If Posts Were A Trilogy, This Would Be Return of The Jedi...

What is up, peeps! It is Tuesday and today is the greatest day EVER! I got two packs of Twizzlers for the price of one at the vending machine and I found $20 in my car the other day! And if you haven’t heard, the Duece is officially going next gen! My X-Box 360 Elite should be here today or tomorrow! Since all I have is coming with it is Gears of War, some games need to be bought on Friday and then it is an X-BOX 360 PART-EEE!! Bring chips, I will supply the punch and pie.

So I am late in my Black people rants (I wanted to do it during Black History Month, but since February sucks enough by itself I decided against it) but I have received a lot of material in the last few months that it has become way to easy. So I would say the ratio of my rants about women being crazy to men being stupid is about 3:1 or so. Mainly because I am a jaded, broken man that needs time to vent. However, my stance on women has become more pointed and direct rather than broad stroked as it was for about a year after college until about….shit January?

Anyway, I have had several discussions with a friend of mine (Hi, Kandice! Now…seven people know who you are!) about how men suck and women are stupid. Now I have given testimonials and irrefutable evidence of how women function on an illogical process of “All the power with none of the responsibility.” However, the question is what makes them like that? Well, I have proven that how they are brought up is a huge reason why a majority are like that (some mothers that teach daughters poorly about what men are, some fathers that don’t teach their daughters PERIOD, society and of course THE MEDIA) but the real reason is simple:

MEN ARE FUCKTARDS

There, I said it. This isn’t an attempt to apologize for what I have said in the past because I have proven that women are succubi several times. However, the a major catalyst for their stupidity and irrational and illogical actions are the fact that a GREAT MAJORITY OF MEN MAKE THEM THAT WAY! I have had to sit back for the last…shit 10 years or so and listen to my female friends complain, bitch and cry about how their boyfriends (and in some cases husbands which makes me uncomfortable like nothing else) treat them like crap and don’t address their concerns or feelings. After listening for a while I lost pity on them because they all said the same thing when I said ‘Well then quit putting up with it and leave!’

‘But we have so much history!’

First, Zach put down the gun. Put it down, we can shoot people later! I have a point to make. This puts it all in a nutshell. Jerks treat women like shit because they can. You see, women crave attention. It is true, don’t deny it. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what KIND of attention it is. So if a man shows jealousy or is constantly letting you cause drama some women stay because they see that as growth of a relationship rather than a total regression to like the first grade. I have yet to completely grasp why women stay with jerks for so long but I guess it is stability. Wait, jerks don’t have jobs. They bum off their girlfriends and borrow their cars; that’s what makes them jerks. Wait, jerks cheat, don’t pay attention, treat them like idiots and verbally and even physically abuse (Yeah, when I heard about shit like that it made me want to regulate. Lo Pan style) women. So what makes them stay?

I know I say that I joke about everything, and domestic abuse is no exception (In old country, to beat is to love!). So lets put this into perspective. The first thing is that unless he is a total fucktard, no man is a joke from the beginning of a relationship. I have seen some where the dude is just a jerk from jump street and it is sad because some women just accept it as normal. A man will start off as normal and nice, but after a few weeks he may show some jerk qualities. At that point, women don’t do anything about it (questioning why he hasn’t called in three days or why he never answers the phone when it rings. Sounds intrusive but we are at war, some civil liberties need to be violated to keep us safe) and all of a sudden you have been dating a dude for five plus years that is constantly ignoring you and when he isn’t ignoring you he is treating you like shit. Congratulations, you have just been Jerk’d.

At this point a woman either leaves him in a HUGE huff and a chip on her shoulder only to see that he has a new woman in less than two weeks. He was SO cheating on you and you let it slide! Or even WORSE he leaves YOU and makes it seem like it was your fault (‘You are being possessive’ or ‘Its just not working’) AND gets another woman to boot (usually uglier, which TOTALLY pisses you off) while you go on a ‘I don’t need no man!’ trip and live like Samantha and Carrie from Sex in the City. Guess what? You know why they rarely found love? BECAUSE THEY LIVED LIKE FUCKTARD MEN! So when you go out and you live like a fucktard, you find a fucktard. Then you get your heart broken again and again by the same type of man over and over until you are ruined and hate men altogether. Congratulations, ladies. You have been Jerk’d.

I have taken women to task for letting this happen several times. The fact is that the reason this happens is that men treat them this way. With women outnumbering men slightly and the majority of men (you know what, after being on the frontlines of this for about 5-8 years, I can say about 70%, if not 75% of men treat women poorly in some way shape or form) being idiots and jerks I can see why women are disheartened by the situation of being single. For years either they or their friends have been used, abused and all around screwed over by men. I always say being screwed over is a two party system but the fact is that it shouldn’t begin in the first place.

The majority of men that are screwing over women are making those in the minority look REAL bad. It is like slaves that knew how to read. Other slaves didn’t like them because they weren’t happy in the field being a slave (women) and whites didn’t like them because they were trying to change the ‘natural order’ of things (jerks). That analogy makes sense if you think about it, albeit rather offensive. You see, the majority of men are all about trying to get sex from women. It has been like that for a long time. Women have been ingrained since…birth that this is the case from their mothers, television, music, movies and society as a whole. Now as a man if your main goal is NOT to have sex with a woman, you are the exception not the norm and rules are made for the norm. Therefore to a woman, you must be lying and trying to get in her pants. So either way, no matter what you do, you are vilified just as much if not MORE than a jerk because they think you are a liar and a cheat and if Oprah said it, it must be true.

On the other side of the spectrum is the jerk. Now, I have had this discussion with jerks several times and when you say that you aren’t about sex they look at you like you broke the Code of Silence. Like you came out of the closet in a foxhole during heavy enemy fire. So then other men think something is wrong with you because you don’t think just like them. It is fucking irritating. The majority of jerks buy Axe body wash and Tag body spray because they believe that women really come running if you wear it. I’m serious, they BELIEVE the commercials! I have heard them talk to the opposite sex and it is just…just wrong. Now I honestly believe that the term ‘game’ is really just ‘lies and bullshit.’ I have heard what constitutes as ‘game’ and the majority of it is ripped off from rappers/comedians/date movies/pick-up line books. Hell, after about 10 seconds it usually breaks into the ‘Wah wah wah wah wahwahwah’ from Charlie Brown so I wonder if women really listen (I have heard yes and no from different sources) or if the whole ‘a woman knows whether she is going to have sex with you blah blah blah yakkity smackity’ thing is true. If so, it explains a LOT of divorces and break-ups. Because of this, having an actual conversation is hard because women expect a ‘Shawty, can I buy yo draaaaaank?’ rather than ‘So how do you feel the geopolitical climate in Ghana effects the continent of Africa?’ What can I say….I is lame.

Finally, jerks have not only killed conversation they have lowered the expectations. From what I have gathered, women expect so little from men that when you display any form of not being ‘derrrrp!’ they get rather confused. Men have come off over the years as being so sex-crazed, boob-obsessed, chest-thumping, sports-worshiping, woman-clubbing troglodytes that when you aren’t like that…they think something is wrong with you and that you are (once again) lying and TOTALLY want to get in their pants or that you are gay. Let me tell you something ladies…that would just be devine! Wouldn’t it be delightful if the reason I have so many problems with women is because I am a homosexual? Yeah…sadly it aint that easy. As my love for Yuna Ito has proven…I loves the ladies but the ladies don’t love me. It’s….a conundrum.

Now I am not going to sit here and give anyone tips on how to get a woman because I totally SUCK at it. I can teach you how NOT to get one or how to lose one. That’s where I’m a Viking! Even still, I think that the majority of fucktards are ruining it for the minority that just want to be normal. By screwing over women and treating them like crap (Even though we can all agree, deep down it is what they want. Hell, I’ve gone BACK to women to be treated like crap! It replaces the need for love!) you mess it up for all of us. The simple fact is that women do stupid things to normal guys for dick moves made by a jerk. Now you have a set of jaded men that seem like jerks but are just like you: frickin pissed off because they were hurt. See, men and women aint so different. I leave you with this:

“Inside Every Jaded Man…Is A Broken Heart”

A spin on what Skinnerman told me once. He was a conflicted genius sometimes. What’s wrong, peeps? That last post was a downer, you say? Well, here is something for the non-jerk demographic to view. Jerks don’t come here, they don’t know how to read. Turn off the sound and gaze at the hawtness that is Nami Uehara:

Is nice. She really…really can’t sing. However, she is quite the beautiful young lady. Man, I AM going to end up with an Asian woman. Yeah, I guess I am part of the reason that 70% of Black women are single. In my defense, they wouldn’t want a slice of this mancake anyway. I’m just wasting my flava! DAMN! Just going to waste on the shelf like so many cans of Crystal Pepsi or copies of Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come. Anyway, I will be back soon. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out.

Black U.N.I.T.Y... The Greatest of All Oxymorons.

Good morning peeps! Well, the hangover from the awesomeness that was Spiderman 3 begins as I feel like that time in Vegas when I hung out with Winky Wright’s entourage at the MGM before his fight in 2005. My god…I seriously misplaced my pants. And I never went to a gentleman’s club again. Great success!

