Now That's Big Pimpin.

Freeze! It’s me, fishes! After an extended absence (Damn, Tomb Raider Legends is ADDICTIVE. Better than the first five or so) I am back with a new post!

First things first: as you all know, I despise 50 Cent. There are only two people who I want dead, and those are 50 Cent and Curtis Jackson. Now I know to say I want someone dead is rather harsh. But I don’t give a fuck. This nigga has done nothing of service to anyone for the last 5 years. That man could cure cancer, find the Lindbergh baby, convict R. Kelly, capture Osama Bin Laden and help peace be declared in the Middle East and I would still want that Black bastard shot in the face. He sucks, he destroyed hip hop and he is breeding ignorance. Any person (Black person especially) that defends that fucktard should be shot in the face, too. I am sick and tired of that Black asshole trying to pass off shitty rap, utter and complete ignorance and a disregard of…well common sense into a lifestyle. You know what really pisses me off? NIGGAS LIVE AND DIE BY THE WORDS OF THIS FUCKER! I was watching a Common video last Thursday before my interview and all was okay. And then something came on that made me really just want to declare a Holocaust on Blacks. To my one Jew reader I apologize, but I was THAT PISSED OFF. Why in the fuck are niggas in love with this trifling fucking song “I Get Money?!”:

Now for all the people out there that says rap isn’t dead….it SO is. This song has just raped, tea bagged, pissed on and bukkaked the body of rap. After G-Unit performed a little DVDA on the corpse because that’s how them fuckers roll. If you are a fan of this song I hope you die. Seriously, that is “real talk”. This song has no fucking redeeming quality whatsoever and if you think that this is “real hip hop” then you are a real “fucking dipshit” and your death would be a benefit to REAL FANS of rap/hip hop because that would mean one less 50 Cent fan and the fewer of those that live the better for the rest of us normal humans.

People wonder why I get so mad about this. The most even parallel I can think of is someone that has been a baseball fan for years that stopped watching during the homerun barrage of the mid to late 90’s and wondered how people could watch when the game was being disgraced. I have loved rap for as long as I can remember. Hell, I used to watch “Krush Groove”, “Beat Street” and…”Breakin” every day. My catalog of cassettes (yes, cassettes) was comprised of Eric B. and Rakim, Three Times Dope, Kid ‘n’ Play (say what you want, you LOVED “House Party”), BDP and others. Don’t even get me STARTED on the awesomeness that was Public Enemy and NWA. Even though NWA was offensive as all hell, at the core of their rap was activism (police brutality, gang violence, etc.) that went over many people heads because people are stupid. Then, all hell broke loose with the East Coast/West Coast thing (which sucked because there were only ten good rappers out and of that ten only maybe four were involved. Chino XL? Tim Dawg? Not exactly mega-stars) because once again niggas ruin shit for everyone. I could care less what anyone says, hip hop was in critical condition when 2Pac died, the deathbed when Biggie died (I will admit, I wasn’t a major fan of the man but talent is talent) and officially hit flatline with Lauryn Hill winning all those Grammys. That day created a schism in rap that created the bastardized amalgam of “hip hop” we have today which is really just shitty R&B with 16 shittier bars on it. Oh, and Ne-yo singing the hook because any gay song can only get gayer with Ne-yo on it. To top it off, 50 Cent is considered rap which just…violates the grave of rap more than anything.

Which brings me to the recent world which is even WORSE because whenever someone tries something different from the “hip hop norm” it is branded as “gay” or “not real”. Yes…platinum chains are “real hip hop” but embracing the people is not? Fuck you. When Beans called Kanye West “gay” I thought to myself “What gives you the right?” Think about it, nothing in the world is gayer than hip hop. Add it up:

1. Long white shirts, although this has changed to any color now. (Might as well just wear a dress)
2. An over abundance of jewelry (Even thugs need to look pretty)
3. Over-stylized sunglasses (That’s hot…and also gay)
4. An entourage of 5 or more men usually dressed the same (Now THAT’S gang-banging!)
5. Bragging of sexual accomplishments (A blatant cover up for being “teh gay”)
6. Well managed hair (Because even a gangsta is worth it!)
7. Bravado and an overall panache that rivals Liberace (Yeah, now THAT is big pimpin. BIG GAY pimpin)
8. Fur. And lots of it! (I don’t care, fur is queer)

So as hardcore and macho hip hop has become….all these dudes are running around with no shirt on talking about love, money, style and cars. Sounds pretty fruity to me if I say so. And that is coming from someone who has been called gay since middle school so I have experience in traits. The fact is that hip hop is a shell of its former self and I know that the commercialization and the macoddity-ization (A little Dr. Tran humor…) of the genre plays a huge part in it. That has been used to defend the misogyny, the staleness and the overall lack of variety in hip hop for a few years. That is why songs like “I Get Money” are loved because:

1. Niggas are fucking stupid
2. That is sadly all there is.
3. Well, not all there is but all they will PLAY.
4. It is easier to be the norm than to be different.

