Yes...another repeat. I am sorry! New blog Sunday, had a really vexxing week. Yeah, I think that describes it. I'll be back with something new soon!
What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.
Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:
As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….
Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing
Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:
Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:
That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.
Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.
Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:
How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.
(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)
You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.
Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!
Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.
Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.
Reason #3: Music Sucks
Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:
Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.
With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:
And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!
Look it up, bitches.
Chachi Out
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Even Better The Second Time Around!
Alright people! It has been a while since I have done an Omnibus based off of the people. Mostly because…I hate the people. Today, I will give the people what they ask for…nay…what they DEMAND of the Passion of Chachi: half-assed answers to your dumb fucking questions. Yeah, you know you love it! So sit back and get ready for…
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's Raining Blogs!
What is up, peeps?! I am back again and I am beginning to think that it is going to take a minute to get back in the groove of blogging everyday. Back when I was unemployed (And working at Qwest, which was pretty much unemployment with all the drama in a nice, Downtown Denver setting) I was blogging every day and I must say while it made for good entertainment and an excellent release…I was a fricking train wreck. But at least it was an epic train wreck.
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
Monday, July 26, 2010
If Being Apart Makes The Heart Grow Fonder, You People Must Want To Love Me Down...
Alright, people. It has been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. Without a dope blog to step to! THE CHACHI IS BACK! DOIN THE FRANKLIN IN THE 2010, SUCKAS! If you don’t know what the Franklin is, tune in because I will get into it more on later posts. I have been gone for about three months and man...whoa.
Anyway, how have you all been? Good? That’s nice to hear. I have been neglecting you all and I want to apologize. Except for little Billy in Roanoke. Fuck you, Billy I don’t give a shit if you do have cancer of the head. FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! To the rest of you, it’s time to bring back what you have all missed over the last four months or so…THE PAIN!
WU-TANG! Good to be back, peeps. Now that pleasantries are out of the fucking way, it is time to get back to business. It has been a while since I have ranted and since I began following the teachings of the one I call Dr. Deuce. Now he doesn’t have one of those fancy smancy DOCTORATE or those “books” that people read but he has a Bachelors in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies so he has been bestowed the title of doctor by a much higher authority. Now at first he seemed a bit crazy, mostly because he is but he told me to start meditating but drink more and now my anger and loathing has turned into apathy and wanton disregard for the feelings and wants of others. It is a great place to be…but you don’t get invited to many parties.
So I am officially writing TWO books. One is a collection of my blogs (“The Life and Times of Chachi: Blogs at the Speed of Rage” which I am on Chapter 8!) and the second is going to be called “Being The Best You That You Can Be” by Dr. Deuce McGillicuty. Yeah, the title is a work in progress. Here is a quick snippit! For the peeps, I spoil!
Rule #3: Putting Yourself First Isn’t Bad If It Is Used For Your Own Good
Now people always say that you have to look out for the emotional well being of others when you do what you do. Now the Deuce is all for making sure that everyone else is happy and has their moments but really…is it worth it at the expense of you? If you spend time helping others and making sure they are happy you will usually do it at the expense of your own self. Now you can sit back and say “NO DR. DEUCE YOU’RE WRONG!” and to that I will say…fuck you this is my book. Secondly I will ask you to perform a little exercise on yourself:
How Often Do You Feel Unappreciated By People You Consider Friends?
A. Never! My friends are down like Circuit City stocks in the late 2000’s!
B. Almost never. I have a few associates I ponder why I hang with but for the most part I have a stable and too live crew.
C. Sometimes. I feel like half my time is spent helping friends and the other half is spent bitching to other friends HOW MUCH I HELP MY OTHER FRIENDS!
D. Almost always. I have one person I trust and they are less a friend, more of a shrink to tell about the bullshit that happens from my other “friends”
E. I AM A DOORMAT!
Now if you are a D or an E you are definitely doing it fucking wrong. Your best friend HAS TO BE YOURSELF. If you can’t trust yourself to do what is best for you how can you fucking trust anyone to give a shit about what is best for you? Just like Foxy Brown stated in “Big Bad Mama” aint nobody gonna love you like you and if you don’t love yourself others won’t love you. The most important person in your life should be you. Yes, that includes if you have children. Those little bastards would kill you for a kidney for sustenance if the proper moment arose and don’t think they wouldn’t. Remember, behind the glowing eyes of a child’s smile is an evil that cannot be imagined.
Now back to my original point. The Doctor knows that it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself ABOUT yourself and what is wrong with you and taking to task how to fix it. We as people don’t like to fix things ourselves, it is why we outsource shit and use illegal labor to build our garages and handle our technical support. Doing things ourselves and fixing problems is trying and in some cases devastating to accept. However, it is like not taking care of a small anthill in a garden. You let it go because it’s small and isn’t really causing major problems but then more ants are born and the hill gets bigger and bigger until you have super ants with ray guns and crazy six-legged martial arts skills ransacking your rutabagas.
Now giant sized ant problems aside, I am sure you are asking what you can do to make sure that you make yourself happy first so you can make others happy. Well, the Doctor is glad you asked:
1. Love Yourself First: No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.
2. Find Those That Love Themselves: If you associate with those that hate themselves as much as you do, you have something in common but it doesn’t mean it is A GOOD THING.
3. Block And Tackle: The friends you should have, like Katt Williams once said, should block a lot of the drama and help you tackle your problems. If your friends are an obstacle to your happiness or block you from goals, drop them zeros and get with some heroes.
4. Talk To Yourself: Not just when there is no one to talk to. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS, FOOL!
Hells yeah, kicking it old school! In all seriousness, you should take at least ten minutes a day to just talk to yourself. Have a chat with the most important person in your life, the one that can make the most changes to benefit you…and that is you. If you aren’t talking with yourself to see what is working and what isn’t then you are just going to keep on doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you. And that’s just ignant.
Remember, Dr. Deuce’s advice is professional advice from a REAL DOCTOR. At least that’s what his degrees on the wall said. College University State is a real school, right? Anyway, I will post more from Dr. Deuce as I have more sessions. Until then, let me just say that it is good to be back. I missed the peeps and I appreciate the fans and all the emails you guys sent. It shows that someone was listening and gave me a reason to actually DO this blog. Either way…for better or for worse…THE KING IS BACK!
Man, I LOVE THAT FRICKING SONG. And now it pleases me to say once again with feeling…
Chachi Out.
(I so missed that!)
Anyway, how have you all been? Good? That’s nice to hear. I have been neglecting you all and I want to apologize. Except for little Billy in Roanoke. Fuck you, Billy I don’t give a shit if you do have cancer of the head. FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! To the rest of you, it’s time to bring back what you have all missed over the last four months or so…THE PAIN!
WU-TANG! Good to be back, peeps. Now that pleasantries are out of the fucking way, it is time to get back to business. It has been a while since I have ranted and since I began following the teachings of the one I call Dr. Deuce. Now he doesn’t have one of those fancy smancy DOCTORATE or those “books” that people read but he has a Bachelors in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies so he has been bestowed the title of doctor by a much higher authority. Now at first he seemed a bit crazy, mostly because he is but he told me to start meditating but drink more and now my anger and loathing has turned into apathy and wanton disregard for the feelings and wants of others. It is a great place to be…but you don’t get invited to many parties.
So I am officially writing TWO books. One is a collection of my blogs (“The Life and Times of Chachi: Blogs at the Speed of Rage” which I am on Chapter 8!) and the second is going to be called “Being The Best You That You Can Be” by Dr. Deuce McGillicuty. Yeah, the title is a work in progress. Here is a quick snippit! For the peeps, I spoil!
Rule #3: Putting Yourself First Isn’t Bad If It Is Used For Your Own Good
Now people always say that you have to look out for the emotional well being of others when you do what you do. Now the Deuce is all for making sure that everyone else is happy and has their moments but really…is it worth it at the expense of you? If you spend time helping others and making sure they are happy you will usually do it at the expense of your own self. Now you can sit back and say “NO DR. DEUCE YOU’RE WRONG!” and to that I will say…fuck you this is my book. Secondly I will ask you to perform a little exercise on yourself:
How Often Do You Feel Unappreciated By People You Consider Friends?
A. Never! My friends are down like Circuit City stocks in the late 2000’s!
B. Almost never. I have a few associates I ponder why I hang with but for the most part I have a stable and too live crew.
