So yesterday Zach and I had a very insightful conversation about that bimbo game that was made in England (Brits…like sober Japanese people) and we were talking about how women always claim to be “exploited” and “portrayed unfairly” when LITERALLY half the time these images are either being created or perpetuated by women themselves. How many times have women claimed that they are made to live up to an naturally unattainable version of beauty that is created and reinforced by men yet women THEMSELVES are creating fashion lines that cut off the circulation to their legs and creating bras that lift and separate to the point that your breasts need a tourniquet? What really irks me is the fact that the rational that women give that “well, at least it is a woman making the money rather than a man!” Wow, that is some niggerish logic right there.
Wait a minute….EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!
Women are the new niggas.
It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps….
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!
Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.
Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.
Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.
Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!
Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.
Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.
Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.
Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability Blacks (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass, but mostly Blacks), it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon.
Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time. However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?!
Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?
Well that is just fricking peachy! THIS is why women are in this state right now. I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never….EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.
Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.
This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.
WOMEN
I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?
You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment:
Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes….just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.
Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.
At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar too.
Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps or peeps that I am down to right for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!
Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.
Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I will watch some Kelun:
Now THAT’S music. You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:
1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. But both women and Black dudes have an asinine amount of sunglasses. And they always have to tell you about them. Whether it be “OMG, look at my new sunglasses!” or “Nigga, check this shit out!” they both love them more than…actual fashion
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants; quit being a fashion deficient dipshit.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. Hey work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books.
Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:
• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your lame ass memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & j-pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and the JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design (Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of a pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.
In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon
I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it:
Where in the helly is Heavy D?! I miss his non-threatening version of what we call rap! Anyway, if you are a Black woman…you are kind of on the outside looking in. There is always Asians!
And on that note, that’s all for now. I will try to be back tomorrow (It is hard to do a post everyday) with something new but if not….I have two and a half years of work on this thing. Look at the archives. And vote for Douchebrawl! Stay up, peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The High, The Lazy, The Worthless. Fuck Hippies.
It’s me, bitches! I am back again for my fourth post in three days! What can I say…I love the peeps. This week, some people have been all up in arms about how the death toll in Iraq has hit over 4,000 casualties. I don’t believe that is covering actual…IRAQIS but as we all know they don’t really count. Also, earlier in the week during a rousing session of Aqua Teen Hunger Force watching I was IM’d by Zach asking me “It has been five years, why are people STILL protesting the Iraq War?” With no real answer to that question I began to wonder. After 5 years in Iraq, why ARE people still bitching about it? It is a focal point of this election (which in a way it SHOULD be but seriously…is that ALL you have?) and when Sarah Jessica Parker’s ugly (but beautiful on the inside!) grill piece or Skank Watch/Nigga Watch 2008 isn’t on (See www.MediaTakeout.com to see what I mean) it seems to be all the news will talk about. Yet, hasn’t anyone had enough of this yet? Since I am sure the majority of you are ALREADY pissy about where I am going with this, I am just going to jump into this arms out like Jesus on the cross. So here is the blog that probably ends this bad boy.
Passion of Chachi Presents: Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!
Today’s Lesson: War Is Hell…..So Shut The Hell Up.
Yeah….this is going to get worse before it EVER gets better.
Now you see, the media is all about semantics. Since most of America has no idea what that is, let me explain:
World War II = WAR
Definition: A conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air (Mostly land because…Iraq has three planes and two of them are Go-Bots).
Vietnam War = Police Action
Definition: A relatively localized military action undertaken by regular armed forces, without a formal declaration of war, against guerrillas, insurgents (They ate my baby’s cereal!), or other forces held to be violating international peace and order.
Now looking at those two definitions, you can see two different words and two different actions. Yet, people use them interchangeably which is poor grammar and puts everything in the wrong light. We are not at WAR with Iraq. There is NO Iraqi Army (Or so they say. I thought they were on our side?!), Air Force, Marines, Navy or Power Rangers. It would be hell to fight in all that clothing anyway. You see, because Lil’ Bush is a moron he is getting his ideas mixed up. We as America are at “WAR” with terrorism. About 10 years too late give or take from the time of the first bombing we did but you cant win them all. Besides, Bill was too busy getting minger love to be concerned about our safety against terrorism. Okay, that was a low blow….and so was Monica. ZING!
What is going on in Iraq right now isn’t a “war” as much as it is a very poorly executed police action against a state America claimed to be rogue by having weapons of mass destruction and having a very smelly character as their leader. This COULD have worked had they gone after a country that was a threat FIRST but that is just wishful thinking. Instead of getting the world to agree that Iraq was a threat and declaring a warring action to have them adhere to demands (Which is WAR) we went in without declaring war (which some would call a hostile invasion but we are America and manifest destiny is where it is at, bitches!) as a unilateral Police Academy squad complete with the full cast of idiots:
Anyone else see Donald Rumsfeld as Tackleberry? Either way, by calling this whole debacle a war it takes away from everything good about war. After a war spending goes up, citizen moral improves, the sale of flags goes up and we eat the hell out of apple pie and watch baseball all fucking day because the season never fucking ends. Instead we are in a economic shitfall, people are pissier than ever, I don’t even OWN an American flag (And don’t need one to prove my patriotism, thank you very much) and people care about baseball and the most American thing out right now is “America’s Best Dance Crew.” A war has always been America triumphing with the help of all our homies over an obvious evil that has to be defeated in a manner that is somewhat like the closing of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo complete with dance number and happy ending of saving the youth center and getting the girl which in the case of WWII was Japan’s technical savy and crazy gameshows:
See, that’s what it feels like to pay taxes. The simple fact is that we are at “war” with an ideology, not a people.
Which brings me to my next real big issue with protestors. Do you not understand that the war has already started? Protesting something that has already started and has been going on for 5 fucking years is pointless. POINTLESS. What do you expect to really accomplish? You hope to end the war NOW? Well, doing that is like stopping a child from drawing on the walls with a crayon…after it has already Picasso’d half the rooms in the house. Yes you stopped it and people will say that one life that is no longer lost is worth it but at the end of the day, protests haven’t stopped shit since the 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement. And remember what happened to them? They got bit by dogs and blasted with hoses. Sure it sounds like good old fashioned fun at the fishing hole but people aint built for that kind of struggle to create change anymore. Hell, there are people here that leave a restaurant after waiting for over 5 minutes. You think those mother fuckers could take a billyclub to the ribs or a boot in the ass? That’s how change is made, hippies: taking a beatdown or a bullet for what you believe in. As Kent State proved, hippies are adept at NEITHER. We are not at war; our troops are glorified citizens on patrol.
