When I Die, Please Someone Play David Bowie For Me? Magic Dance Is Preferred...

What is up, everybody. Pretty much time for a weekly wrap up but quite simply it was kind of one of total frustration that ended with a realization that enough is enough and it is time for a chance. Yes, I flipped out last week and had what some people would call a Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” moment. I am dead serious; had I had access to a baseball bat and a copy of “Real Motherfuckers” by Lil Jon today would be a different story:

Now THAT is an angry fucking song. However, I digress. You see, this year I did something that I hadn’t done in about a year and a half. I actually followed my own advice. You see, for some reason because I had consistently either fucked up my own life or had things so fucking out-of-this-world happen to me (Having your job split like the legs of a schoolgirl in Japan into three jobs and outsourced three times in one week? Really? To three fucking continents? REALLY?! FUCKING REALLY?! MOTHERFUCKING CUNT SWABS!) it seemed that people looked to me to help me with their problems. Which was odd as hell because I am a damn wreck but I began to notice that what I was telling others was actually working for them and yet I would not do those same things myself. Call it grasping to what was familiar, call it being stubborn but it ended up in me being pissed off about everything because nothing was working for you. If you read the blog you know about some of it and if you know me you know about a little bit more (Most of my life is on the web so…not much I can do to hide shit but it makes for good reading, doesn’t it?) and you know that I am have toned down a lot in terms of anger over the last six months and have slowly slid into a realm of complete contentment into everything that happens which I thought was good but in the end is even worse that being angry all the time because when you are content with where you are, you have no drive to go where you want to be.

So over the last few months I have had some real soul searching (And in some cases enlightening to the point of WHY IN THE FUCK DID I NOT DO THIS EARLIER?!) conversations with Young Copper, K-Money and The Grizzle which have actually made me look at things the way I tell other people to look at them and it actually has been fucking working. Well, until Wednesday when the chocolate rain of shitting on the hard work I did to create change in my life came down like a Tay Zonday concert at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. Yes, I am a wordsmith. However, that is life and how you handle it shows your character and determines your level of sanity when it comes to complications. I would have to say that as of right now, I am handling the asininity of the things that come my way (Taking a 35% pay cut just to not say I am unemployed, driving halfway across the state to work someplace that pays me the exact same as a graduate from a shithole like DeVry, coming to the realization that a woman will never love me for me if I keep telling her what is wrong with her) as well adjusted as the next person who has no pride, self-esteem or desire to live past 30. I kid, I kid.

However, I believe that what makes you is the understanding and the overcoming of your failures because the ideal of striving for perfection is a concept flawed in its execution because the attainment of perfection equals the end in the pursuit. Which means you fucking die because there is nothing else to do that will help you learn a god damn thing. Think of it like achieving level 99 in Final Fantasy VII and how easy it is to kill everything which means all you have to do is defeat the One Winged Angel…then all you see is the endless look of stars because you have attained the level of immortality:

THAT IS SOME MATRIX SHIT RIGHT THERE, SON! Or I could be in need of a drink; I have cut back A LOT lately which has made me a lot less fun but more coherent and observant…which makes me remember WHY I DRANK SO MUCH SOJU IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE BECAUSE REALITY SUCKS ASS.

So what has made me so calm and rather accepting with the concept of making it happen? Well, though my conversations with the people I identify with most (You know who you are) I have learned that there are some things I have told people to follow that I have not done myself and it was about time to embrace those theories. So, I give you…

The Chachi West Logical Work-Out Plan!

Work out your mind, bitches!

Exercise #1: Understand That Sometimes It Is Them…Not You. So Fuck Them.

You see, this was something I had to tell people a lot because I have interviewed a lot. I mean A LOT. I mean if interviews were fucking I would make Madonna and Gene Simmons look like Jordin Sparks. I am a fucking WHORE, whether I am working or not. You see, a manager once told me that interviews are a great tool to learn how to effectively communicate for the job you want because there is no better practice than actually performing. Mock interviews are fucking bullshit because you never know what will happen until you DO IT. They will never always be the same but the more experience you have the better you can use a previous experience to approach a situation you think it may work for. Win or lose, you put it out there and there is no shame in defeat if you performed to the best of your ability and left it all out there. Yes, it is cliché and rather “well, no shit” but most people never grasp that and take not getting a job personally.

