Things Just Got Sucky...

What is up! The Second Round of Douchebrawl 2008 has ended and there are a few upsets! We are down to the final sixteen participants, people. Time to see who is left!

Musician Region

In the Musician Region, we have:

(1) Bono
Vs.
(5) Heather Graham

Bono has made it to the Regional Finals for the last two years but he faces his toughest challenge yet against Heather Graham. Let’s not forget, she was leading Tom Cruise in 2006 before a late surge gave Tom the Championship running away. Can she pull of another upset? In the bottom half of the bracket, we have another high powered match-up.

(11) Bobby Petrino
Vs.
(2) Paris Hilton

Paris once again looks to finally get over the hump and make it into the finals! This year she faces a newcomer that is pretty much hated in the states of Georgia and Kentucky in Bobby Petrino. Can his douchery topple Paris? We will have to see! Next we have the…

Trollop Region

In the Trollop region, we have:

(1) Lindsay Lohan
Vs.
(4) Akon

Look who is back! Lindsay Lohan is looking to go back to back with Douchebrawl Championships but she has to run through the annoying African. Akon is back this year and looks to take it to the reigning champ. Can he take the title (And his trifling ass) back to Africa? Next we have another great matchup.

(3) Amy Winehouse
Vs.
(2) George Clooney

Okay….this is the best matchup of the Suckass Sixteen! We have the smug-fucktarditude of Clooney and the coked-up asshatery of Amy Winehouse. How can you pick just one! The winner of these two brackets will face off, but let’s go to the final two brackets!

Acting Region

Now we go to the favorite!

(1) Tom Cruise
Vs.
(12) New York

In what can only be called a shocker, New York makes it out of the Second Round! Great job by the peeps for voting, but too bad she has to face the original douche in Tom Cruise! He looks to make it back to the Finals and he looks like he may run through New York to do it!

(3) T-Pain
Vs.
(2) Kim Kardashian

Ooooooohhhhhh, it’s getting GOOD! I actually think Kim Kardashian is quite the bangin but in the famous words of BeBe….WHAT DOES SHE DO?! We know what T-Pain does; he sucks big black balls. Hey, so does Kim! These two should date! Although mad props to T-Pain for wearing a Moonanite bling-blong. Now to the last bracket!

Asshat Region

(1) Britney Spears
Vs.
(4) Tara Reid

Damn, this is a bad ass Douchebrawl! Britney takes on Tara in what I believe is a rematch of Douchebrawl 2006. Can Britney FINALLY make it to the finals or will Tara continue on after finally getting out of the Second Round? Now for the final matchup.

(3) Kevin Federline
Vs.
(2) 50 Cent

We have a rematch of the 2006 Regional Finals of the Musician Region of Douchebrawl! That time, K-Fed took out Fiddy in route to a shocking loss to Heather Graham. Can Curtis return the favor? It’s up to you!

The brackets are set, the polls are up and it is up to you to cast your votes! The polls will close on 10PM EST on next Sunday so be sure to make your pick! Until then, the power is yours! Too bad I don’t have the power at all guess it’s time to move on:

각 경련의 뒤에 실연은 이다.

Diddy Out.

The Boise Are Back.

What is up peeps?! I am back on a rather dull Sunday to recap an….interesting week. As most of you know, I had to take a four day trip to Boise for work and needless to say I was a tad bit shocked with what I found. Some good, some bad.

Pros: Alcohol Is Cheap.

And I mean REAL CHEAP. My bill for the THREE nights there was the exact same is it was for the Friday night before I left at PF Chang’s. THREE KNIGHTS OF HEAVY ASS DRINKING COST LESS THAN ONE NIGHT IN THIS HELL HOLE. That is fucking stupid. With more people to acquire revenue from, you would figure that the cost of alcohol here would be cheaper since they charge a cover to boot. That is just irritating. I have said it before and I will say it again: The only think that keeps me from being an alcoholic is the cost.

Cons: Wow….I REALLY Don’t Like Lynard Skynard.

FUCK LYNARD SKYNARD! FUCK THEM! Seriously, they fucking suck and White people that love them only love their cousins more. I understand that redneck bars have their place (Just not in America because you fucktards lost the war) and quite simply I don’t belong there. However…yelling “hee-haw” doesn’t make anything better.

Pros: IT’S RAINING MEN!

So on the first night I was there, some co-workers and I partook in the nightlife that was Boise. After some rather interesting developments (Waking up everyone from Boise to Idaho Falls with our yelling, peeing in a bush, peeing on a building, hitting on lesbians) we decided to end our night at a bar/club called “The Balcony.” After going in and scoping we thought it would be a nice place had it not been a Tuesday at about midnight. Then…we realized something. This bar was full of dudes. Then, to top it all off, the bartender called me “sexy.” Now, I know that Asians dig me and all but that was just weird. Because he looked like that dude from MadTV except with muscles:

Nice guy and all but I wasn’t ready for that. However, I went back on Wednesday night when the group and I separated and it wasn’t all that bad! A whole lot of Cher (Which I thought was a stereotype but here I stand corrected) and guys dancing a little too close but aside from that it was hella fun. Felt bad for taking the drinks they bought me, though. Also, it seems that men think cologne smells nice while women think it is pretentious. Who knew?

Cons: Um….Isn’t This Widefield?

So while the majority of my time was spent downtown Boise, there were times we had to bite the bullet and actually train. And that drive to BFE Idaho just made me think…is this Highway 87? Literally, it was like going to that big ass rocking chair before you get to Fountain. Also, the town literally looks like someone took the CSP, cut the mountains down a third, took away 90% of the black people and 100% of the Mexicans (They were THERE I am sure but I didn’t see nary a one. Even the COOKS AND LABORORS were white!) and put it in an even worse state. I was also in a small section of the city but still.

Pros: Bikini Bull Riding

If I have to explain why that is awesome….then there is something wrong with you. Not only that, the bartenders wore chaps and panties. I mean, that is kind of a recipe for business. Although their bartending skills left a lot to be desired and they boobs were faker than their personalities (I mean seriously, bartenders now are just strippers that watched “Cocktail” three times. Saaaaaaad) but overall….dude BIKINI BULL RIDING! I’m all for respecting women (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know, I’m alright!) but man, that is good stuff.

Overall, Boise wasn’t great. It was a nice breath of fresh air from Colorado Springs but at the end of the day its luster would wear off. There really isn’t much to the area and it seems a little bit too sleepy for my tastes. Despite that, I saw two police officers the whole trip and didn’t see a single homeless person or bro the whole time. Which by default makes it the greatest city ever. It is a great place to live as you can fly to Seattle (or even drive for a three day weekend) and it’s out of the way from the hustle abd bustle of city life. However, to visit means you have no real business there EXCEPT business and it wears thin after a few days. In all serious, it wasn’t bad I just couldn’t live there unless I was TOTALLY ballin and wanted to live somewhere that looked like the city in Napoleon Dynamite:

I couldn’t find the Rex-Kwon-Do Dojo, BTW. Overall, it’s like they said in “Suburban Commando”. It’s a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit. Yes, I just gave a “Suburban Commando” reference.

So that is all for now. The Second Round of Douchebrawl will end at 8pm MST tonight and the results will be up shortly afterward. Also, my next post will be based off of the summer movie blockbusters seeing as how my raging orgasm last night at “10,000 BC” during the “Iron Man” trailer woke the ghost of Captain America. Until then, I am going to run the streets for a bit. Peace out, peeps.

Diddy Out.

Sorry...I Came A Little Early. This Time It's A Good Thing!

What is this? Didn’t I JUST SAY the Friday staple was making a onetime only appearance on Saturday? Hell no, I gots to give ya’ll what ya want! So let’s get this party started, albeit late!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We begin with a surprising success on its way out!

20. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #16)
It looks to be the end of the road for The Doggfather as he is about to fall off the Countdown. He had a good run, even hitting the Top Five. Just saw his new video and….I am not a fan.
19. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (New Entry)

HELL YEAH! The Roots are back in your fricking face! First Kanye, then Talib, then Lupe and now Black Thought and The Roots drop a new video and needless to say it aint like the other rap videos. You know….this could be the year rap comes back like cooked crack. Yeah, I said it.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #20)
Okay….I listened to this song like 10 times on the way to Boise and it was on when I landed. After a few weeks it has begun to grow on me. You know, if Kaba Modern danced to this…we could have ourselves a battle here.
17. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #14, One Week at #1)
NO ALICIA! It is almost the end of the road for Miss Keys. Ever since September of 2007 Alicia has been a staple on this Countdown and for the first time since then it looks like she may not have a video on here. It hurts inside.
16. Yui – Laugh Away (New Entry)

After being gone for almost five months, Yui has TWO VIDEOS in the Top 20 yet again! Her album is FINALLY coming out in April and I am totally waiting for that day! This new video has a “CHE.R.RY” feel to it which means good stuff.
15. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #18)
Mr. Morrison moves up a big three spots this week. You know, I don’t get to see this video often enough because….well people suck and don’t want to hear good music. I bet you there is a Lil’ Mama video on somewhere.
14. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #12)
Sowelu falls another two spots this week after coming so close to following up the success of “24Karats.” There is a new album coming soon so it aint all bad.
13. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #15)

I got nothing. Just look at them.
12. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #10, Two Weeks at #1)
Well, it was bound to happen. NaNa doesn’t have a video in the Top 10 for the first time in 4 months. Pretty kickass streak and I am STILL WAITING FOR SOMETHING NEW.
11. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #13)
I need to pick up her new album! Oh, and this video is officially everywhere. It isn’t as good as “On & On” or “Love Of My Life” but it is up there. Not only that, she is a step away from her first Top Ten video! Nice!
10. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #11)
We start off the upper half with a repeat contender! Hearts Grow is looking to better the success of “Himawari” and with this video they may just do it! I haven’t heard much about what they plan on doing about an album but I am looking forward to it.
9. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #7)
HAMC falls another two spots this week in a tad of a shocker. Their new video should be on soon though because I am really beginning to like it.
8. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #9)
We have more Yui! Remember when I demanded more Yui every three minutes? Well, now I got it and I cannot be happier. Although I am looking for another “Rolling Star” but you can’t win them all, you know?
7. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #6)
After a strong run, it looks like The World isn’t going to take over the top spot. It is a shame because their new album is better as a WHOLE than “BUGRIGHT” but it had “Shamrock” and that is really hard to top.
6. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #8)

You know, some of you may think that Mihimaru GT came from nowhere with this dominance of the Countdown but they have been around for a minute and I have been a fan for a second. Because of that, they are moving up and looking for their second number one video. But now we are left with five!
5. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #3)
Nelly Furtado couldn’t take the top spot again. Nelly falls from the Top Three this week and looks to be falling farther. She has been running off of “Loose” since 2006 and it is about that time to give me something new. C’mon, woman!
4. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #5)
RBD! RBD! RBD! The rebels move up one spot this week as they look to pull their first number one video! You know, I thought that their entry into the American market would have been better received but it is proof that America sucks ass. We passed on Joe Carter, too. To the Top Three!
3. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #2)

John couldn’t do it! After two weeks at runner up, “Show Me” went the way of “Stereo” and falls just short of the top. However, John is the most dominant force on the Countdown since it’s humble beginnings in 2006. That is a good feat with all the great videos he has had to compete with. And then there were two!
2. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)

SHOCKER! After a dominant one month run, CRS falls a spot and relinquishes the top spot! This video is still great and I still love the song but there was one video that stood above the rest. And despite the greatness of this video, we have a NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)

After only a month, Bennie K takes their first number one spot on over a year! As a matter of fact, it was over a year between this video and “1001 Nights” but Yuki and Cico’s fine selves came back with a vengeance! I listen to this song and watch this video every day (even at work) and it is simply awesome! It has been a short ride but Bennie K is back on top!

That is all for this week! Tune in next week to see if Bennie K can hold on for another week! Or with the combined might of CRS topple them and recapture the throne? Or can RBD’s combined hotness heat up the top? Tune in to find out!

I brought this up a day early because I had some time to finish this up because I am too exhausted to go out after a week of intensive training. However, I will have a recap of my trip to Boise and Douchebrawl results on Sunday. Tomorrow….I think it is Denver time. Until next time, stay up.

Diddy Out.

I AINT DEAD, A-HOLES!

I’M BACK, BITCHES! I just landed about 20 minutes ago and I had to let you know that the kid aint dead! However, everything is pushed back a day. The Countdown will make a rare Saturday appearance (NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!!!) and the usual Saturday blog will be up on SUNDAY. However, the Second Round of Douchebrawl WILL end on Sunday night and the Suckass Sixteen will begin soon after! I will also have a full recap of my week in Boise. Just know this: there are a LOT of White people there. A LOT OF THEM. More this weekend; stay tuned. Until then, stay up!

Diddy Out!

It's Time For Round Two, Fools!

Douchebrawl's first round ended about 40 minutes ago and although the turnout was low as usual, I expect it to grow as we get along in the process. No real upsets aside from Fergie, Jack Thompson and Toby Keith making it into the Second Round. Here are the matchups!































Vote now, polls close next Sunday at 10pm EST!!!

VOTE OR DIE!!

Still Waters Run Deep....Take A Dive.

I’m back, peeps! Douchebrawl’s first round ends tomorrow and I will have the results up Monday or tomorrow night. Updates will be scarce next week as I will be in Boise and I don’t think they have the internet yet. Surprisingly enough, they have militias…and Mormons. Yeah, I am going to hate this shit.

So I was talking to some people at the comic book store about the blog (I have four readers! W00t!) and they mentioned about how I have been updating more often lately. At the pace I am going I will have about 260 updates for 2008, more than 2006 (when I was on a roll) and last year when I had a really bad down period in the summer. With that, they noticed that I repeat topics a lot. My rants are mainly on bros, women and Black people recently in comparison to some of the great rants I had in 2006. Well, updating a blog and keeping it fresh is a lot more difficult than people think. It’s why TV shows have 13 episode seasons. To update everyday with new material gets hard to do after two years; that is just the nature of humor and commentary. With that being said, I am going to try something new today. Depending on the response I may do this more often (Like the Top 20 Video Countdown, Chachi’s Omnibus and Captain Master Chief Chachi Goes Hollywood) but right now I want to give you the first installment of a new part of the Passion of Chachi family:

Chachi’s Deep Thoughts!

Deep Thought #1: Women Seem To No Longer Be….Human?

Joe and I had an interesting discussion last night at Fox & Hound (aka, the worst restaurant in the Springs) about all the aids women have to make themselves look better. It was interesting because after I came to the realization that fake breasts look good with clothes on but horrible with clothes off (and I asked why women get them and I have yet to get an answer that isn’t counter-intuitive) I wondered why women augment themselves when they say they are independent and non-conformist. Yet…all tattoos they have are in the same spot. I went there. The simple fact is that there are several products/procedures that are out there that are used to make women feel (or perceive to feel) more beautiful:

• Jeans that lift and shape their butt (Normally I would like this but its a LIE!)
• Bras that lift, separate, accost and give concussion blasters to breasts (I kid)
• Every astringent, cleanser, pore filler and cosmetic available
• Hair dye (Which I believe is the dumbest shit ever. Sorry ladies)
• Fake lips, eye lashes, contacts and personalities (BURN!)
• Fake breasts, butt implants, lip injections, etc. (*Sigh*, what ever happend to nature?)

With all of that, there is no reason that women should complain about their beauty. Now initially that may sound like I am saying women have no excuse to be ugly and I don’t believe that to be true because no woman is ugly. They are all beautiful on the inside, and I have been there. In their houses to find out where they work so I can wait for them until they get off and follow them home. That’s a date, and don’t judge me. Think about it, what do MEN have to make them look better?

• Cars (Which I have one but a Saturn screams economy, not ballin)
• Money (To which I am nowhere near ballin enough to counteract my ugly)
• Steroids (And I don’t want to look like Barry Bonds. The man has a head like a grizzly)

And that is IT. Hell, the fashion and cosmetic industry LITERALLY make 90% of their revenue from women. Although men usually PAY for it (Destiny’s Child, anyone?) the fact that so much emphasis is put on how females look is no long a man’s fault. It is about supply and demand. Women decide they aren’t pretty enough so then they want items to make them socially prettier. Is it wrong to create a product to help with that insecurity? Hell no! It’s what makes America great! I don’t even see why they complain about it because women can be a different person every day with all the products out for them to change their appearance to be “more attractive.” Women have SO MANY FACTORS in their corner that they can use to almost create a whole new person a la “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”:

Seriously, that is what it has been reduced to. From now on, women need a disclaimer on them and a nutritional value that says what percentage is fake and what is real. Yes….I went there. I have yet to understand why women go through the torture of wearing clothes that don’t fit and undergoing procedures to modify their bodies so they can either impress men or…impress men. It all falls back to that. Yet, I always say if someone doesn’t like you for how you are then that is their choice and changing yourself to fit into a social norm of beauty is self-defeating because beauty is in acceptance of yourself. Think about THAT ONE for a second.

