What is up, ya’ll? I am back on the scene less than 24 hours la
First off, if you haven’t read Bleach Chapter 318, DO SO! I mean if you dont mind your world rocked from spoliers. Gin Ichimaru is now officially FUCKING BAD ASS:
I am looking forward to him taking on Hitsugaya or (Be still...wait for it...) Yoruichi. Maybe even one of the Vizards. With that being said, I never thought I was going to do this but man after the minger battle that Zach is going through I have to say something.
YAOI IS FUCKING LAME.
I am not homophobic, if there is anyone more firmly in the closet I would like to meet said person. However, yaoi fans are the problem and they need to just stop acting like it is BETTER than other anime/manga and realize it is just an OPTION. It sucks (EEEEEWWWW....innuendo) just as much at other genres and has its perks....I guess. For those of you who are unfamiliar with yaoi, it is a genre of manga/anime about the emotional, romantic or (Oy vey) sexual storyline between male characters. Now I am not discriminating against yaoi in any way. I think to each their own whether it comes to your sexual orientation or your manga. I for one am a fan of shonen AND shojo (Look it up) so I try to keep an open mind about most genres. Hell, I listen to showtunes for Jebus’ sake. Nothing is more gay than that…at least according to stupid females and bros.
However, my issue with yaoi after listening to Zach’s issues with yaoi fans getting bees in their asses because people question not that they like it but WHY they like it I felt it was time to explain some shit. So now, it is time to bring something back like that old school rap. Speaking of old school rap:
Word. Back to the rant!
Today’s Topic: Reasons Why Yaoi Fans Need To Stop.
By the way, the reason I am not doing five reasons is that….there aren’t that many reasons. It kind of explains itself. And away we go!
Reason #1: Yaoi Fans Need To Stop Because….You Want To Be Taboo.
Follow me on this one. You see, it is a well known fact that people want to be out of the norm on somethings. Hell, I was into anime when all people thought about anime was tentacle porn. Remember the days when all the anime was next to the porn and the selection on non-pornographic anime was narrowed down to Akira, Macross, Robot Carnival and Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind? I do, and needless to say it SUCKED ASS. Now you see anime in everything from TV commercials to Madonna videos so it is no longer something that is exclusive to a certain set of people. So inside anime there were genres that were segmented to a certain set of fans. You have shounen-ai (Gravitation, which had a bomb ass soundtrack) and shojo (Fushigi Yūgi is a good example…as is SUPPOSEDLY Inuyasha. Sorry, bad memories) for must teenage aged fans while yaoi and yuri are for the adult crowd. Then you have hentai which is a different rant altogether but I will touch on that some.
After talking to anime fans at cons and the comic book/anime stores around Colorado I hear the exact same dialog about yaoi (And to their defense, yuri as well):
• “Yaoi is different than regular anime!”
• “The characters are deeper in yaoi!”
• “Yaoi has better writing and plots than most anime!”
• “It’s taboo!”
Hmm, those seem to be rather valid arguments. However, lets weigh this all together. Yaoi is no longer taboo or different than any other series out there. Now proir to, when homosexual themes were rarely seen in anime, I could see that statement as being true and someone wanting to see something different. Hell, I kind of got tired of giant robots and ninjas which is why I grasped to Ranma ½, El-Hazard (VERY underrated…if not totally confusing) and Ah! My Goddess like I did. The fact is that the most POPULAR anime series have elements of yaoi in them, stopping just short of actual sex because that would mean you couldn’t get it on Cartoon Network, even Adult Swim. Although with some of the stuff I have seen on Crayon Shin-Chan…maybe hardcore gay sex is the next logical step. Think about it, how many anime do you know of that either have implied or flat out mentioned yaoi overtones, just not the sexually explicit aspect of it?
• Bleach (Ichigo & Renji, Aizen & Gin)
• Naruto (Naruto & Sasuke…who are full-blown boyfriend and boyfriend at this point)
• Air Gear (Itsuki & Akito/Agito)
• Fushigi Yūgi (Tamahome & Kagato)
• Gravitation (Boy love abound!)
• Death Note (A reach, but everyone at Borders said L & Light had sexual tension. Riiight)
Therefore, much like the “metro sexual” craze made it “cool” to be gay, the mainstream anime is doing the same thing for yaoi. It is no longer taboo; it is actually accepted and in the case of Naruto encouraged. If them getting together will advance the manga I am all for it because the story is getting BORING. As for characters, I only have experience with one even remotely yaoi show/manga and that was Loveless. The characters in Loveless (from what I got out of the one episode I saw) were just like any other character in any other anime in terms of reluctant to accept their power/responsibility and totally angst ridden. The only difference is that rather than a female love interest, there was a male one. Oh gee, having a male love interest completely changes the story! No, it doesn’t. You make Ichigo a female and Bleach really doesn’t chance. The social elements will (The love of Orihime becomes yuri) but aside from that the character can still be just as deep without sexually explicit content of the man on man (or female on female) variety.
Final Analysis: Yaoi isn’t taboo anymore because homosexuality is very visible in anime as a whole. As a form of ENTERTAINMENT, you can get your male/male dynamic from the mainstream unless you are in it solely for the sexual content. Which is cool, but admit it rather than acting like watching two animated Japanese men in a sexual situation is “deep” or “better than regular anime.”
Reason #2: Yaoi Fans Need To Stop Because….It’s NOT Different Than Anime.
Now this one was tough to accept because I say the same about anime as a whole. From older men dating/marrying WAY YOUNGER women to the ridiculous amount of fan service (Matsumodo’s breasts are like sentient beings) I believe it gets rather pointless sometimes. With that being said, I am not a fan of hentai, which I believe goes WAY too far with the pedophilia…although in Japan the legal age for sex is…conception so it makes sense. From what I saw about Loveless, there was an age difference between the main characters that was rather significant. Now we see that in “straight” anime all the time (Sailor Moon) and I am not going to judge heterosexual pedophilia against homosexual pedophilia because both are bad. I want to use one of my favorite characters as an example. Toushiro Hitsugaya from Bleach is (VISUALLY) a young man and perceived to be a child of some sort, maybe 11-14 range depending on how you want to slice it. However, I have seen both hentai pictures of him with Matsumodo and yaoi pictures with Gin Ichimaru. Both are conceivably wrong but yaoi fans at the Borders DEFENDED the Gin pictures and called the Matsumodo pictures disgusting. News flash, people…
BOTH ARE FUCKING NASTY.
Now that is an extreme case, but the sentiment is the same. Just because it is yaoi doesn’t make it any better (or worse) than its non-yaoi anime counterpart. Saying that a plotline or a character is better just because it is a male/male dynamic is like saying that the White remakes of Black songs in the 50’s were better because White people redid them. Or vice versa in Diddy’s case but he takes hits from the 80’s and makes them sound so crazy. Yaoi is a genre of anime much like sentai is a genre of anime (And live action TV. For those of you that DON’T know what that means…
Man, I wish I could find the “Red Ranger Forever” episode of Power Rangers. That was the greatest episode ever. Anyway, yaoi is a genre of anime that isn’t any better or worse than any other sub-set. My issue is when they say “Well if you don’t like it I don’t care and something is wrong with you because you are homophobic! Don’t Judge me!” It isn’t about judging yaoi or judging you. It is about choice. I choose not to watch yaoi because from what I have seen, I am not a fan. I don’t watch anime for sexual content, I watch it for entertainment (Which porn is, but not that kind of entertainment so to speak) and if you read/watch yaoi for the same then that is fine. Call it what it is. With that being said, I understand why some people may have preconceived notions about anime and I am prepared for that. However, my reasons for watching anime are clearly defined yet in my experience I have yet to meet someone that has given me a clear answer of why they like yaoi for the male/male dynamic but they are not gay.
Now watching yuri doesn’t make you a lesbian and watching shojo or hentai doesn’t make you straight. However, yaoi is almost solely based on the aspect of male/male relationships and interactions so in essence it would be considered a “gay” medium. Same with yuri and a female/female dynamic. However, just watching an anime with a male couple or a female couple doesn’t make you gay as much as watching an anime with a male/female couple doesn’t make you straight. However, like I mentioned before: yaoi at its core is based of homosexual themes and since homosexual themes are all over anime if you go to yaoi for your fix then that is okay, but just admit that you like dude on dude lovin.
Now people will say that I am being homophobic which is laughable because no one is gayer than I. I make George Michael look butch. I kid, I am actually straight and I am not a fan of the yaoi or the yuri I have seen. If you are that is fine but just because you like it doesn’t mean I have to like it or I have to embrace your enjoyment of it because from what I have seen the genres aren’t entertaining. Hell, homosexual relationships are all over the comic book and anime world to the point that if you have a sub-set genre it is specifically for a market….at least that’s how I see it logically. Those of you that say that regular mediums don’t include gay themes are incorrect. Think about this: there is currently a comic book called The Authority that I have been reading for over 5 years. The leader of the team (Apollo) and one of its strongest and most popular members (Midnighter) are a couple and they are both men. Quite simply, they are boyfriend and boyfriend. Not only are they a gay couple, THEY HAVE AN ADOPTED CHILD TOGETHER! How is THAT for progressive? If male/male interaction is what you are looking for in a storyline, it is already in popular comics and manga (See Sasuke and Naruto. C’mon, they are so gay!) so to read yaoi for the reason that the themes are non-existent in other books is false. Therefore, you are either reading it because you are gay or because you want to be edgy.
In the end, I honestly believe to each their own within the guidelines of the law. That being said, I understand that not everyone (See: NO ONE) likes what I like and I don’t see them as being close-minded as much as I say “well, you are missing out” because in my opinion they are. I don’t see them as being judgmental or insensitive because they like things that I may not. Just make sure that if you like something that is seen as unpopular or in some cases pointless (Like I feel about most if not all yaoi & yuri) that you have a good reason why if you want to challenge others about why they DON’T feel you should constantly talk about how great and different it is. When it isn’t.
That is all for now. I will try to be back up on Thursday but no guarantees because I am going out drinking a bit tomorrow. New job fools! Until next time stay up. And no dudes settling down! Unless it is Bi or Zac Efron and it is with me.
Chachi Out!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Let's All Go To The Lobby....
Hey, ya’ll! I am back for and you know it! So I have been parusing the internet for the last few hours because I hate working and I have been looking up the summer blockbusters. So today, I bring to you a little something something to get you ready for the heat! So I give to you….
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Summer Movie Spectac-a-ganza!
How do you like that? Pretty damn bad ass, right? Anyway, I am only focusing on the GOOD movies so these films will not be previewed:
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Why?: Because Jesus always has been and always will be “teh suck.” That and I think those fucking kids should have been eaten by the lion in the first one. That would have ruled.
Sex In The City: The Movie
Why?: Because Horseface Parker and the Old Bitch Three had a shitty show and it will make a shitty movie. The only good movie based on a TV show was “The Simpsons Movie” and to a lesser extent, “Tiny Toons Summer Vacation.”
The Happening
Why?: It’s M Night Shyamalan. That in itself is enough to make me never want to see that shitfest.
Speed Racer
Why?: Because not even Bi can save this movie. Just looking at it makes me think of Wipeout for the original Playstation:
Great if you are playing a video game. Not for one of the original and trendsetting anime of all time.
There are some other suckier movies but I will not give them the time of day but you know who you are. Pretty much anything with Colin Farrell. So let’s get this bad boy started!
Iron Man
Release Date: May 2nd, 2008
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Terrance Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges
Why It Could Rule: First off, it has Robert Downey Jr. in it and he is a fucking hawtie and you know it. Secondly, it takes maybe the most marketable and movie ready character not named Green Lantern or Thor and gives it a pretty good polish. The armor design is the best I have ever seen (It puts Transformers to shame and I will admit that the Autobots and Decepticons were well done) and the animation of the suit itself looks excellent so far. Add in Iron Monger, who looks VERY imposing as a villain although The Mandarin would have been better (Always there for the sequel) and you have a very good set of ground work. The cast is chock full of great acting chops from Terrance Howard (Who will hopefully become War Machine in this or the sequel) and Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stone so just in terms of name it looks to have “Batman Begins” quality of acting. The plot seems feasible which is a stretch for a comic book movie but all of the events seem probable. All in all, it is a good framework for a comic book blockbuster.
Why It Could Suck: Iron Man is marketable in terms of a deep character (Tony Stark, the greatest drunk since Frank Sinatra) and an interesting set of tech that SCREAMS cross-promotion. However, Iron Man also has the least room for error when it comes to plot. This movie isn’t in the position of X-Men or Spiderman where you could mix camp with over the top action. When it all breaks down, the concept of Iron Man is like the concept of Batman except with better toys. At the core it is a man that wants to protect the people around him so they gather the abilities (Whether physically or technological) to do so and in the end become heroes. This movie has to have a spot on plot and correct pacing or it could fall into The Hulk trap of being long and non-linear. It could fall into the Spiderman 3 problem of being too much in the extremes (It was either over the top emo or borderline Benny Hill campiness) of the character of Tony Stark. Not only that, Iron Man has nowhere near the following that the other Marvel movies have had (But more so than Daredevil and Ghost Rider) so people are watching this solely on the armor and the performance of the characters so both have to be on point.
Overall Preview Grade: 8.5 Out of 10 Stars
(Iron Man has probably the least margin of error of all the blockbusters this summer, especially the bevy of comic book movies being released. It also has the largest upside because it can appeal to more markets than the rest of the movies being released. Aside from Wall-e, this could end up being the biggest movie of the summer or the biggest bomb. The margin is that slim.)
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Skull Crystal
Release Date: May 22nd, 2008
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LeBeouf, Cate Blanchett
Why It Could Rule: It’s MOTHERFUCKING INDIANA JONES!! It has been over 15 years since the last movie was released and it was not a fitting end in my honest opinion. So Indy returns on another adventure and from what the trailers have shown not only has it kept the feel of the original it has taken very well to the sands of time. Harrison Ford looks like he started filming the next day after the last day of “The Last Crusade” and the CGI and sets look up to par with anything that has been released recently such as 10,000 BC or Beowulf. The movie has pulled in a very capable cast to go along with what seems to be a very adventurous film.
Why It Could Suck: You know, I think this movie could fall into the “Bad Boys II Trap.” That means that this movie could be SO over the top that it actually gets annoying to watch. We all remember how Will Smith and Martin Lawrence invaded Cuba. Let alone the international incident that would have caused, the last 20 minutes of that movie was so overdone that I kind of tuned out. This movie COULD do the exact same thing. Anything with George Lucas involved will have an element of suck that can’t be denied, as well. I am rather sick of Shia as well, but that is another post.
Overall Preview Grade: 8 Out of 10 Stars
(This movie is probably the safest bet of all the summer blockbusters not part of the Chronicles of Narnia ump-tilogy. This movie will be a hit based on nostalgia alone but there is a really high chance for an overblown sequel in the vein of…all three of the last Star Wars films. Don’t put it past George Lucas to put an Ewok or two in here)
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Release Date: June 6th, 2008
Starring: Adam Sandler….yeah, I don’t like where this is heading.
Why It Could Rule: Well, after Big Daddy I am willing to give Adam Sandler a CHANCE in comedies starring only him. I have learned to not do that, but this looks like it could be funnier than usual. In no way the funniest movie of the summer but by golly it will be the most original. It is your standard not to overpowering but good for an off-week between blockbusters comedy.
Why It Could Suck: Did you SEE the trailer? This is like Soul Plane for Jews. Or something, I don’t know anymore. It just doesn’t look “summer funny” like Superbad or 40 Year Old Virgin. Hell, it isn’t even Bruce Almighty funny. It looks to be a good mid-day viewing but I am not paying full price for a half-assed comedy.
Overall Preview Grade: 6 Out of 10 Stars
(This is in no way going to be great but it isn’t going to be HORRIBLE. However with a summer of no less that 5 legitimate blockbusters this doesn’t look like it has what it takes to compete with the others. Maybe the fourth best comedy of the summer….MAYBE)
The Incredible Hulk
Release Date: June 13th, 2008
Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth
Why It Could Rule: Just by the fact that Ang Lee isn’t on the same continent makes it automatically better. This version of the Hulk is actually based off the TV show which means that it puts it in a different category altogether. Rather than the tragic and misunderstood monster, HULK SMASH! But feel emotion. The Hulk actually looks more streamlined and The Abomination is a formidable foe, albeit not as cool as Iron Monger. The cast is….interesting as Edward Norton to me seems more a fit for Reed Richards than Bruce Banner but that is just me. The plot seems to be more of a fit than the Ang Lee one and from the trailers it looks like an awesome chase film. Like The Hulk meets The Bourne Trilogy.
Why It Could Suck: The Hulk is still fresh in my mind as one of the most BORING comic book movies ever. I mean seriously, it was bad. Aside from the impressive visuals (Which have been blown away tenfold since in other movies) there was no redeeming quality about that movie. With that being said, it is very easy to fuck up a Hulk movie because every second he ISNT smashing something is a wasted second as far as I am concerned. Revamping the origin (I believe) isn’t a good move because they could have kept the ending and just began the chase from there giving prime time to wreck shop. By reinventing the origin they kill a lot of action and that will tune off a lot of people. Also, I really don’t think Liv Tyler should be allowed to be in movies. At all.
