Due To Some Technical Difficulties, Programming Will Be Reshuffled.

What is up, peeps! It is a HOT ASS THURSDAY here in the CSP and I have something special for you today. I picked up my computer yesterday from FedEx (after getting lost…I’ll tell you about it if you want to know but it is embarrassing) and I am in the process of some troubleshooting on my old motherboard and drives to make sure they are operational. Anyone who is looking for CPU parts let me know. I’ll list what I have after I see what works and I can keep.

Anyway, odds are I will be doing the changeover on Friday evening and seeing “Evan Almighty” Friday night so the Top 20 Video Countdown will be postponed. Until right now! Here it is, a day early!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We get started this week with a new entry!

20. AI – I’ll Remember You (New Entry)

Welcome back! It has been a LONG ASS TIME since I have had some AI to listen to! To make it up to me, she gave me two videos. I like “Brand New Day” a tad more than “I’ll Remember You” because it is happy. Quite the underrated summer jam if I say so myself.
19. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #16)

So um…yeah I have put up the remix with Lil Mama on it. All I can say is that it wasn’t mind-numbingly bad. It was not great, don’t get it twisted. It could have been a lot worse. Doesn’t help this week, as this video falls three more spots to the bottom of the Countdown. So odds are, it will be the last time you see it. Yaaaay, me!
18. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #15)
After holding on for two and a half months and not reaching the Top 10, M-Flo and Her Fineness Crystal Kay falls a big three places this week. Crystal Kay has a new album coming in soon (TODAY!) and VERBAL has a new song with Emyli (who knows how to work a skirt, I tell you what) so they shouldn’t be gone for too much longer.
17. Foxxi MisQ feat. Miss Monday – Party Booty Shake (Last Week #20)
First Crystal Kay, now Foxxi MisQ. This day aint so bad after all! Their album should be here in July and I must say I cannot wait! Their singles have been awesome (“Alive” may have made more men out of boys than Kumi Koda’s “Juicy”. Juicy got ‘em crazy!) so the album should be well worth the wait. Oh, and they’s hot. Just had to mention that.
16. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #13, one week at #1)
NOOOOOOOOOOO! Yui falls three more spots this week with this video. So I got the live performance of this song (I think it was Music Station but I am not sure) in Hi-Def and all I can say is that she is so cute! If Mandy Moore played acoustic guitar (Oh wow…I think my heart just stopped) that would be the only thing cuter. Holding a kitten singing the Care Bears song wouldn’t hurt.
15. Gackt – RETURNER ~Yami no Shuuen~ (Last Week #18)
So I still can’t find any episodes of the show this song is from. That kind of sucks, because it looks totally bad ass. At least I have this video to tide me over. Oh, and its nice to hear the rocked out Gackt. Love the ballads but sometimes you just wanna see the hawtest man in music cut loose.
14. Enrique Iglesias – Do You Know (Last Week #17)

So Enrique and Ricky Martin are NOT THE SAME PERSON? Wow…my world has been turned totally topsy-turvy. Well, guess it fits. Ricky could never do a song and video like this. That and Ricky sometimes reminds me of The Creeper on the Animated Adventures of Batman & Robin. Look at him, its true!
13. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (Last Week #9)
God…I really don’t like Tag body spray. You know, not even because of the commercials anymore (they kind of run together so I can ignore them) or the bro usage. That stuff SMELLS LIKE SHIT. I mean Axe has…one good scent (Phoenix has a subtle smell to it) but all Tag smells like locker room. And if there is one place I really don’t need to go back to, its high school.
12. Daddy Yankee feat. Fergie – Impacto (Last Week #14)
So…um…I like Fergie’s new song. SHUT UP! Its not about her because she is obviously a man, but “Big Girls Don’t Cry” is surprisingly not crappy. Makes up for Fergalisious or whatever it was called. Oh, and Daddy Yankee has yet to disappoint me in the video and song department. DAH-DEE YAN-KAY!
11. L`Arc~en~Ciel – Seventh Heaven (Last Week #12)

Hyde and the boys are one step away from their first Top 10! This video has always been cool but the song used to be kind of average until a few listens and now I like it a lot. Its no “Fourth Avenue Café” but few (as in no) songs are. We have made it to the Top 10!
10. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #7, Four weeks at #1)
We begin the top half with a video that held the Countdown on lock for a month in May and is now making a slow decent, landing at #10. Havent heard much new from these guys and Naruto had a break this week (BOOOOOO!) so a new episode should be out Friday. Come on, the heroes need a comeback!
9. T.I. – Big Things Poppin’ (Last Week #10)
So T.I. has a SECOND video! I just saw it last night while I was transferring files to my back up drive and it isn’t TOO bad. It is the simple hip hop video fare (to which I say boo to that) but once again…it’s T.I. so I will let that slide for a while. They all can’t be “What You Know”.
8. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #4, One week at #1)
I cry on the inside. AND THE OUTSIDE! My baby boo falls four big spots this week and out of the Top Five for the first time since May! She has a new video and a rumored album in August but I need to verify that. Because…you know…I think she is quite the special and I need to be first to have it. Still cant find episode 2 of “Unfair” either. Dammit.
7. UGK feat. Outkast – International Players Anthem (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)

Andre Three Stacks, Sweet Jones, The King of Trill and Daddy Fat Sacks move up four big spots into the Top 10! They have the fastest rising video for the second straight week and rightfully so. Four verses, four different styles and yet they all mesh together. And Pimp-C surfs on a beat like Kelly Slater. Seriously, he puts in work.
6. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #2)
After coming one step away from standing on top, Rascal Flats falls four spots to #6. This video has fallen (sadly) out of the rotation and when are they coming out with a new damn album?! Prince has a new album every other day! Although…Prince is Prince. We have now entered the Top 5!
5. Foxxi MisQ feat Zeebra – Luxury Ride (Last Week #8)

Did it just get hot in here? Of course it did! Foxxi Misq has their first ever Top 5 video with this little ditty. Yeah, I know they may not be my typical lady, but something about funky fresh dance moves (in an EVENING GOWN no less) and Dem in short shorts make me happy to see this video. I could do without the cars, but it plays in with the theme.
4. Yui – My Generation (Last Week #5)
Well, different day same result. Yui is once again climbing up the mountain in attempt for the #1 video! I got a live performance of this song too and all I can say is that Yui has a pretty good band behind her. This video has grown on me (has a “Rolling Star” quality to it) and hopefully this means a Yui concert special at some point this summer! I can dream, cant I?
3. Abingdon Boys School – Howling (Last Week #6)

HELL YES! Abingdon Boys School makes a leap into the Top 3 as they attempt for their first #1 ever on their first trip! This video is simple, but the song shines through because of it. Also, I lost all my “Darker Than Black” episodes (FUUUUUUCK) so I have to get them again. I was only on…episode one? It was still good stuff from what I saw. Here is to an Abingdon Boys School album soon!
2. Orange Range – Ika Summer (Last Week #3)

Orange Range is one step from the top spot after moving up one place this week! They are tied with Game for the most videos on the Top 20 Video Countdown without a #1 video (Both have had three videos. He’s come close, two #3’s and a #4) and this is as close as they have ever been! Are they up for the challenge? We will have to see!
1. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #1, Three weeks at #1)

Well, it makes me wonder if ANYONE can take these guys down! Maroon 5 tops the chart for the third straight week, taking on nobodyknows+, Rascal Flats and Yuna Ito to defend their crown! This video has taken on all comers and sent them to the briny deep below! The album isn’t too shabby, either. Congratulations, guys!

Well, that is all for today! Tune in on the Countdown’s normal day next Friday to see if Maroon 5 can make it a full month at #1! Or will Orange Range finally secure a Number One video? Or can j-rawk top the Top 20 for the first time since Beat Crusaders with Abingdon Boys School? There are some heavy hitters (Yui and T.I.) along with some newcomers (Foxxi MisQ and UGK) looking to take the crown this summer as well! It should be interesting, stay tuned and see you next Friday!

So I should be back up and running either LAAAAAATE tomorrow night or Saturday afternoon at the latest. I will give an update on how the computer change over went. All I can say is that CompUSA was like Gateway Country except with not as smart or funny employees. We were dicks to customers, but at least we were funny dicks:

“Well, Gateway is one of many computer manufacturers. You chose us…and it looks like a big ass mistake. Sorry but the power is not mine to help you. You thought about Circuit City?”

Man, greatest last day ever. And dammit, I forgot the glitter! As you can see, I suck at customer service, yet did it in some form for seven years. Oh, the irony…

I will be back with an update soon, peeps.

Chachi Out

So...Manhunt Isn't About My Search For Johnny Depp? Shennanigans!

The time has come, peeps. I had a little rant two days ago about video games and our rights as gamers to play the games some deem “offensive”. Well, for the first time in 10 years, a game is being banned in England, much like Tom Cruise sues people there. That place must REALLY suck.

Manhunt 2 has officially been banned for purchase/sale in the United Kingdom (barring an appeal with Rockstar may attempt) and “family rights groups” (which means bible thumping, booby hating, violence decrying aging redneck douches) are attempting to have the same thing happen here in America. To that gamers, we must say the nay no.

First off, I have read the coverage about Manhunt 2. It has a violent premise and is full of graphic killing and sadistic tones.

You know what? It doesn’t matter because odds are the game will end up being crappy. First off, name one game that is violent or offensive just for the sake of being violent and offensive that was any good? Thrill Kill? Anyone even REMEMBER that game aside me? The first Manhunt? Was intriguing for the first 45 minutes to an hour but after stabbing someone with an ice pick for the 8th time it lost its luster because it played like crap and the action was too few and far between. Quite simply, games of this ilk are bad not because of the content, but because of the game itself. These things usually work themselves out, see 2 Live Crew and most crappy horror movies.

Also, I am sick of the hypocrisy of America when it comes to violence. It wasn’t violent when movies in the 80’s (and 70’s) like Body Double and The Godfather were some of the most violent movies ever. I see grisly (and I mean GRISLY) images of the Iraq War on the news every night. Those aren’t pixels on TV; those are real shrapnel shards. Inside those tanks and exploding cars aren’t aliens or robots, they are human beings. There is no reset button for any of those people Gaza. The blood on the streets isn’t gone by the next level. That is REAL violence, yet no one bans the news. No one is stopping the war anytime soon. Last I checked, movies like Grindhouse and Hostel 2 were still in the theaters (and sucking it up, to boot) and those movies have scenes of torture and mutilation. The fact is that video games are held to a double standard by activists groups because video games are seen as a “kids medium” and for the most part kids are too stupid to think for themselves and parents are too “overwhelmed” (which is activist speak for “poor parents” IMHO) to monitor what their children play and see. News flash, people. Games are made for several markets and demographics just like movies, TV shows and music are. Mature rated games like Manhunt 2 aren’t made for kids to start off with. There is nothing about that game that screams “play me” to an 11 year old.

