Everything Is Just Filler Until Transformers.

What is up, ya’ll! The weekend is almost over (BOOOOOO!) but all that means is that we are three weeks away from Transformers! More than meets the mother-fucking eye, fishes! God, this movie is either going to rock my face or suck more than anything has ever sucked. There will BE NO MIDDLE GROUND!

So this weekend was rather boring, seeing as I only have like $34 dollars and half a tank of gas until payday due to actually paying bills. Fucking student loans, not like I learned anything! Even with that, I managed to squeeze in two movies (One was free! W00T!) and some self-reflection into the weekend! But first it’s time for the return of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD DOUBLE FEATURE!

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer & Ratatoullie!

First off, Fantastic Four. For those of you that saw the first movie, you were either disappointed or indifferent. I was in the latter because I was never really much of a Fantastic Four fan as much as I was a Dr.Doom fan. Actually, I am more of a Twisted Toyfare Theater fan (CURSED RICHARDS!!!) but still. Rise of the Silver Surfer was…well…a rollercoaster. This is a movie that was like the 1991 World Series. There were cheer inducing highs and pride-shattering lows in this sequel. Let me start with the highs.

The Good:

The Hawtness: This movie was enough for me to see Jessica Alba and Chris Evans in skin-tight outfits. My god I nearly filled the cup four times alone just because of them. Jessica Alba is still my baby boo, despite what any pending lawsuits or current retraining orders say. Although she gets more racially ambiguous by the day (I don’t care about that as much as another pressing issue) she is still hawt but still needs to eat something. As for Chris Evans…DAMN. Jakey, Jakey makes my heart quakey! This movie stands up to the hawtness that was “300” and that’s hard to do because Spartans are the epitome of sexy.

Fantastic Effects: This was a shocker. This movie was more visually impressive in some parts than Spiderman 3 and even Pirates 3. The ending sequence (when they aren’t on the ground…ugh) was visually STUNNING and it showed what the Silver Surfer could do (Not many people know what his damn powers are. The power cosmic is up there with Scarlet Witch’s majik powers. God…I’m a nerd). Each characters powers were used for action, not just to do it like they were in the first movie. Silver Surfer was impressive (I am a sucker for liquid effects) and the flying sequences rival Superman Returns (which got a bad rap, solely for being too long and out of order. More on that if you want to know which I am sure you don’t) in terms of speed, clarity and quality. I was expecting some hokey stuff (Especially with the shoestring budges seeing as how they spent more on GHOST RIDER) but I was impressed!

Marvel’s First Family Is…A Family: Superhero movies with teams have been either good (X-Men 2: X-Men United, Hellboy) or bad (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). Never has there been a good “team comic book” movie. You know, that was one of the few bright spots of the first movie and really added to the second movie. These four are literally a family. There is actually a team dynamic (rather than it being Wolverine and The Pips) to this group that in my opinion adds to the movie. The acting (of Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm, anyway) is awesome and Reed Richards actually shows more of the Ultimate version of being a nerd but knowing “Asshole, I am smarter than you and you wont push me around” rather than the pussy of the first one. This movie had a team feel rather than a bunch of heroes tossed together for a crossover, which is what X-Men felt like. However….there were some bad things about this movie.

The Bad:

So…Plot?: My god. The plot had so much promise and then…nothing. They had Galactus AND Dr. Doom and still managed to not come up with a good plot! Although there was a kick ass plot twist (and fans of Dr. Doom will so have a “Geek Moment” when it happens) the movie itself flowed like some major shit was gonna happen and…nothing. Nothing at all. It went from a kick-ass battle to a SHITTY ass ending sequence which almost killed the movie had it not been so visually impressive. Spiderman 3 was all over done and Pirates 3 was all over the fucking place but Fantastic Four 2 had a great plot and just ass-fucked it Kobe style.

Can You Say Cheap?!: Holy fuck, half the sets were reused from X-Men 2. Seriously, the bunker looked the exact same. Hell, even the Dr. Doom scene in the hallway (Despite the awesomeness of it) was taken from the Magneto scene with the grenades in X-2 (Which was also awesome)! Oh, and the woods? Yeah, looks familiar…just like Elektra and X-2. Oh, and the final set was just….bad. China looks like an alley in California. For a summer blockbuster about the end of the world, it looked like that first Fantastic Four movie:

Yeah, that bad. This movie could have been so much more with some more money and adding the Skrull or the Kree to the movie. Anything to keep the crappiness out of the movie.

Let Us Never See A Jessica Alba Acting School: Okay, as attractive as she is Jessica Alba CANNOT ACT. I sat through Honey, Into The Blue and The Spelling Dictionary to find out she is maybe the worst actress ever. I am talking Maggie Gyllanhaal caliber here and that is BAD. What made this worse is that everyone else stepped up their game for this movie and she drug it down big time. Chris Evans played the brash Johnny Storm perfectly while Mike Chiklas and Ioan Gruffudd were good as The Thing and Mr. Fantastic. Hell, even Julian McMahon turned down the camp and made Dr. Doom the global threat he should be (Hell, the man stole the Beyonder’s powers AND is the second Sorcerer Supreme! He is bad ass). Meanwhile, Jessica Alba and her poor, high-pitched delivery made it seem like it was a high school production. That is not saying everyone was perfect (all had moments of cheese I could have rather done without) but they carried their parts well, unlike in Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3. Despite the advancement, the movie was SO BAD the first time that it really wasn’t a good jump.

