It Has Begun Again....Again.

Douchebrawl 2008 will officially begin a week from today on Feburary 17th, 2008 with a little bit of a different format!

1. No longer will the regions be closed. That means that you may see Tom Cruise in the Trollop Whore Region or Britney Spears in the Asshat Acting Region. I will TRY to keep the number one seeds closest to their region as possible, though.
2. Seeds will be stack ranked after the top seeds. This is new for 2008. This will create (IMHO) more interesting matchup for the first and second rounds. Rather than keeping all the musicians in one bracket, you could see a Bono vs. Kim Kardashian first round matchup! Feel the excitement!

So let’s begin with the NUMBER ONE SEEDS for Douchebrawl 2008!

The Number One Seed for the Asshat Actor Region is….TOM CRUISE!

Yes, I have decided to bring Crazy Tom back! The winner of the first Douchebrawl had the second running as his namesake but after popular demand he is BACK! Aside from being an advocate for Scientology (which is and always will be the suckiest of religions)…I just don’t like him. Can he take two of the last three Douchbrawls? Not if our next top seed has her way…

The Number One Seed for the Trollop Whore Region is….LINDSAY LOHAN!

Last year’s champion comes back to go back to back as Douchebrawl superstar! 2007 was a really skanky year for Lindsay for some. I still have love in my heart for her after “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” (I LIKED THAT MOVIE!!!) but last year’s write-in ended up being the Texas Western and knocking off the big douches for the championship. Can she repeat? Well, she will have to take down a certain someone for a second time in a row to do so…

The Number One Seed for the All-Round Fucktard Region is…BRITNEY SPEARS!

This marks Britney Spears’ third straight year as a number one or two seed but she has been knocked out both years before making the Fucktard Four (In 2006 by Heather Graham and 2007 by eventual winner Lindsay Lohan). After a really FUCKED UP 2007, can she FINALLY be the bride? It will be hard to do because she will have to go through a certain Irish douche that can’t bring home the whiskey…

The Number One Seed for the Musician Region is….BONO

CATORSE?! Fucking jerk. Bono was upset last year by one Eminem and was kept from the Fucktard Four for the second straight year! Now, as a number one see yet again can he clear a way to the finals? It was a shitty year in music last year so and with the new seeding system he has more competition than ever!

Now, rather than give the seeds I will just say the participants linked to each region. The seeding however will be a surprise!

Acting Region

• Julia Roberts
• George Clooney
• Tyler Perry
• Cameron Diaz
• Michael Bay
• Hayden Christensen
• Alec Baldwin
• Ben Affleck
• Colin Ferrel
• Russell Crowe
• Shia LaBeouf
• Anthony Anderson
• Nick Cage
• Quentin Tarantino
• Angelina Jolie

As you can see, the only real new big names are Shia LaBeouf and Tyler Perry. I can’t stand that bastard. Anthony Anderson makes it in for if no other reason for fucking up Transformers. On to the next set of combatants!

Trollop Region

• Kim Kardashian
• Paris Hilton
• Tara Reid
• Heidi Montag
• Tiffany “New York” Pollard
• Jessica Simpson
• Lil’ Kim
• Madonna
• Rose McGowen
• Mischa Barton
• Eva Longoria
• Heather Graham
• Tyra Banks
• Pamela Anderson
• Mariah Carey

Aside from Tiffany Pollard from “I Love New York” there are no real suprises. Although I want to put Jamie Lynn Spears in but that may be too far. I mean, she is just living her Louisiana white trash dream of being pregnant before 17. She is hurt most that it wasn’t by her father. Let’s keep on moving!

Musician Region

• T-Pain
• Rihanna
• Carrie Underwood
• Akon
• Jay-Z
• Lil’ Mama
• Amy Winehouse
• 50 Cent
• Beyonce
• Taylor Swift
• Soulja Boy
• Toby Keith
• R. Kelly
• Miley Cyrus
• Fergie

Yes, Miley Cyrus. She fucking sucks. As for Taylor Swift…fuck your stupid ass guitar. Carrie Underwood can also die. Fuck country, fuck it in its stupid, pickup truck driving head. Oh, and R&B sucks even more. Akon and R. Kelly love the minors while T-Pain pisses on the grave of Roger Troutman with every song he makes. Music licks balls. And a big hello to Amy Winehouse! Too bad she can’t get here because no one will take her Visa. Now for the last set of participants!

Fucktard Region

• Ray J
• Flava Flav
• Nick Cannon
• Terrell Owens
• Ryan Seacrest
• Bobby Petrino
• Dane Cook
• Bill O’Reilly
• Kevin Federline
• Vanessa Ann Hudgens
• Bill Bellichek
• Mitt Romney
• Bow Wow
• Snoop Dogg
• Jack Thompson

Wacko Jacko is back for 2008! Last year was all about Mass Effect and the aftermath of the Hot Coffee incident and of course he managed to piss me off a hell of a lot. Dane Cook is in because he ISNT FUCKING FUNNY while Vanessa Ann Hudgens is here sadly because she can’t wear pants. And she didn’t shave that thing; it looked like an Ewok down there. Oh, AND Zac Efron has reportedly dumped her. I’m sorry baby, let me console you. Shave that marmot first, though.

So next Sunday it will all begin! I will finish the brackets and post them on the website sometime before Saturday for everyone to few and print out! Office pools a plenty!

Odds are there will be another Valentine’s Day blog (it is somewhat of a tradition) as I am totally not looking forward to it. 2006 was shitty, 2007 was shitter and 2008….I am miserable and conflicted San Diego. *sigh* sometimes I feel like only boy bands understand me:

If only said person looked at me that way. Who is that person? Glad you asked, hopefully they are reading…

Okay, it’s actually dedicated to someone else closer (Yeah, glass case of emotion and stuff) AND Mandy Moore. But mostly Mandy. I am asking you in advance. Please be my Valentine, Amanda Moore? PLEASE! I NEED THIS!

Eh, fuck Valentine’s Day in its commercialized ass. I’m out, gonna watch some K-Dramas and listen to Yuna Ito and cry a little. Eh, it’s a living.

Diddy Out.

Crosby Stillys & Nash Have Nothing On Them!!

What is up, peeps?! I am back after a two day hiatus (If there is a Thursday blog then I got off my ass and did one. As of right now I am sleepy and not planning on doing one. If I did, lucky you!) and you know why I am here. The same reason you are here, to see the twenty biggest videos in the world for this week! Here we go, it’s the….

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We have a HUGE surprise this week, but first a debut from the biggest artist of 2007!

20. Yui – Namidairo (New Entry)

YES! OH MY GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD! Yui is back with another ballad for me. AND ONLY ME BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME! And I love her so. This song is awesome and this video shows she has grown into a woman. What a woman, indeed.
19. NLT – I Said, She Said (Last Week #13, Plunge of the Week)
What goes up must come down. And boy has NLT come down. After looking like they could take it to the Top Ten they fall six huge spots and almost out of the Countdown altogether. Maybe they will have a new video soon.
18. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #19)
All you Hearts Grow fans that are worried about their one spot climb don’t forget: they only moved up one spot their first time on here and almost took the number one spot. So don’t fret, they are still one of my favs.
17. Bow Wow & Omarion – Hey Baby (Last Week #15)

It looks like Omarion couldn’t carry Bow Wow much farther than number 15 as the duo falls well short of the Top 10. You know what, no short joke here. Although it would work.
16. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #18)
Yummy. That is all I can say. Just yummy.
15. NaNa – Movin’ On (Last Week #12, Six Weeks at #1)
Again….yummy. Even though NaNa falls a big three spots this week its all good. She is still my baby boo.
14. Zeebra feat May J & SPHERE OF INFLUENCE – Shinin’ Like A Diamond (Last Week #14)
Zeebra stays pat this week as we edge toward a new record on the Countdown. May J has her second video of 2008 on the Countdown and I am really….REALLY looking forward to more from her. NOW!
13. Abingdon Boys School – Blade Chord (Last Week #10)
ABS falls out of the Top 10 this week in a tad of a shocker. I really liked this video but we begin to get into the big dogs now. Yui is back, John Legend and UVERworld are back as is Nelly Furtado. Now….we have history.
12. Bennie K – Monochrome (New Entry, Highest Debut Ever)