Now for a long time I had a real good interview to job ratio up until about August of 2008. I was literally 5 for 5. Now three of those were for the same damn company which became real-life Ike and Tina story except fewer Grammys. But we had some hits…mainly to my face for not singing the track right:

Ike Strikes Back - The best free videos are right here
THAT BE THE PROBLEM IS! Also, this isn’t counting the many jobs I worked at for like three weeks and quit because I didn’t like the color scheme of the office. Which I did quite often but hey, I do what I need to do. When people go in for an interview and don’t get the job, they get hurt about the fact that they were not chosen for the position. I have had to do HR functions (One of the downsides of being a contractor: you are the company bitch) and there are a lot of times when you get called in for an interview and you have no chance in hell of getting the job. You may be the token interview (As a darkie…you can tell) or just someone because they need to fill three slots and you know damn well you are under qualified (Been there too). Either way, you can’t take it personally if you did all you can do. If you explain your skills and what makes you a fit and answer all of their questions effectively and efficiently and you STILL don’t even get to go down the Soul Train line of getting a “fuck yo ass, we found someone else!” email or call then you know what?

IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT

Now this was something I struggled with. You don’t want to sound like a rape victim and saying “I showed up drunk at a frat party dressed like a schoolgirl and started dry-humping the offensive line of the football team with no panties on while singing Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me” and wearing a button that said “Blow Jobs Make For A Strong Economy” but they had NO RIGHT!” but you have accept that sometimes you are not a fit. Whether it is that you are not qualified or they had someone else in mine. What you have to remember is that they could give a rats ass about you or your situation. It is like being upset over a woman or man that dumped you (Boy…do I know THAT SHIT WELL) and not realizing SHE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE THEY DUMPED YOU! They are too busy fucking who they dumped to care about your feelings so you should just chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game and move on to find a fit elsewhere. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be and the sooner you accept that the easier it is to accept rejection when you give it your all and you happen to fail. Now if you half-ass it and fail you have no one to blame for your it except your own dumb ass. You know who you are and I so hate you. It takes a while because it is almost an instinct to be hurt when you are rejected but in the end it isn’t about you, it is about them. It is their loss they didn’t hire you and the one that does is going to get a kick ass employee (Or get a kick-ass partner, however you want to slice it)

Exercise #2: Change Yourself For The Better, Not Just For The Sense of Change. That Shit Is Dumb.

Now this is one that people really seem to just take to the wayside of dipshittery. Now I went on a kick where “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT NO MORE!” and gave myself a timeline for a rather important decision. However, this wasn’t a spur of the moment move as much as it was a move that kept getting deferred (Or I kept talking myself out of, depending on the when and where) and I finally just said unless something major happens to make me happy where I am at, I need a timeline to get my ass in gear. Nothing wrong with that IMHO but others may look at it another way and I respect that. Still, eat a dick because I am right and you are nothing because this is my fucking blog and if you don’t like it go read www.jesussaves.org or some shit because you are in the wrong place. However, if you are going to follow this plan you need to understand that change for the sake of change is not really good change. Think about the Power Rangers for a second here:

Did they REALLY need to go into fucking space? Or back in time? OR USE FUCKING MAGING?! NO but they did it to do it and the show suffered for it. Wizard Rangers…what bullshit. Think of your life the same way. Changing for the sake of change is like changing hair color because you want to or because you are a woman and indecisive (LE ZING!). Sure it looks good for the time being for the occasion or situation at hand but changing hair color is a harsh process on your hair and scalp. After a while, your hair begins to die out and the quality of the job gets worse and worse until your hair falls out and you have nothing left. See, sometimes I can be magic. In other words, change SHOULD be for a reason to advance who you are or what you want to be. Change can be something sudden or something that takes a while to develop over time but it should be thought out and should be for the best.

Exercise #3: No One Is Going To Love You For You. Nor Should They If You Don't Love Your-Own-Damn-Self.