Anyway, can I just say I am fed up with this whole ‘George Bush has the lowest approval rating since Steve Catraper in 1874!’ crap? Last I checked you can’t impeach a president for being unpopular or unbelievably incompetent. This isn’t the NBA, and he can’t be suspended for being a thug or a moron. I wish he could, but this is America. Not Happy Snapdragon and Lollipop Fun-Time Land. Grin and bear it and when the time comes for a change, make it. Just don’t vote for Obama. Please, I REALLY don’t want to see him shot. He seems like a nice enough guy but White people would FLIP over a Black President and don’t let them tell you otherwise. We are cool to shoot your basketballs and make your music but run your country? Nigga, please. It’s the White House, not the Swisha House. Now that is funny as hell.

Okay, it is rant time. Oh, it is SO rant time. I don’t think I have ever done an official rant on Black women in general so it is about that damn time. Now people that know me are well know about my struggles with Black women. Well, women in GENERAL but Black women in particular. You see, back in college all I heard was shit from Black women (especially after I joined the Black Student Union…all six of us) because all I was ever seen with was white women. Keep in mind, this is Colorado, not Atlanta or Detroit but there was some truth to their observation. The simple fact is that none of the women wanted to date me. Hell, no woman wants to date me let alone Black women. Yet, no matter what I did I was ‘selling out’ (an actual term used on me) for who I associated with. So I am letting it known now, I am a tad bit biased.

With that being said, there seems to be a big flap after the Don Imus situation about the perception of Black women by Black men and America as a whole. The ‘nappy headed hoes’ comment has died down (FINALLY) but the issue is now how they are looked at and why someone would say that. First off, no one sees Black women as ‘nappy headed hoes’ because the majority of Black women have weaves. Yeah, I went there. Don Imus got paid to be controversial and an outright jerkass. I am not defending his actions or his words, but I am just giving you the reason. I don’t think I have used the word ‘nappy’ since like…middle school. No one has aside from the rap group ‘Nappy Roots’ and they are long gone. So Black women need to let that go because it wasn’t funny and it wasn’t said out of perception of the players, it was said for ratings.

Now for what I think is the REAL issue here is about Black women being called ‘hoes’. Well, that is a problem that has been around for a while and you know what…

IT IS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT!

There, I said it. And here is WHY I say that. You see, the argument has always been that ‘if you didn’t act like that, no one would call you that’ and although there is some arrogance and ignorance to that statement…there is truth in it. The sad fact is that ‘image is perception’ and I learned that a long time ago. I can name three interviews (Insight, Verizon and Canon) where I had two phone interviews that went well and then the final face to face interview began with ‘…YOU are William?’ and I know what they meant. I am not the next MLK or Obama but I believe I am a great speaker and I have been told several times I am an awesome interviewee. I see when someone is shocked the person they have been talking to is Black. And it hurts because I know they were expecting me to be ‘Gives me this job, fool! I gots skills!’ but I wasn’t and it shocked them. Don’t even get me started about the clubs here and my treatment at the Cherry Creek/Flatirons Malls. So I know what it is like to not be something and just because of perception being treated poorly. I know all Black women are not hoes. To think so is asinine. However, image is perception. And the image is that Black women are not respected by Black men and are treated as sex objects. Where would people get that idea?

Have you seen a rap video or listened to a hip hop song in the last…10 years? Have you seen a movie in the last 5 years? Black women have to take to task a major issue. The image portrayed in those videos has women used as sex objects. And they aint CGI, thems is real women. Since White people avoid Black people at all costs, all they have to base their views on us is television. Not only that, since the only strong Black female on TV is Oprah and… Yoruichi Shihouin from Bleach it’s hard to find someone to look up to for young Black women. All they have are video vixens and Beyonce (which is even WORSE) to emulate and either way, they are going down the wrong path.

The sad part is that Black women want to blame Black men for this. Now I personally don’t want to take the blame for ANY OF IT individually because I don’t even know any Black people anymore. However, I will man up and take a brunt of the responsibility because I do believe that a lot of the issue lies there. Black men need to grow the hell up. Part of it is learning how to treat women. I had my chivalry rant a few weeks ago and it falls in line. For so many young Black men raised in single mother households I don’t know why they have such horrible views of women. I mean the amount of single Black mothers is disgusting and the way I hear men talk to them is even worse, just disrespectful and full of bad English. Yet…and this is my observation (I people watch at the club, I’m a geek like that); the problem is that the majority of Black women accept it.

I won’t say as a whole but they must be for it to be going on for so long. The treatment of Black women hasn’t changed since 1992, just the fashions have changed. From high top fades and Cross Colors to cornrows and G-Unit. The words are the same offensive crap, and the result is the same. And sistas, you are at fault for this one. I have noticed that women mistake ignorance for confidence and arrogance for power. The fact is that men are rather unoriginal when it comes to females. For the most part, they do what others say will work. If all a Black male sees is women fawning and dropping it like it’s hot for men with money, power and some sort of respect (I’m from the streets, bitch!) then that is how he will act. People are NOT as smart as we give them credit for, we see it every day. The fix to the treating and perception of Black women as hoes is simple and twofold:

BLACK WOMEN: Don’t Accept It
BLACK MEN: Don’t Expect It.

It is really that simple. Women, don’t dance to shitty songs in the club that degrade women and make you out to be skeezers. It is that simple. Don’t request them on the radio, don’t buy the album, don’t download the ringtone and for CHRIST’S SAKE DON’T SING IT IN THE CLUB! If I hate the song T-Pain when HE sings it, when you and your drunken gaggle of friends sing it doesn’t make it any better. Expect more from men, too. Ladies, if you expect that all men are trying to fuck you then consciously or sub-consciously that is what you will get. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I lived it everyday. Hell, I still live it.

Oh and Black men; just stop. Think about it like this. Would you appreciate if a man treated your mother or sister the way you treat Black women? If the answer is no then STOP AND ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME GODDAMN SENSE! If the answer is yes then call Jimmy Iovine for your record deal because you are the next 50 Cent…you stupid Black bastard. Just because some Black women are trifling and only want thugs or money (Women don’t get that being a thug is NOT A GOOD THING!) doesn’t mean you have to ‘buy that shorty a drank’ or get a ‘chain reaction’ from your gaudy ass jewelry. Not all women out there are carbon copies of video chicks, so stop acting like you are Young Fucking-Jeezy. And you aint no pimp, dude. Pimps get hoes, not ladies. Now THAT is real talk. Marinate on that, fishes.

In closing, young Black ladies don’t pop, lock and drop it. Blame men, media and society all you want in the end it is about keeping it real to yourself. If you aren’t a hoe, don’t act like one and then you are justified in busting a fool in the mouth for treating you like one. If you ARE a hoe then dammit, be the best hoe out there! Reach for the bling and believe in your inner whore and one day you can be the greatest gold digging hoochie in history! And always remember; if you are gonna be a gold digger, never go after any broke…broke:

Heh, I still think that song is stupid as hell. Seriously, Black women respect yourself and you pretty much demand it from Black men. They better get with it or stand to the side. Talib Kweli, peeps. Sometimes hip hop can still be poetry.

Well, that had been working my nerves for a few days and I needed to let that out. I HAVE to do a rant on dumb ass dudes and how they ruin things for the rest of us (Rick knows what I am talking about. You are a braver man than I to put up with that shit for so long). If anyone deserves to be drug out in the street and beaten with a baseball bat it is dumb ass dudes. That may be up this week so stay tuned. Until then…

Restecp Each’ova. Big ups to Chachi.

It's Your Friendly Neighborhood Chachi!

What is up, peeps! It is a chilly Sunday today after a pointlessly cold Cinco De Mayo. But screw the drunken white people ruining my Mexican St. Patrick’s Day! On Friday, I went to see the greatest movie possibly EVER made and very little could fuck that up. It is a movie about a man. Bitten by a spider. And given powers. I got bit by a spider two weeks ago and all I got was a huge welt on my butt/thigh. Anyway, you know his name and you know his game. I give you a special Passion of Chachi….

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: Web Slinger Edition!

This Week: Spiderman 3!

Okay, I will let it be known that I am a MEGA-Spiderman fan. Aside from the 8+ years I stopped reading because of the whole Ben Reilly/Spider Clone bullshit I have been an avid fan of the character so some would figure my review to be biased. And to that I say….EAT IT. Spiderman rules, the only heroes that rule more are Batman and The Tick. And Brock Sampson he is less hero, more Swedish killing machine. So there.

With that being said, let me start with the pros of this movie (I’m trying a new format with the movie reviews, tell me what you think)

Pros:

The Opening Credits: Now some would say this makes no sense. However, how many times with a sequel have you had no frame of reference of the first few movies? Aside from the Star Wars series with the scrolling words (I don’t know how to read! I’m not a loser!) no movies really give a recap of the previous installments. The opening credits of Spiderman 3 covered how Peter got his powers and the events of the first two movies in about 4 minutes. A small thing for some, but is was a great way to begin the movies for those who have never seen (or missed) the first two and fanboys of course filled their Spiderman 3 collectible cups.

