Cheating: The Only Time It Is Cool Is At The Beginning Of Contra...

So I just spied this on Yahoo and thought it was HIL-AIR-EE-US!

Four Ways To Know If Your Man Will Cheat!

Yeah…no.

Predictor #1: His Background

If your man seems to have sailed through life without ever hitting the rough waters that rock the rest of us, beware. Privileged chaps tend to suffer from a sense of entitlement (read: bratty-boy syndrome), so he may believe that the rules don't apply to him. He's so used to getting what he wants, why should he stop now?

Hmm, this is a very interesting thought process. Aside from the fact it is generalizing men (Something women demand WE don’t do of them but they do all the time of US) it also brings in a certain aspect about the gender bias that women never fight because it is in their favor. Why is it okay for a woman to always demand SHE gets what she wants and it is normal. If a man fights for anything, he is seen as selfish. Or at least a jerk. Don’t even get me started on entitlement because the only people that think they are more entitled to shit they didn’t earn aside women (Harrison Ford, anyone?) are Black people. Yeah, I went there. As for rules, not only do women feel the rules don’t apply to them they seem to make them as they go along. Dealing with women in anything aside from a swift pop to the mouth is like playing Calvinball without the fun. W00T! Calvin and Hobbes reference! I honestly understand the process behind the statement because I have seen dudes that act like it is a privilege for women to be around him because…I really don t know but hey, if that is your swag then you got it like that. However, women act the same way (Actually worse) and we as men are expected to take it. All the power, none of the responsibility.

Predictor #2: His Career

• Does he work mostly with women?
• Is he always logging in late hours, whether it be at the office, at dinner with clients or on business trips?
• Does he make a lot of money?

It's great to date a guy with ambition -- and his deep pockets definitely don't hurt when he brings you pricey baubles -- but the office environment can open the door to private meetings of the carnal kind. According to Glass, studies show that when men cheat, it's most often with a work colleague. "Not only are people with similar interests side by side on a daily basis, but the time they spend together is usually when they're most energetic and look their best."

God…read that first line. Am I the only person that is beginning to think that Ike and OJ had it right…and left cross? As one that kind of lived this let me explain something to women right now: it isn’t uter-you, its UTER-US. Let me explain. If you are dating someone then USUALLY it is a partnership and he does what he does to bring home in some way or form the fruits of his labor to you. So what I don’t get about this is the fact that women will stay with a man for the money if his career is profitable enough. Also, take my word for it on this one too: dating at work usually ends poorly. I mean, if Monica and Bill couldn’t find love in the White House then what make you think your boyfriend/husband and his co-worker will? Also, any man that thinks that fooling around with a co-worker is a good idea is a dipshit. And I am their leader with a gun and flag. Yep, I was a dumbass and I speak from experience. Again, I understand the concern but just because he is working late and happens to have female co-workers doesn’t mean he is fucking her. Blowjobs are the sexual act of choice at work. Oh, that was your eye, baby! GIGGITY!

Predictor #3: Smoozing

• Can he talk his way out of anything (parking tickets, rolling into work late)?
• Does he make an effort to charm everyone -- your coworkers, your older sister, a saleswoman?
• When you go to parties, does he insist on making the rounds?

Your friends and family love him, and he always manages to keep you entertained. How could you not adore him? But according to Glass, sweet-talkers often have a deep need for approval and thrive on attention. So what's wrong with dating a really friendly fella? Well, sometimes a smooth operator's need for the spotlight can't be satisfied by one woman's ego-stroking. And if he's suave with the ladies, opportunities undoubtedly arise. "Charmers meet a lot of women and win them over easily," says Aumiller. "So even if his intentions aren't more than friendship, they might be willing to move beyond friendship, and that's hard to resist."

Okay, I will admit this can be deceiving. Having to talk to a lot of high-level (Read: DOUCHEBAG MCGEES) and meet with them now and again in my jobs I learned to talk the talk. Which means that you have to have the “Honkey Laugh” and of course be charming to the point you want to beat yourself with a meat cleaver in the balls to counteract the pain of being a douchebag to close your big deal. So ladies, sometimes it comes with the job, we don’t WANT to be a smooze but it come with the territory. Just like when you date a boxer he might just punch the shit out of you. Or any man on drugs for that matter. They will usually fuck your ass up if you stop them from getting their 8ball.

Now as for making the rounds at parties. I for one hate people so it is beyond me why I am so skilled at this but I can be really approachable and a great listener when I don’t give a fuck. If I don’t know people at a party I will usually (READ: USUALLY) try to talk to everyone. Even female because if you don’t they think you are a dick. However, if you do you end up in the category that this article places you in: a player/flirt. I think that women still believe that when a man is talking to you that he is offering dick. First off, it aint all about you. Since I know if I don’t talk to someone I will end up snapping I don’t mind talking to another woman. Besides, what do I have to lose when I will never see your dumb ass again. Now I ran into this a few times when at parties I would make rounds and talk to everyone (including women) and even though it WASN’T in a sexual or come-hither manner my date took it that way or (EVEN WORSE) the women I spoke to took it that way. Which now has to switch the light back onto the women, here. Are women so simple as to be wooed by simple conversation (BTW, the answer is yes) to the point that either they are enticed by a taken man or fly into a rage when their boyfriend/husband does it? Now I for one on the flipside DIDN’T flip out and I totally should have because that was her ex (We live, we learn) but at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being cordial and women need to understand that (Opening a door for you doesn’t mean we want you to open your legs for us. Hard to accept I admit). In some cases I have to agree with this one because there is a thin line between being a people-person and being a whore. It usually involves anal.

Predictor #4: His Friends

• Does he usually hang out with a crew of mostly single guys?
• Do his friends encourage him to join them in just-for-men activities?
• Do his pals have problems staying in relationships?

The nightclubs, the bachelor parties, the dudes-only deeds we're better off not knowing the details of -- it's enough to make any woman worry just a wee bit. Although boys-will-be-boys, bonding time helps a committed man feel less, well, trapped, the appeals of bachelorhood may make him long to be a free agent. A recent study of 37,000 men and women showed that when guys see those around them splitting from their significant others, it tends to encourage them to do the same."

Okay, this was always funny to me. First off, for the majority of my life I have had my female friends outnumber my male friends because the only manly things I like are football and kicking puppies. You won’t see Rick going to Bed, Bath & Beyond with me. That shit is gay and we both know it so we don’t go together. Even when I DO go out to the clubs (And it has been a minute), very rarely do I go out of my way to converse with women. If conversation happens then I am not going to say “BITCH, BACK OFF! I’M TAKEN DEVIL WOMAN!” but I am not going to see if I can get her to let me in her gullyhole. For the most part (Aside from my bro and Black friends) when I go out, I hang out with the people I left with and we mingle with some others that come off as non-douches. I think that judging someone by their company is stupid. I mean, there are a lot of you women that have really slutty friends that are down to fuck any dude with the common sense to know that women love Long Island Iced Teas more than H2O and yet you say “oh, I don’t flirt like SHE does” when we all know that shit is false. Flashback, my bad. Oh, and some of you reading this ARE that slutty girl and to you I say great job. Whores like you keep dumb niggas and bros buying drinks and keep the economy moving. Whores are the REAL heroes.