All in all…I enjoyed this movie. Most people didn’t but I was expecting nothing and got a whole lot. I wasn’t disappointed because the highs of the Dr. Doom scenes and the fights and character building trumped out the horrible acting and downward spiral of a plot. This movie was above mediocre but no where near great. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer gets…

7 Out of 10 Stars!
(A real hit and miss. What it hit, it did fucking awesome in the character devolpment and the scope of the threat that was Galactus. However, where it missed it wiffed Sammy Sosa style. The plot went downhill at about the 1:12 mark (trust me, you’ll know) and the acting was subpar thanks to a very fine albacore around the casts neck. The movie gains a star for COSMIC DOOM! Oh, and half a point for a half-naked Chris Evans and Jessica Alba. It’s well worth a matinee and if you are truly a comic book movie buff; you will enjoy the few fanboy nods)

Oh, but I aint done! I got a free pass to see Ratatouille on Saturday from Fandango (Wow, I have been a user since 2002. That is pretty damn sweet I get free tickets from time to time) and even though Kimmy decided family is more important than free dinner and a movie hey, she missed out on some great viewing! You know what…this movie was fricking sweet! I despise rats (Zach will tell you) but this almost…ALMOST makes me see them as something to be liked. ALMOST. There was good and bad to this movie, but mostly good.

The Good:

Makes Shrek Look Like HAGIS!: Wow. I loved “Cars” but the animation was not up to par with some of the newer CGI films and not even up there with The Incredibles, Toy Story or A Bugs Life. Ratatouille changed that BIG TIME. I was impressed by the small things (the water, the hair, etc) in this movie that had such an attention to detail. Not only that, as one who only saw Paris for all of two days when I was like four it was an excellent recreation. Although the animation on the people was not as streamlined (which is the case for most if not all Pixar films) each character was animated to its part, unlike Shrek 3 where all the characters looked…well the damn same. Aside from Shrek and the animals there were no real differences mainly because J-Tim and Cameron Dumbass and the same person. Even still, the animation of this movie was top notch and really gave the movie a different feel from the rest of the CGI movies out there.

Sometimes, It Pays To Be Original: One thing Pixar movies can claim to be is original. Aside from Toy Story 2, all their movies are different and this one is no question. A movie about a rat that dreams of being a chef sounds stupid and for the first 5 minutes seems like it might be that way. However, you form a real attachment to Remy, much like Fivel in American Tail or Nemo in Finding Nemo. After a while you are drawn in and surprisingly enjoyning the movie. The movie paces well and like most Pixar movies has a fake climax. You know, where things go right only to find the real conflict which leads to the REAL climax and an ending that is not so perfect but even more satisfying than a standard happy children’s movie ending. Cars is a perfect example of that. You know, Pixar’s writing staff never gets as much credit as it deserves. The movies always LOOK great, but behind that movie is a great story that sometimes gets missed. This movie (aside from Finding Nemo) is the most story driven of the Pixar series because it is about RATS. That cook. Hard to make that interesting but they do it.

The Voices In My Head Won’t Stop!: Now the best work in voice acting in an animated movie not called The Lion King was Finding Nemo. Then comes The Incredibles and The Little Mermaid and after that…I am putting Ratatouille. The star power isn’t there but Patton Oswalt as Remy and Lou Romano as Linguini was a pretty good combo. They matched their characters visually and fit the overall scheme of the movie. Hell, even Janeane Garofalo played a good French woman! It isn’t about who you have, it is about what they do. Boise State knew it. The Spartans in “300” knew it. The Bad News Bears knew it. It is about how the characters go with the movie and these voices fit the characters perfectly. Oh, and it’s nice to see Brian Dennehy with work.

Normally this is where I would list the cons of the film. Shockingly…there were none. Seriously, I couldn’t find anything really bad about this movie. It was good, clean, family fun and had enough to keep any age interested. The biggest issue to get over is a rat being a chef and handling food. For you germaphobes, they handle that issue in the movie and is even covered by Remy in the first five minutes or so. Now I am no professional movie critic but I can say that each movie out this year aside from ATHFCMFFT had a con to it. However, Ratatouille was the best combination this year and unlike ATHFCMFFT you don’t need to leave the seed outside. You can bring it into the film! Overall, this movie was great and I believe that everyone will enjoy it. Master Chief Captain Chachi gives Ratatouille…

10 Out of 10 Stars!
(Arguably the best movie of the year so far. Whether you have kids, are just a kid at heart or tired of all the sequels and copies you should enjoy this movie. The voices are excellent, the animation is killer and most importantly the French are snooty. C’mon, you know its real talk. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed!)

Well, that was quite a post! God…Screech is a tool on Celebrity Fit Club. Sorry, had to get that out. Stay up, peeps!

Chachi Out