Deep Thought #2: Canadian Stampede…GREATEST PPV EVER. And Wrestling Will Never Get That Good.

I know none of you are wrestling fans and I really don’t give a fuck. Canadian Stampede was one of the few PPV’s I have seen live (Along with Wrestlemania X-7 which is a CLOSE second. And I mean CLOSE second) and man was it HOT. The Canadians may not be very cool (Aside from Bryan Adams of course) but they know how to be a hot wrestling crowd. Every match on the card was either fucking awesome (The Great Sasuke vs. TAKA), very good (Triple H vs. Mankind), very watchable (Vader vs. Undertaker) or arguably the greatest tag team match of all time (the main event). I was (and still am) a HUGE Bret Hart mark (yeah, I said mark) and I was all over the opening of the main event. The match was executed very well and the crowd made the match for me. Just e-fucking-lectric. It’s a tragedy that four of the ten participants (Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Brian Pillman and Hawk) are no longer with us:

You know what? I want John Cena to take a look at this video and see the ring presence of Bret Hart. Learn it and shut the fuck up. You will never be as good as anyone in this ring, sans Ken Shamrock. He sucked. Oh, and dare I say the figure four leg lock on the ring post may be one of the best spots in wrestling? It’s about showmanship, people. I mean I can’t COMPLETELY blame Cena. I mean who is his competition face-wise? Hulk Hogan had The Ultimate Warrior. Bret Hart had Shawn (ugh) Michaels. Steve Austin had The Rock. In wrestling, every number one needs a 1A. Who is that now? Batista? I don’t think people connected with him the same after his pectoral tear…the second one I mean. The Undertaker is on his way out and Shawn Michaels sure as well better be because he is more broken physically than the psyche of a freshman sorority girl after the first kegger of the school year. Vince will NEVER (And I mean NEVER) push CM Punk no matter how talented we all think he is so ROH fans need to just stop. Vince will push Snitsky over him…and has. I have said it once and I will say it again: you are only as good as your competition. Cena’s competition is either old, over exposed or he has already BEATEN (Like with the Edge situation. He could be the next Randy Savage if the WWE weren’t such tools) so you have booked him into a corner where no one believes that his opponent has a chance to beat him in any way shape or form unless he is Triple H. *Sigh* I miss the good old days:

I miss the attitude. Now it is just CRAP-itude.

Deep Thought #3: God Hates Colorado

Seriously. I am getting SICK AND TIRED of the fucking pot holes here. I mean some of them aren’t even holes anymore; they are damn ditches. Just traveling to get my oil changed I thought I broke my fucking shocks (Luckily nothing was wrong) from two huge ass potholes on Chelton. Not only that, how can it be 74 degrees yesterday and only like 26 right now?! FUUUUUUUCK!

Deep Though #4: Teenagers Are Stupid And Don’t Need To Be Pandered To.

Now you all know what I feel about children. We don’t give them enough credit, but at the end of the day they are STILL children which means that they are less than people. Teenagers….are even worse. I mean aside from “The N” which has a few good shows from my childhood (Daria, Saved By The Bell, the original DeGrassi for a while) for the most part, the “teenification” of American TV, music and cinema is fucking up all the good stuff. There are no more cartoons out there. Remember when we were teenagers? The cartoons were intelligent yet funny:

• Animaniacs
• Tazmania
• The Tick (w00t, motherfuckers!)
• Pinky and The Brain
• Daria
• Freakazoid
• Gargoyles
• Darkwing Duck

Hell, even later in life (late teens, early twenties) we had Undergrads, Clone High and Invader Zim! Now name ONE good cartoon not called “Class of 3000?” All the shows are shitty teen shows like all the crap on the Disney Channel. They are all live action crap that acts like life can be resolved through working together and being yourself. BULLSHIT. Kids, the only way you can make it through school without being a fucking pussy and shooting up your classmates (Too soon?) is to find people like you and hold onto them because they are all that will help you maintain your sanity in the shitstorm that is high school. Remember that in the real world as well. College is a different story because your mentality changes when you are paying for class. I’m sorry, but I don’t see Hannah Montana as being the least bit vindicating, enlightening or entertaining. Same goes for every live action show (which to my defense I haven’t seen them all so I am typecasting but I am sure I am right. Brokeback Theory and all) on TV right now for teens. In comparison, remember OUR live action teen shows?

• Saved By The Bell
• Californina Dreams
• USA High
• Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
• Swans Crossing (GREATEST. KIDS SOAP. EVER)
• Hangtime
• And of course…Big Bad Beetle Borgs!

I don’t care what you say, Beetle Borgs forever! With that being said, the days of waking up on a Saturday morning to great shows until noon are over. It’s why most kids sleep in on Saturdays! There is nothing to get you revved up to go outside and play anymore! Even worse are these shows that are the live action shows that are “for kids” yet all they do is rip off from a “very special episode” of Blossom and add some mild cursing to it. And worse acting. If you ever wondered why kids are so maladjusted these days, take a look at these shows and just listen to them for a second when you are in the mall looking at shoes or something. They are fucking ridiculous. Parents can’t relate because what they absorb is so asinine that I am surprised that they done bump headlong into walls like Chris Redfield in the original Resident Evil as you try to avoid a zombie in the heat of the moment. We need to fix this and fix this now. At some point….we will have to vote for one of these fuckers.

Deep Thought #5: You Like NASCAR? Congrats, You Are Barely Smarter Than A Cat.

I was at the comic book store yesterday. I just found out that “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” comes on after NASCAR. Now that is just fucking IRONIC. Okay, let me explain something right here and now, boy. I am not an athletic guy by any means. But I can say this from a logic standpoint: NASCAR isn’t a sport. It’s engineering. A car is created and matched up against OTHER CARS. You really don’t even need a person to have a NASCAR race, all you need is a few do-until or do-while loops (Like…four MAX. Programmers understand what I mean) and you could have robots run the damn race. It is boring and it is stupid. If you like NASCAR you are barely above the mental acumen of a drugged cat. You know why? That was the only time Nala watched NASCAR because she is a FUCKING CAT AND SHE KNOWS NASCAR IS FUCKING STUPID!! I defend a lot of things I like but at the end of the day I can understand that not everyone sees the redeeming qualities in musicals, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Derrickcomedy like I do. But I can honestly say that there is nothing redeeming about NASCAR. It is borderline racist (Say Blacks are invited if you will, but any place where they fly the Confederate flag over the American one and think the General Lee is more important than Kitt is a place where they fuck their cousins and I don’t want to be at because I know you don’t want me there) and the only real excitement is watching high speed traffic drive in a circle in hopes of a crash and a death. I have seen that; it was called I-25 during the Cosmix construction. NASCAR takes as much skill as it does to drive drunk and I don’t care if it is the most watched “sport” in America. Porn is the biggest selling medium on the internet and I don’t see your Jesus letting you support that. But why should you when you could always get your cousin drunk and see her naked. Better than I am getting right now, but I prefer to keep my sex out of the family. Thaaaaaaaaanks.

That is all for now. Douchebrawl is running a tad bit late but I will have updates up by Tuesday. Until then, you know where to find me. I’ll be around:

Rappin 4-Tay in the house, fools!

Diddy Out.

Three Days Until Liftoff....

It is Friday so you know what that means! It’s time for the…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We begin with a big debut video!

20. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (New Entry)

Okay…I am ashamed I like this video. But I just can’t help it! The hook is bananas and dammit this beat is tits! Plus when Kanye aint talking, he is alright.
19. Abingdon Boys School – Blade Chord (Last Week #17)
ABS looks like they are spending their last week on the Countdown. I am still looking for the news on the new TM Revolution album but once again I have been thwarted.
18. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #19)
James Morrison moves up only one spot this week as he slowly works his way up the chart. Has anyone heard an album from him that I can pick up?
17. May J. – Do Tha, Do Tha (Last Week #15, One Week at #1)

NOOOOOOO! I needs me some more May J! She also needs herself a damn sandwich. I am sick of the skinny women lately.
16. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #14)
Snoop Dogg falls another two spots this week as his new video should be out soon. Oh, and his reality show sucks I’ve heard. I will take your word for it.
15. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #18)
Foxxi is back and they are moving up three big spaces this week! These ladies are looking a tad bit older this time around but just as damn fine. Especially Dem. Just damn sexy. Tastes gooooood!
14. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #12, One Week at #1)
So….when am I going to get a new video, Alicia?! Oh, and her album is STILL dominating the charts after five months or so. Now that’s big pimpin.
13. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #16)
Miss Badu is moving on up! I hear her album comes out next week and I am a bit excited. Her last two albums have been “meh” so I am looking forward to this one.
12. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #9)
Sowelu falls out of the Top 10! It’s a shame, I was glad to have her back up there again. Needless to say, she heats up everything when she is around. Like an Asian Mandy Moore.
11. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #13)

Hearts Grow is one step away from their second Top 10 video! Where in the hell is the album, people?!
10. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #7, Two Weeks at #1)
So NaNa holds on to the Top 10 for another week, albeit at the end. I have yet to hear of anything new from the hottest lady to be on the Countdown and I am really jonesin right now.
9. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #11)
Yui is BACK! Her latest video gives her five in the Top 10! I am really looking forward to her next album with it having “My Generation”, “Love & Truth” and now this one. It may be lacking of rocking songs like “Rolling Star” but that is life I guess.
8. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #10)
Mihimaru GT is moving up with this ballad! I am watching this video more and more mainly because Hiroko looks great and….that’s actually all I need to like this video. Any word of a new album yet? Anyone?
7. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #4)
After coming SO CLOSE to knocking off CRS, HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR falls from the Top Five. They have a new video out and it isn’t bad if I say so myself. Not up to par with their old stuff but it is still good.
6. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #6)

UVERworld seems to have stalled this week as they stand pat at the number six spot and right outside of the Top Five. Can they continue their previous upward mobility next week? Onto the Top Five!
5. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #8)
RBD IS BACK! Just not back in Colorado as they once again aren’t coming to Denver like a bunch of hot jerks. That is not cool! I am THIS CLOSE to starting a petition! Even still, they move into the Top Five for the first time since 2007!
4. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #5)
Bennie K moves one step closer to their second number one video! This is about to become the ringtone if it doesn’t stop, I tell you what. This gets me hella excited because that means another Bennie K album is on the way! On another note, has anyone found a subbed version of “Binbo Danshi?” I have NO IDEA what is going on but it rules!
3. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #3)

Nelly Furtado stands pat at number three this week. Can she overtake John Legend or will she once again be held back?
2. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #2)

John Legend is STILL looking for that elusive fourth number one video. He holds on to number two for the second straight week as he looks to unseat the current champ. With that being said…
1. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)

THE CHAMPS ARE STILL HERE! CRS and Thom Yorke have officially held on to the top spot for a full month, and join the ever elusive Full Month Club! Here is hoping that they actually do a full album or at least a mixtape. Congrats guys!

That is all for this week! Can CRS make it five weeks at number one? Or will John Legend become a total legend with his fourth number one video? Or can Nelly Furtado finally defeat John and take over the top spot? We will see next week!

Well, I am out. Hopefully it will be sushi and sake tonight but even if not, stay up peeps.

Diddy Out.

Whoo Whoo! Pain Bus Coming! Whoo Whoo!

What is up, peeps! It is another Wednesday and of course I feel like total shit. I swear, over the last eight months or so I have gone from blinding rage to sniveling pussy boy. I have said since college that as much as I hate emo, the only thing keeping me from going that way is the bad fashion sense. If I am going to brood, I want to look FAB-YOU-LOUS doing it. You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just cut myself and see how deep I can go before I just…pass out, man. Oh, don’t act so shocked. You knew I was fucking crazy.

So a lot of people have been reading my blog lately (On the Blogger side, anyway. People drop me from MySpace all the time…and you know who you fucking are) and shockingly enough, people have been asking me questions. Seeing as how my friends go (and pretty much in order)

1. Griff (My dog for life. RIDE OR DIE, NUKKA! Like a Black Buddha, minus the halcyon days. Griff is an angry ass dude. And it has NOTHING to do with him being a Muslim, you racist bastards! It’s because he’s Black)
2a. Zach (Would be number one…but he hits me)
2b. Rick (I don’t see him often enough for him to be number one but a man that will let you sleep on his couch when you are about to yuke….that’s true friendship)
2c. Nolan (Because of all four, we would make the best buddy cop movie. A Morman and a Black man fighting crime? Smell the ratings!)
3. Nicole (Because at the end of the day….you are still a woman. And women are the fucking devil)
4. Amberly (See above. More on this later)
5. Ted (Because he has helped me hide many a hookers dead body over the last 8 years)

After that I have pretty much no one to talk to so I talk to myself, Christopher Williams style:

So the fact that people that I don’t really know are interested in why I am such an emotional wreck is touching. Almost makes me happy to be alive. ALMOST. So in keeping up with the theme of this blog, it always has and will be about the peeps. So to show you all that I care….okay I cant keep a straight face. To show you all that I am LISTENING but don’t care I have a special edition of a little something that I call the bus. So grab your bags, get your PBJ and orange slices and keep your hands inside the windows because we are going on a field trip, bitches! I give to you….

The Passion of Chachi Omnibus: The People’s Champ Edition!

Man….that dude was FUCKING AWESOME. So lets get this bus a rollin!

Question #1: Why Do You Think People Suck, Guy?

It has been told to my by several (Read: TWO and I only have five or so people that visit) readers that I have become increasingly dark and more pissed off than usual. Well, I would have to agree with that because my life has become increasingly full of crushing defeats and it is my own fault. I put way too much stock in people and their ability to not be fucktards which in the end gets to be a lesson in ME being a fucktard for thinking people are worth more than the air they breathe. Which they aren’t. So from this point on, I am running under a new frame of mind. Getting upset is rather counter-productive to what I naturally believe in so I am going to change that. How you ask?

UTTER AND COMPLETE APATHY.

Nolan had a pretty good idea about the people suck theory. Seeing as how I would LIKE a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex but that shit aint gonna happen because I am kind of a spaz, it seems like a pretty good recourse. When it all breaks down, the less emotional stock I put into caring about people and what they think, the less I have to worry about being shocked when people disappoint me or piss me off. Rather than get upset or bitch to Griff and listen to Yuna Ito songs all night while I watch Korean dramas (I likes me a good cry, okay?!) and eat Pocky to the point I am too depressed to even masturbate (Which means I am REALLY DEPRESSED) I am just going to say “eh.” No more emotion, no more caring, no more being jaded. Although….this is the ULTIMATE in being jaded but let me have this. I am having a breakthrough here, no matter how fucked up it is.

The way I look at it, with the way my life has been going on the emotional front it is a hell of a lot easier to stop caring than to get mad. Logically, being apathetic about relationships with people means that I may miss out on some earth-shattering highs and possible some wonderful moments. But seeing as how my life has been a series of “HOW IN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!” moments that end in days (read: months) of confusion and melancholy MP3 mixes with the eventual breakthrough and having the “I’m Beautiful, Dammit!” moments only to get stabbed in the chest like Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays (It has been long enough. Take a fucking joke), apathy doesn’t seem like a bad idea. To me it seems like a fair tradeoff to avoid the pride-destroying lows even though I sacrifice the one or two moments of uninhibited elation that comes to me a year. Yeah….I am kind of a mess. Everyone back on the bus! Let me make a stop before I plow this bad boy into a river…

Question #2: Seriously….Are You Gay? C’mon, It’s Cool If You Are!

You know what? I have been asked this question twice this year (You will remain nameless, you dumb bitches) and I decided a long time ago that this didn’t bug me but the fact that this has come up AGAIN means people obviously didn’t listen the first fucking time. Even better to revisit because my stance has changed about the subject, too. My answer will be and will always be that I am not sexually attracted to men. Or animals so don’t even think about getting smart…except collies. Lassie was damn hot. Yes, collies are the new Asians when it comes to fetishes. Anyway, I am making no allegiances to women because one has never really made one to me. I mean as of right now, I am leaving my options open to anything that isn’t something I would eat in a pinch sans dudes. And you know what? The only reason that dudes are off this list isn’t because it is immoral (Which it isn’t) but because I don’t want to have sex. Especially gay sex. I mean, I am not a cock tease here and I don’t want to give off the wrong vibe because I aint down for the reach around on either end. For the most part it is easier to be long term friends with a man because there is no real emotional attachment there. Rick has bought me drinks; I don’t see a need to offer him a handjob. It’s because we boys. For some reason when I buy drinks for a woman they believe that I want to fuck them and that is just the ultimate in ego right there. Seriously, get over yourself. You may not read this but you know who you are.

