Watchmen: GO FUCKING WATCH IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING?! GO NOW!!

Okay, Watchmen is out today and it is nine hours long so I have to get started so I can make it to work on time on Monday once it gets out…on Monday. It’s time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

First, we have Falling Out:

Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (Peaked at #2)
Nana Mizuki – TRICKSTER (Peaked at #2)

Two videos that came close to taking the top spot. Oddly enough: both stopped by YA-KYIM. Irony at its finest. Let’s begin with a J-Pop princess making her return!

20. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me(New Entry)

Come Back To Me - Utada
We start off with the return of arguably the biggest J-Pop artist not named Ayumi Hamasaki! Miss Utada has been gone for quite a while and she returns with an English track of all things! I have to say it has a good R&B vibe to it and it is good to see her and BoA coming stateside. Bout damn time!
19. Young Jeezy featuring Nas – My President Is Black (Last Week #16)
Jeezy and Nas fall three spots this week and look to be falling out of the Countdown after a long but disappointing run. Can Young Jeezy rebound after two lackluster videos?
18. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (New Entry)

Prom Queen - Lil Wayne
Young Weezy is on the Countdown! He was on here with Game a few months ago but this is his first time on here solo. I have been playing this song NON-STOP for the last few weeks and am kind of looking forward to his rock album. Hopefully it will be like Kanye’s out of the box experiment.
17. Kanye West – Heartless (Last Week #14)
Mr. West falls three more spots this week as it looks like his dominance may be over for a spell. “Welcome to Heartbreak” premiered and I love that video so…expect to see it soon.
16. Aqua Timez - Velonica (Last Week # 13)

Speaking of falling, Aqua Timez is also falling this week and they have TWO NEW VIDEOS to back this one up. See, this is how you do things!
15. YA-KYIM respects KOME KOME CLUB – Kimi Ga Iru Dake De (Last Week #9, Four Weeks at #1)
YA-KYIM falls from the Top Ten for the first time since 2008! This is one of the biggest videos of the year and it is only 3 months old! Can they keep the streak up?
14. Abingdon Boys School - STRENGTH (Last Week #18)
ABS moves up four spots this week as they look to overtake UVERworld as the biggest rock band on the Countdown. Although if you toss in Paramore…they may be number three. Maybe even number four…IF YOU WANT A SPOILER!
13. Joe Inoue – Closer (Last Week #11)
Joe falls two spots this week and slows down his descent. What the hell?! I kind of miss Naruto! Damn, I never thought I would say that but you don’t know what you got till it aint subbed I guess…
12. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #19, Biggest Mover)
My baby boo moves up a HUGE seven spots this week! That is the second biggest jump EVER! I just realized this song samples “No One” by Alicia Keys in arguably the biggest “AH-HA” moment of 2009. Just so you know, that video went to number one for five weeks on the Countdown. Just saying.
11. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #15)

Speaking of moving up, Shion Tsuji moves up four big ones and is just short of the Top Ten! For her first time out, she is kind of rocking the box! Love this song, btw.
10. RSP with DA BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS – LA.LA.LA LOVE SONG (Last Week #6. One Week at #1)
We begin the Top 10 with a former number one! It is also the longest running video on the Countdown this year and is closing in on May J’s record for the longest running video on the Countdown ever as it has been here since NOVEMBER. Now that’s big pimpin.
9. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #12)
Another day, another T.I. video in the Top Ten! TIP and J-Tim are back together again almost three years exactly when they were in the Top 10 last time with “My Love” man…that was three years ago? Shit, The Q is miles away at this point.
8. BoA - Eien (Last Week #10)

BoA moves up two spots this week as I wait for her fricking English album that WILL NEVER COME. Between her and Se7en I am giving up on the K-Pop invasion.
7. NERD – Sooner or Later (Last Week #4)
After coming so close to taking the number one spot, NERD falls from the Top Five this week. I wonder when in the hell the CRS album is coming…if ever.
6. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #8)
UVERworld is creeping ever so close to ending the streak! They move up two spots this week as they inch ever closer to that elusive fourth number one video. Also…GET THEIR ALBUM NOW!
5. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #7)

Mr. Legend is back in the Top Five! His latest video (And clean shaven, might I ad) has moved up two spots this week and he has officially become the most dominant artist in the three year history of the Countdown. Damn right!
4. B.o.B. – I’ll Be In The Sky (Last Week #5)
B.o.B. moves up a single spot this week as he looks to maybe make a big splash for himself. He has gotten higher than I was expecting, I will tell you that much. Even still, can he pull the upset of the year and make it to the top? Not now because we are down to three!
3. YA-KYIM respects SEAMO - SA IKOU! (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

YA-KYIM’s second number one video falls two spots this week! After dominating the countdown for a combined six weeks, they are in the bronze medal spot this week. I hope they bring me something new soon because if so this could be the biggest year for one artist ever!
2. Jesse McCartney – It’s Over (Last Week #3)

Jesse McCartney is shocking the world! He has moved up another spot to the runner up position! Yes, I like Jesse McCartney as he filled a pop void in my playlist and in my heart. Also, the remix for “How Do You Sleep?” with Ludacris should be out any day now. But until then, we have a new number one video!
1. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

BACK-ON is on top! For the first time officially, BACK-ON has captured the crown and is officially the biggest band in the land! I have to say it is about time but at the same time they kind of don’t RELEASE ENOUGH FOR MY LIKING but that is a moot point. They are here now and they are rocking the top spot!

That is all for this week! Tune in next week to see if BACK-ON can hold on to number one for a second week! Or will Jesse McCartney shock the world and take over the top spot? Or can YA-KYIM rebound and make it a third week with the crown? See you in seven to find out!

GO. SEE. WATCHMEN. THAT IS ALL.

Chachi Out

Blatant Plug! GO SEE WATCHMEN, BITCHES!

What is up, peeps? I have to say it right now: there is nothing weirder than the bond a cat creates when you groom it. It is just…godless. You know that at some point, no matter how calm she is, she is going to kill you. After she gets her nails did and her eyes cleaned, of course. Selfish bitch.

So who is down for some Watchmen tomorrow? I am hearing mixed things about the movie (WAAAAY too long, good story, hit or miss when reenacting the graphic novel, not enough ninjas) but for the most part I couldn’t give a rats ass because I will be there anyway. IT IS THE FUCKING WATCHMEN:

You look at that and tell me that won’t kick your face in with the awesomeness. Be there on Friday, people. It is not to be missed. Also, I CANNOT wait for Resident Evil 5. Hopefully I CAN FUCKING RUN AND SHOOT AT THE SAME TIME IN THIS ONE! What the hell, man.

Shockingly, that is all I have for now. Hella tired and the whatnot. I’ll be back for the Countdown on Friday before Watchmen. Peace out ya’ll!