YOU READ THAT RIGHT! Bennie K is fricking back! I have been waiting for this video for over two weeks and now that I have it…I just came. HARD. This video is simple but still damn awesome. And Yuki, I missed you baby. Welcome home, Cico!
11. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #17, Biggest Mover)
Even with Bennie K debuting the highest ever, RBD is still making a splash, moving up the most spots since I can remember. So um…if I could be in the sandwich that would be made up of the ladies of Bennie K and RBD…I would be one happy Diddy.
10. May J. – Do Tha, Do Tha (Last Week #8, One Week at #1)
We enter the Top 10 as May J starts us off. She took the number one spot early in January and held it for a week after the long run that was “Here We Go.” Despite not holding on for very long, she has still had a good run.
9. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #11)
The World is back in the Top 10! After almost a seven month hiatus, the group that bought us the first ever official number one video is back where they started! Can they continue their dominance from 2006? It’s a new year and maybe it is time for a new run!
8. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #5)
After cracking the Top 5, Snoop falls back to Earth a little this week. I haven’t seen a follow up to this and I also haven’t heard much about an album. You know, I haven’t bought a Snoop Dogg album since…that one he had for No Limit I think. That was a hella long time ago.
7. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #9)

Nelly Furtado is looking to FINALLY get her second number one after her run with “Say It Right.” Can she do it? Mainly because I never see this video like anywhere but on the Countdown. Yet I’m sure Sean Kingston’s shitty ass is on somewhere.
6. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)
My baby boo! After only one week at number one, Alicia falls even more this week, out of the Top 5 even! I wonder what her next single will be? We are into the top five!
5. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #7)
Sowelu and her fine ass has a new video coming soon! Not only that, she has moved into the Top 5 once again! Can she take the top spot without the help of EXILE? We will have to see, we have some heavyweights up here!
4. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #6)
Like this man right here! Five videos, five Top Fives. JOHNNY FIVE IS ALIVE! I had to, I’m sorry. Can he take the top spot for a record 4th time? Well, he will have to topple three other acts to do so…
3. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

After two weeks at number one, NaNa is knocked from her throne! After holding the top spot for 10 of the last 12 weeks she finally has her amazing run end. I am STILL waiting for a new video, woman! Gimme now! We have a new number one! Will it be a first timer?
2. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #3)

After years of rocking the box, HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR are one step away from rock and roll immortality! They move up one spot this week, giving them the runner up spot and looking to maybe take the crown. To take the crown, they have to battle a supergroup!
1. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, Pharrell and Thom Yorke of Radiohead finally take the top spot! Can anyone stop this super group? I mean I feel good that I have gotten about 10 people to listen to this song and love it even if you don’t like rap. If you cant appreciate this song and video then you suck ass. Congrats to Kanye on his second number one video on the Countdown!

That is it for this week! Tune in next week to see if CRS & Thom Yorke can hold on for a second week in a row! Or will HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR finally go where only UVERworld and Abingdon Boys School have gone and be the third ever rock video to top the chart? Or will NaNa bounce back and reclaim her throne? Look out for John Legend, UVERworld, Nelly Furtado and even a returning Bennie K! Tune in next week to find out who takes the gold!

Tonight it’s (odds are) off to Denver (I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION! WHY MUCH I BE SUCH A DWEEB?!) and Saturday it’s the same but on Sunday with no Super Bowl I will get the Doucheology for the 3rd Annual Douchebrawl finished! Until then, stay up peeps!

Diddy Out.

Well, By 2009 We Will Be Back To The Plan-fucking-Tation

Um....let me get this straight. They cancel:

- Roc
- Frank's Place
- Homeboyz In Outerspace
- Red 'n' Meth (NOOOOOOO!)
- That Wanda Sykes show (I think thats what it was called)
- Girlfriends (Which was dumb as shit but at least the women on there could read and didn't "Pop, Drop & Lock It")
- Class of 3000 (Not sure if its cancelled, but I havent seen it in a while. Coolest show on Cartoon Network not featuring a talking milkshake or a self-loathing Black man)

Well, Ward Connerly is pretty self hating but still. For those of you who DONT know who he is, he is the cocksucking, light-skinned asshat that said "Supporting segregation need not be racist. One can believe in segregation and believe in equality of the races."

WHAT THE FUCK, FUCKY?!

But I digress. My issue isn’t with this cockslot, my issue is with this. FLAVOR FLAV GETTING HIS OWN FUCKING SITCOM?! About being a fucking jiggabo?! Now I know a lot of people don’t know what that means. Just think Nelly with Black face and a bale of cotton while singing “I Wish I Were In Dixie.” I mean “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” was funny and had substance. This show couldn’t be any less funny if they had a dude that wanted to fuck hamsters. They had one in Ebichu and it actually was funny as hell. Beastiality is a hard joke to make work.

Anyway….why is Flavor Flav getting his own fucking sitcom about this shit? Well, why complain. Can’t be any worse than this:

Pick that cotton NIGGEERRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I love me the massa! Yes, I's do!

(UPDATE....Because I am still pissed off)

Yeah, that is offensive. It was meant to be. Happy Black History Month! Be sure to go out and thank a Black person for...um....not robbing you or something. We will get you back in March!

Anyway, new blog today about how much I hate Black people that allow the porch monkey, watermelon eating, spear chucking, shucking and jiving stereotypes to live on and get put on TV. Thank you, Flava Flav. You officially moved the movement back to the beginning of the Tuskegee Experiments. Herpes for all! If you dont get it, read a fucking book. *Sigh* Is this what my granddad sgot sprayed with hoses and attacked by dogs for?! Is this the thanks he gets for getting ran out of Arkansas for trying to fucking vote?! Or eyeballing a white woman either way its FUCKED UP.

Oh, and this is rather funny:

In the way that a gypsy tossing a baby at you to pick your pocket funny but still. I am going to bed. Massa dont want me late to work in the field no mo'. That cotton aint gon pick itself!

Sorry to those that are offended....but DAMMIT! C'mon, Flav! You were in Public Enemy! Bass in yo' face! Not watermelon! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I will be back on Friday for the Countdown.

Diddy Out

What Time Is It?! DIDDY TIME!

Okay, over the last couple of weeks (years actually, if I include my college years) I have been asked what is my political affiliation. Well, sadly I am registered as a Democrat because I changed in 2004 for some ungodly reason (Mainly ease). Initially in 1998 I registered as an Independent because I could not be a Democrat because I am about Republican on some issues:

• Against gun control SOLELY for the fact it is in the Constitution. However, that doesn’t mean that they haven’t raped it for all its worth. Patriot Act? The fact the South is allowed to have a say in ANYTHING? Didnt they try to break up the Union at some point? Personally I don’t believe anyone NEEDS THE RIGHT to own a fucking gun but no one really NEEDS THE RIGHT to vote. Yet women and darkies have it. So I needs my gun to keep them from the polls. Once again, I fucking kid you!
• I am all for the death penalty solely because it is like a really, REALLY late abortion. And if anyone deserves to die, it’s criminals and babies. I KID! I so fucking kid.
• I am against raising the minimum wage. If you are going to work at a shitty place because you didn’t get a degree, you deserve shitty pay. Now if you are working at a place making minimum wage and you HAVE a degree I believe your right to bear arms comes into play and you should shoot that place up.
• I don’t care about Global Warming. Let me explain something to you: when you have too much heat in a pot, there has to be a place for the heat to escape. The hole in the ozone layer has been this size before (if you believe science which I do) and it is to regulate the heat. Besides, hugging trees is for hippies and hippies deserve to be beaten to death with their iPods and ran the fuck down with their hybrid cars. Smug cock suckers