C. Sometimes. I feel like half my time is spent helping friends and the other half is spent bitching to other friends HOW MUCH I HELP MY OTHER FRIENDS!
D. Almost always. I have one person I trust and they are less a friend, more of a shrink to tell about the bullshit that happens from my other “friends”
E. I AM A DOORMAT!
Now if you are a D or an E you are definitely doing it fucking wrong. Your best friend HAS TO BE YOURSELF. If you can’t trust yourself to do what is best for you how can you fucking trust anyone to give a shit about what is best for you? Just like Foxy Brown stated in “Big Bad Mama” aint nobody gonna love you like you and if you don’t love yourself others won’t love you. The most important person in your life should be you. Yes, that includes if you have children. Those little bastards would kill you for a kidney for sustenance if the proper moment arose and don’t think they wouldn’t. Remember, behind the glowing eyes of a child’s smile is an evil that cannot be imagined.
Now back to my original point. The Doctor knows that it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself ABOUT yourself and what is wrong with you and taking to task how to fix it. We as people don’t like to fix things ourselves, it is why we outsource shit and use illegal labor to build our garages and handle our technical support. Doing things ourselves and fixing problems is trying and in some cases devastating to accept. However, it is like not taking care of a small anthill in a garden. You let it go because it’s small and isn’t really causing major problems but then more ants are born and the hill gets bigger and bigger until you have super ants with ray guns and crazy six-legged martial arts skills ransacking your rutabagas.
Now giant sized ant problems aside, I am sure you are asking what you can do to make sure that you make yourself happy first so you can make others happy. Well, the Doctor is glad you asked:
1. Love Yourself First: No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.
2. Find Those That Love Themselves: If you associate with those that hate themselves as much as you do, you have something in common but it doesn’t mean it is A GOOD THING.
3. Block And Tackle: The friends you should have, like Katt Williams once said, should block a lot of the drama and help you tackle your problems. If your friends are an obstacle to your happiness or block you from goals, drop them zeros and get with some heroes.
4. Talk To Yourself: Not just when there is no one to talk to. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS, FOOL!
Hells yeah, kicking it old school! In all seriousness, you should take at least ten minutes a day to just talk to yourself. Have a chat with the most important person in your life, the one that can make the most changes to benefit you…and that is you. If you aren’t talking with yourself to see what is working and what isn’t then you are just going to keep on doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you. And that’s just ignant.
Remember, Dr. Deuce’s advice is professional advice from a REAL DOCTOR. At least that’s what his degrees on the wall said. College University State is a real school, right? Anyway, I will post more from Dr. Deuce as I have more sessions. Until then, let me just say that it is good to be back. I missed the peeps and I appreciate the fans and all the emails you guys sent. It shows that someone was listening and gave me a reason to actually DO this blog. Either way…for better or for worse…THE KING IS BACK!
Man, I LOVE THAT FRICKING SONG. And now it pleases me to say once again with feeling…
Chachi Out.
(I so missed that!)
Monday, May 17, 2010
It's 2PM, Do You Know Where Your Awesome Is?
Been a while! Over a damn month, I admit. Reason being is that I have a new job! Can I get a hells yeah?! Well, I will blog later on this week but here is the latest Countdown:
2PM holds on yet again. I will be back soon, peeps!
Chachi's BACK! Bitches.
2PM holds on yet again. I will be back soon, peeps!
Chachi's BACK! Bitches.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
In The Future, The Past Is Happening...To THEM.
It’s your lucky day, fuckers! I am back with a new blog…kind of. You see, a discussion was had recently about sexual partners and their importance in the now when it comes to a relationship or building a relationship. Now first off, this was posted almost two years ago on the blog because I was happier then and it was well before the pressures of the world crushed my spirit. Or not, I kind of zone in and out. Either way, I have always felt that it was a moot point but at the same time I like to vent and release and this was one of the last blogs I had before hitting up 50 hour work weeks and being too tired to drop the knowledge on the peeps. So, this is one of my many previous installments of…
Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!
Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?
You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated
“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”
Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy BOYFRIEND she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.
Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:
Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It
There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.
Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.
Now, let’s tie this all together. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating; they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the simplest shit.
Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them. Oh, And Shut The Fuck Up About It (Sorry, got a theme here I gotta run with)
Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little thing we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:
1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.
So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:
Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You
Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?
Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed but it isn’t only based on skill, it is based off opportunity and there were many a frat party in college)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah, that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.
Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have and presto, fools…
Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)
If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!
I hope you all learned something because I didn’t. Maybe some Boddington’s and Chimay will help. While I do that, you look at the Countdown:
I loves me some Epik High. Well, that’s all for now. I will try to be up later this week before I see Bo Burnham this weekend in Denver. If anyone is down to go, let me know because the more the merrier. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!
Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?
You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated
“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”
Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy BOYFRIEND she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.
Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:
Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It
There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.
Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.
Now, let’s tie this all together. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating; they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the simplest shit.
Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them. Oh, And Shut The Fuck Up About It (Sorry, got a theme here I gotta run with)
Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little thing we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:
1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.
So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:
Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You
Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?
Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed but it isn’t only based on skill, it is based off opportunity and there were many a frat party in college)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah, that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.
Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have and presto, fools…
Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)
If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!
I hope you all learned something because I didn’t. Maybe some Boddington’s and Chimay will help. While I do that, you look at the Countdown:
I loves me some Epik High. Well, that’s all for now. I will try to be up later this week before I see Bo Burnham this weekend in Denver. If anyone is down to go, let me know because the more the merrier. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sometimes I Wish Black Dynamite Would Use His Kung Fu On Lady GaGa...But Hitting Women Aint Cool.
So last Friday some of you know I had to say goodbye to my closest friend in Shaolin. Yes, he was my dog. Now I am not one of those people that thought of my dog as a “member of the family” because if a member of my family ate cat poop and was afraid of vacuums I would have disowned them long ago. Shaolin was like a roommate that didn’t really pay rent. He was one that listened to all my stories about women that did me wrong, women I did wrong and everything in between. All he asked for was an occasional belly rub and a turkey leg bone at Thanksgiving. Oh, and some whiskey every now and then but he was a terrier which made him either Scottish or Irish. Either way, he hated the Welsh. And the Turks. He was 17 years old which is well past the life expectancy of his breed so I cannot complain much. We had good times, bad times and times that he had to bail me out of jail which is hard for a dog to do because of breed profiling but he did it. He was literally my dawg and he will be missed. This one is for my homie:
I’m sure he has no idea what they are saying but it’s not about the words. It’s about the words. Or something.
Oh, before I get into the Countdown I just need to let this be known: Lady Gaga fucking sucks. I could care less how many fans she has; even Hitler had a fucking fan base. At least he made the trains run on time, all Lady Gaga makes me do is wish for the old days of Madonna, David Bowie and Prince. Real gender bending trendsetters that actually had some social and lyrical relevance. I mean YES Prince gave us Darling Nikki but he also gave us Purple Rain and Sign ‘O’ The Times:
Lady Gaga is pointless tripe that plays off being a “gay icon” when actuality she has very little lyrical prowess and has above average production which makes people listen because I don’t think ANYONE listens to lyrics anymore. Oh, and about the gay icon bullshit?
Elton John = GAY ICON
Melissa Etheridge = GAY ICON
Freddie Mercury = ULTIMATE GAY ICON
George Michael = GAY ICON
Little Richard = WHOOOOOOOOO GAY ICON, BITCH!
LADY GAGA = NOT A FUCKING GAY ICON
Now I am one that believes you actually have to either be something or fight for the rights of something to be considered an icon of it. I consider Eminem to be a hip hop icon because of what he has done for hip hop despite the complaints of his style and content (Which I agree with but Public Enemy wasn’t about playing Red Rover either, people). Even though some people don’t consider him a hip hop icon because he isn’t Black, that does not and SHOULD NOT take away from his accomplishments and what he has done. Same for Madonna being a “gay icon” because I feel that she has done more for the gay community than others whether it be actually fighting for causes or supporting homosexual artists. Oh, and she actually has SOME (Not a lot!) of musical talent. More than Miss Gaga does, anyway. Lady Gaga plays to a market of “liberated” women that think that being “edgy” means being a fuckwit. Much like 50 Cent played the “ignorant nigga and suburban youths that WANT to be ignorant nigga” card, Gaga has played the fuckwit card and much like instant deaths in God of War III they suck ass but are a fact of life so you gotta just play through until you kick someone’s ass in the 4th person. Or something like that, I’m hella tired right now. Either way, Lady Gaga sucks and for all you people that say “well she has more fans than you!” always remember that just because you have popularity doesn’t mean you deserve it.