Chachi Out

In A Mad World Only The Mad Are Sane - Akira Kurosawa

What be up, people? As you can tell, yesterday I was a little vexed (Preceded by blinding rage at the ineptitude of some people) with my current situation and I felt like maybe it was time to just do the flip out I have always wanted to do.I was dead set on pulling a Jerry McGuire meets Dave Chappelle when he knocked up Oprah moment when today started off even WORSE. I couldn’t get out of bed (Which is hella sad because I got up at 5:30am ANY-DAMN-WAY) after making up good time on my way to Denver (BOOOO!) and realizing I just don’t want to put up with the bullshit anymore…I got stuck in a 15 mile traffic jam because of an accident. So I turned on the radio to find out what the hell was going on but there was no signal in Larkspur because it sucks ass so I couldn’t find a radio station. That and I don’t listen to the radio anymore because I hate hearing Taylor Swift and Plies all fucking day. So I searched and searched until I FINALLY GOT A STATION and guess what song it finally stopped on? Wilson Phillip’s “Hold On”:

I wasn’t sure if this was my sign to hold on and just fight like a drunken ferret or snap and kill everyone on the highway due to the ultimate irony. Either way, I just decided to call Young Copper because if anyone knows about irony kicking you in the balls but giving you the Contra code at the same time…it’s YC.

Okay, I have asked this once and now I will ask this again: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THE STANKY LEGG?!:

Seriously?! Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on around here?! I mean…WHAT THE HELL, MAN?! Is this what we have come to? Is this what Public Enemy fought the power for?! Is this what Tribe Called Quest went to El Segundo for?! IS THIS WHY HAMMER COULDN’T HURT EM?! God, just when I think hip hop has turned the corner to respectability they come out with this kind of shit. At least I still have Yuna Ito to keep me happy. No, seriously WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE STANKY LEGG SUPPOSED TO BE?! This is going to bug me until I find something else to dumbfound me. Little help?

Well, I am out. Just got some news from Griff that is stunning but at the same time…not so stunning. I’m gonna lay down for a bit. I will be back Friday, maybe on Thursday depending on how I feel. I am just disgusted and disappointed a great deal by how…some people just don’t change. Makes me want to holler:

Sad part: THIS ISN’T THE DAMN INNER CITY. People need to act like they have some sense, damn it.

Live, Laugh, Learn & Love
(Kicking it a bit old school, peeps)

The Zebra Theory: It Works In The Wild, Yet It Is Ignored In The Club. Cosmic.

Okay, I am reposting this (I believe for the third time) because it seems like this little theory TO THIS DAY is ignored no matter how often it is proven to be correct. Which is fine by me but you don't see zebras complain about being harassed in the club for grinding on a lion...because they get eating. Let me just say, fellas: cannibal acts are not cool. Ladies love to be eaten, but not in that way. AW SNAP! And away we go!

First off, today there will be a rant. It will be offensive to some, but I really think this needs to be said. I got this idea after in-depth conversations with some friends (both male and female) over the last few days. I also was sent the link for the new Pink video for 'Stupid Girls' and I must say, it's actually pretty good. Of the 2000 pop explosion, she's the only one I could really tolerate.

Okay, I remember being an a women's rights club in college (rather interesting story, I will tell it someday) and was always on the opposite side of debates with the other members. They were always talking about how hard it is in today's world to be a woman. How the odds are stacked against them and how they aren't protected. Not wanting to be in a 13-on-1 battle of attrition, I would just sit there and take it at first. After a while, I began to realize something: the concept of reality is LOST on women.

Now for the two or three women that read this blog, I will explain my words. The members would always say that the media (which meant men) create a false standard for women to achieve in terms of beauty and style. And I will agree to that statement as it is still true today. Maxim doesn't sell because the articles are insightful and music videos don't get airplay for the musical content. They are both successful due to the 'objectification' of women that are quite the opposite of the ideal look. All women don't look like Vida Guerra. Here is a picture:

There is a simple reason why women that look like her are put into videos and magazines, and its not the grand conspiracy to keep women down as much as 'neo-feminists' try to push that on us. The reason these women are pushed to the forefront is the exact same reason anything gets pushed to the forefront: they aren't the norm. If every woman looked like Vida Guerra (giggidy-giggidy), then something else would be pushed by the media. It's the male equivalent of Mike Vick in 2002. The man DID bring something totally new to the quarterback position in the NFL, and they pushed him to the moon. Was it justified? Hell no, and I am as big a Mike Vick fan as there is. He was unproven, erratic and unpolished in the basic skills of...well throwing a screen pass. Was the push of J-Lo warranted? Hell no, she's a piss-poor singer, and average dancer and I have seen better acting in porn. But she had the look, and that is all that matters. It all comes down to money and marketing people. No more, no less.

Oh, and about the way women are portrayed in the media. Ladies, as a black man I can say this and be completely justified because of what I have seen in the last ten years from my people. You undo any progress you make almost the EXACT second you make it. Women want to be respected for their actions and valued for their worth. Completely valid, so does everyone. However, you need to do a serious gut check about your role models. To be seen as respectable, your LEADERS must be respectable. Take black men for example. Gone are the days of Garvey, King, Evers and Little (Malcolm X for the non-readers) and they have been replaced by 50 Cent, Jay Z, Nelly and Snoop. Not exactly the ones on the forefront if you are trying to fight for respectability, are they? Now when you think about women with popularity, aside from Oprah (who you need to latch on to and not let go if you want to make this thing work) and Hillary name the female icons. None, really. When people think of popular women they think of who?

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. As sad as it is, it is very true. And their claim to fame? Banging on camera and being a drug addict. Oh, and Lindsay did 'Mean Girls' which was highly underrated. I'm sorry, but the whole 'Sex in the City' live like men this is stupid and it is hurting your stock and credibility. You know why? Because living like men is FUCKING STUPID. Drinking till you pass out and getting teabagged is living like men. Is that what you want? Nothing is wrong with drinking and having a good time. I am all for that. I am not for stupidity and a lack of common sense. And alcohol plus women equals exactly that.

Now this is a touchy subject, and I debated on whether or not to go here because this view hasn't gone over very well with people in the past. I honestly don't care anymore about the feelings anymore. Let me preface this by saying that I believe rape is wrong. It is a crime and it is disgusting. You know what else is wrong? Going into a situation where you know 'shit can happen' and regretting it afterward. Ladies, I never want to defend the actions of the attacker of downplay the emotions of the victim. I also don't want to portray men as uncontrollable animals that cant think straight when they see boobies.

Let's look at this with a little bit of logic. Black men and white women don't hold hands in Alabama when possible. Gay college students stay away from frat parties wearing rainbows. White people stay out of New Orleans, D.C. and Detroit after midnight. Why? Because it is just logical and good common sense. In the jungle, how many times have you seen a zebra walk up to a lion and give it a kiss like Bugs Bunny gave Elmer Fudd? Never. Why? Because it's not good common sense. Are women smarter than zebras? Of course they are. So why do things that aren't safe for you?

Thats not a fair comparison, you say? You should be able to drink whenever and not have to worry about being groped or worse sexually assaulted? You say you should be able to have a good time without fearing for your safety? You know what? You are correct. You know what else? I don't like having to say this but tough shit. It's sad, but its the way things are. I'm a grown man but I was scared when I was in Mississippi. I was literally scared because of how people looked at me and the artifacts of racism that were in gas stations and restaurants (confederate flags, sambo statues, etc). Is that fair? That I should be afraid of being assaulted? No. But you know what, tough shit for me. It hurts me to say that, but at the same time, I want to live to be 30.