However on some issues, I GUESS you could consider me a Democrat:

• I am all about abortion. I aint having sex (or women aint having sex with me, depends on how you spin it) so I have no need to worry about having a baby taken out of me. The fact is that I really don’t care what a woman does with her fucking body. Your business, your life. I don’t give a shit when life begins so stop with that murder bullshit. One person’s murder is another person’s mercy killing or “collateral damage” so fuck off, shitbrick.
• I am SO ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. Anything that pisses off the White man is okay by me. Which is an odd stance due to my love of the White man and his ever knowing wisdom and kindness but sometimes, you want to see him taken down a peg. Also, you cant tell me there isn’t ONE BLACK PERSON that cant fill a job better than a White person. Have you seen the NBA lately? Or even the NFL minus the QB position because we all know a Black man’s big lips and small brain cant call the cadence. It would sound like Mushmouth from Fat Albert. Bluba-twentytuba! Okay….that was fucked up.
• I am all about gay rights. You want to get married? Knock yourself out! Anything to piss off the Jesus loving asshats of the US and A is fine by me! You want to be able to be yourself in public? Go for it! Anything to fuck up the youth of America! Like they haven’t seen worse on MTV or the damn internet. Besides, gays have all the cool stuff! If we had a gay president the USA would be FAB-YOU-LOUS! I kid, let people be them. Except Catholics. Fuck them bastards.
• I am AGAINST PRAYER IN SCHOOL. I have said it once, I will say it again: FUCK JESUS AND HIS PARTY POSSE. He died for being a mouthy Jew, get over it. I don’t want my kids praying to a pussy. Now Denver the Last Dinosaur? That is a religious figure I can get behind:

Just as fake as Jesus and twice as rockin! He’s my friend and a whole lot more! Jesus just has holes in his hands, which makes playing the guitar damn near impossible.
• I am totally against POINTLESS (read that word, asshat-patriots) military spending. On the wrong shit, I mean. I am against buying stupid weapons to fight the war on terror and giving weapons to kids that can’t even fucking beat Halo. Yes, I hear your “robble robble” about protecting my freedom and whatnot but if they are poorly trained and even more poorly equipped to handle the new threat, how is tossing money at the problem going to fucking help? Exactly. The solution is SMARTER SPENDING. On what, you say? I am so glad you asked. MegaZords:

If we had these, we would need five troops (one chick, one black and one quirky) and all battles would be solved in 30 minutes or less. Unless it is a two parter and then they get new equipment! It is a win-win!

Where the problem lies is what I am indifferent on:

• Fuck Taxes. I pay…er…THEY TAKE the money anyway before I see the shit so why do I care? Not a real argument but when I think about it my taxes were about the damn same no matter whether it was Clinton or Bush in office. So I am rather indifferent about paying taxes so that aint really a big selling point
• Fuck Big Business. Forget what Democrats and Republicans say about each other party being in the pockets of big business. ALL CANDIDATES ARE IN THE POCKETS OF BIG BUSINESS NO MATTER WHAT SHITTY POLITICAL AFFLIATION! Think about who runs for office:
o Children/Siblings of politicians or as I call them “Legacy Votes” without the hazing
o Lawyers. Need I say more?!
o Multimillionaires. Because they can afford that shit. When was the last time you saw a poor person run for office? Aside Jesse Ventura because Vince never paid him as much as Hogan or Andre
• I don’t care about the war. And never will. War is hell and shit happens. If that is your deciding factor for voting how you are a fuckwit. Yes I have friends over there and yes the war is pointless and has gone on way too long like a SNL skit. At the end of the day, 90% of them knew this could happen and the other 10% are kind of screwed because it is too late to go to Canada now.
• I Could Care Less If Your Child Is Left Behind. I don’t blame the government and I don’t blame parents anymore (although it is logically your fault) for kids being stupid. I blame PBS. I learned more from the Electric Company and Sesame Street than I ever did in high school:

It’s survival of the fittest. I’m fat as hell and I know that if a bear gets let loose in a store either I have to overpower it or toss a small Mexican child in the way to aid my escape. Bears love Mexican children. Remember Baloo? Wait, Mowgli was Indian I think. Eh, either way I am indifferent about education.
• DRUGS RULE. Listen, normally I am against drugs but some of my happiest days were at Denver Tech. Sadly, I only know of those days in “Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas” type flashbacks and “Dude, remember when you tried to elbow drop that horse of the top of the house! TITS!” The fact is that if people want to do drugs, the easiest thing to do is control the substance. Make some cash fetti off that shit! Imagine being able to go to the pharmacy and either get diet pills or crack? Nasal spray or coke? That would be awesome and should be our right as AMERICANS! Okay, in all seriousness we all know if the government could find a way to regulate and tax narcotics without looking like Nino Brown they would do that shit. I shudder to think about Obama ending up like Wesley Snipes trying to legalize the drug game. Sit yo’ five dollar ass down before I make change! Now THAT’S a President.

And lastly

• I Could Give Two Fucking Shits About Your Family Or Your Values. I don’t need to have religion in my government and guiding its decisions. I was having a political conversation with someone a few years ago and I stated that having a God-fearing President doesn’t make him good, it makes him a pussy (not in those words but that is what I meant). She had the nerve to say to me that she believes that all Presidents should believe in God because it makes the better leaders. First off it took everything in me not to slap the shit out of her and leave her in a ditch. However, it got me to thinking: THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS THINK THAT WAY! Or are too much of cockgobblers to disagree with the religious right. I personally do not care. Christianity (because that’s where 40% of the stupidity lies with 55% being in Islam and the final five being those fucktard Presbyterians. Assholes) should NOT be in schools, government or anywhere else but a church. And by church I mean Church’s Chicken. It’s tasty eating from what I heard.

The fact is that this country needs to realize that there is no right or wrong party, just right and wrong candidates. The wrong candidates:

• Mitt Romney (He wants to fuck your daughter. Hard. No matter how old. And that aint cool)
• Hillary Clinton (She is about as sincere as…well, Mitt Romney at an 8th grade Sadie Hawkins Dance)
• Mike Huckabee (Yeah….he’s fucking retarded. I can take a darkie and I can take a batch of lady parts but a blithering idiot? Oh wait….well I can’t take ANOTHER blithering idiot. Could you imagine him with nuclear weapons? “DAAAAAAAH I CAN BLOW UP BOLIVIA! YAAAAY!!” Not I said the cat)

Which leaves two people that have a chance to literally change not only how the WORLD views our country but how we view ourselves as well. Neither one is dry humping the bible but neither is a corpse raping pagan worshiper (see: Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton. Mostly Mitt, I figure he doesn’t care whether she has a pulse or not as long as she has grass on the field. We all know Hillary eats babies. That’s why Chelsea never calls or talks about “their other daughter”). It leaves (IMHO) Barack Obama and John McCain. No, I haven’t made my decision completely so stop asking. I always save that for debates unless except Bush vs. Kerry because that was like watching a drunk panda try to mate with a fucking ruffied-up ferret. No one knew why they were trying and in the end you were just dumber and disgusted watching it happen.

Oh yeah, my original point! Well, after meeting Rick and finding we had almost the same political beliefs (We differ in the ways Bono should be killed. The arguments get heated) I thought Libertarian was a fit except that would mean that everyone should be happy as long as it doesn’t hurt or infringe on my well being. I personally don’t want that. I want everyone else unhappy but me because everyone else sucks ass. Then I decided what I should be. My own party. The ultimate party. The BALLINEST PARTY!

The Diddy Party.

Because aint no party like a Diddy party! It don’t stop! Seriously, people are still upstairs from his 1997 Super Bowl party chillin. The Diddy party is about straight ballin till you fall. It’s about shakin off them haters like the Harlem Shake during a cold snap!