Now before you get sand in your vaginas and say that I am making light of a tragic situation let me tell you I am not. I am using humor to explain a point that people are either too hepped up on patriotism or too fucking hepped up on goofballs to see: during war, people die. And compared to other modern “wars” (and “police actions”) the casualties are low:
• World War I: 116,708 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• World War II (Mo’ Betta Battles!): 416,800 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Korean War: 36,516 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Vietnam War: 58,217 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• First Gulf War: 148 US Military Casualties (Another 145 non-combat casualties) [Wikipedia]
Taking away the first Gulf War, or as I call it “George Bush’s Day Off,” the 4,000 casualties in this war are lower than any other war we have been involved in. And aside from the 20 British troops and that one guy from Poland (He’s drunk) we are the only country with troops there to begin with. Taking into account that life is precious (Gawd….lame) and the amount of troops actually on the ground, it sounds rough to say but the casualty number is rather low. People haven’t had to live through war so they are unaware of the numbers that usually are killed in battle for various reasons. Protesters up in arms about that need to realize that death is a part of war and a part of war is being in the military. You can’t have life without death, it’s the duplicitous edge of which we live.
Another reason people need to stop complaining is because war is never glamorous or joyous. It is an act of violence and ends in tragedy for all involved. Despite there being a victory to the battle and the temporary end of tyranny (Germany anyone? Although to their credit they have kept their nose clean) war is a horrible event. People die during conflict, whether it be Star Wars or the Cola Wars. Poor Jolt Cola…never had a chance. So understand when I say this I speak from logic not emotion.
• When people enter the US military, there is a chance they become soldiers.
• Soldiers fight on the frontlines during battle.
• Several battles are commonplace during a war.
• In war, people die.
• US soldiers are people.
• Soldiers die in war.
It is that simple. When you enlist in the Armed Services, there is a probability that you will have to fight in combat and one result of fighting in combat is death. These statements are not to belittle what they do (more on that later) but to give people, especially protesters the sobering truth. People are going to die, whether it is from a disease or on the battlefield. To say that we should send them home because soldiers are dying defeats the purpose of the military. First and foremost the military’s job is to protect the citizens of where they originally reside. They have been sent there to “protect” America from terrorism. Guess what? THAT IS THEIR JOB. They knew what they were getting into from the get go, all you are doing is making their job more difficult. Now I personally believe that Lil’ Bush was playing Risk with our troops and forgot that no one holds Asia for a whole game but that is beyond the point. They have been sent there to do a job by their bosses and that is that. Looking at it that logically, it all makes sense and the emotional aspect is pushed to the side. Oh, and yes I DO have friends over in Iraq and all the men in my family (aside from myself and my gay uncle) have served in the military in some way shape or form. Albeit in the Air Force and Navy but still. So I am not heartless, I am just saying the facts.
Speaking of facts…let’s be brutally honest here. War is hell anyway, sending people into battle with no sense is just a recipe for trouble. We all know that the Army is lowering standards to hit recruiting quotas. When you lower the standards or your workers, you lower the quality of their output. That is a proven fact. So when you are sending people who barely got through high school into battle with only playing Halo and Call of Duty 3 on the Xbox 360 as their war experience (Although they totally pwned their bro at the last kegger) you kind of end up with the results we have where troops are ill prepared for the rigors of war and the heated intensity of battle. I live in a pretty heavy military area and a great majority of the soldiers returning from Iraq are gang members looking for a way out or farm boys from Nebraska who just want to shoot "sand monkeys” (Zach’s words…not mine. Okay, I fully agree with that statement). Gone are the times when celebrities and athletes were pulled away from their jobs to go to war. Gone are the days when the best students went to the service academies. Now they go to Pepperdine, or to a lesser extent Yuckla (That’s UCLA…jackass). In the famous words of The New Radicals, you get what you give:
Still love that song. In the end, I cannot knock what they do because I sure as hell aint going to war for no one. I support this country by paying my taxes and funneling money back into the economy via student loans and credit cards. I KEEP AMERICA RUNNING!
In the end, the war is five years in. It is time to not complain about bringing the boys home. It is time to figure out how to not fuck Iraq up even more and get the hell out of dodge without causing a giant nuclear cloud over 60% of the Eurasian continent. I still say we invest in some Gundam’s or EVA’s from Japan. If they had those, I would be the first to sign up! Who is more angst-ridden than me?! You’ve read this thing! I’m one more broken heart away from being Shinji! So protesters need to stop bitching and come up with a real SOLUTION. Don’t look at me; I haven’t been right since the Lunar War.
So that is all for now. I just really hate hippies. I will be back tomorrow most def. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Passion of Chachi Presents: Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!
Today’s Lesson: War Is Hell…..So Shut The Hell Up.
Yeah….this is going to get worse before it EVER gets better.
Now you see, the media is all about semantics. Since most of America has no idea what that is, let me explain:
World War II = WAR
Definition: A conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air (Mostly land because…Iraq has three planes and two of them are Go-Bots).
Vietnam War = Police Action
Definition: A relatively localized military action undertaken by regular armed forces, without a formal declaration of war, against guerrillas, insurgents (They ate my baby’s cereal!), or other forces held to be violating international peace and order.
Now looking at those two definitions, you can see two different words and two different actions. Yet, people use them interchangeably which is poor grammar and puts everything in the wrong light. We are not at WAR with Iraq. There is NO Iraqi Army (Or so they say. I thought they were on our side?!), Air Force, Marines, Navy or Power Rangers. It would be hell to fight in all that clothing anyway. You see, because Lil’ Bush is a moron he is getting his ideas mixed up. We as America are at “WAR” with terrorism. About 10 years too late give or take from the time of the first bombing we did but you cant win them all. Besides, Bill was too busy getting minger love to be concerned about our safety against terrorism. Okay, that was a low blow….and so was Monica. ZING!