Women can always used the defense 'men should change and learn to respect us' but hey, respect yourself and then we will talk. Wear a full set of clothing that actually has seams and then talk about perception. Try not to sound like giggling, dumb as a bag of stones stereotyical dumb girl and then get back to me about being respected. I know Dave Chappelle talked about the 'ho's uniform' and that's a fine analogy. I agree that just because a woman is dressed a certain way doesn't make her a whore. Now lets use common sense again here. If you see a guy in bummy shoes with bad hair, do you think he's eccentric? Or a dirty bum? When you see a Allen Iverson, do you see a savvy businessman worth 17 million a year? Or a thug that may take your wallet? I learned a long time ago that fair or not, perception is reality. No matter how intelligent I am or how well I present myself, if I dress a certain way I will be perceived that way. Take note a realize that. As judgmental as women are sometimes, I cant understand why shit like that doesn't sink in.

You know, Huey from the Boondocks said it best. This line works for everyone from women to blacks to Muslims (don't think you are getting off easy. I will get with you guys later) to Right Wing Christians: Act like you've got some goddamn sense. Really THINK before you act. Don't get into situations that could end up bad if you can avoid them and if you can't your ass better master the FALCON PAWNCH:

See, a hell of a lot more effective than doing the stanky leg or whatever. I am out, be back on Wednesday I think. If not, definitly Friday.

Chachi Out.

Anger: Making This Blog What It Is Since...When Did It Start?

I am saying this right here and right now: I am never going to make fun of Rihanna again…because I AM HER. God, maybe he really WILL CHANGE this time.

So with that being said, you know what I hate? People who gleefully know that what they do isn’t working and rather than fix it, get upset when you point out a fix. I mean seriously? Are you that happy to be wrong just because you can “learn” from it? You know, just because you CAN make a mistake doesn’t mean you have to. I am living proof! Like that time I got kicked out of G-Wiz:

Man, I totally could have been part of a somewhat successful mid-90’s new jack swing group with a modest R&B hit that only seven people remember. Dammit all to hell! Anyway, today was one of the most fury inducing days I have had in a long ass time. Here are a few things that people need to learn about me real quick:

1. NEVER ASK MY OPINION IF YOU AREN’T READY FOR WHAT YOU WILL HEAR: Listen, I give stories and I rant but how often to I actually give my REAL OPINION on shit? NEVER because what I feel about what your dumb ass just asked will turn your world asunder. So if you ask me and I give it…don’t get upset because your ideas aren’t working. Half of my ideas never work and the other half piss people off so I know what it feels like to be told you have a bad idea but take the advice and run with it. Or don’t fucking ask…jackass.
2. If You Give Leadership To Several With No Ability To Lead, Then You Have No Leadership: Leadership by committee only works if someone knows what they are doing. It is kind of like Dr. Spock to Captian Kirk. Or to a lesser extent, Kiff to Zapp Brannigan. If you don’t have someone behind you smarter than you running the ship then YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. There, I said it. It is like having Pinky, Gilligan and Betty Boop running a cookie factory. Yes, comedy would ensue but many people would die and all the cookies would be fucked up.
3. I Don’t Fucking Like Coffee: It won’t wake me up so quit telling me to have some. Anything you have to spruce up with 19 flavors to make it tolerable really shouldn’t be drank. Soju tastes like pain but god damn IT DOES ITS FUCKING JOB. Coffee is just nasty and if you need it to be awake then you need help. Try crack!
4. It Is None Of Your Business What I Am Doing: My family hasn’t asked me what I was doing since I was like 12. You know why? They know the less they know about what I do, the less they can tell the cops when something bad happens. “Officer, I think I would know if he was selling Cambodian sex slaves via Ebay. And I tell you, I saw nothing out of the ordinary! Except for a shitload of Cambodians but who DOESN’T have them now-a-days?” So if they don’t ask, who in the fuck are you to ask? Seriously, unless I am downloading loli porn (In which case I would need a bigger monitor because lolis are small) don’t ask so many fucking questions.
5. I Really Don’t Care: So stop asking. Seriously, how many ways can I say I don’t give a fuck?

Also, I was talking to a friend of mine about being shallow and we just thought of the most awesome line EVAR:

“I’m so shallow I don’t care about how you look, I care about how you DON’T look.”

Ladies and gentlemen…that is the most awesomely horrible thing I have said in a long while. Not my personal opinion (I am to indifferent to be shallow personally, mostly because no one will ever love me without money involved) but youhave to admit that shit is funny. You know, a few of you have said that my anger has gotten out of control lately. I need something to calm me down…

Aaaahhh, that makes me feel better. Well, I am out for now. Zebra theory up soon.

Chachi Out

Question: Has Not Hitting A Bitch Worked For Me? Answer: Sadly A Pimp Named Slickback...No.

Griff was right…

Ya Gotta Beat ’Em To Keep ‘Em

Just like Flavor Flav killed the Civil Rights movement for ALL RACES (Even Koreans. Yes, you too. Trust me, your country is one more season of Flavor of Love away from wearing clocks and Viking hats for no fucking reason), Rihanna has just put women back in the kitchen and out of the voting booth. Now you can say all you want to about “love” and it being “her choice” but in the end this is about logic and principle. The logic is this man beat you like you raped his kitten. Now don’t get it twisted, I have slightly more respect for women than I do for Michael Vick because at least women haven’t destroyed a football franchise (Albeit short term it seems) but there was no reason for this. I will reiterate it is her choice and it isn’t my business to judge her on her merit and intentions but I can judge her on her actions. And her actions are of those that I have said for years that women need to let the fuck go of:

"Just because you have the right to MAKE a decision doesn’t excuse you from making a BAD decision."

There, I said it. You see, you have the right to do whatever you want to because we as Americans hold certain truths to be self evident and all that other blah-blah-blah-yakkity-smackity. One big thing that comes with rights and freedoms of choice the responsibility to be held accountable for your ACTIONS, not necessarily your motives. Just like SWIMMING WITH STINGRAYS. Asshole. We will never know why Chris Brown delivered the most awesome beating ever documented since the San Francisco vs. Denver Broncos second Super Bowl and it really isn’t our place to judge his motives because I firmly disagree in the “it is never RIGHT hit a woman” bullshit because EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING has done something worthy of a swift ass-kicking but you SHOULDN’T hit a woman. Big difference, ladies because some people aren’t going to abide by that so if you don’t put yourself in a situation to get lit up like an early Roy Jones Jr. fight then odds are you won’t. However, we can judge Chris Brown by his ACTIONS and as one who is against the term “domestic violence” as much as I am against the term “hate crime” I honestly believe this issue is he assaulted someone, not the fact he assaulted his girlfriend. Had he done the exact same thing to T-Pain or some random nigga on the street I would feel the exact same way: he broke the law and if the parties want to pursue legal action then he should be held under the same legal ramifications and subject to the same legal standards whether he HIT A MAN OR A WOMAN. However, since Rihanna’s dumb ass doesn’t seem to be pressing charges either there is more to the story or she is in love with a beater. Better than being in love with a stripper but still.

