Whoo Whoo! Pain Bus Coming! Whoo Whoo!

What is up, peeps! It is another Wednesday and of course I feel like total shit. I swear, over the last eight months or so I have gone from blinding rage to sniveling pussy boy. I have said since college that as much as I hate emo, the only thing keeping me from going that way is the bad fashion sense. If I am going to brood, I want to look FAB-YOU-LOUS doing it. You know, sometimes I like to take this knife and just cut myself and see how deep I can go before I just…pass out, man. Oh, don’t act so shocked. You knew I was fucking crazy.

So a lot of people have been reading my blog lately (On the Blogger side, anyway. People drop me from MySpace all the time…and you know who you fucking are) and shockingly enough, people have been asking me questions. Seeing as how my friends go (and pretty much in order)

1. Griff (My dog for life. RIDE OR DIE, NUKKA! Like a Black Buddha, minus the halcyon days. Griff is an angry ass dude. And it has NOTHING to do with him being a Muslim, you racist bastards! It’s because he’s Black)
2a. Zach (Would be number one…but he hits me)
2b. Rick (I don’t see him often enough for him to be number one but a man that will let you sleep on his couch when you are about to yuke….that’s true friendship)
2c. Nolan (Because of all four, we would make the best buddy cop movie. A Morman and a Black man fighting crime? Smell the ratings!)
3. Nicole (Because at the end of the day….you are still a woman. And women are the fucking devil)
4. Amberly (See above. More on this later)
5. Ted (Because he has helped me hide many a hookers dead body over the last 8 years)

After that I have pretty much no one to talk to so I talk to myself, Christopher Williams style:

So the fact that people that I don’t really know are interested in why I am such an emotional wreck is touching. Almost makes me happy to be alive. ALMOST. So in keeping up with the theme of this blog, it always has and will be about the peeps. So to show you all that I care….okay I cant keep a straight face. To show you all that I am LISTENING but don’t care I have a special edition of a little something that I call the bus. So grab your bags, get your PBJ and orange slices and keep your hands inside the windows because we are going on a field trip, bitches! I give to you….

The Passion of Chachi Omnibus: The People’s Champ Edition!

Man….that dude was FUCKING AWESOME. So lets get this bus a rollin!

Question #1: Why Do You Think People Suck, Guy?

It has been told to my by several (Read: TWO and I only have five or so people that visit) readers that I have become increasingly dark and more pissed off than usual. Well, I would have to agree with that because my life has become increasingly full of crushing defeats and it is my own fault. I put way too much stock in people and their ability to not be fucktards which in the end gets to be a lesson in ME being a fucktard for thinking people are worth more than the air they breathe. Which they aren’t. So from this point on, I am running under a new frame of mind. Getting upset is rather counter-productive to what I naturally believe in so I am going to change that. How you ask?

UTTER AND COMPLETE APATHY.

Nolan had a pretty good idea about the people suck theory. Seeing as how I would LIKE a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex but that shit aint gonna happen because I am kind of a spaz, it seems like a pretty good recourse. When it all breaks down, the less emotional stock I put into caring about people and what they think, the less I have to worry about being shocked when people disappoint me or piss me off. Rather than get upset or bitch to Griff and listen to Yuna Ito songs all night while I watch Korean dramas (I likes me a good cry, okay?!) and eat Pocky to the point I am too depressed to even masturbate (Which means I am REALLY DEPRESSED) I am just going to say “eh.” No more emotion, no more caring, no more being jaded. Although….this is the ULTIMATE in being jaded but let me have this. I am having a breakthrough here, no matter how fucked up it is.

The way I look at it, with the way my life has been going on the emotional front it is a hell of a lot easier to stop caring than to get mad. Logically, being apathetic about relationships with people means that I may miss out on some earth-shattering highs and possible some wonderful moments. But seeing as how my life has been a series of “HOW IN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!” moments that end in days (read: months) of confusion and melancholy MP3 mixes with the eventual breakthrough and having the “I’m Beautiful, Dammit!” moments only to get stabbed in the chest like Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays (It has been long enough. Take a fucking joke), apathy doesn’t seem like a bad idea. To me it seems like a fair tradeoff to avoid the pride-destroying lows even though I sacrifice the one or two moments of uninhibited elation that comes to me a year. Yeah….I am kind of a mess. Everyone back on the bus! Let me make a stop before I plow this bad boy into a river…

Question #2: Seriously….Are You Gay? C’mon, It’s Cool If You Are!

