I Am A Real American!

What is up, peeps! We are ONE DAY AWAY!! One day away from the greatest piece of American cinema since The Last Unicorn! Yeah, you know it. SPIDERMAN 3, FISHES!! I am SO ready for this, and clocking in at 2 hours and 20 minutes means I should be out in time to crash the town! Or…write on message boards about how kick ass it was. Mainly because I am a geek and geeks don’t party. Except once a year at NDK during the J-Pop Dance PARTAAAAY! Which makes me want to fucking cry.

So, quick American Idol updates! Since Rick doesn’t like receiving bulletins about how much I hate Chris and Blake (or as I call them, two of the J-Tim Force because together they form Voltron) I will just say this right now: sending Chris home was correct. His rendition of ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ was pedestrian. And by that I mean I wanted to walk on his fucking face. I have never REALLY been a Bon Jovi fan (They will NEVER, EVER rawk as hard as Foreigner) but even I think he tackled a song that was well above what he could do. Chris has a better voice than his teammate (more on that fucker later) but it is still average at best. He tried, but he had one of the weaker performances of the bunch.

Sending Phil home was wrong. Just…wrong. I think that his performance of ‘Blaze of Glory’ (one of the Bon Jovi songs I like) was BAD ASS (albeit a lot of yelling, but that’s what you do when you RAWK! YOU BELT FOR THE RAFTERS!) and probably the best pure rock performance of the night. He was in his element and truly shined. His best since “Every Breath You Take”.

Now before I get to Blake’s annoying ass, I will tell you who SHOULD have went home: Jordin. Don’t get me wrong, if she was 18 I would TOTALLY wreck that. By the fire and romantically of course. The simple fact is she was horrible. Now I am an average singer (unless you throw on ‘Old Man River’ or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’) but she was the worst on Tuesday by far and in the middle of the pack two weeks ago. People are obviously drinking the LaKisha Kool-Aid. And NO that isn’t a reference because she is big boned or Black. Although when she was wearing the red and black, if she would have bust through a wall no one would have known the difference. I’m just saying. She a good gospel type singer, but she isn’t marketable and has the charisma of a stoned panda. Voice does not equal success, see Taylor Hicks. She could have went home as well, but she had a good performance. As for Melinda, her performances have been consistent B to B+ quality (while everyone else has been ALL OVER THE PLACE) and she has the Jill Scott thing going for her (classy, humble with a little bit of flash) and I can say she is the front-runner right now. She is the only one (IMHO) who has never really been in any danger of going home. I picked her to win, too! Red Robin here I come!

Now to the Justin Timberlake hellspawn known as Blake. Okay, I will be the first to admit. He did something novel and interesting on Tuesday (which saved his ass because he picked up a lot of swing voters) and I can commend him for that. Seriously people. He beat-boxed to Bon Jovi. Bon-FUCKING-JOVI! First off…..no. Just no, that’s not how things work. Secondly, he is nowhere near the beat-boxer his donor is (J-Tim was actually pretty good at it) and he got Jay-Z’d (served on his own track i.e. Renegades from ‘The Blueprint’) on his performance by the drummer. As much of a chance as he took and as interesting as it was, people are forgetting one thing: HE CAN’T SING. His actual singing during that performance was average; barely above Jordin who was just BAD during hers. American Idol is as Simon said ‘a singing competition’ and if this was based on singing, Jordin and Blake would have gone home. However, if this was a singing competition and not some sideshow Sanjaya would have never even MADE it on the air. So for another week I have to pray someone FINALLY mails a mountain lion to Blake. I cant, the post office doesn’t except my packages anymore after the Carrot Top incident.

Next week, I think Blake will do a Bee Gee’s song (because he fucking sucks), Melinda will do ‘MacArthur Park’ or ‘No More Tears (Enough is Enough)’ and LaKisha will be sent home in a mild upset because teenage white girls love the Blake. Heh, if you combine Justin from Season One’s Hair, Blake’s beatboxing, Chris’s average voice, Sanjaya’s dancing and the Aiken of Clay Aiken…..by their powers combined they form….

CAPTAIN J-TIM!!!

Captain J-Tim, he’s our hero! Gonna take pop music down to zero! Heh, that was pretty good.

Too right, the Top 20 Video Countdown is tomorrow (MAJOR moves in the Top 10, fools!) and SPIDERMAN 3 FRIDAY NIGHT!!! I well have a full review on (hopefully) Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Wow…how can Spiderman afford a giant robot on a teacher’s salary? I’m in the wrong line of work. See you after the movie tomorrow! EXCELSIOR!!!

Chachi Out!