Overall Preview Grade: 7 Out of 10 Stars
(Now this could go up to about a 9 depending on how well they can redo the origin and incorporate that into an action packed movie but I don’t see it getting any higher unless it completely blows the doors off the theater with its awesomeness. This movie has to work HARD to wash the taste of the first one out as well as compete with three better comic book movies IMHO)
Get Smart
Release Date: June 20th, 2008
Starring: Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson
Why It Could Rule: There is a lot of summertime action power here in The Rock and Steve Carrell. Steve has proven that he can be funny with the worst material (Evan Almighty) but he hasn’t really been in a comedic action role. Luckily he has The Rock to bail him out who is a master at this kind of thing. Although it is a remake (WHICH I HATE) it still has Anne Hathaway and her fine self in the movie so it has its perks already.
Why It Could Suck: You know, it just doesn’t look all that funny. It is supposed to be action packed and I hope it is because Get Smart by itself doesn’t stand alone as a movie. Even with the star power it has, I don’t see this movie being up there with some of the other films coming out.
Overall Preview Grade: 7 Out of 10 Stars
(This is a movie that will be a good break after The Incredible Hulk but in the end will get lost in the shuffle. Remakes are always hard to make good and this will be no exception. That and I am still pissed about Bewitched)
Wanted
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Starring: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Common
Why It Could Rule: This movie is based off a little know comic by the same name which gives it a leg up on the competition because no one is MENTIONING IT. I believe that is what killed some of the awesomeness that was Sin City because it was hyped as a graphic novel and that type of storytelling needs to be worked into a movie in a way that the normals can get. This is being hyped like a Bourne meets Mission Impossible movie which will help out a lot. The strongest part of this movie is the cast. Aside from the mis-casting of Angelina Jolie as the main female (She was Black in the comic) all the characters fit their roles perfectly. The plot is (For the most part) lifted straight from the comic which RULED and was built for the big screen, rather than taking characters and building a plot for the masses.
Why It Could Suck: A movie about a hitman has a lot of bad points. Mainly the “hero” is a murderer and people frown upon that. Secondly, the action looks a tad bit Matrix-y and that doesn’t fit the comic book and may give a wannabe Neo feel to the movie. Also, the film has been hyped but nowhere near its competition which will put it at a disagvantage. Angelina Jolie’s jubblies are not enough to sell a movie. See: Beowulf.
Overall Preview Grade: 7.5 Out of 10 Stars
(This could end up being a sleeper hit but for the most part it looks to be an average action movie. I don’t see this pulling a Live Free or Die Hard and just rocking my face off but it should be a good watch. Overall, it looks like it will be above average but I could be wrong)
Hellboy II AKA Hellboy & The Golden Army
Release Date: July 11th, 2008
Starring: Ron Pearlman, Selma Blair
Why It Could Rule: Now I am a bit biased because I liked the original Hellboy but after seeing the trailer for this movie before The Forbidden Kingdom I can say flat out that this will be the most visually stimulating movie of 2008. HANDS DOWN. Guillermo Del Toro has helped in creating a visual world that fits what Hellboy would actually be in. The plot is straight from the books (I believe) and the atmosphere seems to match that. My god, it looks BEAUTIFUL. The scenery goes from majestic to downright creepy and it fits to a tee. I felt that the first Hellboy was out of its element and looks kind of hokey although I like the plot and it actually had some good character development. Overall, I believe that the atmosphere and the douche of a villain (We are talking at Sephiroth levels here) make this a sure hit…hopefully.
Why It Could Suck: The first Hellboy did WELL, but not as well as the comic book movies before it. I personally feel the criticisms were unfair but true. The movie was out of its element as it tried to integrate a full fantasy world into a real life setting and in some cases it worked very well (plot-wise) but in others it did not (Visually, it looked out of place). Some will find the locals and backdrops very Pan’s Labyrinth-like and that movie itself was an acquired taste as well. Quite simple, Hellboy 2 isn’t a mass market comic book movie and that will hurt it.
Overall Preview Grade: 9 Out of 10 Stars
(I am aiming high with this movie but I believe that this grade will be well worth it. I think this will be the best movie of the summer overall in terms of visuals, plot, action and substance but I fell most people will either be scared or turned off but the characters which are the standard hot fare that the summer brings. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!)
The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Starring: Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman (You know what, let’s just give this movie 15 stars and call it a year)
Why It WILL Rule: Did you see the cast? Read it again….I’ll wait. You see that? This movie is badass on the actors alone. Heath Ledger has The Joker NAILED in the trailers while we get to look more into the Batman mythos in this film. The addition of Twoface (MAYBE) in Aaron Eckhart as a villain follows in the Batman vein and means that this will be fucking awesome. The tech has stepped it up big time while the retelling of The Joker origin is enough by itself to see this movie. As great as Batman Begins was, this movie will blow that out of the water.
How It COULD Suck: Expectations of this movie are high. VERY HIGH. After Superman Returns (Which I liked….when I was awake) did blow fans away like Batman Begins did, The Dark Knight is the measuring stick on whether a JLA movie will be made because that is the only place left to go. People are not obly expecting a great comic book movie but a great movie in general and that is hard praise to live up to. This could either be The Empire Strikes Back where it redefines the genre as a whole or it could be The Matrix Reloaded and be a disappointment to us all. Just not me.
Overall Preview Grade: 10 Out of 10 Stars
(Yes, you knew that was coming. But in all honesty there is almost NO WAY this movie could be bad if you have even the slightest care about Batman or movies in general. From the look and feel of Gotham to the performances of the actors so far to even the plot itself. This movie has the pieces to be the best movie of not only 2008, but the best sequel EVER. Yes, I went there)
There are some more movies to cover like Wall-e (Which I think will be the biggest movie of the summer because of its rating), Hancock, Pineapple Express, X-Files 2 and Meet Dave and I will go over them probably next week if not next Sunday before the release of IRON MAN! Got, that movie is going to rule. This summer I will be at your local movie house pretty much every Friday and Denver every Saturday at a Rockies game. It will be summertime…in the CSP:
Heh, I kicks it old school. I will try to be back in the middle of the week (Wednesday or Thursday before the Countdown) with a new post. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Summer Movie Spectac-a-ganza!
How do you like that? Pretty damn bad ass, right? Anyway, I am only focusing on the GOOD movies so these films will not be previewed:
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Why?: Because Jesus always has been and always will be “teh suck.” That and I think those fucking kids should have been eaten by the lion in the first one. That would have ruled.
Sex In The City: The Movie
Why?: Because Horseface Parker and the Old Bitch Three had a shitty show and it will make a shitty movie. The only good movie based on a TV show was “The Simpsons Movie” and to a lesser extent, “Tiny Toons Summer Vacation.”
The Happening
Why?: It’s M Night Shyamalan. That in itself is enough to make me never want to see that shitfest.
Speed Racer
Why?: Because not even Bi can save this movie. Just looking at it makes me think of Wipeout for the original Playstation:
Great if you are playing a video game. Not for one of the original and trendsetting anime of all time.
There are some other suckier movies but I will not give them the time of day but you know who you are. Pretty much anything with Colin Farrell. So let’s get this bad boy started!
Iron Man
Release Date: May 2nd, 2008
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Terrance Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges
Why It Could Rule: First off, it has Robert Downey Jr. in it and he is a fucking hawtie and you know it. Secondly, it takes maybe the most marketable and movie ready character not named Green Lantern or Thor and gives it a pretty good polish. The armor design is the best I have ever seen (It puts Transformers to shame and I will admit that the Autobots and Decepticons were well done) and the animation of the suit itself looks excellent so far. Add in Iron Monger, who looks VERY imposing as a villain although The Mandarin would have been better (Always there for the sequel) and you have a very good set of ground work. The cast is chock full of great acting chops from Terrance Howard (Who will hopefully become War Machine in this or the sequel) and Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stone so just in terms of name it looks to have “Batman Begins” quality of acting. The plot seems feasible which is a stretch for a comic book movie but all of the events seem probable. All in all, it is a good framework for a comic book blockbuster.
Why It Could Suck: Iron Man is marketable in terms of a deep character (Tony Stark, the greatest drunk since Frank Sinatra) and an interesting set of tech that SCREAMS cross-promotion. However, Iron Man also has the least room for error when it comes to plot. This movie isn’t in the position of X-Men or Spiderman where you could mix camp with over the top action. When it all breaks down, the concept of Iron Man is like the concept of Batman except with better toys. At the core it is a man that wants to protect the people around him so they gather the abilities (Whether physically or technological) to do so and in the end become heroes. This movie has to have a spot on plot and correct pacing or it could fall into The Hulk trap of being long and non-linear. It could fall into the Spiderman 3 problem of being too much in the extremes (It was either over the top emo or borderline Benny Hill campiness) of the character of Tony Stark. Not only that, Iron Man has nowhere near the following that the other Marvel movies have had (But more so than Daredevil and Ghost Rider) so people are watching this solely on the armor and the performance of the characters so both have to be on point.
Overall Preview Grade: 8.5 Out of 10 Stars
(Iron Man has probably the least margin of error of all the blockbusters this summer, especially the bevy of comic book movies being released. It also has the largest upside because it can appeal to more markets than the rest of the movies being released. Aside from Wall-e, this could end up being the biggest movie of the summer or the biggest bomb. The margin is that slim.)
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Skull Crystal
Release Date: May 22nd, 2008
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LeBeouf, Cate Blanchett
Why It Could Rule: It’s MOTHERFUCKING INDIANA JONES!! It has been over 15 years since the last movie was released and it was not a fitting end in my honest opinion. So Indy returns on another adventure and from what the trailers have shown not only has it kept the feel of the original it has taken very well to the sands of time. Harrison Ford looks like he started filming the next day after the last day of “The Last Crusade” and the CGI and sets look up to par with anything that has been released recently such as 10,000 BC or Beowulf. The movie has pulled in a very capable cast to go along with what seems to be a very adventurous film.
Why It Could Suck: You know, I think this movie could fall into the “Bad Boys II Trap.” That means that this movie could be SO over the top that it actually gets annoying to watch. We all remember how Will Smith and Martin Lawrence invaded Cuba. Let alone the international incident that would have caused, the last 20 minutes of that movie was so overdone that I kind of tuned out. This movie COULD do the exact same thing. Anything with George Lucas involved will have an element of suck that can’t be denied, as well. I am rather sick of Shia as well, but that is another post.
Overall Preview Grade: 8 Out of 10 Stars
(This movie is probably the safest bet of all the summer blockbusters not part of the Chronicles of Narnia ump-tilogy. This movie will be a hit based on nostalgia alone but there is a really high chance for an overblown sequel in the vein of…all three of the last Star Wars films. Don’t put it past George Lucas to put an Ewok or two in here)
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Release Date: June 6th, 2008
Starring: Adam Sandler….yeah, I don’t like where this is heading.
Why It Could Rule: Well, after Big Daddy I am willing to give Adam Sandler a CHANCE in comedies starring only him. I have learned to not do that, but this looks like it could be funnier than usual. In no way the funniest movie of the summer but by golly it will be the most original. It is your standard not to overpowering but good for an off-week between blockbusters comedy.
Why It Could Suck: Did you SEE the trailer? This is like Soul Plane for Jews. Or something, I don’t know anymore. It just doesn’t look “summer funny” like Superbad or 40 Year Old Virgin. Hell, it isn’t even Bruce Almighty funny. It looks to be a good mid-day viewing but I am not paying full price for a half-assed comedy.
Overall Preview Grade: 6 Out of 10 Stars
(This is in no way going to be great but it isn’t going to be HORRIBLE. However with a summer of no less that 5 legitimate blockbusters this doesn’t look like it has what it takes to compete with the others. Maybe the fourth best comedy of the summer….MAYBE)
The Incredible Hulk
Release Date: June 13th, 2008
Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth
Why It Could Rule: Just by the fact that Ang Lee isn’t on the same continent makes it automatically better. This version of the Hulk is actually based off the TV show which means that it puts it in a different category altogether. Rather than the tragic and misunderstood monster, HULK SMASH! But feel emotion. The Hulk actually looks more streamlined and The Abomination is a formidable foe, albeit not as cool as Iron Monger. The cast is….interesting as Edward Norton to me seems more a fit for Reed Richards than Bruce Banner but that is just me. The plot seems to be more of a fit than the Ang Lee one and from the trailers it looks like an awesome chase film. Like The Hulk meets The Bourne Trilogy.
Why It Could Suck: The Hulk is still fresh in my mind as one of the most BORING comic book movies ever. I mean seriously, it was bad. Aside from the impressive visuals (Which have been blown away tenfold since in other movies) there was no redeeming quality about that movie. With that being said, it is very easy to fuck up a Hulk movie because every second he ISNT smashing something is a wasted second as far as I am concerned. Revamping the origin (I believe) isn’t a good move because they could have kept the ending and just began the chase from there giving prime time to wreck shop. By reinventing the origin they kill a lot of action and that will tune off a lot of people. Also, I really don’t think Liv Tyler should be allowed to be in movies. At all.
Overall Preview Grade: 7 Out of 10 Stars
(Now this could go up to about a 9 depending on how well they can redo the origin and incorporate that into an action packed movie but I don’t see it getting any higher unless it completely blows the doors off the theater with its awesomeness. This movie has to work HARD to wash the taste of the first one out as well as compete with three better comic book movies IMHO)
Get Smart
Release Date: June 20th, 2008
Starring: Steve Carrell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson
Why It Could Rule: There is a lot of summertime action power here in The Rock and Steve Carrell. Steve has proven that he can be funny with the worst material (Evan Almighty) but he hasn’t really been in a comedic action role. Luckily he has The Rock to bail him out who is a master at this kind of thing. Although it is a remake (WHICH I HATE) it still has Anne Hathaway and her fine self in the movie so it has its perks already.
Why It Could Suck: You know, it just doesn’t look all that funny. It is supposed to be action packed and I hope it is because Get Smart by itself doesn’t stand alone as a movie. Even with the star power it has, I don’t see this movie being up there with some of the other films coming out.
Overall Preview Grade: 7 Out of 10 Stars
(This is a movie that will be a good break after The Incredible Hulk but in the end will get lost in the shuffle. Remakes are always hard to make good and this will be no exception. That and I am still pissed about Bewitched)
Wanted
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Starring: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie, Common
Why It Could Rule: This movie is based off a little know comic by the same name which gives it a leg up on the competition because no one is MENTIONING IT. I believe that is what killed some of the awesomeness that was Sin City because it was hyped as a graphic novel and that type of storytelling needs to be worked into a movie in a way that the normals can get. This is being hyped like a Bourne meets Mission Impossible movie which will help out a lot. The strongest part of this movie is the cast. Aside from the mis-casting of Angelina Jolie as the main female (She was Black in the comic) all the characters fit their roles perfectly. The plot is (For the most part) lifted straight from the comic which RULED and was built for the big screen, rather than taking characters and building a plot for the masses.
Why It Could Suck: A movie about a hitman has a lot of bad points. Mainly the “hero” is a murderer and people frown upon that. Secondly, the action looks a tad bit Matrix-y and that doesn’t fit the comic book and may give a wannabe Neo feel to the movie. Also, the film has been hyped but nowhere near its competition which will put it at a disagvantage. Angelina Jolie’s jubblies are not enough to sell a movie. See: Beowulf.
Overall Preview Grade: 7.5 Out of 10 Stars
(This could end up being a sleeper hit but for the most part it looks to be an average action movie. I don’t see this pulling a Live Free or Die Hard and just rocking my face off but it should be a good watch. Overall, it looks like it will be above average but I could be wrong)
Hellboy II AKA Hellboy & The Golden Army
Release Date: July 11th, 2008
Starring: Ron Pearlman, Selma Blair
Why It Could Rule: Now I am a bit biased because I liked the original Hellboy but after seeing the trailer for this movie before The Forbidden Kingdom I can say flat out that this will be the most visually stimulating movie of 2008. HANDS DOWN. Guillermo Del Toro has helped in creating a visual world that fits what Hellboy would actually be in. The plot is straight from the books (I believe) and the atmosphere seems to match that. My god, it looks BEAUTIFUL. The scenery goes from majestic to downright creepy and it fits to a tee. I felt that the first Hellboy was out of its element and looks kind of hokey although I like the plot and it actually had some good character development. Overall, I believe that the atmosphere and the douche of a villain (We are talking at Sephiroth levels here) make this a sure hit…hopefully.
Why It Could Suck: The first Hellboy did WELL, but not as well as the comic book movies before it. I personally feel the criticisms were unfair but true. The movie was out of its element as it tried to integrate a full fantasy world into a real life setting and in some cases it worked very well (plot-wise) but in others it did not (Visually, it looked out of place). Some will find the locals and backdrops very Pan’s Labyrinth-like and that movie itself was an acquired taste as well. Quite simple, Hellboy 2 isn’t a mass market comic book movie and that will hurt it.
Overall Preview Grade: 9 Out of 10 Stars
(I am aiming high with this movie but I believe that this grade will be well worth it. I think this will be the best movie of the summer overall in terms of visuals, plot, action and substance but I fell most people will either be scared or turned off but the characters which are the standard hot fare that the summer brings. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!)