What is going on in Iraq right now isn’t a “war” as much as it is a very poorly executed police action against a state America claimed to be rogue by having weapons of mass destruction and having a very smelly character as their leader. This COULD have worked had they gone after a country that was a threat FIRST but that is just wishful thinking. Instead of getting the world to agree that Iraq was a threat and declaring a warring action to have them adhere to demands (Which is WAR) we went in without declaring war (which some would call a hostile invasion but we are America and manifest destiny is where it is at, bitches!) as a unilateral Police Academy squad complete with the full cast of idiots:
Anyone else see Donald Rumsfeld as Tackleberry? Either way, by calling this whole debacle a war it takes away from everything good about war. After a war spending goes up, citizen moral improves, the sale of flags goes up and we eat the hell out of apple pie and watch baseball all fucking day because the season never fucking ends. Instead we are in a economic shitfall, people are pissier than ever, I don’t even OWN an American flag (And don’t need one to prove my patriotism, thank you very much) and people care about baseball and the most American thing out right now is “America’s Best Dance Crew.” A war has always been America triumphing with the help of all our homies over an obvious evil that has to be defeated in a manner that is somewhat like the closing of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo complete with dance number and happy ending of saving the youth center and getting the girl which in the case of WWII was Japan’s technical savy and crazy gameshows:
See, that’s what it feels like to pay taxes. The simple fact is that we are at “war” with an ideology, not a people.
Which brings me to my next real big issue with protestors. Do you not understand that the war has already started? Protesting something that has already started and has been going on for 5 fucking years is pointless. POINTLESS. What do you expect to really accomplish? You hope to end the war NOW? Well, doing that is like stopping a child from drawing on the walls with a crayon…after it has already Picasso’d half the rooms in the house. Yes you stopped it and people will say that one life that is no longer lost is worth it but at the end of the day, protests haven’t stopped shit since the 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement. And remember what happened to them? They got bit by dogs and blasted with hoses. Sure it sounds like good old fashioned fun at the fishing hole but people aint built for that kind of struggle to create change anymore. Hell, there are people here that leave a restaurant after waiting for over 5 minutes. You think those mother fuckers could take a billyclub to the ribs or a boot in the ass? That’s how change is made, hippies: taking a beatdown or a bullet for what you believe in. As Kent State proved, hippies are adept at NEITHER. We are not at war; our troops are glorified citizens on patrol.
Now before you get sand in your vaginas and say that I am making light of a tragic situation let me tell you I am not. I am using humor to explain a point that people are either too hepped up on patriotism or too fucking hepped up on goofballs to see: during war, people die. And compared to other modern “wars” (and “police actions”) the casualties are low:
• World War I: 116,708 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• World War II (Mo’ Betta Battles!): 416,800 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Korean War: 36,516 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Vietnam War: 58,217 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• First Gulf War: 148 US Military Casualties (Another 145 non-combat casualties) [Wikipedia]
Taking away the first Gulf War, or as I call it “George Bush’s Day Off,” the 4,000 casualties in this war are lower than any other war we have been involved in. And aside from the 20 British troops and that one guy from Poland (He’s drunk) we are the only country with troops there to begin with. Taking into account that life is precious (Gawd….lame) and the amount of troops actually on the ground, it sounds rough to say but the casualty number is rather low. People haven’t had to live through war so they are unaware of the numbers that usually are killed in battle for various reasons. Protesters up in arms about that need to realize that death is a part of war and a part of war is being in the military. You can’t have life without death, it’s the duplicitous edge of which we live.
Another reason people need to stop complaining is because war is never glamorous or joyous. It is an act of violence and ends in tragedy for all involved. Despite there being a victory to the battle and the temporary end of tyranny (Germany anyone? Although to their credit they have kept their nose clean) war is a horrible event. People die during conflict, whether it be Star Wars or the Cola Wars. Poor Jolt Cola…never had a chance. So understand when I say this I speak from logic not emotion.
• When people enter the US military, there is a chance they become soldiers.
• Soldiers fight on the frontlines during battle.
• Several battles are commonplace during a war.
• In war, people die.
• US soldiers are people.
• Soldiers die in war.
It is that simple. When you enlist in the Armed Services, there is a probability that you will have to fight in combat and one result of fighting in combat is death. These statements are not to belittle what they do (more on that later) but to give people, especially protesters the sobering truth. People are going to die, whether it is from a disease or on the battlefield. To say that we should send them home because soldiers are dying defeats the purpose of the military. First and foremost the military’s job is to protect the citizens of where they originally reside. They have been sent there to “protect” America from terrorism. Guess what? THAT IS THEIR JOB. They knew what they were getting into from the get go, all you are doing is making their job more difficult. Now I personally believe that Lil’ Bush was playing Risk with our troops and forgot that no one holds Asia for a whole game but that is beyond the point. They have been sent there to do a job by their bosses and that is that. Looking at it that logically, it all makes sense and the emotional aspect is pushed to the side. Oh, and yes I DO have friends over in Iraq and all the men in my family (aside from myself and my gay uncle) have served in the military in some way shape or form. Albeit in the Air Force and Navy but still. So I am not heartless, I am just saying the facts.
Speaking of facts…let’s be brutally honest here. War is hell anyway, sending people into battle with no sense is just a recipe for trouble. We all know that the Army is lowering standards to hit recruiting quotas. When you lower the standards or your workers, you lower the quality of their output. That is a proven fact. So when you are sending people who barely got through high school into battle with only playing Halo and Call of Duty 3 on the Xbox 360 as their war experience (Although they totally pwned their bro at the last kegger) you kind of end up with the results we have where troops are ill prepared for the rigors of war and the heated intensity of battle. I live in a pretty heavy military area and a great majority of the soldiers returning from Iraq are gang members looking for a way out or farm boys from Nebraska who just want to shoot "sand monkeys” (Zach’s words…not mine. Okay, I fully agree with that statement). Gone are the times when celebrities and athletes were pulled away from their jobs to go to war. Gone are the days when the best students went to the service academies. Now they go to Pepperdine, or to a lesser extent Yuckla (That’s UCLA…jackass). In the famous words of The New Radicals, you get what you give:
Still love that song. In the end, I cannot knock what they do because I sure as hell aint going to war for no one. I support this country by paying my taxes and funneling money back into the economy via student loans and credit cards. I KEEP AMERICA RUNNING!