Secondly, I know that I can say what I need to say to any MALE friend that might piss them off because in the end it is either for humor or because they need to hear it. You know how many times my male friends have railed into me for old women?! A FUCKING LOT! Now tell a female friend (Or even better your GIRLFRIEND) that she is being petty about something or ask her to take a look at something in a different way. You may as well try to fuck a lion because both are painful and about if pointless. Being friends with men may be hard because what I like (musicals, disco, dancing, disco dancing, musicals about disco dancing) is almost inherently female sans football but it is a lot easier than being friends with women because you pretty much become Dr. Phil and they don’t listen and after a while I stop caring. Case in point, this was a dialog after telling a female friend about how she was wrong about something last Thursday (I believe):

Friend: I can’t believe you said something so mean! I thought we were friends….
Me: We are. Unless or friendship is solely based on me telling you what you want to hear all the time. I don’t see how that is beneficial especially in a situation like this.
Friend: Are you going to help me and give me advice or are you going to insult me?
Me: ….I am going to give the advice of what you SHOULD do, you will do what you WANT to do and then you will get upset. It’s clockwork. I can set my damn watch to it. So let’s just say this conversation happened and you do what you need to do while I drive because it’s snowing.
Friend: You’re a fucking dick.
Me: Nolan would laugh.
Friend: What’s a Nolan?

I will stop there. This is how a conversation with a male friend would go:

Friend: Stop being a candyass.
Me: Fine, fucky.
Friend: Fuck you too, fucky.
Me: We getting drinks? (Replace with Mario Kart or Devil May Cry for my non-drinkers)
Friend: Hells yeah, bitch.

See how easy that is?! Now imagine dating that woman from above. I have and it was not pretty at all. In the end, I could (and would) never date a man because that is not my thing. Since there is no viable third option (C’mon, Japan! Gimmie a Persocon!) I guess loneliness is my calling card. I’m a Manosexual. Two hands on the wheel!

Question #3: Hey, Man! You Have Been Easy On Religion! WTF!

Okay, I will admit to that and take ownership. I have laid off religion a great deal over the last few months. Mainly because religion is fucking lame and I am tired are arguing with people about shit that didn’t happen. You believe a hippie Jew walked on water? Knock yourself out. I no longer give a fuck about you or your long haired leader. To argue about religion is to argue about belief and I no longer have the time or the passion to do so. You believe in the word, I believe its all bullshit. It is a code to live your life by, not shit that really happened. But if you believe, go ahead with your bad self. Answer this: if life begins at conception, why don’t we celebrate birthdays from that date rather than when they fire out of a vagina like a snap in a shotgun formation? Because you would have to rely on science to find out when it was conceived and then science wins and once again religion loses. There is your sign: religion can still eat a dick but it can do it on its own time. I have video games and bros to rant about. With that being said, the bus is back on the road!

Question #4: What Is With All The Politics On The Blog Lately? WTF!

First off, people really say that and I despise internet speak. So fucking stop it. Second of all, I have always been political, even since high school. Living overseas I honestly believe gives you a new insight about America. Now I left Italy in 1992 but up until then I had spent more time overseas than I had stateside. I began to look at America from another perspective and I realized that…the status quo kind of sucks. Have you noticed that we are two primaries away from having Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton? I really sat back and thought about it and….I don’t want that. That is the chance for 24 years of two types of politics: fucked up and REALLY fucked up. I will leave it up to you which one is which. I don’t know about you, but I believe that it is time for a change. I am really sick of the way this country has been run and how we have either looked like pussies or bullies. I am sick of the two party system with both candidates saying the same thing except for the standard party line bullshit (abortion, the war, immigration, etc). I am sick of Jesus being held over my government. In the famous words of the late Owen Hart…

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT IS TIME FOR A CHANGE!!

This is the first time that I can remember that there have been two viable candidates running for President. Oh, and Hillary. I believe that if it becomes an Obama/McCain election for President, we could see a major change in the way not only this country is run but how the world views us. McCain is like Ronald Reagan minus the asshatery of trying to eliminate Black people. Yes, we sold drugs to each other but it got there some how. The shit didn’t grow on trees. McCain is a President NO ONE wants to fuck with because he will say he will kick your ass and then he will do it, thug style like only McInsane can do it. However, no one will ever….and I mean EVER want to be our ally again. He may not be a war monger but he wont repair ties with other countries and to some that may be fine but to me that is scary. Unless he forces them and even then that’s not how I prefer we do business.

Then you have Obama. No experience whatsoever. I played SimCity, I could be President! I believe that he could be a JFK. Hell, I believe that if he gets voted in that he will have a Bay of Pigs type of situation. I believe that he will be able to fix our relationships with our former allies and give America a fresh face of non-Imperialistic douchery. He could help rebuild NATO and even bring other countries into the fold and create a global force against asshatery and even terrorism. Hell, he may even give the UN an Army. About damn time, too. You know what else, he better rebuild NATO because with no military clout (Unless he gets a kick ass cabinet, unlike Bush) he will get fucked with EVERYDAY. If you win, get ready because you will be tested.

At the end of the day, the reason I am talking about politics is because for the first time in my history I am excited about it. There is a chance that no matter who is voted into office that the United States has a chance to change for the better. Neither is a fucktard (Clinton & Clinton) and neither is an asshat (Bush and Bush) and despite their faults, and they each have several, they are both going to do well in changing the course of America for the better. That is why this blog has politics now. VOTE OR DIE! But first, the last stop for the Omnibus!

Question #5: I Thought You Were Going To Do A State Of The Black Union?!

Ah, the great oxymoron: Black Union. Well, I will put it to you in one simple compound word:

CROSSROADS

Black people, understand that Obama is half-White so no matter what we have a white President. People seem to forget that. With that being said, we are seeing the De-Niggerfucation of Blacks in America at a surprising rate. It’s weird, I never thought we would see the day. The first people to revolt against the “Crank Dat” phenomenon? Black people. The first people to actually boycott BET? Black people. The first people to defend Don Imus? Black people. I really believe that a lot of us (And there aint that many of us now with the Hispanic population blowing up like a chili enema) realize that it is time to say “we need to fix this” because no one is going to do it for us. However, there is still a die-hard group of people that just REFUSE to let being ignorant go. They need to be dealt with quickly because they are the only ones the media listen to. Initially the thought was if we ignore them that hopefully everyone else would. No such luck as Jesse Jackson has gotten just as much screen time as Obama and CNN even asked him a question about Farrakhan last night. Why is that even pertinent to him running for the Democratic nomination?! Because he is Black. The fact is that getting respect is not going to be easy. We have made it half-way up the mountain to re-respectability in a very short time after the Kobe Incident and all we need is a little more effort. Problem is…niggas are lazy. They are like albacores around our necks. Facetious, people.

Long story short, the Black Union is at a point where either we are going to move into a brighter light and shine….or Crank Dat Batman. It’s up to ya’ll, I personally aint in the mood to crank nothing. And the bus has stopped for now!

That was LOOOOOOOONG! Well, I am sure the peeps need a rest so I am out. I will try to be back up tomorrow before the Countdown. Also, don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl!

Diddy Out

Debate This!

What is up, peeps! Late night blog update as I realize that the service at Old Chicago’s…not so good. Downright shitty actually. First things first, Douchebrawl is off and running and the votes as usual are low for the first round. Same as last year but I figure it to pick up as the buzz goes around again.

With that being said, I am beginning to notice as the updates are coming more frequently, the readers grow so I guess posting everyday would help. Seeing as how no woman will ever love me for who I am (and rightfully so) I will never have a real fucking social life so updating everyday doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Hell, you guys are the closest I will ever get to a date and I appreciate that. Except for dude, we are just cool. I aint down for the reach around. With that being said, I missed the debates earlier tonight (I am watching the replay now and….this shit is whack) and as many of you know I really just wish that Hillary Clinton would do nothing but shut the fuck up. I am really….and I mean REALLY sick and tired of how people (read: WOMEN) are behind her SOLELY because she is female. And I am REALLY FUCKING SICK of how Black people are behind Obama solely because he is Black. Now I have said it before and I will say it again that voting is a right and you are free and able to make your own choice. If you want to vote for fucking Harrison Ford then by all means do so. Odds are he would do a better job than all of the candidates combined. He piloted the Millennium Falcon, you know.