You know what? I have been asked this question twice this year (You will remain nameless, you dumb bitches) and I decided a long time ago that this didn’t bug me but the fact that this has come up AGAIN means people obviously didn’t listen the first fucking time. Even better to revisit because my stance has changed about the subject, too. My answer will be and will always be that I am not sexually attracted to men. Or animals so don’t even think about getting smart…except collies. Lassie was damn hot. Yes, collies are the new Asians when it comes to fetishes. Anyway, I am making no allegiances to women because one has never really made one to me. I mean as of right now, I am leaving my options open to anything that isn’t something I would eat in a pinch sans dudes. And you know what? The only reason that dudes are off this list isn’t because it is immoral (Which it isn’t) but because I don’t want to have sex. Especially gay sex. I mean, I am not a cock tease here and I don’t want to give off the wrong vibe because I aint down for the reach around on either end. For the most part it is easier to be long term friends with a man because there is no real emotional attachment there. Rick has bought me drinks; I don’t see a need to offer him a handjob. It’s because we boys. For some reason when I buy drinks for a woman they believe that I want to fuck them and that is just the ultimate in ego right there. Seriously, get over yourself. You may not read this but you know who you are.

Secondly, I know that I can say what I need to say to any MALE friend that might piss them off because in the end it is either for humor or because they need to hear it. You know how many times my male friends have railed into me for old women?! A FUCKING LOT! Now tell a female friend (Or even better your GIRLFRIEND) that she is being petty about something or ask her to take a look at something in a different way. You may as well try to fuck a lion because both are painful and about if pointless. Being friends with men may be hard because what I like (musicals, disco, dancing, disco dancing, musicals about disco dancing) is almost inherently female sans football but it is a lot easier than being friends with women because you pretty much become Dr. Phil and they don’t listen and after a while I stop caring. Case in point, this was a dialog after telling a female friend about how she was wrong about something last Thursday (I believe):

Friend: I can’t believe you said something so mean! I thought we were friends….
Me: We are. Unless or friendship is solely based on me telling you what you want to hear all the time. I don’t see how that is beneficial especially in a situation like this.
Friend: Are you going to help me and give me advice or are you going to insult me?
Me: ….I am going to give the advice of what you SHOULD do, you will do what you WANT to do and then you will get upset. It’s clockwork. I can set my damn watch to it. So let’s just say this conversation happened and you do what you need to do while I drive because it’s snowing.
Friend: You’re a fucking dick.
Me: Nolan would laugh.
Friend: What’s a Nolan?

I will stop there. This is how a conversation with a male friend would go:

Friend: Stop being a candyass.
Me: Fine, fucky.
Friend: Fuck you too, fucky.
Me: We getting drinks? (Replace with Mario Kart or Devil May Cry for my non-drinkers)
Friend: Hells yeah, bitch.

See how easy that is?! Now imagine dating that woman from above. I have and it was not pretty at all. In the end, I could (and would) never date a man because that is not my thing. Since there is no viable third option (C’mon, Japan! Gimmie a Persocon!) I guess loneliness is my calling card. I’m a Manosexual. Two hands on the wheel!

Question #3: Hey, Man! You Have Been Easy On Religion! WTF!

Okay, I will admit to that and take ownership. I have laid off religion a great deal over the last few months. Mainly because religion is fucking lame and I am tired are arguing with people about shit that didn’t happen. You believe a hippie Jew walked on water? Knock yourself out. I no longer give a fuck about you or your long haired leader. To argue about religion is to argue about belief and I no longer have the time or the passion to do so. You believe in the word, I believe its all bullshit. It is a code to live your life by, not shit that really happened. But if you believe, go ahead with your bad self. Answer this: if life begins at conception, why don’t we celebrate birthdays from that date rather than when they fire out of a vagina like a snap in a shotgun formation? Because you would have to rely on science to find out when it was conceived and then science wins and once again religion loses. There is your sign: religion can still eat a dick but it can do it on its own time. I have video games and bros to rant about. With that being said, the bus is back on the road!

Question #4: What Is With All The Politics On The Blog Lately? WTF!