Character Depth: Now I am going to get into this more later, but for a character with 30+ years of back-story it is hard to put a lot of depth into 2 hours. However, the character of Peter Parker grows, regresses and realizes in this movie several times. From the events of Uncle Ben’s murder to what happens when someone with great power ignores the responsibility to protect (and it is SO THUG) the movie surprisingly covers a lot of ground for the main character. Even Harry (albeit in a real ‘Deus Ex Machina’ way) is dug into deeper a tad, which was enough to make a few of the evens actually powerful rather than tacked on. I like how the character development was done for SOME of them. More on that later. Speaking of characters…

Topher Grace/Venom: Shit, I was NOT expecting this. I was really expecting Topher to just kind of be there and not add anything to the movie until he was Venom. Boy I was wrong. Topher was downright HILARIOUS as Eddie Brock, which albeit a deviation from the comic it actually gave the character some personality (I never liked Eddie Brock the character in Spiderman). He played the perfect foil to Peter (brash, just an all around a-hole) and most importantly wasn’t Eric Foreman playing Eddie Brock. Topher can actually act, just take a look at ‘Win A Date With Tad Hamilton’ and YES I have seen that movie and YES I liked it. I am SO straight. Even more surprising is that his nonchalant sense of humor was PERFECT as Venom, like a Fidel Sarcastro meets Spiderman with a symbiote. Oh, and Venom was pretty damn imposing, even with the McFarlane eyes (WHICH I HATE) he was still just scary. Hulking, roaring and fanged was the perfect opposite to Spidey. If you are looking forward to Venom you wont be disappointed and if you have no idea who he is prepare to be amazed.

The Action: You know, I will not lie to you I was not impressed by the Sandman/Spiderman fights (more on that later) and the Venom/Spiderman fight was good but it was NOTHING compared to the New Goblin/Spiderman or the KICK ASS Peter vs. Harry fight! I honestly put that up there above Vader vs. Luke I & II, Neo vs. Agent Smith and the fight from ‘They Live’ as maybe the greatest one-on-one fight in movie history. Just BRUTAL. MUCH better than the first one (Green Goblin) and more emotional than the second (Doc Ock, who while visually impressive were really pointless). The movie overall is visually impressive and all the action sequences are well done and I still think that Spidey web slinging is up there as a mark out moment with the Death Star blowing up and Helms Deep. The $258 MILLION was well spent, peeps.

Humor/Camp/Drama: There was a perfect mix of humor, (one-liners, banter between Parker and Brock), silliness (the dance number and Peter going all John Travolta on us. Priceless!) and drama (the end, the scene at the diner with Peter and Harry which if it doesn’t piss off every man you should be shot because it was JACKED UP) in this movie that most comic book movies never try because they screw it up. James Cameron and George Clooney I am looking in your fucking direction. Every Spidey fan knows that the books are one part humor, one part zaniness, one part drama and one part action and that is what puts him at top of the list with Batman in terms of best all-round. Sam Raimi found a good mix of this that I believe he came CLOSE to missing with the first and second because the first one had an silly looking Green Goblin and the second was a tad to dark with Doc Ock. Great job!

Now, even though there are a LOT more pros (Bruce Campbell’s cameo for one, Peter going emo, the ending sequence), there are some cons to this movie…

Cons:

Kirsten Dunst: I have always said she should NOT have been Mary Jane, if anything Gwen Stacy because she fucking dies. Laura Prepon is still my choice to this day. Kirsten is supposed to drum up sympathy for MJ because she is a stuggling actress whose boyfriend is always gone protecting the city when she really needs some consoling. Understandable, right? Instead, MJ comes off as a bitch that doesn’t understand the responsibily that come to someone that has the ability to help others. While Peter is totally supportive of MJ, she seems selfish and self-absorbed which is a complete 180 from the comic Mary Jane. Oh, and they had the NERVE to let her shitty ass SING! That nearly made me throw something at the screen. It doesn’t ruin the movie, but her performance did piss me off.

Sandman: As a Spidey fan, I could have picked about six other villains that would have fit better than Sandman. Thomas Church did as well as he could but unlike Doc Ock (who was a tragic character) or Green/New Goblin (who is as much a part of the Spiderman mythos as Joker is to Batman or Vader is to Luke Skywalker) there is no real reason to root for OR against Marko Flint. He really adds nothing to the movie aside from some impressive CGI effects which actually would have been better spent on Hydro Man or Mysterio. Hell, even THE SPOT would have been a better choice! Sandman is lame and always has been. There are other villains that would have fit better, or at least have Venom bite him and screw up his chemical balance like in the comic. Same with Mary Jane, doesn’t hurt the movie all that much but it is still time that would be better used on a better character.

The Plot: This is more about the character development but this falls in line. It’s obvious that this is two movies in one with the Harry story and the Venom story both being able to stand alone on their own merit. It feels like Sandman was used to bind the two plots together which just created a feeling of ‘too much at once’ because plots would hang for 20-30 minutes at a time without mention. The Peter/Harry story should have been the focal point with the Venom/Eddie Brock as the ‘b-story’ until the end. Negates Sandman, creates a linear plot (watch it, remove the Sandman part and see how the movie flows a little better) and kills about 20-25 minutes, or re-directs it to a longer Spiderman/Venom fight that would have made this movie even MORE KICK ASS. I should be in Hollywood.

Well, taking everything into account, this movie was the best movie of the year. The gripes are minimal and luckily easily overcome by the amount of awesome in this flick. Long story short, this movie is more than worth the $7.75 and looking at the $148 million plus opening weekend, it looks like America agrees with me. So the Chachi gives Spiderman 3…..

10 Out of 10 Stars!!!
(Two great stories held together by a sandy plot device but that doesn’t really deter from the experience. Great action and surprisingly good performances by James Franco, Topher Grace and yes…even Tobey Mcguire. Great mix of comedy, camp, action, drama, suspense and special effects make this a great watch! Worth it alone for Bruce Campbell speaking French. Swing down to your local movie house now!)

Odds are there will be no movie review next week (maybe 28 Weeks Later, although I haven’t seen all of 28 Days Later so I may peep that first, not sure) so in apology for that, I give you a new installment of….

WHAT CHACHI LIKES/DISLIKES!

Special Sunday Edition!

First, off…

What Chachi Likes: Foxxi Misq!

Okay, I know I despise skinny people. Especially skinny women. Just not cool, give me some Kate Winslet or Salma Hayek over Jessica Simpson or (GASP!) Jessica Alba any day. However…DAMN. These girls are quite on the point. Yeah, Kandice is right I have a little intrigue with the Japanese ladies. If you haven’t seen the video for ‘Alive’ and you are a male with any heart you will watch it…right now. You will NOT be disappointed. Not only that, compared to other girl groups (to which there are like…two) they are pretty good vocally and dance-wise. Good stuff! Now….to what is TOTALLY annoying me…

What Chachi Dislikes: Beyonce’

I must be the only man in America that just doesn’t see it. Never have, never will. I remember when Destiny’s Child came out I was NOT a fan of her. Her voice is ‘meh’ and she looks like she was created in a h-game. She doesn’t even look like she has real facial features! Her body aint THAT bangin (don’t get me wrong, I likes the booty but it aint all that and neither is she) and she talks like her mother is her sister. I have always said if I was forced to choose I’m taking Kelly anydamnway. And don’t even get me fucking started on her in Dreamgirls because she got SERVED by Jennifer Hudson vocally and in the acting department. She is fucking annoying and over hyped. Her music is straight up TRIFLING (Freak’um Dress? Upgrade U? Check On It? Way to start up the women’s movement again, dumbass. Your songs all are materialistic and have no substance) and tired, as better artists (Norah Jones, Alicia Keys hell even Kelly Clarkson) are overshadowed by her constantly shaking ass. Oh, and your song with Shakira SUCKS. R-tard. Now back to something that I really…REALLY like…

What Chachi Likes: Minmi

Ev’ry Ting Is Irie! I’m just joking! Seriously, I have been listening to Minmi since she did the closing for Samurai Champaloo (kick ass show, BTW) ‘Shiki No Uta’. Since then I have been a fan. Don’t even get me STARTED on ‘Summertime’ I so love that song! Has a Soca feel to it, you know. And I digs me some Soca music. Actually, I dig anything that isn’t from this asshole….

What Chachi Dislikes: MIMS

God…where do I start. This dude sucks. I mean seriously, I don’t expect everyone to be the next Rakim or Common but AT LEAST STOP THE FUCKING REPEATING!! I mean he never gives a reason of why he is hot! Being ‘fly’ doesn’t equal ‘hot’ much like being ‘platinum’ doesn’t equal ‘talented’. The fact people will DANCE TO THIS SHOWS THAT WE NEED THE RAPTURE. NOW. I hope this shitty dude gets killed first because he totally sucks it dry. I am all about to each their own but listening and liking this fucker is like eating marshmallows. Nothing of value is in them and at the end of the day they are best set on fire and eaten with chocolate and graham crackers. The last part is a reach but you get it. It is shit like this why hip hop hasn’t done anything new or been any good since DMX hit the streets. That is sad as fuck, too. Oh, and to people who say I am hating because he is famous and people are buying his record (same defense motherfuckers use with my distain for Akon, too) remember this: just because people like it doesn’t make it good for you. Name one redeeming quality about this song that isn’t ‘I can dance to it’. Rap is going to hell in a fucking hand basket and Mims is the conductor.

Well, I have some errands to run before going back to another workweek. Oh, and slap the shit out of Mims on sight. Give one to that asshat Huey, too. ‘Pop, Drop & Lock It’ is giving us a new generation of strippers. You are now free to go see Spiderman 3!

Chachi Out.

3, 2, 1 Make Some Noise for SPIDERMAN!!!