Before you say “the violence is intriguing to young people” I will give the same defense for video games that I give for cigarettes. If your kid is intrigued by a cartoon camel to put smoke in their lungs they aren’t as bright as you think they are because intentionally putting smoke in your lungs at its basic CORE is asinine and shouldn’t be emulated (by following a CAMEL no less). Therefore, if your kid sees a man get stabbed in the chest with a whirring buzz saw and get intrigued then they are not as smart as you believe because at its CORE a buzz saw to the chest is murder and shouldn’t be emulated. If kids aren’t able to separate fiction from reality then they need to be TAUGHT THAT. Banning games that are based in violent and based in FICTION isn’t going to help anything. All you are doing is taking rights away from those that CAN tell fiction from reality to chose whether to play a game that may be Mature or not. I do not accept the argument that banning these games is good for the children as much as I don’t believe that relinquishing civil liberties for my “safety against terrorism” is logical or just. You cannot take away the privileges of the whole for the stupidity of the few.

Now I am not calling all kids stupid and I am not calling all parents worthless. Everyone needs to understand their part in this. No matter how uncomfortable, parents need to take the responsibility to educate their children on what they feel is offensive and set ground rules for their children to abide by to fit that. Kids need to learn that you are not a person until you are 18 (heh). Deal with it, you do what your parents say because USUALLY they are only doing what is best for you. With that being said, it is ALSO a kid’s responsibility to discuss with their parents what they know and how they perceive these kinds of things and parents should make changes as such. There are some kids that do grasp the concept of…well not being an idiot. You don’t do what you see in video games because they are a medium of entertainment. You play them to enjoy, not to reenact them. Parents, at that point your parenting skills come into play. No one knows your kids (OR SHOULD KNOW YOUR KIDS) better than you. If you believe that they are ready to play those types of games, let them with rules. Play it with them first to see what it is about. I guarantee that if parents actually PLAYED Manhunt they would not be upset at the violence as much as upset with not having a camera that worked or not being able to sneak effectively because the AI was jacked. Discuss the game with them and see where their head is at. Let them know that they can’t impale people on walls, back flip slice ninjas, rip the wings off of harpies or fire rocket launchers into a crowd of zombies. If they grasp that, which they should, you know they are ready to partake in the Resident Evil’s and GTA’s of the video game world.

This exchange takes an hour. If you don’t have an hour for your kids, then you shouldn’t have had them until you did. Birth control was plentiful and money shots are always an option if you weren’t ready. Knuckle up and do your damn job. Kids, know your damn role and THINK. If you really get ideas for killing people from Half-Life then you need to not play video games. If you don’t get it, don’t play it because you are messing things up for the rest of us. Keep away from the “Mature” games and play some Surf’s Up or Hello Kitty’s Adventure of Lollipop Island or something until you are mentally ready. Pretty kickass game, if I say so myself.

Lastly, game developers. Next time you have an idea for a game that has graphic violence, nudity, drug use, obscenities, negative religious imagery (which I am all for but that is another story), torture or any other mature theme I want you to ask yourselves these questions:

- Is the eye gouging of the puppy in the Neo-Boston level excessive? I mean its SO CUUUTE!
- Will this be fun? There are 40 levels and only two enemies…and they are palette swaps.
- Does the camera work where it needs to? I mean the players MAY want to see where they LAND WHEN THEY JUMP!
- Are the characters engaging? His name is Steve and he is looking for revenge, but for what? And how did he get the ability to shoot lightning from his wang?!
- Should those chicks be lezzing right now? I mean The Colossus of Rhodes is attacking!
- Hey, does this game need a block button? There are 107 ninjas on the screen at one time and they are all attacking. AND they only have one life with no continues.

These are some simple questions to ask when you are coming up with ideas and programming games. I mean come on, guys. What is the purpose of making sequels to Manhunt, State of Emergency and ANY MORTAL KOMBAT AFTER MKII (although Trilogy had its moments) when no one liked the originals? All that controversy, all that violence and gore and parent bitching to make a game that no one liked. You see, this is the problem with video games that are Mature rated: the crappy ones screw it up for the good ones. It seems my initial idea of “don’t buy it and they will stop” doesn’t work anymore. I have let developers off easy over the last few years but not anymore. I wont tell you what to make but REALLY THINK before you put these games out. Is the controversy worth the chance of screwing over all gamers because you want to put an f-bomb, a RPK (rocket propelled kitten) cannon or boobies in a game? Stop being selfish and think of your target consumer. If you don’t think it fits, odds are it doesn’t.

The simple truth is that banning video games won’t help anything. I hope this doesn’t reach America ever because I don’t want to miss out on the holiday battle of the PS3, X-Box360 and Wii games because some Christian parents rights groups got I.P.S. over some crappy game with beheadings, bombs and boobs. Didn’t want to rant about this twice in a week, but this just showed up on CNN.

GAMERS UNITE!!

FedEx Licks Emu Taint.

Fuck FedEx. Because they use contract delivery people, I cant get my computer until tomorrow. That is fucking bullshit. First off, how safe is my property of you dont monitor your contractors delivery trucks (if I am not mistaken they have communication with their employed drivers)? That driver could be tinkering with my Windows Vista right now! It already doesnt work to start off with you r-tards! This is the second time I have had to deal with FedEd about this (I believe they did the same thing to my camera last year) and I keep on asking to not ship with them and it happens anyway.

Another reason I dont like FedEx is that they dont fucking knock. When I got my offer letter from HP in 2004, I had the door open because I was also waiting for the Adelphia cable guy (yeah, long time ago) and I heard the truck pull up and the dog barked because he heard someone on the porch. As I am walking up the stairs, I see him damn near run away. I get to the door and I yell to him that I am there and he said "Oh, I knocked and no one came to the door!"
First off, fuck you you liar. Second off, I had:

The door open with music playing (so unless I am really lax on security SOMEONE was hope)

A metal storm door (which re-animates zombies when knocked on)

A doorbell (that could summon Viking warriors from the Arctic North)

What REALLY pissed me off is that it didnt even require a signature! He was just going to fucking leave with my letter! Why? Because he was a lazy fucktard. Congrats, FedEx. I hope you get head cancer from the 'thrax.

Fuck FedEx, fuck them in their stupid shitty shipping heads.

Even Satan Has Friends! He Plays Yatzee With JFK Everyday!

Whats up, peeps. Sad day in Chachi-ville as one my best friends leaves me today. This person was there during my initial interview and his exact words were “So…um…this job is boring. Get ready.” He was there my first day (albeit didn’t come to get me from the lobby where I sat for about an hour and a half listening to Wicked on my iPod) to show me the ropes, which pretty much was “Yeah, the excitement never ends.” He took my tastless, racist, sexist, homophobic and hetrophobic jokes in stride, mainly because he was making them, too. He was there when my boss took us to Blue Star (Roasted duck, bitches!) for dinner and I got a tad bit off the chain on the martinis. Then he was gone the rest of the time but that was neither here nor there. The fact is that he was my work road dog. He was my homie. And I am going to miss my homie. So to H-Ruby…this is for you:

I REALLY MISS…MY...HOMIES! EVEN THOUGH YOU GONE AWAY! I KNOW YOU IN A BETTER PLACE AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE SOMEDAY! Hahahaha…seriously, stay up. Good luck at the new job, homie. Oh, and Pimp-C is a lyrical genius, I don’t give a fuck what ANYONE SAYS. Sweet Jones Jr. talking to ya!

Oh, there is another person that I have to say goodbye to. I don’t WANT to but I guess I had better seeing as how I we are friends. This person…well she finds a way to piss me off everyday. Without fail. Something she does will make me want to…well do this:

BTW, that is why John Cena will NEVER be better than Edge. NEVER. That and he got to the top by banging another mans old lady. It’s kind of my dream! Anyway, back to my nemesis. Even though she pisses me off to no end, it is like…my day is not complete without talking to her. My god…I am totally a chick. I love to be treated like crap! Which is what she does! She makes fun of me; she threw me in a dryer with a wasps nest and made me moon Boy Scout Troop 324! And yet, I came back for more because we are friends. It’s not like the abuse Rick and I or Zach and I dole out to each other because that is 51% to 49% depending on who is drunker or having a shittier day respectively. As for Griff…I can’t stand that nigga. Havent since that Madden game in 1997. I really wanted to strangle him with the controller cord. The abuse from her is mainly one sided. I am always nice and never make fun of her ethnicity or height (or her constant saying of WHATEVER. The dictionary is full of words. FIND ANOTHER ONE!). Yet what does she do? Douse me with water and hook me up to a car battery. Yet…I came back for more. What would make me come back and still be friends with someone that treats me so poorly? Why would I want to cohort (Hmm…interesting word choice?) with someone who uses me for free sake? And sushi? And margaritas? What would bake me feel this way? Could it be? No…no way? It couldn’t be…lo…lo…oh my god it is. That is what I feel in my heart for her. What is this feeling? Does it have a name? Yes. Yes. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss. Lo…lo….loooooooooooooooooo…..

LOATHING


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am the burn master! Call me Dr. Burnenstien! Call me the Chach-dor the Burninator! Call me Chachi Blaze because I am on fire! Chachi on! Aahhhhhhhh, just kidding. Seriously, she is leaving and she is maybe my best friend at work. Not saying much but hey, a title is a title. I’m gonna miss ya, Kimmy. This is for you:

God, Barry Manilow AND Inuyasha? I’m kind of a dick. Seriously, have fun at the new job! You will be missed. Thanks for being a friend, kiddo. I don’t say it enough. I treat you like the Charlie Murphy to my Rick James. I’m sorry Kimmy, I was having a little too much fun. Eh, I’m no good with words. Maybe Randy Newman can use his basic observational songwriting to tell you.

Yeah, you always have a friend in me (oh, and Kingdom Hearts II is actually pretty damn good). Only good Randy Newman song.

Chachi Out

Gamer's Unite! W00T 43vA! (That means...w00t forever)

What is up, peeps! I am back after a double Hollywood dip yesterday, an Omnibus on Thursday and the Countdown on Friday. What can I say, I am a giver. So yesterday I went out looking for some video games for my new X-Box360 when once again I had one of those “parents kind of suck” moments. Now I have these once every few months or so when I go shopping for video games because for the most part no one monitors what goes on with them. Hell, no one even cares about video games until a GTA or a Mortal Kombat comes out. Meanwhile, Lesiure Suit Larry has been giving us digitized boobies for nearly two fucking decades and I never hear anyone get all up in their grill.