First off, people really say that and I despise internet speak. So fucking stop it. Second of all, I have always been political, even since high school. Living overseas I honestly believe gives you a new insight about America. Now I left Italy in 1992 but up until then I had spent more time overseas than I had stateside. I began to look at America from another perspective and I realized that…the status quo kind of sucks. Have you noticed that we are two primaries away from having Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton? I really sat back and thought about it and….I don’t want that. That is the chance for 24 years of two types of politics: fucked up and REALLY fucked up. I will leave it up to you which one is which. I don’t know about you, but I believe that it is time for a change. I am really sick of the way this country has been run and how we have either looked like pussies or bullies. I am sick of the two party system with both candidates saying the same thing except for the standard party line bullshit (abortion, the war, immigration, etc). I am sick of Jesus being held over my government. In the famous words of the late Owen Hart…

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT IS TIME FOR A CHANGE!!

This is the first time that I can remember that there have been two viable candidates running for President. Oh, and Hillary. I believe that if it becomes an Obama/McCain election for President, we could see a major change in the way not only this country is run but how the world views us. McCain is like Ronald Reagan minus the asshatery of trying to eliminate Black people. Yes, we sold drugs to each other but it got there some how. The shit didn’t grow on trees. McCain is a President NO ONE wants to fuck with because he will say he will kick your ass and then he will do it, thug style like only McInsane can do it. However, no one will ever….and I mean EVER want to be our ally again. He may not be a war monger but he wont repair ties with other countries and to some that may be fine but to me that is scary. Unless he forces them and even then that’s not how I prefer we do business.

Then you have Obama. No experience whatsoever. I played SimCity, I could be President! I believe that he could be a JFK. Hell, I believe that if he gets voted in that he will have a Bay of Pigs type of situation. I believe that he will be able to fix our relationships with our former allies and give America a fresh face of non-Imperialistic douchery. He could help rebuild NATO and even bring other countries into the fold and create a global force against asshatery and even terrorism. Hell, he may even give the UN an Army. About damn time, too. You know what else, he better rebuild NATO because with no military clout (Unless he gets a kick ass cabinet, unlike Bush) he will get fucked with EVERYDAY. If you win, get ready because you will be tested.

At the end of the day, the reason I am talking about politics is because for the first time in my history I am excited about it. There is a chance that no matter who is voted into office that the United States has a chance to change for the better. Neither is a fucktard (Clinton & Clinton) and neither is an asshat (Bush and Bush) and despite their faults, and they each have several, they are both going to do well in changing the course of America for the better. That is why this blog has politics now. VOTE OR DIE! But first, the last stop for the Omnibus!

Question #5: I Thought You Were Going To Do A State Of The Black Union?!

Ah, the great oxymoron: Black Union. Well, I will put it to you in one simple compound word:

CROSSROADS

Black people, understand that Obama is half-White so no matter what we have a white President. People seem to forget that. With that being said, we are seeing the De-Niggerfucation of Blacks in America at a surprising rate. It’s weird, I never thought we would see the day. The first people to revolt against the “Crank Dat” phenomenon? Black people. The first people to actually boycott BET? Black people. The first people to defend Don Imus? Black people. I really believe that a lot of us (And there aint that many of us now with the Hispanic population blowing up like a chili enema) realize that it is time to say “we need to fix this” because no one is going to do it for us. However, there is still a die-hard group of people that just REFUSE to let being ignorant go. They need to be dealt with quickly because they are the only ones the media listen to. Initially the thought was if we ignore them that hopefully everyone else would. No such luck as Jesse Jackson has gotten just as much screen time as Obama and CNN even asked him a question about Farrakhan last night. Why is that even pertinent to him running for the Democratic nomination?! Because he is Black. The fact is that getting respect is not going to be easy. We have made it half-way up the mountain to re-respectability in a very short time after the Kobe Incident and all we need is a little more effort. Problem is…niggas are lazy. They are like albacores around our necks. Facetious, people.

Long story short, the Black Union is at a point where either we are going to move into a brighter light and shine….or Crank Dat Batman. It’s up to ya’ll, I personally aint in the mood to crank nothing. And the bus has stopped for now!

That was LOOOOOOOONG! Well, I am sure the peeps need a rest so I am out. I will try to be back up tomorrow before the Countdown. Also, don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl!

Diddy Out