Quite simply this last one has merit, just like all of them. As usual, it’s the REASON that is lost. And the reason for the season is pleasing! That and I like reading these. They are funny, just like Fox News. Well, I am out because I have to fucking work tomorrow like it is fucking communist Russia or some shit. I will try to be up tomorrow night and I think I will finish up the 2008 Chachi Music Awards Nominee Special on Sunday after the Falcons/Chargers game. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Pardon Me While I Burst....INTO ANGER!

Aw, yeah! Eight years of bullshit and George Walker Bush finally did something the fuck right! After seven years in jail for…not…having $1.4 million in liquid cocaine and trying to smuggle it through customs, rapper John Forte is finally free! You don’t know who he is? Oh, well that is to be expected. He used to hang out with The Fugees and that other guy. I think he was the hustleman on my street. Man, that dude had the hook-up on EVERYTHING. Anyway, it is nice to see that having drugs and cooking it up like Krispy Kremes and dishing it out to the inner city is less horrible than DOG FIGHTING. Yes, Michael Vick was ALSO up for a Presidential pardon but he didn’t get one. What the fuck?! How many touchdown passes has John Forte thrown?! How many times has John Forte murdered the Minnesota Vikings defense?!:

BTW, I was watching that on TV and I lost my shit. The guy couldn’t hit the broad side of a doghouse with a dead pitbull but man he was one hell of an athlete. Yet we will never see it because killing humans with drugs isn’t as bad as giving dogs a chance to learn a trade. It was like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force said: Mike Vick was like a man that sees his neighborhood crumbling so he builds a youth center to get underprivileged youths of the street...and then makes them fight in illegally sanctioned cage matches for a pre-discussed fee. Is that so wrong?! Is that so illegal?! You damn right it is and THAT’S WHY HE DESERVED A PARDON! That way, the Falcons can trade him for draft picks! You see, it all works out well! Atlanta gets draft picks, Mike Vick goes free and more dogs are taken out of the mean city streets and taught the sweet science of underground, illegal caged dogfighting! Everyone one wins!

Listen, I am against seeing dogs get hurt as much as the next man but until they approve interspecies caged combat this is ALL WE HAVE! I would rather see the epic battle of two natural enemies like a bear vs. shark showdown but PETA gets all pissy about that kind of thing. As usual PETA, much like the ACLU, NOW, NAACP and those pussy ass Planeteers:

Are fucking up the fun for the rest of us. Another thing, why is John Forte free when a certain other rapper is not? Barack Obama, I DEMAND you do the right thing and one up GW Bush. When you take office, your first order of business should be the economy, the second should be taking over Turkey (YOU KNOW WHY!) and your third order of business should be to do the right thing. You should…

FREE SHYNE!

All he did was keep it real and try to protect the man that signs his checks! Is that so wrong?! AND HE STOPPED SNITCHING! As all you ignorant ass niggas know, snitching is not the cool thing to do! Unless it means saving your own ass in which you sing like Angela Winbush. Yeah, I’m kicking it old school. Either way, someone needs to make it happen. While you are at it, PUT R.KELLY’S NASTY ASS IN JAIL! I’m through playing around with that nasty motherfucker.

What do you mean by teenager?! NIGGA WHAT?! Even PEDO BEAR DOES NOT APPROVE! Remember, peeps:

+

= EPIC WIN

while....

+

= TAKE A SEAT OVER HERE, MR. KELLY…CUZ U’VE BEEN V&!

Well, I am so out. I’ll be back up tomorrow night or Wednesday. Or something, none of this matters.

Chachi Out

Uncle Ben: Molding Heroes And Making Dinner Complete Since 1948...

What is up, people?! I am back for a Sunday night update which is rare seeing as how early I have to wake up now. What can I say; I truly love the peeps.

You know one thing I haven’t done in a long ass time? Rant. It has been at least five months since I have sat back, put my mind to it and really just laid someone out with my anger. I think my last rant was against bros and well…they seem to be going away. Except where I work but that is a conversation for another day and time. I will just say this, right here and right now:

ULTIMATE FRISBEE = TOTALLY GAY

I mean balls deep in the brown sea gay. Anyway, I have kept rather quiet about the national elections solely for the fact that although I didn’t really matter who won, I just didn’t want the Irish fuck to win. Nothing personal, I just don’t like old, Irish men. Don’t even get me STARTED about a woman in the White House. The only place a woman should be in the White House is behind a stove, on her knees, or being wrapped up in a carpet to be tossed into a river, Kennedy style. Oh yeah…I said it.Therefore, the loss by John McCain and Sarah Palin was very sweet to me because I didn’t want to see the modern day version of Archie Bunker and Fran Dresher running the country. I would rather have not had the mulatto (Mmm…delicious cookie) and the other old honkey cracker win but as Jesus Christ will tell you, we can’t win them all. Either way, I win and White people lose. Therefore, it is an EPIC WIN for me. But I have to say...White folks are REALLY TRIPPIN about this one. I haven’t seen White people this mad since Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken. Here is the thing about that; Clay Aiken turned out to be as gay as the American flag is tacky (Yeah, I said it! The flag is too busy! A few less stars and some more bling blong would hip it up) and if there is one thing that Conservatives hate it is a cocktail…fruit. Which is doubly sweet for me because whenever a gay gets married, baby Jesus cries. I mean, can it GET ANY FUCKING BETTER?! Still pissed off about California and Prop 8 but once again, you can’t win them all. Unless you are Rick Astley.

So enough on that. I just had to comment on the inability for White people to take a loss with dignity like every Black boxer that lost to Rocky Marciano did. All…three. Back on the lack of ranting. A lot of it has been about a REALLY SHITTY FALL (August to October was the worst time ever) but for the most part my rants have been cut back because it seemed like I ranted about the same thing over and over again. It was either about:

1. Bros
2. Niggas
3. Women
4. Jesus
5. Phillip Michael Thomas

There were some video game rants tossed in there for good measure but for the most part I was ranting about variations of the exact same subject which is fine because I always thought it was fun and the peeps seemed to enjoy it. Then I began to notice something. Women took my rants way too literal. Whether they touched a little too close to home or they felt I was talking about them (Which odds are if you THINK I was talking directly to your dumb ass then I was. You know who you are and you know what I mean) there were times that it felt like my rants were being taken as a direct insult to them and their person.

Well, first off you would be wrong to assume that. I am making a judgment by your ACTIONS as women (And in some cases in the blog individual females themselves and their dipshittery) because I have learned that motive is in the person and you really can’t judge what that is because with women, a lot of time THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR MOTIVE IS. You can say I am wrong, but if your motive for staying with someone who treats you like shit is fear then I am sorry but your logic is flawed. As is the justice system but once again, you can’t win them all. So if you are a female out there and you think that what I have to say about the actions of women is unfair then stop being idiots and go from there. It’s like I say about rappers: if you don’t want people to say rap is violent and misogynistic then stop shooting at each other and sluttifying women in your videos. You don’t want to be considered a whore, STOP FUCKING RANDOM DUDES. I don’t see what is so hard about that.