You know, as a gamer I am really against legislation and banning of games targeted for adults. I believe the job falls on the retailers and the parents to police what their children play. I'm sorry as but hard as being a parent is, parents need to understand that monitoring your children is YOUR job. Not the government, not Best Buy, and sure as hell not Rockstar. Stopping Rockstar from making games with violence isn't going to make children any less violent. It's just censorship, people. Besides, most violent video games are rarely purchased anyway due to quality. For every Grand Theft Auto, there is a 187: Ride or Die. Any kid that will buy attempt to buy a game solely because it has violence is not being parented or not that intelligent. To paraphrase Ron White, there is no fix for stupid.
Now this is a re-do of a blog I put up in March of 2006 about when I went to Gamestop and had to explain to a parent that getting their child a game called “25 To Life” may not be the best idea mainly because they would end up serving 25 to life if they played it. Since then, I have had to sit back and hear about the Hot Coffee scandal (to which all I can say is I had to see Samatha’s old naked ass on Sex In The City and I never got an apology for THAT), first person shooters (about the Virgina Tech shootings to which all I will say is if you cant fix stupid you sure as FUCK cant fix crazy. Tragic events but the man was not mentally healthy. Video games were only a small capture of his problems) and the Church’s beef with Sony over Resistance: Fall of Man (Um…your priests have sex with boys. Fix that first THEN worry about aliens having shoot outs in your digitized churches). You know, I honestly believe that developers have to take themselves to task for what they put out in their medium. I mean violence for the sake of violence is not cool. However…it is my CHOICE to decide what is violent. As a consumer and a video game fan it is my right and responsibility to decide not only what is healthy for me but what is healthy for my three out of wedlock bastards. I’m kidding, I have no children.

Now people have gotten in my grill (do the kids say that anymore?) about how I can’t have a truthful insight because I don’t have kids. That can be farther from the truth. I played Pokemon, a-holes! I raised 207 of them before the battery backup in the cartridge went bad and I lost them all. Unless you are Mormon or Mexican (or a Mexican Morman?) you cannot compete with my parenting skills! Maybe if you put your children in Pokeballs and had them battle to gain levels, your kids would be smarter. I’m just saying. You don’t see Pokemon mouthing off, shooting each other or getting pregnant at young ages. Hell, they stay in their ball and do as there are told, just like your kids should! Except Pikachu, but he rules all so there.
The fact is that monitoring in games is not about parenting or even parenting skills. It is about censorship. It's funny to me; I grew up during the videogame firestorm in the 90's and I had my share of violent games. They were trying to have games banned left and right from WarLords to Mortal Kombat to Sewer Shark to Night Trap. You know what? I never killed anyone. I never played Doom and decided to go on a killing spree. I never played Mortal Kombat and wanted to rip someone's heart out. You know why? Because I knew my parents would do the same to me if I even thought about it. My parents didn’t monitor me like a reality show. Yet, I never did anything out of the ordinary because of video games. Now I would scream 'HADOKEN' and make the fireball motion, but I knew that I couldnt ACTUALLY TOSS FIREBALLS. The fact is that we don’t need to run around banning games because we think kids don’t get it. You know why?

BECAUSE THE GAMES ARENT FOR KIDS!!

I bought Rumble Roses XX (Yes, I bought it. I am a lonely and desperate man!) and Gears of War when I got my X-Box360 (W00t, fishes! Fuck a PS3!) and I got ID’d for them. I am 26 years old and I got carded. I didn’t get pissed, it is what he is SUPPOSED TO DO. As a matter of fact, for every Mature game, he carded the person buying it there were a lot of people there that were buying the Crackdown game because of the Halo 3 demo (which on another note I actually like. Not really a Halo fan, but the beta rocked the box). Now, I saw three parents there buying the game for young children. I am a poor guage of ages but I would say they were all under 18. Now I am running under the theory that all retailers card their purchasers (and I can say I have always been carded) but if:

Kids can’t buy the games in stores
Kids can’t get credit cards to buy the games online
Kids can’t illegally download the games via peer to peer because parents are monitoring their kids internet usage (again, perfect world)

That would mean that the kids that always get a hold of these games that parents cause such an uproar about…were purchased by the parents themselves. Looking at this logically with the machine running as it should, there is no other way for them to get said games. There are safeguards to keep these games out of children’s hands already and if parents are usuping that then they have no on to blame but themselves.

Now the machine IS NOT perfect so I know that kids get the games from retailers. If there are rules in place to keep games away from the under 18 crowd and they don’t follow them then the RETAILER should be punished. If kids are buying the games online, where are they getting the credit card from? Its either stolen, which is a bigger issue altogether or its from the parents which once again is not the developers fault. As for the internet, if you read my MySpace and child safety rant you know that the internet is like Diddy; it can’t stop and it won’t stop. Neh eh, neh eh.

In the end, the responsibility lies with retailers to follow the rules, parents to monitor and teach their children and with the developers to consider the quality and content of the material. I do not let game companies off the hook because there are SO MANY CRAPPY GAMES OUT THERE! First off, having titties in a game is not a right, it is a privilege. Having them is a taboo because as we saw with Janet Jackson the only thing America fears more than terrorism and gays are titties. So a game with transgender terrorists in halter tops will never get made. Although I would play that if it used the Metal Gear Solid 3 engine. Back to the point, if you have nudity, excessive violence or cursing in a game to sell copies because your game sucks it dry then you should be stabbed in the face with a copy of Resident Evil 4 because that’s how you do violence right! And yes, I see the irony in that statement; that was the point. There are so many Mature games that rule all that I would never get to play if lazy parents, religious knuckle heads and Jack Thompson had their way. For all the gamers out there, if legislation for the government monitoring of video games passes these games would not be available to us:

Halo 3
Ninja Gaiden Sigma (which may be a good thing because that game is hard as FUCK)
GTA4
God of War III (That sound you heard? My fourth orgasm just thinking about it)
Heavenly Sword
Metal Gear Solid 4
Gears of War 2
Fallout

Not to mention several others! The facts are that the average age of video game players is 33 years old, which is 7 years older than I am. I have been gaming since I was…well born for the most part (Atari 2600, fool!) until last night and not ONCE have I ever contemplated violence based on it. Not ONCE have I ever emulated an act from a video game, and at least not known of the repercussions of any actions I did. Most importantly, my parents did not let me play games that they felt were not appropriate for me. I tell you, Christmas of 1994 was RUINED because I couldn’t get Mortal Kombat II. You know what? My parents raised me right and taught me that with the power to choose comes the responsibility to understand your choice and the repercussions. By taking away the right to choose the games that we as gaming adults find entertaining you are slowly taking away our liberties until all we are left with is Bubsy 3D and The Bible Game. All I have to say to that is unless Jesus is going all Kratos on the Romans I aint interested in no games with the Jew King. Hey, “Jesus of War!” Oh my god, that may be the greatest idea for a video game ever. He breaks off the cross and uses it as a weapon! How awesome (and tastily blasphemous) would that be?!

Long story slightly less long, censoring or stopping controversial games from being produced isn’t going to solve the problem. Education, acknowledging responsibility and monitoring will. Besides, who decides what is controversial? Mario Bros. had mushroom and flowers that gave you magic powers and ducks in turtle shells. Is that REALLY controversial? It is if you have done drugs and BOY HAVE I DONE DRUGS! It’s why I love the game so damn much. God of War had naked women and violence. It is documented that the Greek gods were a violent bunch. Not like they held hands, picked snapdragons and sang “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey all damn day. They were fucking assholes. Is being historically accurate controversial (okay, the accuracy of Greek gods is debatable but so is Jesus being the son of God so there)? Like I said, educate kids on what is going on in the games and if you believe they can't handle it THEN keep them from it. I find it awkward how parents don't want strangers to tell them they are being a bad parent, but by the government censoring what you feel isn’t worth your time to monitor is okay. By doing that, you are saying that you can't do your job as a parent and that you need to take the rights away of law abiding citizens because you cant make sure there are no titties in a video game. Congratulations, you are a fucktard. Ignorance, its spreading peeps.

You know I don’t like getting on my soapbox (riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight) but this has reached a boiling point with me. I am not against parents getting assistance to keep their kids safe by weeding out the bullshit, but I am against people taking my right away to play a game because the main character rips off the head of a Gorgon because they cant keep track of little Jimmy or Jessica. It isn’t they governments job to weed out the stuff that is bad for your kids. The power is YOURS!

Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out.

Everything Is Just Filler Until Transformers.

What is up, ya’ll! The weekend is almost over (BOOOOOO!) but all that means is that we are three weeks away from Transformers! More than meets the mother-fucking eye, fishes! God, this movie is either going to rock my face or suck more than anything has ever sucked. There will BE NO MIDDLE GROUND!

So this weekend was rather boring, seeing as I only have like $34 dollars and half a tank of gas until payday due to actually paying bills. Fucking student loans, not like I learned anything! Even with that, I managed to squeeze in two movies (One was free! W00T!) and some self-reflection into the weekend! But first it’s time for the return of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD DOUBLE FEATURE!

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer & Ratatoullie!

First off, Fantastic Four. For those of you that saw the first movie, you were either disappointed or indifferent. I was in the latter because I was never really much of a Fantastic Four fan as much as I was a Dr.Doom fan. Actually, I am more of a Twisted Toyfare Theater fan (CURSED RICHARDS!!!) but still. Rise of the Silver Surfer was…well…a rollercoaster. This is a movie that was like the 1991 World Series. There were cheer inducing highs and pride-shattering lows in this sequel. Let me start with the highs.

The Good:

The Hawtness: This movie was enough for me to see Jessica Alba and Chris Evans in skin-tight outfits. My god I nearly filled the cup four times alone just because of them. Jessica Alba is still my baby boo, despite what any pending lawsuits or current retraining orders say. Although she gets more racially ambiguous by the day (I don’t care about that as much as another pressing issue) she is still hawt but still needs to eat something. As for Chris Evans…DAMN. Jakey, Jakey makes my heart quakey! This movie stands up to the hawtness that was “300” and that’s hard to do because Spartans are the epitome of sexy.

Fantastic Effects: This was a shocker. This movie was more visually impressive in some parts than Spiderman 3 and even Pirates 3. The ending sequence (when they aren’t on the ground…ugh) was visually STUNNING and it showed what the Silver Surfer could do (Not many people know what his damn powers are. The power cosmic is up there with Scarlet Witch’s majik powers. God…I’m a nerd). Each characters powers were used for action, not just to do it like they were in the first movie. Silver Surfer was impressive (I am a sucker for liquid effects) and the flying sequences rival Superman Returns (which got a bad rap, solely for being too long and out of order. More on that if you want to know which I am sure you don’t) in terms of speed, clarity and quality. I was expecting some hokey stuff (Especially with the shoestring budges seeing as how they spent more on GHOST RIDER) but I was impressed!

