What is up, peeps?! Today is the first part of a three part post about my second most hated holiday:
VALENTINE’S DAY
Boys do I DESPISE Valentine’s Day. I personally believe that it is a government sanctioned holiday to convince the masses that in order to be happy or loved, you have be validate your existence with another person giving you stuff because some shitty day says so. Well, WOMEN get stuff. Men usually get tang because I guess women believe that the vag is just as good of currency as money but if fucking resulted in cash then Africa would be a superpower beyond all superpowers because all they DO is fuck. If AIDS was money, they would be the US and A.
So why do I hate Valentine’s Day so much? Well, most if it has to do with being single for about 24 of the 27 Valentine’s Days during my existence. However, when I wasn’t single (or as I call it, the Un-Halcyon Days) the holiday was even WORSE. So now I will give you the first part of….
WHY I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY
Reason #1: WAY TOO FEMALE-CENTRIC.
You know, I understand that women had it hard in this country like….70 years ago or so. You had to form your own baseball leagues, you had to march for your rights and you were forced to slave away in a kitchen for unappreciative white men that whipped you on general purpose. You know what? Today is not then. The fact that every commercial, every ad, every song for Valentine’s Day is geared toward women is the same way that all Christmas Ads are geared toward spoiled ass kids and dumb ass Christians who love the Jebus. If Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love, isn’t love a two way street? Why in the fuck does the man have to get the gift, give the flowers and say “I love you by giving your material goods and perishable objects?” In return, usually a woman gives (from what I have heard) up the yakitori which proves that at the end of the day that women are whores in some way shape or form. In their defense, I am too but at least I admit it.
Reason #2: WAY TOO COMMERCIALIZED.
I have always said that for every good holiday there is a mascot with a shitload of money in its pocket behind it. Think about it. Christmas has that fat, slave driving, heavy drinking, woman beating, reindeer fucking Santa Claus (All of the aforementioned is true. Look at his MySpace profile) and of course everyone’s favorite hippie Jesus Christ. Oh, I went there. St. Patrick’s Day has the leprechaun Drunky McShitfaced while Labor Day has Pedro The Migrant Mexican Worker Bee. You know, I may be offensive but that shit was funny. I would have to say that Valentine’s Day has become one of the most profitable holidays out there and may be the most profitable in terms of high priced items. Think about it: no matter how shitty of a girlfriend you are, you get a gift. Not only that but because women are money-driven (Just admit it. It’s okay; looking for cheese don’t make you a hood rat) it has to be an expensive gift because a good chunk of women believe that your love is based off what you buy her. So that gift has to be pricey which drives up his debt and results in you not living in a nice house because you had to have a ring or necklace that you hardly wear because you don’t want dudes that buy you drinks at the club to think you are taken which is another rant altogether. Anyway, back to my point. Valentine’s Day isn’t about love and it never has been. It is about material goods and the exchange of for sex, love or….well I don’t know what else because I haven’t gotten the first and the second I have never truly felt. I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! Is Ron Burgandy is correct (AND HE IS) love feels like…
Man, if sex is like steak, waffles, French fries and scotch then maybe I am looking at the love thing all wrong. Nah, nothing can be THAT good.
Reason #3: WAY TOO FUCKING FAKE.
So my big issue with Valentine’s Day is the fact of the fake importance attached to the day. I have seen people BREAK UP because one person (89% the man or “the top” for the homosexuals, 10% “the butch one” for lesbians and of course 1% for the horse because no matter what the horse has to buy the gift) forgot to make a big event out of Valentine’s Day for the other party. I never wanted to killed my parents because they never got me the Transformers rail road set that I fucking asked for every god damned year and never fucking got because they were evil. I never flipped out because during one of the few times I was dating my girlfriend never got me a green beer on St. Patrick’s Day or some Charleston Chew on Halloween. I loves me The Chew. Couples have been convinced to put so much stock in a day that really means nothing but an opportunity to buy the same shit as usual except in a pink and red color scheme and for significantly more money. Look at this logically: if someone can fuck you over for 364 days of the year and for one day of the year said person brings you flowers instead of the pain it makes all the previous days bullshit okay? It is the power of Valentine’s Day (I say this because I have seen it) and its really just dumb.
Reason #4: IT IS WAY TOO….EVERYWHERE!
Valentine’s Day wouldn’t piss me off so bad if every person wasn’t so giddy about the shit and wondering why I’m not doing anything. First off, no woman is crazy enough to date me and at the end of the day…I respect ya’ll for that. Secondly, I don’t need to go out with a person on a specific day because Hallmark and Russell Stover tell me to. I swear, the day after New Year’s the cupid swag was out IN FORCE. From sappy ass love songs (Although R&B is all niggas without shirts pining over some woman so it’s actually status quo) to TV specials to movies that are “date flicks” which I can’t see unless I take someone (I just want to see “Definitely Maybe!” Is that too much to ask?!) lest the beat me to death with a teddy bear to….well, teddy bears the reason for the season is pleasing. And I am none too pleased with the masses telling me I am the Valentine’s Day version of The Grinch:
Being single is never an issue on any other day and yet Valentine’s Day rolls around and all of a sudden because I don’t have a lady I am a damned pariah. It’s bullshit. Being single SUCKS and I don’t need it rubbed in my face every four minutes by TV or co-workers! I am tired of being vilified because I don’t support the shitty ass holiday by purchasing pointless gifts for a woman that odds are wont appreciate it or me anyway! *Sigh* I am a total train wreck.
Reason #5: IT’S NOT ABOUT ROMANCE, ITS ABOUT FINANCE.
Now EVERYTHING is about finance, don’t let anyone fool you. If Jesus didn’t have holes in his hands, he would take all the cash made from his “birthday” (BULLSHIT!!) and make it rain like a strip club after an NBA All-Star Game. Now the different between this and the commercialization is that businesses and the media create the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. It is THE PEOPLE that perpetuate it. People think that if someone gives them something expensive that it must be love. Once again, strip it down and look at it logically. Ladies, when a man buys you something small like let’s say a drink in a club for the sole purpose of getting those digits so he can stick his digits in you, normally (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m being ironic here) you wouldn’t fall for that. Because you say you aren’t a whore right? However if a man takes you out to a nice dinner on Valentine’s Day (and some of you are uber-sluts so any day you don’t have food in the house will suffice) there is a high probability unless TV has lied to me that you drop them drawls. Is that “love?” Is that “romantic?” If it is then I’m looking at this whole relationship wrong but I don’t think that gifts should equate to sex and even if you say the person is special I know women that pop the cootchie for rent money and grilled cheese sandwiches so don’t try it. Quite simply, if Valentine’s Day was about love and not money, I’m sure that the Broadmoor and other expensive ass restaurants would be empty in favor of home-cooked dinners and something romantic rather than excessive. Facts are that is the rule while actual romantic actions on Valentine’s Day are the exception. Now most men are emotionally and romantically inept so an expensive restaurant and a useless yet pricy gift are an easy fix to being a moron. That’s why supermarkets and convenience stores stock up on flowers and candy on February 13th because men are fucktards while women are stupid. It’s the circle of life.
Well, that is all for now. I may be back up tomorrow with a short post about anti-bacterial Axe Body Spray (Or as I call it “Unfortunate Justification for Bros Not To Fucking Bathe”) and the brackets for Douchebrawl are almost done. Depending on how tired I am, I will have them up tonight. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Diddy Out
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