So at the end of the day of the biggest “nigga news” story since Lil Wayne/Baby’s Thuggin-Love-Lip-Lock-Gate, what have we learned? Not a god damn thing. This happens so often on a non-public and smaller scale that anyone who says “she was so stupid!” or “I can’t believe he is getting away with it!” is being naïve and is rather a fucking asshat and your asshatery has no place in a society where people know that there are just some people that are going to do what they feel is best even if you think it is self-destructive because they don’t believe they are being harmful to themselves or others. This is a perfect case of that theory. Stop saying that Chris Brown isn’t sorry and that Rihanna is stupid but also stop saying that Chris Brown is “brave for admitting what he did” and that Rihanna is a brave soul and a “survivor” (Not being able to dodge a punch doesn’t make you a survivor. BEING SURVIVOR MAKES YOU A SURVIVOR!):

They are two people who are barely old enough to vote and drink that did something stupid. The end. She forgave him and so should you (Yeah, I feel the same way about slavery. Christopher Titus apologized for it! It’s cool now!). Too bad the public had to see their dipshittery but that is life. So this is the last I will speak on this unless Chris Brown relapses because Rihanna aint putting enough stank on the track. I BEEN DONE TOLD YOU, ADE MAY! YOU CAN’T SEE BREEZY CUZ HE UP IN…HE-YAH! You see? Just like rape, racism, Pedo Bear and the occasional non-consensual anal sex…domestic violence can be funny.

Now if you excuse me, I am out. Classic Chachi tomorrow as I really think some of you bitches need to know what the Zebra Theory is once again. Until then, one word: MOFABO!

Chachi Out

Yeah, I Have A Road Rage Issue. Time For Some Music!

Well, it is about that time! It is time for why you come here every Friday!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

Falling Out:

BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Peaked at #1 for Four Weeks)

NOOOOO! NOT BOA! Man, I don’t know how I am going to live. Well, let’s get started!

20. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (Last Week #16)
It looks like the end for Ikimonogakari this week as they fall four spots to number twenty. Can they rebound with a new video soon?
19. Yuna Ito – Trust You (New Entry)

YES! YES YES! YES! YES YES! YES! Yuna Ito is back with a ballad and looking damn fine! If you hear this song and you don’t love it then there is no hope for your ass because she is fucking awesome and I LOVE HER. AND SHE IS BACK!
18. Abingdon Boys School - STRENGTH (Last Week #20)
ABS moves up two spots this week as they return to the world after a recent solo return from TM. Could we see a new album by the end of 2009? HELLS YEAH!
17. Nana Mizuki – TRICKSTER (Last Week #14)
Nana falls three spots this week as it looks like she is spending her last days on the Countdown. She had a great run for a first timer, though.
16. Young Jeezy featuring Nas – My President Is Black (Last Week #15)
Jeezy and Nas fall a spot this week as it looks like the Snowman has hit kind of a slump Countdown wise. Maybe he can make a comeback…
15. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #17)

BLEACH IS ROCKING YOUR FACE! This arc plays the manga perfectly and combine that with a kickass intro and my favorite opening since Home Made Kazoku’s in the second arc. I so love this song.
14. Kanye West – Heartless (Last Week #12)
Kanye falls two spots this week as he has a new video out with one Kid CuDi who has grown on me even more lately. Hip hop may truly be back.
13. Aqua Timez - Velonica (Last Week # 10)
Aqua Timez falls this week but they HAVE A NEW FRICKING VIDEO! That is what I am talking about, people. Give me what I want and you shall be rewarded.
12. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)
T.I. and J-Tim move up a huge six spots this week as T.I. looks for his fourth straight Top Ten video! J-Tim meanwhile hasn’t been in the Top Ten since 2006…with T.I. so it’s good to see things go full circle.
11. Joe Inoue – Closer (Last Week #8)
Joe Inoue falls from the Top Ten after coming so close to the top spot. A new video is out and it is a ballad. I have been in a ballad mood lately.
10. BoA - Eien (Last Week #13)

We have entered the Top 10 and BoA is back! This time in Japanese to boot! Just got the single and I must say it is quite worth the listen. Especially with Crystal Kay and Verbal on it. Mmm…Crystal Kay. Me like.
9. YA-KYIM respects KOME KOME CLUB – Kimi Ga Iru Dake De (Last Week #6, Four Weeks at #1)
YA-KYIM falls another three spots this week after a dominant run on top. I wonder if the tribute single is all we will hear from them for a while? I hope not; I miss my baby boos already!
8. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #11)
UVERworld is back in the Top Ten! The question is: can they end the streak? It has been over two years since their last number one video and they have been close more times then they care to remember. Is this the video to end the drought?
7. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #9)

John Legend moves up two spots this week in what is kind of a subtle move. He has been quiet with his latest album, not causing the huge splash of Once Again that just ruled all.
6. RSP with DA BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS – LA.LA.LA LOVE SONG (Last Week #3. One Week at #1)
RSP falls from the Top Five for the first time in two months despite being at number one for only a week. That is a feat in itself. I also got the single for their new video and it is totally growing on me.
5. B.o.B. – I’ll Be In The Sky (Last Week #7)
We are in the Top Five as B.o.B. moves up! He is looking good right now and I have to say that “Don’t Break My Heart” is one of my favorite songs right now. I want that to be the next single. And put Andre 3000 and Jim Jones on the remix! MAKE IT HAPPEN!
4. NERD – Sooner or Later (Last Week #2)
NERD came so close last week but this week they fall from the runner up spot! It has been a slow run for Pharrell and Co as their last album didn’t dominate like I expected it to. However, they came close and there is still time. We are down to three!
3. Jesse McCartney – It’s Over (Last Week #4)

J-Mac is STILL shocking the world as he moves into the Top Three! This song has been out for a minute and he currently has a new video so this video may be in trouble. Until then, enjoy yourselves.
2. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #5)

BACK-ON is one step away! The bump up a huge three spots this week and land just short of their first official number one video! Great stuff from these guys and I have to say I am liking this more than the UVERworld song…BARELY. But if they want #1, they have to wait a week!
1. YA-KYIM respects SEAMO - SA IKOU! (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

For the second straight week, YA-KYIM holds the number one spot. I believe that this group has been at number one for officially HALF of the current year of 2009. Now that is dominance! I am so about this song (Makes the drive to Denver ALMOST tolerable) and I will be PISSED if they disappear for a long time. Until that day, they are number one again!

That is all for this Friday! Tune in next week to see if YA-KYIM can hold on to the top spot for a third week! Or can BACK-ON finally take the crown that has eluded them for three years? Or can Jesse McCartney pull another underdog upset and take the crown? See you in seven to find out!