Marvel’s First Family Is…A Family: Superhero movies with teams have been either good (X-Men 2: X-Men United, Hellboy) or bad (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). Never has there been a good “team comic book” movie. You know, that was one of the few bright spots of the first movie and really added to the second movie. These four are literally a family. There is actually a team dynamic (rather than it being Wolverine and The Pips) to this group that in my opinion adds to the movie. The acting (of Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm, anyway) is awesome and Reed Richards actually shows more of the Ultimate version of being a nerd but knowing “Asshole, I am smarter than you and you wont push me around” rather than the pussy of the first one. This movie had a team feel rather than a bunch of heroes tossed together for a crossover, which is what X-Men felt like. However….there were some bad things about this movie.

The Bad:

So…Plot?: My god. The plot had so much promise and then…nothing. They had Galactus AND Dr. Doom and still managed to not come up with a good plot! Although there was a kick ass plot twist (and fans of Dr. Doom will so have a “Geek Moment” when it happens) the movie itself flowed like some major shit was gonna happen and…nothing. Nothing at all. It went from a kick-ass battle to a SHITTY ass ending sequence which almost killed the movie had it not been so visually impressive. Spiderman 3 was all over done and Pirates 3 was all over the fucking place but Fantastic Four 2 had a great plot and just ass-fucked it Kobe style.

Can You Say Cheap?!: Holy fuck, half the sets were reused from X-Men 2. Seriously, the bunker looked the exact same. Hell, even the Dr. Doom scene in the hallway (Despite the awesomeness of it) was taken from the Magneto scene with the grenades in X-2 (Which was also awesome)! Oh, and the woods? Yeah, looks familiar…just like Elektra and X-2. Oh, and the final set was just….bad. China looks like an alley in California. For a summer blockbuster about the end of the world, it looked like that first Fantastic Four movie:

Yeah, that bad. This movie could have been so much more with some more money and adding the Skrull or the Kree to the movie. Anything to keep the crappiness out of the movie.

Let Us Never See A Jessica Alba Acting School: Okay, as attractive as she is Jessica Alba CANNOT ACT. I sat through Honey, Into The Blue and The Spelling Dictionary to find out she is maybe the worst actress ever. I am talking Maggie Gyllanhaal caliber here and that is BAD. What made this worse is that everyone else stepped up their game for this movie and she drug it down big time. Chris Evans played the brash Johnny Storm perfectly while Mike Chiklas and Ioan Gruffudd were good as The Thing and Mr. Fantastic. Hell, even Julian McMahon turned down the camp and made Dr. Doom the global threat he should be (Hell, the man stole the Beyonder’s powers AND is the second Sorcerer Supreme! He is bad ass). Meanwhile, Jessica Alba and her poor, high-pitched delivery made it seem like it was a high school production. That is not saying everyone was perfect (all had moments of cheese I could have rather done without) but they carried their parts well, unlike in Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3. Despite the advancement, the movie was SO BAD the first time that it really wasn’t a good jump.

All in all…I enjoyed this movie. Most people didn’t but I was expecting nothing and got a whole lot. I wasn’t disappointed because the highs of the Dr. Doom scenes and the fights and character building trumped out the horrible acting and downward spiral of a plot. This movie was above mediocre but no where near great. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer gets…

7 Out of 10 Stars!
(A real hit and miss. What it hit, it did fucking awesome in the character devolpment and the scope of the threat that was Galactus. However, where it missed it wiffed Sammy Sosa style. The plot went downhill at about the 1:12 mark (trust me, you’ll know) and the acting was subpar thanks to a very fine albacore around the casts neck. The movie gains a star for COSMIC DOOM! Oh, and half a point for a half-naked Chris Evans and Jessica Alba. It’s well worth a matinee and if you are truly a comic book movie buff; you will enjoy the few fanboy nods)

Oh, but I aint done! I got a free pass to see Ratatouille on Saturday from Fandango (Wow, I have been a user since 2002. That is pretty damn sweet I get free tickets from time to time) and even though Kimmy decided family is more important than free dinner and a movie hey, she missed out on some great viewing! You know what…this movie was fricking sweet! I despise rats (Zach will tell you) but this almost…ALMOST makes me see them as something to be liked. ALMOST. There was good and bad to this movie, but mostly good.

The Good:

Makes Shrek Look Like HAGIS!: Wow. I loved “Cars” but the animation was not up to par with some of the newer CGI films and not even up there with The Incredibles, Toy Story or A Bugs Life. Ratatouille changed that BIG TIME. I was impressed by the small things (the water, the hair, etc) in this movie that had such an attention to detail. Not only that, as one who only saw Paris for all of two days when I was like four it was an excellent recreation. Although the animation on the people was not as streamlined (which is the case for most if not all Pixar films) each character was animated to its part, unlike Shrek 3 where all the characters looked…well the damn same. Aside from Shrek and the animals there were no real differences mainly because J-Tim and Cameron Dumbass and the same person. Even still, the animation of this movie was top notch and really gave the movie a different feel from the rest of the CGI movies out there.

Sometimes, It Pays To Be Original: One thing Pixar movies can claim to be is original. Aside from Toy Story 2, all their movies are different and this one is no question. A movie about a rat that dreams of being a chef sounds stupid and for the first 5 minutes seems like it might be that way. However, you form a real attachment to Remy, much like Fivel in American Tail or Nemo in Finding Nemo. After a while you are drawn in and surprisingly enjoyning the movie. The movie paces well and like most Pixar movies has a fake climax. You know, where things go right only to find the real conflict which leads to the REAL climax and an ending that is not so perfect but even more satisfying than a standard happy children’s movie ending. Cars is a perfect example of that. You know, Pixar’s writing staff never gets as much credit as it deserves. The movies always LOOK great, but behind that movie is a great story that sometimes gets missed. This movie (aside from Finding Nemo) is the most story driven of the Pixar series because it is about RATS. That cook. Hard to make that interesting but they do it.

The Voices In My Head Won’t Stop!: Now the best work in voice acting in an animated movie not called The Lion King was Finding Nemo. Then comes The Incredibles and The Little Mermaid and after that…I am putting Ratatouille. The star power isn’t there but Patton Oswalt as Remy and Lou Romano as Linguini was a pretty good combo. They matched their characters visually and fit the overall scheme of the movie. Hell, even Janeane Garofalo played a good French woman! It isn’t about who you have, it is about what they do. Boise State knew it. The Spartans in “300” knew it. The Bad News Bears knew it. It is about how the characters go with the movie and these voices fit the characters perfectly. Oh, and it’s nice to see Brian Dennehy with work.

Normally this is where I would list the cons of the film. Shockingly…there were none. Seriously, I couldn’t find anything really bad about this movie. It was good, clean, family fun and had enough to keep any age interested. The biggest issue to get over is a rat being a chef and handling food. For you germaphobes, they handle that issue in the movie and is even covered by Remy in the first five minutes or so. Now I am no professional movie critic but I can say that each movie out this year aside from ATHFCMFFT had a con to it. However, Ratatouille was the best combination this year and unlike ATHFCMFFT you don’t need to leave the seed outside. You can bring it into the film! Overall, this movie was great and I believe that everyone will enjoy it. Master Chief Captain Chachi gives Ratatouille…

10 Out of 10 Stars!
(Arguably the best movie of the year so far. Whether you have kids, are just a kid at heart or tired of all the sequels and copies you should enjoy this movie. The voices are excellent, the animation is killer and most importantly the French are snooty. C’mon, you know its real talk. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed!)

Well, that was quite a post! God…Screech is a tool on Celebrity Fit Club. Sorry, had to get that out. Stay up, peeps!

Chachi Out

You Know, The French Are Not As Lame Now.

Well, a quick update:

1) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was much better than it had any right to be. I must say, that unlike the first one I actually enjoyed myself. It wasnt great by any means but as Marvel movies go, it was leaps and bounds above The Hulk and Gohst Rider but nowhere near the Spiderman series. Full review maybe tomorrow.
2) Ratatouille kicked ASS (TAKE THAT KIMMY! YOU MISSED OUT)! Best Pixar movie yet! Mainly because back in the day (I mean WAAAAAAAAY back in the day) I used to be a chef on the AFA but this movie was great! Better than Shrek 3, Pirates 3 and even Spiderman 3 (GASP!). I was kind of waiting for Patton Oswalt to rant in German. Those who have seen his comedy special know what I mean. If you have kids or just like a good movie, check it out! Full review tomorrow...I think.
3) I JUST GOT THE BI (RAIN) WORLD TOUR VIDEO! GAAAAAAH! This may just be the greatest weekend ever!
4) Borders doesnt enjoy Cambodian jokes. Just remember that in case you ever want to make one.
5) You cant stop the University of Virgina. You can only hope to contain them. Even if they are 1-8 and their only victory came against MAINE. What the fuck, have they been worth a shit since Matt Schaub graduated? How can they be kicking my ass like this?!

Well, I think I will update the blog tomorrow. Oh, and dont forget to watch the Robot Chicken: Star Wars Special tomorrow night on Cartoon Network! Its on at 11pm in Colorado for some fucked up reason. Check it out!

Chachi Out!

I Got Hit By Cosmic Rays Once...Now I'm Black. I Got GYPED!

IT’S FRIDAY! And it is about damn time, too! I needs to P-A-R-T-E-E!! Well, no more stalling, it is time for the Friday staple…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

First I have a new installment of something I haven’t done in MONTHS!

Bubbling Under!

First, we have a new video from a Japanese favorite of mine…

AI – I’ll Remember You

Hey, welcome back! It has been a LONG time since I had my AI fix and it is hella good to see her again. This video is simple goodness (reminds me a lot of Rascal Flats “Stand”) and the song is mid-tempo fun. A different vibe from “I Wanna Know” but still this is good stuff! Next there is a video from a band that is the antithesis of what I believe in…

My Chemical Romance – Teenagers

My god…I am afraid. When I first heard this song I knew there was a problem. It was emo, but it didn’t want to make me kill people. I tapped my toes to it and I was scared. Now there is a video and I have to download it because it is actually pretty damn good in a Marilyn Manson type of way. I don’t like emo kids, but some of the music has become pop/rock goodness (Evanescence, Fall Out Boy).