In the end, the war is five years in. It is time to not complain about bringing the boys home. It is time to figure out how to not fuck Iraq up even more and get the hell out of dodge without causing a giant nuclear cloud over 60% of the Eurasian continent. I still say we invest in some Gundam’s or EVA’s from Japan. If they had those, I would be the first to sign up! Who is more angst-ridden than me?! You’ve read this thing! I’m one more broken heart away from being Shinji! So protesters need to stop bitching and come up with a real SOLUTION. Don’t look at me; I haven’t been right since the Lunar War.
So that is all for now. I just really hate hippies. I will be back tomorrow most def. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
What's Your Alibi? Cuz You UGLY!! BURN!
Okay, it is once again time to lay down the law to the stupid. Normally I like to let issues of beauty slide because I am attractive by no means and quite simply could not care about society’s general consensus of what beauty is. I likes what I likes and aint a damn thing wrong with that. Now every woman and their mom is bitching about how Sarah Jessica Parker was called the “unsexiest” star by Maxim Magazine. First off, I didn’t know anyone still READ Maxim Magazine. I used to read it when Jessica Alba was on every other cover, but I haven’t read one in YEARS and thought others had followed suit. I guess bros cant spend all their time listening to Jack Johnson and playing Gamecube…in the butt.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Four For Fighting
What is up, peeps? I am back and I am proud to say that the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl 2008 are complete! We are down to four….and let’s see who they are!
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
This Took A While. I Hope It Was Worth It.
What’s up, peeps?! I am back for a short bit as there will probably be two posts today as the results of the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl will be up later on this evening. Go and vote now as the Amy Winehouse/Lindsay Lohan matchup is LITERALLY going down to the wire! Also, there looks to be a minor upset to boot…VOTE OR DIE!
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Friday, March 21, 2008
What Time Is It?! Party Time!
What is up, peeps! It is another Friday and you know what it is time for!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a video on its way out….
20. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
It looks like the ride is over for Sowelu. It is a shame because I really like this song and the video was very good. Luckily, my baby boo has a new video coming out so its all good for the most part. Sad to see her go….
19. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (New Entry)
YES! It is about time Lupe released a second official single after “Superstar.” This song is rather telling (Story telling that is) and really fits with an equally impressive song. I believe we have a front-runner for the Chachi for Album of the Year! (FUCK WARNER BROTHER MUSIC, BTW)
18. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #15, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa hold on for YET ANOTHER WEEK! That puts her on here for almost four full months and that shows massive staying power if I say so myself. Can she hold on for another week?
17. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
Kid Sister moves up one spot this week with a little help from Kanye. It seems that he is back to being everywhere which is good because I was really worried that 50 Cent was going to just show up in my fucking living room eating a porkchop sandwich and sipping Vitamin Water. God I hate him.
16. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #20)
The Arc moves up four big spots this week! Can they make it three Top 10 videos in less than a year? I would have to say yes seeing as how this song kicks ass. On another note….Hyde is looking quite Farrah in this video. You know what I mean.
15. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #13)
NEW HAMC ALBUM!! And it is dark as hell. Kind of how I like my rock but even still. For j-pop it is a bit on the Dir En Grey end, minus the overwhelming suck. You heard me; I don’t like Dir En Grey.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
James Morrison looks to have stalled this week as the Countdown is not being kind to him. And neither is radio or video outlets. I have YET to see this video anywhere but here. That is fucking annoying because I can turn and see a T-Pain video guaranteed.
13. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #16)
The Roots are making moves on their first time out on the Countdown. They are a stone’s throw from the Top 10 with another video down the pipe (Although I am not a fan of the new song). The new album is coming soon and I am looking forward to it. Change of pace and all.
12. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #10)
This is UVERworld’s least successful video to ever chart as it didn’t even make the Top 5! That isn’t so bad because the album was bloody great so that makes up for the short-comings of the singles that were released.
11. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #12)
YAAAAAY! Yui is on the verge of having two videos in the Top 10 once again! She was the third to do it (behind UVERworld and John Legend) and it looks like the album will be here sooner rather than later. And the excitement begins!!
10. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #8)
Nelly Furtado once again fails to take the number one spot as she is now one for five to make it to the top. At least she has one. Here is hoping for a new album or AT TLEAST a collaboration of some sort rather than pulling from “Loose” again.
9. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #11)
Just got the single. TASTES GOOOOOOD. Foxxi is back in the Top 10 for the third time! They are looking to finally take the throne as they came short even though they had two videos in the Top 5. There was just way too much hot up there.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #9)
Hearts Grow moves up one spot this week as they slowly and without much fan fare move closer to the top. They keep a real low key profile (I have yet to see a single performance clip) and I guess that is the plan or something. I would like to see at least ONE live performance.
7. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #5)
After failing to take top spot for a fourth time, Mr. Legend falls from the Top 5. I have to go the same route with John that I took with Nelly here. It is about time for a new album. Or at least a collabo.
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #7)
Miss Badu is moving up yet again! I will get the album soon, I promise! And dare I say….here booty is great. Just saying.
5. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #3, Four Weeks at #1)
Lupe, Kanye and Pharrell all have new videos out and I am rather excited. Especially because Pharrell is back with the long awaited return of THE TERIYAKI BOYZ!! Hells yeah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #6)
Yui is back in the Top 5! Could this be as big a year for her as 2007 was? It is looking to be that way as of right now with two new videos and a new album next month! She will have to work hard to top NaNa and maybe even Lupe Fiasco, though. We are down to three!
