop acting like you do!) smile and reminds me of a miniature Mandy Moore…just so damn CUTE!
14. Shakira (2006 Rank: #2)

Shakira falls a huge 14 places from 2006 and I feel bad for doing it. I still think she has the most awesome hips in the world and her voice still annoys the shit out of me. But getting tag-teamed on camera with your husband and a married man…whoa. I will have to investigate!
13. Kumi Koda (2006 Rank: 11)

So Kumi Koda has done a good job finding food to eat and wearing clothes over the last two years. I still think she needs to not tan so much because she doesn’t even look Japanese anymore but MY GOD can she dance. I am rather surprised by her stepping her game up after my rant in 2006 about that. Oh, and she must have been working on her voice because she has more than one range now.
12. Inoue Waka (2006 Rank: NR)

Yes…my god yes. Everytime I look at Inoue Waka I just KNOW that I have to end up in Japan. Yes, I know they all don’t look like her but better they look like her if they are shapely and small than Coco or any of the other fake ass American models we have here. To top it off, her smile is Sowelu-esque.
11. Jessica Biel (2006 Rank: 9)

You know, I moved Jessica down this year for the sole reason that she is getting a tad bit too muscular for me. If there is one thing I hate more than skinny fuckers its muscular people. I think that she is falling into that Jessica Alba/Elisha Cuthbert problem of being cast in horrible roles because they think her being pretty will save the movie. Not I said the cat.
10. Hayden Panettiere (2006 Rank: NR)

Mmmm….Hayden. How much do I love thee? Infinitly now that you are legal! I kid; Hayden made some REALLY BAD movies watchable just by her presence. Dare I even mention “ Bring It On: All Or Nothing?” Too bad she is hanging out with the No Panty Crew which is NEVER a good thing if you are young and in Hollywood. But thems the breaks.
9. Kate Winslet (2006 Rank: #1)

Yes, she is back but she is no longer my one and only! To that I would say boo, but you have to actually be seen to be admired. My baby just dropped out of the public eye completely. Mostly to be a parent which I cannot hate at all about. However, I miss my baby boo! For all the ladies that ask me (and for no apparent reason YOU ALL DO) this is the kind of body type I prefer. It pisses me off how people call her shubby because she is ON POINT. To me, anyway.
8. Sowelu (2006 Rank: 18)

KAWAIII!!!!! Every time I look at Sowelu I just want to put her in my pocket! Look at her smile. It is just the most vibrant thing ever. She also has a great voice too; not one you would expect from someone so tiny.
7. Vida Guerra (2006 Rank: 5)

Yeah, you knew she would be on here. She has done some dumb things (Trying to make music, dissing Game, TRYING TO MAKE MUSIC! DID YOU HEAR PARIS HILTON’S ALBUM?! BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T!) over the last two years and intelligence makes up a HUGE part of beauty to me but…yeah she is packing heat in the back like Dante from Devil may Cry. Yeah, sometimes I can be a perv.
6. Lucy Liu (2006 Rank: NR)

Now my love for Lucy Liu isn’t as vocal as much as it is for some of the others on here but deep inside I believe that Lucy Liu is absolutely stunning. Now people say I have a thing for Asians but as Nolan is to shallow to be racist, I am WAY TOO JADED to be racist. Anyone that doesn’t think Lucy Liu is beautiful is a douche. Yes, she looks Asian because SHE IS ASIAN. And a beautiful one at that.
5. Dulce Maria (2006 Rank: NR)

She wasn’t even on here two years ago and now she is battling for my heart. Dulce Maria and all the ladies of RBD for that matter have made my life better since seeing them for the first time at Best Buy. If you haven’t seen the show, go ahead and watch on Youtube. I’ll wait. You see. DAMN, she fine! Love the whole “mall punk chic” look. Sexy.
4. Kristen Chenoweth (2006 Rank: NR)

Now I had heard of Kristen a while back on the Tony’s (I believe the one that Nathan Lane hosted…or maybe he was just on it) and her voice just blew me away. Then I heard her in Wicked and it was all over for me. There is nothing sexier than a woman that has a sense of humor, and not in that bullshit way that women say they “like a sense of humor” to not seem shallow. I mean a Tina Fey/Jeanne Garafolo quick wit type of way and if you heard her in interviews she is not the “dumb blond” that she portrays in the cinema. Oh, and her voice is MAGICAL.
3. Hyori Lee (2006 Rank: NR)

Okay, this is where a lot of people are going to complain about how I say I don’t like skinny people and yet Hyori Lee is this high. I accept and understand your criticism. There was a time (During her “Dark Angel” album) when she looked almost healthy. ALMOST. However, once again her smile gets me. Her voice isn’t as good as her peers (Yuna Ito, Sowelu even BoA) and her dancing isn’t my cup of tea (They can’t all be Min but who can be? She is the best out right now) but dammit, she is cute as a button. I love that smile :)
2. Jackie Guerrido (2006 Rank: 8)

She makes the weather watchable. I care not what you say about her, Jackie is quite teh hawt. I have yet to figure out why all of the American weather people are either dudes or mingers because that is the only profession on the planet (aside from porn star and role-playing video game character) where I believe the people MUST be attractive, male or female. I don’t want no beast-bot telling me a storm front is coming. I want the lady on the screen to give me a storm front…in my PANTS. Jackie Guerrido does NOT disappoint.
1. Mandy Moore (2006 Rank: 6)

If you didn’t know this was going to happen, then you are a moron. There is no one on this planet more perfect than Mandy Moore. NO ONE. There isn’t a flaw about her. She can sing, act, has a smile that could melt Nazis and seems like she wouldn’t mace me. In my desperate times…that’s all it takes. I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, I can’t think of a better embodiment of femininity than Mandy Moore. She is funny and talented (as evident by “Saved” and “American Dreamz”) and is beautiful without being cut up like the North Carolina defense against Kansas on Saturday. In other words…she’s got it all:

Okay, she’s no Kristen Chenoweth but few are. I LOVE YOU, MANDY!!!!

That is all for now! I will try to be back up tomorrow as I am actually heading into the hellhole for a few hours. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out