The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Starring: Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman (You know what, let’s just give this movie 15 stars and call it a year)
Why It WILL Rule: Did you see the cast? Read it again….I’ll wait. You see that? This movie is badass on the actors alone. Heath Ledger has The Joker NAILED in the trailers while we get to look more into the Batman mythos in this film. The addition of Twoface (MAYBE) in Aaron Eckhart as a villain follows in the Batman vein and means that this will be fucking awesome. The tech has stepped it up big time while the retelling of The Joker origin is enough by itself to see this movie. As great as Batman Begins was, this movie will blow that out of the water.
How It COULD Suck: Expectations of this movie are high. VERY HIGH. After Superman Returns (Which I liked….when I was awake) did blow fans away like Batman Begins did, The Dark Knight is the measuring stick on whether a JLA movie will be made because that is the only place left to go. People are not obly expecting a great comic book movie but a great movie in general and that is hard praise to live up to. This could either be The Empire Strikes Back where it redefines the genre as a whole or it could be The Matrix Reloaded and be a disappointment to us all. Just not me.
Overall Preview Grade: 10 Out of 10 Stars
(Yes, you knew that was coming. But in all honesty there is almost NO WAY this movie could be bad if you have even the slightest care about Batman or movies in general. From the look and feel of Gotham to the performances of the actors so far to even the plot itself. This movie has the pieces to be the best movie of not only 2008, but the best sequel EVER. Yes, I went there)
There are some more movies to cover like Wall-e (Which I think will be the biggest movie of the summer because of its rating), Hancock, Pineapple Express, X-Files 2 and Meet Dave and I will go over them probably next week if not next Sunday before the release of IRON MAN! Got, that movie is going to rule. This summer I will be at your local movie house pretty much every Friday and Denver every Saturday at a Rockies game. It will be summertime…in the CSP:
Heh, I kicks it old school. I will try to be back in the middle of the week (Wednesday or Thursday before the Countdown) with a new post. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Monday, April 21, 2008
God....So This Is How The World Ends? With A Polow Tha Don Beat? Figures...
So this weekend was an eye-opener and I realized something: nuclear holocaust must happen right the fuck now. Over the last three days I have lost whatever faith I had in humanity (Which was very fucking little), what little respect I had for women (If ANY, actually. Sorry but I watched an episode of "The Hills" and just for that you all should be shot in the fucking face) and have come to realize that even though we as a human race are at rock bottom someone finds a way to lower the fucking bar of asshatery. I am not going to say I want the terrorists to win but man, they bring up some valid points about how Americans are fucktards. The problem is that radical Muslims are the ULTIMATE in fucktards so it is like me calling Big Van Vader a fat-ass:
Which I would never do because he would go sick-house on my fat ass. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
So we all know that the majority of people see being refined or having any sort of appreciation for anything not reality TV, shitty hip hop or low-brow humor as being gay and women are one brain cell short of being lower on the intelligence scale than cats (Which gives them too much credit because cats RULE YOUR FACE, BITCHES!) but that was expected and I have accepted that as the norm. It is true and none of you can prove me wrong so eat a fucking dick. However, this takes the cake that proves that women and niggas need to be eliminated as soon as possible and Persacons need to hit the market ASAP (Are you listening, Japan?! Quit obsessing about used panties and MAKE SOME GODDAMN ROBOTS YOU SOULLESS PRICKS!). I had MTV Jams on as background noise as I was getting ready to head up to Denver on Saturday (A story in itself, I tell you what) when I heard something that may have cause a rip in the space/suck continuum and may end up destroying civilization as we know it forever. Nelly and Fergie made a song together:
If there was ever proof that niggas and bitches will inherit the Earth, this is your fucking proof. Can someone explain to me why Nelly hasn’t been shot already? Remember when rappers were getting shot like they were squirrels in Alabama during the summertime? I miss those days because this man needs to GO. Not necessarily DIE as much as needs to go far, far away and stay off of my TV, radio and interweb. As for Fergie….women are fucking idiots and find her more of a role model than Carol Moseley Braun and Dana Perino (Ladies, if you DON’T know who they are then get your ass in the kitchen because you have no idea about anything. If you do, I tip my hat to you. You are one of the smart ones and you are awesome) so quite simply I expect her to never disappear. However, this is what pisses me off about this. Nelly has three Grammys. Fergie has two Grammys. That is a total of five since 2000. You know how many Frank Sinatra had in his career? Nine, ten if you count the “Lifetime Achievement Award” he got. So let me get this straight….
NELLY AND FERGIE ARE HALFWAY TO BEING AS GOOD AS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE MOTHERFUCKING BOARD?!
This is why music sucks and why people suck even more. Frank Sinatra is a legend of music, stage and cinema and yet we give movie roles to 50 Cent and call him a thespian (Which is like calling any woman a “virgin” because she only sucks dicks and does anal. Yes, you are a virgin in the BIBLICAL sense but can swallowing Listerine bring back your dignity? Or fix your wrecked rectum?) Say what you will (If you say anything at all) about my listening to J-pop, show tunes or classic music but at least it is better than anything Nelly or Fergie have put out. The fact that these two have ONE FUCKING GRAMMY TO SHARE shows that the concept of musical talent is lost on Americans, especially those between the ages of 16-30 because they are the combined largest market. They are also the combined STUPIDEST MARKET, as evident by the influx of shitty horror movies and crappy ass reality shows about stupid White fuckers with problems. Oh, and Flavor Flav’s ignorant coon ass. Yes, I fucking said COON and I will say it again. I am through playing around. Another year of douchery like 2007 and Blacks will be back in the fields and women will be back in the kitchen by 2009. Fix it and fix it RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. You cannot depend on Hillary and Obama to fix shit for you.
I know I shouldn’t be upset about this but goddamnit I have to live in this world, too. Stupid people fuck it up for the rest of us. Don’t believe me? See school shooters, terrorists, polygamists and Catholics. I rest my fucking case. If we don’t kill Fergie and Nelly now, the monster will end up killing us. Or something like that. Jesus said it or something so it must be true. Or maybe it was from “King Kong” or something. Either way, people suck. That is all.
It is so bedtime. I will be back at some point this week to offend the rest of you that I didn’t offend today. That pretty much means the Albanians. I got something for your swarthy asses. Until then, stay up peeps. Oh, and fuck bros. Had to fit that in seeing as how I am ripping people new ones and all.
Chachi Out.
Which I would never do because he would go sick-house on my fat ass. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
So we all know that the majority of people see being refined or having any sort of appreciation for anything not reality TV, shitty hip hop or low-brow humor as being gay and women are one brain cell short of being lower on the intelligence scale than cats (Which gives them too much credit because cats RULE YOUR FACE, BITCHES!) but that was expected and I have accepted that as the norm. It is true and none of you can prove me wrong so eat a fucking dick. However, this takes the cake that proves that women and niggas need to be eliminated as soon as possible and Persacons need to hit the market ASAP (Are you listening, Japan?! Quit obsessing about used panties and MAKE SOME GODDAMN ROBOTS YOU SOULLESS PRICKS!). I had MTV Jams on as background noise as I was getting ready to head up to Denver on Saturday (A story in itself, I tell you what) when I heard something that may have cause a rip in the space/suck continuum and may end up destroying civilization as we know it forever. Nelly and Fergie made a song together:
If there was ever proof that niggas and bitches will inherit the Earth, this is your fucking proof. Can someone explain to me why Nelly hasn’t been shot already? Remember when rappers were getting shot like they were squirrels in Alabama during the summertime? I miss those days because this man needs to GO. Not necessarily DIE as much as needs to go far, far away and stay off of my TV, radio and interweb. As for Fergie….women are fucking idiots and find her more of a role model than Carol Moseley Braun and Dana Perino (Ladies, if you DON’T know who they are then get your ass in the kitchen because you have no idea about anything. If you do, I tip my hat to you. You are one of the smart ones and you are awesome) so quite simply I expect her to never disappear. However, this is what pisses me off about this. Nelly has three Grammys. Fergie has two Grammys. That is a total of five since 2000. You know how many Frank Sinatra had in his career? Nine, ten if you count the “Lifetime Achievement Award” he got. So let me get this straight….
NELLY AND FERGIE ARE HALFWAY TO BEING AS GOOD AS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE MOTHERFUCKING BOARD?!
This is why music sucks and why people suck even more. Frank Sinatra is a legend of music, stage and cinema and yet we give movie roles to 50 Cent and call him a thespian (Which is like calling any woman a “virgin” because she only sucks dicks and does anal. Yes, you are a virgin in the BIBLICAL sense but can swallowing Listerine bring back your dignity? Or fix your wrecked rectum?) Say what you will (If you say anything at all) about my listening to J-pop, show tunes or classic music but at least it is better than anything Nelly or Fergie have put out. The fact that these two have ONE FUCKING GRAMMY TO SHARE shows that the concept of musical talent is lost on Americans, especially those between the ages of 16-30 because they are the combined largest market. They are also the combined STUPIDEST MARKET, as evident by the influx of shitty horror movies and crappy ass reality shows about stupid White fuckers with problems. Oh, and Flavor Flav’s ignorant coon ass. Yes, I fucking said COON and I will say it again. I am through playing around. Another year of douchery like 2007 and Blacks will be back in the fields and women will be back in the kitchen by 2009. Fix it and fix it RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. You cannot depend on Hillary and Obama to fix shit for you.
I know I shouldn’t be upset about this but goddamnit I have to live in this world, too. Stupid people fuck it up for the rest of us. Don’t believe me? See school shooters, terrorists, polygamists and Catholics. I rest my fucking case. If we don’t kill Fergie and Nelly now, the monster will end up killing us. Or something like that. Jesus said it or something so it must be true. Or maybe it was from “King Kong” or something. Either way, people suck. That is all.
It is so bedtime. I will be back at some point this week to offend the rest of you that I didn’t offend today. That pretty much means the Albanians. I got something for your swarthy asses. Until then, stay up peeps. Oh, and fuck bros. Had to fit that in seeing as how I am ripping people new ones and all.
Chachi Out.
Friday, April 18, 2008
We May Be Witnessing History. To Me, Anyway.
It is another Friday so you know what is coming up! You want it, you love it, you need it!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with two videos from the Countdown’s biggest stars!
20. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #16)
Looks like the end of the road for two of the biggest names on the Countdown. Nelly Furtado failed to take the number one spot for the second straight time after dominating last spring with “Say it Right.” With nothing new from her since then, it may be about time for something new.
19. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #17)
Part two of the falling legends. Literally as John Legend failed again to take the top spot from a newcomer (Lupe Fiasco). Same as Nelly Furtado as these two battled it out for the Album of the Year Chachi Award. IN 2006. Give us something new!
18. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (New Entry)
Hells yes! This song came out in Feburary (I believe)but I just found the video. This song is the “Chance” to UVERworld “D-technolife” as it is a lot slower of a rock song but just as awesome. Tune in next week, “CHU-BURA” debuts on Bleach! Single should be out 4/23/2008! Greatest year ever!
17. Colbie Caillat – Realize (Last Week #20)
Yeah, as you know I like this song and video. I’m not ashamed to say it anymore. Okay, maybe I am a little bit as it goes against everything I believe inwhen it comes to love and whatnot but hey. Sue me, I’m a romantic.
16. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #18)
Speaking of romantic, I am SO DOWN to find a karaoke place and learn this song! Is there a lady out there that is willing to learn Japanese and do it with me?
15. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #12, Four Weeks at #1)
CRS falls another three spots this week after a big run at the top. All three artists have new videos out including NERD, for which they are doing a video for that song I REALLY FUCKING HATE but maybe it is just a promo video.
14. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #15)
You know, have they had an album since that one with “Cho Large” on it? I don’t believe so. I know they each have their own thing but still.
13. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #11)
Hearts Grow falls another two spots this week as they fail to match the success of “Himawari” this time out. Not much on an album or a new single front….which upsets me a great deal. I wonder how a band with little fanfare pulls the openings of Naruto, Powerpuff Girls and Gintama. Those are big names.
12. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #9)
Rebelde falls out of the Top 10 for the first time in 2008! It is a shock but at the same time they need to bring me something new. I miss me some Anahi.
11. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #13)
Kanye is one step away from his record tying sixth Top 10 video! That ties him with Yui and with two number ones to his credit he is laying claim to the King of the Countdown throne. How can he follow up last years’ Album of the Year performance? Maybe with Video of the Year?
10. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #6)
Mihimaru GT falls four big spots this week as it looks like they are on their way out of the Top 10. The new video is interesting and I haven’t found out exactly what movie it is from. I tell you what I did see: Sex is Zero 2. It was pretty good, but not great. Review this weekend.
9. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #8)
Two new Roots videos! Hells yeah! Despite that, they fall a spot this week but still stay in the Top 10.
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #10)
Lupe has an interesting new video for “Tokyo, Paris” that premiered last week. Pretty damn cool, unlike most rap videos. But you can’t win them all, I guess.On a sadder note, Nelly has a new video. With Fergie. They needs to die.
7. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (Last Week #14, Biggest Mover)
Usher is in the Top 10 for the first time ever! Never thought I would say THAT but here we are. Also, in a shocker this is Young Jeezy’s third trip into the Top 10 which is just as shocking as anything else. Who know?
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
After stalling out at number four, Erykah Badu falls two more spots this week and out of the Top Five. It has been a pretty long run for her first time out but I think she needs a new video in circulation. This one is getting a bit played out. It was in a Cheerios commercial. Just kidding.
5. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #7)
The Arc is BACK, BABY! Hyde and Co are back in the Top 5 with this video and single from the Devil May Cry series. I am all about this song while driving which is good and bad at the same time because people hate on the J-Rock. Eh, they are better than half the stuff here so nyah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)
After three weeks stalled at number two, Yui could not wrestle the top spot away from Bennie K! This makes the second straight time Yui has been runner up for more than one week and failed to take the top spot. Is she losing steam? Well, maybe not because we are down to three!
3. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #5)
…And she looks like she will have another chance at the top! Her latest video leapfrogs the original and looks to battle for the crown. It started off as a slow year for Yui after being gone for about four and a half months but now she is back with a vengeance. Can she finally take back her throne?
2. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #3)
Foxxi MisQ is one step away once again! The ladies are at the runner up spot and look to do what RBD, CRS, John Legend, Nelly Furtado, Mihimaru GT and Yui could not do: knock off the reigning number one video!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Seven Weeks at #1)
Which belongs to Bennie K! They have officially tied the record for the longest running video with a combination of two duos in UGK and Outkast! It has been a long run for these two ladies as it took them a month to take the top spot and they have held it for almost TWO months. Now that is dominance. Congratulations on tying the record!
That is all for this week! Tune in next week to see if history can be made! Can Bennie K hold on the number one spot for a Countdown record EIGHT WEEK? Or will Foxxi MisQ finally take the number one spot? Is it Yui’s turn to finally break the streak and take back her crown as Queen of the Countdown? Look out for Usher, he is making massive moves! Looks like spring has sprung, peeps!
I am out for now. Movies tonight (And tomorrow because I really want to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and then Denver on Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with two videos from the Countdown’s biggest stars!
20. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #16)
Looks like the end of the road for two of the biggest names on the Countdown. Nelly Furtado failed to take the number one spot for the second straight time after dominating last spring with “Say it Right.” With nothing new from her since then, it may be about time for something new.
19. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #17)
Part two of the falling legends. Literally as John Legend failed again to take the top spot from a newcomer (Lupe Fiasco). Same as Nelly Furtado as these two battled it out for the Album of the Year Chachi Award. IN 2006. Give us something new!
18. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (New Entry)
Hells yes! This song came out in Feburary (I believe)but I just found the video. This song is the “Chance” to UVERworld “D-technolife” as it is a lot slower of a rock song but just as awesome. Tune in next week, “CHU-BURA” debuts on Bleach! Single should be out 4/23/2008! Greatest year ever!
17. Colbie Caillat – Realize (Last Week #20)
Yeah, as you know I like this song and video. I’m not ashamed to say it anymore. Okay, maybe I am a little bit as it goes against everything I believe inwhen it comes to love and whatnot but hey. Sue me, I’m a romantic.
16. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #18)
Speaking of romantic, I am SO DOWN to find a karaoke place and learn this song! Is there a lady out there that is willing to learn Japanese and do it with me?
15. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #12, Four Weeks at #1)
CRS falls another three spots this week after a big run at the top. All three artists have new videos out including NERD, for which they are doing a video for that song I REALLY FUCKING HATE but maybe it is just a promo video.
14. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #15)
You know, have they had an album since that one with “Cho Large” on it? I don’t believe so. I know they each have their own thing but still.
13. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #11)
Hearts Grow falls another two spots this week as they fail to match the success of “Himawari” this time out. Not much on an album or a new single front….which upsets me a great deal. I wonder how a band with little fanfare pulls the openings of Naruto, Powerpuff Girls and Gintama. Those are big names.
12. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #9)
Rebelde falls out of the Top 10 for the first time in 2008! It is a shock but at the same time they need to bring me something new. I miss me some Anahi.
11. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #13)
Kanye is one step away from his record tying sixth Top 10 video! That ties him with Yui and with two number ones to his credit he is laying claim to the King of the Countdown throne. How can he follow up last years’ Album of the Year performance? Maybe with Video of the Year?
10. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #6)
Mihimaru GT falls four big spots this week as it looks like they are on their way out of the Top 10. The new video is interesting and I haven’t found out exactly what movie it is from. I tell you what I did see: Sex is Zero 2. It was pretty good, but not great. Review this weekend.
9. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #8)
Two new Roots videos! Hells yeah! Despite that, they fall a spot this week but still stay in the Top 10.
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #10)
Lupe has an interesting new video for “Tokyo, Paris” that premiered last week. Pretty damn cool, unlike most rap videos. But you can’t win them all, I guess.On a sadder note, Nelly has a new video. With Fergie. They needs to die.
7. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (Last Week #14, Biggest Mover)
Usher is in the Top 10 for the first time ever! Never thought I would say THAT but here we are. Also, in a shocker this is Young Jeezy’s third trip into the Top 10 which is just as shocking as anything else. Who know?
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
After stalling out at number four, Erykah Badu falls two more spots this week and out of the Top Five. It has been a pretty long run for her first time out but I think she needs a new video in circulation. This one is getting a bit played out. It was in a Cheerios commercial. Just kidding.
5. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #7)
The Arc is BACK, BABY! Hyde and Co are back in the Top 5 with this video and single from the Devil May Cry series. I am all about this song while driving which is good and bad at the same time because people hate on the J-Rock. Eh, they are better than half the stuff here so nyah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)
After three weeks stalled at number two, Yui could not wrestle the top spot away from Bennie K! This makes the second straight time Yui has been runner up for more than one week and failed to take the top spot. Is she losing steam? Well, maybe not because we are down to three!
3. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #5)
…And she looks like she will have another chance at the top! Her latest video leapfrogs the original and looks to battle for the crown. It started off as a slow year for Yui after being gone for about four and a half months but now she is back with a vengeance. Can she finally take back her throne?
2. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #3)
Foxxi MisQ is one step away once again! The ladies are at the runner up spot and look to do what RBD, CRS, John Legend, Nelly Furtado, Mihimaru GT and Yui could not do: knock off the reigning number one video!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Seven Weeks at #1)
Which belongs to Bennie K! They have officially tied the record for the longest running video with a combination of two duos in UGK and Outkast! It has been a long run for these two ladies as it took them a month to take the top spot and they have held it for almost TWO months. Now that is dominance. Congratulations on tying the record!
That is all for this week! Tune in next week to see if history can be made! Can Bennie K hold on the number one spot for a Countdown record EIGHT WEEK? Or will Foxxi MisQ finally take the number one spot? Is it Yui’s turn to finally break the streak and take back her crown as Queen of the Countdown? Look out for Usher, he is making massive moves! Looks like spring has sprung, peeps!
I am out for now. Movies tonight (And tomorrow because I really want to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and then Denver on Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Who Turned Off The Damn Heat?!
What is up, peeps! I told you I would be back, motherfuckers! Man, I have a total potty mouth. THAT’S why I don’t have any friends. So after having blogs pointed directly on a subject, I haven’t had the chance to just do a random blog about random crap like I used to do. Seeing as how I am angry at life in general (I get like that sometimes) it is about time that I calmed down and took a step back. So today, I am going to be a tad bit all over the place but follow me. To dee beech. BOYEEEE!
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Random Thought #1: People Need To Stop With The Kobe Bryant Hatred.
Now as you all know, I have had a love hate relationship with Kobe. I have always felt that he is the best all-around player in the NBA and no one can debate that except for the fucktards that consider Steve Nash anything but an unkempt Canadian hippie. He is a better player than Dirk Nowistski (Although I am all about “Hard Work” Dirk) and as far as Tim Duncan goes, I believe that he is now to Tony Parker to what Shaq was to Kobe during the 3-peat: someone great but a lot better with someone to draw the double teams. Yet, Kobe Bryant has no MVP awards. NONE. The man has been the most DOMINANT player in the NBA for the last 4 seasons and all he has to show for it is looking at Dirk and Steve and their pasty white asses win MVP awards for being great with very good teams. Name someone else on the Lakers right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I didn’t think so. The Suns have Amare Stoudamire (OVERRATED) and the “Big Retard” Shaq while Dirk has had a stream of players come in and out of Dallas since Mark Cuban actually spends MONEY on people to put around his starts. Kobe has been EXCELLENT on a sub-par team and yet no one will give him his proper due as the Most Valuable Player award even though he is the most valuable player on his team. Take Kobe from the Lakers and you have MAYBE a 40 win team, and that is being generous when you think about how lights-out the Western Conference has been in 2008. He had the best season on (Arguably) the second best team in the NBA behind the Celtics and MAYBE the Pistons who have quietly put together a good year once again. Past indiscretions aside, the man has been the best player in the NBA for years and this year was no different. Quit hating, he and I have both hit the pinnacle: butt sex with a White woman. ZING! I kid, I kid. Not giving Kobe the MVP this year is a major injustice. Watch it go to fucking Nash. Canadian hippie fuck.
Random Thought #2: The Shocker Is No Longer Shocking.
Zach mentioned this to me the other day and I TOTALLY AGREE on this one, home skillet. The shocker itself is a stupid idea anyway because my experience with butt play has not been good and I would only wish it on my worst enemy. Even then, I would feel a LITTLE bad about it. “Two in the pink and one in the stink” may be the stupidest fucking phrase since “who let the dogs out” and that was DUMB AS HELL. The concept that a pinkies worth of insertion into an anus is that “badass” or even “taboo” is ridiculous. It is more of an annoyance than anything else IMHO and as people we really need to let this go. Especially bros who think that this is something that should be yelled at all times like it’s a Nelly song (More on that fucker later) in 2002. If you like the shocker as a dude you are gay. Period. If you are a woman and you like the shocker then congratulations: you are faking the funk as a whore. Pornstars take WAY more than a pinkie up their assholes and they get paid a lot more for it than you do. Much like the donkey punch and the dirty sanchez, let the damn shocker go.
Random Thought #3: Rap Is The New Disco.
Okay, Black men. If you listen to any rap not by Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, Outkast, Kanye West or Mos Def you are officially gay:
This is coming from a man that is excited to work about going to see “Avenue Q” this summer. Seriously, all the album covers have half-naked Black men looking longingly at you to buy their CD so they can buy some more jewelry and clothes. Let’s do the math:
· Oversized shirts look a lot like dresses
· Gaudy, obnoxious and tacky jewelry (Hoop earrings = diamond studs)
· A crew of no less than 5 other Black dudes in close proximity
· Refusing to wear shirts and/or pants
· Overblown and uber-flashy (Not to mention sexually ambiguous) dance moves (Soulja Boy and Fabo, I am looking right at you)
· Meticulously perfected hair
· Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! (I am a victim of this but I am not THAT BAD)
· More shoes than they know what to do with (ERR FERCE WONS!!!)
· Lame ass phrases (WE DA BEST! BOSS! I’M SO HOOD!
For those of you hip-hop heads that think rap doesn’t suck, you have to look at that and ask yourself just how “hood” are you with the fashion sense of a young Versace or Liberace? Hip hop is the gayest music out there and what even FUNNIER is how macho it claims to be. I remember when Beans (Beanie Sigel to the non-State Property fans, of which I used to be) made all those comments about “hipster rappers” like Kanye, Lupe Fiasco and Pharrell being gay? And yet as much as I dig his style sometimes, isn’t he the one rapping about his jewelry all the time? Just because you have guns doesn’t make you straight. Hell, I believe that owners of guns have a little bit of cock envy but that is just me. Oh, and going to jail doesn’t make you a man. It makes you LESS of a man because you are a blood clot on society and most importantly, we all know what they make you do in the big house: toss the salad:
Damn….I guess T.I. and Prodigy will be rapping about cheese in a different way when they get out. BURN! I kid, I kid. T.I. is awesome. Seriously though, you niggas gay.
That is all for now. One last thing though: Colorado Springs is a fucking whore. Mother nature pisses on this place like we are a 14 year old school girl to her R. Kelly. Why is it snowing in April? That is bullshit! Eh, it is what it is. I am out for now. I will try to be up tomorrow but if not, I will definitely be up on Friday and Sunday. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Random Thought #1: People Need To Stop With The Kobe Bryant Hatred.
Now as you all know, I have had a love hate relationship with Kobe. I have always felt that he is the best all-around player in the NBA and no one can debate that except for the fucktards that consider Steve Nash anything but an unkempt Canadian hippie. He is a better player than Dirk Nowistski (Although I am all about “Hard Work” Dirk) and as far as Tim Duncan goes, I believe that he is now to Tony Parker to what Shaq was to Kobe during the 3-peat: someone great but a lot better with someone to draw the double teams. Yet, Kobe Bryant has no MVP awards. NONE. The man has been the most DOMINANT player in the NBA for the last 4 seasons and all he has to show for it is looking at Dirk and Steve and their pasty white asses win MVP awards for being great with very good teams. Name someone else on the Lakers right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I didn’t think so. The Suns have Amare Stoudamire (OVERRATED) and the “Big Retard” Shaq while Dirk has had a stream of players come in and out of Dallas since Mark Cuban actually spends MONEY on people to put around his starts. Kobe has been EXCELLENT on a sub-par team and yet no one will give him his proper due as the Most Valuable Player award even though he is the most valuable player on his team. Take Kobe from the Lakers and you have MAYBE a 40 win team, and that is being generous when you think about how lights-out the Western Conference has been in 2008. He had the best season on (Arguably) the second best team in the NBA behind the Celtics and MAYBE the Pistons who have quietly put together a good year once again. Past indiscretions aside, the man has been the best player in the NBA for years and this year was no different. Quit hating, he and I have both hit the pinnacle: butt sex with a White woman. ZING! I kid, I kid. Not giving Kobe the MVP this year is a major injustice. Watch it go to fucking Nash. Canadian hippie fuck.
Random Thought #2: The Shocker Is No Longer Shocking.
Zach mentioned this to me the other day and I TOTALLY AGREE on this one, home skillet. The shocker itself is a stupid idea anyway because my experience with butt play has not been good and I would only wish it on my worst enemy. Even then, I would feel a LITTLE bad about it. “Two in the pink and one in the stink” may be the stupidest fucking phrase since “who let the dogs out” and that was DUMB AS HELL. The concept that a pinkies worth of insertion into an anus is that “badass” or even “taboo” is ridiculous. It is more of an annoyance than anything else IMHO and as people we really need to let this go. Especially bros who think that this is something that should be yelled at all times like it’s a Nelly song (More on that fucker later) in 2002. If you like the shocker as a dude you are gay. Period. If you are a woman and you like the shocker then congratulations: you are faking the funk as a whore. Pornstars take WAY more than a pinkie up their assholes and they get paid a lot more for it than you do. Much like the donkey punch and the dirty sanchez, let the damn shocker go.
Random Thought #3: Rap Is The New Disco.
Okay, Black men. If you listen to any rap not by Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, Outkast, Kanye West or Mos Def you are officially gay:
This is coming from a man that is excited to work about going to see “Avenue Q” this summer. Seriously, all the album covers have half-naked Black men looking longingly at you to buy their CD so they can buy some more jewelry and clothes. Let’s do the math:
· Oversized shirts look a lot like dresses
· Gaudy, obnoxious and tacky jewelry (Hoop earrings = diamond studs)
· A crew of no less than 5 other Black dudes in close proximity
· Refusing to wear shirts and/or pants
· Overblown and uber-flashy (Not to mention sexually ambiguous) dance moves (Soulja Boy and Fabo, I am looking right at you)
· Meticulously perfected hair
· Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! (I am a victim of this but I am not THAT BAD)
· More shoes than they know what to do with (ERR FERCE WONS!!!)
· Lame ass phrases (WE DA BEST! BOSS! I’M SO HOOD!
For those of you hip-hop heads that think rap doesn’t suck, you have to look at that and ask yourself just how “hood” are you with the fashion sense of a young Versace or Liberace? Hip hop is the gayest music out there and what even FUNNIER is how macho it claims to be. I remember when Beans (Beanie Sigel to the non-State Property fans, of which I used to be) made all those comments about “hipster rappers” like Kanye, Lupe Fiasco and Pharrell being gay? And yet as much as I dig his style sometimes, isn’t he the one rapping about his jewelry all the time? Just because you have guns doesn’t make you straight. Hell, I believe that owners of guns have a little bit of cock envy but that is just me. Oh, and going to jail doesn’t make you a man. It makes you LESS of a man because you are a blood clot on society and most importantly, we all know what they make you do in the big house: toss the salad:
Damn….I guess T.I. and Prodigy will be rapping about cheese in a different way when they get out. BURN! I kid, I kid. T.I. is awesome. Seriously though, you niggas gay.
That is all for now. One last thing though: Colorado Springs is a fucking whore. Mother nature pisses on this place like we are a 14 year old school girl to her R. Kelly. Why is it snowing in April? That is bullshit! Eh, it is what it is. I am out for now. I will try to be up tomorrow but if not, I will definitely be up on Friday and Sunday. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Last One, I Promise! Tomorrow's Post Will Be About Boobies!
Okay, so I am back on the scene with a cupful of lean. That is cough syrup for you know knowers. Big ups to Pimp-C. STOP LEANIN! So the search is going well as I have a booked week. Totally trying to avoid staying where I am at unless TOTALLY necessary because morale is low but that is everywhere except Diddy’s house. That place must be like Disneyland filled with fly honeys. That will be the last of that for a while. Updates will be given as needed.
So on Saturday (I think) I ranted about the signs of a bro. Well, on Sunday Joey Joe Joe and I went to Castle Rock (Where I bought a BALLIN ASS LEATHER JACKET for only $99. Pretty good price for fat mans’ sizes) and Dave & Buster’s (Or as Zach calls it “The Haven of Pinkeye”) and I swear to FUCKING GOD that about 70% of white males ages 16-34 are bros. Now that is skewed by the 20-28 age range but still: all white dudes have the same fucking haircut, the same fucking clothing and the same STUNTED ASS VOCABULARY! I fucking swear that people get dumber every year. We are three years away from regressing back to grunts and screams. I totally hate people right now.
There was a shocking trend that I saw at the Park Meadows Mall, too. Joe commented how all the females were there with bros which is normal because that’s what the norm is and women embrace the norm when it comes to dating men for the most part because that is what is acceptable. However, the awkward part is how all pissed the females looked as the bros spent all their time talking and flirting with…each other. Now as one who hates ALL PEOPLE I rarely care about your problems unless they overlap with mine as a friend. So unless your issue is caring about a woman too much or chronic masturbation we really can’t relate about much so odds are I am listening to you none and caring even less. So Griff, I don’t CARE if she doesn’t call so QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT IT….jackass.
So after noticing how bros are so detached from their girlfriends to the point that they complain and leave them (Which I have seen) and yet they go out and find….another bro. To which I believe that I have come across a scientific breakthrough. Since I stay droppin that knowledge on the peeps it is time for a double dip, mother-bitches! I am giving you TWO POSTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Yes, you know you love it. So now, for part one of two for the….second part of my initial post. Yeah, I am just as confused as you are. First, I give you….
Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!
Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Date Bros.
Okay, get the GameCube and the scotch! Wish me luck!
Reason #1: Women Date Bros Because….It Is A Safe Pick.
Now this is a double reason. I have proven in previous posts that women are the new bros for emotional reasons but one I missed was fashion. Bros all dress the same. They shop at the same stores and wear the same styles. Trucker hat, vintage tee, cargo shorts and sandals. That is it. Go to the mall right now and tell me how many you see. A LOT. The simple fact is that the style that they have is lazy and counter-fashion. Which makes it fashionable because people are stupid that way. Since they all look the same and the bro look is in like the Wii, a woman dating a bro doesn’t make her look petty for dating for money or looks because they all look the same. Also, since all bros have the same mind set (Which is beer, bitches and bros before hoes) she knows what she is dealing with and therefore ends up being smarter than her counterpart. Tying it all together, dating a bro for a woman is like drafting a good left tackle or a great pursuit linebacker. You know exactly what you are getting and no one will make any judgments about your pick because everyone needs a great offensive tackle or a versatile linebacker.
Final Analysis: Dating bros is safe socially because since they are all the same, you really never take a logical chance. If there is one thing women DON’T do, it is take logical chances.
Reason #2: Women Date Bros Because….They Make Them Feel Smart.
Now it was weird when I came to this realization for the main reason that most bros are college aged and usually college grads (Frat Squid Pro Bro!). However, have you ever had a conversation with a bro? They are reciters (Not a word, but still). They recite whatever their idols tell them. So when your idols are based off of:
• Dane Cook (HE ISNT FUCKING FUNNY. Let it go)
• Dave Matthews (And I don’t really know what he stands for. But I am sure it sucks)
• Bono (Which automatically makes you a fucktard because he is the biggest douche to walk the face of the earth not named Hitler or Jesus)
• Family Guy (It WAS funny. Like three seasons ago)
• Colin Farrell (Yeah, we are about done here. Fuck the Irish!)
