1. No longer will the regions be closed. That means that you may see Tom Cruise in the Trollop Whore Region or Britney Spears in the Asshat Acting Region. I will TRY to keep the number one seeds closest to their region as possible, though.
2. Seeds will be stack ranked after the top seeds. This is new for 2008. This will create (IMHO) more interesting matchup for the first and second rounds. Rather than keeping all the musicians in one bracket, you could see a Bono vs. Kim Kardashian first round matchup! Feel the excitement!
So let’s begin with the NUMBER ONE SEEDS for Douchebrawl 2008!
The Number One Seed for the Asshat Actor Region is….TOM CRUISE!
Yes, I have decided to bring Crazy Tom back! The winner of the first Douchebrawl had the second running as his namesake but after popular demand he is BACK! Aside from being an advocate for Scientology (which is and always will be the suckiest of religions)…I just don’t like him. Can he take two of the last three Douchbrawls? Not if our next top seed has her way…
The Number One Seed for the Trollop Whore Region is….LINDSAY LOHAN!
Last year’s champion comes back to go back to back as Douchebrawl superstar! 2007 was a really skanky year for Lindsay for some. I still have love in my heart for her after “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” (I LIKED THAT MOVIE!!!) but last year’s write-in ended up being the Texas Western and knocking off the big douches for the championship. Can she repeat? Well, she will have to take down a certain someone for a second time in a row to do so…
The Number One Seed for the All-Round Fucktard Region is…BRITNEY SPEARS!
This marks Britney Spears’ third straight year as a number one or two seed but she has been knocked out both years before making the Fucktard Four (In 2006 by Heather Graham and 2007 by eventual winner Lindsay Lohan). After a really FUCKED UP 2007, can she FINALLY be the bride? It will be hard to do because she will have to go through a certain Irish douche that can’t bring home the whiskey…
The Number One Seed for the Musician Region is….BONO
CATORSE?! Fucking jerk. Bono was upset last year by one Eminem and was kept from the Fucktard Four for the second straight year! Now, as a number one see yet again can he clear a way to the finals? It was a shitty year in music last year so and with the new seeding system he has more competition than ever!
Now, rather than give the seeds I will just say the participants linked to each region. The seeding however will be a surprise!
Acting Region
• Julia Roberts
• George Clooney
• Tyler Perry
• Cameron Diaz
• Michael Bay
• Hayden Christensen
• Alec Baldwin
• Ben Affleck
• Colin Ferrel
• Russell Crowe
• Shia LaBeouf
• Anthony Anderson
• Nick Cage
• Quentin Tarantino
• Angelina Jolie
As you can see, the only real new big names are Shia LaBeouf and Tyler Perry. I can’t stand that bastard. Anthony Anderson makes it in for if no other reason for fucking up Transformers. On to the next set of combatants!
Trollop Region
• Kim Kardashian
• Paris Hilton
• Tara Reid
• Heidi Montag
• Tiffany “New York” Pollard
• Jessica Simpson
• Lil’ Kim
• Madonna
• Rose McGowen
• Mischa Barton
• Eva Longoria
• Heather Graham
• Tyra Banks
• Pamela Anderson
• Mariah Carey
Aside from Tiffany Pollard from “I Love New York” there are no real suprises. Although I want to put Jamie Lynn Spears in but that may be too far. I mean, she is just living her Louisiana white trash dream of being pregnant before 17. She is hurt most that it wasn’t by her father. Let’s keep on moving!
Musician Region
• T-Pain
• Rihanna
• Carrie Underwood
• Akon
• Jay-Z
• Lil’ Mama
• Amy Winehouse
• 50 Cent
• Beyonce
• Taylor Swift
• Soulja Boy
• Toby Keith
• R. Kelly
• Miley Cyrus
• Fergie
Yes, Miley Cyrus. She fucking sucks. As for Taylor Swift…fuck your stupid ass guitar. Carrie Underwood can also die. Fuck country, fuck it in its stupid, pickup truck driving head. Oh, and R&B sucks even more. Akon and R. Kelly love the minors while T-Pain pisses on the grave of Roger Troutman with every song he makes. Music licks balls. And a big hello to Amy Winehouse! Too bad she can’t get here because no one will take her Visa. Now for the last set of participants!
Fucktard Region
• Ray J
• Flava Flav
• Nick Cannon
• Terrell Owens
• Ryan Seacrest
• Bobby Petrino
• Dane Cook
• Bill O’Reilly
• Kevin Federline
• Vanessa Ann Hudgens
• Bill Bellichek
• Mitt Romney
• Bow Wow
• Snoop Dogg
• Jack Thompson
Wacko Jacko is back for 2008! Last year was all about Mass Effect and the aftermath of the Hot Coffee incident and of course he managed to piss me off a hell of a lot. Dane Cook is in because he ISNT FUCKING FUNNY while Vanessa Ann Hudgens is here sadly because she can’t wear pants. And she didn’t shave that thing; it looked like an Ewok down there. Oh, AND Zac Efron has reportedly dumped her. I’m sorry baby, let me console you. Shave that marmot first, though.
So next Sunday it will all begin! I will finish the brackets and post them on the website sometime before Saturday for everyone to few and print out! Office pools a plenty!
Odds are there will be another Valentine’s Day blog (it is somewhat of a tradition) as I am totally not looking forward to it. 2006 was shitty, 2007 was shitter and 2008….I am miserable and conflicted San Diego. *sigh* sometimes I feel like only boy bands understand me:
If only said person looked at me that way. Who is that person? Glad you asked, hopefully they are reading…
Okay, it’s actually dedicated to someone else closer (Yeah, glass case of emotion and stuff) AND Mandy Moore. But mostly Mandy. I am asking you in advance. Please be my Valentine, Amanda Moore? PLEASE! I NEED THIS!
Eh, fuck Valentine’s Day in its commercialized ass. I’m out, gonna watch some K-Dramas and listen to Yuna Ito and cry a little. Eh, it’s a living.
Diddy Out.
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