Which leads me to a rant (See, you knew this was leading SOMEWHERE). Friday night on my way home (or it may have been Saturday) I was talking to a friend about a conversation I had with a certain someone about the concept of drunken club love. You know what I mean so I won’t even go into it more. What concerned me is her response when I stated that when to drunk people have sex, they are both evenly at fault for being dumb enough as man and woman to get themselves into that situation in the first place:

“No, it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault!”

Are you fucking shitting me? Ladies, I need some clarification in this one because I find it hard to believe that YOU STILL BELIEVE that “the man should know to stop” is a logical defense for stupidity. It is 2008 now and it is completely illogical with as much information that is out there and how smart and strong women claim to be that they still believe that they don’t have to take responsibility for the choice of drinking or illogical actions. Now the first thing that she said when I called the concept of blaming the man completely “illogical” is that “a man should know better not to take advantage of a woman when she is drunk!” and while I have PERSONAL VIEWS about that shit (Ask me if you really want to know but for the sake of this rant I will bypass them) let’s really look at this. Now if you read this thing or know me at all you know I think that the act of rape is reprehensible. It is a horrible crime. However, much like I feel that blatant racism is disgusting I also know that there are people out there that will use the aspect of racism for their own means. Whether it is a buffer for a lack of talent (Some Black quarterbacks out there) or as a reason for being passed over despite being grossly unqualified. I find using racism as an unfair advantage even WORSE than actual racism because I honestly believe no one wants to question it. Let’s parallel this and say I never want to question a woman’s word when she says she has been raped but as the story unfolds, you have to ask yourself something:

At what point do you hold yourself accountable for questionable actions?

Now understand this: two drunk people having sex is just two drunk people having sex. Period. It isn’t rape or anything else. It is two fucktards not having the common sense to know that your mind is chemically altered when you drink and your thoughts are clouded. It isn’t his fault for going along with it and saying “you know, she can’t really stand up so maybe doing it in the butt is okay!” as much as it isn’t HER fault for ending up wherever she was when it happened or even better having that fourth Long Island Iced Tea. I will say it again: it’s like two drunk drivers getting in an accident with no one else on the road. You can’t blame the one with the lower BAC or the more experienced driver. They are both at fault and they live with the consequences. Now you can go to civil court and sue for damages but where is the logic in that when your drunk ass hit someone elses drunk ass? Same with two people having drunken sex whether it is on a date (To which I say if I take you to dinner and you eat it up, uh, you going home with me) or just a random encounter at a club (To which I say if I buy you a drink and you drink it up then, uh, you going home with me). I’ll let Jermaine Dupri tell it:

All kidding aside, mostly because I don’t buy women drinks. Bitches don’t deserve the nog. The whole point of this post is because I really want to understand the thought process about this. It seems like all women say the same thing about this situation and it is dumbfounding. Especially when I compare it to two drunk drivers because they say it isn’t the same when it is. I mean at what point does responsibility for ones actions come into play? YES you have the right to go out and have a good time. YES you have the right to drink (Once you turn 21, so if you are under the age of 21 and alcohol is involved in any of your activities you are on your fucking own if ANYTHING happens to you that isn’t forced) to your liver’s content and flirt and grind on any “cute guy” you see. You know what? You have to accept the task of being RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR DAMN ACTIONS. Yes you CAN do all of those things but you also need to make sure you know where you are doing it and who you are doing it with. You can’t just make stupid decisions (And yes, drinking a drink you didn’t see poured or leaving a club/party with someone you don’t know is a STUPID DECISION) and after the fact blame everyone else. I have made some dumb ass choices and you know who I blame for them? ME!

I am not saying to hole yourself up in a bubble. As a woman you shouldn’t have to quarantine yourself to stay safe from perverts and rapists. However, look at things logically. If you DON’T bring undo attention to yourself in random places by drinking enough to take out Sam Kinison (Bless his drunk, coked out funny as fuck dead ass) and yelling out “I’M SO DRUNK” as you stagger around showing half the place your gully hole, that is half the battle right there. It is possible to go out and drink responsibly without hanging on an unsavory crowd that may want to cause you harm. Rather than do THAT, some women deem it necessary to do what they want and when they want even if it means putting themselves in situations that a rational person would not. Women want to live like men but not accept the consequences of being a fucking asshat. One thing about living like a man is that you fuck up A LOT and you have to live with the shit without much (If any) sympathy for your dumb ass actions. Is that REALLY how you want to live, ladies? Constantly doing dumb shit? If it is then continue to live by the credo that it is someone else’s fault. If you do that, you are no better than Al Sharpton. And I am sure you don’t want that.

Well, I will do another rant this week as I believe I am working remote Wednesday and Friday. Happy Thanksgiving if I don’t see you again by Thursday!

Chachi Out

The King Is Back...Again...For The Second TIme...

Well, my first week at my new job has come and gone and I have to say it isn’t bad at all. The drive is UGH but next week is Thanksgiving and after that I can take the bus and work on getting up there permenantly. But that will NOT change the fact that every Friday you come here to see the biggest videos on the planet. And I give them to you once again!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

First off, let’s look at the videos that are no longer with us with Falling Out:

FLOW – WORLD END (Peaked at #2)
Fonzworth Bentley feat Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (Peaked at #1 for Two Weeks)

I AM STILL WAITING FOR SOME NEW FONZWORTH! Well, let’s get started with a new video that may just be the catchiest song this year not by the Wonder Girls!

20. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (New Entry)

Okay, first off it is about time! Ikimonogakari is back and all I have to say is this song is stuck in my head after three listens. The video is just…old school Nintendo goodness! I tell you, J-Pop is on its way to topping my list of favorite music and videos like this is why. I dare artists in America to do this!
19. John Legend feat Andre 3000 – Green Light (Last Week #16, One Week at #1)
John Legend has a new video! I believe it is out now and I am sure it is awesome! On another note, why has Andre 3000 not graced me with his own album?! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
18. Paramore – Decode (New Entry)

Okay, I am getting sick of this “Twilight” bullshit. It is “Harry Potter” for dumb girls and that is fine but keep it out of my TV and off of my foosball. However, I guess I can tolerate it because it means Paramore is back! Can I get a woot?!
17. Big Bang – Number 1 (Last Week #15)
Big Bang falls two spots this week as I wonder if boy bands will ever rule the world again? I mean Asia is trying but we need more of this! I mean, I could do without SMAP (Ugh…) but the rest are palatable. The more funky fresh dances the better!
16. Yuna Ito – Miss You (Last Week #13)
Yuna Ito falls this week as we move on. Can I just say that the females in J-Pop are FINALLY creating some differences between them? For a while I couldn’t tell them apart musically but they are coming into their own I must say.
15. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (Last Week #19)
Halcali is moving up this week! It has been a while since they have been on here and I am still trying to turn this one into a ringtone but odds are I will be getting a new phone next week so the point becomes a tad bit moot. This will be one of the first ones on the new phone, though.
14. UVERworld – Koishikute (Last Week #12)