Lastly, I spaced on putting the Countdown up last week so here is this weeks:
30. Tohoshinki – Break Out!! (Last Week #23, Two Weeks at #1)
29. 2AM – I Did Wrong (New Entry)
28. SCANDAL – Shukan Sentimental (Last Week #21)
27. Yuya Matsuhita – Trust Me (New Entry)
26. AZU – For You (Last Week #18)
25. T-ara – I’m Really Hurt (New Entry)
24. TRAX – Let You Go (Last Week #19)
23. Hyunah – Change (Last Week #16)
22. F.Cuz – No One (Last Week #29)
21. Do As Infinity – Kimi ga Inai Mirai (Last Week #11)
20. Girl’s Generation – Run Devil Run (New Entry)
19. SeeYa, Davichi & T-ara - Wonder Woman (Last Week #14)
18. L Class – Please Don’t Go (Last Week #24)
17. Untouchable feat Narsha – Live In Your Heart (Last Week #13)
16. C.N. Blue – I’m A Loner (Last Week #9, One Week at #1)
15. AI feat. Namie Amuro – Fake (New Entry)
14. F(x) feat, MIC – Lollipop (Last Week #7)
13. 8eight - Availability Period (Last Week #26)
12. Girls’ Generation – Oh! (Last Week #4, Two Weeks at #1)
11. 2AM – Can’t Let You Go (Last Week #6)
10. ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION – Solanin (Last Week #17)
9. BEAST - Shock (Last Week #15)
8. HALCALI – Endless Night (Last Week #2)
7. BACK-ON feat. Mini – One Step! (Last Week #12)
6. Kim Jong Kook – Can’t Forget (Last Week #5)
5. Epik High – Run (Last Week #20)
4. T-Ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You (Last Week #8)
3. Stereopony - Hanbunko (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
2. KARA – Lupin (Last Week #3)
1. 2NE1 – Try To Copy Me (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)
New number one! I love me some 2NE1.
Well, I will be back up later on this week. Need to post more, if for NOTHING than my on sanity because I am going crazy over here with all the asshatery going on in 2010. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
I’m sure he has no idea what they are saying but it’s not about the words. It’s about the words. Or something.
Oh, before I get into the Countdown I just need to let this be known: Lady Gaga fucking sucks. I could care less how many fans she has; even Hitler had a fucking fan base. At least he made the trains run on time, all Lady Gaga makes me do is wish for the old days of Madonna, David Bowie and Prince. Real gender bending trendsetters that actually had some social and lyrical relevance. I mean YES Prince gave us Darling Nikki but he also gave us Purple Rain and Sign ‘O’ The Times:
Lady Gaga is pointless tripe that plays off being a “gay icon” when actuality she has very little lyrical prowess and has above average production which makes people listen because I don’t think ANYONE listens to lyrics anymore. Oh, and about the gay icon bullshit?
Elton John = GAY ICON
Melissa Etheridge = GAY ICON
Freddie Mercury = ULTIMATE GAY ICON
George Michael = GAY ICON
Little Richard = WHOOOOOOOOO GAY ICON, BITCH!
LADY GAGA = NOT A FUCKING GAY ICON
Now I am one that believes you actually have to either be something or fight for the rights of something to be considered an icon of it. I consider Eminem to be a hip hop icon because of what he has done for hip hop despite the complaints of his style and content (Which I agree with but Public Enemy wasn’t about playing Red Rover either, people). Even though some people don’t consider him a hip hop icon because he isn’t Black, that does not and SHOULD NOT take away from his accomplishments and what he has done. Same for Madonna being a “gay icon” because I feel that she has done more for the gay community than others whether it be actually fighting for causes or supporting homosexual artists. Oh, and she actually has SOME (Not a lot!) of musical talent. More than Miss Gaga does, anyway. Lady Gaga plays to a market of “liberated” women that think that being “edgy” means being a fuckwit. Much like 50 Cent played the “ignorant nigga and suburban youths that WANT to be ignorant nigga” card, Gaga has played the fuckwit card and much like instant deaths in God of War III they suck ass but are a fact of life so you gotta just play through until you kick someone’s ass in the 4th person. Or something like that, I’m hella tired right now. Either way, Lady Gaga sucks and for all you people that say “well she has more fans than you!” always remember that just because you have popularity doesn’t mean you deserve it.
Lastly, I spaced on putting the Countdown up last week so here is this weeks:
30. Tohoshinki – Break Out!! (Last Week #23, Two Weeks at #1)
29. 2AM – I Did Wrong (New Entry)
28. SCANDAL – Shukan Sentimental (Last Week #21)
27. Yuya Matsuhita – Trust Me (New Entry)
26. AZU – For You (Last Week #18)
25. T-ara – I’m Really Hurt (New Entry)
24. TRAX – Let You Go (Last Week #19)
23. Hyunah – Change (Last Week #16)
22. F.Cuz – No One (Last Week #29)
21. Do As Infinity – Kimi ga Inai Mirai (Last Week #11)
20. Girl’s Generation – Run Devil Run (New Entry)
19. SeeYa, Davichi & T-ara - Wonder Woman (Last Week #14)
18. L Class – Please Don’t Go (Last Week #24)
17. Untouchable feat Narsha – Live In Your Heart (Last Week #13)
16. C.N. Blue – I’m A Loner (Last Week #9, One Week at #1)
15. AI feat. Namie Amuro – Fake (New Entry)
14. F(x) feat, MIC – Lollipop (Last Week #7)
13. 8eight - Availability Period (Last Week #26)
12. Girls’ Generation – Oh! (Last Week #4, Two Weeks at #1)
11. 2AM – Can’t Let You Go (Last Week #6)
10. ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION – Solanin (Last Week #17)
9. BEAST - Shock (Last Week #15)
8. HALCALI – Endless Night (Last Week #2)
7. BACK-ON feat. Mini – One Step! (Last Week #12)
6. Kim Jong Kook – Can’t Forget (Last Week #5)
5. Epik High – Run (Last Week #20)
4. T-Ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You (Last Week #8)
3. Stereopony - Hanbunko (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
2. KARA – Lupin (Last Week #3)
1. 2NE1 – Try To Copy Me (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)
New number one! I love me some 2NE1.
Well, I will be back up later on this week. Need to post more, if for NOTHING than my on sanity because I am going crazy over here with all the asshatery going on in 2010. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
If You Miss Wasabi, You Better Be Dead or In Jail! And If Yu Are In Jail...BREAK OUT!!!
What is up, peeps? Well, Anime Wasabi is coming up on Friday and I still need to grab some spirits (PARTY TIME!) but aside from that I am set and ready. With that said…February SUCKED ASS. Hated that shit so fucking much and it made me miserable. Them’s the breaks though and to all involved parties you can EAT A MOTHERFUCKING DICK. Yeah, I said it. March is already looking better so let’s get started!
So I got into a conversation about women’s fashion yesterday which is what drove my post last night and a conversation continued with the same person about a conversation we had last week about women and their lack of logic. Now what I have never understood is that no matter how wrong about a subject a woman will be, plausible deniability becomes their big weapon. I mean, how can you sit back and deny logic at all junctures and points because it fits you. I mean I want to say I am a 2XL but that shit aint gonna happen, people. The reason I bring this up is because of a conversation I had not too long ago with a female friend which almost ended our friendship with the stupidity of her response.
The discussion got whether the number of sexual partners counted in the grand scheme of things when it comes to a relationship. First off, by posing this question to me I let her know that she is relinquishing all her rights and privileges when it comes to being protected by my responses because like a tiger, I am a real motherfucker. The realest motherfucker in the zoo! She made the mistake of saying she was fine with it but I know that isn’t the case but still you go into the tiger cage you may get mauled.