With that being said, you know I voted for Barack Obama for the Caucus (or the dumbest meeting with no punch and pie ever) of Colorado but I am still undecided about my Presidential choice. Here are a few things to take to heart:

Hillary Clinton: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN YOUR RACE.

Seriously. You are losing votes because you are beginning to look like a desperate candidate. As much as I don’t want to vote for you, it isn’t all lost. One thing about politics that the American people (now I am generalizing here so correct me if I am wrong) don’t want to hear about what the other candidate CANT DO. They want to hear what you CAN DO. From what I can tell and heard, you have barely done that. You have spent time getting in an “Oh no you di-ent!” battle with Obama. You can talk about your non-existent record (I don’t care if you were married to a President. It takes ideas to lead and you don’t have any. No offense, just speaking my mind) about being ready to be President the consensus view is that you are running off your husband’s name and they whole first woman president thing. I know that because you mention it all the damn time. That should not be your fucking focus! Obama RARELY talks about being the first Black President (because his ass WILL get shot, sadly) and talks about how he is different and how he is the face of change from the status quo that not only reigned in Bush’s Presidency but Bill Clinton’s final four years as well. You need to show that you aren’t like everyone else. Not only because you are a woman but because you are a breath of fresh air with new ways to make this country the superpower it was before. Focusing of the negative of your candidate and sticking to points that aren’t relevant to the election itself makes you look petty and weak. Focus on your gameplan and then implement it on your opponent.

Barack Obama: WHAT DO YOU DO?!

Obama, you are a great speaker. I mean JFK meets Bill Clinton meets Rick James speaker. You have taken an obvious strike against you (Your dumb ass health care plan. Helllllloooooo socialism!) and made it look like it was (almost) a good idea. At least better than Hillary’s even dumber ass idea. You are literally a fresh face into politics with new ideas about how we should focus our actions in America to make us not only better here but abroad as well. You have great ideas to reward college students and make the workforce strong that should create a boost in the economy. You have a plan (albeit tried and FAILED) about how to bring the troops home. You have ideas on how to create a united front in the war on terrorism by re-building the ties with our allies to relieve the stress of our military. You have a great plan and you position it well against Hillary which is why you are leading in delegates and have a head of steam going into next week’s primaries. There is one big ass problem with you…

HOW?

You have not ONCE said how we are going to fulfill all these ideas you have. You know who Obama reminds me of? A coach with an awesome gameplan and no players to make it work. What you want to do with America is great an you have the Democratic fanbase (as well as some independents and jaded Republicans) buying into it. Has anyone heard a HOW he is going to make all of this work? Before you secure a vote for President you have to give insight on how your ideas are going to come to fruition. We need progress, not promises. You have a comfy lead but we don’t know how you are going to follow through. Give me SOMETHING and you have my vote. You sound too good to be true, and that is not good to take against McInsane (MY MAN!)

John McCain: DON’T PULL A HOWARD DEAN!

John, you HAVE THIS ON LOCKDOWN! America is NOT going to vote for a female President (At least not THIS ONE) and there is no way IN HELL America is going to vote for a colored. This is the US of A, not BET. I just don’t think they are ready for that (Surprisingly, the world is. Look at the world news and they are all OVER Obama for the next President. Shocking) for a Black President. Even though you have alienated a lot of Republicans, it doesn’t matter because they aren’t going to vote for a darkie. You HAVE THIS. Lets also not forget that Huckabee is a fucking moron who makes George Bush look like MacGyver. There is only one thing you need to do. DO NOT FLIP OUT! We do not need a Howard Dean moment from you because if you do that you will LOSE.

BYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Got you all in check! Save the flip outs for when you are in office and you want to bomb the fuck out of Burkina Faso for looking at you funny or invading Ivory Coast because Lever 2000 is THE SHIT. You have the military experience (Which I PERSONALLY believe isn’t necessary because this isn’t medieval England where the king went into battle first. The Commander in Chief is as much a commander as I am Duke of New York A Number One) and aint gonna take shit from nobody. You have this won, even if I am not convinced yet.

At the end of the day, voting isn’t a responsibility or even really a right. It is a privilege and I believe we as Americans should research the candidates and understand that privilege. At the same time, it is a privilege to RUN for President. Candidates need to do their due diligence and respect that they need to let us know where they stand completely and how they intend to usher in their initiatives (Only McCain has done that so far). That is all we can ask for.

And White people:

STOP ASKING JESSE JACKSON ABOUT SHIT!

If you stop asking he will go away! He is not the Fuhrer of Black America so quit treating him like he is! GOD DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO MUCH! I am just waiting for a report about Obama talking about “yellow rice” and alienating the Asian vote. Or better yet, McCain saying that but in his defense I would be pretty pissy at Vietnamese people if I was locked in a room for half a decade with no Bleach. Just saying. And I am so off to bed.

*Sigh* People suck. :(

IT'S ON, FOOLS!!

IT IS FINALLY UP! GET YOUR VOTE ON!

DOUCHEBRAWL BEGINS NOW!!!!!

For Once, I Didn't Want To Be Right.

So…it looks like I was right.

So after five years of saying it, a woman finally validates it in print. USA! USA! USA! I don’t want to be right about this but if I know about anything, it’s about jerks because women can be them to. If I love anything….it’s the merry go round of a bad woman:

Sing it Keith! 1990 all up in this bitch!

I digress. Women like jerks for two reasons:

1. The initial attention. I mean, if Ike caught Tina with an uppercut to the gut in that first scene of “What’s Love Got To Do With It” I am sure their first date would have been a LITTLE bit different. Jerks will lie and do anything to build up your confidence in hopes of getting your guard down and WHAM! Spike to the skull called a mentally abusive relationship. I have seen it and had it done to me. I tell you, it sucks ass. Yes, there are women jerks too.
2. The seeking of validation. This is also called the “daddy issue” which is another rant altogether but I will touch on here. Nolan and I had this discussion yesterday (working retail, you gotta love it) about how prostitutes have been scientifically shown to be able to have sex with multiple partners because they feel they have an emotional attachment to all their “johns.” So in essence (follow me here because this is where it gets rather deep) when a woman has multiple partners or dates multiple jerks (Yet isn’t a “whore” because they only fuck INDIRECTLY for money) they develop an emotional attachment to said person via sex rather than…actually getting to know the person. I mean that shit is difficult to do, actually TALKING TO PEOPLE AND FINDING OUT THE KIND OF PERSON THEY ARE. While sober, I mean. Men (all three of you that read this) do you ever talk to a woman that you may meet in a club or bar (Bad move already!) and wonder how she can breathe and walk at the same time? You listen to them talk and their social knowledge doesn’t rise above reality TV and Gilmore Girls (Or if they are over 30, Desperate Housewives or Sex In The City)? Congratulations, you have met the woman that woman.

I had this argument in my Women’s Studies classes all the time and everyone would get upset until I proved that they were one of those women. And then we would never speak again. There is a large segment of women out there (I have to go with 35%-40%) that believe that sex equals love. That validates how escorts can do what they do. It also validates women that give it up a lot to no avail. Just because you have sex with a man doesn’t me he loves you. Transition time!

Now on the OTHER hand, now it is time for the men. Men are idiots for the most part and women are REALLY STUPID by giving them way too much credit. Think about it, if men had an emotional attachment to sex as much as women, how could so many of them pay for it and go back to their wives at the end of the night? Men are emotionally inept for the most part which is why jerks are so appealing because like bros they are the norm. A man completely vapid and devoid of any social or emotional charm (But is able to recite rap lyrics or a Jack Johnson song) is a lot easier to attain because he isn’t going to ask you a lot of questions about you because most ladies looking to find a man in a club are EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP ANYWAY. Men know that and that is why they go and invest in buying you drinks. You think he is interested in YOU while he is interested in what being INSIDE OF YOU. Yes, you heard me. I am giving NEITHER SEX credit because both of us are fucking stupid and dont understand each other and that is why we don’t get along.