Well let’s get to the show! We start with a debut from a familiar face. The sexy familiar faces…

20. Foxxi Misq feat. Miss Monday – Party Booty Shake (New Entry)

Can this week GET ANY BETTER! The only thing better than one video on the Countdown from Foxxi MisQ is TWO videos on the Countdown by Foxxi MisQ! Not only do they bring me a sexy, saucy video for this song they also bring back Miss Monday! I haven’t seen her in a minute. Reminds me of Calypso from Pirates 3, though.
19. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #14)
So Miss Koda is on the verge of falling out of the Top 20 yet again. Her live rendition of “Sora” was pretty damn bad ass. And she was fully clothed! Well, as fully clothed as Kumi Koda gets these days. I like it when she gives me a little mystery. Here is to the video for “Run For Your Life” soon! I love that song!
18. Gackt – RETURNER ~Yami no Shuuen~ (New Entry)

YES! OH, MY FUCKING GOD YES! IT FEELS SO GOOD! GACKT IS FUCKING BACK! This video…has created a paradigm shift in how epic videos will be filmed from this point on! Anyone know where I can find subbed episodes of Fūrin Kazan? It is like 20 episodes in and I can’t find it (also haven’t TRIED very hard but still it’s FUCKING GACKT). Even still, this video RULES YOUR FACE. It is the front runner for Video of the Year, peeps. Oh, and he is hawt. Can’t forget that.
17. Enrique Iglesias – Do You Know (Last Week #20)
Speaking of hawt, Enrique burn up three places this week! This song has really grown on me (like most songs about heartbreak do because I am ‘teh heartbreak’) and the video has a nice mix of sexy and funny. Good stuff.
16. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #8, Plunge of the Week)
Well, the honeymoon is almost over. Avril falls EIGHT spots this week, out of the Top 10 and almost out of the Countdown! She had an awesome run (two weeks at #2 behind the nobodyknows+ month long reign) but she has had a steady decline since. A new single is out so a new video should follow!
15. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #13)
After hanging around for a long ass time (three months) outside the Top 10, Crystal Kay and M-Flo are finally falling. Man…I love Crystal Kay. And people poo-poo on interracial babies. She is a damn fine union of Black and Korean. To bad I am scared of Koreans or I could make babies like that.
14. Daddy Yankee feat. Fergie – Impacto (Last Week #16)

Daddy Yankee hops on Fergie’s manly shoulders and moves up two spots this week! This song is now on full rotation and Fergie makes me question my sexuality because from a distance she looks femine but up close she looks like Triple H with a nose job. SHE IS THE GAYEE-MUH!
13. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #11, one week at #1)
Yui is hawt. That is all. Oh, and this song pisses me off now. Solely the song, I still love Yui with all my soul and being. Just know that women are users, smoozers and losers. Jeri Blank, you said it sister.
12. L`Arc~en~Ciel – Seventh Heaven (Last Week #15)
Aahh, now this makes me feel better! Hyde and the gang are making their way up the Countdown this week with what may be the most…interesting video I have seen in a few months. Hell, it’s just good to see them back!
11. UGK feat. Outkast – International Players Anthem (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)
I CHOOSE YOUUUUUUU, BABY! This video moves up a BIG seven places this week, just outside the Top 10! Can the combined might of Outkast and UGK take the Countdown by storm? The are off to a great start! We have made it to the Top 10!
10. T.I. – Big Things Poppin’ (Last Week #12)

Well here is a familiar face! T.I. has his second Top 10 of the year and is looking for his 2nd #1 video to boot! This video, despite being standard fare isn’t all that bad and the song is just bangin. DAMN YOU MANNIE FRESH! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
9. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (Last Week #9)
Fall Out Boy stalls this week at #9. My god…I hate Tag Body Spray! DAMMIT, but I love this song! Oohhhh….the irony.
8. Foxxi MisQ feat Zeebra – Luxury Ride (Last Week #10)
This may be a big year for Foxxi Misq! It looked like Daughtry was running away with the Chachi for Best New Artist but now it may be more than a one horse race! With two videos on the Countdown AND an album in a few weeks they may be ready to put their stamp on 2007! Oh…and they are fucking hawt. Can’t deny that.
7. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #4, Four weeks at #1)
Hero’s fall down! Nobodyknows+ falls another three spots this week after a dominant run. Here is looking for something new from these guys! And when are they going to change the intro/outro for Naruto: Shippuuden? Just curious…
6. Abingdon Boys School – Howling (Last Week #7)

Hell yes. Abingdon Boys School is one step away from their first Top 5 video! Man, where in the fuck is their album?! GIMME NOW! Through playing around over here, I need my rock fix! We are into the Top 5 videos of the week, people!
5. Yui – My Generation (Last Week #6)
And here is a familiar face! Can we get a welcome back for Yui? Her hawtness has her 3rd straight video in the Top 5 and is looking to tie UVERworld and John Legend with three #1 videos with this one! Can she do it? Well, I got the single which means this is playing in the car so odds are high! Moving on…
4. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #2, One week at #1)
And sadly moving down. Yuna Ito falls two more spots after knocking the juggernaught that was nobodyknows+ from #1. Her new video at first was “meh” but after listening to it with the weather being not so bad it has really grown on me. And Yuna Ito in a dress? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! We are now ready for the biggest three rockin-est videos on the planet. And that’s way past Pluto.
3. Orange Range – Ika Summer (Last Week #5)

Orange Range has their 1st official Top 3 video! They have been working for a long ass time and have finally made it! This song kicks the ass and the video has finally out-shined the camp to grow on me. I’m a fan, and I hope you are! Two videos left…
2. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #3)

Rascal Flats moves up one more spot to the runner-up position this week with this video! It has been a long slow climb since March but they are looking to take #1 for the second time! Can they make it happen? If they do, they will have to try next week…
1. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #1, Two weeks at #1)

….because for the second straight week Maroon 5 holds down the throne! Now THIS is a get over it song! Have been playing this for about two days straight (along with Party Booty Shake, of course) and it is the mad notes! Duran Duran 2K7 forever! Congrats on the second week on top!

Well, that is all for this week peeps! Can Maroon 5 make it a 3rd straight week on top? Or can Rascal Flats make a ‘stand’ and take the #1 spot? Or can Orange Range continue their belated dominance and cap a career of excellence with a #1 video? Or will someone else jump up and take the crown from the kings? Tune in next Friday and find out! Until then, I will be back on Saturday (or Sunday depending on what I do) with a recap of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer! I don’t know why…I just will. Stay up, peeps!

Chachi Out!

I Stays Dropping The Knowledge For Ya'll!

What is up peeps! First off, for my Blogger peeps this is my 350th post! I want to thank you all for coming (189 new visitors this month and counting! It’s only the 14th!) and I hope you enjoy what you have read! Odds are…not so much. Welcome to the party, n00bs!

Well, it is Thursday and you know what that means! Cue up Loverboy for tomorrow because it is almost the weekend! Tomorrow is the Countdown and today I just have a real quick post because I have been getting a lot of questions from people of other races because…well usually I am their only Black friend most of the find. Being as that I am a good resource as a “Born Again Negro” (GOD DAMN THAT IS FUNNY!) I am mostly just sick of your fucking questions and misconceptions. So today it is time. Time to bust a rhyme? Nah, son it is time for…

Passion of Chachi Omnibus II: Black Man’s Burden Edition!

Today I will address the questions I have been asked over the last 12 months or so by other races because you are fuckers and I am sick of your ignorance. This coming from the guy that wants Turkey blown off the map. It’s Constantinople, GET IT RIGHT YOU SWARTHY BASTARDS! First off is a question that has been asked since that fateful day his car chase interrupted the Season Finale of Family Matters (OH, I was so pissed!)….

Question #1: Do Blacks Really Believe OJ Simpson Didn’t Kill Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman

Well…yes and no. You see, there is one word to describe Black people that they will damn near never admit: spiteful. At almost all junctures in time, Black people will take any opportunity to stick it to someone else, especially Whites. It’s why we support Barry Bonds (I don’t really give a fuck, I’m all about Andruw Jones), Kobe Bryant (Proof that anal sex with White women should only be done in movies by Lexington Steel) and R. Kelly (Who actually committed Black on Black urination but a “victory” for Blacks is a “victory” for Blacks even if it is Pyrrhic) so much.

The simple fact is that it is hard to kill two people with one knife. Hell, I couldn’t kill ONE ninja with TWO swords in Ninja Gaiden for the X-Box, so how can one aging Black athlete kill two White people with one shank? It is a rather far fetched thing to grasp because if I ever see somebody getting stabbed I am OUT. Just based on that fact alone, there is enough of a doubt for Blacks to say “Oh, he aint do that shit!” and that quite simply is all they need.

Okay, the real question isn’t if they think he killed them. Few Blacks will say yes because…well they have to keep the lie going. Now I cannot speak for anyone else for this but at the All Black Hands meetings (once a month or so at sometime in August or September. It’s like a party, it starts when people start rolling in) it is kind of accepted that we don’t ever say he did it. We all know he did though, but as long as it pisses off White people they will deny it. So Whites, stop getting upset and I guarantee OJ will say “Yeah I did it! I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it! Let’s take it to the stage!”

Answer: Of course OJ is innocent! (God, I must be the only Black person that thinks he DID do it. But I aint going to rock the boat)

Next is a question that I thoughally despise because once again, I am one of the few Black people going against the grain on this…

Question #2: Do All Blacks Really Love Watermelon?

Mother fuck. I hate this shit. First off, I will only have watermelon if there is no other fruit available. What?! A Black person that doesn’t like watermelon? Shenanigans! I have this conversation with Griff all the time because whenever I go someplace and I am offered watermelon I kindly say no. Black people look at me like I just raped their dog while Whites look at me like “No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!” Okay, I am going to level with you. Black people really do love watermelon, despite the racist stigma attached to it. Yes, they gobble it up the same way White people eat cantelope (I’ve seen you, White people!) and spit out the seeds rapid fire like in those offensive ass Warner Brothers cartoons. God, it even makes their lips shine and they make that retarded ass smile like sambo statues back in the 1920’s (Or 2005 in the South. Fuck the South). It is fucking disgusting. Even still…they love it. Yes, just like your encyclopedia says. Without fail, ask a Black person if they want some watermelon and after they kick your ass for being a racist prick (Which I didn’t, funny story if you want to hear it but I couldn’t kick her ass because she was different like that) they will say “Yes, that would be quite a tasty treat.”

Answer: Sadly yes. Chalk one up for Whitey.

Question #3: Do All Black People Love Fried Chicken?

Yes. Simple answer. Yes, that stuff is DELICIOUS! Hell, all people love fried chicken! It is the tastiest off all the fried poultry! I hate how every neighborhood with a Black majority population has a Popeyes (And a gun store, liquor store, check cashing location and a Korean market. No shit, it is infuriating) but hey it’s good eating! White people eat fried chicken, too! They just don’t glorify it as much because you all are faking the funk. Or faking the fowl. So yes, your assumptions are right. Although I will say that it’s not just fried chicken. Barbequed, baked, broiled, sautéed, braised, rotisserie it doesn’t matter. Chicken is the flavor of life, fuck a Lifesaver candy!