So women sit back and say that their sexual past SHOULDN’T matter but the simple fact is just like a man’s sexual history…it DOES matter. To a logical extent, mind you. The fact is the past is the past and you can’t change it no matter how much you lie about it to yourself. You know who I am talking about. Admit you spread like Smuckers and you will be a lot happier than blaming every man that you say “used you” because you were too stupid to realize they were lying. Yes, I said it and I am sick of the delusion. The people that make the sexual partner issue an issue for the most part is women. Now women will say that it is men that ask but usually it is because they heard from someone that you decided to perform the Love Train on the 1987 San Francisco 49ers defensive front seven. Yes, the Love Train is a move and MAN is it awesome. Takes a talented woman to do that, but I digress.
I always will say that LOGICALLY sexual past is a point to discuss because you kind of need to know who you are going to be laying down with from the safety standpoint. You see, when a friend of mine stated that men she wasn’t dating that she had sex with (Read: One night stands and other acts of random sexual stupidity) didn’t “count” to which I wanted to laugh until I realized she REALLY BELIEVED THAT SHIT. Ladies, understand something loud and clear: STD’S DON’T CARE IF HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND OR NOT. The fact you run by that logic is the exact same as a man thinking that sex with a prostitute doesn’t count because money is involved and he didn’t love her (He loves you! Mostly because you don’t fuck other men for money…or do you?) but you sure as hell wouldn’t stand for that shit. Same concept, although a man that sexes up a prostitute is a pure genius because you have to pay for it in some way shape or form anyway so why pay the restaurant? Get right down to the bizness.
Everyone COUNTS. Does it matter? Not necessarily unless you are a walking candidate for the SuperAIDS. And I will say it right now: if the number is over 30 then yes, that is too many. I already posted the ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index) and I am saying right now that if you are fucking that many people then you need to find a hobby that doesn’t risk pregnancy or emotional emptiness. Name one prostitute that isn’t dead inside or has a daddy issue. Or has a vagina like a NASCAR tire.
Now someone once told me that thirty was a low number. Okay, 30 is a low number if we are talking about home runs in a season during the fucking steroid era. Not when we talk about sexual encounters. I mean, I don’t even have 10 friends so the thought of being entered (or entering for that matter) thirty people seems kind of not…normal? Mostly because about 30% if not higher you will never see again unless you see them at a bar/club or have that always fun moment of not bleeding from your vagina on time. Then…it’s his fault. No one knows why, but it is. Personally sex still scares me as my experience with it has been painful and trauma inducing but there is also a logic factor in all of this. Think about it like this:
Depending on whom you believe (Religious fuckwits, scientific fuckwits or the great people at Planned Parenthood. It’s how I find all of my dates because I knows they fuckin!) the ratios of people with STD’s (Now this is all STD’s ranging from groinal scabs to Mecha-AIDS which has the HIV Zord and everything) in the age range of 24-32 ranges from 5:1 (Just for genital herpes to which I can’t say I agree or disagree) to 27:1 (Combining all STD’s together which skews the numbers a great deal) in the United States. Now these numbers like I said are skewed but look at the GENERIC ODDS. If you have 30 partners, the odds of you having an STD (Even using a condom according to Jesus because if he can’t get no tang, NO ONE GETS NO TANG!) can be up to 90%! Now I believe that this is bullshit on a string but…what reason do you have fucking more than 30 people in the first place?
Now this is odds are where my detachment with reality begins and I go off into my happy land while others go into Dipshitville IMHO. I see no reason to have fucked enough people to create a starting lineup on offense and defense of every major and NON-MAJOR sport. Except for Red Rover, of course. That is just me but I think there are better things to do with your time and you don’t need to take your clothes off to have a good one:
Preach it, Jermaine. Preach it…and yes I know he is dead.
So long story short to answer her question (I think she reads the blog but if not, I needed material so this will do) the number of sexual partners is IMPORTANT, but it shouldn’t be an ISSUE. Disclosure is always good between couples but at the same time you can’t get upset because the other person isn’t a fan of the number. That is just life sometimes. However, if you are looking to do more with this person than take their money and put stuff in their butt (Both parties fall under this one because…bitches be wanting to do some crazy stuff in the bedroom. Am I right, fellas?! Women be shoppin!) then your past needs to be told but not analyzed much like a background check for an employee at work. I mean you wouldn’t want a pederast working with the Boy’s Club just like ladies wouldn’t want their man that had a three-way with Paris Hilton and Magic Johnson. How is THAT for a parallel? Fuck you, fucky I had a rough day today.
Well, I hope that entertained and offended. If not, I really don’t care so fuck off. I am going to grab some soju and hopefully forget that my life is a series of “gotcha nigga!” moments and soul-crushing heartbreak. I kid, I kid! I’m okay…
Trust me
Oh, one last thing. Here is last weeks Countdown!
Man, it will be four years this August that I have been doing this. Good times. Anyway, I wont be back up until probably Sunday or Monday due to Wasabi. If anyone is down to party to the Chef, come on down! There is always a party in the Chateau De Chef! See you all on Friday and until then, stay up!
Chachi Out
So I got into a conversation about women’s fashion yesterday which is what drove my post last night and a conversation continued with the same person about a conversation we had last week about women and their lack of logic. Now what I have never understood is that no matter how wrong about a subject a woman will be, plausible deniability becomes their big weapon. I mean, how can you sit back and deny logic at all junctures and points because it fits you. I mean I want to say I am a 2XL but that shit aint gonna happen, people. The reason I bring this up is because of a conversation I had not too long ago with a female friend which almost ended our friendship with the stupidity of her response.
The discussion got whether the number of sexual partners counted in the grand scheme of things when it comes to a relationship. First off, by posing this question to me I let her know that she is relinquishing all her rights and privileges when it comes to being protected by my responses because like a tiger, I am a real motherfucker. The realest motherfucker in the zoo! She made the mistake of saying she was fine with it but I know that isn’t the case but still you go into the tiger cage you may get mauled.
So women sit back and say that their sexual past SHOULDN’T matter but the simple fact is just like a man’s sexual history…it DOES matter. To a logical extent, mind you. The fact is the past is the past and you can’t change it no matter how much you lie about it to yourself. You know who I am talking about. Admit you spread like Smuckers and you will be a lot happier than blaming every man that you say “used you” because you were too stupid to realize they were lying. Yes, I said it and I am sick of the delusion. The people that make the sexual partner issue an issue for the most part is women. Now women will say that it is men that ask but usually it is because they heard from someone that you decided to perform the Love Train on the 1987 San Francisco 49ers defensive front seven. Yes, the Love Train is a move and MAN is it awesome. Takes a talented woman to do that, but I digress.
I always will say that LOGICALLY sexual past is a point to discuss because you kind of need to know who you are going to be laying down with from the safety standpoint. You see, when a friend of mine stated that men she wasn’t dating that she had sex with (Read: One night stands and other acts of random sexual stupidity) didn’t “count” to which I wanted to laugh until I realized she REALLY BELIEVED THAT SHIT. Ladies, understand something loud and clear: STD’S DON’T CARE IF HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND OR NOT. The fact you run by that logic is the exact same as a man thinking that sex with a prostitute doesn’t count because money is involved and he didn’t love her (He loves you! Mostly because you don’t fuck other men for money…or do you?) but you sure as hell wouldn’t stand for that shit. Same concept, although a man that sexes up a prostitute is a pure genius because you have to pay for it in some way shape or form anyway so why pay the restaurant? Get right down to the bizness.
Everyone COUNTS. Does it matter? Not necessarily unless you are a walking candidate for the SuperAIDS. And I will say it right now: if the number is over 30 then yes, that is too many. I already posted the ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index) and I am saying right now that if you are fucking that many people then you need to find a hobby that doesn’t risk pregnancy or emotional emptiness. Name one prostitute that isn’t dead inside or has a daddy issue. Or has a vagina like a NASCAR tire.
Now someone once told me that thirty was a low number. Okay, 30 is a low number if we are talking about home runs in a season during the fucking steroid era. Not when we talk about sexual encounters. I mean, I don’t even have 10 friends so the thought of being entered (or entering for that matter) thirty people seems kind of not…normal? Mostly because about 30% if not higher you will never see again unless you see them at a bar/club or have that always fun moment of not bleeding from your vagina on time. Then…it’s his fault. No one knows why, but it is. Personally sex still scares me as my experience with it has been painful and trauma inducing but there is also a logic factor in all of this. Think about it like this:
Depending on whom you believe (Religious fuckwits, scientific fuckwits or the great people at Planned Parenthood. It’s how I find all of my dates because I knows they fuckin!) the ratios of people with STD’s (Now this is all STD’s ranging from groinal scabs to Mecha-AIDS which has the HIV Zord and everything) in the age range of 24-32 ranges from 5:1 (Just for genital herpes to which I can’t say I agree or disagree) to 27:1 (Combining all STD’s together which skews the numbers a great deal) in the United States. Now these numbers like I said are skewed but look at the GENERIC ODDS. If you have 30 partners, the odds of you having an STD (Even using a condom according to Jesus because if he can’t get no tang, NO ONE GETS NO TANG!) can be up to 90%! Now I believe that this is bullshit on a string but…what reason do you have fucking more than 30 people in the first place?