You aren’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar. Hell, you aren’t even good enough to get into Pepperdine. Therefore, most bros aren’t exactly great conversation pieces because they recite what they hear because most of them don’t have the mental capacity to understand anything past five letter words. Now let us take women into this equation. In a rant I believe I said it best: if women were as smart as they think they are, why aren’t there more female rhetors or inventors? Not to say that there are NONE, but they are few and far between. I have learned in my days that most women are not really good conversation pieces unless it is what they want to talk about, what they know (or think they know) or about themselves. Bros have no idea what to talk about because they are stupid. They don’t know anything unless it is drilled into their head violently and ad nausem (hence the popularity of Dane Cook. See, he serves a purpose! He teaches the stupid!) which women do CONSTANTLY no matter how wrong they are because that is how they argue. Lastly, bros will say whatever is necessary to get a woman into bed not because they are smart enough to know that but because they AREN’T smart enough to say something that makes sense to a woman when she tells him about her tattoos or her views on her sexuality (Like….the fucking truth). Add all of that up and you have a being that isn’t a threat to their perceived dominance over a relationship. When a woman doesn’t have to have conversation with someone that has any relevance whatsoever and can instead play to her strengths, they feel more comfortable. Quite simply, it’s like why pretty girls have ugly friends: it makes them look better.
Final Analysis: The more women feel like they are the smarter party, the better they feel about themselves. It’s the “Tallest Smurf” Theory: Even though you are the tallest Smurf, you are still a fucking Smurf. Even still, bros aren’t a bright bunch and women like to feel smart.
Reason #3: Women Date Bros Because….Bros Before Hoes!
Now this became the most counter-intuitive reason to date someone after I had a female friend explain this to me last year. You see, no matter WHAT a woman says, they have to be the center of attention. They are bred since birth to either sit back and be docile (which is bad) or always be at the forefront because you are woman and we should hear them roar (also bad). So in a relationship women need to be the focal point of the dynamic because SHE has the vagina and YOU are dating HER, not the other way around. From Valentine’s Day to lying about the fact she isn’t dressed like a whore (Old wounds, I know), the world is supposed to be about her. You know what? That is okay. Nothing wrong with wanting attention. However, my female friend explained to me that her brofriend (Heh, I am surprised I never used that before) spent the majority of his time with his friends. Now THIS is something that confused the hell out of me until I began to people watch more often. I would often see a bro with his friends (Because bros need the support of their homies because they are the new chick) while his girlfriend was walking a few feet behind them, totally detached from the conversation. Now I was told by another female friend in college that her boyfriend hanging with his bros left time for her to hang with her “girls” but in the SAME sentence she would complain about how he never spent any time with her and never listened because he was never around. Now as messed up as it sounds, it actually makes perfect sense. This not only gives them the ability to have drama to talk about when she goes out with her friends (Drama is like energon to females) but it gives her the ability to have drama with HIM about his actions. It is what we in the business call a “win-win”
Final Analysis: Since bros are just as self-absorbed as women are, they make for perfect catalysts for their own self-serving needs to be drama queens. Sometimes, being selfish is being self-less! Just like Jesus, minus the self-righteous rhetoric. And he had sandals!
Reason #4: Women Date Bros Because….They Are Fashion Misfits!
Now I am no fashion guru but hear me out on this one. We all know that women have the poorest fashion sense on the face of the fucking planet. Think I am wrong? Explain Grace Jones and Bjork. Go ahead, I’ll wait. See? You got nothing. You ever noticed how the women’s clothing and shoe section is about four to five times the size of the men’s section? Yet, have you noticed how often you see women dressed in the EXACT SAME shoes or outfit? In Denver, I see it quite often. Women’s fashion is based around either how much they can show off or how much they can alter their bodies to fit the generic vision of beauty. Which means that no matter how “different” their style CLAIMS to be, they still look just like the next girl. Which is why a woman’s’ wardrobe will consist of either shit that is too tight for them or shit that is just a little too tight for them. It’s about feigned individuality that is based in conformity. Since women embrace that, they embrace those that follow that.
Let’s go back to bros. I stated before that all bro fashion consists of the same stuff, no matter who they are:
• Cargo shorts/Cargo pants: I have said it once and I will say it again: unless you are on a fucking safari, cargo pants are gay. PERIOD.
• Sandals: They are gay. I mean they serve their purpose on the beach but you live in Colo-fucking-rado. Wear some fucking shoes.
• Trucker hats: You know, a co-worker of mine used to be a trucker and has a brother who is a trucker. Even THEY didn’t wear trucker hats. They aren’t trucker hats, they are dumb fucker hats. Man, I am surprised I never used that before.
• Vintage tees: And by vintage I mean from the 1980’s. Or shirts with Che Guerra on them which just reeks of social activism they know nothing the fuck about. What is with the Castro style shirts? Isn’t supporting a dictator….un-American? No Bush jokes because I don’t give a fuck about his sorry ass.
• Lifeguard shirts/hoodies: Okay, new rule. Unless you are a lifeguard…no wearing lifeguard paraphernalia. You are officially wearing a lifeguard uniform. If you are a lifeguard, more power to you. If not, from now on if you are dressed a certain way, you ARE a certain way. No questions asked
In other words, bro fashion is hella tacky. It is hippie-chic (Patent Pending, fuckers) and since hippies suck, those that copy hippies REALLY SUCK. Bros dress horrible but since people are stupid it is seen as fashionable. Add that with the fact that women’s fashion has gone downhill fast since gay men no longer design the clothes for them and you see why women date bros: they totally outshine them in the fashion department. You have observed them in public. When comparing the two, a woman easily looks better than her significant other in the fashion department because bro fashion is HORRIBLE while women’s fashion is just tacky. Tacky can be fixed with a actually matching color scheme and getting a size that fits (Wow…just like niggas. They need their clothes tighter, women need their clothes bigger. I am a genius!). Bros are easy to buy for because all you have to do is get them some Crocs and they are happy.
Final Analysis: Bros aren’t going to outshine their women, and as we all know, women have to be the Shawn Michaels to their boyfriends’ Marty Janetty. Yes, I just made a wrestling reference in context. I am on a ROLL, BABY!
Reason #5: Women Date Bros Because….It Is The Norm, For Better Or For Worse.
Now this took a lot of people watching and a LOT of uncomfortable question asking which actually gave me a better understanding of this and this leads into my next rant (Up hopefully tomorrow depending on how everything goes). I am not a professional by any means but in my experience and research, I have learned that there is a large community of women that do not thrive with the unfamiliar. I have seen time and time again women date the same kind of men and expect something different but at the end of the day after talking to them about it…they don’t expect or WANT something different. If your life has always been filled with drama, you expect it and if you don’t get it you either create it or seek it elsewhere. You can be rest assured that by nature bros are down for drama. Whether it is getting drunk and starting fights (Usually about them NOT being gay but FLAMING GAY) or neglecting her by broing out with the bros, they feed the need for some (Read: SOME) women and their need for drama. Even if the experience is bad, if there is familiarity with dating or showing interest in a certain kind of person one will migrate to that whether healthy or not. With that familiarity comes the acceptance of that behavior and even the treatment, whether it be good or bad. Since whenever I see white people whether it be on TV or in real life all males are bros (Sans Black dudes….which is another rant altogether) if a woman deviates from the norm that is set it causes to question their actions and take notice….and not on her terms. Which is a no-no.
Final Analysis: Women like consistency. Bros are as consistent as they come, if not unoriginal. Gotta stick with what you know.
Well, that is all for this post. Part two will be up MAYBE tomorrow. I am horrible at this schedule thing but I will try my best to keep to it. This blog will be the last about bros for a while, as I have given them way too much time these last few days. I will be back soon. Until then, stay up and read the archives. There are some gems in there.
Chachi Out
So on Saturday (I think) I ranted about the signs of a bro. Well, on Sunday Joey Joe Joe and I went to Castle Rock (Where I bought a BALLIN ASS LEATHER JACKET for only $99. Pretty good price for fat mans’ sizes) and Dave & Buster’s (Or as Zach calls it “The Haven of Pinkeye”) and I swear to FUCKING GOD that about 70% of white males ages 16-34 are bros. Now that is skewed by the 20-28 age range but still: all white dudes have the same fucking haircut, the same fucking clothing and the same STUNTED ASS VOCABULARY! I fucking swear that people get dumber every year. We are three years away from regressing back to grunts and screams. I totally hate people right now.
There was a shocking trend that I saw at the Park Meadows Mall, too. Joe commented how all the females were there with bros which is normal because that’s what the norm is and women embrace the norm when it comes to dating men for the most part because that is what is acceptable. However, the awkward part is how all pissed the females looked as the bros spent all their time talking and flirting with…each other. Now as one who hates ALL PEOPLE I rarely care about your problems unless they overlap with mine as a friend. So unless your issue is caring about a woman too much or chronic masturbation we really can’t relate about much so odds are I am listening to you none and caring even less. So Griff, I don’t CARE if she doesn’t call so QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT IT….jackass.
So after noticing how bros are so detached from their girlfriends to the point that they complain and leave them (Which I have seen) and yet they go out and find….another bro. To which I believe that I have come across a scientific breakthrough. Since I stay droppin that knowledge on the peeps it is time for a double dip, mother-bitches! I am giving you TWO POSTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Yes, you know you love it. So now, for part one of two for the….second part of my initial post. Yeah, I am just as confused as you are. First, I give you….
Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!
Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Date Bros.
Okay, get the GameCube and the scotch! Wish me luck!
Reason #1: Women Date Bros Because….It Is A Safe Pick.
Now this is a double reason. I have proven in previous posts that women are the new bros for emotional reasons but one I missed was fashion. Bros all dress the same. They shop at the same stores and wear the same styles. Trucker hat, vintage tee, cargo shorts and sandals. That is it. Go to the mall right now and tell me how many you see. A LOT. The simple fact is that the style that they have is lazy and counter-fashion. Which makes it fashionable because people are stupid that way. Since they all look the same and the bro look is in like the Wii, a woman dating a bro doesn’t make her look petty for dating for money or looks because they all look the same. Also, since all bros have the same mind set (Which is beer, bitches and bros before hoes) she knows what she is dealing with and therefore ends up being smarter than her counterpart. Tying it all together, dating a bro for a woman is like drafting a good left tackle or a great pursuit linebacker. You know exactly what you are getting and no one will make any judgments about your pick because everyone needs a great offensive tackle or a versatile linebacker.
Final Analysis: Dating bros is safe socially because since they are all the same, you really never take a logical chance. If there is one thing women DON’T do, it is take logical chances.
Reason #2: Women Date Bros Because….They Make Them Feel Smart.
Now it was weird when I came to this realization for the main reason that most bros are college aged and usually college grads (Frat Squid Pro Bro!). However, have you ever had a conversation with a bro? They are reciters (Not a word, but still). They recite whatever their idols tell them. So when your idols are based off of:
• Dane Cook (HE ISNT FUCKING FUNNY. Let it go)
• Dave Matthews (And I don’t really know what he stands for. But I am sure it sucks)
• Bono (Which automatically makes you a fucktard because he is the biggest douche to walk the face of the earth not named Hitler or Jesus)
• Family Guy (It WAS funny. Like three seasons ago)
• Colin Farrell (Yeah, we are about done here. Fuck the Irish!)
You aren’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar. Hell, you aren’t even good enough to get into Pepperdine. Therefore, most bros aren’t exactly great conversation pieces because they recite what they hear because most of them don’t have the mental capacity to understand anything past five letter words. Now let us take women into this equation. In a rant I believe I said it best: if women were as smart as they think they are, why aren’t there more female rhetors or inventors? Not to say that there are NONE, but they are few and far between. I have learned in my days that most women are not really good conversation pieces unless it is what they want to talk about, what they know (or think they know) or about themselves. Bros have no idea what to talk about because they are stupid. They don’t know anything unless it is drilled into their head violently and ad nausem (hence the popularity of Dane Cook. See, he serves a purpose! He teaches the stupid!) which women do CONSTANTLY no matter how wrong they are because that is how they argue. Lastly, bros will say whatever is necessary to get a woman into bed not because they are smart enough to know that but because they AREN’T smart enough to say something that makes sense to a woman when she tells him about her tattoos or her views on her sexuality (Like….the fucking truth). Add all of that up and you have a being that isn’t a threat to their perceived dominance over a relationship. When a woman doesn’t have to have conversation with someone that has any relevance whatsoever and can instead play to her strengths, they feel more comfortable. Quite simply, it’s like why pretty girls have ugly friends: it makes them look better.
Final Analysis: The more women feel like they are the smarter party, the better they feel about themselves. It’s the “Tallest Smurf” Theory: Even though you are the tallest Smurf, you are still a fucking Smurf. Even still, bros aren’t a bright bunch and women like to feel smart.
Reason #3: Women Date Bros Because….Bros Before Hoes!
Now this became the most counter-intuitive reason to date someone after I had a female friend explain this to me last year. You see, no matter WHAT a woman says, they have to be the center of attention. They are bred since birth to either sit back and be docile (which is bad) or always be at the forefront because you are woman and we should hear them roar (also bad). So in a relationship women need to be the focal point of the dynamic because SHE has the vagina and YOU are dating HER, not the other way around. From Valentine’s Day to lying about the fact she isn’t dressed like a whore (Old wounds, I know), the world is supposed to be about her. You know what? That is okay. Nothing wrong with wanting attention. However, my female friend explained to me that her brofriend (Heh, I am surprised I never used that before) spent the majority of his time with his friends. Now THIS is something that confused the hell out of me until I began to people watch more often. I would often see a bro with his friends (Because bros need the support of their homies because they are the new chick) while his girlfriend was walking a few feet behind them, totally detached from the conversation. Now I was told by another female friend in college that her boyfriend hanging with his bros left time for her to hang with her “girls” but in the SAME sentence she would complain about how he never spent any time with her and never listened because he was never around. Now as messed up as it sounds, it actually makes perfect sense. This not only gives them the ability to have drama to talk about when she goes out with her friends (Drama is like energon to females) but it gives her the ability to have drama with HIM about his actions. It is what we in the business call a “win-win”
Final Analysis: Since bros are just as self-absorbed as women are, they make for perfect catalysts for their own self-serving needs to be drama queens. Sometimes, being selfish is being self-less! Just like Jesus, minus the self-righteous rhetoric. And he had sandals!
Reason #4: Women Date Bros Because….They Are Fashion Misfits!
Now I am no fashion guru but hear me out on this one. We all know that women have the poorest fashion sense on the face of the fucking planet. Think I am wrong? Explain Grace Jones and Bjork. Go ahead, I’ll wait. See? You got nothing. You ever noticed how the women’s clothing and shoe section is about four to five times the size of the men’s section? Yet, have you noticed how often you see women dressed in the EXACT SAME shoes or outfit? In Denver, I see it quite often. Women’s fashion is based around either how much they can show off or how much they can alter their bodies to fit the generic vision of beauty. Which means that no matter how “different” their style CLAIMS to be, they still look just like the next girl. Which is why a woman’s’ wardrobe will consist of either shit that is too tight for them or shit that is just a little too tight for them. It’s about feigned individuality that is based in conformity. Since women embrace that, they embrace those that follow that.
Let’s go back to bros. I stated before that all bro fashion consists of the same stuff, no matter who they are:
• Cargo shorts/Cargo pants: I have said it once and I will say it again: unless you are on a fucking safari, cargo pants are gay. PERIOD.
• Sandals: They are gay. I mean they serve their purpose on the beach but you live in Colo-fucking-rado. Wear some fucking shoes.
• Trucker hats: You know, a co-worker of mine used to be a trucker and has a brother who is a trucker. Even THEY didn’t wear trucker hats. They aren’t trucker hats, they are dumb fucker hats. Man, I am surprised I never used that before.
• Vintage tees: And by vintage I mean from the 1980’s. Or shirts with Che Guerra on them which just reeks of social activism they know nothing the fuck about. What is with the Castro style shirts? Isn’t supporting a dictator….un-American? No Bush jokes because I don’t give a fuck about his sorry ass.
• Lifeguard shirts/hoodies: Okay, new rule. Unless you are a lifeguard…no wearing lifeguard paraphernalia. You are officially wearing a lifeguard uniform. If you are a lifeguard, more power to you. If not, from now on if you are dressed a certain way, you ARE a certain way. No questions asked
In other words, bro fashion is hella tacky. It is hippie-chic (Patent Pending, fuckers) and since hippies suck, those that copy hippies REALLY SUCK. Bros dress horrible but since people are stupid it is seen as fashionable. Add that with the fact that women’s fashion has gone downhill fast since gay men no longer design the clothes for them and you see why women date bros: they totally outshine them in the fashion department. You have observed them in public. When comparing the two, a woman easily looks better than her significant other in the fashion department because bro fashion is HORRIBLE while women’s fashion is just tacky. Tacky can be fixed with a actually matching color scheme and getting a size that fits (Wow…just like niggas. They need their clothes tighter, women need their clothes bigger. I am a genius!). Bros are easy to buy for because all you have to do is get them some Crocs and they are happy.
Final Analysis: Bros aren’t going to outshine their women, and as we all know, women have to be the Shawn Michaels to their boyfriends’ Marty Janetty. Yes, I just made a wrestling reference in context. I am on a ROLL, BABY!