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #4)
Hiroko is back near the top! After a pretty long journey, Mihimaru GT is looking to take over the throne once again! It has been a while since they have been this high and with three singles I will hopefully have a full album from my baby boo soon!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
For the second week in a row, RBD stands pat at number two! You would figure with three hot ladies and two hot fellas (and The Uck, sadly) that they could wrestle away the top spot. But for two straight weeks they have been held back by our current number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
Of course it’s Bennie K! For the third week in a row, they are the Countdown champs and hold off the competition once again! This is the first single from hopefully a new album in 2009! So that means I have something else to look forward to. Aside from my eventual death as I need to become a superstar this year. Until then, Bennie K is still number one!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if Bennie K can make it a full month at the top! Or will Rebelde finally take their turn as the crown holders? Or will Mihimaru GT move to number one for the second time? See you all next Friday!
I will be back on Sunday I believe. Be sure to go and vote www.douchebrawl.com as the Regional Finals end Sunday night! After that, the Final Four of Douchebrawl 2008 will begin! We have two close races so all your votes count! Until I return, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a video on its way out….
20. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
It looks like the ride is over for Sowelu. It is a shame because I really like this song and the video was very good. Luckily, my baby boo has a new video coming out so its all good for the most part. Sad to see her go….
19. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (New Entry)
YES! It is about time Lupe released a second official single after “Superstar.” This song is rather telling (Story telling that is) and really fits with an equally impressive song. I believe we have a front-runner for the Chachi for Album of the Year! (FUCK WARNER BROTHER MUSIC, BTW)
18. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #15, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa hold on for YET ANOTHER WEEK! That puts her on here for almost four full months and that shows massive staying power if I say so myself. Can she hold on for another week?
17. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
Kid Sister moves up one spot this week with a little help from Kanye. It seems that he is back to being everywhere which is good because I was really worried that 50 Cent was going to just show up in my fucking living room eating a porkchop sandwich and sipping Vitamin Water. God I hate him.
16. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #20)
The Arc moves up four big spots this week! Can they make it three Top 10 videos in less than a year? I would have to say yes seeing as how this song kicks ass. On another note….Hyde is looking quite Farrah in this video. You know what I mean.
15. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #13)
NEW HAMC ALBUM!! And it is dark as hell. Kind of how I like my rock but even still. For j-pop it is a bit on the Dir En Grey end, minus the overwhelming suck. You heard me; I don’t like Dir En Grey.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
James Morrison looks to have stalled this week as the Countdown is not being kind to him. And neither is radio or video outlets. I have YET to see this video anywhere but here. That is fucking annoying because I can turn and see a T-Pain video guaranteed.
13. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #16)
The Roots are making moves on their first time out on the Countdown. They are a stone’s throw from the Top 10 with another video down the pipe (Although I am not a fan of the new song). The new album is coming soon and I am looking forward to it. Change of pace and all.
12. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #10)
This is UVERworld’s least successful video to ever chart as it didn’t even make the Top 5! That isn’t so bad because the album was bloody great so that makes up for the short-comings of the singles that were released.
11. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #12)
YAAAAAY! Yui is on the verge of having two videos in the Top 10 once again! She was the third to do it (behind UVERworld and John Legend) and it looks like the album will be here sooner rather than later. And the excitement begins!!
10. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #8)
Nelly Furtado once again fails to take the number one spot as she is now one for five to make it to the top. At least she has one. Here is hoping for a new album or AT TLEAST a collaboration of some sort rather than pulling from “Loose” again.
9. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #11)
Just got the single. TASTES GOOOOOOD. Foxxi is back in the Top 10 for the third time! They are looking to finally take the throne as they came short even though they had two videos in the Top 5. There was just way too much hot up there.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #9)
Hearts Grow moves up one spot this week as they slowly and without much fan fare move closer to the top. They keep a real low key profile (I have yet to see a single performance clip) and I guess that is the plan or something. I would like to see at least ONE live performance.
7. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #5)
After failing to take top spot for a fourth time, Mr. Legend falls from the Top 5. I have to go the same route with John that I took with Nelly here. It is about time for a new album. Or at least a collabo.
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #7)
Miss Badu is moving up yet again! I will get the album soon, I promise! And dare I say….here booty is great. Just saying.
5. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #3, Four Weeks at #1)
Lupe, Kanye and Pharrell all have new videos out and I am rather excited. Especially because Pharrell is back with the long awaited return of THE TERIYAKI BOYZ!! Hells yeah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #6)
Yui is back in the Top 5! Could this be as big a year for her as 2007 was? It is looking to be that way as of right now with two new videos and a new album next month! She will have to work hard to top NaNa and maybe even Lupe Fiasco, though. We are down to three!
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #4)
Hiroko is back near the top! After a pretty long journey, Mihimaru GT is looking to take over the throne once again! It has been a while since they have been this high and with three singles I will hopefully have a full album from my baby boo soon!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
For the second week in a row, RBD stands pat at number two! You would figure with three hot ladies and two hot fellas (and The Uck, sadly) that they could wrestle away the top spot. But for two straight weeks they have been held back by our current number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
Of course it’s Bennie K! For the third week in a row, they are the Countdown champs and hold off the competition once again! This is the first single from hopefully a new album in 2009! So that means I have something else to look forward to. Aside from my eventual death as I need to become a superstar this year. Until then, Bennie K is still number one!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if Bennie K can make it a full month at the top! Or will Rebelde finally take their turn as the crown holders? Or will Mihimaru GT move to number one for the second time? See you all next Friday!
I will be back on Sunday I believe. Be sure to go and vote www.douchebrawl.com as the Regional Finals end Sunday night! After that, the Final Four of Douchebrawl 2008 will begin! We have two close races so all your votes count! Until I return, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Is Deuce Diddy Dollaz Gonna Have To Smack A Bitch?
What is up, people! I am back for another blog because….I missed you all. Except Sarah in Albany. I didn’t miss you in the slightest. Bitch. So today I am rather pissed. Not because I found out some shit about a job I wanted that was given to someone else with less qualifications (Get a drink in me and I will tell you about it) just because I was already with the company. Although…that does piss me the fuck off. I am pissed because music has officially become shit. I know I say that all the time but I usually find solace in a Lupe Fiasco or Abingdon Boys School song (NEW TM REVOLUTION ALBUM! MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN!) to subside my anger. But not this time. Oh hells no. The end of the world has come to a end. Kiss your babies goodbye, tell your parents you love them. Armageddon is here, and once again it is caused by a female. A FEMALE RAPPER no less. So what song is going to cause the Ragnarok I speak of?