Answer: Fuck yeah. Fried chicken is good and good for you!

Question #4: Juice vs. Drink. What is the deal?

Okay, you heard Dave Chappelle mention it and Griff, Carl and I used to talk about this all the time when we had real jobs and got to partake in this mythical ‘juice’ the wealthy had been enjoying for so long. I tell you what, as good as juice may be, nothing cools you down on a hot ass summer day than a tall glass of icy cold grape drink. Juice doesn’t quench thirst! It mixes with alcohol and that is about it! I mean, using orange drink in a mimosa just doesn’t see…right. An “apple-drink-tini” sounds gayer than an “appletini” and trust me, as one who will divulge in an appletini every now and again (not as much now) I know that drink is as queer as Kansas City in springtime. Wow….I don’t even get that joke. I remember Griff was my roommate I went and got me some jugs of juice from the Mart and I was as happy as Akon at a Trinidad all-girls school Homecoming dance. Remember the jugs of juice, Beth? They were actually jugs of DRINK! Wasn’t no juice in them jugs! You know what? It was still tasty as all hell! The simple fact is drink is cheap, tasty and multi-purpose. You can have drink for breakfast (Fortified with NO essential vitamins or minerals, fishes!), lunch (Let me get a #1 and a medium orange drink!) and even at night (SHAWTY LET ME BUY YOU SOME APPLE DRAAAAAANK! See, if T-Pain said that his song may not be so shitty. Naaaaah…)! Juice is really only for breakfast. Hell, you can’t even get orange juice after 10:30am in most places! You can get yo drank on 24/7!

Answer: Drank is nutritious, delicious and most importantly BALLIN! Although I am all about that Cherry Limeade. That’s the only real good juice.

Question #5: What is With Grillz, Spinning Rims, Spinning Chains, Gaudy Chains, LED, Belt Buckles, Jeweled Crucifixes, White Tees, Those Technicolor Dream Coat Nikes, Sidekicks, Jeweled Belt Buckles and any other God Awful Fashion Trend?

Simple answer for this one.

Answer: Niggas and their money are soon parted. The stupider and more expensive the better.

Bonus Question!!!

Question #6: What is with Snapping, Crumping, Walking It Out, Hyphy and the New Dances?

*Sigh* Well, after about…sixty years of being trend setters (The only real dance craze that wasn’t based of something Blacks did was The Lambada. It’s the FORBIDDEN DANCE) they have finally run out of ideas. The last real cool dance was the Harlem Shake.

Even that went to the wayside due to the dislocated shoulders that occurred from it. I remember I popped my shoulder back in 2003 at that Latino Student Union dance; I was out of commission for two month from the dance floor! I was back in time for the “Shoulder Lean” though. The fact is for the most part everything has been done. That’s why so many women are dancing like strippers. They all aren’t morons (a good 60% are, though), they just have no new dances and no originality. Besides, my dances don’t take off, and I have been putting in work! Over the last 3 years I have created:

The Clock (WHAT TIME IS IT?! PARTY TIME!)
The Rodeo Phone
The Manual
The Secretary
The Lollipop Guild
The Lumberjack
The Blue MeanieThe I Like Your Booty But I’m Not Gay
The Machine Gun
The Power Ranger
The Slalom
The Jesus (That….didn’t go over so well)
The Butt Magnet (Not how it sounds. Wait, it is exactly how it sounds)
The Chattanooga Choo-Choo (WHOO-WHOO!)
The Pirate

And not a ONE TOOK OFF! Well, The Clock did that one time at Graham Central Station but that was YEARS ago. The fact is that the days of The Running Man, The Roger Rabbit, The Bus Stop, The Kid ‘N’ Play Kick Step and even The Electric Slide are over. We are stuck with…well what we began with. Shucking and jiving…err…”Chicken Noodle Soup”

Man, fucking Black people. I will be waiting in the fields in Alabama with a bale of cotton singing “Dixie”.

Note, peeps. This is all in fun! If you take this seriously and think I am the mouthpiece for all the Black people (and you 17 fucknuts that want to be referred to as African-American) then you my friend are a nerd. I will be back tomorrow for the Top 20 Video Countdown. Until then, stay up. I’m gonna go and get me some DRANK!

Chachi Out.

In A Perfect World, Marvin Gaye Would Be Pissing On R. Kelly's Head From Heaven...

What is up peeps?! Four days in a row?! You know, I really spoil you guys. But that’s how I roll, I am all about the people; the party people. Guess what? For the first time in a LOOOOONG time, it is rant time! I give to you…

The Rage of Chachi: R&B Music

Well, I was going to do a rant about the State of R&B Music today. Then I realized something. I could sum it up rather easily:

R&B SUCKS!!

How I miss the days of LeVert, Freddie Jackson, Troop and Ready For The World! Remember Guy?

JAAAAAAM! WHOA, JAAAAAAAAAM! Back before Aaron Hall was a woman beater, he was a sanger. Back in the day (god I feel old) R&B meant something. Now I don’t mean in the 60’s and 70’s because even though I LOVE old school R&B it was before my time. Even though it is all my parents listened to aside from Keith Sweat and I have a full knowledge of the OLD school not many do. Even in the 80’s and early 90’s there were still some relevant R&B groups. Remember Boyz II Men? They turned the world on its ear when they came out! I used to love Hi-Five! You know what? Tony Thompson, the lead vocalist of Hi-Five died with very little fan fare a few days ago. All I heard from niggas were JOKES about Hi-Five. You know what, asshole? Without groups like Hi-Five, Boyz II Men, SWV and even Jade (A free RC cola for anyone that can name 3 of their songs!) making the crossover, trifling ass groups like Next (Remember them? When is their ‘next’ album? Fuckers), Jagged Edge (‘We aint getting no younger we might as well do it?’ Women, if ANY of you got married to or love this song you should be slapped in the fucking face) even…Pretty Ricky (WONT THESE UGLY NIGGAS PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!) would have no where near the platinum success that they had. First off, this is in ‘restecp’ to Tony Thompson:

Big Up’s Ya-self.

Back to my rant. It seems all R&B music has become is:

Stupid niggas in no shirts whining over some bitch because he’s heartbroken (usually because he cheated. Well, shitlock if you didn’t cheat she wouldn’t leave. I despise the actions of women but if you stopped fucking them over we wouldn’t need these songs)
Some bitch whining about not needing no stupid nigga in her life cuz she’s ‘independent’ which usually means she thinks that being a whore is vindicating to women (It’s a cycle. Don’t be an idiot and your man won’t cheat. It’s simple)
White dudes with a voice that doesn’t sound like a 13 year boy going through puberty (aside from Robin Thicke who I love but fix your voice and FIX IT NOW. Falsetto is cool when you are 12. And only when you are 12. You are no less than 25, FIX IT)
Young ass fucktards with no shirts running around talking about sex to minors (No, I don’t mean R. Kelly. Usher, Omarion, Chris Brown, Ne-Yo, Mario and so on. MICHAEL JACKSON IS NOT A GENRE OF FUCKING MUSIC! STOP IT!)
Half dressed trollops dancing around like strippers singing about not being whores (Shut up, you are wearing the uniform. And before you sit back and say ‘Hey, you listen to Kumi Koda and she don’t wear no clothes’ understand that Kumi Koda is Japan’s version of Britney Spears sans breakdown. That and shut up. My blog, my rules)
Sisqo (I have no idea what to consider him, so I put him in his own scary category)
Neo-Soul (Which is fucking stupid. I love Musiq, Jill Scott and John Legend but they aren’t ‘neo’ soul. THEY ARE FUCKING OLD SCHOOL R&B! Or at least as close as we are going to get anytime soon)

The last one REALLY pisses me off. The reason they are called that is because R&B/Soul has been bastardized to the point that no one really knows what it is anymore. Hell, was Ja-Rule R&B? He sung more than he rapped (Or at least sung BETTER than he rapped. Eh, I liked the Ja Rizzo: Black Cookie Monster) and his beats were rather smooth. The line between R&B in the last few years has been solidified, unlike in the mid-90’s to early this decade from the New Jack Swing movement to the G-Funk Era. To Bad Boy coming in to prominence with old R&B hooks/beats and even as recent as Murder Inc. The phenomenon of having an R&B singer do the hook for EVERY FUCKING RAP SONG that was shoved down our throats in 2004. Now that shit is happening again and I don’t think R&B can survive and that hurts.

Look now. Every fucking rap song has either Akon or T-Pain (or as I call them The Black Plague) on the hook. Don’t even get me STARTED on R. Kelly’s pissing ass being all over the radio and streets like 9/11 jumpers. Too soon? Anyway, aside from the Axis of Evil we have what? Mario, Usher, Marques Houston, Joe (who I still dig) and Ne-Yo singing…sad ass songs about some dumb bitch that broke their heart. Which I should be down for but cant I just have a song about having a party? Marvin Gaye style? When they aren’t singing about having their heart broken, they are singing about…sexing up every woman in sight. Pretty Ricky and Chris Brown, I am looking at your stupid asses. It all pretty much fucking sucks.

As for females, it’s even WORSE. Remember back when Mary J. Blige, Monifah (I liked her songs!), Brownstone, SWV, Total, Faith Evans, Lauryn Hill and others were making music? Not just any music, GOOD MUSIC. Hell, even three years ago we had Floetry, Alicia Keyes, Angie Stone, Jill Scott and Erykah Badu out there at least TRYING to give the women of R&B a voice. Now who do we have? Beyonce and Rhianna. Dis-fucking-gusting. Those bitches SUCK. If you are female, and you like them, YOU SUCK TOO! They have no (and I mean NO) redeeming qualities in their music. None at all. ‘Upgrade U’ may be the most ASININE song ever written. Wait…’Umbrella’ is the most asinine song ever written. Take your pick; they both make me want to deliver an F-5 to a puppy. You may say Ciara, Fantasia or Jennifer Hudson but Ciara has no real backing and she is mainly living off of dumping Bow Wow right now. Fantasia will forever be in the shadow of other Idol winners and Jennifer Hudson should stick to movies and Broadway. Something tells me she won’t be a major star in R&B because she is actually...well, good.