Yo Yo YO!!! It is another Friday and you know what happens on that day! The 20 best videos get ranked and given to you the people in a little something I call the…

TOP 20 VIDEO COUNTDOWN!!

As we all know, Spiderman 3 comes out in a few short hours and all I can say is I AM SO READY!!! Until then, let’s get this partay started! We start with a debut!

20. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (New Entry)

Okay, alright. I will admit, I spent the majority of 2005-2006 wondering what made these guys popular. I shant lie, I am a fan of their second album and especially this song. Now I had no idea this video was an ad for Tag body spray, but that is beyond the point. Take that out and it is actually kick ass. Welcome to the Countdown for the first time, guys!
19. Home Made Kazoku – Nagaraboshi ~Shooting Star~ (Last Week #16)
HMK looks to be on their way out this week after making it to the Top 10. They still have a video with Seamo lurking out there, though. We will see…
18. Yui – My Generation (Last Week #20)
Mmmm….yes. The more videos from Yui, the better. This song is beginning to grow on me (unlike ‘CHE.R.RY’ or ‘Life’ which I liked on the first listen) and the video is kind of a continuation on the style of ‘Rolling Star’. I am also trying to find the show that this song is the opening for. A little help, anyone?
17. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #13)
Yeah….rap is almost officially off my radar. Unless Diddy does a video for the ‘Last Nite’ Remix this will be the last hip hop video in the Top 5 for a while. Or at least until T.I. comes back. Or maybe sooner….stay tuned!
16. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #17)

Crystal Kay already has a new video out?! My god she is fiy-yiy-yine! If you haven’t seen it, check it out. She is quite the saucy. Dare I say, I am officially in love. At least until I get to the Yuna Ito video. Even still, M-Flo and Miss Kay move up a spot this week. With her FINE self.
15. Orange Range – Ika Summer (Last Week #19)
I have totally missed these guys. Just like ‘Champione’ this video is all about pointless fun and good times. If this blog is about anything, it is about pointless fun and good times! It could be the anthem of the blog! Nah, I will stick with Calloway’ “I Wanna Be Rich.”
14. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #10)
So there is no word of a new Bennie K video yet, even with the album less than 30 days away. You KNOW I will be getting a copy of that. Until then, 1001 Nights falls a few more places out of the Top Ten. GIVE ME MORE YUKI AND CICO!
13. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #14)
So unlike the rocket that was the video for “Baby Don’t Cry” Namie’s new one is taking a slower pace up the Countdown. This week “Funky Town” moves up a spot and closer to the Top Ten. Here is to hoping for a new album soon (which I have heard nothing about but I am not like the Wendy Williams of J-Pop over here)!
12. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #6, two weeks at #1, Plunge of the Week)
NOOOO! It can’t be over! Well, it seems to be. For the first time since Feburary, Daughtry is not in the Top 10! After an impressive run he falls the most spots this week (and the most in a long time) with six big ones. “Home” should be hitting the airwaves ANY DAY NOW! YES!
11. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #12)
One step outside of the Top Ten is where this video stands. The Gang is trying to sneak up and pull Number One yet again! Now, we have made it to the top half!
10. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #15)

We begin with a video making a big jump this week! I love this song, and as soon as I find my old software (or get a new computer, it has been 5 years I should probably get to it) I will turn it into a ring tone. Maroon 5 has been hit or miss for me for a while and this is definitely on point!
9. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #9)
K-OS has slowed down a little bit, standing pat at #9 for the second straight week. Waiting for a little something new video wise, which I odds are would never know since I don’t watch video channels anymore.
8. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #8)

Ms. Koda stands pat at #8 this week. It is a shame, because she has really been….not annoying me lately. There was that stretch (around ‘Cherry Girl’) when she went all Paris Hilton on me. Well, not on me SPECIFICALLY because that would have been a good time. Hopefully she is realizing that she is way to talented to be so damn stupid. Oh, and eat a sandwich if you wouldn’t mind.
7. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #5)
After making it to the Top Five, TDG moves back two spots. I am finally ready for new stuff from these guys, let’s hope to get something soon!
6. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #7)
Oh hell yes. I was looking through my back up hard drive (700GB of J-pop, anime and cartoons fool! Not a bit of porn…which is not good) when I found her Christmas performance on MTV Japan. My god…she is an awesome performer. Her voice is just YES and she is just…wow. I’M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU! DEEP INSIDE I KNOW YOU FEEL IT TOO! Yeah…Kandice I can see how that can creep a woman out. On to the Top Five!
5. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #3, four weeks at #1)
After a dominant run at #1, Mr. Legend falls two more spots this week. Nothing new yet, but he will be coming back to the US this fall and I hope to catch him in concert then! I have seen a couple of live performances of this song online and it must be even better in person. Sometimes I wish I was a woman so I could swoon….
4. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #4)
Avril Lavigne stands firm for a second week with this video. I had a couple of lewd jokes about being “firm” and how she looks in this video, but I am turning over a new leaf. Long story short, no more potty humor. Now, into the Top Three….if you have a keen eye, you notice something right now…
3. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #2)

So UVERworld falls a spot this week, and looks like they may not get that coveted 4th Number One video. That shocks me, because this video still is rather awesome but the two above this one are totally awesome. Even still, it has been a big year for The ‘World and here is hoping for a new video soon (If you are looking for a suggestion guys, ‘51%’ would be a spiffy choice)! We are down to two videos, but which two?
2. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #1, one week at #1)

Now THIS is a shocker. After only one week at #1, Yui falls to the runner up position! After the long reign of ‘Rolling Star’ I figured Yui would take a rest and camp out for a bit. However, it seems there is an even HOTTER video than this one! Don’t fret, Yui has another video moving up the charts and it is still the ring tone for someone that rules all. And doesn’t know I camp outside her window. Just kidding! Now, it is time for the BRAND NEW #1 Video!
1. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover, one week at #1)

It was on April 13th, 2007 that this video debuted on the Countdown. Now after completing the biggest jump EVAR in the Countdown’s history the opening for the new Naruto SLAMS into the Top Spot! This song is now my default ringtone (replacing Bi) and gets played no less than five times a day. It is THAT BAD ASS. The song kicks ass, the video kicks ass, the show kicks ass and the afro kicks ass. Overall….yeah you know it. 3, 2, 1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

Well that is all for this week. Tune in next week to see what kind of hold nobodyknows+ has on Number 1! Can Yui bounce back and take the #1 spot? Or can UVERworld rebound and capture their FOURTH crown! Don’t forget about Avril waiting in the wings! Be here next Friday and GO SEE SPIDERMAN 3 TONIGHT, FISHES! The original hero come back!

Chachi Out!

I Am A Real American!

What is up, peeps! We are ONE DAY AWAY!! One day away from the greatest piece of American cinema since The Last Unicorn! Yeah, you know it. SPIDERMAN 3, FISHES!! I am SO ready for this, and clocking in at 2 hours and 20 minutes means I should be out in time to crash the town! Or…write on message boards about how kick ass it was. Mainly because I am a geek and geeks don’t party. Except once a year at NDK during the J-Pop Dance PARTAAAAY! Which makes me want to fucking cry.

So, quick American Idol updates! Since Rick doesn’t like receiving bulletins about how much I hate Chris and Blake (or as I call them, two of the J-Tim Force because together they form Voltron) I will just say this right now: sending Chris home was correct. His rendition of ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ was pedestrian. And by that I mean I wanted to walk on his fucking face. I have never REALLY been a Bon Jovi fan (They will NEVER, EVER rawk as hard as Foreigner) but even I think he tackled a song that was well above what he could do. Chris has a better voice than his teammate (more on that fucker later) but it is still average at best. He tried, but he had one of the weaker performances of the bunch.

Sending Phil home was wrong. Just…wrong. I think that his performance of ‘Blaze of Glory’ (one of the Bon Jovi songs I like) was BAD ASS (albeit a lot of yelling, but that’s what you do when you RAWK! YOU BELT FOR THE RAFTERS!) and probably the best pure rock performance of the night. He was in his element and truly shined. His best since “Every Breath You Take”.

Now before I get to Blake’s annoying ass, I will tell you who SHOULD have went home: Jordin. Don’t get me wrong, if she was 18 I would TOTALLY wreck that. By the fire and romantically of course. The simple fact is she was horrible. Now I am an average singer (unless you throw on ‘Old Man River’ or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’) but she was the worst on Tuesday by far and in the middle of the pack two weeks ago. People are obviously drinking the LaKisha Kool-Aid. And NO that isn’t a reference because she is big boned or Black. Although when she was wearing the red and black, if she would have bust through a wall no one would have known the difference. I’m just saying. She a good gospel type singer, but she isn’t marketable and has the charisma of a stoned panda. Voice does not equal success, see Taylor Hicks. She could have went home as well, but she had a good performance. As for Melinda, her performances have been consistent B to B+ quality (while everyone else has been ALL OVER THE PLACE) and she has the Jill Scott thing going for her (classy, humble with a little bit of flash) and I can say she is the front-runner right now. She is the only one (IMHO) who has never really been in any danger of going home. I picked her to win, too! Red Robin here I come!