“Smell Yo Dick” by Riskay
Yes….you heard that right. Smell yo motherfucking dick. First off, it is a female rapper which combines two of the things I hate the most on this fucking planet. The only thing that would have been worse if she was a TURKISH female rapper. At least extremist Muslims would have had it right and stoned her ass. Okay, that was too far but a severe ass-whoopin would suffice this shit.
SMELL YO’ DICK?! WHAT ARE YOU, A DAMN MONGREL?!
You see, it is shit like this why Hip Hop, women and Black women in particular are never taken seriously. Say what you will about it being “funny” or “ironic” because only niggas say this song is one of those words and as we all know NIGGAS DON’T FUCKING READ SO THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN! Songs like this cut out the hard work that many rappers do to be respected in three and a half shitty, aggravating minutes. What good can seriously come out of this song? It isn’t funny in the slightest and in the end just sounds stupid and I never thought I would say this….vulgar and downright WRONG. This is coming from a guy that has joked about several HORRIBLE THINGS:
• Sex with minors (Why are teenage girls like potato chips? Because once you pop, you cant stop!)
• Sex with animals (Not ALL animals. Just collies They look like they would appreciate you more than labs or golden retrievers would. They look like lovers then leavers)
• Elimination of NO LESS that 100 races, creeds, religions and countries (Hitler was a pussy as far as I’m concerned. You gotta think BIG!)
• Rape (Surprise sex, people. Women love suprises! And if you listen to them they love sex! Best of both fucking worlds!)
• Domestic violence (Throw the jab, bitches! It’s a set up punch!)
• Child abuse (Listen, a child will kill you and everyone you care about. Just like puppies)
• Kicking of puppies (See above. Fuck puppies. Not literally, 21 and up for me. Which means…three in dog years!)
And after all that, that song is fucking gross. Even more so than gross is the fact that it is just plain ignorant. I mean first off, the concept of smelling a penis proves nothing. Bitch, what are you a fucking bloodhound? Even if you DID smell another woman’s nookie nectar on his fuckstick (Innuendo, its spreading) you can’t PROVE anything! You are running on hearsay and conjecture and as we all know those are not forms of evidence! I learned that shit on LA LAW!
Harry Hamlin, Corbin Bernsen, Blair Underwood and Jimmy Smits? SIGN ME UP, SAILOR! They can cross examine me anytime! Hottest show of the 80’s….bar none. Anyway, the fact this song is ANYWHERE is a crime and injustice to ears everywhere. The writers of this song need to be arrested for crimes against humanity much like we did to Saddam Hussein and SHOULD DO to Uwe Boll. If you saw “Alone In The Dark” then you know what I mean. The fact that I am even wasting a rant and post on this is more than I wanted to do but doing this keeps me from KILLING HER. When songs like this are played, the terrorists win. Because they don’t have dick smelling in Arab countries to check for cheating because they smack’em up like a beach ball at a Grateful Dead concert. That and the burka makes smelling nigh impossible. Maybe they DO have it right. This song is stupid and the fact it was made makes Jesus cry. Wait….that’s a good thing!
See, as tasteless as that was to you Christians and Catholics (Big ups to Jews!) it was more tasteful than that song. That is all I have to say about that. You guys stay up and stay away from that song.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
“Smell Yo Dick” by Riskay
Yes….you heard that right. Smell yo motherfucking dick. First off, it is a female rapper which combines two of the things I hate the most on this fucking planet. The only thing that would have been worse if she was a TURKISH female rapper. At least extremist Muslims would have had it right and stoned her ass. Okay, that was too far but a severe ass-whoopin would suffice this shit.
SMELL YO’ DICK?! WHAT ARE YOU, A DAMN MONGREL?!
You see, it is shit like this why Hip Hop, women and Black women in particular are never taken seriously. Say what you will about it being “funny” or “ironic” because only niggas say this song is one of those words and as we all know NIGGAS DON’T FUCKING READ SO THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN! Songs like this cut out the hard work that many rappers do to be respected in three and a half shitty, aggravating minutes. What good can seriously come out of this song? It isn’t funny in the slightest and in the end just sounds stupid and I never thought I would say this….vulgar and downright WRONG. This is coming from a guy that has joked about several HORRIBLE THINGS:
• Sex with minors (Why are teenage girls like potato chips? Because once you pop, you cant stop!)
• Sex with animals (Not ALL animals. Just collies They look like they would appreciate you more than labs or golden retrievers would. They look like lovers then leavers)
• Elimination of NO LESS that 100 races, creeds, religions and countries (Hitler was a pussy as far as I’m concerned. You gotta think BIG!)
• Rape (Surprise sex, people. Women love suprises! And if you listen to them they love sex! Best of both fucking worlds!)
• Domestic violence (Throw the jab, bitches! It’s a set up punch!)
• Child abuse (Listen, a child will kill you and everyone you care about. Just like puppies)
• Kicking of puppies (See above. Fuck puppies. Not literally, 21 and up for me. Which means…three in dog years!)
And after all that, that song is fucking gross. Even more so than gross is the fact that it is just plain ignorant. I mean first off, the concept of smelling a penis proves nothing. Bitch, what are you a fucking bloodhound? Even if you DID smell another woman’s nookie nectar on his fuckstick (Innuendo, its spreading) you can’t PROVE anything! You are running on hearsay and conjecture and as we all know those are not forms of evidence! I learned that shit on LA LAW!
Harry Hamlin, Corbin Bernsen, Blair Underwood and Jimmy Smits? SIGN ME UP, SAILOR! They can cross examine me anytime! Hottest show of the 80’s….bar none. Anyway, the fact this song is ANYWHERE is a crime and injustice to ears everywhere. The writers of this song need to be arrested for crimes against humanity much like we did to Saddam Hussein and SHOULD DO to Uwe Boll. If you saw “Alone In The Dark” then you know what I mean. The fact that I am even wasting a rant and post on this is more than I wanted to do but doing this keeps me from KILLING HER. When songs like this are played, the terrorists win. Because they don’t have dick smelling in Arab countries to check for cheating because they smack’em up like a beach ball at a Grateful Dead concert. That and the burka makes smelling nigh impossible. Maybe they DO have it right. This song is stupid and the fact it was made makes Jesus cry. Wait….that’s a good thing!