Well, tomorrow it is supposed to rape the city of Denver in the evening with snow which is becoming common place so odds are there wont be an update until Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Friends: Making Me Do A Six Page Post Since...Today.

Alright people! It has been a while since I have done an Omnibus based off of the people. Mostly because…I hate the people. Today, I will give the people what they ask for…nay…what they DEMAND of the Passion of Chachi: half-assed answers to your dumb fucking questions. Yeah, you know you love it! So sit back and get ready for…

Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!

Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?

You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?

Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:

Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.

There you go. It is simple really:

Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.

WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:

Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.

Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.

I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?

As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?

Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!

Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.

To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:

1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die

That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.

I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.

Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.

In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:

You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.

Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.

Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:

If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”

Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!

Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?

It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:

“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”

And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!

Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:

FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:

1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.

In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:

“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”

Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.

Well, that is all for now. Countdown tomorrow! Four words…YUNA ITO IS BACK! Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out

Avril Lavigne: Ending My Witty Post Titles Since...Today.

Alright, first off I need to say this. I think I may have just had enough of working. You know what else? It once again has to do with poo gas. When I quit my job before returning to my nemesis I really wasn’t ready to quit and I didn’t want to take the The Pack job because I had been smacked around two previous times and had no Grammys or Oscar nods to show for it. I was talking to a co-worker of mine about whether or not I was going to quit and we got in the elevator and a…well, she was part wildebeest and part Wampa…got into the elevator. As we talked we noticed there was a Grand Funk Railroad coming from this beast-tron that could have warped adamantium. When we got off the elevator and got in cars to get ready to go she asked if I was going to quit. The funk turned me completely around and I swore I would never come back. I came to work the next morning and something else happened (Involving an inbred cousin fucker but that is another story) and I decided that I had just about enough of that shit. LITERALLY.

Fast forward to February 24th, 2009. Since November 17th of last year I have been getting up between the hours of 4:45am and 5:30am to either take a bus for two hours or drive for an hour (Almost at 70,000 miles and I got my car brand new on Independence Day of 2005. That is BULLCRAP! But it is my own fault) to go to a job that barely pays me more than a job in Colorado Springs once you factor in transit, cost of parking (although the $2 lot works wonders if you don’t mind panhandlers and crackheads) and of course the White people but with nary a job in the CSP that makes you feel like getting a college degree makes you uppity and was a waste of time because the pay of the collective is the same for the good of the Borg. Needless to say, I am fricking annoyed by it but it was my choice and I am willing to live with it because all this shit goes away in May so I can put up with this crap for two more months. Or can I?

This morning, after a long ass bus ride next to a woman that smelled of baby powder and baby shit I showed up to work and my pet peeve occurred: White people began talking to me. Now I don’t give a fuck how much you LOVE YOUR COFFEE but I don’t. I drink coffee only when hanging out with Kasey or…that is about fucking it. Coffee is nasty and I don’t care how you dress that shit up, it is still ass brewed by the GOD DAMN CUP. Just because you have five cups before 8am doesn’t mean that I have and it SURE AS FUCK doesn’t mean that you can come to me after a two hour bus ride and four hours of sleep bouncing around like the Ice Age squirrel and asking me questions like “How are you?!” and “How was your weekend, big guy!” The simple answer is that I am at work which means I am not face down in a gutter next to a passed out stripper which means my weekend wasn’t that good and most importantly what I do is not your fucking business. I don’t CARE if you are interested in small talk. I don’t LIKE small talk. My weekend is my business and secondly I don’t care about anyone else’s weekend but because they ask you, in return you MUST listen to them because that’s the rules of workplace bullshit conversation. There is nothing wrong about not giving a shit about your co-workers. I think that it is best because it removes awkward situations later on. Man, irony…thy name is Chachi.

So anyway after sort of doing my own job I went to the bathroom and when I walked in…there was a stank of epic funkportions. I mean the grand scale of this smell was that of a non-consensual raping of the olfactory senses. I thought my ears were going to bleed and that is no lie. IT WAS 8:45 IN THE MORNING! I understand that some people hate pooping at home because they don’t want to mess up their OWN toilet but come the hell on. I really did not need that and now I am on the verge of tipping over a desk, turning on some Quiet Riot and screaming “I’M A LEAD FARMER, MOTHERFUCKER!” which would be…well, awesome. God…I really need to break free:

Aahh, Queen. If you don’t like Queen then you don’t know music.

So on a completely other note, can someone explain to me the phenomenon of women getting those ugly ass boots (Uggs I believe…which is supposed to be ironic but is actually damn stupid) and proceeding to tuck the pants legs in the boots? I mean…what? There was only ONE person that wore their pant legs in their boots that I can even remember and was over the age of nine and that was Napoleon Dynamite:

Yeah…no. Maybe I am out of touch with the times and don’t know what the kids think are the “bee’s knees” but I have been known to do a number on a few cats and know what is “funky fresh.” And ugly shoes aren’t it.

Lastly, this is going to be a separate post at some point once I let a calmer head prevail and write it from an objective point of view but there are three words that I throughally despise. Coming from a male or a female (Mostly female because…well, they aren’t people) these three words, sometimes one word and a contraction, are the most irritating and pointless words in the English language that when combined create the biggest indecisive cop-out since the time that MLB All-Star Game ended in a tie. No phrase garners more anger from me unless you toss in “you go girl” which someone from work used during a meeting and I wanted to beat her with her own ovaries but that is a process that requires a lot more work than I initially thought. The ovaries are kind of tucked away up there, near the duodenum. That phrase is…

IT’S COMPLICATED

This phrase is usually uttered to explain one of a few things:

1. An excuse for a situation you don’t want to accept is either your fault or a bad idea. This usually comes about by telling the lie of “it’s not my fault” when it so is because if you are doing anything that you have to say “it’s not my fault” at any point then there is a 81% chance it IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT…Bitch.
2. A phrase used to explain something you should have explained a long time ago but were too chickenshit to tackle and now it has come to a head and you are now forced to give a reason…and you fall back on it…Bitch.
3. A way to buy time after a really, REALLY bad choice or action when you really just don’t want to say “I am sorry and I fucked up” and you instead say “It’s so hard to explain! You don’t understand how I feel!” which is code for “Maybe I can confuse and lie my way out of this shit” which is just an asshole move all around…Bitch. Oh, and…Dick. Takes two people to lie to lie: one to lie and one to swallow.
4. Math. In everyone’s defense, math is hard and it sucks. It’s why the Jews and the Asians were brought over on the Mayistada Maria Flowertanic, right? Now that was a kick ass boat:

And just like me, it will be making another run. I will try to be back up tomorrow before the Countdown. Until then, peace out ya’ll.

Chachi Out

A-A-A Hip Hop And You Don't Stop! Or Care...

Okay, there is something that has to be said right here and right now.

Black people: Just because Obama won doesn’t mean YOU WON JACK SHIT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

White people: Just because Obama won doesn’t mean YOU LOST JACK SHIT. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Asian people: Stay cool. You have been all calm during this time of racial dipshittery and I appreciate your zen-like calm. It’s why I hang out with you guys. Aside from the being punched in the nose thing which was all good.