Hell yeah, I’m bringing it back! We gonna do that at the Inauguration, bitches! So join the party that is about not just change, but makin that change! Dolla, dolla bill ya’ll! Get that cream, fool! Let’s make the United States of America the ballinest country in the world. Nah son. The UNIVERSE. Dare I say….the Diddy-verse. Uh huh, yeah. I am out for now. This was a long ass post so I wont be back up until the middle of the week unless something pisses me off even more than my flat tire this morning. Until then, stay up peeps. And keep ballin!

Diddy Out. Vote, it’s Diddy-tastic!

Looking For Some Late Night Grooves...

A couple of things I learned today running my errands and attempting to cross county lines despite what the restraining order of a certain young lady says (YOU MINE, GURL! YOU MINE!):

1. Colorado Springs is located in the anus of Satan’s realm. Seriously, the weather in this place bites ass. It went from being 41 degrees at the Chapel Hills Mall to fucking Tibet by Woodland Park with no one moving. This place can be “teh suck” sometimes.
2. Koreans suck. Now that is rather ironic coming from me and my love of Korean movies/K-Dramas, music and of course Bokgo but SERIOUSLY. If you don’t trust Black people then don’t put a store there. It is Colorado Springs, not South Central Los Angeles. Lay off the BET and “Menace II Society” and either be cordial to everyone that patronizes your store or get the fuck out of the area and put it around the ever wise and all knowing White man. Because that’s where the big bucks are. If you don’t like Black people in your store, just put up a sign. Or start playing Lynard Skynard.
3. Japan, same to you. Don’t think I forgot about DBZ’s Mr. PoPo:

4. The next 45 year-old woman that eyeball fucks me is getting shot. Seriously, I am no longer playing around. I am not a piece of meat and I am not hot so I have no idea why you are checking me out. Does desperation radiate off me like gay off of Bros? Speaking of gay…
5. The next gay couple that eyeball fucks me is REALLY getting shot. I don’t want one gay man, let alone TWO. I guess I was in bath & Body Works for a long time but I like my skin to be soft! That doesn’t make me gay! Using SPERM to make my skin soft after a rough round of gay sex makes me gay! And I don’t do that, mainly because the thought of being sexually intimate with someone else, male or female, just seems icky and scary to me.
6. Skittles should NOT BE CHOCOLATE!!

I like my fruity and my chocolate candies clearly defined and separate but equal shelves. I said nothing about chocolate covered cherries or orange flavored chocolate but this has gone far enough! No race mixing in candies!
7. Some women CAN take a joke. Too bad they work at grocery stores and are under the age of 19: “What’s with all the lotion?”
“Well….um….masturbation mostly.”
“Really? Why not Vaseline?”
“No moisture! Lotion is dual function. Pleasure AND soft hands!”
“Yeah, I can dig that. Nothing worse than a chaffed wang.”
Yeah, I should have hit her over the head right then and married her. Sadly, no one else found our little dialog funny. The looks on their face were priceless. *Sigh* I am destined to end up alone. Or in Japan. Either way, I’m gonna feel REAL DIRTY.

Yeah, today was the most eventful uneventful day in history. Oh yeah, Super Bowl prediction. Well, I really don’t give a rats ass about the Patriots. On the other end, Eli Manning can go to hell. Randy Moss is a fucktard and everyone else on the Patriots could get raped by polar bears for all I care. That leaves the New York Giants. The only good thing about the Giants is that they play in the Meadowlands, a stadium that has been graced by the greats of stadium rock such as:

· Forigener
· Cutting Crew
· Air Suppy
· Brian Adams
· Kansas
· Survivor
· Ladysmith Black Mambazo

So that gives them the advantage because the combined might of all those artists will have them rocking the shit out of University of Phoenix Stadium. Wait…WHAT?! UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX STADUIM?! What’s next, Arapahoe Community College Field for the Broncos?! God…I hate corporate sponsorship.

Anyway, for my legit analysis. It there is one thing that the Giants can do, it’s rush the passer. They will have to because aside from shitty ass R.W. McQuarters (ask Griff how many times I burned his ass and how many punts he fumbled that cost him against me in Madden during my 5 year undefeated streak) I don’t remember anyone in their secondary. So their front seven will have to be all over Tom Brady like his babymamma will be for child support. BURN!! As for the Giants offense vs. the Patriot defense….good luck picking that one. The Giants can run the ball (which is New England’s literal weak spot when a team can do it effectively) and that is what they will have to do because Eli is GOING TO FUCK UP. You just have to keep the result of that fuck up to result in minimal damage. In the end, albeit the Patriots are undefeated they are not unbeatable. I honestly think the Giants can win this game. You know what, though?

THEY WILL.

I am picking the upset here. Odds are incorrectly because there is NO WAY the NFL is going to let New England lose (Think the Game Six of the Lakers/Kings Western Conference Finals levels of asshatery on the refs part) but I really think that Carl said it best:

BOSTON CAN SUCK IT!

The Giants pull the upset, 33-27.

Today We Look At The Shark, Better Known As "The Asshole of The Sea"

Late night update, bitches! I am up near midnight but it was well worth it. So now, since I am up it is time for the first movie review since “The Golden Compass” last December! I give to you…

Master Chief Captain Diddy Goes Hollywood!: Strange Wilderness

So, I just got back from what may be the sleeper comedy of the year. Two years ago, a little movie called ”Grandma’s Boy” opened in January that looked to be a little film that no one would watch. That movie became arguably the best movie of 2006 because it was that fucking funny:

Fast forward to 2008 and a small budget, low-hype movie by the name of “Strange Wilderness” comes to theaters. All I will say to you right now is this:

GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE NOW!

Yes, I am telling you this is a funny ass movie. If you liked “Grandma’s Boy” (And who fucking didn’t? The terrorists) and “Without A Paddle” (surprisingly non-crappy) then you will love this movie. I laughed a hell of a lot more than I did at “Juno” (although it was one of those “classy” movies like “The Notebook” and “The Mack” with Richard Pryor) and it has what you would expect from a Happy Madison production. Most importantly, DANTE IS FUCKING BACK! Dude anyone can get past a dog, but nobody fucks with a lion! Overall, this movie has more laughs than any movie I have seen since ATHFCMFFT. There are some gross out moments (the turkey, the pygmies story about testes, the ending which made no more sense than a seven layer burrito) and some dangling sub-plots (like FOUR!) but that is kind of expected for a movie of such irreverence. Quite simply, everyone plays their parts stellar and all are hilarious. Especially Justin Long as a stoner. He may be the Apple prick and he may not even be really acting but man, that shit was FUNNY. This movie gets the first perfect score of 2008…

10 out of 10 stars!
(Great movie, awesome comedic acting and Ernest fucking Borgnine. The faults are so minor that you will be laughing so hard that most people will miss them. Even with those flaws, this movie was pure funny. If you don’t like it, that’s understandable. Not many people liked “Grandma’s Boy” but they were fucktards so they don’t matter. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!)

So that is all for now. All I can say before I go to bed is…Hirano Aya in short shorts is fucking hot.

The Hare Hare needs to take off over here RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! This dance puts the “Crank Dat” phenomenon to shame and its hot Asians doing it rather than yahoo-gangsters and quasi-thugs running around like they are going to shoot up the fucking club. I digs the yellow rice, what can I say. I’m out, peeps.

Stay ballin, ya’ll.

Are You Ready To Work For The Weekend?!

It is about that time! It’s time for the…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We have THREE big debuts this week, so let’s get started!