Reason #5: Women Date Bros Because….It Is The Norm, For Better Or For Worse.
Now this took a lot of people watching and a LOT of uncomfortable question asking which actually gave me a better understanding of this and this leads into my next rant (Up hopefully tomorrow depending on how everything goes). I am not a professional by any means but in my experience and research, I have learned that there is a large community of women that do not thrive with the unfamiliar. I have seen time and time again women date the same kind of men and expect something different but at the end of the day after talking to them about it…they don’t expect or WANT something different. If your life has always been filled with drama, you expect it and if you don’t get it you either create it or seek it elsewhere. You can be rest assured that by nature bros are down for drama. Whether it is getting drunk and starting fights (Usually about them NOT being gay but FLAMING GAY) or neglecting her by broing out with the bros, they feed the need for some (Read: SOME) women and their need for drama. Even if the experience is bad, if there is familiarity with dating or showing interest in a certain kind of person one will migrate to that whether healthy or not. With that familiarity comes the acceptance of that behavior and even the treatment, whether it be good or bad. Since whenever I see white people whether it be on TV or in real life all males are bros (Sans Black dudes….which is another rant altogether) if a woman deviates from the norm that is set it causes to question their actions and take notice….and not on her terms. Which is a no-no.
Final Analysis: Women like consistency. Bros are as consistent as they come, if not unoriginal. Gotta stick with what you know.
Well, that is all for this post. Part two will be up MAYBE tomorrow. I am horrible at this schedule thing but I will try my best to keep to it. This blog will be the last about bros for a while, as I have given them way too much time these last few days. I will be back soon. Until then, stay up and read the archives. There are some gems in there.
Chachi Out
Some New Information Has Come To Light, Man!
Okay, the blog is about a day late. Went to D&B's and had a shitload of emotional unloading that I cant do with other friends. YES, I have friends! A friend....more like a parole officer but we talk everyday! I have started it and the blog will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, so quit yer bitchin!
Besides, I have the most awesome ringtone ever: "CHU-BURA" by Kelun. The song wont be on Bleach until (Supposedly) episode 168 which pisses me of to no fucking end but hey, now when you call me (Unless you are Griff or Zach who have DJ Quik and Ling Ling's Fight Song respectivly) I will hear this:
So if it takes a while to answer, you know why. I'm J-rocking out.
Peace out.
Besides, I have the most awesome ringtone ever: "CHU-BURA" by Kelun. The song wont be on Bleach until (Supposedly) episode 168 which pisses me of to no fucking end but hey, now when you call me (Unless you are Griff or Zach who have DJ Quik and Ling Ling's Fight Song respectivly) I will hear this:
So if it takes a while to answer, you know why. I'm J-rocking out.
Peace out.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
.....And It Was Written That The Bro Would Inherit The Earth.
What is up, peeps! This is an early morning update as I have just come to a realization that there is no way in hell that I can get a woman the way I am so I am just going to keep it real. The next woman to hate on the Poke Rap is getting punched in the fucking babymaker. The Pokerap is the ballinest rap since the “Kat Strut” by MC Skat Kat:
We can boogie….ON DOWN! So I went to the mall to pick up a birthday present and I was disgusted by the amount of bros there. It was just scary because they ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME. White people are fucking idiots. You heard me. Niggas AT LEAST look different….albeit stupid and gaudy as fuck. It is one thing to look like a tool but it a whole other level of douchery to look like the tool standing next to you. I mean since when was disheveled hair, cargo shorts (tres gay!), an Abercrombie and Fitch tee shirt and a fucking trucker hat fashion? Or the beanie that is also a fucking hat. I HATE THAT SHIT! Even niggas gave that shit up because they thought it was tacky. If niggas think something is tacky then you KNOW it is a fashion faux pas because if there is one thing niggas love, it is the ugliest shit on the rack. That isn’t fashion! Versace would be rolling his flaming gay ass over in his grave if he saw that shit!
Now I am sure a lot of you are still unsure on 1) why I despise bros and 2) what exactly a bro is. Well here are a few signs that you may be a bro. I do this because a female friend said she was branching out her horizons by dating outside of her comfort zone of bros (which she had never heard of. WHAT THE FUCK, BELLANIE?!) and she told me about him and….he was a fucking bro. So to help out, here are some signs that either you are or you are dating a bro if you don’t know. And if so, you should shoot yourself in the face. Right now.
1. Your Name Sounds Like A Reject From “The Dukes of Hazard”: This goes for assholes named Luke, Beau (Bo if you REALLY want to scream “inbred bumpkin), Chase, Bryce (Or Brice), Evan (What the fuck is that shit?! Gayest name EVER!), Lance (Situational), Keith, Derrick, or any combinations of initials. EVER. Oh, and Trevor is making its way up the bro ranks as well.
2. You Own A Pair Of Sandals: Unless you are a Muslim or Jesus…who is FUCKING DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK (Or existed. I SO WENT THERE, CHRISTIANS. BRING IT)….you should not have sandals. Feet are fucking nasty, especially when you have been playing Frisbee Golf all day. Sandals are gay, and as was Jesus if he was real. Muslims are just hot as fuck and need the air on their feet. Speaking of Frisbee Golf…
3. You Play Frisbee Golf: Way to make a gay ass sport even gayer. The only way I thought golf could be any gayer is if they performed reach-rounds for every hole-in-one (Wow…unintended double endure) but here I stand…corrected. Frisbee just screams lame AND gay. The name even sounds like a dance gay men do to a Cher or Gloria Gaynor song. And I have seen gays dance and it would be infinitly cooler than that shitty ass…game? What in the hell is Frisbee Golf, anyway? FUCK!
4. You Own A Pair Of Cargo Shorts: Unless you are on safari, if you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking bro and you fucking suck. No, hunting for bros DOESN’T COUNT.
5. You Listen To Any Band Of Dudes Playing Acoustic Guitar: Now this was hard for me because I like John Mayer. But let’s face it: if you listen to DMB or Jack Johnson you are too bro to function. Here is a newsflash: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND HAD ONE GOOD SONG! It was “Ants Marching” and the rest can fucking go to hell. Jack Johnson never had a good song. That one from “Curious George” had its moments, though.
6. You Drink A LOT Of Beer. CHEAP BEER: Okay, now beer isn’t exactly top dollar drinking (It all tastes like reticulated monkey ass. Don’t ask how I know) but if you are going to put that nastiness in your system at LEAST get something better than Coors Light or Nati Ice. Yes, I laughed my ASS OFF at that joke in “Bro Rape” because at my first kegger in Aurora they had Coors Light, Bud Light and Natural Ice. I hated the first to so I tried the Nati and didn’t drink beer again until I had a Blue Moon while I was working at The Q. Cheap beer makes it so you don’t feel bad about wasting money on something to play ping-pong with.
7. You Use Axe Body Spray Like It’s The Antidote For Douchery: You all know how I feel about Axe Body spray. It is NOT an alternative to cologne (No matter how “pretentious” bitches think cologne is. It isn’t FOR you so shut the fuck up) or bathing. I mean I really don’t care about the bros when it comes to Axe. I just wonder how women can put up with this ridiculousness:
If they made a scent for women that smelled like chicken or Hennessey and marketed it with a whole bunch of Black men running around out of control like monkeys I would be pissed off and I wouldn’t stand for it. Yet, women stand for this shit. It’s why you never get any damn where. This isn’t “The Accused” so aint nobody holding you down but you.
But I digress as that last comment was besides the point. I wouldn’t have a problem with bros if they weren’t used as the benchmark for what is fashionable and the norm among males 25-34. Surprisingly, the 16-24 demographic falls under that umbrella too because at the mall it looked like bro rape is starting earlier and earlier (as evident by the two dudes wrestling and playfully blowing each other’s hair at the Dairy Queen. I don’t need no bro four play with my fucking Blizzard. Thanks) as all young white men look the exact same. Much like young women did about four years ago. Although that really hasn’t changed as they pretty much look like their older counterpart except (Hopefully) less used up mentally and emotionally. However, if television is any indicator they are even more fucked up now at a younger age which makes me scared for the future.
So this is part one of a two part post as the second part will either be late Saturday night or on Sunday. Either way, there WILL be a sequel. Hell, it may be tonight because I feel like SHIT right now so I ain’t going to Denver after all. If I die, be sure to bury with my stuff because you KNOW IT’S MINE! Until next rant, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
We can boogie….ON DOWN! So I went to the mall to pick up a birthday present and I was disgusted by the amount of bros there. It was just scary because they ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME. White people are fucking idiots. You heard me. Niggas AT LEAST look different….albeit stupid and gaudy as fuck. It is one thing to look like a tool but it a whole other level of douchery to look like the tool standing next to you. I mean since when was disheveled hair, cargo shorts (tres gay!), an Abercrombie and Fitch tee shirt and a fucking trucker hat fashion? Or the beanie that is also a fucking hat. I HATE THAT SHIT! Even niggas gave that shit up because they thought it was tacky. If niggas think something is tacky then you KNOW it is a fashion faux pas because if there is one thing niggas love, it is the ugliest shit on the rack. That isn’t fashion! Versace would be rolling his flaming gay ass over in his grave if he saw that shit!
Now I am sure a lot of you are still unsure on 1) why I despise bros and 2) what exactly a bro is. Well here are a few signs that you may be a bro. I do this because a female friend said she was branching out her horizons by dating outside of her comfort zone of bros (which she had never heard of. WHAT THE FUCK, BELLANIE?!) and she told me about him and….he was a fucking bro. So to help out, here are some signs that either you are or you are dating a bro if you don’t know. And if so, you should shoot yourself in the face. Right now.
1. Your Name Sounds Like A Reject From “The Dukes of Hazard”: This goes for assholes named Luke, Beau (Bo if you REALLY want to scream “inbred bumpkin), Chase, Bryce (Or Brice), Evan (What the fuck is that shit?! Gayest name EVER!), Lance (Situational), Keith, Derrick, or any combinations of initials. EVER. Oh, and Trevor is making its way up the bro ranks as well.
2. You Own A Pair Of Sandals: Unless you are a Muslim or Jesus…who is FUCKING DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK (Or existed. I SO WENT THERE, CHRISTIANS. BRING IT)….you should not have sandals. Feet are fucking nasty, especially when you have been playing Frisbee Golf all day. Sandals are gay, and as was Jesus if he was real. Muslims are just hot as fuck and need the air on their feet. Speaking of Frisbee Golf…
3. You Play Frisbee Golf: Way to make a gay ass sport even gayer. The only way I thought golf could be any gayer is if they performed reach-rounds for every hole-in-one (Wow…unintended double endure) but here I stand…corrected. Frisbee just screams lame AND gay. The name even sounds like a dance gay men do to a Cher or Gloria Gaynor song. And I have seen gays dance and it would be infinitly cooler than that shitty ass…game? What in the hell is Frisbee Golf, anyway? FUCK!
4. You Own A Pair Of Cargo Shorts: Unless you are on safari, if you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking bro and you fucking suck. No, hunting for bros DOESN’T COUNT.
5. You Listen To Any Band Of Dudes Playing Acoustic Guitar: Now this was hard for me because I like John Mayer. But let’s face it: if you listen to DMB or Jack Johnson you are too bro to function. Here is a newsflash: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND HAD ONE GOOD SONG! It was “Ants Marching” and the rest can fucking go to hell. Jack Johnson never had a good song. That one from “Curious George” had its moments, though.
6. You Drink A LOT Of Beer. CHEAP BEER: Okay, now beer isn’t exactly top dollar drinking (It all tastes like reticulated monkey ass. Don’t ask how I know) but if you are going to put that nastiness in your system at LEAST get something better than Coors Light or Nati Ice. Yes, I laughed my ASS OFF at that joke in “Bro Rape” because at my first kegger in Aurora they had Coors Light, Bud Light and Natural Ice. I hated the first to so I tried the Nati and didn’t drink beer again until I had a Blue Moon while I was working at The Q. Cheap beer makes it so you don’t feel bad about wasting money on something to play ping-pong with.
7. You Use Axe Body Spray Like It’s The Antidote For Douchery: You all know how I feel about Axe Body spray. It is NOT an alternative to cologne (No matter how “pretentious” bitches think cologne is. It isn’t FOR you so shut the fuck up) or bathing. I mean I really don’t care about the bros when it comes to Axe. I just wonder how women can put up with this ridiculousness:
If they made a scent for women that smelled like chicken or Hennessey and marketed it with a whole bunch of Black men running around out of control like monkeys I would be pissed off and I wouldn’t stand for it. Yet, women stand for this shit. It’s why you never get any damn where. This isn’t “The Accused” so aint nobody holding you down but you.
But I digress as that last comment was besides the point. I wouldn’t have a problem with bros if they weren’t used as the benchmark for what is fashionable and the norm among males 25-34. Surprisingly, the 16-24 demographic falls under that umbrella too because at the mall it looked like bro rape is starting earlier and earlier (as evident by the two dudes wrestling and playfully blowing each other’s hair at the Dairy Queen. I don’t need no bro four play with my fucking Blizzard. Thanks) as all young white men look the exact same. Much like young women did about four years ago. Although that really hasn’t changed as they pretty much look like their older counterpart except (Hopefully) less used up mentally and emotionally. However, if television is any indicator they are even more fucked up now at a younger age which makes me scared for the future.
So this is part one of a two part post as the second part will either be late Saturday night or on Sunday. Either way, there WILL be a sequel. Hell, it may be tonight because I feel like SHIT right now so I ain’t going to Denver after all. If I die, be sure to bury with my stuff because you KNOW IT’S MINE! Until next rant, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Friday, April 11, 2008
Nothing Special This Week....Yeah Right. USHER IS BACK!
What is up people?! I am back and it is Friday so you know what that means! It is time for the staple that brings you here every payday…or every OTHER payday as well.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We have a huge week as we have three debut videos and a battle at the top of Countdown heavyweights! We begin this week with a rather shocking debut for some people who frequent here and think that this isn’t my cup of tea…
20. Colbie Caillat – Realize (New Entry)
Okay….I have to confess something. I love this song. I mean I listen to it all the time when I am driving especially at night. I just say there was a video for it so you best believe it got on here. I like this song a helluva lot more than that first one of hers. Ugh…
19. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #15)
NEW UVERWORLD! They have the new opening to “D-Gray Man” which I still have to get back to watching because I am well far behind. Too bad this video failed to even crack the Top 5 as it’s the first UVERworld video not to do that ever. Shocking!
18. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (New Entry)
A J-urban classic is making his debut! Anyone that knows anything about me knows how much I love “La La Love Song” even though it had Naomi Campbell in it. Then BoA remade it with SOUL’D OUT and it was all over after that. After a song with Kreva last year he returns with Misia (Who has a kickass voice) with this one. It is good stuff!
17. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #12, Plunge of the Week)
John Legend falls a HUGE five spots this week and looks on the verge of falling off the Countdown! He had a good run but was unable to unseat CRS from the top (which many didn’t do so he can’t feel that bad) and has fallen ever since. GIVE ME A NEW ALBUM NOW!
16. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #13)
Right above Mr. Legend is Miss Furtado as she continues to fall this week as well. The two staples of this Countdown are falling off with no new albums in over two years and we are all kind of twiddling our thumbs…waiting. Not cool.
15. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #18)
So The Boyz move up a few spots this week as they look to recapture the Top 10 success of “I USED TO LOVE HER” from 2006. They have some more (Albeit lackluster) help from superstars but let’s see if that will help. Now….the news of the week.
14. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (New Entry)
THE PUPPY CAN LIVE! One of them. One third of the Holy Trinity of Dance (Bi, Usher and Se7en) has returned in a big way! Usher is motherfucking back! He has the highest debut on the Countdown EVER with his first video since 2005 (I believe) and it is actually very damn good. I like the remix with T.I. a little better but now I am nitpicking. USHER IS BACK, BITCHES!
13. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #17)
After that return, everything else is a little of a letdown but Kanye moves up four spots this week as he attempts to get his third number one video.
12. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #10, Four Weeks at #1)
Kanye’s second video (As well as Lupe’s and Pharrell’s) on the Countdown is falling right out of the Top 10! It has been a big year for Lupe and Kanye. Look out for NERD, they have an album out coming soon, too!
11. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
After a slow climb, Hearts Grow is making a fast descent out of the Top 10. It has been a long wait for any new album news and needless to say I am getting bothered. Am I missing something here? Same with Hinoi Team. GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW!
10. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #14)
Lupe moves a big four spots this week to get his second Top 10 of this year! This video is actually in rotation on MTV Jams (I have it on as background music as I work) which is good because it is one of the few videos that is actually a damn story and has to do with the song. I’m a stickler for shit making sense. Sue me.
9. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #6)
RBD falls another three spots this week as they failed to take number one yet again. Not a good track record for them, especially with a year between videos. Oh, and their tour never FUCKING COMES TO DENVER! With as many Mexicans as there are up there? Come on!
8. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #9)
The Roots move up one spot this week as they have TWO new videos coming out. One is a European release (Birthday Girl) and the other is the official first single from their new album out April 29th. Go get it!
7. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)
The biggest mover this week comes from one of the best J-Rock bands ever! The Arc moves into the Top 10 for the third time and looks for their second number one. I also have to say that Hyde’s hair looks impeccable in this video. I am just saying.
6. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
Where in the hell is the Mihimaru GT album?! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! Their new video is starting to grow on me so you may see it on here. Still pissed off about no album though.
5. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #7)
Yui has two videos in the Top Five! Only UVERworld and Foxxi MisQ have pulled that off and now she is part of that bunch! Can she fair better than those two artists? Both times, neither video could take down the reigning champ!
4. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
Miss Badu seems to have stalled this week as she stands pat at number four. Nothing new coming from her so far and I still need to cop that album from my local recordatorium. We are down to three!!
3. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #5)
Foxxi MisQ has cracked the Top 3 for the third time! Can they finally take the top spot? As of right now, they have the most videos to chart with no number one video to their name but…this video is hot. So this may be enough to push them over the top!
2. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)
Yui holds on to dear life to the number two spot this week after a hard push from Foxxi MisQ! With two videos available to take down the current champ can Yui take down the reigning queens? Not this week…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Six Weeks at #1)
….because Bennie K is a week away from history! They have held down the top spot for six weeks which is the longest since NaNa was on top for six weeks from last year to the beginning of 2008. That means she is one week away from tying the official record of seven weeks by UGK and Outkast in summer of 2007. Keep in mind, that wasn’t consecutive weeks! Bennie K has dominated for a month and a half with NO BREAK! Congrats!
That is all for this week! Next week, you could be a part of history! Can Bennie K hold on for a record tying SEVENTH WEEK? Or will Yui get her record tying THIRD number one video? Or will Foxxi MisQ break their streak of most Top Three videos without a number one by taking the top spot? Look out; we have new videos from Usher, The Arc and Lupe that are moving up fast! Stay tuned and meet me here next Friday!
I think I am going to Denver tonight after work. SLUMBER PARTAAAAAAAAY! Just kidding, I need to do some shopping. If you want to roll, let me know. If not, stay up and I will try to post something this weekend.
Chachi Out
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We have a huge week as we have three debut videos and a battle at the top of Countdown heavyweights! We begin this week with a rather shocking debut for some people who frequent here and think that this isn’t my cup of tea…
20. Colbie Caillat – Realize (New Entry)
Okay….I have to confess something. I love this song. I mean I listen to it all the time when I am driving especially at night. I just say there was a video for it so you best believe it got on here. I like this song a helluva lot more than that first one of hers. Ugh…
19. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #15)
NEW UVERWORLD! They have the new opening to “D-Gray Man” which I still have to get back to watching because I am well far behind. Too bad this video failed to even crack the Top 5 as it’s the first UVERworld video not to do that ever. Shocking!
18. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (New Entry)
A J-urban classic is making his debut! Anyone that knows anything about me knows how much I love “La La Love Song” even though it had Naomi Campbell in it. Then BoA remade it with SOUL’D OUT and it was all over after that. After a song with Kreva last year he returns with Misia (Who has a kickass voice) with this one. It is good stuff!
17. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #12, Plunge of the Week)
John Legend falls a HUGE five spots this week and looks on the verge of falling off the Countdown! He had a good run but was unable to unseat CRS from the top (which many didn’t do so he can’t feel that bad) and has fallen ever since. GIVE ME A NEW ALBUM NOW!
16. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #13)
Right above Mr. Legend is Miss Furtado as she continues to fall this week as well. The two staples of this Countdown are falling off with no new albums in over two years and we are all kind of twiddling our thumbs…waiting. Not cool.
15. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #18)
So The Boyz move up a few spots this week as they look to recapture the Top 10 success of “I USED TO LOVE HER” from 2006. They have some more (Albeit lackluster) help from superstars but let’s see if that will help. Now….the news of the week.
14. Usher feat. Young Jeezy – Love In This Club (New Entry)
THE PUPPY CAN LIVE! One of them. One third of the Holy Trinity of Dance (Bi, Usher and Se7en) has returned in a big way! Usher is motherfucking back! He has the highest debut on the Countdown EVER with his first video since 2005 (I believe) and it is actually very damn good. I like the remix with T.I. a little better but now I am nitpicking. USHER IS BACK, BITCHES!
13. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (Last Week #17)
After that return, everything else is a little of a letdown but Kanye moves up four spots this week as he attempts to get his third number one video.
12. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #10, Four Weeks at #1)
Kanye’s second video (As well as Lupe’s and Pharrell’s) on the Countdown is falling right out of the Top 10! It has been a big year for Lupe and Kanye. Look out for NERD, they have an album out coming soon, too!
11. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
After a slow climb, Hearts Grow is making a fast descent out of the Top 10. It has been a long wait for any new album news and needless to say I am getting bothered. Am I missing something here? Same with Hinoi Team. GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW!
10. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #14)
Lupe moves a big four spots this week to get his second Top 10 of this year! This video is actually in rotation on MTV Jams (I have it on as background music as I work) which is good because it is one of the few videos that is actually a damn story and has to do with the song. I’m a stickler for shit making sense. Sue me.
9. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #6)
RBD falls another three spots this week as they failed to take number one yet again. Not a good track record for them, especially with a year between videos. Oh, and their tour never FUCKING COMES TO DENVER! With as many Mexicans as there are up there? Come on!
8. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #9)
The Roots move up one spot this week as they have TWO new videos coming out. One is a European release (Birthday Girl) and the other is the official first single from their new album out April 29th. Go get it!
7. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)
The biggest mover this week comes from one of the best J-Rock bands ever! The Arc moves into the Top 10 for the third time and looks for their second number one. I also have to say that Hyde’s hair looks impeccable in this video. I am just saying.
6. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
Where in the hell is the Mihimaru GT album?! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! Their new video is starting to grow on me so you may see it on here. Still pissed off about no album though.
5. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #7)
Yui has two videos in the Top Five! Only UVERworld and Foxxi MisQ have pulled that off and now she is part of that bunch! Can she fair better than those two artists? Both times, neither video could take down the reigning champ!
4. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #4)
Miss Badu seems to have stalled this week as she stands pat at number four. Nothing new coming from her so far and I still need to cop that album from my local recordatorium. We are down to three!!
3. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #5)
Foxxi MisQ has cracked the Top 3 for the third time! Can they finally take the top spot? As of right now, they have the most videos to chart with no number one video to their name but…this video is hot. So this may be enough to push them over the top!
2. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #2)
Yui holds on to dear life to the number two spot this week after a hard push from Foxxi MisQ! With two videos available to take down the current champ can Yui take down the reigning queens? Not this week…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Six Weeks at #1)
….because Bennie K is a week away from history! They have held down the top spot for six weeks which is the longest since NaNa was on top for six weeks from last year to the beginning of 2008. That means she is one week away from tying the official record of seven weeks by UGK and Outkast in summer of 2007. Keep in mind, that wasn’t consecutive weeks! Bennie K has dominated for a month and a half with NO BREAK! Congrats!
That is all for this week! Next week, you could be a part of history! Can Bennie K hold on for a record tying SEVENTH WEEK? Or will Yui get her record tying THIRD number one video? Or will Foxxi MisQ break their streak of most Top Three videos without a number one by taking the top spot? Look out; we have new videos from Usher, The Arc and Lupe that are moving up fast! Stay tuned and meet me here next Friday!
I think I am going to Denver tonight after work. SLUMBER PARTAAAAAAAAY! Just kidding, I need to do some shopping. If you want to roll, let me know. If not, stay up and I will try to post something this weekend.
Chachi Out
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Keeping It Real Is Harder Than It Looks....
What is up, peeps! I am back for a bit as I act like I am doing something. Good news is I am going to land on my feet (YAAAY!) but the bad news is whether where I will land (Here is a hint: the abuse will continue if I go there) is really where I want to be at. Let’s just say that I am sick and tired of being hit for not having dinner ready on time. But they gave me flowers and told me they were sorry! No….I won’t fall for it again!
Speaking of falling for it, I have really….REALLY gotten sick and tired of women and their all around stupidity about the most LOGICAL of acts. Now what has been weird is that ever since college when I engage in a discussion (Which women call an argument but you really aren’t arguing if you are using logic. That is what a debate is if you want to nitpick) which a woman and refute all their so-called points with…what’s that word…SENSE they get upset. Then I get asked how I know so much about women. First off, I don’t know a lot about women. Bitches (Yes, I called you bitches. I keeps it gully…whatever that means) always get defensive about my “minor” in Women’s Studies” because they believe it means I am some sort of shrink and a threat to their supposed mental acumen. First off, I am officially going to refer to myself as “Dr. Chachi” because I have a Bachelors degree in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies (Because it didn’t exist as a major at the time but I have the credits for it now) but like Dr. Orpheus I have been bestowed the title of doctor by a much HIGHER AUTHORITY! That authority…the Para Para God that is Aaron Kwok:
He pretty much trumps out all the medical bodies with his HOT BODY. Did you catch the vapors? Because I did. Back to my point. Yesterday I went off about the wordsmithing and semantics of women and how they use words to make their simple plights seem like Earth-shattering breakthroughs in womanhood. If you are trying to find yourself at any point past…25 years old then by all reasons get a search party and get to cracking. However, do delude yourself or try to pass your late life stupidity as a vision-quest to find yourself. You want to be irresponsible and give a reason for it that SOUNDS like you are growing yourself when in actuality you are regressing. That is FINE, just call it what it is. If you want to have sex often because it feels good that is one thing. I am masturbating as I type this because the thought of being with a woman is icky (And vice versa, I’m sure. Some people find fat people sexy but I sure as hell don’t. I hate myself and that’s why I eat…) and no one knows how to please me like me. However, at the end of the day when you have sex often it is considered promiscuous behavior. When people are promiscuous they are thought of as whores. That is the social name and link to those actions. That is life, whether or not you want to accept it or not. I don’t want to be considered Black; I want to be considered an American. However the color of my skin and the perception of some of my choices (Love of hip hop, I like some jewelry, I always say “knamean”) lead people to consider me Black because that is the social name….and the physical name but you get the idea. If you don’t, then just stop reading now and come back tomorrow. I’ll have music videos up. If you act a certain way and follow the processes of a certain sect of people then you will be considered that. No matter how much YOU think you aren’t that and no matter how much YOU say that you don’t care what people say. You DO care and that’s why you are doing it in the FIRST PLACE.
You see, every action should have an equal reaction. Now for something major you need a major response. It isn’t only the response and how you implement it (*ahem* Iraq War *ahem*) it is about how you accept your response. When you respond in turn to an action you have to be ready for the fallout and brush back. Look at basketball. Someone delivers a hard foul in the lane to someone that has gotten several points in the paint. Now as a coach and player you have a decision to make. Do you return with a harder foul? Do you just give a little lane push to say you aren’t having it? Do you do nothing and just play the game? Each one of those are GOOD answers but you have to be ready to either be seen as a team of thugs, a team that takes no shit or a team of giant pussies that can be pushed around and they will fold like a Jew playing poker (Oy vey, that’s a lot of shevekas!). Now teams can say “we don’t care what the league thinks of us” but remember a few things:
• In the late 80’s and early 90’s the Pistons were thought of as a dirty team. They embraced it, calling themselves “The Bad Boys”
• The Redskins of the mid-80’s were seen as showboats. They began to refer to themselves as “The Fun Bunch” with team celebrations. BTW, those celebrations would be 15 yards and a $25,000 fine per person now, I believe.
• The Indianapolis Colts were always thought of as a team that was a finesse team that would give up if they were challenged on the defensive end by bumping receivers and pressuring their quarterback. This was proven correct as they were beaten by teams that played them aggressively. So they addressed that and got bigger players on defense and one HELL of a running back (I am a Joseph Adai fan, sue me) to matchup and make the naysayers statements then invalid.
• Bobby Brown was once known as the bad man of R&B, getting into fights and drinking heavy. He embraced that and became the “Bad Boy of R&B.” He then married a pop diva, turned them both to drugs and did a song with Ja Rule. They ALL can’t be winners.
My point is this: when you do something that is against social norms you need to be ready for the labels. I am sorry but that is just reality and the more you detach yourself from it the harder it is to get back there unless you find someone just as out there in their own little reality as you are. Even then, as once again Bobby and Whitney proved, love doesn’t last forever….even crazy love. They looked so perfect together!
It’s not labeling if you fit all the charactaristics. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck….it could be a platypus. But odds are it is a FUCKING DUCK. Nothing wrong with being a duck, some make a good living out of it. Just like being a whore. Nothing wrong with it at all, just know what you are. Hillbillies want to be “sons of the soil” and janitors want to be “custodial executives” but they are still what they are. Mostly because you cannot agree on what is a whore and what isn’t.
This in itself is why women should not be able to label themselves. You see, you can tell the difference between a nigga and a Black person. Hell, I have some niggerish traits. But you can tell a nigga from Black people because….well they will tell you. You’ve heard rap songs:
Hell, he is telling those other niggas to fuck off because he is down for HIS NIGGAS. It is kind of obvious that you can see niggas and what they do and as long as you TOTALLY don’t go down that route of niggerdom (Except for snitching. STOP SNITCHING!) you as a person should be okay. I say as a person because despite the epithet itself the word “nigga” is based off “nigger” which actually means “ignorant.” So if you avoid doing things that are ignorant (Pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT A RAPPER DOES) you are going to be okay. If you DO those things then you are pretty much a nigga. And niggas don’t care about being called niggas. Much like hoes and belts, they love that shit.
Back to my point, though. Women can’t even agree on WHO IS or WHAT makes a whore. Take in point Paris Hilton. Now I do not want to DEFEND Paris in any way, shape or form. But let’s logically look at this. Women go through a phase where they think that their vindication is based on sexual freedom which would be having sex for pleasure. Which is fine like I stated before, there is no real social stigma to enjoying sex (There is with being GOOD at it because if you are you should be getting paid for it like a porn star. Instead you do it for free and “self-gratification” which can’t get you bling-blong. Suck wing-wong for bling-blong! I AM A FUCKING HUMOR GOD!) so there is nothing wrong with that aspect. If the enjoyment of sex is the case then more power to you. However, women are ingrained from birth about the social and physical ramifications of promiscuous sex whether it be STD’s or KIDS or of course being known as the chick that could suck the hubcap off a Thunderbird. Women for the most part fear that stigma and usually end up either marrying the first person they get knocked up by (Despite knowing FULL WELL how babies are made. Maybe I am missing something here by not actually infiltrating the good place on a woman but…isn’t that what the money shot is for? Take a shot in the eye, your future depends on it!) OR just saying “fuck the world” and they go out and literally “fuck the world.” The latter is okay because at least they accept the stigma and roll with it. What is funny is the girls that got knocked up call those women that decided to say fuck social norms “whores” and yet once they realize they missed out on life and married a fucktard they do THE EXACT SAME THING and say it’s “discovery” when it’s their actions. Guess what? You can’t have it both ways in society. Whether you murder at 10 or your murder at 35 you are still a murder. If you have random sex at 18 or 28, society sees you a certain way no matter how you want to spin it. Just say “I want to fuck for a while because I missed out” because that is what is going on. You are “finding yourself” because what does THAT have to do with finding you? Don’t forget, sex is something that in the Christian faith (Well…all faiths but mine) is reserved for a MAN AND WIFE so to have sex outside of your marriage as a sin. PERIOD. Now you can spin your OWN words for your own gain but you CAN NOT SPIN THE BIBLE TO MEET YOUR OWN WHORISH NEEDS! YOU CAN’T! God….I am using the Bible to prove my argument.
Let’s tie this all together. The reason I even do this is that the double standard that women have against themselves is why you never get anywhere in terms of changing societies view of you. Comedians and R&B singers may say that vaginas run the world but at the end of the day it really doesn’t. That distinction belongs to the almighty dollar. Now you can say “fuck what society thinks” all you want to but at the end of the day….you need society more than society needs you. You know who else lived outside of social norms? Hitler. Ladies, are you better than Hitler? You can’t change how society views you if you don’t know how to view yourself. 50 Cent said it best:
Look in the mirror
Ask yourself who are you, if you don't know who you are
How can your dreams come true
FUCK! I am using the bible AND 50 Cent to prove my point?! Man…this is NOT a good day. Anyway, women will defend what they do as “sexual liberation” but call what Paris Hilton does “whoredom” when they are the EXACT SAME THING.:
Just because you fuck dudes for free (That aren’t me, and I thank you for that. Seriously, I like not having diseases or children) doesn’t mean you aren’t a whore. It makes you WORSE than a whore because they are getting that cash money dollars cheddar scrilla for their work while you are fucking the waiter at Bennigan’s or sucking the wang of a dude that works at Famous Footwear because you feel “vindicated.” That is what we in the mid-90’s called a….”playa hater”. Do not take umbrage with the playa. You must direct your issues to….the game:
Call it what it is, people. You gots to live by two words:
KEEP IT REAL
Peace out. The Countdown will be up tomorrow. Oh, and USHER IS FUCKING BACK, BITCHES! See where he lands! I’m out!