In the end, the “spell of the jerk” is just them telling you what you want to hear for long enough to get in your pants. At that point, YOU want to start a relationship while HE gets too deep in the game and doesn’t want to seem like a dick completely to your friends. Not because cares, but because he may (OR HAS) want to fuck your hotter, even more emotionally broken friend. So then either he cheats on you and you leave (Or in most cases stay which once again…another rant altogether. Yeah, I’ve been there) or he leaves because he “needs his space” which means he wants to fill another woman space if you know what I mean. And I think you do: coitus. Then you whine to your friends (Or to me which gets annoying because usually I have told you what to do about twelve times before and you didn’t FUCKING DO IT or you are interrupting precious Devil may Cry 4 time) about how “You couldn’t believe you stayed so long!” and “I can’t believe he did this to me! I gave him everything!” when at the end of the day you knew what you were getting into from the start. You can say you didn’t know (Trust me, I know the symptoms because I had them) but at the end of the day, the majority of men are not hard to read. If they are, they are usually single because men that are hard to read means that a woman actually has to work at a conversation or an interaction and why strike up a good conversation when you could just give up the yak because juicy gets the jerks crazy:

To wrap it up in a nutshell, women want jerks because jerks are emotionally inept which means they don’t have to work to build a relationship until AFTER they are together. That is slamming down the outside of a house and then building a frame from the inside. It could work but more often than not, the house ends up falling on top of you and the damage to your head is so severe that you can never build a house correctly again. This breeds insane behavior because at THAT point you try to start relationships the same way with the same type of guys and then it NEVER works because you expect this time to be different and it never is. *Sigh* I am really telling all of this to myself. DRU HILL, HELP ME SING IT!

Everything I say to you I mean about me! – Master Shake

Tis’ all in good fun.

Diddy Out.

Well, At Least The Trains Run On Time.

Okay, I have had e-fucking-nough. It is time for me to lay down the fucking law to you fuckers. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE STUPID PEOPLE IN THIS FUCKING CITY. Not just this city, the entire country but I have to handle one issue at a time. The idiots, bros, whores and fucktards have ran this city long enough and now they need to be told what is wrong and shot in the fucking balls so they can’t reproduce. I am FINISHED PLAYING. Niggas get slapped for breathing from this day forward.

Law #1: Being Sexually Vindicated Is NOT Being A Whore.

It seems that women have this confused. I used to sit back and think that this was just bitterness from not getting any (which partially it is, I admit) but there is a thin line between vindication and exploitation. Having multiple sexual partners is okay (I figure) if you are doing it for pleasure. But lates face it: anything in access is an addiction. If you do anything you can to quench that addiction, you are a FUCKING WHORE! Whether it is smoking, eating, drugs or fucking random people. So with that being said to have sex for the sheer enjoyment makes you a junkie. They aren’t called “narcotically vindicated” when they smoke crack because they want to. They are called CRACK WHORES! Now lets gear this back to simpler terms: when you pull the emotional aspect out of sex and just do it because “it feels good” or “I am getting what I want” what makes you any better than a person addicted to meth? Nothing because both end up being headcases. Name one whore that doesn’t have daddy issues or mommy issues that resulted in something from their daddy. The answer is none. So congratulations, people. If you fuck for fun you are nothing more than a crack whore: dead inside and sucking dick for Coke. Or in a woman’s case, a rum and coke. BURN!

Law #2: If You Go To A MARTINI BAR, You Drink A MOTHER FUCKING MARTINI!

I don’t know why, but this really pisses me the fuck off. I think it is the indigence that people in the Springs have when they walk into a martini bar (and not even a really GOOD one) and don’t see skanky 22 year olds (or skankier 42 year olds) shaking it to some Akon song. Let me explain something to you brain-dead, Jack Johnson loving, keg standing retards: there are places where you don’t fucking belong. If you can’t handle vermouth in your vodka or some brandy then a martini bar isn’t for you. Get….the fuck….OUT. Don’t complain, you knew what it was because MARTINI IS IN THE FUCKING NAME! Oh, and don’t order a fucking beer. That is what bars are for: rednecks and skanks. Be merry and get your piss flavored Coors at the Dublin House or something. Then bro out later on, I don’t care but don’t come into a place in a huff and fuck up my good time because you can’t hold a martini glass when you are drunk off Bud Light and the Captain. I hope you die of alcohol poisoning you inbred fuck.

Law #3: Cover It Up!

Now this is one that really….really needs to stop. Like last year. Women something needs to be explained to you. Your body is a temple. If it is as BIG as a fucking temple….I don’t want to see it. Now as a big dude this hurts me to say because I try to stick up for my big-boned people. I cannot stand up for you if you have your gut hanging out of your jeans like a kid that shoved too much ice cream on a fucking ice cream cone. I understand that every woman believes they are beautiful in their own way. Now I am sure you are beautiful on the inside (I know, I’ve been inside. Their houses so I can go through their belongings and find out where they work) but that does not give you a reason to wear shit you shouldn’t. As a big man, I try to dress as well as I can within budgetary reasons and I for the most part keep my ample body covered THE FUCK UP JUST FINE! Why can’t women cover up the same when they know damn well people don’t need to see all that? Now I know everyone one loves curves, but if you are round you need to lock it down. Some women out tonight looked like Charles Barkley in fucking skirts and heels! Which brings me to my next point: just because you are hot doesn’t mean you don’t have to abide by those rules. Now I have forever lived by the statement that “when you are hot, anything goes” but the hot took way too much advantage of that so like niggas and guns this shit has to be curbed right now. Now, let’s use some logic here.

· When niggas get spinning rims, they want people to look at their wheels.
· When rednecks get huge ass tires, they want you to look at the height of their truck
· When Mexicans get hydros, they want you to watch their car bounce
· When women wear tight clothes, they want people to look at what they have on and aren’t covering

IT IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. Even if it ISNT what you want, it is what is going to happen because dressing like you are trying out for the new She-Ra movie isn’t the damn norm. When things aren’t the norm that gather attention. If you don’t want attention, don’t dress like that. I see nowhere in the constitution about “Freedom To Dress Like A Stripper But Not Be Considered One” as one of the uninaliable rights we have. There is no reason to dress like that because if it aint for attention is sure as hell aint for comfort because all you do is bitch about how your feet hurt and your skirt rides up. Guess what? You are doing it for attention so quit lying and quit bitching. You can’t choose the attention you get so you can either fight social norms (Good luck with that shit. I have been fighting the Black thing for years) or put on some fucking clothes. It’s winter time and flu season so you do the math, bitch. Shut the FUCK UP or accept the stares.

Law #4: White People Are Fucktards, Black People Are Dipshits. Deal With It.

Now I am against Jim Crow and all of that bullshit. But the time comes when you just have to accept that people are just…different. Jews and Muslims don’t go to the same clubs and dance the Achy Breaky. So why are Blacks and Whites forced to go to the same club?! Separate but equal! Maybe it’s because niggas can’t calm down for two fucking seconds to not shoot up EVERY CLUB that plays hip hop because someone disagreed with your stance on the geopolitical situation in Darfur. I’m kidding; niggas don’t read the newspaper. Yet, clubs downtown do their best to make sure that Blacks don’t come into their clubs. From changing the dress code to changing the music to shitty techno (WHO THE FUCK LISTENS TO THAT SHIT?! It works at raves because we were too fucking high to care!), clubs take small measures to keep out the unsavory sector. Yet, that is the complete OPPOSITE of what they should be doing! There is one thing that niggas have that white people don’t it is disposable income. You’ve seen the videos, they make it rain on hoes!Why? Because niggas don’t pay bills. This of it like this: Clubs always have “Ladies Night” which means that women drink and get in free. Men not only have to pay but usually pay more than the usual night. That is a bad move because if there is one thing niggas love to do, it is buy dranks. Bitches love that shit, just like smileys. Losing money right there.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the dress code. The whole big ass t-shirt and Timbs look went out in 1993 but I guess that shit is back like cooked crack because that’s all Black dudes wear. At the same time, how come bros can dress like they just woke the fuck up? I mean if I had to gauge the two, at least niggas put work into looking like fashion misfits. BROS DON’T EVEN FUCKING TRY. Yet they are considered fashionable. I guess that makes sense from a country that made Fergie a two time Grammy Award winner. That alone disgusts me because that bitch has two Grammys which is more than Run-DMC if I am not mistaken. The simple fact is that all people suck and to eliminate the stupid would require a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of bullets.

Well, I am just about fed up with this shit. Eh, guess it is what it is until you just wish Flanders was dead. Yet I am they crazy one because I don’t think insanity (in terms of logic, not crazy but if the show fits) should be the norm. The Tick says it best:

"And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit."