So after all of this ranting, what is the solution? Especially since virtually none of my friends (all five or so) listen to R&B anyway. Well, I am going to do exactly what people are doing with hip-hop now: demanding change. 50 Cent pushed his album back because the response to his two singles were not lukewarm, but blinding rage against his rabbilla ass (A mix of rabbit and gorilla. I’m trying new things out). MIMS is well on his way to being a one-hit wonder and most artists are cleaning up their lyrics. I am sick of R&B songs ALWAYS being about ‘baby take me back’ or ‘baby I don’t need you’ because after a while it gets repetitive. I’m tired of the same trifling songs from female artists about jewels and cars (You know, I understand why female R&B artists date male rappers. They are both materialistic as FUCK). I am tired of the borderline perverse songs from barely post pubescent teenagers (male and female) that just make both men and women look stupid. I’m not saying every R&B album should sound like John Legend or Jill Scott (It couldn’t hurt, I tell you what) because variety is good. Repetitive crap however is not good.

Well, that is all for now. Had to get that off my chest. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

It's All About The Pentiums!

I have some sad news, peeps. After seven years, three lightning strikes, several upgrades and no less than 17 reformats and rebuilds I decided to knuckle up and buy a new desktop. I got a laptop last year as a supplement but I need a desktop, just more comfortable with one.

Seeing as I have two internal 300 GB hard drives (plus a 400GB and 300GB external AND a 120GB backup for music and a 160GB hard drive I cant find that I was going to use for my modded X-Box), a 256 video card (and a 512 that DIED on me. fuck NVIDIA), IEEE card, 5.1 speakers, wireless keyboard/mouse and a 20 inch flat panel the system is bare bones. Hell, everything in that tower was new (hell the tower was maybe a year old itself) minus the processor, which was an old school 3.0 GHZ Pentium IV when it was brand spanking new. It was the fastest shit out there…in 2001. This morning the computer wouldn’t boot from the correct hard drive and I just said it is time to knuckle up and do this thing. It has been rebooting for no reason (as Monie can tell you) sometimes three to four times in succession and the temp on that bad boy, despite constant cleanings and tower upgrades is always up there and is constantly running hot to the point of insanity. Most of that was having so much stuff hooked up to it all the time and leaving it running back when I was a MiRC/edonkey server back in the day. Full Metal Alchemist? I was your hook up! Holler if you hear me! I am going to call Ted to see what other tests I can run on the unit but from what I can tell, the only problem is that it was over worked.

With that being said, there is a high probability that I am going to rebuild it and either use it as a file server when I FINALLY get my own place or use my pieces from my other old computers (still have an old AMD laying around with a GeForce 3 card somewhere in the house) and give it to some of the technology deprived (Rick, Jen, etc.) Of course, before I do that I have to make sure it isn’t a MAJOR problem like an ATA controller failure or an overheated and fried processor. That will make it as useless as Peyton Manning in a flexbone offense. PLEASE someone get that joke.

So after some MAJOR internal bickering (I have been an AMD guy since Denver Tech), I decided to go with the Intel Dual Core processor over the AMD Live 64. All the competitive information had both being even in terms of processing power (it was like picking L.T. over Reggie Bush. You either chose flash and potential or consistency and overall performance) with each having a slight edge in niche categories. I am in the middle of everything since I don’t do a lot of one thing but a little of all things. So doing that, the Intel was a better performance and surprisingly a cost choice. A lot of what I have I can put into my new system while the AMD reps were kind of ‘well it SHOULD work, but you may want to ask Microsoft’. That and I gave my mom my old AMD Gateway computer and she had the motherboard replaced 4 times because of bulging caps. Computer people know what I mean. So I have now owned 2 AMD Althlons (a 750MHZ an a 1.4GHZ) and now three Intel (3.0 GHZ and now a 1.86 Dual Core laptop and desktop) systems and all I can say is….IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PENTIUMS, WHAT?!

Chachi has joined the next-gen in computer technology…for the next 3 days or so. You got to love the world of computers. Even still, I am going to miss P-Fizzy. We have been through some rough times like those lightning strikes and when I didn’t put the studs under the motherboard (keeps it from touching metal. VERY STUPID ON MY PART!). We also had some good times, like the time I played Age of Empires online. That was good stuff. Sigh, I am talking about my computer like it’s a person. Well…we did watch a lot of porn together. Let’s just say I had three external hard drives for a reason. What is even worse is I DELETED IT ALL! Dammit to hell! I did get 300 gigs of hard drive space out of cleaning up my act. Silver lining peeps. Silver lining. Stay up, peeps!

Chachi Out.

It Shall Come To Pass!

Oh, snap its Monday! It’s the beginning of the work week and I am back on the scene! Wow, an Omnibus yesterday AND a new post today? I spoil the peeps, what can I say? First things first, I need to get something off my chest:

SIXTY EIGHT!

Sixty eight fucking friend requests since Sunday morning on MySpace. First off, I don’t even have five friends now and I bet even FEWER want to become my friend. So SASSY18XXX and flirty1990 I don’t want to be your friend. EVER. Stop filling up my inbox with this shit, I don’t know what the benefit but if I find who is doing this I am going to piss on their damn cat. And that’s from the heart.

You know, there are some things out there that need to be stopped. For those of you who are down for The Revolution (pretty much Zach right now) I believe that it is time to set some guidelines. Seeing as how I have ‘megalomaniacal tendencies coupled with histrionic narcissism and delusions of grandeur’ I was bound to create a new Ten Commandments anyway. Oh, and I was actually called ALL of those things in college except ‘histrionic’ but seeing as how often I get ‘attempted surprise sex’ forced on me over the last year or so maybe I DO exude inappropriate seductiveness. In other words, I’m kind of a slut.

Back to the piz-oint. It is about time that I laid down the groundwork of The Revolution! The Revolution is about bucking current rules! To…create new ones. Christianity did it, and at least I am consistent! Oh, and I’m not a Jew. Now peeps, I give to you the laws that will shape the new Chach-topia (I’m working on it, a-hole)! I give to you the first installment of…

The Rules of Chachi!

Rule #1: Pop Thy Collar, Get Popped In Thy Fucking Face.

This goes to bros and preppy Black people. Popping up the collar is cool for three people and three people only: The Fonz, John Travola (Saturday Night Fever ONLY) and Patrick Swayze. That is it. Popping your collar up is to bros like extended feathers is for peacocks and heat is for cats. You are asking for an ass shellacking. Seriously, combined with DMB and Mario Party it is the mating call for the bros. Besides, it is fucking stupid looking. After the Revolution, there will be a place for people who flip their collars up on purpose. That place is bent over a bunk in prison getting pounded like taiko drum because being a bro will be an offense punishable with jail time.

Rule #2: Being A Whore Will Be Rewarded

This is the ultimate in negative reinforcement. For every five people you sleep with that you never come into contact with again (one night stands, fuck buddies, etc.), you get a stripe. Just like in the military! Once you hit 50, you then get a star and for every 10 above that you get another star! The thing is that the stars and stripes are tattooed. Not so nice, is it now? That way, everyone knows your path in life which leads into your fucking pants and everyone knows it. Not only that, the stars are colored in reference to what kind of sex it was. Anal gets a brown star, oral gets a white star and so on and so forth. Any woman that engages in bukkake or DVDA automatically becomes a 5-star slut general! Any man that takes part in a gang-bang/surprise sex or DVDA gets only one star. Except every time he does it, the star is tattooed on his fucking wang. Better make it count, asshat! Why am I doing this? Because if you are going to put yourself out there, might as well let the world know. The Revolution will not allow skanks and gigalos! We don’t want to pee fire.

Rule #3: Ballin Out Of Control! I Wouldn’t.

As we know, The Revolution will be BALLIN! However, within reason will it ball. Excessive ballin will not be tolerated. There will be a tax for every piece of bling blong you wear over 3 chains, one watch and one earring (Two for the ladies. Ladies gotta shine, too!). Also, any entourage over 10 people is susceptible to fines up to $20,000 per person over the limit. Oh, and for the video ‘vixens’ no more than three videos per year. Sick and tired of every other city I go. In every other damn video. Hell, no matter where I go I am seeing the same hoooooes.

Owners of vehicles with any technological advancement that cost more than THE VEHICLE THEY ARE IN will be fined severely. There is no need for a fucking $2,000 TV screen and a $1,000 sound system in a 1987 Cutlass. Speaking of cars, any rim above the size of 20” MUST BE ON AN SUV. I know you just bough 24” rims but lets face it, they don’t look cool on a Ford Taurus. Oh, and spinning rims are done. No Reggie Miller or Meatloaf comebacks. Give them up, they were stupid in 2004 and they are stupid now. Punishment for having these is having the ball bearing removed. R-tards.

Rule #4: Being A Whore May Be Rewarded, Dressing Like One IS NOT.

Okay. Ladies, this is mainly for you but the men don’t get off easy. First off, half jackets are not cool. Either get real coat or go without. Second off, fur isnt murder. It is just fucking tacky as hell. Any woman caught wearing fur will have to fight the animal that fur came from to the death. If it’s synthetic, they have to fight LaToya Jackson Gladiator-style. For any woman wearing a belt that doesn’t actually HOLD UP THEIR PANTS, she will be lashed 5 times with said belt. I will do the lashing. Giggity!

Any woman that complains about her feet hurting in shoes that look like a tourniquet will be clipped by Ric Flair. He needs the money, anyway. I am sick of women complaining about how their feet hurt after ‘dancing’ for several hours and drunkenly staggering from club to club in shoes that look like a gothic torturing device. Shut the fuck up and invest in some god damn Keds or something. Oh, and heels aren’t for everyday situations just like tennis shoes aren’t on the male side of fashion. Fashion is one part style, one part comfort and one part originality. Remember that. Only then can you truly be CHACHI FAB-YOU-LOUS!

For the men… WEAR A SHIRT THAT FITS! Seriously, it’s great you work out. I don’t and I am not jealous. However, I am fat as fuck and I still manage to find clothes that fit. Do the same. Men in tight shirts with be put into a vice and squeezed until their eyes almost pop out of their fucking head. Either that, or poked with a needle in that one big vein on their arm so the shoot blood out like a fountain until they sadly bleed to death. The shirt wasn’t such a good idea now, was it?!

Ladies…cover your ass. The Revolution is sponsored by big booties and curvy hips but come on. I don’t need to see your ass crack OR your gully hole. For every woman that wears something that doesn’t cover her goods she will not be allowed to be upset for any fucktard that films her wearing such and posts it on the internet. Sucks to be stupid, your gully hole becomes public when you don’t cover it up adequately.