Now to the Justin Timberlake hellspawn known as Blake. Okay, I will be the first to admit. He did something novel and interesting on Tuesday (which saved his ass because he picked up a lot of swing voters) and I can commend him for that. Seriously people. He beat-boxed to Bon Jovi. Bon-FUCKING-JOVI! First off…..no. Just no, that’s not how things work. Secondly, he is nowhere near the beat-boxer his donor is (J-Tim was actually pretty good at it) and he got Jay-Z’d (served on his own track i.e. Renegades from ‘The Blueprint’) on his performance by the drummer. As much of a chance as he took and as interesting as it was, people are forgetting one thing: HE CAN’T SING. His actual singing during that performance was average; barely above Jordin who was just BAD during hers. American Idol is as Simon said ‘a singing competition’ and if this was based on singing, Jordin and Blake would have gone home. However, if this was a singing competition and not some sideshow Sanjaya would have never even MADE it on the air. So for another week I have to pray someone FINALLY mails a mountain lion to Blake. I cant, the post office doesn’t except my packages anymore after the Carrot Top incident.

Next week, I think Blake will do a Bee Gee’s song (because he fucking sucks), Melinda will do ‘MacArthur Park’ or ‘No More Tears (Enough is Enough)’ and LaKisha will be sent home in a mild upset because teenage white girls love the Blake. Heh, if you combine Justin from Season One’s Hair, Blake’s beatboxing, Chris’s average voice, Sanjaya’s dancing and the Aiken of Clay Aiken…..by their powers combined they form….

CAPTAIN J-TIM!!!

Captain J-Tim, he’s our hero! Gonna take pop music down to zero! Heh, that was pretty good.

Too right, the Top 20 Video Countdown is tomorrow (MAJOR moves in the Top 10, fools!) and SPIDERMAN 3 FRIDAY NIGHT!!! I well have a full review on (hopefully) Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Wow…how can Spiderman afford a giant robot on a teacher’s salary? I’m in the wrong line of work. See you after the movie tomorrow! EXCELSIOR!!!

Chachi Out!

Everybody Cut Loose! Kick Off Your Monday Shoes!

Hells yeah, peeps! It is the end of another month in 2007! Tomorrow begins May and…yeah this year is truly not looking so hot. Where is my Phantom? Where is my Lamborghini Diablo?! Where are the ladies with big booties and no clothes?! Man, Baseketball lied to me. I got the khakis and I got the job! Basic science says the next logical step is the chicks! Poppy-cock!

Eh, I should be sad but I am not. You know why? SPIDERMAN 3 ON FRIDAY, FISHES!! I already got my ticket and it is sooo going to rule my world! I am more excited to see Spiderman 3 thank Pirates 3 (mainly because of that ending) and Shrek 3. Transformers has my attention but it could really be hit or miss. I mean it should be awesome, but I’m a little afraid of it being totally ass. I was excited about ‘Masters of the Universe’ (the He-Man movie) and…that didn’t turn out so well.

Back to Spiderman 3. Is there anything on the planet more awesome that this movie? I mean really, think about it. What could be more awesome than Spidey vs. Venom? Making the Sandman an actual cool villain? Harry Osborne no longer being kind of a pussy, Dean Venture style? Peter going all gritty and grimey? Could anything rawk my face more than that aside from…Big Trouble in Little China 2? God…the thought of in makes my ears bleed with excitement! However, let us actually dive into this with a new feature of Passion of Chachi…Is There Anything?

It There Anything: More Ass-kicking than Spiderman 3?

That is a tough question, but there may be a few things that rock more than Spiderman 3…

Ninja-Vampires
Now this is a pipedream. Or a pipe nightmare depending on which school of though you are from. Just so you know, if you are not totally enamored with ninja pirates you are from the school of thought that YOU SUCK. A ninja vampire would be a entity so powerful that nothing…and I mean NOTHING could stop it. Except maybe pirate vampires. But that’s just not gonna happen. You know how much alcohol is in the bloodstream of a pirate? The BAC isn’t even a percentage, it is just rum. The awesomeness of a ninja vampire I would say would be more awesome than Spiderman 3. Now Spidey has beaten vampires (Morbius, Blade) and ninjas (The Hand, Elektra) but to combine the two would even be able to take down Spiderman. Aside from Batman (who actually WAS a ninja vampire if you want to be picky!) and The Tick, no one can come close to beating them. So yes, ninja vampires trump Spiderman 3.

Batman Begins 2
Speaking of the Bat…he does own Spidey. As probably the biggest Batman fan this side of Coast City (anyone that gets that reference gets a free Fresca) no one is looking forward to the sequel of Batman Begins more than I. Batman Begins is up there as not only the best comic book movie EVER (slightly ahead of the first Spiderman, Superman II, 300 and Road to Perdition) it stacks up to some of the other “all time great” movies. Titanic, I’m looking at you. Although Spiderman 3 will be awesome and Batman Begins 2 has Heath Ledger in it as the new Joker, it also has Aaron Eckhart as the new Harvey Dent. Anyone who saw ‘Thank You For Smoking” knows he can pull off the eventual coming of Two-Face. Not only that, Batman is more compelling than Spiderman (although I will argue the fact that Peter Parker makes a better CHARACTER than Bruce Wayne) as a hero and a character. As excited as I am for Spiderman 3 (I have had to change my underpants TWICE just talking about it) I am even MORE excited about Batman Begins Again. Heh, they can use that title.

Eggnog
If there was ever a racket, it is eggnog. It flows in like liquid glory (thanks, Joe!) every holiday season and then leaves just as quickly. It’s nutmegy, milky yet rummy goodness makes the holidays wonderful and tasty. As much as I am looking forward to Spiderman 3, I have the same excitement every October 30th because I know once Halloween ends that it is EGGNOG TIME! I heard if you are a good boy all fall, the Eggnog fairy leaves you a WHOLE GALLON of ice cold eggnog on your dresser on Christmas Eve! Combine that with the Rum Pirate (which leaves you a bottle of rum if you pillage ten villages in the calendar year. I’m up to seven already!) and you have the greatest Christmas ever. And the drunkest. So if I had to choose, eggnog rocks more than Spiderman 3. Man, I could go for some right now!

Well, those are a few things that rock more than Spiderman 3. It’s a small list, though. Be sure to go to your local movie house and check out the biggest movie to hit America since ‘Adventures in Babysitting’!

One last thing! Last year, it was The Chachi Awards (which ran into this year) and this year I have something special once again. This year I will officially open up the greatest and most exclusive club since The Babysitters Club! Man, two babysitting references in one post? That’s novel. Peeps, I give to you the next in pointless awards and achievement…

The Passion of Chachi Atrium of Awesomeness!!!

Yes, everyone else has a hall of fame. Why not have one for the most awesome of achievement in bad-assedness and kick-assedry? Wow, I am on a fucking ROLL today. Like a Pt Cruiser going over 65mph, I am on FI-YAH! There will be three inductees for 2007, one for Music, Movies and Miscellaneous. There will also be a Forum of the Fucktard for lifetime achievements in being a dipshit! I am a giver.

Now, I give you the first entrant into the Atrium of Awesomeness! He defined the 80’s with his awesome soundtrack work. His beard made us all want to look like Grizzly Adams. His lyrics inspired us to be alright and to of course….play with the boys. You know who he is. The first inductee into the Atrium of Awesomeness is…

KENNY LOGGINS!!

Congratulations! Stay tuned, peeps! The other two inductees will be announced soon and the ceremony will be at the end of May! Until next time, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out. AND GO SEE SPIDERMAN 3 THIS FRIDAY!!!

Funky Fresh Dressed With No Where To Go.

What is up, peeps! It is a BEAUTIFUL Sunday morning and I just came back in to drop some knowledge on ya’ll! First off, as many of you know (and fewer of you care) I went to see “Kickin It Old Skool” on Friday (by myself because my life is ‘teh suck’) and on Saturday because it ruled that much. Now, it is so time for a funky fresh edition of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: Pop N Lock Edition!
This Week: Kickin’ It Old Skool!

So for those of you that don’t know, this movie is about a break dancing 12-year old that during a competition he performs a move to humiliate his nemesis on the dancefloor and….busts his head, ending up in a coma for 20 years. He then wakes up in a world where hip-hop is no longer about the hippin and the hoppin, it is about the cars with rims and ladies not wearing any clothes.

First off, the whole opening segment kicks the ass with toys from Transformers, He-Man, Indian In The Cupboard (FUCK YES! THAT BOOK RULED!), Micro Machines from Galoob, MicroNaughts and of course the mightily crappy Go-Bots. That in itself was worth the trip. The biggest hilarity of this movie is the absurd possibility of the plot. For all its outlandishness…it was totally possible for a group of 32-year old men to reform a hip-hop dance crew and achieve their dreams of being professional break-dancers. I mean, if I had enough heart and soul to go out and quit my job and achieve my dreams, A2B would never have broken up and we would be singing ballads to hot Argentinian chicks rather than me reviewing this movie. Deep stuff.

This movie…was hilarious. There were jokes on the n-word, child abduction (it is funny in context, trust me) and man-boob grabbing. The performance of Michael Rosenbaum was fucking laugh out loud hilarious. From the pointless showing of his chest (?) to the subtle side comments (nothing like a well placed BURN!) he played the perfect villain to Jamie Kennedy. Maria Menudos was HAWT in this, albeit she did the worst acting job of the bunch. Well, it was okay but her first scene in the movie was laughable. I’m talking ‘MY FATHER DIDN’T STRUT’ laughable from Harry Potter. However, looking at that smile kind of negates shitty acting.