Speaking of falling for it, I have really….REALLY gotten sick and tired of women and their all around stupidity about the most LOGICAL of acts. Now what has been weird is that ever since college when I engage in a discussion (Which women call an argument but you really aren’t arguing if you are using logic. That is what a debate is if you want to nitpick) which a woman and refute all their so-called points with…what’s that word…SENSE they get upset. Then I get asked how I know so much about women. First off, I don’t know a lot about women. Bitches (Yes, I called you bitches. I keeps it gully…whatever that means) always get defensive about my “minor” in Women’s Studies” because they believe it means I am some sort of shrink and a threat to their supposed mental acumen. First off, I am officially going to refer to myself as “Dr. Chachi” because I have a Bachelors degree in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies (Because it didn’t exist as a major at the time but I have the credits for it now) but like Dr. Orpheus I have been bestowed the title of doctor by a much HIGHER AUTHORITY! That authority…the Para Para God that is Aaron Kwok:
He pretty much trumps out all the medical bodies with his HOT BODY. Did you catch the vapors? Because I did. Back to my point. Yesterday I went off about the wordsmithing and semantics of women and how they use words to make their simple plights seem like Earth-shattering breakthroughs in womanhood. If you are trying to find yourself at any point past…25 years old then by all reasons get a search party and get to cracking. However, do delude yourself or try to pass your late life stupidity as a vision-quest to find yourself. You want to be irresponsible and give a reason for it that SOUNDS like you are growing yourself when in actuality you are regressing. That is FINE, just call it what it is. If you want to have sex often because it feels good that is one thing. I am masturbating as I type this because the thought of being with a woman is icky (And vice versa, I’m sure. Some people find fat people sexy but I sure as hell don’t. I hate myself and that’s why I eat…) and no one knows how to please me like me. However, at the end of the day when you have sex often it is considered promiscuous behavior. When people are promiscuous they are thought of as whores. That is the social name and link to those actions. That is life, whether or not you want to accept it or not. I don’t want to be considered Black; I want to be considered an American. However the color of my skin and the perception of some of my choices (Love of hip hop, I like some jewelry, I always say “knamean”) lead people to consider me Black because that is the social name….and the physical name but you get the idea. If you don’t, then just stop reading now and come back tomorrow. I’ll have music videos up. If you act a certain way and follow the processes of a certain sect of people then you will be considered that. No matter how much YOU think you aren’t that and no matter how much YOU say that you don’t care what people say. You DO care and that’s why you are doing it in the FIRST PLACE.
You see, every action should have an equal reaction. Now for something major you need a major response. It isn’t only the response and how you implement it (*ahem* Iraq War *ahem*) it is about how you accept your response. When you respond in turn to an action you have to be ready for the fallout and brush back. Look at basketball. Someone delivers a hard foul in the lane to someone that has gotten several points in the paint. Now as a coach and player you have a decision to make. Do you return with a harder foul? Do you just give a little lane push to say you aren’t having it? Do you do nothing and just play the game? Each one of those are GOOD answers but you have to be ready to either be seen as a team of thugs, a team that takes no shit or a team of giant pussies that can be pushed around and they will fold like a Jew playing poker (Oy vey, that’s a lot of shevekas!). Now teams can say “we don’t care what the league thinks of us” but remember a few things:
• In the late 80’s and early 90’s the Pistons were thought of as a dirty team. They embraced it, calling themselves “The Bad Boys”
• The Redskins of the mid-80’s were seen as showboats. They began to refer to themselves as “The Fun Bunch” with team celebrations. BTW, those celebrations would be 15 yards and a $25,000 fine per person now, I believe.
• The Indianapolis Colts were always thought of as a team that was a finesse team that would give up if they were challenged on the defensive end by bumping receivers and pressuring their quarterback. This was proven correct as they were beaten by teams that played them aggressively. So they addressed that and got bigger players on defense and one HELL of a running back (I am a Joseph Adai fan, sue me) to matchup and make the naysayers statements then invalid.
• Bobby Brown was once known as the bad man of R&B, getting into fights and drinking heavy. He embraced that and became the “Bad Boy of R&B.” He then married a pop diva, turned them both to drugs and did a song with Ja Rule. They ALL can’t be winners.
My point is this: when you do something that is against social norms you need to be ready for the labels. I am sorry but that is just reality and the more you detach yourself from it the harder it is to get back there unless you find someone just as out there in their own little reality as you are. Even then, as once again Bobby and Whitney proved, love doesn’t last forever….even crazy love. They looked so perfect together!
It’s not labeling if you fit all the charactaristics. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck….it could be a platypus. But odds are it is a FUCKING DUCK. Nothing wrong with being a duck, some make a good living out of it. Just like being a whore. Nothing wrong with it at all, just know what you are. Hillbillies want to be “sons of the soil” and janitors want to be “custodial executives” but they are still what they are. Mostly because you cannot agree on what is a whore and what isn’t.
This in itself is why women should not be able to label themselves. You see, you can tell the difference between a nigga and a Black person. Hell, I have some niggerish traits. But you can tell a nigga from Black people because….well they will tell you. You’ve heard rap songs:
Hell, he is telling those other niggas to fuck off because he is down for HIS NIGGAS. It is kind of obvious that you can see niggas and what they do and as long as you TOTALLY don’t go down that route of niggerdom (Except for snitching. STOP SNITCHING!) you as a person should be okay. I say as a person because despite the epithet itself the word “nigga” is based off “nigger” which actually means “ignorant.” So if you avoid doing things that are ignorant (Pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT A RAPPER DOES) you are going to be okay. If you DO those things then you are pretty much a nigga. And niggas don’t care about being called niggas. Much like hoes and belts, they love that shit.
Back to my point, though. Women can’t even agree on WHO IS or WHAT makes a whore. Take in point Paris Hilton. Now I do not want to DEFEND Paris in any way, shape or form. But let’s logically look at this. Women go through a phase where they think that their vindication is based on sexual freedom which would be having sex for pleasure. Which is fine like I stated before, there is no real social stigma to enjoying sex (There is with being GOOD at it because if you are you should be getting paid for it like a porn star. Instead you do it for free and “self-gratification” which can’t get you bling-blong. Suck wing-wong for bling-blong! I AM A FUCKING HUMOR GOD!) so there is nothing wrong with that aspect. If the enjoyment of sex is the case then more power to you. However, women are ingrained from birth about the social and physical ramifications of promiscuous sex whether it be STD’s or KIDS or of course being known as the chick that could suck the hubcap off a Thunderbird. Women for the most part fear that stigma and usually end up either marrying the first person they get knocked up by (Despite knowing FULL WELL how babies are made. Maybe I am missing something here by not actually infiltrating the good place on a woman but…isn’t that what the money shot is for? Take a shot in the eye, your future depends on it!) OR just saying “fuck the world” and they go out and literally “fuck the world.” The latter is okay because at least they accept the stigma and roll with it. What is funny is the girls that got knocked up call those women that decided to say fuck social norms “whores” and yet once they realize they missed out on life and married a fucktard they do THE EXACT SAME THING and say it’s “discovery” when it’s their actions. Guess what? You can’t have it both ways in society. Whether you murder at 10 or your murder at 35 you are still a murder. If you have random sex at 18 or 28, society sees you a certain way no matter how you want to spin it. Just say “I want to fuck for a while because I missed out” because that is what is going on. You are “finding yourself” because what does THAT have to do with finding you? Don’t forget, sex is something that in the Christian faith (Well…all faiths but mine) is reserved for a MAN AND WIFE so to have sex outside of your marriage as a sin. PERIOD. Now you can spin your OWN words for your own gain but you CAN NOT SPIN THE BIBLE TO MEET YOUR OWN WHORISH NEEDS! YOU CAN’T! God….I am using the Bible to prove my argument.
Let’s tie this all together. The reason I even do this is that the double standard that women have against themselves is why you never get anywhere in terms of changing societies view of you. Comedians and R&B singers may say that vaginas run the world but at the end of the day it really doesn’t. That distinction belongs to the almighty dollar. Now you can say “fuck what society thinks” all you want to but at the end of the day….you need society more than society needs you. You know who else lived outside of social norms? Hitler. Ladies, are you better than Hitler? You can’t change how society views you if you don’t know how to view yourself. 50 Cent said it best:
Look in the mirror
Ask yourself who are you, if you don't know who you are
How can your dreams come true
FUCK! I am using the bible AND 50 Cent to prove my point?! Man…this is NOT a good day. Anyway, women will defend what they do as “sexual liberation” but call what Paris Hilton does “whoredom” when they are the EXACT SAME THING.:
Just because you fuck dudes for free (That aren’t me, and I thank you for that. Seriously, I like not having diseases or children) doesn’t mean you aren’t a whore. It makes you WORSE than a whore because they are getting that cash money dollars cheddar scrilla for their work while you are fucking the waiter at Bennigan’s or sucking the wang of a dude that works at Famous Footwear because you feel “vindicated.” That is what we in the mid-90’s called a….”playa hater”. Do not take umbrage with the playa. You must direct your issues to….the game:
Call it what it is, people. You gots to live by two words:
KEEP IT REAL
Peace out. The Countdown will be up tomorrow. Oh, and USHER IS FUCKING BACK, BITCHES! See where he lands! I’m out!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I Feel So Used....So Used....
What is up, people? I am back up today, mostly because it is April 9th and that means that THE NEW BLEACH INTRO IS HERE! Man, this Kelun song should totally fucking rock it out. If it doesn’t….I will be kind of pissed off. Ever since I found out that it would be the opening (And the Raw cut of Bleach 165 magically disappeared that had the commercial so I have yet to hear a sample) I have been waiting with anticipation for this intro. I haven’t been this pumped up since Bobby Brown rejoined New Edition:
Word to the mutha.
Now there is something that has been bugging me lately how people (If you can consider women people. BURN!) use wordsmithing to the point of bastardizing the English dictionary. At least niggas create NEW slang to show how ignorant they are. Women take real words with REAL MEANINGS and use them either out of context or ad nauseam for something it has no fucking bearing on. Case in point: since when did “cheating” become “vindicating” solely for the broken logic that women feel that cheating shouldn’t be a male only action. CHEATING SHOULDN’T BE ANYONE’S ACTION YOU BRAIN DEAD FUCKTARD! First off, from this point off women cannot use these words without first looking them up and putting them in the correct fucking context:
· Enlightening (Great for a trip to Mecca or Jerusalem. Not for if you realized that if you click your own button, good things happen. I learned that shit playing Nintendo and I am better at that than ALL OF YOU)
· Vindicating (The end of apartheid? Vindicating. Tearing down the Berlin Wall? Vindicating. Realizing that you can pour your size seven figure into a size four and not get punched in the stomach like you should? NOT VINDICATING. You piss on the memory of those that have truly been vindicated when you compare your decent into whoredom with their legitimate triumphs)
· Liberating (Um…you see…FUCK YOU. You liberate political prisoners and hostages. You are not liberated because you realized that it’s free drinks for you on Wednesdays before 10pm when you were married to someone that wouldn’t let you out after the street lights went out. You married him; it’s your own fucking fault. It’s not liberation, its Asshat Bail)
Now this goes for both women AND men but since the bro vocabulary is limited to “BRO!” and “SHAAA!” and “DON’T TASE ME!” we don’t have to worry about them using words out of context because they don’t know those words exist yet. Now I am not trying to be a dick here. Or maybe I am, who knows. The simple fact is that you cannot trivialize these words by using them for every little epiphany that happens in your life. Now I know that I may use several obnoxiously large words but either they fit or they are for ironic humor. Saying “counter-intuitive” is funnier than saying “That shit is fucked up, son!” You weren’t “oppressed” because you can’t fuck as many men as you want to without being thought of as whore for having no traction in your action. That is YOUR decision and it is YOUR life. People judging you is how they world works, tough shit. I get judged all day by women and men alike and I tell them to eat my ass because at the end of the day I know I have problems like the next person. I don’t rationalize my being fat by saying “it’s my body!” because being overweight is (supposedly) a health risk and I could die early. I could ALSO die from a rabid mob squirrel attack but if people want to focus on the fact I could die from my love of chicken then that’s quite alright. Being a whore not only has a harsh social ramification but a horrible physical one as well: STD’S and KIDS. Herpes: it’s the blistery badge of whoredom whether you are a male or female. In other words, call a club a club and a spade a spade. It’s not liberating that you can wedge your size ten body into pants that are two sizes smaller than you should be allowed to buy. That shit is NOT COOL. Just because you are a woman and you THINK that you are hot and all men want to look at you no matter how much you are overflowing out of your clothes (and not in the good way) doesn’t mean that shit is true. Much like the cake, you are a lie. PORTAL REFERENCE, FOOL! At least I cover my shame up.
Speaking of shame, why are all McDonald’s commercials ethnically charged? They have commercials for Blacks, Whites, Latinos and those creepy ass Japanese commercials for Asians:
I get it; penguins love McFlurries. No, wait a fucking minute! Penguins don’t eat ice cream! Fucking McDonald’s and their corporate lies! THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS! As for commercials for Blacks, check out this disturbing expose:
Disgusting. Just disgusting. I got the new McDonald’s slogan for Black people right here:
Mickey D’s: Get Yo Grub On, Nigga!
I am very sure that will show up SOMEWHERE and I will be damn hell ass rich! I will try to be back up tomorrow for a short one and Friday is the Countdown so stay tuned. Until then, stay up.
(Update: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! WHERE IN THE FUCK IS KELUN ON BLEACH 166?! NOOOOOOOO! Craaaaaaaaaap....)
Chachi Out
Word to the mutha.
Now there is something that has been bugging me lately how people (If you can consider women people. BURN!) use wordsmithing to the point of bastardizing the English dictionary. At least niggas create NEW slang to show how ignorant they are. Women take real words with REAL MEANINGS and use them either out of context or ad nauseam for something it has no fucking bearing on. Case in point: since when did “cheating” become “vindicating” solely for the broken logic that women feel that cheating shouldn’t be a male only action. CHEATING SHOULDN’T BE ANYONE’S ACTION YOU BRAIN DEAD FUCKTARD! First off, from this point off women cannot use these words without first looking them up and putting them in the correct fucking context:
· Enlightening (Great for a trip to Mecca or Jerusalem. Not for if you realized that if you click your own button, good things happen. I learned that shit playing Nintendo and I am better at that than ALL OF YOU)
· Vindicating (The end of apartheid? Vindicating. Tearing down the Berlin Wall? Vindicating. Realizing that you can pour your size seven figure into a size four and not get punched in the stomach like you should? NOT VINDICATING. You piss on the memory of those that have truly been vindicated when you compare your decent into whoredom with their legitimate triumphs)
· Liberating (Um…you see…FUCK YOU. You liberate political prisoners and hostages. You are not liberated because you realized that it’s free drinks for you on Wednesdays before 10pm when you were married to someone that wouldn’t let you out after the street lights went out. You married him; it’s your own fucking fault. It’s not liberation, its Asshat Bail)
Now this goes for both women AND men but since the bro vocabulary is limited to “BRO!” and “SHAAA!” and “DON’T TASE ME!” we don’t have to worry about them using words out of context because they don’t know those words exist yet. Now I am not trying to be a dick here. Or maybe I am, who knows. The simple fact is that you cannot trivialize these words by using them for every little epiphany that happens in your life. Now I know that I may use several obnoxiously large words but either they fit or they are for ironic humor. Saying “counter-intuitive” is funnier than saying “That shit is fucked up, son!” You weren’t “oppressed” because you can’t fuck as many men as you want to without being thought of as whore for having no traction in your action. That is YOUR decision and it is YOUR life. People judging you is how they world works, tough shit. I get judged all day by women and men alike and I tell them to eat my ass because at the end of the day I know I have problems like the next person. I don’t rationalize my being fat by saying “it’s my body!” because being overweight is (supposedly) a health risk and I could die early. I could ALSO die from a rabid mob squirrel attack but if people want to focus on the fact I could die from my love of chicken then that’s quite alright. Being a whore not only has a harsh social ramification but a horrible physical one as well: STD’S and KIDS. Herpes: it’s the blistery badge of whoredom whether you are a male or female. In other words, call a club a club and a spade a spade. It’s not liberating that you can wedge your size ten body into pants that are two sizes smaller than you should be allowed to buy. That shit is NOT COOL. Just because you are a woman and you THINK that you are hot and all men want to look at you no matter how much you are overflowing out of your clothes (and not in the good way) doesn’t mean that shit is true. Much like the cake, you are a lie. PORTAL REFERENCE, FOOL! At least I cover my shame up.
Speaking of shame, why are all McDonald’s commercials ethnically charged? They have commercials for Blacks, Whites, Latinos and those creepy ass Japanese commercials for Asians:
I get it; penguins love McFlurries. No, wait a fucking minute! Penguins don’t eat ice cream! Fucking McDonald’s and their corporate lies! THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS! As for commercials for Blacks, check out this disturbing expose:
Disgusting. Just disgusting. I got the new McDonald’s slogan for Black people right here:
Mickey D’s: Get Yo Grub On, Nigga!
I am very sure that will show up SOMEWHERE and I will be damn hell ass rich! I will try to be back up tomorrow for a short one and Friday is the Countdown so stay tuned. Until then, stay up.
(Update: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! WHERE IN THE FUCK IS KELUN ON BLEACH 166?! NOOOOOOOO! Craaaaaaaaaap....)
Chachi Out
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