Latin people: Um…yeah. How are things going? Haven’t heard from you in a while since Rebelde broke up. I’m sad, too. Feel free to speak the hell up, you know?!

I had to get that out because people are acting like fucktards about what is going on as a nation and I have to just tell people that maybe shutting the fuck up and doing what the hell you do is the best strategy. Just saying; you don’t like it when people critique YOUR job when you just started doing it (Either good or bad) so don’t do it to someone else especially on a grander scale. Quit being morons.

So a few things before I head in for the night:

One To Grow On #1: Schoolgirls Learning Their ABC’s…and ATM.

So I had a pretty interesting conversation last week while at work because I don’t get paid enough to do so (Kind of funny how that works) and I was asked a question that I had been asked before but never really cared to answer:

“What is it with men wanting women to dress like schoolgirls?”

First off, this conversation started from how much I despise Catholics and she went to a Catholic school and has the outfit still so do the math. What was odd is that I may be the minority in saying that women dressing up in any kind of “wannabe-loli” get up doesn’t really do much for me…and I’m lonely has hell. As far as I am concerned the whole kick of the “pigtails” and the “cheerleader” bullshit are just dudes that don’t have the balls to look Chris Hansen in the eyes and say “we’re not gonna take it!”

I can only speak for myself when I say that I don’t want some woman my age (Or older…ugh) dressing up like a schoolgirl. I want a SCHOOLGIRL DRESSING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL. Since the Party Van and the masses of this punkass country in general frown on F2T (Five to ten, check out the post) action, the only thing one can do if they really want to have a schoolgirl and not a woman trying to relive her glory(hole) days: go to Japan. Yeah, I said it. Japan knows that a woman’s value drops exponentially after the age of 14 so they hits’em young and they hits’em ROUGH. I mean damn, even I feel bad for some of these women but at the end of the day, bukkake is kind of like going into a Compton club wearing all red: things can end up really bad, or REALLY BAD. You know damn well if you are the only woman in a sea of men in Japan that you are going to get covered in baby batter or you are Cher performing at a USO show:

What can I say, gay men love Cher and the Navy is totally gay.

One To Grow On #2: Hip Hop Beef Is Stupid And No One Cares Anymore

About beef OR hip hop. You know why Lil’ Wayne is making a rock album and Kanye West channeled Roger Troutman, David Bowie and Night Ranger (Check the nigga mullet! Or the nullet as I call it!) for their last albums? One was to be different, two was to get more white women (And isn’t that what we all want, fellas? Amirite?) but three was because hip hop is dead. Every time two rappers have beef they are taking the corpse, pulling down its pants and Jodie Fostering it. Yes, I said Jodie Fostering it. If the reputation of hip hop hasn’t suffered enough from being known as materialistic (Which is true), misogynistic (Which is true but no more than some other forms of music but rap is an easy target because a lot of words rhyme with “bitch” and “hoe”) and violent (Which is also true but so is everything. Have you heard Bruce Springsteen? He’s beefing with Tom Petty now!) but now we have random and talentless asshats running around talking ridiculous because they think it will sell records. You know what, fucktards? NIGGAS DON’T BUY RECORDS! They have internet in the hood now, jerkass! Besides, anyone dumb enough to actually BUY a 50 Cent, Rick Ross, Bow Wow, Soulja Boy or Saigon record needs their ass whooped any-fucking-way. Yes, I left out Joe Buddens because I like Joey and no one buys a Joe Buddens CD anyway.

I think that rap beef should have consequences. I know it sounds messed up, but I think that if you decide to start up a rap beef then one of you has to branded with a big “JA” for Ja Rule (Or jerkass) on their forehead. That means first off that you can’t half-ass a beef. See Dr. Dre/Jermaine Dupri. Secondly, it means that you better be sure as hell you can win the thing and just don’t talk trash to get a name for yourself because no one remembers you (See: Eminem/Canibus). Rappers, much like a puppy that won’t stop pissing on the carpet, needs some tough love. Some of that thuggin’ love:

Anyway…

One To Grow On #3: People Are No Better Than PETA…And PETA Can Lick My Balls

Okay, I am shocked to see that people are still talking about the Chris Brown/Rihanna “Rumble in the Gallardo” like it means something. It was an issue between two dumbass people that ended in a way that most dumbass situations end: jokes for me. My issue isn’t with the act (Which wasn’t cool. I mean, I personally blame Lamborghini for not making a larger area for the front seats. Had they rented a Hummer or a Saturn Aura, she may have whooped his ass. I’m just saying), it is with the response of people. Just like PETA, people only care when PRETTY PEOPLE get their ass kicked.

Where was the uproar when Bobby Brown was kicking Whitney’s ass for taking the last rock? Where was the outrage when Britney was breaking chairs over Kevin Federline’s head? Why did no one call for an arrest when Lionel Ritchie’s ex-wife was kicking his ass all over a Motel 6?! I will tell you why: they all look like they were beat with an ugly stick with a nail in it. Since Rihanna is supposedly pretty (I think her head reminds me of the alien in “Kill All Humans” and she sounds like two possum fucking, but that is just me) everyone is all like “NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!” I honestly think that if you are going to get mad because Chris Brown knocked Rihanna upside her head…and face…for changing the station from Rick Astley then you have to get mad at Bobby Brown for going upside Whitney’s head for eating the last of the Rice Krispies. Crackheads love them some Rice Krispies.

That is all for now. I will try to be back tomorrow. If not…I will be back when I fucking get back. Peace out, ya’ll.

Chachi Out

Tyler Perry: YOU ARE NO ROBERT TOWNSEND!

Okay, there is some shit I need to take you as people to task for right here and right now:

WHY IN THE FUCK IS “MADEA GOES TO JAIL” THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA?!
I told you; when you watch a Tyler Perry movie an angel gets non-consensually raped! Congratulations, there is a angel right now getting sodomized because you had to see a shitty ass preview of “Big Momma’s House 3: Big Momma Breaks Out” which was going to be a CLASSIC! You know damn well that there can only be one successful Black actor at a time! When Terrance Howard gets work, you never hear from Will Smith! The more work we let Tyler Perry have the less time we have to see Hustle and Flow 2: Mo Hustle, Mo Flow! Damn, I am surprised that hasn’t happened yet.

In all seriousness, I have never seen a Tyler Perry movie but I am totally using the Brokeback Mountain Theory. All I know is that man dresses like a woman more than Nipsey Russell and Bugs Bunny COMBINED and they did it a lot better. I know I am the first to say “to each their own” but between Tyler Perry and the whole Twilight bullshit I am losing faith in everything. Then, to piss me off even more I THINK I heard a new U2 song a few minutes ago. Now it could have been Coldplay; they both suck and piss me off about the same. You know, Coldplay doesn’t show up as a misspelled word in Microsoft Office programs but fuckstick does. WHAT IN THE HELL?! Oddly enough, douchebaggery and asshatery show up as misspelled but fuckwit and awesomeness don’t. Does Word get accustomed to the words you type? It’s fucking learning, dude!