The real star of this movie is Cole. Who is Cole, you ask? Well, Cole was the leader of the Iced Cole Crew played by Jesse Brown. As a member of The Groove Crew, he taught America how to dance in DJ Dizzy's Dance Hizzy. In this movie, he STAYS straight serving fools! From his funky fresh dance moves to his HILARIOUS performance as Cole (You can dance in a video game….but can you dance in the streets?) actually stole the show for me. Trust me, if you don’t laugh at his spoof on Wade from “You Got Served” then you don’t know funny.

Speaking of ‘You Got Served’ this movie actually wasn’t bad as a parody in the dance department. Everyone has some skill, even the Funky Fresh Boys who are older and more out of shape than I am. Even the ‘krumpers’ (which I CANNOT STAND, its just Black people moshing) had some skill. Albeit it is not a serious movie, it does add a little having a true dance battle. Oh, and any training montage in a dancing movie is a welcome addition. Oh, and REO SPEEDWAGON, FOOLS! WHAT!!

All in all, the movie was good but it wasn’t without its faults. The humor was hit or miss, there are a few small plot holes (only two for the most part) and it actually ran a little long for a movie of this type. Overall, a fun time if you were in to break-dancing or the 80’s but be forewarned that it is not for kids (a lot of man ass and questionable word choices) and the non-nostalgia jokes are few and far between. Oh, and there is no Bob Saget, which loses half a star. Adding everything up, Kickin It Old Skool gets….

7.5 Out of 10 Stars!!!
(Funny stuff, funky fresh dancing, but hit or miss humor. Oh, but did I mention that Maria Menudos has a smile that could tame a ranging bear? Yeah, not a fan of the skinniness but I loves her smile Shanice style. Good movie if you are down for the b-boy stance. Peeps REPRESENT!)

Oh, and I have statement to make. Downtown Colorado Springs can eat it. First off, every club sucks. It is like a makeshift downtown Denver, and that aint saying much because downtown Denver sucks and is filled with too many White people. Colorado Springs is the exact same way, except for 50 Cent (who hasn’t even had new fucking work in a year or so) and more bros. Oh, and ladies: you DRESS UP to go to a club, not UNDRESS to go to a club. Wear some fucking clothes, have some damn class. I like every man is interested in the female anatomy. Just not in public during an Akon song.

Oh, and another thing that pissed me off. I went to Blondie’s (whatever in the fuck THAT is) with Zach and as we came in, the door douche asked for me to tuck my shirt in. I was cool with that, albeit a club in a shithole like Colorado Springs shouldn’t have a dress code anyway but rules are rules. He also after a pause asks Zach to do the same thing. As I am walking through this club and seeing the ugly…UGLY people of the CSP I notice something: NO ONE ELSE HAS THEIR SHIRT TUCKED IN. No one. Not nary a person. Hell, there was a white guy in a WIFE BEATER AND AN UNBUTTONED SHIRT WITH TATTOOS yet this fucker is concerned with my shirt being untucked. Fuck that shit.

Now I am no Polo Hilfiger-Jordache model but I believe I dress rather well. Tan dress shirt, pressed blue jeans with tan leather shoes to me is SOMEWHAT fashionable. Yet, there were people dressed like migrant workers there. Oh, and their shirts were untucked too. I don’t like to say it was racist (More than likely that was the case with only one other Black person in the club PERIOD. And his shirt was tucked in) but I will say it was fucking clownshoes. If your dress code is tucked in shirts, that is fine. Just say so. I have no problem with that. But if you ask ME to tuck in my shirt in an establishment full of white males that are either dressed a lot worse than I or have their shirts out that is bullshit. Utter and complete bullshit. If he just wanted to say I had a weapon, pat me down. If I wasn’t dressed correctly for a club (which I was, overdressed compared to 40% of the male clientele) he should have said so. Instead, Blondie’s just lost a patron. Fuck downtown Colorado Springs, fuck it in its stupid ear.

God, this is just beginning to piss me off. My life is hitting shitty levels of fall of 2006 when I got laid off or winter 2003 when my life completely went to shit (Get me drunk enough and I will SO tell you about it, just be prepared to feel an assault of obscenities like you have never heard before), albeit my own damn fault. Eh, it is just a rough patch. It is a good time for the revolution to come back; I can focus my anger to something constructive. Don’t worry, the Chachi will get it together at some point. There are people who are hurting worse than I am and this is dedicated to them:

Feel better, kiddo. Until the Chachi returns, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Pump Up The Jam!

What is up, peep! It is Friday, it’ spay day, and it is time to KICK IT OLD SCHOOL! But before I do that, it is time for what we do every Friday…

Chachi’s Top Video Countdown!

We jump right into the Countdown with two HUGE debut videos!

20. Yui – My Generation (New Entry)

OH. HELL. YES. The more Yui, the better! I just found out about this video on Thursday morning and I already have the song (I ripped from the PV) on my iPod, peeps! I can honestly say I like this song more than ‘Rolling Star’ and I LOVED THAT SONG! The video or song isn’t up there with ‘CHE.R.RY’ but few are. Yui also joins John Legend, Namie, Bi, Nelly Furtado, M-Flo and UVERworld as the only artists to have two videos on the Countdown at the same time! Oh, hell yes!
19. Orange Range – Ika Summer (New Entry)

The second new entry is from a group we haven’t seen in a coon’s age! Heh, I love that phrase. Orange Range hasn’t been on the Countdown since ‘Champione’ and it is good to see them back! I really like this video (the effects at the end are kind of bleh) but they guys all need a haircut. Damned hippies! Welcome back anyway!
18. Monkey Majik feat m-flo – Picture Perfect (Last Week #14)
From a video on the upswing to one on the down side. Monkey Majik are all over the place with TWO new videos out right now. They are putting in a lot of work this year. As for M-Flo…
17. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #19)
He moves up two spots this week with the SEXY AS HELL Crystal Kay in tow. This video is pure M-Flo goodness and Crystal Kay is just…let me just say I have never been a leg man. Until RIGHT NOW. My god….she can work it. I cant believe she is only twenty-frickin-one! Yeesh…I just cant win, can I?
16. Home Made Kazoku – Nagaraboshi ~Shooting Star~ (Last Week #12)
HMK falls four big spots this week and is in danger of falling out of the Top 20. ‘Fantastic 3’ is making moves in my playlist so you may see it on here soon. Until then, this video holds on.
15. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #17)

Adam Lavine and the crew move up two spots this week as they slowly move toward the Top 10. I have heard no word on the new album but I’m sure it will be here any day now. Their last album was okay but OVERPLAYED, lets hope that doesn’t happen with this one.
14. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #15)
Namie gets her dance on up one spot this week. I realized that Namie has several tattoos. At first I thought it was a few but it is actually a lot of them. No point to that, it was just interesting to me.
13. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #9)
So The Game falls four spots and out of the Top 10 this week. It seems that he is on the remix to Diddy’s “Last Nite” and it actually…doesn’t make me want to Rock Bottom a four-year old. Sometimes hip hop surprises me.
12. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #15)
The gang is once again knocking on the door of the Top 10. They were on American Idol on Wednesday (along with frickin Bono…) and I liked what I heard. This video also is quite cool and I swear the lead singer is Lance Bass. He has to be.
11. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #16, Biggest Mover)

Believe it! I am SO GLAD Naruto doesn’t say that in Shippuuden or I am effectively blocking it out. Anyway, nobodyknows+ moves up five HUGE spots this week and is just outside the Top 10! I just got the single and oh hell yes this song is bad ass. The video is simple but thug and their catalog is pretty bad ass to boot. Well, we have made it to the Top 10!
10. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #7)
Even with a new album out in a month, Bennie K continues to fall this week. Not to worry! I’m sure Yuki and Cico will grace us with their beauty again soon!
9. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #10)
K-OS moves up one spot this week and looks to have slowed down a tad. Still love this video, but there are some others that are getting more play…
8. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #11)
Like this one! Kumi Koda makes her long awaited return to the Top 10 after a big jump! You know if Ms. Koda has dance moves and is half dressed…she will SO be on here. Even though she has I think three videos (‘But’ is okay and ‘Aisho’ has kimonos which are HAWT) I like this one the best because she can actually dance when she aint doing the stripper moves. Welcome back to the Top Ten, but don’t get to comfortable…
7. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #8)

….Because you have some competition! Yuna Ito moves up one spot this week and keeps Ms. Koda at bay. Can you say CATFIGHT, peeps! All I can say is me in the middle of that would be quite the nice sandwich. Normally I am against the ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ (The Tag Team, which I think is a waste of a good woman IMHO) but in this case…I likes a lot.
6. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #3, two weeks at #1)
So Daughtry leaves the Top Three for the first time since February and lands at #6 this week. He had a great run, knocking Namie Amuro of the top and tying with John Legend for a week. Looks to be the front runner for New Artist of the Year!
5. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #6)
TDG is slowly and quietly making their way up the Countdown this week. Kind of like Evanescence, they have kind of been sneaking around in my iPod until ‘One-X’ is one of the most played albums I have. It’s working and TDG has their first Top Five video!
4. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #5)
Slowly but surely, Avril is moving up as well! She is no Yuna Ito…but Avril has her moments of hawtness. Sadly, her manga is real and is being released supposedly in May. I will so not by buying that. Now if Bryan Adams did a manga…I would so be all over that! Anyway, it is time for the big three!
3. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #1, four weeks at #1)

Oh no! After a month holding down the top, which is the longest this year, John Legend falls to #3 this week! That is quite the shocker, but he had an awesome run and seems to be a front runner for Artist of the Year. You know what this means…NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!! Who is it?
2. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #4)

The boys of UVERworld are looking for their FOURTH Number One video as the move up two places to #2! Without a doubt, ‘BUGRIGHT’ has the Album of the Year on lockdown and this video is up there as well so far! Can it take the top spot? We will have to see! Until then, we have a new #1 video!
1. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #2, one week at #1)

Congratulations to Yui! Not only does she have her second #1 video, she has TWO videos in the Top 20 to boot! Big year for the uber-hawt Yui! I love this song and I finally got over the deer in the video! I still don’t trust them, though. So far, Yui is two for two in 2007, great work!