Sad. The most logical thing ever said was coined by an animated, invincible blue superhero named after a bug with eight legs when he obviously had two. Oh, and he may have been functionally retarded. That would make him good enough to President here. I am so going to fucking bed now; ye all abandon hope as the ship head toward a briny deep. Shit, I wonder how many people will even understand the nautical/pirate reference. Morons.

Diddy Out.

Saturday Morning Madness!!!

What is up, people! First order of business: I am going to try to get the Douchebrawl polls set up tomorrow. It is over a month late and I need to get on it. The kick off will be next Sunday but I will try to get all the code done tomorrow. I apologize for the lateness but I will get it fixed.

Secondly, time for what makes this blog what it is: randomness. If you have been reading this you know of my love-hate relationship with Naruto. I loved the first episodes that I got on MiRC and then all of a sudden after Sasuke left it started to suck and I didn’t know why. After it was explained to me that the last….120+ episodes were FUCKING FILLER AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT I said “fuck this” and took up Zach’s offer to copy his Bleach folder and the rest is history (I fought that for months until he just said to stop masturbating and watch it. That line is also how I got him to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I guess it's why we boys). So I guess I have to thank the sucking of Naruto for making me give Bleach a second chance because I thought it was boring for the first three episodes. Too bad I invested like 40 episodes into that shitball before I realized Bleach ruled its face.

However, I have taken up to reading the manga of Naruto after the “Naruto v. Orochimaru” arc on the show and all I can say is that Naruto may just be the most bad-ass thing I ever read . Seriously, I am just as shocked as you are! I was totally expecting the manga to suck like it had the show had last year or so (I was not feeling the Naruto vs. Orochimaru fight anyway) but I was dead wrong. This shit gets GOOD! I mean real good! I am reading Bleach and Naruto at the same time now and I am almost caught up on Naruto (I am about 11 volumes behind, about 379 I believe) and I have a few spoilers that I am not going to say but I will let you know a few things:

· Sasuke = Sephiroth. Yes, I said it and I am shocked. Just know that he goes from emo-bitch boy crying about how much his life is pain and suffering to one evil motherfucker. I mean a Puppy punting, kitten eating, midget raping asshole in the vein of Bowser and Dark Force. From…the Phantasy Star series. Yes…I am a nerd. Sue me.
· Naruto is no longer a punk bitch, either: Okay, most of this has to do with his American voice actor. The Japanese voice actor is AWESOME and the fight between Sasuke and Naruto was enhanced by their work. However, in the manga Naruto is not the whiney tennage her was in the original. He is a tad too emo for my tastes but better to be emo than a fucking pussy. Yes, I know they are pretty much the same thing. Oh, I went there.
· Brother vs. Brother! Yes, Sasuke and Itachi FINALLY get it on Bret Hart v. Owen Hart in a steel cage style! Not going to ruin it but if you are a fan the fight it’s worth the wait. If you aren’t you want to do some research because it is heavily backstory laden. Even still, it’s awesome!
· FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Now I for one HATED the giant toad bullshit. I don’t get the whole “ninjas and toads” thing. If someone does, please let me know. But the battles in the manga make up for the crapitude that was the filler and the dumb stuff of the first arcs. People lose limbs, vital organs and even torsos! Which I guess falls in the vital organs portion.
· Orochimaru gets it: VGCats had it right: the dude is a fucking pedophile.

Now don’t get it twisted, I am all about the Hueco Mundo Arc in Bleach. If you are looking now, here comes a spoiler but I THINK Zaraki is about to achieve bankai and that noise you heard last night was my hardest & loudest orgasam since I powered up Final Fantasy VII for the first time. With that being said, Naruto is creeping up and making up for a whole shitload of shitty shit shit by rocking the box. So, I apologize for the mean things I said about the manga. The dubbing still sucks ass though.

Okay, now for a tad bit of an offensive observation. Why are about ½ of the Japanese restaurants here owned by Koreans? Does Japan know about this? Emperor Hirohito is turning in his grave! What is even weirder is that they act like we don’t know what’s going on! I went to my “How To Differentiate Between Asians” classes! Bi looks nothing like Gackt!

Although both are hella hot. Ai Otsuka and Bae Seul Gi look COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

Again, I want to be the roast beef in that potato bread sandwich. Most importantly you racist bastards, SAKE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE SOJU!!!

Both taste the exact same: like delicious, delicious pain. Not complaining, just an observation and I found it weird. It’s like white people running all the Popeye’s. ZING! Also, why is there never any music playing in any kind of Asian restaurant. I understand you want to accommodate the customer but if I go to get me some bulgogi I don’t want to listen to Rick Astley. I just don’t. I want to hear some Minwoo:

Like Bi V.2 I swear. I go to a restaurant that serves food from another country I don’t need to feel like I am still in America. I don’t want to hear Beyonce while I drink sake. Give me so “Yatta!” or something! Maybe I am just nitpicking but still.

Oh, and for people that cannot handle sake: you are not a real drinker. That is all. You are a punk, a coward and you are no better than a drunk Irishman. Or an Irishman. They are one in the same. That is all for now, I may be back tomorrow but until next time, stay up.

Diddy Out

Hip Hop Aint Dead! It Just Needs Some Electroshock...

No time to waste as I am sleepy!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We start with the longest staying video in Countdown history!

20. NaNa – Movin’ On (Last Week #12, Six Weeks at #1)
The (disputed) Queen of the Countdown holds on for one more week! The ride is pretty much over, but after almost six months who is complaining or holding it against her?
19. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (New Entry)

This was a video that almost made it on a few weeks ago but it was hell trying to find the video for it. Now I have and it is brilliant in its simplicity. I love this song STILL even though it’s rather old. James Morrison will be the next John Mayer as the “white dude with soul.” Bet on it.
18. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (New Entry)

Well, I knew as soon as I saw this video it was going to be on here and so did you. I love Foxxi MisQ and so should you. It has been almost 8 months since “Gloss” and they have been missed. Most importantly…DEM GREW HER HAIR OUT!!! HAWT!
17. Abingdon Boys School – Blade Chord (Last Week #15)
NEW TM REVOLUTION COMING SOON!
16. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #19)
Miss Badu moves up three big spots this week. Can she lay claim to the Queen of the Countdown throne?
15. May J. – Do Tha, Do Tha (Last Week #14, One Week at #1)
May J falls a spot this week as there is nothing new from what I can see so far.
14. Snoop Dogg – Sexual Seduction (Last Week #12)
New video by Snoop! Havent seen it yet, but I am a fan of the song itself, which is a rarity for his Dogg-ness.
13. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #16)
Hearts Grow once again is moving up the Countdown. Where is an album from them? Three singles over a calendar year and nothing? Who do they think they are, Namie Amuro?!
12. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)
Alicia out of the Top 10 doesn’t feel right.
11. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #12)

This week Yui only moves up one spot as she looks for her fifth Top Ten video!
10. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #11)
For the third time in a row, Mihimaru GT hits the top half!
9. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #6)
Sowelu falls three big spots this week. New video though, so not all that bad.
8. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #9)

Mmm….Anahi.
7. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #4, Two Weeks at #1)
For the first time since November, we don’t have a NaNa video in the Top Five! That is quite a run for this young lady.
6. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #7)
UVERworld is making its way up this week, hopping up one more spot. Seems to be slowing a bit though….
5. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #8)
Bennie K is back in the Top 5 after three weeks! I just got the single last night and it was everything I ever dreamed of! And Yuki…I missed you, baby.
4. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #2)
After two weeks in the runner up spot, HAMC could not take the throne! Still love this video, though.
3. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #5)

We have a familiar battle going on right now! Nelly Furtado moves up to the number three spot, giving her FIVE videos to make it this high! However, just ahead of her is…
2. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #3)

….Mr. Legend who is looking for his fourth number one video! However, he is held back by what may be the supergroup of 2008!
1. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)

For the third week in a row, CRS takes the top spot on the Countdown! They have the longest running number one video of this short 2008 and they look to make it even more! Congrats, guys!

That is all for this Friday! Tune in next week to see if CRS can make it a full month on top! Or will John Legend get his record breaking fourth number one? Or can Nelly Furtado take the top spot for the second time? It’s an all star battle as Bennie K and UVERworld are just behind! It is going to be a rockin spring for music videos!

Well, I think I am going out for sake and sushi tonight and after that I am not sure. But until then, stay up.

Diddy Out.