Also, there needs to be a definition lesson for all the ladies out there:

Diva – ˈdi və,-vɑ [dee-vuh, -vah] a distinguished female singer; prima donna.

We good on that? Got it down? Okay, now for the next word:

Hustler - –noun
1. an enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2. Slang. a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3. Informal. an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4. Slang. a prostitute.
5. a person who hustles.

Okay, did you read that? Now, are they in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM SIMILAR? No? Well, then we are now in agreement of what women should have already fucking known:

DIVA ISN’T A FEMALE VERSION OF A HUSTLER…UNLESS SHE IS A PROSTITUTE.

And you aren’t prostitutes, are you ladies? Alrighty then. Here is some math for you then:

Webster > Beyonce

Webster ownz your face.

Holy shit, it was Coldplay. However, there is a new U2 video which means I am declaring war on Ireland until they take those limey fuckers back and lock them up for sucking since “Where The Streets Have No Name” or face my wrath. You heard me, TAKE BACK YOUR SHITTY ASS BAND! NOW!

That is all for now, I will be back on Tuesday (Hopefully, depends on how I am feeling) but one last thing. Charlie Wilson: STOP IT. No more albums. You have been working with Snoop since I was in HIGH SCHOOL and I still don’t care. No one else does either. Let The Gap Band be what we remember you for, to a lesser extent yelling “OOHH WEE!” in Signs with Snoop and J-Tim. Don’t be remembered for “Snoop’s Upside Yo Head.”

UPDATE: HEATH LEDGER WON BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR FOR “THE DARK KNIGHT!” Hells to the yes! I have come a long way from creating a mob to get him kicked off the cast to actually being blown away by his performance. Best pick in a long while. Well, I am gone for now.

Chachi Out

When I Die, Please Someone Play David Bowie For Me? Magic Dance Is Preferred...

What is up, everybody. Pretty much time for a weekly wrap up but quite simply it was kind of one of total frustration that ended with a realization that enough is enough and it is time for a chance. Yes, I flipped out last week and had what some people would call a Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” moment. I am dead serious; had I had access to a baseball bat and a copy of “Real Motherfuckers” by Lil Jon today would be a different story:

Now THAT is an angry fucking song. However, I digress. You see, this year I did something that I hadn’t done in about a year and a half. I actually followed my own advice. You see, for some reason because I had consistently either fucked up my own life or had things so fucking out-of-this-world happen to me (Having your job split like the legs of a schoolgirl in Japan into three jobs and outsourced three times in one week? Really? To three fucking continents? REALLY?! FUCKING REALLY?! MOTHERFUCKING CUNT SWABS!) it seemed that people looked to me to help me with their problems. Which was odd as hell because I am a damn wreck but I began to notice that what I was telling others was actually working for them and yet I would not do those same things myself. Call it grasping to what was familiar, call it being stubborn but it ended up in me being pissed off about everything because nothing was working for you. If you read the blog you know about some of it and if you know me you know about a little bit more (Most of my life is on the web so…not much I can do to hide shit but it makes for good reading, doesn’t it?) and you know that I am have toned down a lot in terms of anger over the last six months and have slowly slid into a realm of complete contentment into everything that happens which I thought was good but in the end is even worse that being angry all the time because when you are content with where you are, you have no drive to go where you want to be.

So over the last few months I have had some real soul searching (And in some cases enlightening to the point of WHY IN THE FUCK DID I NOT DO THIS EARLIER?!) conversations with Young Copper, K-Money and The Grizzle which have actually made me look at things the way I tell other people to look at them and it actually has been fucking working. Well, until Wednesday when the chocolate rain of shitting on the hard work I did to create change in my life came down like a Tay Zonday concert at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Yes, I am a wordsmith. However, that is life and how you handle it shows your character and determines your level of sanity when it comes to complications. I would have to say that as of right now, I am handling the asininity of the things that come my way (Taking a 35% pay cut just to not say I am unemployed, driving halfway across the state to work someplace that pays me the exact same as a graduate from a shithole like DeVry, coming to the realization that a woman will never love me for me if I keep telling her what is wrong with her) as well adjusted as the next person who has no pride, self-esteem or desire to live past 30. I kid, I kid.

However, I believe that what makes you is the understanding and the overcoming of your failures because the ideal of striving for perfection is a concept flawed in its execution because the attainment of perfection equals the end in the pursuit. Which means you fucking die because there is nothing else to do that will help you learn a god damn thing. Think of it like achieving level 99 in Final Fantasy VII and how easy it is to kill everything which means all you have to do is defeat the One Winged Angel…then all you see is the endless look of stars because you have attained the level of immortality:

THAT IS SOME MATRIX SHIT RIGHT THERE, SON! Or I could be in need of a drink; I have cut back A LOT lately which has made me a lot less fun but more coherent and observant…which makes me remember WHY I DRANK SO MUCH SOJU IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE BECAUSE REALITY SUCKS ASS.

So what has made me so calm and rather accepting with the concept of making it happen? Well, though my conversations with the people I identify with most (You know who you are) I have learned that there are some things I have told people to follow that I have not done myself and it was about time to embrace those theories. So, I give you…

The Chachi West Logical Work-Out Plan!

Work out your mind, bitches!

Exercise #1: Understand That Sometimes It Is Them…Not You. So Fuck Them.

You see, this was something I had to tell people a lot because I have interviewed a lot. I mean A LOT. I mean if interviews were fucking I would make Madonna and Gene Simmons look like Jordin Sparks. I am a fucking WHORE, whether I am working or not. You see, a manager once told me that interviews are a great tool to learn how to effectively communicate for the job you want because there is no better practice than actually performing. Mock interviews are fucking bullshit because you never know what will happen until you DO IT. They will never always be the same but the more experience you have the better you can use a previous experience to approach a situation you think it may work for. Win or lose, you put it out there and there is no shame in defeat if you performed to the best of your ability and left it all out there. Yes, it is cliché and rather “well, no shit” but most people never grasp that and take not getting a job personally.

Now for a long time I had a real good interview to job ratio up until about August of 2008. I was literally 5 for 5. Now three of those were for the same damn company which became real-life Ike and Tina story except fewer Grammys. But we had some hits…mainly to my face for not singing the track right:

Ike Strikes Back - The best free videos are right here
THAT BE THE PROBLEM IS! Also, this isn’t counting the many jobs I worked at for like three weeks and quit because I didn’t like the color scheme of the office. Which I did quite often but hey, I do what I need to do. When people go in for an interview and don’t get the job, they get hurt about the fact that they were not chosen for the position. I have had to do HR functions (One of the downsides of being a contractor: you are the company bitch) and there are a lot of times when you get called in for an interview and you have no chance in hell of getting the job. You may be the token interview (As a darkie…you can tell) or just someone because they need to fill three slots and you know damn well you are under qualified (Been there too). Either way, you can’t take it personally if you did all you can do. If you explain your skills and what makes you a fit and answer all of their questions effectively and efficiently and you STILL don’t even get to go down the Soul Train line of getting a “fuck yo ass, we found someone else!” email or call then you know what?

IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT

Now this was something I struggled with. You don’t want to sound like a rape victim and saying “I showed up drunk at a frat party dressed like a schoolgirl and started dry-humping the offensive line of the football team with no panties on while singing Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me” and wearing a button that said “Blow Jobs Make For A Strong Economy” but they had NO RIGHT!” but you have accept that sometimes you are not a fit. Whether it is that you are not qualified or they had someone else in mine. What you have to remember is that they could give a rats ass about you or your situation. It is like being upset over a woman or man that dumped you (Boy…do I know THAT SHIT WELL) and not realizing SHE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE THEY DUMPED YOU! They are too busy fucking who they dumped to care about your feelings so you should just chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game and move on to find a fit elsewhere. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be and the sooner you accept that the easier it is to accept rejection when you give it your all and you happen to fail. Now if you half-ass it and fail you have no one to blame for your it except your own dumb ass. You know who you are and I so hate you. It takes a while because it is almost an instinct to be hurt when you are rejected but in the end it isn’t about you, it is about them. It is their loss they didn’t hire you and the one that does is going to get a kick ass employee (Or get a kick-ass partner, however you want to slice it)

Exercise #2: Change Yourself For The Better, Not Just For The Sense of Change. That Shit Is Dumb.

Now this is one that people really seem to just take to the wayside of dipshittery. Now I went on a kick where “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT NO MORE!” and gave myself a timeline for a rather important decision. However, this wasn’t a spur of the moment move as much as it was a move that kept getting deferred (Or I kept talking myself out of, depending on the when and where) and I finally just said unless something major happens to make me happy where I am at, I need a timeline to get my ass in gear. Nothing wrong with that IMHO but others may look at it another way and I respect that. Still, eat a dick because I am right and you are nothing because this is my fucking blog and if you don’t like it go read www.jesussaves.org or some shit because you are in the wrong place. However, if you are going to follow this plan you need to understand that change for the sake of change is not really good change. Think about the Power Rangers for a second here:

Did they REALLY need to go into fucking space? Or back in time? OR USE FUCKING MAGING?! NO but they did it to do it and the show suffered for it. Wizard Rangers…what bullshit. Think of your life the same way. Changing for the sake of change is like changing hair color because you want to or because you are a woman and indecisive (LE ZING!). Sure it looks good for the time being for the occasion or situation at hand but changing hair color is a harsh process on your hair and scalp. After a while, your hair begins to die out and the quality of the job gets worse and worse until your hair falls out and you have nothing left. See, sometimes I can be magic. In other words, change SHOULD be for a reason to advance who you are or what you want to be. Change can be something sudden or something that takes a while to develop over time but it should be thought out and should be for the best.

Exercise #3: No One Is Going To Love You For You. Nor Should They If You Don't Love Your-Own-Damn-Self.

You see, this is something that I have never understood. How can people ask to be and get all pissy when people don’t love them “for them?” Hell, I would say 70% of the people out there don’t LOVE THEMSELVES! Not in the GOOD way that requires an Asa Akira video and a total lack of self-respect, but in the bad way in which they always complain about no one loving them for who they are because they are “misunderstood” or “outside of the box.” Bros, chads, niggas and dumb bitches are firmly entrenched the box of being a fucktard and they are happier than a retard with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.Why? Because they know they are a fucktard and are happy with it! It hit me last year (Shit, it may have been 2007) when I realized that bros don’t care that I think they are assholes with no fashion sense. They are knee-deep in women that kind of don’t care about that because they have mastered the art of stroking their self-esteem (Man, I am so awesome when I am right!). You think niggas care about the fact they are making normal Black people look bad for being overall undereducated fuckers? NO! THEY ARE STACKING THOSE CHIPS AND COUNTING THOSE KEYS, NIGGA! They get bitches by the pound! You think dumb bitches CARE about the fact they will fuck anything that moves after three Long Island Iced Teas? NO! They are already dead inside so they might as well be happy by filling that void with dicks, free drinks and the occasional night where they can say how stupid they were because plausible deniability is reality to fuckwit! Do you see what I am getting at here?

All You Can Be Is You, So Be The Best You That You Can and Want To Be.

They are happy and content with who they are and they live their life accordingly. This used to piss me off but when I was posed the question “Is it us that is stupid or is it them?” I used to think it was them until the day at NDK when the Peanut Butter Jelly Time Banana had two chicks on his arm and we questioned how that made sense and someone stated “If dressing in a banana suit got two chicks on MY arms I would do it! He is doing SOMETHING RIGHT!” That is kind of when I began to think the problem is on both sides. Fucktards should not be the way they are but in the end if you aren’t being you to the best of YOUR ability how in the FUCK CAN YOU COMMENT ON THEM. I have been focusing on what I need to do to get where I want to be and how I will get there. How can I want to be with someone else when I don’t know me (Yes…there is a someone that I want to be with and shockingly it is NOT ZAC EFRON! OOOOHHHH, THE DRAMA!!) enough? What kind of service will I be to them if I am of not of service to my own ideas yet? That right there was a tough pill to swallow but I did and boy was I HIGH for a while. Yet, by doing that you confront a lot of things about yourself that you either held back or ignored and it is a great help. Work it out!

Now back to the initial statement of no one loving you for you. People have asked me what I mean because I am really against changing for the sake of change and I am kind of against changing who you are for a person. Now negative aspects I can understand but just changing things that make you who you are to appease someone else isn’t healthy IMHO. YC and I had this conversation on Friday and our consensus is that changing yourself should be based on where you want to be. For a long time I was the misunderstood guy with a heart of gold…that got shit on pretty much at every turn. So you know what? I decided that was not going to work for me if I wanted to keep my sanity and from going TOTALLY EMO. So I decided to change a little bit of my mindset of what I thought about myself and kind of told everyone to fuck off. Not in the way of alienation but in the way of there are things about me that I feel help make me who I am and a better person and if that is something about me that you don’t like…tough shit. It whittles down my options in life (Relationships and job opportunities) but I have learned that sometimes narrowing things down is the best way to go. The blanket approach may work in a lot of cases but in finding what you REALLY WANT…you end up worse for wear a lot of times when you spread your wants thin. Just saying.

So I am just letting you know that this in itself isn’t a paradigm shift. I still despise people for the most part and think douchery is an act punishable by non-consensual anal rape (More on that during my next post. Nothing says love like a little sodomy!) by a furry. At the same time, I have come to grips that people are going to be how they are no matter what. You can’t make someone love you no matter how much you care, you can’t make a job hire you no matter how qualified you are and you can’t beat Street Fighter 4 no matter how many combos you master. I mean seriously; AM I THIS OUT OF PRACTICE?! You just have to work on you. Man, I wish I knew all of this at 22. I would have saved a lot of bullshit, I tell you what. David Bowie, take us home with a ditty:

LOVE. THAT. SONG. Yeah, Black people like David Bowie. I am dead serious about the title of this post, too. If I don't hear some David Bowie at my funeral I am haunting ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. I am not playing about this one. Peace out, ya’ll.

Chachi Out