20. James Morrison - Give Me Something (New Entry)

Now this is a song I have been rocking for about two months (Around Thanksgiving, actually) and is quickly becoming my favorite song. Mark this down: James Morrison will follow along the lines of J-Tim, Adam Levine, John Mayer and Robin Thicke as white dudes with soul. Guarantee he is on a Kanye West song in the next six months.
19. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (New Entry)

HELLS YES! It is about damn time Hearts Grow came back! It has been several months since “Himawari” almost took the top spot and this video is in the same vein but the song is a lot mellower. Not saying much because it is happy goodness but still, I love this video!
18. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #20)
Well, we all know how I feel about this group. I love Hiroko with all my being so they move up two places as they look for their third Top Ten video. Now it is time for the BIG debut…
17. RBD - Inalcanzable (New Entry)

OH. MY. GOD. Anahi….I love you. Seriously, maybe even more than Alicia Keys. Maybe even more than NaNa (MAYBE!!). Oh, you brought your friends, too?! Hells yes! Except for The Uck. He can go to hell. But RBD is back and their album from last year is awesome!
16. Asian Kung-Fu Generation – After Dark (Last Week #14)
AKFG falls another two spots this week and look to be on their way out after a pretty successful run. Their new song is growing on me and the video is okay but not stellar. Waiting for the single, though.
15. Bow Wow & Omarion – Hey Baby (Last Week #17)
Damn it! Why do I like this song?! It confuses the hell why I listen to this all the time! You know….if Usher and TI joined forces…I think my head would explode from the awesomeness of that song. I can only pray.
14. Zeebra feat May J & SPHERE OF INFLUENCE – Shinin’ Like A Diamond (Last Week #15)
Zeebra is doing pretty well for his first time on the Countdown. It helps that he has May J and her sexy behind on his side, though.
13. NLT – I Said, She Said (Last Week #12)

NLT drops a spot this week after coming dangerously close to the Top 10. I am being told their album comes out in the middle of next month. Interesting to hear the complete sound of these guys.
12. NaNa – Movin’ On (Last Week #10, Six Weeks at #1)
So for the first time since October of 2007, this video is not in the Top 10. That is longer than any other video in the two years this has been going on every Friday. That is STAYING POWER, people.
11. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #13)
Well, UVERworld is one step away from their SIXTH TOP TEN VIDEO. It has been a pretty dominant ride for The World as they look to show the newcomers (ABS, NaNa, etc) who is the real king. We are into the Top 10!
10. Abingdon Boys School – Blade Chord (Last Week #8)
ABS falls another two places after failing to get to the Top 3 for the third time. Even still, this is a beginning to another rockin’ ABS album. And rumor is TM is going back into the studio for some TM Revolution goodness! 2008 will be the greatest year ever!
9. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #11)
Mmmmm, tastes good! First UVERworld and now Nelly. She now has her fifth Top 10 video which is the most by a female artist yet. Others may come close but no one can top the queen. Yet….
8. May J. – Do Tha, Do Tha (Last Week #6, One Week at #1)
….because even though May J falls another two places this week, she has another video on the move and could tie Miss Furtado sooner than later. We will have to see!
7. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #9)

Speaking of sexy ladies, Sowelu is gradually moving up the Countdown this week! Much like “24Karats” this video is taking a slow ride up as it moves toward the top. Could this be Sowelu’s year?
6. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #7)
Another day, another John Legend video moving up the Countdown. This is pretty old hat from the King of the Countdown. Can he tie UVERworld with his third #1 video? That is something that will make history. We are into the Top 5!
5. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #4)
After looking like he was going to play with the big dogs, Snoop falls one spot this week. He is still in the Top 5, which makes this less bad but with some legends nipping at his heels it may be time to go back to the pound for Big Snoop Dogg.
4. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
After falling from the top spot, Alicia falls two more spots as it looks like her reign is over. It is a shame because she is sexy fine! Not only that, but she may be the most perfect woman I have ever laid eyes on or listened to. I can even take her thug speak…which scares me.
3. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #5)

HaMC move into the Top Three for the first time ever! They have a long list of kick ass tunes and videos (“Pride”, “Ichirin No Hana”, “Dreams”) but this is their first time on here and they are making the most of it. Can they hang with the veterans below them? Time will tell!
2. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #3)

I am beginning to get other people into this video. It was on the Kanye West mixtape (The one with my guilty pleasure “Pro Nails” by Kid Sister) and I kind of went “Well that was novel” when I heard it. Now I can’t get it out of my head! Although Radiohead sucks (I said it) Thom Yorke actually sounds normal in this. With CRS at number two…
1. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

….the champ is still here! For the second week in a row, NaNa tops the Countdown with what could end up being the biggest video of 2008. I was listening to this on the way home from work and I am still not tired of it. I am still waiting for an album but that’s okay. This video will tide me over.

That is all for this week! Can NaNa make it a cool 3 weeks at number one? Or will the combined power of CRS finally end the domination by estrogen on this Countdown? Or can HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR get their first number one video ever? Tune in next week to find out!

It’s party time this weekend as the Super Bowl is coming and at some point next week I have something special. I will have the first ever “State of the Black Union Address!” Tune in….it’s gonna be scathing. Until then, stay up peeps.

Diddy Out.

Shouldn't You Be Asleep?!

Seriously, I try to avoid most music at all costs unless I can monitor it myself but...Flo-Rida's "Low" is every-fucking-where.

"Come to Chase, our interest rates are low-low-low-low-low-low-low-low!"

And once again....it is because of women. I used to like the song (for about...three days? Maybe five?) until it was everyone's ringtone, horn and ringback. Even George Bush Jr. has it:

"My approval rating is low-low-low-low-low-low-low-low!"

Okay, that was funny. While I have your attention, these artists need to stop being everywhere because they suck:

DJ Khaled (WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU DO?! DIE AL-FUCKING-READY!! WHO?! YOU, NIGGA!)
Fergie (Women who say she’s hot are really looking at a man. It explains why you get hot and bothered. She looks like fucking Scott Steiner)
Sugarland (Country sucks. It sucks gay cowboy balls)
Plies (See country. Hip hop REALLY sucks. They are trying to fix it, but this man is NOT HELPING)
Rihanna (No. Just fucking no. Stop, Beyonce wants her style back bitch. As a matter of fact....(
Beyonce (Take your camel faced husband with you)
Soulja Boy (Not even going to go into this one. You already know)
Shawty Lo (If you havent heard him...you sadly will)
Sara Bareilles (I don’t want you to write a love song...just a good one)
Yellowcard (Or was it Simple Plan? Or was it Secondhand Serenade? Hey, they are all THE SAME FUCKING BAND! FUCK OFF, SUCKASS!)

There are more, but I am tired as shit and have to work in 5 hours or so. I’m off to bed. Oh, and Marvel…way to be a bunch of fucktards. BUCKY?! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!When you ass-fuck Cap, you ass-fuck America. You are SO LUCKY that Iron Man is coming out this summer. NOW I’m off to bed.

Diddy Out. Cant nobody hold me down!

The Mega-Powers Unite (Hopefully)!

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Customer Service May Suck, Put Customers Swallow.

Customer service is dead. I am serious. The other night Zach and I went to Blondie’s to partake in scotch and martinis (Scotch, scotch, scotch. Scotchy in my belly) and the bartender was rather cool. That is becoming a rarity now days. My experience (from what I can remember after the fact) is that serving the customer has been done away with because quite simply people expect:

1. To be treated like shit or ignored
2. To be hassled to no fucking end
3. Routed to “Randy” who obviously is NOT NAMED RANDY AND NOT TAKING MY CALL FROM FUCKING ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA!

It is a sad statement, but in America we have come to expect shitty customer service. No matter where it is. At a restaurant, if the waiter/waitress can get my order right of no tomatoes I am happy enough to ignore the fact that they fucked up everything else because I barely expect then to be able to read. That sucks because everyone I know has worked in a restaurant, fast food or in the big box retail industry performing customer service (including yours truly) and I know how difficult and fucking annoying it is. However, I don’t blame the employees. I don’t blame the outsourced labor. I blame us as Americans.

Reason #1: The Customer Can Go To Fucking Hell.
Let’s think about this logically. How often have you gone to Best Buy, picked the brain of the person there for about two hours about a TV while they stand there respectfully (Sometimes) answer your repeated dumbass questions at length as you kick tires. Then, after all that annoying time of being a window shopping prick you say “Oh, I was just looking” and go home and buy the product online? That is douchebaggery at its finest.