Now this is odds are where my detachment with reality begins and I go off into my happy land while others go into Dipshitville IMHO. I see no reason to have fucked enough people to create a starting lineup on offense and defense of every major and NON-MAJOR sport. Except for Red Rover, of course. That is just me but I think there are better things to do with your time and you don’t need to take your clothes off to have a good one:
Preach it, Jermaine. Preach it…and yes I know he is dead.
So long story short to answer her question (I think she reads the blog but if not, I needed material so this will do) the number of sexual partners is IMPORTANT, but it shouldn’t be an ISSUE. Disclosure is always good between couples but at the same time you can’t get upset because the other person isn’t a fan of the number. That is just life sometimes. However, if you are looking to do more with this person than take their money and put stuff in their butt (Both parties fall under this one because…bitches be wanting to do some crazy stuff in the bedroom. Am I right, fellas?! Women be shoppin!) then your past needs to be told but not analyzed much like a background check for an employee at work. I mean you wouldn’t want a pederast working with the Boy’s Club just like ladies wouldn’t want their man that had a three-way with Paris Hilton and Magic Johnson. How is THAT for a parallel? Fuck you, fucky I had a rough day today.
Well, I hope that entertained and offended. If not, I really don’t care so fuck off. I am going to grab some soju and hopefully forget that my life is a series of “gotcha nigga!” moments and soul-crushing heartbreak. I kid, I kid! I’m okay…
Trust me
Oh, one last thing. Here is last weeks Countdown!
Man, it will be four years this August that I have been doing this. Good times. Anyway, I wont be back up until probably Sunday or Monday due to Wasabi. If anyone is down to party to the Chef, come on down! There is always a party in the Chateau De Chef! See you all on Friday and until then, stay up!
Chachi Out
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Fighting In The Club? See: Arguing On The Internet. Just Makes You Retarded.
Alright, people. I have one question and one question only to ask…
When do you become too old to fight in the fucking club?
Seriously? Grown ass men fighting in the club because someone had an old ass Kangol on? I mean I think that it should be worn by RUN DMC and Jam Master Jay only but still that aint a reason to beat up on someone! Okay I know that aint the reason that everybody leveled up their Chris Brown materia and went berserk on this guy (Always gotta keep it nerd) but seriously; at what point is fighting in the club justified? Hell, at what point is fighting justified? I have always said that violence is wrong no matter who you are and who you are fighting (Yes, that goes for women two and that is a completely different blog and if you don’t know my stance on that then read the archives. I will make it easy: if you don’t want to get hit, don’t hit anyone) because there is only ONE REASON to ever fight.
Reason #1: The Glory of Love
You can always fight for love but remember you must SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY! It is also acceptable to fight to stand out above the crowd but if you are seeing it eye to eye then you shouldn’t have to.
Now I understand that sometimes you may think it is prudent to fight in the club. Someone may disrespect you or your lady-friend for instance. Or even worse, someone could step on your Stacy Adams! Or Stetsons for all you people that go to Cowboys or wherever and good for you. Either way, when you fight in the club you ruin the night for everyone else (Sans the free entertainment that comes from your dipshittery) and you just end up looking like a fuckwit. Yeah, I said it. If you have an issue with someone, take it outside and let everyone else enjoy their rum and cokes or whatever the kids are drinking nowdays. Just stop it, because you fuck things up for everyone else. Just like the damn A-bomb.
Well, I just had to get that out. Sick of the douchery. Oh, and to the six people that asked here is the Countdown for last week:
Again, it would serve you better to go to the YouTube page but people are creatures of habit so there. Also, I am considering doing Douchebrawl again. I didn’t do it for 2009 and I really fricking missed it. I let the web domain lapse on the website name but the old web page still exists so I may bring it back this Spring. Anyway, I am out for now. Stay up and I will be back this weekend.
Chachi Out
When do you become too old to fight in the fucking club?
Seriously? Grown ass men fighting in the club because someone had an old ass Kangol on? I mean I think that it should be worn by RUN DMC and Jam Master Jay only but still that aint a reason to beat up on someone! Okay I know that aint the reason that everybody leveled up their Chris Brown materia and went berserk on this guy (Always gotta keep it nerd) but seriously; at what point is fighting in the club justified? Hell, at what point is fighting justified? I have always said that violence is wrong no matter who you are and who you are fighting (Yes, that goes for women two and that is a completely different blog and if you don’t know my stance on that then read the archives. I will make it easy: if you don’t want to get hit, don’t hit anyone) because there is only ONE REASON to ever fight.
Reason #1: The Glory of Love
You can always fight for love but remember you must SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY! It is also acceptable to fight to stand out above the crowd but if you are seeing it eye to eye then you shouldn’t have to.
Now I understand that sometimes you may think it is prudent to fight in the club. Someone may disrespect you or your lady-friend for instance. Or even worse, someone could step on your Stacy Adams! Or Stetsons for all you people that go to Cowboys or wherever and good for you. Either way, when you fight in the club you ruin the night for everyone else (Sans the free entertainment that comes from your dipshittery) and you just end up looking like a fuckwit. Yeah, I said it. If you have an issue with someone, take it outside and let everyone else enjoy their rum and cokes or whatever the kids are drinking nowdays. Just stop it, because you fuck things up for everyone else. Just like the damn A-bomb.
Well, I just had to get that out. Sick of the douchery. Oh, and to the six people that asked here is the Countdown for last week:
Again, it would serve you better to go to the YouTube page but people are creatures of habit so there. Also, I am considering doing Douchebrawl again. I didn’t do it for 2009 and I really fricking missed it. I let the web domain lapse on the website name but the old web page still exists so I may bring it back this Spring. Anyway, I am out for now. Stay up and I will be back this weekend.
Chachi Out
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I Miss Morris Day and The Time. Really, That's The Title. They All Can't Be Gems.
What is up, peeps?! First off, I have to say that nothing fixes up a shitty week like SHOPPING!
Say what you will and call it what you want, I have to look faboo. So the other day I mentioned that R&B has all but died. Actually, I said that about 10 years ago when R.Kelly was to busy pissing on minors and getting his ass kicked by Ron Isley’s goons (Plies could take a lesson from him on how to do goonery correct) to do anything and we were innindated with Destiny’s Child and all that other stuff. Now I have always said that music is in the ear of the listener but…
Trey Songz = Marvin Gaye?! NO
Beyonce = Aretha Franklin?! NO! (Well, not now because she looks like she ate Patti LaBelle AND Anita Baker. I thought she ate Sade, too but she just released a new album and I am glad to see her back!)
I swear, R&B has gone from the social commentary of the 60’s and the sexy soul of the70’s and 80’s to…I am not sure what to call it now. On another note, does anyone remember the Hey Love commercials?:
*Sigh* I miss BET. BRING BACK GENERATIONS! I actually sat back and watched BET Friday afternoon because…well I aint got a job no more and in the words of Uncle Ruckus all I can do is either rap, sell drugs or rap about selling drugs. My mixtape will be out soon. Anyway, I was watching 106 & Park…which in itself was a bad idea…and I realized that R&B is pretty much just lazy rappers. It’s like…Ja Rule after too much Hennessy. As for females in R&B, just be glad Sade is back because if “Single Ladies” is supposed to be in the same vein as “RESPECT” and “I’m Every Woman” then something is wrong with everything. Maybe it is because my CD collection was relegated to what my parents listened to which was remastered versions of R&B they USED to listen to when they were my age. Maybe it was because I got tired of listening to shirtless dudes singing dumb ass love songs all the damn time. At some point, I just kind of gave up on R&B. As one that grew up on Video Soul it is kind of a sad statement. I mean even when the jheri curl took over and being in an R&B group became a legitimate fire hazard we still had good stuff to listen to. Even Troop had Mamacita!