The World falls this week however you mustn’t feel sad…
13. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (Last Week #17)…because they are moving back up! Okay, do the math: GUNDAM + UVERWORLD = FUCK THE WORLD. Get it? Got it? Good.
12. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #10)
Miss Hyori falls from the Top 10 as her fall run of dominance seems to be over. She got a Chachi Video Award and maybe even a few Chachi Music Awards nominations as well. Tune in next weekend!
11. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #9)
“Quantum of Solace” wasn’t bad. It wasn’t GREAT, but it was very watchable. Alicia’s newest song was playing during the intro and I have to say I have never been a fan of the intros. Except “Die Another Day” which sadly had Madonna but you can’t win them all.
10. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #14)

YUI is looking to break her SIX VIDEO STREAK of no number one videos as she moves into the Top 10 for the fourth time of 2008, behind only Kanye West. So…have I told you that I love you today because I so do…
9. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #6)
The King falls a big three spots this week as we move along. Also, Rihanna isn’t pissing me off as bad so much anymore. Although it is mainly because my distain for Beyonce has grown so much but someone has to benefit from my hate. I guess it is her.
8. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #11)

Okay, give me some damn news girl! I have no idea where the hell your album is and I am waiting patiently! Until then, BoA moves up three big spots to number 8 and into the Top 10 for the first time ever! It is about damn time, woman!
7. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)
After looking like they were going to bounce back yet again, Hearts Grow falls two spots this week and out of the Top 5 for the first time in over two months. Can I just say that I am tired of them not having a real album, rather than just mini-albums? What is with that, Japan? MAKE IT HAPPEN!
6. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #7)

HAMC moves up a single spot this week as they hang on for the last time. It has been a great year for them and looks to be a great sendoff for one of my favorite bands out there. For shame…
5. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #8)
BI IS BACK! He has his fourth Top 5 video, but his first since 2006 and all I have to say is it has been a LONG TWO YEARS! “Rainism” should have been nominated for the Best Dance Video but it didn’t make it in time. It WILL be nominated next year, though!
4. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
After holding on to the runner up spot last week, the Wonder Girls fall two spots. I wonder if they are going to come at us with something new or not. The disco version of this song is a tad bit of overkill IMHO. Just saying. We are down to three!
3. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

We have a new number one! After two weeks and a meteoric rise, Kanye falls two spots to number three this week. His album is out next week and supposedly his new video should be here any day now. I am so hoping it is “Coldest Winter” but I don’t call the shots.
2. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #3)

Kumi Koda is one step away! It has been a while since she has been this high and is it possible that the first artist with the first official number one video (Before UVERworld knocked her off) in Countdown history FINALLY takes back what is hers? Well, we will have to see and to do so she will have to knock off arguably the biggest artist in the Countdown’s history!
1. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)

T.I. is back on top! This gives him his second number one video of 2008 and his fourth all time! He even brought along Rihanna with him which I guess is a good thing. This song is now my favorite after a long battle of not wanting to embrace a rap song that sampled “The Numa Numa Song.” I mean…IT’S THE NUMA NUMA SONG! Either way, they are on top!

That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if T.I. and Rihanna can make it two weeks in a row! Or can Kumi Koda finally recapture the top? Or will Kanye West return to lockdown the throne? See you in seven to find out!

Well, I’m out. I am going to scope out the Korean karaoke spots in Denver tonight to see if I can Rickroll another zip code. Rickrollin around Colorado, fools! If anyone is down, let me know and you can meet me or we can go halfsises. Until Sunday, peace out ya’ll!

Chachi Out

Oooohhhh, Let's Post Again! Like We Did Last Spring!

Okay, I posted this blog in March of this year because I was getting really irritated with the niggerdom of women. Then it hit me that women had become the niggas of 2008 much like Bros had taken their spot (I may re-post that blog tomorrow) as being whiney, stupid fuckwits that have no concept that self-respect is SELF-RESPECT. But that is beyond the point. So, in my ultimate wisdom (And uber-exaustion) I have reposted one of my favorite rants of 2008: Women are the new niggas. Re-read, relive and enjoy yo self.

So yesterday Zach and I had a very insightful conversation about that bimbo game that was made in England (Brits…like sober Japanese people) and we were talking about how women always claim to be “exploited” and “portrayed unfairly” when LITERALLY half the time these images are either being created or perpetuated by women themselves. How many times have women claimed that they are made to live up to an naturally unattainable version of beauty that is created and reinforced by men yet women THEMSELVES are creating fashion lines that cut off the circulation to their legs and creating bras that lift and separate to the point that your breasts need a tourniquet? What really irks me is the fact that the rational that women give that “well, at least it is a woman making the money rather than a man!” Wow, that is some niggerish logic right there.

Wait a minute…EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!

Women are the new niggas.

It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps….

Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!

Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.

Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.

Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.

Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!

Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.

Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.

Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.

Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability Blacks (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass, but mostly Blacks), it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon.

Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time. However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?! Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?

Well that is just fricking peachy! THIS is why women are in this state right now. I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never….EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.

Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.

This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.

WOMEN

I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?

You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment. Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes….just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.

Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.

At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar too.

Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps or peeps that I am down to right for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!

Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.

Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I will watch some Kelun:

Now THAT’S music. You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:

1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. But both women and Black dudes have an asinine amount of sunglasses. And they always have to tell you about them. Whether it be “OMG, look at my new sunglasses!” or “Nigga, check this shit out!” they both love them more than…actual fashion
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants; quit being a fashion deficient dipshit.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. Hey work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books.

Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:

• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your lame ass memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & j-pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and the JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design: I Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of a pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.

In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon.

I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it? Anyway, if you are a Black woman…you are kind of on the outside looking in. There is always Asians!

Well, that pretty much sums it up. If you disagree with this then you are either a dumb bitch or a nigga and either way need to STOP BEING A DUMBASS. It cures alot of shit. I will be back with the Countdown on Friday and a recap of my first week of work odds are on Sunday night. Stay up, ya'll and bundle up! It's gonna be a cold night so get by the fire!

Chachi Out

Beyonce: Fucking Up My Comic Book World Since Last Thursday.

Okay, first things first. I think that beatings should be delivered to ANYONE that holds up 4 MILES WORTH OF TRAFFIC to look at the aftermath of an accident. I mean seriously, what the fuck are you accomplishing by douching up the highway? It’s rude and fucks up everyone’s day. Dickweeds.

On a completely other front, I read on the intarwebz that Beyonce wanted to be cast as “Wonder Woman.” Yes, the DC Comics badass Wonder Woman. To a lesser extent, the invisible jet flying, spinning, Lynda Carter Wonder Woman:

Um…I must be the ONLY person to not find that hot, rather really stupid. Now put me some Sara Varone in that outfit and WE GOTS BUSINESS. However, what pisses me off is her dumb ass fucking reason of WHY her ass should be Wonder Woman:

“I want to do a superhero movie and what would be better than Wonder Woman? It would be great. And it would be a very bold choice. A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing. It’s time for that, right?”

