So I have officially had enough of fake jubblies. Not like I am tonguing them down like an ice cream cone in Alabama in the summertime every day but the fact tha men love them so much is just getting creeps. Ladies...THEY ARE OBJECTS OF SCIENTIFIC ORIGIN IN YOUR FUCKING CHEST! They arent attractive in any way shape or form! They look like they hurt like hell, actually. I hope you are trying to impress yourself because they look TOLERABLE when clothes are on but when they are off, fake boobs look like tumors trying to escape by violently tearing through your chest and reform into evil boob beings bent on world domination. Damn your self-esteem (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Women piss me off with that one), think about the safety of the planet here!
What I really don’t get is the seed that is implanted (No pun intended; that was just ironic word placement. Wait, isn’t that what a pun is?) in women’s heads that it is what men want. It makes very little sense if that is why you get them because isn’t the whole point of “Grrl Power” to be happy with yourself and your body and fuck the world if they can’t adjust? As the song said, “I’M BEAUTIFUL, DAMMIT!” I tell myself that lie every day. It helps me get through being as unlovable and self-loathing as a gay Catholic Irish Jew Nazi gypsy. Back to the point, if women say that they are getting them for themselves that makes even less sense. To me anyway, I also like to huff paint so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Why doesn’t it make sense? Because tits don’t define a woman. Don’t get me wrong in a perfect society they SHOULD but at the end of the day, all boob meat does is produce milk and distract horny white college frat boys. And that is only to hide the fact the swallow more salami than a butcher’s wife. Keep that one because it is pure gold. If getting fake breasts help your self esteem then more misguided power to you. However, you know who else liked fake tits?
Hitler.
You don’t want to appease HITLER do you? Not only are women succubi, they are Nazi. I always knew the end of the world would be via a Nazi succubus. The part of this whole situation is that women insult other women with implants ALL THE DAMN TIME! Yet so many of them have gone out and put fake Zeppelins in their chest and it is getting annoying and I am thinking maybe unhealthy both physically and mentally. No matter what any doctor says, putting a foreign object in your body, let alone in your chest near a few (I guess, anatomy isn’t my thing) somewhat vital organs seems like a pretty dumb fucking idea. Again, that is just me and I ate a lot of mushrooms in the late 90’s. Is putting your life at stake worth having 34D’s for your obviously skewed and somewhat fucked up self-esteem? If you have fake tits in your body because of any of these reasons, shooting you in the face should be not only allowed but encourages and compensated:
1. You Wanted To Spite A Man (Bright move, bitch. To upset a man that left you for fake tits you went out and got your own instead of like…investing or something. You can no longer vote…although you should have never been able to. Woman’s Suffrage should be in the kitchen, not in the voting booth! Same to DARKIES. Except their Civil Rights Movement should move them RIGHT BACK TO THE FIELD! PICK THAT DAMN COTTON, NIGGER! If you don’t get irony, stop reading this blog now. Please, it saves me the time of having to hear your fool-ass-mouth about how offensive I am because you can’t take scathing and provocative social commentary)
2. You Wanted To Get A Man (Gut check time, ladies. If a man only likes women with fake or large tits and you aint got them maybe he aint for you? If a woman wanted a white man but loved everything about me am not going to invest in shoe polish! STOP BEING STUPID!)
3. Self-Esteem (Okay….enough already. My self-esteem has been damaged by how people told me I SHOULD feel about myself but at the end of the day I just said “Fuck them in their stupid heads” and kind of either tried to kill them or moved on. If your self esteem will be helped by fake breasts then you should be shot now because you are nothing but an asshat and your asshattery will no longer be tolerated)
4. They Make You Feel “Pretty” or “Even” (WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, A FRACTION?! Listen, you are what you are and tits can’t change that. If you are a bitch, giving you fake tits aren’t going to change the fact that you are a bitch. Much like a mouthy wide receiver, fake breasts are an external fix to the overall package of beauty. Yet, if you want to be respected for your mind, the kind of male clientele you will attract with fake breasts could care less is what is on your mind. They may love your brain, but only if you cup and swallow)
5. To Be An Individual (You know what, I want to get all the women with fake breasts and all the women with tattoos on the small of their back and put them in a room. Odds are they would overlap in the 65% to 70% range. Why? BECAUSE GETTING FAKE TITS AND TATTOOS ARENT INDIVIDUALITY! IT IS THE ULTIMATE IN CONFORMITY! God, women are the new fucking emo. We need to proceed to bomb the fuck out of that room and start over civilization)
6. DADDY DIDN’T LOVE ME! (You know what? I actually heard this when I was in college. Now she didn’t SAY this, but my probing questions….which were all pretty much “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU”….found that was the end result. You know what? My family has tried to kill me 3 times. TODAY! You don’t see me running around killing puppies and kidnapping minors. You know why? Because I found a way to DEAL WITH SHIT like feeling like my parents didn’t love me! By drinking. Everybody got their something)
7. It’s My Body! Whateva! I Do What I Want! (You are correct. It is your body. I have two words for you: Lil Kim.
Nuff said
8. I Didn’t Have To Pay For Them, My Husband/Boyfriend/Pimp Did! (Okay….so if your husband paid for radial tires, would you stitch them onto your fucking thighs? Because that is what you are doing.
The simple fact is that at the end of the day, you have to be you. I am not saying people with fake breasts are conformist dogs that should be shot in the base of the skull nor am I saying they are whores. However, I am saying that there are only TWO logical reason for getting implants:
• Your boobs are uneven (That has to be JACKED. Up until the surgery and had one ball that was twice the size of the other. I’m happier now….although no one aside from me and that security guard at the mall have seen them)
• You need them for work (GOD BLESS STRIPPERS! Seriously, because they are going to hell)
If you need them for work then more power to you because odds are you are doing anal and that aint how I roll. Or you are sliding down a pole and once again….that aint how I roll. No matter how many drinks you give me. Unless it’s Bi or Prince.
HE IS HOLDING A PUPPY! HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM?! As for Prince, his Bankai is his sexy. To use it would make everyone in the world orgasm at the same time causing mass hysteria and sexual Armageddon. He could impregnate the whole city of Pittsburg with is damn shikai. Wow….I think I just outnerded myself.
For the fellas. Seriously, would you rather have this:
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Or THIS:
I dont know about you, but give me Alicia (AND HER FINE SELF), Hyori and Mandy Moore any day. Look, ladies they have average titty balls too boot! Be happy with yourselves, you're beautiful...just not always bright.
Anyway, nothing wrong with you if you want to get fake bra steaks. There just really isn’t a reason because it doesn’t make you beautiful. Being smart and hating Nick Cannon make you beautiful. Me…I’m about the jiggle jam. The pudding cups. The rump roast. The rumpatory. The backyard:
Now THAT’S Big Pimpin. Thick like a McDonald’s milkshake with Snickers in it with a half-size straw in a blizzard in Tibet. TASTES GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Hate if you want, ladies. Who cares what is in the frontyard anyway? The back yard has the barbeque so that means it has the FIY-YAH!
Mmmm....like I said, its better to beg for change than beg for dollars when it comes to the booty. Ah, objectification of women is not cool peeps. They deserved to be respected for their minds. *Tries to keep straight face*
Well, I am out. I may post my Perfection Rant on Thursday as I may need more time to finish this latest rant. It will be my first in a few months and I want it to be worth the wait. Until then, stay up and stay tuned.
Chachi Out
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