They don’t even make them like THAT anymore! I’d rather hear Al B. Sure over anything that Jeremiah dude has to sing! How is Al B doing, anyway? Beside the point. I am just very sad that music has made a turn from the Kajagoogoo to the shitty. If you don’t get that train of logic, ask the Copper.
Lastly, there needs to be a definition lesson for all the ladies out there:
Diva – ˈdi və,-vɑ [dee-vuh, -vah] a distinguished female singer; prima donna.
We good on that? Got it down? Okay, now for the next word:
Hustler - –noun
1. an enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2. Slang. a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3. Informal. an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4. Slang. a prostitute.
5. a person who hustles.
Okay, did you read that? Now, are they in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM SIMILAR? No? Well, then we are now in agreement of what everyone should have already fucking known:
DIVA ISN’T A FEMALE VERSION OF A HUSTLER…UNLESS SHE IS A PROSTITUTE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...that's cold. And knowing is half the battle. The other half….regret. With that being said here is this weeks Countdown!
Kim Jong Kook IS THE FUCKING MAN. Well, I will be back up soon. Just began to look at some of my old blogs and man…that stuff was messed up. I may repost them for nostalgia. Until then, stay up. And happy Valentine's Day, f****r!
Say what you will and call it what you want, I have to look faboo. So the other day I mentioned that R&B has all but died. Actually, I said that about 10 years ago when R.Kelly was to busy pissing on minors and getting his ass kicked by Ron Isley’s goons (Plies could take a lesson from him on how to do goonery correct) to do anything and we were innindated with Destiny’s Child and all that other stuff. Now I have always said that music is in the ear of the listener but…
Trey Songz = Marvin Gaye?! NO
Beyonce = Aretha Franklin?! NO! (Well, not now because she looks like she ate Patti LaBelle AND Anita Baker. I thought she ate Sade, too but she just released a new album and I am glad to see her back!)
I swear, R&B has gone from the social commentary of the 60’s and the sexy soul of the70’s and 80’s to…I am not sure what to call it now. On another note, does anyone remember the Hey Love commercials?:
*Sigh* I miss BET. BRING BACK GENERATIONS! I actually sat back and watched BET Friday afternoon because…well I aint got a job no more and in the words of Uncle Ruckus all I can do is either rap, sell drugs or rap about selling drugs. My mixtape will be out soon. Anyway, I was watching 106 & Park…which in itself was a bad idea…and I realized that R&B is pretty much just lazy rappers. It’s like…Ja Rule after too much Hennessy. As for females in R&B, just be glad Sade is back because if “Single Ladies” is supposed to be in the same vein as “RESPECT” and “I’m Every Woman” then something is wrong with everything. Maybe it is because my CD collection was relegated to what my parents listened to which was remastered versions of R&B they USED to listen to when they were my age. Maybe it was because I got tired of listening to shirtless dudes singing dumb ass love songs all the damn time. At some point, I just kind of gave up on R&B. As one that grew up on Video Soul it is kind of a sad statement. I mean even when the jheri curl took over and being in an R&B group became a legitimate fire hazard we still had good stuff to listen to. Even Troop had Mamacita!
They don’t even make them like THAT anymore! I’d rather hear Al B. Sure over anything that Jeremiah dude has to sing! How is Al B doing, anyway? Beside the point. I am just very sad that music has made a turn from the Kajagoogoo to the shitty. If you don’t get that train of logic, ask the Copper.
Lastly, there needs to be a definition lesson for all the ladies out there:
Diva – ˈdi və,-vɑ [dee-vuh, -vah] a distinguished female singer; prima donna.
We good on that? Got it down? Okay, now for the next word:
Hustler - –noun
1. an enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2. Slang. a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3. Informal. an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4. Slang. a prostitute.
5. a person who hustles.
Okay, did you read that? Now, are they in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM SIMILAR? No? Well, then we are now in agreement of what everyone should have already fucking known:
DIVA ISN’T A FEMALE VERSION OF A HUSTLER…UNLESS SHE IS A PROSTITUTE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...that's cold. And knowing is half the battle. The other half….regret. With that being said here is this weeks Countdown!
Kim Jong Kook IS THE FUCKING MAN. Well, I will be back up soon. Just began to look at some of my old blogs and man…that stuff was messed up. I may repost them for nostalgia. Until then, stay up. And happy Valentine's Day, f****r!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My Ode To Soju. At Least It Respects Me!
What is up, peeps? Pretty good day today as things are looking up and hopefully I will be rocking the box the week after Anime Wasabi. BTW, of anyone would like to be Kyle let me know. I am short on the children! Wait...I may just have to take a seat over there.
Anyway, today I want to give a shout out to the thing that has helped me the most in the last few years. Of everyone out there, you get down to the heart of me...and give me the courage to sing Beat Crusaders in public. Yes...I get loose. So, here is my ode to soju, in haiku form:
My Ode to Soju
Soju, my green pal.
You are there when I am sad,
And you never judge.
*Sigh* you are a good friend, Jinro. A good friend. See you all later, I will rant soon.
Chachi Out.
Anyway, today I want to give a shout out to the thing that has helped me the most in the last few years. Of everyone out there, you get down to the heart of me...and give me the courage to sing Beat Crusaders in public. Yes...I get loose. So, here is my ode to soju, in haiku form:
My Ode to Soju
Soju, my green pal.
You are there when I am sad,
And you never judge.
*Sigh* you are a good friend, Jinro. A good friend. See you all later, I will rant soon.
Chachi Out.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I Deserve Better Than This! I Am A Doctor, Dammit!
Alright, what is up peeps? (WELCOME BACK TO THE BLOGOSPHERE, K-MONEY!) It has been a full two months since I have blogged because…well I wanted to keep my nose clean for work and it got me no-fucking-where because at the end of the day people are survivalists. Now some say that you should look for the best in people but those are the people that wake up in a tub filled with ice and one of their kidneys being sold to the Tijuana black market for bail money. I learned that from a doctor.
So now that I am back on the job market for having initiative and pretty much saying “well…you have no idea what the fuck you are doing so I am going to do this myself and eat a dick if you don’t like it” I feel okay in the long run because it WAS NOT GOING TO END WELL ANYWAY. It is like dating a woman for five months that you know her family hates you and you have nothing in common but her kids love you and you love her kids. Leaving would be awkward but you know it is the right thing to do but at the same time you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because…well, you are a pussy. PUSSY!
Maybe I should go into the ice sales business. I once sold ice to a Jew. And you KNOW they look for a bargain. ZING! Yep…I am back to offending the masses. It is what I do best. So since I haven’t been blogging in a while, I missed out on a lot of shit to rant on. I missed ranting on the death of Michael Jackson and how much…I didn’t really care. Tragic it was, but at the end of the day I cared less about Michael after I found out he DIDN’T have sex with children. At least being a pedo would explain the Webster weirdness. Also, I left the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation alone for the most part because he threw enough lefts for the both of us. And rights. YES! With those things passed on, I came back to blog just in time because something is coming up that has been a thorn in my side for a few years now (about three) and I usually get all pissy about it but not this year. Of course I speak about…
VALENTINE’S DAY
Now let me preface this first by saying…it would be smart for you to stop reading. I mean you in the global sense because some of the shit you are about to read in unintelligible, unpalatable and surprisingly enough not yet drunk ramblings. But I have a bottle of soju left and nowhere to go so this could get real good.
Now my experience with Valentine’s Day has been rather “meh” because women don’t love me (or don’t understand, depends on how the wind blows that day) and I am unlovable which makes for the perfect traits of someone that will stand outside your window with a boombox recreating the immortal scene from “Say Anything”. Then I remember that 100 feet is 100 feet and the police could give a FUCK about trying to live in a moment. They were never in LOVE! Or unrequited love in this case! Either way, I haven’t been one to sit back and say that “love sucks!” or “I don’t need to be in a relationship on Valentine’s day to validate myself!” during the stupid ass day because for the most part I feel that way everyday. You see, Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It is about pageantry. What is really wrong with that? Some people feel that they have to partake in such things to show their signifigant other that they love them and they want the world to know. Is that so bad? I mean I still say fuck off because I could care less about you or your relationship but if two people need to show they love each other by celebrating a day that is the second most worthless holiday behind Easter (Dead Jesus = chocolate bunnies and eggs. Nothing says the death and resurrection of the King of the Jews like Hershey’s and breakfast items) for the world to see then who are those in the single community to give a shit? I have never been one that cares about Valentine’s Day but the fact that every single person in America bitches about what a sham it is kind of runs thin. If you need a DAY to validate your love rather than reinforce it then you are doing it wrong. However, if you see Valentine’s Day as a day to complain about the whole institution of love and marriage as a whole like some hippie bitching about the “corporate machine” then you are REALLY doing it wrong. Valentine’s Day are like every other holiday: an avenue for people to make more money. Accept it for what it is and enjoy yourself. So everyone have fun this Valentine’s Day. Celebrate it the way our forefathers did: by raping a slave. Oh come on! That’s fucking funny!