See, as tasteless as that was to you Christians and Catholics (Big ups to Jews!) it was more tasteful than that song. That is all I have to say about that. You guys stay up and stay away from that song.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
....And Yet, I Am Still Sober.
What is up, people? I am back today with some awkward news. I am postponing the second half of the 500th Post Extravaganza until Sunday because Comcast is playing asshole Yahtzee with my connection so I decided that a regular update was in order. It has been a weird March and I have had a lot of things running through my mind and I believe it is about that time to let them out. So you are in for a treat as it is time for another installment of…
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Never Ask Me A Question When You KNOW I Won’t Say What You Want To Hear.
Now this has been the case for several years now. If you know anything about me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my opinions like a spinning championship belt. Ever since I had the nerve to say to a certain young lady “Do you want what I REALLY THINK or what you want to hear because they are two separate things” it has been well known that no woman should never ask my opinion if:
1. You already fucking know what I will say because I have said it before.
2. You want confirmation or encouragement to do something stupid.
3. You want acknowledgement or praise for ALREADY doing something stupid.
4. If you asked me for help, I gave it to you, you DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT and now you are bringing the same dumb ass problem to me AGAIN for help.
5. Asking me a question you already know the answer to or know the answer you want to hear. I may not necessarily smarter than you (Highly unlikely, but sometimes it happens) but I KNOW when that is the case and I will either ignore the hell out of you or say the exact opposite out of spite because you are being a dumbass.
With that being said, I don’t give a fuck if you are going to get a tattoo. I don’t care what it is because I am not a fan. Never have been and never will be. Leave me the fuck alone about it. If you are going to get one, GET ONE. I am NOT going to tell you it is a good idea because I don’t think they are. It is a personal fucking opinion. I wouldn’t get one and I don’t care about your “individuality” because if the reason you are getting a tattoo is individuality then you are a fucktard because tattoos have been around since the dawn of fucking time and just because you get a different DESIGN OF A BUTTERFLY OR KANJI in the same spot on your lower back as every other fucking female in the 50 states you aren’t an individual. You are a conformist with delusions of grandeur. It is like when Shades and L.L. Cool J both sampled that one song and released their singles at the same time:
Here is L.L. Cool J’s “Loungin”
And Shades’ “Tell Me”
Different words, SAME FUCKING SONG. Just like with tattoos. Now this isn’t just about tattoos (And this isn’t about a certain someone asking me about a piercing because you said it best by saying “I already knew YOUR answer.” You receive a reprieve) this is about every question you EVER thing about asking me. If you ask me if you look like a whore in something, odds are you already know that you do look like a whore in the outfit so asking me will only cause your thoughts to be verified. I refuse to lie to spare anyone’s feelings just because they are too damn insecure to do something under their own volition. If you are doing something that you need to have validation about odds are you shouldn’t fucking do it anyway. If you want a tattoo, man up and get one! If you want to wear a dress even though it makes you look fat, work it out like a rib! If you want to be a whore, then be the best damn whore you can be! Cradle the balls, work the shaft and suck like Ashley Blue getting ready to deep dive. Don’t ask, just fucking do. Because I really don’t care and you KNOW I don’t care.
Heed Chris Rock: TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!
Okay, I will admit that fashion is one of the few things I place stock in. I try to look good and smell good (For me because no one else gives a rats ass) but for the most part I try to keep an eye on what looks stupid and I try to avoid it. With that being said, it looks like most people are NOT following the rules of fashion which are simple: don’t look like a fucking tool! How do you avoid that? Well, you follow these simple rules:
1. Pull up your god damn pants! Especially if you buy regular pants that fit and THEN let them hang off your ass. You look like a fucktard.
2. Flip your collar down! Seriously….was that EVER cool after the fucking 50’s? Bro’s need to let this go, especially the shirt under the shirt that has the collar flipped up. HOW LAME ARE YOU?!
3. Ladies, your jacket has to fit. Wearing a half jack and then complaining about being cold should result in getting punched in the ovaries. Dumb things like that should eliminate your right to procreate.
4. Do NOT let it all hang out. Now I am sure you will say that “it isn’t for you” and even if it isn’t show some god damn common sense. I mean logically, what reason do you need to show off your goodies in public? Having your titties hanging out SOUNDS like a good idea for getting a free drink and even catching a man…but is that the clientele you want? Think about it.
5. Black dudes….STOP WITH THE UGLY ASS JACKETS! I mean is it just me, or is the idea of Black men’s fashion to be as ugly and loud as you can allowable by the Fashion Police? Toss ugly baseball caps into that mix, too. The Bathing Apes craze is over. They were always ugly as sin and they still are. The more you look like brightly clothed monkeys, the more people will look at you that way. Aint a damn thing wrong with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. God, what ever happened to NORMAL.
6. If you aint got it (or got too much of it)…don’t flaunt it. Ladies, this has been happening quite a lot lately. I don’t have muscles so I don’t wear tight clothing. I attempt to stay within my fashion bounds. Now….ladies….just because you are a female and you believe the lies that you are all beautiful from dudes that want to fuck you doesn’t mean that everything works for you. If you have no ass, you don’t wear tight pants. If you have too much ass, don’t wear tight pants. You see, tight clothing is a thin line that you should only tread if you are truly ready for that kind of commitment to making that fashion work. You don’t want to see MY ROLLS so I don’t want to see yours. It’s only fair. It is interesting how other women critique other women about bad fashion but when I do it I’m a chauvinist that doesn’t respect women or their freedom to be happy with their body. I am all about being happy with your body but I am also about people managing their freedoms wisely.
7. Fur Isn’t Murder….It’s Just DAMN TACKY. New rule: the only fur that should be worn is from an animal you hunted and killed yourself. Brock Samson did it and so should you. I will make a lot of people think twice about getting a fur lined coat. That shit is damn lame. I mean seriously, you got fur from a small woodland animal and you are wearing it for fashion. Whoopty-damn-doo! It looks stupid because fur should be worn on FUCKING ANIMALS. That is IT. Unless you are going to grow a pair of nuts and just get a panda fur suit with a chinchilla liner inside then don’t even try to get fur. That shit is left for the ballinest of the ballin.