…..okay, first off the answer is no. It is NOT FUCKING TIME for a marginally talented singer cum actress to become one of the few female comic book icons that wasn’t Black. Now as you may know, or if you don’t know I don’t fucking CARE, I am kind of a comic book purist. I like my Captain America to be White, my Green Lantern to be Black (Yes, John Stewart is the best one. COME GET SOME, COMIC BOOK NERDS!) and my Wonder Women to be…I dunno…GREEK? Yes, I know the Greek are a very swarthy people and they are a stone’s throw away from being Turks. However, I see no need for Beyonce to even THINK that she should be Wonder Woman. For several reasons:

1. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. Beyonce may have a big ass but she is not an imposing presence. You are talking about someone that has taken on Hades, Asmodel, Doomsday, Darksied (I believe, someone correct me on that if needed) and even Pale Martians. The worst KIND of Martians aside from the Irish Martians. Drunk little anal probers.
2. Wonder Woman was a Warrior. Should would kill Xena without even looking twice and whipped up on Superman. Give her a sword and a compass and she could kill a Kraken. Beyonce has only killed tight jeans and The Pink Panther. The latter…not in a good way. I do not want to see Beyonce fighting in a realistic aspect.
3. Wonder Woman was Greek…kinda. Created of clay (Yes, TAN clay but still clay) she is not Black. Not even half-Black. Hell, until she met John Stewart and Vixen, she had never met Black people I am sure. You can say “well, it is time for a Black Wonder Woman!” to which I respond “IT IS TIME FOR A WONDER WOMAN, JACKASS!” I also respond with “Black Punisher.” Look it up; it sucked and set the Civil Rights Movement back another two years.

The long and short of it is that Beyonce sure as fuck better not play Wonder Woman. The fact she played the race card (She did, it is right there in her dumbass quote) completely discounts the character itself and quite simply a fucked over comic book community that I have to say probably doesn’t WANT her to be Wonder Woman. Ask any of the writers and artists and I would figure they would be against putting her in because she can’t act, she looks nothing like Wonder Woman and most importantly CAN’T FUCKING ACT! Wonder Woman isn’t Shakespeare but it sure as fuck deserves better than some dumb bitch that has such a range of songwriting ability (Or songwriting acceptance because I aint sure she writes her own music) with the ability to pen “Freak ‘Em Dress” and “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.” Yeah, THAT says female empowerment and the embodiment of a goddess. Screams jackass to me. She plays Wonder Woman, we boycott.

That’s all for now. I will try to get something up for Thursday night and the Countdown on Friday. Oh, and don't forget: Soju party downtown on Saturday! GET YO ASS DOWN THERE, BITCHES!

Chachi Out

Kicking It Old School....Circa 2007. YOU SUCKAZ!

Can you say WINTER REPEAT?! BECAUSE I CAN!!

Check it out, from April of 2007. Here is some Classic Chachi

Anyway, I have had several discussions with a friend of mine about how men suck and women are stupid. Now I have given testimonials and irrefutable evidence of how women function on an illogical process of “All the power with none of the responsibility.” However, the question is what makes them like that? Well, I have proven that how they are brought up is a huge reason why a majority are like that (some mothers that teach daughters poorly about what men are, some fathers that don’t teach their daughters PERIOD, society and of course THE MEDIA) but the real reason is simple:

MEN ARE FUCKTARDS

There, I said it. This isn’t an attempt to apologize for what I have said in the past because I have proven that women are succubi several times. However, the a major catalyst for their stupidity and irrational and illogical actions are the fact that a GREAT MAJORITY OF MEN MAKE THEM THAT WAY! I have had to sit back for the last…shit 10 years or so and listen to my female friends complain, bitch and cry about how their boyfriends (and in some cases husbands which makes me uncomfortable like nothing else) treat them like crap and don’t address their concerns or feelings. After listening for a while I lost pity on them because they all said the same thing when I said ‘Well then quit putting up with it and leave!’

‘But we have so much history!’

First, Zach put down the gun. Put it down, we can shoot people later! I have a point to make. This puts it all in a nutshell. Jerks treat women like shit because they can. You see, women crave attention. It is true, don’t deny it. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what KIND of attention it is. So if a man shows jealousy or is constantly letting you cause drama some women stay because they see that as growth of a relationship rather than a total regression to like the first grade. I have yet to completely grasp why women stay with jerks for so long but I guess it is stability. Wait, jerks don’t have jobs. They bum off their girlfriends and borrow their cars; that’s what makes them jerks. Wait, jerks cheat, don’t pay attention, treat them like idiots and verbally and even physically abuse (Yeah, when I heard about shit like that it made me want to regulate. Lo Pan style) women. So what makes them stay?

I know I say that I joke about everything, and domestic abuse is no exception (In old country, to beat is to love!). So lets put this into perspective. The first thing is that unless he is a total fucktard, no man is a joke from the beginning of a relationship. I have seen some where the dude is just a jerk from jump street and it is sad because some women just accept it as normal. A man will start off as normal and nice, but after a few weeks he may show some jerk qualities. At that point, women don’t do anything about it (questioning why he hasn’t called in three days or why he never answers the phone when it rings. Sounds intrusive but we are at war, some civil liberties need to be violated to keep us safe) and all of a sudden you have been dating a dude for five plus years that is constantly ignoring you and when he isn’t ignoring you he is treating you like shit. Congratulations, you have just been Jerk’d.

At this point a woman either leaves him in a HUGE huff and a chip on her shoulder only to see that he has a new woman in less than two weeks. He was SO cheating on you and you let it slide! Or even WORSE he leaves YOU and makes it seem like it was your fault (‘You are being possessive’ or ‘Its just not working’) AND gets another woman to boot (usually uglier, which TOTALLY pisses you off) while you go on a ‘I don’t need no man!’ trip and live like Samantha and Carrie from Sex in the City. Guess what? You know why they rarely found love? BECAUSE THEY LIVED LIKE FUCKTARD MEN! So when you go out and you live like a fucktard, you find a fucktard. Then you get your heart broken again and again by the same type of man over and over until you are ruined and hate men altogether. Congratulations, ladies. You have been Jerk’d.

I have taken women to task for letting this happen several times. The fact is that the reason this happens is that men treat them this way. With women outnumbering men slightly and the majority of men (you know what, after being on the frontlines of this for about 5-8 years, I can say about 70%, if not 75% of men treat women poorly in some way shape or form) being idiots and jerks I can see why women are disheartened by the situation of being single. For years either they or their friends have been used, abused and all around screwed over by men. I always say being screwed over is a two party system but the fact is that it shouldn’t begin in the first place.