It’s good to be back. Oh, for those five of you here for the Countdown, here it is.
Man, it has been a while since I have posted this on the blog. Yes, I like K-Pop and J-Pop. Want to fight about it? A note, if you HAVE been coming here expecting it you would be best to go to the YouTube channel. From this point on, I will be blogging on here exclusively until I have a reason to stop. SO with that said, I will be back later this week (Odds are Sunday) with a rant about something that has been pissing me off for about 10 years: what in the fuck happened to R&B?! Robin Thicke is the best R&B singer out right now. Yes, the son of the Seaver patriarch is the best in the game right now. Anyway, I will be back soon. If you want a rant about something let me know. I am taking requests again as long as it isn’t about Sarah Palin or Final Fantasy XIII. Don’t ask. Stay up, peeps.
It’s good to be back. Chachi out.
So now that I am back on the job market for having initiative and pretty much saying “well…you have no idea what the fuck you are doing so I am going to do this myself and eat a dick if you don’t like it” I feel okay in the long run because it WAS NOT GOING TO END WELL ANYWAY. It is like dating a woman for five months that you know her family hates you and you have nothing in common but her kids love you and you love her kids. Leaving would be awkward but you know it is the right thing to do but at the same time you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because…well, you are a pussy. PUSSY!
Maybe I should go into the ice sales business. I once sold ice to a Jew. And you KNOW they look for a bargain. ZING! Yep…I am back to offending the masses. It is what I do best. So since I haven’t been blogging in a while, I missed out on a lot of shit to rant on. I missed ranting on the death of Michael Jackson and how much…I didn’t really care. Tragic it was, but at the end of the day I cared less about Michael after I found out he DIDN’T have sex with children. At least being a pedo would explain the Webster weirdness. Also, I left the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation alone for the most part because he threw enough lefts for the both of us. And rights. YES! With those things passed on, I came back to blog just in time because something is coming up that has been a thorn in my side for a few years now (about three) and I usually get all pissy about it but not this year. Of course I speak about…
VALENTINE’S DAY
Now let me preface this first by saying…it would be smart for you to stop reading. I mean you in the global sense because some of the shit you are about to read in unintelligible, unpalatable and surprisingly enough not yet drunk ramblings. But I have a bottle of soju left and nowhere to go so this could get real good.
Now my experience with Valentine’s Day has been rather “meh” because women don’t love me (or don’t understand, depends on how the wind blows that day) and I am unlovable which makes for the perfect traits of someone that will stand outside your window with a boombox recreating the immortal scene from “Say Anything”. Then I remember that 100 feet is 100 feet and the police could give a FUCK about trying to live in a moment. They were never in LOVE! Or unrequited love in this case! Either way, I haven’t been one to sit back and say that “love sucks!” or “I don’t need to be in a relationship on Valentine’s day to validate myself!” during the stupid ass day because for the most part I feel that way everyday. You see, Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It is about pageantry. What is really wrong with that? Some people feel that they have to partake in such things to show their signifigant other that they love them and they want the world to know. Is that so bad? I mean I still say fuck off because I could care less about you or your relationship but if two people need to show they love each other by celebrating a day that is the second most worthless holiday behind Easter (Dead Jesus = chocolate bunnies and eggs. Nothing says the death and resurrection of the King of the Jews like Hershey’s and breakfast items) for the world to see then who are those in the single community to give a shit? I have never been one that cares about Valentine’s Day but the fact that every single person in America bitches about what a sham it is kind of runs thin. If you need a DAY to validate your love rather than reinforce it then you are doing it wrong. However, if you see Valentine’s Day as a day to complain about the whole institution of love and marriage as a whole like some hippie bitching about the “corporate machine” then you are REALLY doing it wrong. Valentine’s Day are like every other holiday: an avenue for people to make more money. Accept it for what it is and enjoy yourself. So everyone have fun this Valentine’s Day. Celebrate it the way our forefathers did: by raping a slave. Oh come on! That’s fucking funny!
It’s good to be back. Oh, for those five of you here for the Countdown, here it is.
Man, it has been a while since I have posted this on the blog. Yes, I like K-Pop and J-Pop. Want to fight about it? A note, if you HAVE been coming here expecting it you would be best to go to the YouTube channel. From this point on, I will be blogging on here exclusively until I have a reason to stop. SO with that said, I will be back later this week (Odds are Sunday) with a rant about something that has been pissing me off for about 10 years: what in the fuck happened to R&B?! Robin Thicke is the best R&B singer out right now. Yes, the son of the Seaver patriarch is the best in the game right now. Anyway, I will be back soon. If you want a rant about something let me know. I am taking requests again as long as it isn’t about Sarah Palin or Final Fantasy XIII. Don’t ask. Stay up, peeps.
It’s good to be back. Chachi out.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Christmas: The Celebration of Reindeer Slavery and Necromancy of Snowmen.
What is up, peeps?! It has been almost a month since my last post and that is because work is kicking my ass a bit and the fact that soju and I have gotten re-aquainted. You never judge me and that's why I love you so.
Well, it has been a while since I have posted the Countdown so let me give you the updated version:
Tae Yang is on top this week. I will have my 4th Chachi's Year End Extravaganza coming up on New Year's Eve on the blog and it will go all Christmas week on YouTube barring my account getting blocked.
So I havent ranted in a while but this is something that has be said and I am only going to say this once: I don't vare about Christmas. Stop asking, I am completely indifferent about it. If you are into then knock yourself out. But know that I could care less about Jesus's birth, reindeer, snowmen or that fat fuck Santa Claus. I don't mind the "holiday spirit" as long as it isnt bullshit and you understand that Jesus would have died of frostbite had he been born in a manger in December. And he was a Jew, so he was celebrating Channukah. Eight crazy nights is better than one birthday with "White Christmas" playing all damn day. Although I LOVE that song and play. Good times.
Anyway, happy holidays or whatever to you all and prepare also for the Year End Omnibus. Questions are accepted. Until then, stay up and get ready...Chachi is back.
CHACHI! (Say it like Gucci Mane says "Gucci!" and it makes sense.
Well, it has been a while since I have posted the Countdown so let me give you the updated version:
Tae Yang is on top this week. I will have my 4th Chachi's Year End Extravaganza coming up on New Year's Eve on the blog and it will go all Christmas week on YouTube barring my account getting blocked.
So I havent ranted in a while but this is something that has be said and I am only going to say this once: I don't vare about Christmas. Stop asking, I am completely indifferent about it. If you are into then knock yourself out. But know that I could care less about Jesus's birth, reindeer, snowmen or that fat fuck Santa Claus. I don't mind the "holiday spirit" as long as it isnt bullshit and you understand that Jesus would have died of frostbite had he been born in a manger in December. And he was a Jew, so he was celebrating Channukah. Eight crazy nights is better than one birthday with "White Christmas" playing all damn day. Although I LOVE that song and play. Good times.
Anyway, happy holidays or whatever to you all and prepare also for the Year End Omnibus. Questions are accepted. Until then, stay up and get ready...Chachi is back.
CHACHI! (Say it like Gucci Mane says "Gucci!" and it makes sense.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Much Like Washed Up Boxers, Trophy Wives And 30 Year Old Porn Stars...I Came Back For The Money.
What is up, people?! It has been a while since I have posted on the blog (Almost a month, I believe) but that streak ends RIGHT NOW! I am back on the scene with a pocket full of lean (If you remember what happened to me in April of this year then you know why I need it and man it is working wonders while I get rid of this thing AGAIN) and it is time to give the peeps an update on my wellbeing and whereabouts! So I give you the first ever…
CHACHI STATUS REPORT!!