Little known fact is that most employees at big box retailers are not on commission. They literally answer your dumb ass questions for $9.50 an hour while the company makes its millions if not BILLIONS while not giving their employees so much as a bonus or a reach-around. The people working at the majority of the places that we expect good customer service either work for a shitty hourly or a VERY SHITTY HOURLY with the hope of tips from a city of call-center workers and the military. Both make about the same and their brain capacity is about the same: dumb as shit and no tipping fuckers. Yet, bars make hand over fist and we see how most retailers are losing money because people can go online and not have to walk into a Circuit City and bask in the aura of failure, broken dreams and unfulfilled ambition. It is a massive cost savings and revenue generator for companies to pay employees as little as possible while maximizing their working potential. They tried that once and it worked like gangbusters. It was called slavery. But those days are over. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t want to pander to thankless fuckers that want to waste my time when I’m not getting paid and these people don’t care about me. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes when you skip on a tip or pester someone at CompUSA for a simple ass question just to go to their website. Although…they went out of business (for among other reasons) having shitty customer service. They also (reportedly) paid the least of any big box retailer and yet had one of the highest internet traffic for in-stock items. Coincidence?

Reason #2: Corporate American Sucks Sweaty Gojira Balls.
I touched on this earlier but the fact is that it is a cost savings for large conglomerates to either cut back on customer service or even outsource (Or my favorite “nearshore.” What kind of bullshit is that?!) is “supposedly” too big to pass up. Paying someone from a developing nation $5-$7 to do the job that an American would demand $13-$15 an hour for is a smart business move. Even still…THEYTOOKOURJERBS!!!:

I remember I yelled that when I had to train my replacement. Anyway, add in the cost of leasing a building and keeping it up and running (networks, IT, facilities, feeding the people, security, etc) and it LOGICALLY is a good idea to outsource because they can pass the savings onto the consumer. But think about it….has the price of shit gone down?! NO! They pocket that money and use it to buy coke to snort off the nipples of underage Taiwanese prostitutes! I mean, that isn’t a BAD IDEA but don’t sacrifice the customer service to do so! Think about it like this: how many of you have decided to not call tech support or get an extended warranty just so you could speak to someone you could understand over the phone? Be honest now.

Now I can say that I have worked with, trained and had customer service from outsourced people. They are not dumb by any stretch of the imagination. However, let’s be honest. The accent is thick and it is hard to understand and for you to be understood. Now as one who called Gateway and got someone from Alabama I can say I am no longer bothered by the accent because Alabama sucks ass. That being said, it is still a sign of poor service to discount the customer experience to save a buck The problem is that no matter how shitty people are treated here, they still come back for more. Mainly because there is nowhere left to go. Everyone outsources labor and the customers hate it. They could boycott and by from someplace else but everyone else is doing it too! So you have to grin and bear it for the most part.

Everything being said, the reason we are stuck in a world where the customer is a dick and therefore treated like shit is not going to change. People are still going to take advantage of lower wage employees to get lower prices while companies are going to cut costs whatever way they can to accommodate those prices. Therefore; you want cheap you will get cheap. And it kind of sucks but that is life, man:

That’s all. I had to get that out. One last thing:

You tell ME the difference.

Diddy Out. I spit that hot fire!

Crank Dat Obama Boy! Now I Mean YOOOOOOU!!!

So call me a queer (I already did, but you can join in) but I want to see "Definitely...Maybe." Man, something is majorly wrong with me:

I'm sorry, sometimes a chick flick can get to me. On the same note....women are stupid:

Let me get this straight. You are upset that a man that is only known for being the older brother of a lady banging, womanizing cheater that himself is long rumored for KILLING A WOMAN is supporting a Black candidate on a roll that is actually running on issues and not on the fact that her husband was President? What in the fuck is wrong with you?! It's TED FUCKING KENNEDY! Who gives a flying fuck if he supports Obama or not? I would prefer the Irish NOT support him (And especially Catholics because....well, they fucking suck) but hey, you cant win them all.

You know what? The highest turnout for female voters in the history of recorded American presidental elections were for John F. Kennedy and William Jefferson Clinton. When women were polled for their reason for picking the candidates, the majority of women said it was because they were attractive. I must say....Barack Obama would sexy up the White House. Not only that, he would get the White House CRUNK:

Work it out, work it out, work it out now! Vote ya'll! Get yo sexy ass in the voting booth!

I am so looking forward to the 2008 Presidential Smackdown:

Barack "Save The Drama Fo' Yo' Mama" Obama

vs.

John "I Brings The Pain To Yo Membrane" McCain

Watch for it because it's gonna be a slobberknocker!

Diddy Out. VOTE OR DIE!

I Am All About A Woman's Rights. It's When You Catch Her With An Uppercut! Ka-pay-yow!

So, women should be shot in the face. I just saw this as I was checking my Yahoo email. Wow....women are the reason that women are treated like crap. Because they expect it. Especially this one:

"We are in a parking lot and see you fighting loudly with a man, probably your boyfriend. Do we intervene?

Patricia: Not unless it gets out of hand. If there's just an argument, respect people's privacy.

Laura: If I were fighting with my boyfriend, I'd be already pissed off. There's chivalry and then there's delusions of being a knight in shining armor. Get lost.

We don't do anything, but then it starts to get physical -- we see him grab you by the arm.

Katherine: If you know you don't stand a chance if you try to pull the guy off, then call the police. And let them know you're watching. Sometimes just the social pressure of knowing that somebody's looking at you or knowing that somebody's calling the police can help."

Yeah....from now on next time I see a woman getting yelled at and eventually hit (because yelling is the gateway domestic violence), I am joining the fuck in. This is fucking ridiculous. Remember when I said that chivalry wasn’t dead? Guess what? Chivalry isn’t ABOUT YOU, BITCHES! It is about doing what is the right thing. If someone holding a door open for you is creepy, then you NEED to be slapped because I am too much of a normal person to beat your ass on GP. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t care about your fucking welfare and wouldn’t be so concerned by women’s answers in this shitty ass survey.

What I find REALLY disturbing is the one about the argument in public. If you ever have this question asked of you and you can recall an event or even have an opinion that is along the lines of “it’s our business” then get those “I ran into a door” lies ready because you will get your ass kicked on the fucking daily. I have stepped into an argument before and you know what? It wasn’t for HER! It was for him because he caught HER with another man at the mall and he went off. I told him to cool it out because no matter what, because our laws protect the stupid, and he would be at the fault. Now women would say I was wrong to do that and before I would say I was. Not anymore.

When I had my women’s studies classes in college and was in AWARE Senior year, domestic violence always struck a nerve with me because two women I was involved with in a time when I actually gave a fuck about trying to converse with the opposite sex we previously involved with crazy men. I mean burn their clothes and slash their tires crazy. Hell, I even got in two fights over women with crazy woman-beaters that I DIDN’T EVEN WANNA FIGHT! Ask Griff about that shit, he will tell you about his life for a copy of Mario Kart via emulator. Zach, even you have a story about it. I marched against domestic violence twice and yet all women I know have some skewed sense of masculinity that mistakes chivalry with anger toward other men. Me stepping in front of a woman to stop a man, again, IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about him and his asshatery of making men look bad by kicking your stupid ass. They you say shit like “knight in shining armor syndrome” when we couldn’t give a rats ass about you in that aspect. Shit like this from women just make me realize that you still live by the credo I created a few years ago and since it aint going to end I will just repeated.
Women are completely two faced and want it both ways for everything. Not even the good way like Jasmine Byrne does it. For women that claim to be about “lady power” and being “independent women” you seem to have that mistaken with being a fucktard. I wonder how many of you consider yourself feminists? I will tell you how many.

NONE!