You see, this is something that I have never understood. How can people ask to be and get all pissy when people don’t love them “for them?” Hell, I would say 70% of the people out there don’t LOVE THEMSELVES! Not in the GOOD way that requires an Asa Akira video and a total lack of self-respect, but in the bad way in which they always complain about no one loving them for who they are because they are “misunderstood” or “outside of the box.” Bros, chads, niggas and dumb bitches are firmly entrenched the box of being a fucktard and they are happier than a retard with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.Why? Because they know they are a fucktard and are happy with it! It hit me last year (Shit, it may have been 2007) when I realized that bros don’t care that I think they are assholes with no fashion sense. They are knee-deep in women that kind of don’t care about that because they have mastered the art of stroking their self-esteem (Man, I am so awesome when I am right!). You think niggas care about the fact they are making normal Black people look bad for being overall undereducated fuckers? NO! THEY ARE STACKING THOSE CHIPS AND COUNTING THOSE KEYS, NIGGA! They get bitches by the pound! You think dumb bitches CARE about the fact they will fuck anything that moves after three Long Island Iced Teas? NO! They are already dead inside so they might as well be happy by filling that void with dicks, free drinks and the occasional night where they can say how stupid they were because plausible deniability is reality to fuckwit! Do you see what I am getting at here?

All You Can Be Is You, So Be The Best You That You Can and Want To Be.

They are happy and content with who they are and they live their life accordingly. This used to piss me off but when I was posed the question “Is it us that is stupid or is it them?” I used to think it was them until the day at NDK when the Peanut Butter Jelly Time Banana had two chicks on his arm and we questioned how that made sense and someone stated “If dressing in a banana suit got two chicks on MY arms I would do it! He is doing SOMETHING RIGHT!” That is kind of when I began to think the problem is on both sides. Fucktards should not be the way they are but in the end if you aren’t being you to the best of YOUR ability how in the FUCK CAN YOU COMMENT ON THEM. I have been focusing on what I need to do to get where I want to be and how I will get there. How can I want to be with someone else when I don’t know me (Yes…there is a someone that I want to be with and shockingly it is NOT ZAC EFRON! OOOOHHHH, THE DRAMA!!) enough? What kind of service will I be to them if I am of not of service to my own ideas yet? That right there was a tough pill to swallow but I did and boy was I HIGH for a while. Yet, by doing that you confront a lot of things about yourself that you either held back or ignored and it is a great help. Work it out!

Now back to the initial statement of no one loving you for you. People have asked me what I mean because I am really against changing for the sake of change and I am kind of against changing who you are for a person. Now negative aspects I can understand but just changing things that make you who you are to appease someone else isn’t healthy IMHO. YC and I had this conversation on Friday and our consensus is that changing yourself should be based on where you want to be. For a long time I was the misunderstood guy with a heart of gold…that got shit on pretty much at every turn. So you know what? I decided that was not going to work for me if I wanted to keep my sanity and from going TOTALLY EMO. So I decided to change a little bit of my mindset of what I thought about myself and kind of told everyone to fuck off. Not in the way of alienation but in the way of there are things about me that I feel help make me who I am and a better person and if that is something about me that you don’t like…tough shit. It whittles down my options in life (Relationships and job opportunities) but I have learned that sometimes narrowing things down is the best way to go. The blanket approach may work in a lot of cases but in finding what you REALLY WANT…you end up worse for wear a lot of times when you spread your wants thin. Just saying.

So I am just letting you know that this in itself isn’t a paradigm shift. I still despise people for the most part and think douchery is an act punishable by non-consensual anal rape (More on that during my next post. Nothing says love like a little sodomy!) by a furry. At the same time, I have come to grips that people are going to be how they are no matter what. You can’t make someone love you no matter how much you care, you can’t make a job hire you no matter how qualified you are and you can’t beat Street Fighter 4 no matter how many combos you master. I mean seriously; AM I THIS OUT OF PRACTICE?! You just have to work on you. Man, I wish I knew all of this at 22. I would have saved a lot of bullshit, I tell you what. David Bowie, take us home with a ditty:

LOVE. THAT. SONG. Yeah, Black people like David Bowie. I am dead serious about the title of this post, too. If I don't hear some David Bowie at my funeral I am haunting ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. I am not playing about this one. Peace out, ya’ll.

Chachi Out