Well, that is all for this week! Can Yui hold on to the top spot for a second week? Or will UVERworld have their record breaking FOURTH #1 video? Can John Legend reclaim his throne? Or can Avril leap over them all for her first Number One ever? Tune in next week and find out! I will try to be up Sunday night for a review of ‘Kickin It Old School’ but until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out!

Release Your Inner Roboto!

Okay, peeps. Enough with the serious stuff, I get the point. You have come to expect scathing wit, offensive humor and total irreverent (and irrelevant) conversation and I aim to please!

As most of you know, j-pop has dominated my car stereo play and my iPod playlist. If you don’t listen to it, you are kind of missing out. Now I know that the music is in a different language but so is hip hop and country. You listen to that don’t you? Hell, you listen to Akon and that man has no redeeming musical qualities whatsoever. With all that said, it is time to continue what I started in August (man that was a while back!) with a look into what I like and how to compare it to what you dig!

Learnin' With Master Chief Captain Chachi’s J-Pop 201

Welcome class. SIT THE FUCK DOWN! Thank you. Now we covered a few of my favs last time with Kumi Koda, HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR and Orange Range. Now it is time to step it up a little bit with some more complex tunes from across the Pacific! First, we have probably my favorite artist right now:

If You Like Michelle Branch, You’ll Love: Yui

Mmm….Yui. Anyone who reads this blog, rides in my car or hears my ringtones knows how much I love Yui. Ever since her first album (which I got on accident looking for Yoko Ishida. Cosmic) I have been a total fan of her. Then when she made the 5th ending theme form Bleach with ‘Life’ I was hooked. In her total hotness, she plays guitar a la Michelle Branch and write most of (if not all) of her own songs. She makes great videos as we all saw ‘Rolling Star’ and ‘CHE.R.RY’ and her live performances are awesome. Her voice takes a while to get used to if you aren’t into acoustic or modern rock but once you get into it, she will totally be your hawtie. She’s mineJ “Can’t Buy My Love” is in stores now! Next, we have a band I heard of a while back but didn’t really get into until I heard them on Death Note (which rules your face in its’ own right)…

If You Like System of a Down, Static X and ska fusion, You’ll Love: Maximum the Hormone

HELLS YES! I first heard of these guys on torrent I got last year and it snuck onto my iPod. The song was ‘Koi no Megalover’ and it was ‘teh rawk’. I didn’t find much from them (mainly because their name wasn’t said, they were just Track 9 and the title) but I found some other work and it really got me into them. Then once day I downloaded the new Death Note and there was this song. This song made me want to break everything in my room. It was that fucking awesome. It was heavy as hell and loud for no reason, the way rock should be, DAMMIT! I had to have the album and my god. It is all over the place in a good way. There is some ska elements in ‘Kuso Breakin Nou Breakin Lily’ (translation, anyone?) and some mainstream elements in ‘Lousiana Bob’. There is something from Maximum for every fan of every style of rock. Needless to say, they rock your face. Next….no words describe…

If You Like Usher & J-Tim (minus egos) & Funky Fresh Dancing, You’ll Love: Bi (Rain)

This man has created a paradigm shift in the way that pop music….nay….music in GENERAL will be formulated from this day forward. I had heard some Bi here and there between my love of BoA and the funkiness of Se7en (Passion Remix kicks ass!) but man then I heard ‘Free Way.’ That song…changed my life for the better. Seriously, my life has looked up ever since. After that, the video for ‘I’m Coming’ came out and so did I. Hard and repeatedly. I so couldn’t stop. DANCING YOU PERVS! Bi has the dope dance moves, the bishie looks (even I can’t deny he is approaching Gackt levels of hawt) and the groovy tunage to make for a great addition to your collection. Oh, and for a sexy ballad, put on some ‘Move On’ or ‘Without You’ for some relax time with your baby boo. I haven’t had the chance to use them MYSELF, but I am sure the ladies will swoon. Oh, and he is KOREAN not Japanese. I am fully aware and even with that he is totally the man right now. Up next is something I just got into a few months ago…

If You Like Fall Out Boy mixed with a little Hoobastank, You’ll Love: Abingdon Boys School

Now I am new to these guys, I must admit. I found them while trying to find episodes of D-Gray Man on Isohunt (The manga was cool after three volumes, if you are interested). Their song ‘Innocent Sorrow’ was the opening theme and my fucking god! This song was BAD ASS! They have the lyrical stylings of Fall Out Boy (catchy refrains and unrelenting vocals) yet they have the ‘we wanna rock but wanna be radio friendly’ musical work of Hoobastank and Incubus as well. I have only heard two other songs from them, but ‘Howling’ is pretty damn good as well. If you are into rock a little, they kind of make you stop the dial and say ‘Hold the phone, what the hell was that?’ You stay for the listen and gradually get hooked. Now is going to come a shocker for those that know me and my love/hate relationship with the next guy…

If You Like Ja Rule (WHERE’S JA?!), You’ll Love: Seamo

Okay…alright. Settle down class! First off, Ja Rule was not THAT BAD! He was just everywhere for too long. Besides, everyone else sang their own hooks after him as well so they have no complaints. Seamo has surprisingly picked himself up in the lyrical and singing department. As many of you know, the first 30 seconds of Bennie K’s “Love Story” made me want to uppercut a puppy in the gut. It pissed me off that bad. After a while his verses grew on me (except the ‘CRUNK!’ at the beginning). Since, his body of work has improved as has his skills. He was quite Ja Rule-like on ‘Sotsugyou Soshite Miraihe’ with Monkey Majik (who will be in J-Pop 450: J-Pop Advanced) and his new song ‘Cry Baby’ is nice and catchy. The big jump is shown in “Fantastic 3” with Home Made Kazoku in which he actually rips up the mic! If you dig “hip-pop” then you will dig yourself some Seamo. Lastly…

If You Like Christina Aguilera (pre-Dirrty) You’ll Love: Yuna Ito

DAAAAAH! My future wife until May J lifts the restraining order! First off, Yuna Ito can sing. And when I mean sing I mean SING. Listen to ‘Truth’ and tell me she doesn’t have a majestic voice, even in a language you don’t understand. Her vocal range is awesome and her songs great to listen to no matter what the mood. Oh, and she is quite the nice. I mean DAMN. Check out the video for ‘Losin’ and tell me that aint the combo of awesome song and damn saucy lady. Not only that, she has some funky fresh dance moves in her videos and live shows! Nothing beats ill moves, peeps. Has the voice of Christina, the moves of BoA (Okay, maybe not BoA but they are still good) and the hawtness of Sowelu. Who is HAWT. Look her up, guys. She is nice.

And that is the lesson for today. Your homework: make a 30 second freestyle dance routine to Bi’s “I’m Coming”. Be prepared to get loose for the class. I will also accept Para Para and break dancing as long as it is dope. Class dismissed!

Well, that is all for now. I may be back up tomorrow (four posts in a week is kind of my limit) but I will definitely be up Friday for the Video Top 20 Countdown. Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out.

THIS Is Why Men Are Fucking Stupid.

Okay, first off MySpace sucks. I swear on everything the fucker never works. From spam friends to never accepting a post it all-round sucks. FIX IT!

Secondly, I was actually going to not post this on Blogger, just the 'Bulletins' section of the MySpace but I decided why not let my five Blogger readers see my fury of stupid men? I got this from a friend of mine at The Q (Rick) and he went OFF in his bulletin about how much this guys theories on how to get a woman and what men do wrong. After reading, I decided a post was a better place to air out my response, mainly because this is my diary/venting point and aside from one or two things in my life (which if you want to know I will answer), every thing I have done has been an open book to my Blogger readers.

Okay…I am going to stay calm. I know women don’t get men (despite what Cosmo may tell you) but I guess men don’t get (understand) women because they take advice from other STUPID ASS MEN! God…I replied to each one of these as calmly as I could…

“MISTAKE #1: BeingToo Much Of A "Nice Guy"
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted "nice" guys?Of course you have.Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.What's going on here?It's actually very simple...Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.And guess what?Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you.I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.”