Brought to you by Ginjo Soju:
Yes, I love me some Hyori Lee. Well, let’s have an update on a few things:
I’m Moving On Up!
If you haven’t heard, I am now back among the gainfully employed. It isn’t the ultimate dream job of a Zombie Vampire Hunter but few things are and that is a hard field to get into if you don’t look good in leather pants. Which I have been told several times I do not. I have to say I am enjoying my new job a lot, especially the fact that my team is a rag-tag group of misfits in the vein of The A-Team minus the kick-ass van. That thing is hard to find, though. Good times so far, hopefully more to come and even more hopefully a Christmas party in which I can pull off some karaoke.
Wicked Was….Well, Wicked.
I mean that in the best way possible. It was AWESOME this year (Depending on how you look at it)! I got better seats this time because we were at the top of the orchestra section but in 2007 I was able to look down Glinda’s dress for the whole show so…I kind of consider it a push IMHO. I have to say this, very few things never get old. “Defying Gravity” is one of them. The other? The Humpty Dance:
If anyone has video of Zach and I karaoking to the Humpty Dance at NDK 2008…I NEED THAT SHIT! Either way, I had a fun time with a fun lady (Sushi Han is THE SHIT, SON!) and it made up for a really chaotic year of douchery, asshatery and new friends that helped me not snap about it. I’m up to seven!
I STILL Hate Douchebags.
Yes, Copper they were in hiding for a while but for some reason they seem to be making a comeback. It was a good five months or so when Baglash occurred and they were exiled back to the Jersey Shore and their frat houses for a while but something VERY FUCKING WRONG has happened and now they are getting their own shows and even becoming more of a celebri-douche than before. Have you seen the cast of Tool Academy? Now I am ashamed to admit I watched an episode or two, mostly because of my hatred of the women THAT STAYED WITH THEM but to each their own when it comes to affairs of a created reality as I am living proof. One thing I noticed is that all the people on that show were in some way shape or form some kind of douche. Whether it was a Black-Douche, Bro-Douche, Redneck-Douche or Guido-Douche (THE WORST OF ALL THE DOUCHES!) they were all obviously fuckwits and yet for some reason…they are captivating for people. Not just women, but network execs that think we as Americans give a shit about the exploits of a douche. I mean I do when they ruin a good time at the bar due to their homophobic-based bravado and violence. Remember: If you SAY “no homo” then you ARE a homo. It’s science, deal with it and quit being such a asshat by starting a fight that oddly enough ends up being a bastardized MMA fight which is homoeroticism at its finest unless you are a professional. Needless to say, douchebags STILL piss me off and that will not change until they all die of hair gel poisoning or we blow up the Jersey Shore. YEAH, I SAID IT.
I Think…I Have Gotten Too Old For Video Games.
So aside from Final Fantasy XIII, God of War III and Adventures of Lolo: Battle For Egg Island (Okay, the last one I made up but you KNOW IT WOULD KICK ASS) I am not excited for any video game coming out in the next year or so. I couldn’t give a shit about Call of Duty (Oddly enough, so many people are against war but are sure as hell more than willing to battle on the intarweb) or Halo and aside from Uncharted 2 (Which I gave up for a while because I got one of those job things that so often cut into my gaming time again) I haven’t even really played a video game aside from Little Big Planet (Which got real old real quick for me. I am sorry, but side-scrollers were better in the 90’s) and Blaze Blue which gave me an ass-kicking something proper like. I even caught myself using the line “Back in my day, games were really GAMES! None of this fake guitar and drums bullshit!” and I realized I had become one of them. The old people that pine for the old days when people had live bands and dancing involved a line and Don Cornelius:
I have officially become one of those people. I miss the days of two buttons, saving the princess. Blast processing and gloves that moved cars…kinda. That movie lied to us all. It was a beautiful lie, though. A beautiful lie.
Oh, I haven’t updated the Countdown on the blog in about a month because of my YouTube Channel but here is the latest one for those of you that are still watching. All three of you.
BTW, I am rocking it in HD now on the Tu-Ube! Well, I am back for now and it is good to be here. I will have more updates, I promise. The Omnibus is returning so if you have questions you want answered, lay them on me. Until the next post, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
CHACHI STATUS REPORT!!
Brought to you by Ginjo Soju:
Yes, I love me some Hyori Lee. Well, let’s have an update on a few things:
I’m Moving On Up!
If you haven’t heard, I am now back among the gainfully employed. It isn’t the ultimate dream job of a Zombie Vampire Hunter but few things are and that is a hard field to get into if you don’t look good in leather pants. Which I have been told several times I do not. I have to say I am enjoying my new job a lot, especially the fact that my team is a rag-tag group of misfits in the vein of The A-Team minus the kick-ass van. That thing is hard to find, though. Good times so far, hopefully more to come and even more hopefully a Christmas party in which I can pull off some karaoke.
Wicked Was….Well, Wicked.
I mean that in the best way possible. It was AWESOME this year (Depending on how you look at it)! I got better seats this time because we were at the top of the orchestra section but in 2007 I was able to look down Glinda’s dress for the whole show so…I kind of consider it a push IMHO. I have to say this, very few things never get old. “Defying Gravity” is one of them. The other? The Humpty Dance:
If anyone has video of Zach and I karaoking to the Humpty Dance at NDK 2008…I NEED THAT SHIT! Either way, I had a fun time with a fun lady (Sushi Han is THE SHIT, SON!) and it made up for a really chaotic year of douchery, asshatery and new friends that helped me not snap about it. I’m up to seven!
I STILL Hate Douchebags.
Yes, Copper they were in hiding for a while but for some reason they seem to be making a comeback. It was a good five months or so when Baglash occurred and they were exiled back to the Jersey Shore and their frat houses for a while but something VERY FUCKING WRONG has happened and now they are getting their own shows and even becoming more of a celebri-douche than before. Have you seen the cast of Tool Academy? Now I am ashamed to admit I watched an episode or two, mostly because of my hatred of the women THAT STAYED WITH THEM but to each their own when it comes to affairs of a created reality as I am living proof. One thing I noticed is that all the people on that show were in some way shape or form some kind of douche. Whether it was a Black-Douche, Bro-Douche, Redneck-Douche or Guido-Douche (THE WORST OF ALL THE DOUCHES!) they were all obviously fuckwits and yet for some reason…they are captivating for people. Not just women, but network execs that think we as Americans give a shit about the exploits of a douche. I mean I do when they ruin a good time at the bar due to their homophobic-based bravado and violence. Remember: If you SAY “no homo” then you ARE a homo. It’s science, deal with it and quit being such a asshat by starting a fight that oddly enough ends up being a bastardized MMA fight which is homoeroticism at its finest unless you are a professional. Needless to say, douchebags STILL piss me off and that will not change until they all die of hair gel poisoning or we blow up the Jersey Shore. YEAH, I SAID IT.
I Think…I Have Gotten Too Old For Video Games.
So aside from Final Fantasy XIII, God of War III and Adventures of Lolo: Battle For Egg Island (Okay, the last one I made up but you KNOW IT WOULD KICK ASS) I am not excited for any video game coming out in the next year or so. I couldn’t give a shit about Call of Duty (Oddly enough, so many people are against war but are sure as hell more than willing to battle on the intarweb) or Halo and aside from Uncharted 2 (Which I gave up for a while because I got one of those job things that so often cut into my gaming time again) I haven’t even really played a video game aside from Little Big Planet (Which got real old real quick for me. I am sorry, but side-scrollers were better in the 90’s) and Blaze Blue which gave me an ass-kicking something proper like. I even caught myself using the line “Back in my day, games were really GAMES! None of this fake guitar and drums bullshit!” and I realized I had become one of them. The old people that pine for the old days when people had live bands and dancing involved a line and Don Cornelius:
I have officially become one of those people. I miss the days of two buttons, saving the princess. Blast processing and gloves that moved cars…kinda. That movie lied to us all. It was a beautiful lie, though. A beautiful lie.
Oh, I haven’t updated the Countdown on the blog in about a month because of my YouTube Channel but here is the latest one for those of you that are still watching. All three of you.
BTW, I am rocking it in HD now on the Tu-Ube! Well, I am back for now and it is good to be here. I will have more updates, I promise. The Omnibus is returning so if you have questions you want answered, lay them on me. Until the next post, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
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