The majority of men that are screwing over women are making those in the minority look REAL bad. It is like slaves that knew how to read. Other slaves didn’t like them because they weren’t happy in the field being a slave (women) and whites didn’t like them because they were trying to change the ‘natural order’ of things (jerks). That analogy makes sense if you think about it, albeit rather offensive. You see, the majority of men are all about trying to get sex from women. It has been like that for a long time. Women have been ingrained since…birth that this is the case from their mothers, television, music, movies and society as a whole. Now as a man if your main goal is NOT to have sex with a woman, you are the exception not the norm and rules are made for the norm. Therefore to a woman, you must be lying and trying to get in her pants. So either way, no matter what you do, you are vilified just as much if not MORE than a jerk because they think you are a liar and a cheat and if Oprah said it, it must be true.

On the other side of the spectrum is the jerk. Now, I have had this discussion with jerks several times and when you say that you aren’t about sex they look at you like you broke the Code of Silence. Like you came out of the closet in a foxhole during heavy enemy fire. So then other men think something is wrong with you because you don’t think just like them. It is fucking irritating. The majority of jerks buy Axe body wash and Tag body spray because they believe that women really come running if you wear it. I’m serious, they BELIEVE the commercials! I have heard them talk to the opposite sex and it is just…just wrong. Now I honestly believe that the term ‘game’ is really just ‘lies and bullshit.’ I have heard what constitutes as ‘game’ and the majority of it is ripped off from rappers/comedians/date movies/pick-up line books. Hell, after about 10 seconds it usually breaks into the ‘Wah wah wah wah wahwahwah’ from Charlie Brown so I wonder if women really listen (I have heard yes and no from different sources) or if the whole ‘a woman knows whether she is going to have sex with you blah blah blah yakkity smackity’ thing is true. If so, it explains a LOT of divorces and break-ups. Because of this, having an actual conversation is hard because women expect a ‘Shawty, can I buy yo draaaaaank?’ rather than ‘So how do you feel the geopolitical climate in Ghana effects the continent of Africa?’ What can I say….I is lame.

Finally, jerks have not only killed conversation they have lowered the expectations. From what I have gathered, women expect so little from men that when you display any form of not being ‘derrrrp!’ they get rather confused. Men have come off over the years as being so sex-crazed, boob-obsessed, chest-thumping, sports-worshiping, woman-clubbing troglodytes that when you aren’t like that…they think something is wrong with you and that you are (once again) lying and TOTALLY want to get in their pants or that you are gay. Let me tell you something ladies…that would just be devine! Wouldn’t it be delightful if the reason I have so many problems with women is because I am a homosexual? Yeah…sadly it aint that easy. As my love for Yuna Ito has proven…I loves the ladies but the ladies don’t love me. It’s….a conundrum.

Now I am not going to sit here and give anyone tips on how to get a woman because I totally SUCK at it. I can teach you how NOT to get one or how to lose one. That’s where I’m a Viking! Even still, I think that the majority of fucktards are ruining it for the minority that just want to be normal. By screwing over women and treating them like crap (Even though we can all agree, deep down it is what they want. Hell, I’ve gone BACK to women to be treated like crap! It replaces the need for love!) you mess it up for all of us. The simple fact is that women do stupid things to normal guys for dick moves made by a jerk. Now you have a set of jaded men that seem like jerks but are just like you: frickin pissed off because they were hurt. See, men and women aint so different. I leave you with this:

“Inside Every Jaded Man…Is A Broken Heart”

Pretty much sums me up, right? :( More Classic Chachi posts and re-do's of old rants to come. I think it gives a new look to the stuff that a lot of the current readers (All...two...of you) may have missed in previous years. That and I am going to be tired A LOT for the next week or so until I get back in the swing of commuting. Well, I'm out. New post on Wednesday if I am not to tired from driving. Peace out, ya'll!

Chachi Out

Love Isn't Just Wonderful, It's Festive!

What is up, people?! I am back after a long ass day and all I can say is here we go again. Driving to Denver is going to be a bitch and a half for the next few days. But times are tough and work is work. Gotta do what cha gotta do and all. So, how’s by you? You doing good? That’s nice to hear!

So last week I ranted about the passing of Proposition 8 in California. Now I am hella pissed at gays right now for blaming Blacks and Latinos (And to a lesser extent the five Asians that vote) for its passing. First off, Black people are dumb. Seriously, have you SEEN “Chance Of Love?” THEM NIGGAS VOTED! Did you expect them niggas to vote FOR GAY MARRIAGE?! As for Latinos…yeah. Aside from Rebelde and Zorro I am indifferent. Yet most Latinos are Catholic which means it is okay to fuck a boy in the ass, you just can’t marry him when he is legal. Oh, I SO FUCKING WENT THERE! COME GET SOME!

Anyway, I missed Countdown with Keith Olbermann last week because…well, he is a pundit and unless you are Rachel Maddow or Mudkip (MUDKIP LIEKS YOU!) I really don’t like you. However, he kind of summed up what I said last week without the threats to the Mormon Church (of Fuckwitery) or constant f-bombs. FART YOU, FARTER! Anyway:

You know, I am not all anger and puppy punting. I mean, I am A LOT of anger and puppy punting but that isn’t all I’m about. In the end, I am all for people being happy. Especially if it means 1) more chances to sing “It’s Raining Men” at karaoke and 2) pissing off the Christians. This does both because if there is one song that will be sung at a wedding of two men, it is The Weather Girls:

Lesbians will have kick ass weddings as long as there is no Ani DiFranco. “31 Flavors was like 10 years ago, if not more. Everything else has sucked and you know it. In the end, gays can love and should be allowed to be married just like two straight people that hate each other can be. That is all about that for the time being. I am going to post a repeat either tonight or tomorrow because my earlier work is a lot funnier when I read it for a second time. It’s odd, I rarely read over my blogs for humor or content. I just look for spelling errors so I have to read them a second time to read what I actually wrote. Usually, I am offended. Well, it will be up in a bit. Until then, peace out.

Chachi Out

Being Average Ain't So Bad. Worked For 98 Degrees...

What is up peeps?! It is late, I have some sake & Sapporo in me and I have a huge question and/or favor to ask of you. So as some of you know (And the rest of you don’t) I have decided that the best way to tag mediocrity is to embody them with the band of their generation that matches their time. So mediocre things in the 80’s are Kajagoogoo:

As you can see, nothing really infuriating about that song but at the same time there is no way in fucking hell you would go out of the way to listen to it. Unless you liked being average in which I hope you love your Shasta and Arby’s. While in the 90’s they are referred to as Savage Garden:

As you can see, not really offensive to the point of making you shake a puupy. Yet, there is no what in hell you would want to listen to this if you had your choice in songs. It’s just…tolerable. However, I am having problems figuring out what to refer to the modern mediocre aspects of life are. Kelly Clarkson was a good idea (Thank you, Kase!) while YC brought in 3 Doors Down. I personally think that The Fray is the model of mediocrity:

They don’t excel in anything but at the same time; they really aren’t going to make you say that they are any better than let’s say a kick in the balls. Although if I have to hear “How To Save A Life” not on Scrubs one more time I will find your cat and rape you with it. I am not fucking joking; I am sick of that song out of context and it doesn’t make me sad so give the fuck up. He isn’t singing to you so shut the fuck up. It isn’t Evanescence’s “October” and it isn’t that much of a tearjerker so grow a spine and realize that your problems aren’t bigger than anyone else’s and if a song “totally captures your pain” then you are a fuckwit and you suck it dry. Yeah, I fucking went there and you SO KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, BITCH. Or not, I am just ranting.