Lastly, boobs. Put them away. You have them, so the hell what. If you don’t want them looked at, cover them up. If people still look and they are covered up, then you have a beef. The Revolution doesn’t stand for men being perverts, but it also doesn’t stand for women being stupid. If you wear something that shows or can show areola then you have no valid complaint for anyone staring. Oh, and do not push them together. It’s not cute, it screams ‘money shot’ and that’s about it. Congrats, you are one step away from porn. They at least get PAID to take a shot in the face. Or a LOT of shots to the face (see Jasmine Byrne. She is a champ!) but porn stars are rather well compensated, on the other hand you may get several drinks, a night you forget and a lifetime of regret. Yay, alcohol and poor decisions! Speaking of alcohol…

Rule #5: Alcohol Is Not A Defense for Stupid

The Revolution is powered by Malibu/Captain Morgan/Grey Goose. That is a known fact. That being said, the Revolution will drink responsibly. Alcohol will not be an excuse for:

• Cheating (Yeah, I went there bitch. Personal issue, let’s move on shall we?)
• Any Kind of Abuse (Physical, verbal or mental. That shit is not cool. That goes DOUBLE for women. A drunk woman threatening you is a lose-lose for a man no matter what happens, let me tell you)
• Random Stupid Sexual Acts In Public (Yeah, I need to practice what I preach…)
• Random Stupid Sexual Acts In Private (Yeah, I need to practice what I preach…again. Even worse, I don’t even remember it. Absinthe, its GRRREEN!)
• Saying Something You “Wouldn’t Say” Sober (I am going on the record that 92% of what I say drunk I would say sober, just faster and not preceded by ‘You don’t know…you…you don’t know!)

Long story short, ‘Baby I was drunk!’ will not be allowed as a defense after The Revolution. I actually considered banning alcohol altogether after the take off of mojitos (can I have ANY-FUCKING-THING anymore?!) but then I realized something: RUM RULES ALL. Pirates knew it. Sinatra knew it. The Carthaginians knew it and now you do. Besides, there is nothing wrong with a casual drink every now and then. Hell, I really don’t see anything wrong with drinking in excess if you aren’t going to be a fucktard or going to drive (Of which I do both. W00T! God, take a joke…I’m not a fucktard when I’m drunk). I DO see something wrong with blaming the alcohol for your dumbass decisions or using it as a crutch to get through tough spots of your life (Which I didn’t do. I used PORN to get through the tough parts of my life, thank you very much) and in the Revolution it will not be accepted. After two dipshit moves, you are barred from drinking for 30 days. After a third time, its six months and forced rehab on how to handle your drinking. You see, it isn’t about not doing it. It is about doing it in moderation and to please the voices in your head about kidnapping Sarah Michelle Gellar and forcing her to do one more season of Buffy. Not…that I do that or anything.

I will be dropping the rest of the Rules of Chachi on you soon. The Revolution will have order! It will also be about the ladies. Songs for the ladies and jheri curls!

Yeah, now THAT is how you end a post. Stay up peeps.

Chachi Out.

Strap On Your Helmet, IT'S GAME TIME!

What is up, people! It is Sunday and sadly since all the movies (except ‘Surfs Up’ which I heard was pretty good) sucked it dry this weekend there will sadly be no Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood this week. However, next week I will be in the theater to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I really….don’t know why, but I will be there. I for some reason am interested to see whole quasi-Super-Skrull plotline is going to work. Rather than just USING the damn Super-Skrull. But hey, to each their own.

Now that I have calmed down about the job situation (things worked out and it is what it is for everything else) it is time to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I have been receiving a lot of questions and several things have come up that I am SO going to comment on as I bring to you the FIRST OF…like…two, maybe three…

PASSION OF CHACHI OMNIBUS!

Ahh, ‘Ask A Ninja’. Is there anything you can’t do? Of course not, he is a fucking NIN-JA! Can I get a blang-blang?! So let’s get this party started right!

Why do you hate bros so much?

Because they suck. Seriously, in real time and each other. They ruined Axe Body Spray, polo shirts and visors for the rest of us. By the way, what in the fuck is the point of wearing a visor upside down, anyway? Black people did it for like a week after Serena and Venus Williams took off and then bros just took it and ran with that bitch. Oh, and ‘shaaaa!’ isn’t a FUCKING WORD YOU ASSHOLES! God, I despise them. Oh, and Halo doesn’t kick that much ass. Curb the hard-ons, save them for the all night Jack Johnson listening/ass rape sessions.

What is with the Yuna Ito obsession?

She is fucking hot, that’s why. I mean these women are devaluing themselves at an alarming rate much like those dumb females that are supporting Paris Hilton right now. She broke the law, she was given a sentence and she needs to deal with it. The end. That bitch couldn’t give two shits about your copy-cat ass, anyway. Anyway, back to Miss Ito. She can:

• Sing (Which 90% of her American competition can’t do. Looking at Christina, Jennifer Hudson…um…Kelly Clarkson and….um…that’s about it. Wow, the state of female pop is worse than R&B as a fucking whole)
• Dance (Which 95% of her American competition can’t do…without looking like strippers anyway. Rhianna, I am looking at your funny nosed, steroid using ass)
• Speak three languages (Japanese, Korean and English. Oh and Hawaiian but I don’t consider that a laungage. Guess what...YOU ARE FUCKING AMERICANS! DEAL WITH IT! Just kidding, I respect your culture and blah-blah-blah yakkity smackity)
• Look HAWT in an evening gown (Okay, I will give a little higher nod to Mandy Moore. Because….I love her and she WILL LOVE ME. Wow, Jen is right. I am kind of creepy)
• Look HAWTER in regular clothes (Watch the ‘Losin’ video. Just watch it and keep your hands on the keyboard)

To top it all off, she is Asian. And as you know, it goes Asian, Latina, every other race and then right under the green bitches that Captain Kirk wrecked is Black woman. It’s just better for both of us that way. Which brings me to my next question I have been asked a few times.

Do You REALLY Hate Black Women?

The quick answer is ‘no’. I have nothing against Black women at all, they’s cool. The long answer is that my experiences have been less than stellar with Black women (and…well, women in general for that matter) both casually and relationship wise. Yes, I make jokes about how much I don’t like them and there is truth in that humor. They really DON’T like me because I am not ‘real’ or a ‘thug’ and that is fine. A total personal preference. At the same time, they bitch and comlain about not wanting a ‘strong, Black woman’ because the majority of my friends are white (about 4 of the 9) and most importantly I am never seen with a Black woman. Well, I was in college (she was cool, too) but SHE was dating a WHITE MAN! How is THAT for in your face?! See, life can be Shakespeare. The simple fact is that I don’t ‘hate’ Black women because I am not around them enough to say so. I am not a fan of my past (and few current) interactions with Black women and from that is where my humor and comments come from. That and I have been called ‘uppity’ by more than three Black women (people still USE THAT WORD?) and I still hold a grudge. Eh, thems the breaks. Keep your hands inside the Chachi-mobile at all times because we are rolling on!

What Do You Feel About The War?

It’s still going on?! Wow…Paris Hilton really IS dominating the news. I guess when it all breaks down….I’m for the war and against the troops. That way, everyone is pissed off! Did you pack your lunch? Because we are going to SCHOOL, BITCHES!

What Is Your Stance On Abortion?

Hell, it’s easier than toddler murder. FREE HAT! FREE HAT! Too far? I have not yet begun to offend! Just kidding, I really don’t care. I can’t pop out babies, not do I want to. All I can say is that I chose life for Kandice and my children and it was the WORST FUCKING MISTAKE I EVER MADE! They ruined my figure, she left me for someone else and those fuckers have been a thorn in my side ever since! Killing kids and it not being considered 1st degree murder? Fan-fricking-tastic! Again, kidding. Don’t believe those Focus on the Family commercials about abortion being murder because the fetus is living. People don’t have souls until they are 12 years old. It’s fucking science. Until then, they are fair game. You know, I believe that abortion is a low-grade version of manifest destiny. Ye without a flag and cannot speak the language of those in power have no choice in what happens. Apply that to abortion…I’m just saying it makes perfect sense, okay?! Geez, let’s keep this party MOVIN, MOVIN!

Is Your Luck With Women Really That Bad?

Rick? Zach? Kandice? Griff? Anyone want to speak up about this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I am born to undo myself. Hell, I am in the SAME situation now that I was in a year ago at this time. Which means my life sucks ‘teh balls’ but at the same time…I have to say no. I mean I am TOTALLY oblivious to my surroundings despite my genius. Odds are that I am missing on women hitting on me because there is no way in FUCK I could be this unpopular. I mean, people like me? Kind of. It’s not like high school where I was just kind there. I mean I’m rather social (no matter what women have said about me being anti-social) and personable. I don’t call women ‘bitch’ or ‘whore’ unless they are. I shower everyday and try to dress like I don’t pattern myself after a Young Jeezy video. I have a rather extensive vocabulary and since I do get more that 4 readers to my blog a day I would have to say I’m rather funny. So why in the hell do the a-holes get the chicks?! Eh, I don’t know but I have my theories. Doesn’t matter, none of this matters. However, at the end of the day I haven’t been hit with mace in a few months and I have only had two…three girls cry on me in the last 9 months so I am doing pretty damn sweet on the lady side! Aim low, never disappointed. Commercial break!

Poison and Crossfire? Fuck yeah! Now for a question that has been asked A LOT over the last six months that I addressed earlier but niggas don’t read…

Chachi, Are You ‘Teh Gay’?

No. Flat out, no. What I enjoy may be in line with what people associate with behavior and the lifestyle of the gay community (grooming, theater, complete sentences, etc.) but a major component of what makes you ‘gay’ is gay sex. Not sure about you, but that doesn’t appeal to me no matter HOW hawt Bi is, and he is Pompeii if you get my drift. Hell, straight sex is a conundrum to me and I have the manuals! I like what I like and I talk about what I talk about. Seeing as how I have been asked no less than twelve times (that I remember so it was probably more, but as people can attest to I was a total lush last year so 2006 was a fucking mish mash montage set to ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter’) whether I am gay or not in a public, social or professional atmosphere I am beginning to see that what I do and how I act aren’t perceived as ‘normal’ for a man, especially at my age and single. You know what? I don’t care. Never really have but it gets annoying to have to hear the question every other day. I mean I joke about it all the time but it has gotten to the point that I am so far from the male norm that if I were bust out of the closet like Kool-Aid no one would bat an eye. To which I say ‘suck it dry’ because Wicked was FUCKING AWESOME, I like Garnier Fructis (does wonders for your ends!), Matthew McConaughey is FUCKING HAWT and SoulDecision is one of the best pop bands of our time!

Singing SoulDecision with another man on the way to get Chinese is not gay. Quit hating.

Well, that is all for the Passion of Chachi Omnibus! I will do some here and there, depending on the questions that come my way. The majority of these were addressed last year on my Blogger site but I redid them for the peeps that just got into this thing…all five of you. Welcome to the site! Come for the offensive humor, stay for the punch and pie! I will try to be up before Friday’s Countdown but until then stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out