Just a few fashion tips to live by. That is all for now, just had to get those out. The rants are back for the most part as my process goes anger then apathy. Now I am good to go. You all stay up, because I am outta here. And don’t forget to vote at www.douchebrawl.com!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Never Ask Me A Question When You KNOW I Won’t Say What You Want To Hear.
Now this has been the case for several years now. If you know anything about me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my opinions like a spinning championship belt. Ever since I had the nerve to say to a certain young lady “Do you want what I REALLY THINK or what you want to hear because they are two separate things” it has been well known that no woman should never ask my opinion if:
1. You already fucking know what I will say because I have said it before.
2. You want confirmation or encouragement to do something stupid.
3. You want acknowledgement or praise for ALREADY doing something stupid.
4. If you asked me for help, I gave it to you, you DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT and now you are bringing the same dumb ass problem to me AGAIN for help.
5. Asking me a question you already know the answer to or know the answer you want to hear. I may not necessarily smarter than you (Highly unlikely, but sometimes it happens) but I KNOW when that is the case and I will either ignore the hell out of you or say the exact opposite out of spite because you are being a dumbass.
With that being said, I don’t give a fuck if you are going to get a tattoo. I don’t care what it is because I am not a fan. Never have been and never will be. Leave me the fuck alone about it. If you are going to get one, GET ONE. I am NOT going to tell you it is a good idea because I don’t think they are. It is a personal fucking opinion. I wouldn’t get one and I don’t care about your “individuality” because if the reason you are getting a tattoo is individuality then you are a fucktard because tattoos have been around since the dawn of fucking time and just because you get a different DESIGN OF A BUTTERFLY OR KANJI in the same spot on your lower back as every other fucking female in the 50 states you aren’t an individual. You are a conformist with delusions of grandeur. It is like when Shades and L.L. Cool J both sampled that one song and released their singles at the same time:
Here is L.L. Cool J’s “Loungin”
And Shades’ “Tell Me”
Different words, SAME FUCKING SONG. Just like with tattoos. Now this isn’t just about tattoos (And this isn’t about a certain someone asking me about a piercing because you said it best by saying “I already knew YOUR answer.” You receive a reprieve) this is about every question you EVER thing about asking me. If you ask me if you look like a whore in something, odds are you already know that you do look like a whore in the outfit so asking me will only cause your thoughts to be verified. I refuse to lie to spare anyone’s feelings just because they are too damn insecure to do something under their own volition. If you are doing something that you need to have validation about odds are you shouldn’t fucking do it anyway. If you want a tattoo, man up and get one! If you want to wear a dress even though it makes you look fat, work it out like a rib! If you want to be a whore, then be the best damn whore you can be! Cradle the balls, work the shaft and suck like Ashley Blue getting ready to deep dive. Don’t ask, just fucking do. Because I really don’t care and you KNOW I don’t care.
Heed Chris Rock: TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!
Okay, I will admit that fashion is one of the few things I place stock in. I try to look good and smell good (For me because no one else gives a rats ass) but for the most part I try to keep an eye on what looks stupid and I try to avoid it. With that being said, it looks like most people are NOT following the rules of fashion which are simple: don’t look like a fucking tool! How do you avoid that? Well, you follow these simple rules:
1. Pull up your god damn pants! Especially if you buy regular pants that fit and THEN let them hang off your ass. You look like a fucktard.
2. Flip your collar down! Seriously….was that EVER cool after the fucking 50’s? Bro’s need to let this go, especially the shirt under the shirt that has the collar flipped up. HOW LAME ARE YOU?!
3. Ladies, your jacket has to fit. Wearing a half jack and then complaining about being cold should result in getting punched in the ovaries. Dumb things like that should eliminate your right to procreate.
4. Do NOT let it all hang out. Now I am sure you will say that “it isn’t for you” and even if it isn’t show some god damn common sense. I mean logically, what reason do you need to show off your goodies in public? Having your titties hanging out SOUNDS like a good idea for getting a free drink and even catching a man…but is that the clientele you want? Think about it.
5. Black dudes….STOP WITH THE UGLY ASS JACKETS! I mean is it just me, or is the idea of Black men’s fashion to be as ugly and loud as you can allowable by the Fashion Police? Toss ugly baseball caps into that mix, too. The Bathing Apes craze is over. They were always ugly as sin and they still are. The more you look like brightly clothed monkeys, the more people will look at you that way. Aint a damn thing wrong with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. God, what ever happened to NORMAL.
6. If you aint got it (or got too much of it)…don’t flaunt it. Ladies, this has been happening quite a lot lately. I don’t have muscles so I don’t wear tight clothing. I attempt to stay within my fashion bounds. Now….ladies….just because you are a female and you believe the lies that you are all beautiful from dudes that want to fuck you doesn’t mean that everything works for you. If you have no ass, you don’t wear tight pants. If you have too much ass, don’t wear tight pants. You see, tight clothing is a thin line that you should only tread if you are truly ready for that kind of commitment to making that fashion work. You don’t want to see MY ROLLS so I don’t want to see yours. It’s only fair. It is interesting how other women critique other women about bad fashion but when I do it I’m a chauvinist that doesn’t respect women or their freedom to be happy with their body. I am all about being happy with your body but I am also about people managing their freedoms wisely.
7. Fur Isn’t Murder….It’s Just DAMN TACKY. New rule: the only fur that should be worn is from an animal you hunted and killed yourself. Brock Samson did it and so should you. I will make a lot of people think twice about getting a fur lined coat. That shit is damn lame. I mean seriously, you got fur from a small woodland animal and you are wearing it for fashion. Whoopty-damn-doo! It looks stupid because fur should be worn on FUCKING ANIMALS. That is IT. Unless you are going to grow a pair of nuts and just get a panda fur suit with a chinchilla liner inside then don’t even try to get fur. That shit is left for the ballinest of the ballin.
Just a few fashion tips to live by. That is all for now, just had to get those out. The rants are back for the most part as my process goes anger then apathy. Now I am good to go. You all stay up, because I am outta here. And don’t forget to vote at www.douchebrawl.com!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)