Back to the point. Peeps, I need your help in figuring out what to call the mediocre in the 2000’s in terms of a band. I am considering All-American Reject but aside from that I am not sure. I ask of your input if you like. If not, eat a dick. Sorry, it’s late and I haven’t had my eggnog and rum. Heavy on the rum and double the nog. The only way to have it, bitches. I’m going to bed. Peace out, peeps.

Chachi Out

Rainism: Stop The Hatred Against The Rain!

Well, it is the last day of goofing off in the middle of the day so I bring you a extra bittersweet edition of….

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

First off, let’s look at the videos we are saying goodbye to this week with “Falling Out”:

NERD feat Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco & Pusha-T – Everybody Nose (Remix) (Peaked at #2)
Rain (Bi) – Love Story (Peaked at #16)

Sad to see you guys go, but that NERD video has been on here for like five months. DAMN! Well, let’s get started with a video on its way off the Countdown!

20. FLOW – WORLD END (Last Week #17)
FLOW looks to be on its way off the Countdown after a grand return this summer. Too bad I don’t get “Code Geass” because it looks like it could be good if it made sense. I will also say this is their best video since “Re:Member” without a doubt.
19. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (New Entry)

YES! After a LONG ASS WAIT (Over a year and a half!) Halcali is back! I used to be a closet Halcali fan after the GiriGiri Surf Rider dance and now I am a full-fledged stan. This song got me caring about Naruto again and fits the current arc very well. That and YES I have a thing for them. Leave me alone.
18. Fonzworth Bentley feat Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (Last Week #15, Two Weeks at #1)
Fonz looks like his run is over as well. It was a great year for all three men in this video as all three won Chachi Video Awards last Sunday. Now I just wait for a follow up, which may not come because no one even knows about this damn song.
17. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (New Entry)

Okay, this is the UVERworld that we need! It is about time they kicked it all “D-Technolife” on our bitch asses! Or at least “Colors of the Heart” on us. This video is rather simple but the they usually are and the song is where it is at! About damned time!
16. John Legend feat Andre 3000 – Green Light (Last Week #12, One Week at #1)
So I haven’t heard anything new from Outkast since…ever. I mean Big Boi is supposed to have a new album out but I have heard nothing from him since that song with MJB. Andre 3000 needs another album right the hell now!
15. Big Bang – Number 1 (Last Week #14)
Well, Big Bang is officially the hardest working band out there right now as they ALREADY have a new album out for their peeps. And it is back in Korean meaning that I don’t understand any of it. Just the way I likes it.
14. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #20)
YUI moves up six big spots this week as she not only returns with a new video but a new concept album! It sounds awesome so far, but once again nothing as bad ass as “Rolling Star” but maybe I am being unreasonable?
13. Yuna Ito – Miss You (Last Week #11)

Miss Ito falls two spots this week as I wonder exactly how long it will be until I play “All I Want For Christmas” to the point of getting stabbed? Yes, I like her version just as much as pre-batshit crazy Mariah Carey.
12. UVERworld – Koishikute (Last Week #10)
UVERworld falls two spots this week from the Top 10 as once again, they came close to knocking off the champ but continued the streak of being held back. Good news is that by most stretches of the imagination their new album should be released next month. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
11. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #13)

Okay, I am really beginning to like this video. The song I like but…she really better work on the rest of her English. I mean she didn’t sound too bad in interviews but this song is just broken like my heart after I found out she is going all Britney Spears on me to sell records. NO, BABY, NO!
10. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #6)
Miss Hyori falls four big spots this week as our Comeback of the Year winner begins the Top 10. It has been a big year for Miss Lee, and you are rest assured she will be nominated for the Chachi Music Awards later on this month. Too bad she is slowing down on me.
9. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #7)
Miss Alicia Keys falls two spots this week with her latest. It looks like she had a pretty big year but seems to be slowing down. Oh, can I also say she is damn fine?
8. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #16, Biggest Mover)

RAIN IS COMING AND IT DON’T STOP! Rain moves up eight spots this week into the Top 10 for the fourth time! However, can he get his first number one video since “Freeway” in 2006? If any video can do is, its Rainism. It’s like a Michael Jackson video!
7. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #10)
HAMC moves up three spots this week with their swan song. Here is hoping to at least a final album of half-greatest hits and half B-sides as a going away gift. I’m going to miss you!
6. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #4)

The King of the South falls two spots this week as we move on. It looks that once again, TI has two videos in the Top 10. You know, he may be behind only Kanye West for the best artist of the year all around. And T.I. isn’t a douche, just a dumbass.
5. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #3, Three Weeks at #1)
Hearts Grow’s rebound was short lived as they fall two spots back down to number five. They have been hanging around the Top 5 for a few months now which isn’t a shock but has maybe put them up there with the heavyweights of the Countdown. They belong now!
4. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #8)
TI and Rihanna are living their life into the Top 5 after only three weeks! I initially hated this song but it has grown on me and the video is different but not “different” which means it is better than about 75% of hip hop videos. I am looking at 50 Cent’s new on as an example. I so hate him. We are down to three!
3. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #5)

Kumi Koda is back in the Top Three! My original baby boo is taking back what is hers! Even better is the fact she has a new video and it is a BALLAD! You know how I feel about Kumi Koda when she sings a ballad. Makes me want to snoogle a kitten. Yes, I said snoogle.
2. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

The Wonder Girls are STILL hanging on! After relinquishing the top spot last week, they hold on to the runner-up spot once again! Can they knuckle up and make another run at the top spot? We will have to see because this week the champ stays the same!
1. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

For the second straight week, Kanye West tops the Countdown! After tagging along to win FIVE CMVA’s last Sunday I would have to say he is the biggest artist of 2008 not named Lil Wayne. I am still liking this video and I am interested to hear “808’s & Heartbreak” if not for the trainwreck then for the songs I like. Either way, he is on the top of the mountain once again.

That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday (Or late Thursday night, depends when I see myself getting home from work on Friday) to see if Kanye can make it three weeks in a row on top! Or will The Wonder Girls return to the top spot for a second week after a short hiatus? Or will Kumi Koda get her first number one video in almost THREE YEARS? Look out for T.I. & Rihanna, Rain and HIGH AND MIGHT COLOR, too! See you fools in seven!

Well, I am off to turn my Zune back in for warranty work (Trust me, a rant is coming about that shit) and head to the theater for the James Bond movie. Until next time peeps, stay up.

Chachi Out

George Michael: Seriously, Who DIDN'T Know He Was Gay In The 80's?