Shockingly, now I have respect for feminists after all these years. They stand by their convictions and it is hard to find a man for it. Most women straddle the edge like a whore with ADD fucking Snoopy and not able to decide which side of the roof to dismount. They want to be taken care of, but don’t want to be told in any way shape or form what to do (which is fine). They want to be respected for their opinions and logic but never want to be questioned of GOD FORBID proven wrong. Quite simply, its like I always say:

"All the power with none of the responsibility."

Congratulations. You officially fucked over what woman’s suffrage was all about. I hope you are happy with your skewed view of life. Much like mine but at least I admit I’m a fucking headcase. You know, I get emails all day during work about how men are stupid and cause all the wars and only think with their wangs and blah blah blah yakkity smackity. Yet, for every 5 of those you see none that men make for women. You know why? Because we RUN SHIT. Every day women exist is another day that the Japanese figure out ways to replace you. Once they make sexbots, there will be no need for women. Now, for the greatest rhetor of our time…Ali G:

Aahhh, twas all in good fun. You know I love you, ladies.

Try feminism! It’s hot, sexy, lady LSG’ing lady love! Wait….it’s NOT?!

Diddy Out. B.I.G. FOREVER!

A Hip Hop You Dont Stop!

What is up, bitches?! It is another lazy Sunday and I am doing a little bit of laundry and cleaning before I go out and run a few errands. I may run to Denver for some new cologne (Acqua Di Gio just feels a little too bro for me now that they sell it at Macy’s. I don’t want to give off the scent) but I may wait until next weekend for that.

With that being said, last night I went to Black Pegusus’s (Black Pegusi? Black Pegusese?) record release party to watch Teq perform and needless to say, it was okay. It was nice to see a good Cutting Crew sample (80’s ROCK BITCHES!) and a shout out to Animaniacs (Which no one GOT which made me want to kill some people) from his set. However, whoever went on after him and before Black P really personified suck in the flesh form. It was like Soulja Boy formed and as each clone came out they became gradually stupider until they became White and Puerto Rican. Shit went downhill from there.

So much like children and their own meals & channels, this whole phenomenon with making songs “for the ladies” and then proceed into “Bitch Show Yo Panties And Drop It” has become really fucking stating to make me want to kill their parents. What is even worse is that women do that shit which is why I will never EVER vote for a female president. Two Long Islands at a White House dinner and she is getting tag teamed by Kofi Annan and Muhmammayomammajhad….Belladonna style. At least with Obama, he may go straight thug and knock the fuck out of Hugo Chavez for stepping on his “Bathing Apes”.

From now on, with every dumb action people should lose their rights. For every mullet, white men should lose the right to bear arms. Every time a woman shakes her booty meat (Sorry, Zach but that shit is too funny to no use) she should lose her right to vote for an election. For every day a Black man wears grillz, one day in the field picking that cotton. Oh, and Mexicans….no more leaning like a cholo. It’s stupid and it’s stupid.

For every Mexican that does that, one of you that are legal gets sent back to Mexico. Harsh punishments but it’s the only way the stupid learn.

So back to the show. I have decided to help out hip hop and hip hop fans this week with a few rules to having fun and making good music. After last night….I realized that sometimes hip hop can be awesome while other times it makes me want to piss on their dogs. So now, to make hip hop better and help you have an enjoyable time at your next hip hop show, here are…

Diddy’s Rules For Good Hip Hoppity Fun!

Rule #1: Quit Telling The Crowd What To Do.

Listen, if I want to put my motherfucking hands up, I WILL PUT MY MOTHERFUCKING HANDS UP! I will do it when I am goddamned ready, fuckface! Also, maybe I don’t want to make noise? Maybe I want to hear the goddamn song! Let me enjoy the concert fucking, asshat! I don’t need your demands every two seconds!

Rule #2: Women, Stop Dressing Like Whores.

Seriously.

If you don’t want dudes harassing you, dress like you got some damn sense. It’s that fucking simple. Also, there is no fucking need to shake your ass in my face when I am sitting down. You think it’s sexy, I think it’s fucking rude. Speaking of dancing…

Rule #3: If You Can’t Dance….Don’t.

Trust me, it saves a lot of problems. Grinding on a man’s junk isn’t dancing just as much as the Soulja Boy isn’t dancing. It keeps you from having to get groped on and it keeps niggas from shooting you because you smudged their Pumas:

Man….that kind of says it all. If they had cornbread at hip hop shows, violence would drop by about 75%. Cornbread is good ass eatin.

Rule #4: Never Say Fuck The Police.

Come on….I mean really. Do you WANT to get your ass kicked on GP? As long as you are white and loved the Police Academy movies the police are here to protect and serve. If you aren’t…FOLLOW THE FUCKING LAW! The fact is that if a police officer wanted to whoop your ass, he or she would just do so no matter what. So don’t give them a reason to! That way if they DO beat your ass for doing nothing you can collect a fat ass check.

Rule #5: Nigga Is Okay….In Context.

Okay, first off I am cutting down on my usage of the word nigga. I only say it when reciting rap lyrics or talking to Griff, but that is because we boys and we Black so we can do that. White people need to let it the fuck go. I mean seriously, you shouldn’t want to say the fucking word anyway. I mean at what point do you need to say it anyway? It’s not like white people are always in situations where you need to use the word any-damn-way. How could you use it?

• “Damn, it’s hotter than a nigga outside!”
• “Man, that touchdown was nigga-tastic!”
• “You tried the gourmet cheese? It’s nigga-licious!”
• “ I just got back from the doctor, man. I got nigga-simplex-titis Black.”
• “Nigga, you gay.”

Now unless you are actually IN situations like that (which you never will be) you shouldn’t need to use the word anyway. Just because Blacks use it doesn’t mean you can, should or want to. So shut the fuck up, life is nigga-riffic! That being said, Black people….nigga is not the new “Smurf.” That is all. Stop using it unless you are singing “Don’t Trust Them New Niggas Over There.”

Those are just few rules to live by to make your next hip hop show experience a great one! Oh, and one last things. It is time for my annual tradition of bringing words back! So real quick, I give to you:

Diddy’s Vernacalistics of 2008!

Alrighty, here we go!

Instead of Shawty, Bitch, Ho, etc: Roni

SHE’S MY ONLY LOOOOOOVE! Ah, Bobby Brown. Nothing says love like a Bobby Brown song…and some crack. Seriously, this was a word that never got a run in the 80’s because it was an era dominated by light skins and you know how I feel about them cats. Now, I’m bringing it back. So fellas, you know a lady that makes you feel special inside and you want to tell her how you feel, you don’t call her shawty or ladyparts. You call that girl a roni. The sexy, sexy treat.

Instead of Cut, Fuck, Bang, etc: L.S.G.

I can name two woman (and sadly only two because most of the other women I know are either taken upset me to the point of shaking them like a crying baby) I want to go L.S.G. on. But WHOM! That is the mystery! It’s not Kimmy, she made her intentions very clear after my third abortion. Abortsia? Abortions? Aborteri? Either way, I find saying L.S.G. a lot better than saying fuck. Then when people say “What’s L.S.G.?” you can say “Because I want to be all over that body like Gerald LeVert on a pork chop.” Okay, that is fucked up because he is dead but still. That is almost as good as “I got a hedgehog in my pocket” when I met Ron Jeremy. I so should have told him that!

More coming soon! Also, I need to get running on Douchebrawl! I am a week late already, so I will have it up next Sunday. I promise! Until then, stay up peeps!

Diddy Out. (Thought I told you that I wouldn’t stop!)

She's Baaaaack!

Alright people, it is about that time! It’s time for the….

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

Yeah, I am keeping the name the same for now. It’s a staple. We begin with a new video from a former number one group!

20. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (New Entry)

YES! MY GOD YES! Hiroko….I think I love you. Seriously, we should go out for coffee sometime. She looks SO DAMN FINE in this video that I can’t say anything else. Mihimaru is fricking back!
19. One Republic feat. Timbaland – Apologize (Last Week #17)
Well, the ride is over. After a run in the Top 10, One Republic looks to be spending their final week on the Countdown. Quite a run, but just fell short of greatness.
18. TI feat. AlfaMega & Busta Rhymes - Hurt (Last Week #16)
Well, looks like we may not have to wait too long for some more TI. As I stated last week, he is currently working on an album and it looks to be out this spring, at the latest summer. Shocking for a guy going to the pen.
17. Bow Wow & Omarion – Hey Baby (Last Week #19)
Well, I’ll be damns. Bow Wow and Omarion actually are moving up this week. Shocking, mainly because this video doesn’t irritate the hell out of me. Even more shocking is that Omarion STILL HAS NOT MADE A VIDEO FOR MAN UP WITH BI!! I’m still bitter.
16. Paramore – CrushCrushCrush (Last Week #14)
Another band taking a huge tumble this week. Paramore continues to move down with no new video in sight. Man, I needs me some more Hayley!
15. Zeebra feat May J & SPHERE OF INFLUENCE – Shinin’ Like A Diamond (Last Week #18)

So um….May J is in this video. In a kimono. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?!
14. Asian Kung-Fu Generation – After Dark (Last Week #11)
So I just saw the new AKFG video and I must say….these dudes are really funny looking. Great music but man, they are NOT N*SYNC. Few are, but man they REALLY ARENT N*SYNC.
13. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #15)
So The World moves up another two spots this week as they keep pace with John Legend and Nelly Furtado. It is good to see them back because there was a long stretch where they just weren’t kicking out the jams like they did in 2006. Maybe their fourth album will kick even more ass.
12. NLT – I Said, She Said (Last Week #12)
NLT stands pat this week just outside the Top 10. Their album comes out next month, I hope it’s more Backstreet than Color Me Badd. You know what I mean.
11. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #13)

Nelly Furtado is one step away from her fifth Top 10 Video! Despite the fact she only has one number one video on the Countdown, she has built up quite a track record if you ask me. Oh, and I still need the “Loose Live” DVD. Late birthday present?
10. NaNa – Movin’ On (Last Week #7, Six Weeks at #1)
We are in the Top 10 and it was over two long months ago that NaNa entered the Top 10 for the first time. She stayed there until right now including a six week run at the top spot. I am SO WAITING for an album from NaNa.
9. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #10)
Mmmmm….gimme some of that owelu. She moves up a spot this week as she continues so sexy up my Countdown. Is she coming out with an album soon?
8. Abingdon Boys School – Blade Chord (Last Week #5)
ABS falls three spots this week after peaking at number 5 for two weeks. Rumor is that TM is going back into the studio for (WAIT FOR IT) another TM Revolution album. HELL YES!! THAT’S WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!
7. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #9)
John Legend is back and this video is the first I have seen of his in heavy rotation since “Ordinary People”. The video is very good and actually supports a cause. As you know…I am not about causes. But for John, I will break that rule.
6. May J. – Do Tha, Do Tha (Last Week #3, One Week at #1)
After finally taking the top spot, May J. falls three more spots and out of the Top 5. All I can say is….damn, she is fine. We are down to five!
5. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #8)

HaMC finally climb into the Top 5! After a long career, they bring their newest video into the upper echelon. I am upset this wasn’t on the greatest hits album, but I will get over it. This video makes up for any bitterness I had.
4. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #6)
Well, hell has frozen over. Snoop Dogg has climbed into the Top Five. I wont lie…I like this video. The song is late night greatness and maybe I don’t want to see Snoop mauled by bears. Wait….”Soul Plane.” Fuck that, he’s gotta go!
3. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #4)

The Child, The Rebel and the Soldier have moved into the Top three after only six weeks! As many of you know, I am all about this song and if you don’t know, now you do. Not only that, the video is actually pretty damn good to boot. Can they end the ladies night that has dominated the Countdown recently?
2. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)

After only one week on top, Alicia Keys relinquishes the top spot! It is a little disappointing after the run that “No One” had but…that video was WAY HOTTER. I love Alicia in this video, but women crying set off my panic button. We are down to one!
1. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

And in a shocker, NaNa pulls her second number one video of this short 2008! I was just watching this video the other day (in between my learning of bokgo because that is BAD ASS) and needless to say, I loves me some NaNa. Congrats to NaNa for going two-for-two!

That is all for now! Tune in next week to see if NaNa can make it two weeks in a row! Or will Alicia Keys take the top again? Or will CRS share the throne? Tune in next week and find out!

I’ll be back this weekend at some point. Until then, stay up peeps.

Diddy Out. Take that, take that, take that.

Kill Dat (Soulja Boy)

Okay….this is bullshit. You know, I put up with “Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)” because it was novel and I really needed to get the horrible taste of the “Cha Cha Slide” out of my head. I was okay with “Put The Heizman (On Dat Hoe)” because…well that shit is funny. But now we have so many “crank dats” I don’t know whether to masturbate or get a fucking Model T:

What the fuck. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK?! MOTHERFUCKER FUCKY FUCK SHIT!! THIS is why hip hop is dead and the corpse is being ass-fucked more than Belladonna during Hanukkah. Eight ass-reaming nights. These shitfucks are just ruining an artform that was one of the most original with their shitty dances and their trifiling ass lyrics. God….someone needs to severely injure these fuckers. So from this point on, anyone doing the:

Crank Dat (Insert Here):

• Soulja Boy
• Batman
• Aquaman
• Spongebob
• Homeless Man
• Spiderman
• Hebrew Man
• Green Lantern
• Vishnu
• Jesus (I just made that up but…that sounds like it would rule)
• Ruth Bader Ginsberg
• Santa Claus

Will be shot in the fucking face. Diddy decrees it. If you have a gun and you see them doing the “Crank Dat” with less than three people, you are allow to bust a cap in their dumb ass.

It shall come to fucking pass. I’m through fucking around over here. I never thought I would say this but....I miss the Tootsie Roll:

Yo, I should make a new dance step! It aint the butterfly its the Diddy Roll! I like the sound of that shit, son!

Diddy Out. Bad Boy!

It's Diddy-rific!

What’s up my sniggys?! I am back to annnouce some big news. Probably the biggest news you will hear all year. Diddy has changed his name….yet again. He now wants to be known as Sean John. Why? No one is really sure, but Diddy is ballin so he can do whatever the fuck he wants. My bad, SEAN JOHN is ballin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He could call himself “eatin a fucking butthole”….ALL THE SAME! Should out to the Ol’ Dirty Bastard. One love, Big Baby Jesus.

But I digress. My announcement wasn’t that. My announcement is this. From this day forth, on January 23rd, 2008 I officially decree that my name will now and forever be….

DIDDY

Yes, I called it. One, two, three…DIBS! There, it is officially mine. Now that Sean John is Sean John, I will now (Or until Sean John becomes the symbol for the Euro because he is THAT BALLIN and I can become “Sean John”)be Diddy until further notice. From today, these are the only names I will accept to be referred as:

1. Diddy (Keep it Simple….and Sexy)
2. Dub Diddy
3. Diddy T.
4. D.D.Y. (If you are into the whole brevity thing)
5. Mr. Diddy T.
6. Duke of Diddyvania
7. T. Diddy
8. Big Deuce Diddy
9. Diddy Did It
10. Big Baby Diddy (Because Diddy was and always will be bigger than Jesus)
11. Yddid (Diddy backwards. Say it three times and I do the Harlem Shake!)
12. Didderellie
13. Deuce Diddy
14. His Diddyness
15. Diddy Do Right
16. Diddy Tell’em (TAKE THAT, SOULJA BOY!)
17. Diddyspeare
18. Double Stack Diddy
19. 3D or Trey D (Deuce Diddy Dollars. Yep, just thought of that)

And of course, Diddy Christ Superstar. C’mon! That’s fucking PIMP, DUDE! Either way, from now on Diddy is in the house. Nuff said. The Passion of Diddy will be back. Stay up, peeps.

Diddy Out.

Uh huh, yeah. Take that, take that, take that.