Okay, so you are basically saying that women want to be treated like crap? Well yeah, stupid women do. This guy is basically saying that women are attracted at the primal level. That there is no depth in terms of personality that women find attractive. If she is a total trollop whore, I can agree with that. The simple fact is no man starts off as a jerk. Some do, I have seen them and they do get women. But have you seen the women they get? They get women that EXPECT TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT FROM A JERK! So this dude is really just saying that ‘dumb women get dumber guys’ which isn’t new. And neither is women dating jerks. Like I said, no man starts off as a jerk (at least from the information I have gathered and the relationships I have witnessed), he gradually senses that she has either become comfortable with his shit or has low enough self esteem to be treated like crap and accept it. I know, I have seen it and I have been there. As for not getting what I want because of being nice. I am not nice. Ask any woman that knows me and she will tell you. I am as abrasive and a fucking rusty chainsaw with a bad motor. Men who are jerks get women because those are the kind of guys those women are attracted to. Is it the majority? No. Are the majority of men jerks? And fucking how. Now if there are more women than men, and the majority of men are jerks…where do you think the odds lie? Come on, fucker numbers are more relevant than emotions. For a dickhole that speaks about ‘logic’ you cant use is with ‘emotion’. The two are parallel fucking lines and never intersect. Moron.

MISTAKE #2: Trying To"Convince Her To Like You
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just not interested?Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!Never, ever, EVER.You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".Think about it.If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?But we all do it.When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.Bad idea. One that will never work.”

Wow, I will admit I’ve been there. Never did I try to change myself; I changed my actions which was WORSE. When a woman isn’t interested in me but I am in her, I chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. It sucks, but it is fucking life. If she aint interested, let her go. I don’t agree with you because odds are you should know she aint interested from jump street. As a comm. Major we are taught to read non-verbals and I believe I read them well. I don’t CARE a lot of the times but I know signs of non-interest.“

MISTAKE #3: Looking To HerFor Approval Or Permission
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission".Another HORRIBLE idea.Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.Don't get me wrong here.You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...”

Wow, this is funny. I could give a fuck about whether a woman thinks I am unfunny, abrasive, anti-social, mean, rude or an overall asshole. You know why? That’s me. Maybe this dude is just a sissy but I don’t ask for permission from ANY woman aside my mom. And that’s because she will cut me on general purpose. If it is something that is a unified decision then we compromise. I am grown and so is she. Asking for permission is asinine. The way I look at it, you shouldn’t have to ask permission because if you are together, you should be doing whatever it is you are asking together or the other party would understand the situation and be fine with the independence. An ex asked my permission about something and I asked her if she was twelve. We didn’t last long, but my point was made.“

MISTAKE #4: Trying To "Buy" Her Affection With Food And Gifts
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did?If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT.Well guess what? It's only NATURAL when this happens...That's right, I said NATURAL.When you do these things, you send a clear message:"I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection". Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.”

Heh, this is interesting. Women are ingrained to feel that they are being manipulated by men any-fucking-way so it is a Catch-22. Any woman that expects you to pay for her at all points (and Rick will tell you I have been there and we weren’t EVEN DATING) is a whore. You are, get over it. I pay because I want to. Hell, I pay for my male friends sometimes and that isn’t because I am ‘insecure about our relationship’. Its because it is the cool thing to do sometimes. Whoever is giving this insight got fucked over and is looking for a reason for why. Never look for a reason because closure on emotional situations (which dating/courting is) is different by situation. This person is blanketing a result of one situation and relaying it to a few similar situations, by doing so is trying to address all situations everyone will have this point forward. Good job, fucky.“

MISTAKE #5: Sharing"How You Feel" Too Early InThe Relationship With Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.Attractive women are rare. And they get a LOT of attention from men. Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.And guess what?Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.They know what to expect.And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves.Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.There's a much better way...”

Okay, let me lay this down because I can say I have seen it a lot in my years. ALL women are approached by ALL TYPES of men. Except nice, jaded guys because we are under the assumption they will say no. First off, if a woman looks at a relationship as a power struggle of who shows their feelings first then she is a bitch and deserves to be treated poorly. I hate to say that but it is the same for men so shut the fuck up. If you are comfortable in telling the woman you have feelings for how you feel and she says ‘Gear down, big shifter’ that is normal. It takes time to figure out how you feel about someone (SOMETIMES LIKE 3 FUCKING YEARS). Any man that says that after two dates unless they have known each other for a while is either looking for tang, fucking insane or doesn’t FULLY mean it but sort of feels funny in pants when she is around. Maybe YOU said that after two dates and she ran, but you are obviously a fucktard.

“MISTAKE #6: Not "Getting" How Attraction Works For Women
Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.But does the same apply for women?Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?Think about it.Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.

*Sigh* What a fucking moron. There is nothing to “get” about attraction. It is special for each person which is why magazines suck so much ass. Women are attracted to different traits just like men are. Hell, some men think that women that curse are unattractive and I find that shit FUCKING HAWT. Some women find assholes attractive and that is fine and dandy like red vine candy. There is nothing to learn because it changes, just like human emotions do. To ‘learn’ emotions is pointless because once again, they are special for the individual. If you don’t have that facter in that person that makes you attractive to them then they may just not be the one for you. Shit, this isn’t Felicity where you can make Ben love you if he just realizes you are made for each other. Bullshit, love is what love is. It is unpredictable, has no rhyme or reason and for the most part is unknowing. You don’t learn love, you embrace it when it happens, you fuck.

“MISTAKE #7: Thinking That ItTakes Money And Looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome.Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Looks are just as important to men as they are to women. As for money: Akon. That man is ugly as an Ugandan Yeti Raper and twice as stupid. Listen to him talk and he has very little redeeming about him but he gets women because he is rich and a percentage of women are fucking morons that want to fuck a celebrity. So it DOES take money and looks don’t let anyone fool you. It is whether that is the ONLY criteria that is at question. Like I stated in my rant about ‘What’s Wrong With Being Shallow’ there is nothing wrong with liking what you like. It is their own preference and who the hell am I to change them? However, the point is by being narrow-minded and judgmental they could be missing out on a very good person. It’s not up for you to decide. If they are interested, they will respond in turn or hell, they may go after you. I don’t speak from experience, women hate me. Even still, I may be ugly, but you are wrong.

“MISTAKE #8: Giving AwayAll Of Your Power To WomenEarlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.Another bad idea...Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!”

Wow, not only are you a fucktard but you are redundant. You must have been shocked by a car battery. You see, there is a difference between doing something to get a woman to like you and doing something because you want to. Women can perceive it however they want. Fuck them if they cant adjust because I know I wont be. There are men that get walked over because they want to be liked and there are men that do things for women because they like them. Subtle difference. Either way, it is all in how the woman perceives it. I cant force or change the way she thinks. If I did, she is weak-minded and I aint with that. If I open a door, pull out a chair and always pay and she respects that because she knows I care that’s one thing. However, if she EXPECTS that then the issue is hers. Now if you buy her gifts and do as she says in fear of losing her, not in the feeling of caring about her then you are indeed a ‘wussie’. I guess 1989 is back in effect. Besides, any woman that sees a relationship as a power struggle…shouldn’t be in a relationship.

“MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingEXACTLY What To Do In EachType Of Situation With WomenNow I'm going to blow your mind...A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking.Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES.I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.And you KNOW it.

The more I read, the more I realize that these are the people that create the need for The Revolution. The simple fact is that if women were better at reading body language and non-verbals, there would be more female world leaders. Yeah, I went there. Every comedian says that a woman knows exactly how a date is going to go and men are just along to connect the dots. If that is the case, fine. I really don’t care. If on my few interactions with women, if I made a wrong turn and didn’t kiss when I was supposed to (or did when I wasn’t. WOW those are funny) they you know what? Live and learn. If every woman had the exact same blueprint then there wouldn’t be date rape or no babies would be born. Women, JUST LIKE (some) MEN, are all different. At least I would hope so as much as you claim to be individuals. Women don’t always know what a man is thinking. You know why? Because the human mind has been a quandary since the dawn of time and to even SUGGEST that women have had the answer to brain waves and conceptualized thought with a brain one half the size of a mans (its science, look it up) is preposterous. You are just looking for tang by giving women too much credit. Or too LITTLE credit by saying they are simple creatures of habit and can be caught by shiny objects and following your stupid little steps. The human being is complex, men and women are both individuals and they should be treated as such, not lumped into a generic little box so you can explain your past shortfalls with the opposite sex.

“It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.”

Even if this last statement IS the case, I will reiterate that NO…WOMAN…IS…THE…SAME. To suggest so shows that you have learned NOTHING from your past experiences. I really am questioning the legitimacy of this article or whatever it is because it is completely stupid. In the end, women are attracted to who they are attracted to you. If you have to CONVINCE a woman to be attracted to you then you are a very, very sorry man and she is an even WORSE of a woman. If you present yourself and she says ‘Hey, this dude isn’t a total asshat’ and things go from there, that is the first step of getting to know someone.

This is the ONLY time you will ever hear me address anything about love. I have a format of the irreverent and the irrelevant to focus on here.

Besides in the immortal words of the late, great poet Jermaine Stewart:

Kind of ironic he died from AIDS. Even still, great song with a good message. Now come on, girl let’s get some cherry wine! Heh, Kandice gets it.

And that is all for today. I am odds are going to post date this rant and I will be back on Thursday. I am going to try a post a day for about a week or so. Tell me how you feel about that, peeps. I am about to listen to DespairsRay. Heard a song on someone’s MySpace page (I don’t know your name! I’m a horrible friend!) and now I’m hooked. Until the next time…

Chachi Out