Okay, I have a question: HOW MANY VERSIONS OF “LAST CHRISTMAS” ARE TRULY NEEDED?! I mean I wanted to download the Cascada version (I lost it when I switched hard drives a few months back, I guess) and I saw these different remakes:

• Ashley Tisdale: Okay, you all know I have a soft spot in my heart (And a hard spot in my pants. WHOA, CAN I GET SOME?!) for the High School Musical cast because I love musicals but there are some people that should NOT touch this song. I’m sorry, baby. I love you but you are no George Michael. This version of the song…sounds like it should be in “High School Musical 4: Wildcats Christmas Vacation. Her voice isn’t good and it doesn’t do the song justice. However, it isn’t HORRIBLE, just not as awesome as the original.
• Carrie Underwood: NO. I don’t care if you liked that “When He Cheats” song or whatever the fuck it is called. I hate this bitch and I hate anything that comes out of her mouth. She is the female version of Jared Leto (Famous for no real reason, and should be attacked by rabid guinea pigs) and that mother fucker better NEVER cover last Christmas or I will skullfuck his cat. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, FUCKER. Do “The Kill” and nothing else…jackass. Anyway, as you can tell she sucks, country really sucks and combine the two with my favorite Christmas song and you have a recipe for auditory rape.
• Savage Garden: Okay, little known fact about me. Prepare yourself because this is a fucking doozy….I don’t hate Savage Garden. Now I don’t LIKE Savage Garden but I nothing they have done has ever pissed me off to no end, unlike Semisonic. I HATE “CLOSING TIME” SO STOP PLAYING IT BECAUSE YOUR SHITTY ASS BAR IS CLOSING FOR THE NIGHT! Although, if I am at a bar late enough to HEAR “Closing Time” then I guess I am the one with the problem. Either way, I downloaded this version and you know what? I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it. Copper, we are officially replacing Kajagoogoo with Savage Garden for the pinnacle of mediocrity. That’s what this song is: holiday season average greetings.
• Hillary Duff: You know what? I really thought I downloaded the Ashley Tisdale version twice. Seriously, their voices are that indistinguishable. What is even sadder is that neither one of them can sing. You know, none of these teen queens have a voice that is any different from the other. Vanessa Hudgens, Hillary, Ashly, Miley Cyrus, the chick from “Camp Rock” (Which I refuse to watch, I don’t care how gay I seem to be) and the chick that is banging the other Jonas Brother (Are they the new fucking Wayans? I mean seriously!) all sound the fucking same and I have to say it doesn’t bode well for the musical future. I mean, remember Debbie Gibson?:

She wrote AND sang her own songs…and stole my heart. WITH HER MUSIC! Either way, this version was really “meh” and I am pissed I wasted bandwidth that could have been more effectively used for porn. Lots of porn.
• Jimmy Eat World: Okay, I like Jimmy Eat World. Always have and oddly enough I really like this version of the song. There was a time I stopped listening to them (And is SO wasn’t because of a woman when I was in college…totally wasn’t) but I didn’t even know they made a version. I guess everyone has it is just about finding it but this is one of my favorites not done by Wham themselves.
• Taylor Swift: I so stand corrected. Taylor Swift is the new word for the mastery of mediocrity. I mean it is better than Carrie Underwood’s version but it’s just so…BLAH. I mean geez, say what you will about hip hop but at least they have interesting (Albeit dumb as shit) characters. I mean, you have a former drug dealer and...a former drug dealer. Wait…
• Crazy Frog: You know what? Fuck that little fucker. He ruined what sounded like it was going to be a pretty kick ass tune. Yes, the first 35 seconds or so of this song are great until the actual fucking frog shows up. Who in the hell thought that was a good idea, anyway?! How drunk must you be to think a talking frog is a good idea?! The only good talking frog is Dig’Em and that is only because he be diggin’ them Smacks!
• Rap Remix (WHO MADE THIS SHIT?!): HOOBA JOOBA WHA?! I don’t know who was on this monstrosity, but you need to be arrested for fucking up a classic! WHAT IN THE HELL?! My god, I may have to kill someone and drink their blood for sustenance to get past this piece of shit.
• Whigfield (Techno Remix): Hmm. You know, this version wasn’t BAD. I could totally see this playing right now in The Balcony in Boise (It was faboo, wasn’t it Copper? Ah, the lulz) but it is just a little too…techno. Not a lot but for a Christmas song it is a tad bit of overkill.
• Cascada: My favorite cover not called “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell. Seriously, this is a version that you have to listen to with the windows up but it is SO WORTH IT! Such a guilty pleasure of mine:

I also have to say that I would like to make slow, sweet love to that by the yulelog. Yeah, baby.

Okay, I am out for now. I will be back up tomorrow with the Countdown and hopefully this weekend with an update. I start the commute on Monday so updates may not be as frequent as usual but I will try my best to give the peeps what they want. Stay up until then, peeps.

Chachi Out

A Little Bit Of Late Night Musing...

Okay….um, a few off the wall things happened today and I am not sure if Catnarok is coming or if I am just losing my shit.

1. While at the food court in the mall today (Needed to get my comic. More on that later) I walked by McDonald’s and heard someone order a Filet-O-Fish. Do they even still MAKE that monstrosity? Not only that, what person really WANTS to eat that thing? This person was kind of mad that they didn’t have it there. I mean…really?
2. After having about a thirty minute (Give or take) conversation with the comic book guy about the Bleach universe, the concept of Galactus being the embodiment of hunger and never satiated and how the Green Lantern is awesome (I totally have to read the Red Lantern Saga now!) I realized that my nerddom knows no bounds. I mean seriously, I now know why I have no friends and women mace me. Right here, buddy. I like my comics.
3. Women: STOP DOING THE DUCKFACE. Seriously, I ranted about this a few months ago and you are still doing it. Are you supposed to look hot? Are you supposed to look alluring? Well, let me tell you how you look: like a made up Steven Tyler. Well, more made up Steven Tyler. Either way, there is nothing hot about the duckface; it just makes you look retarded. Literally, tards look at you and laugh. I’ve seen them.
4. Is it just me, or does 50 Cent look more and more each day like he should be hanging around with Rash, Zitz and Pimple trying to stop the Dark Queen?:

Do a barrel roll, nigga! Whoo…I’m fucking awesome.
5. Watching South Park, I guess domestic abuse is fine as long as you put it to song. Nothing like beating someone’s ass to a soundtrack!
6. Okay, I don’t LIKE to stereotype but yesterday on I-25 on my way to pick up a friend to go get some food, I was stuck behind a car doing 45. ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY. Once I passed the car, it was an old White lady in a straw hat in a fucking Cadilliac not paying attention to anything. Now one would say that I would be stereotyping if I said that was the look of all people that couldn’t drive. Well, fuck you. I am totally stereotyping when I say that we should kill all old white women. I’M KIDDING! Just the ones in straw hats.
7. I like how when unemployment is highest it has been in about 40 years…gas prices go down. Seeing as how so many people aint got a job to go to it just seems ironic to me.

Well, I am out of this bitch. Bedtime and all. Peace out, I’ll be back on Friday.

Chachi Out.