Wow…hip hop has become high school. Back to my initial argument about 50 Cent needing to die. He is releasing his album on September 11th (Or as I call it the “Tower Crashing Party Time”….still too soon? Like I give a fuck. If Eminem can put a lyric about 9/11 in a DISS SONG then I can make a joke about it) along with Kanye West. As far as I am concerned this is a big day in terms of seeing how worthless people are. Now I am not calling Kanye the second coming of 2Pac in any way shape or form. However, when he keeps his fool mouth shut and makes music he is actually one of the Top 5 out hands down. However, when Fiddy keeps his mouth shut you can’t see his super-sized Master Shake teeth which helps us all out. With 50 Cent you are guaranteed to get the same shit we have heard over the last 4 years:

- Booty
- Bitches
- Bling
- Bullets
- Bentleys (Cars, but I am doing some quasi-alliteration here. Like it so far?)
- Braggadocio
- And…did I mention Booty?

Hell, here is a verse of “I Get Money”:

You can call this my new shit
but it aint new tho
I got rid of my old bitch (Bitches! Three lines in! I am so a genius!)
now I got new hoes (Booty AND bitches? Fiddy is a fucking renaissance man!)
first is was the Benzo
now im in the Enzo, Ferrari, im sorry! (Bentley…err….cars!)
I keep blowin up! (Oh!!)
they call me the cake man (Bling! Well, money but you get the idea)
the strawberry shake man
I spray the AR
make your whole click breakdance
backspin, headspin, flatline, ya dead then
9 shells, Mac-10, (Bullets! Hmm…I sense a pattern)
"who wan get it crackin?!"
I was young, I couldn’t do good
now I cant do bad (Braggadocio! I am ON IT!)
I ride, wreck the new Jag (Mo cars, no originality!)
I just buy the new Jag (Cars again! Nothing like repetition!)
now nigga why you mad?
Oh you can’t do that
im so forgetful, they callin me cocky
I come up out the jeweler, they callin me Rocky
it’s the ice on my neck man, the wrist and my left hand
bling like BLAOW
you like my style
ha ha im headin to the bank right now

Aaaaaaaaaaand that sucked. People think this song is good?! God…the only redeeming quality about that verse is that it ends. Not to say that Kanye is any different but at least he has variety. This is from “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”:

I had a dream I can buy my way to heaven
When I awoke, I spent that on a necklace. (Bling! It never stops!)
I told God I'd be back in a second,
Man It's so hard not to act reckless.
To whom much is given much is tested.
Get arrested, got some chili, get the message.
I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny,
And What I do? Act more stupidly.
Bought More Jewelry, More Louis V, My momma couldn't get through to me.
The drama, people suing me,
I'm on T.V. talking like it's just you and me.
I'm just saying how I feel man,
I ain't one of the Cosby’s I ain’t go to Hill man
I guess the money should've changed him,
I guess I should've forgot where I came From.

First off, it is almost half the length of Fiddy’s verse yet more is said in that than his first album. Also, Kanye has gotten progressively better and his albums seem to have a theme:

College Dropout – Hunger, the want for more for himself and others.
Late Registration – I got success…I’M THE SHIZNIT! Ballin out of control!
Graduation – Oy vey…I am kind of a prick. I need to level my head before I lose my mind.

Now put that in comparison to 50 Cent:

Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ – I GOT SHOT!
The Massacre (How telling, it’s what he did to hip hop) – I GOT MONEY AND I GOT SHOT!
Curtis (Original. Nice theme fucky) – I GOT MO MONEY AND….I GOT SHOT!

With albums from Common, Kanye West, Outkast (rumored) and Talib Kweli (WHAT THE FUCK, MAN! WHERE IS IT?!) this looked like a great year for hip hop to return to…well, not sucking taint. Now with albums from 50 Cent and Nelly coming not only will it suck taint, it will suck the balls as well. Well, better luck next year. Oh, and 50 still needs to fucking die for that movie of his alone.

Well, that was my rant. I was rather pissed and had to get that out. At some point this week I will have a preview of the 2008 Chachi Awards (not until January, but it is a good halfway point to begin the debates!) so stay tuned for that.

Oh, my review of “The Borne Ultimatum”! Well…just know that if you have any kind of motion sickness this movie is NOT FOR YOU! The same problem with the second one plagued this one for a while because that cameraman has Parkinson’s or something. That camera was all over the place. This movie was how you end a non-epic trilogy. Unlike “Return of the King” which was WAY TOO LONG and “Matrix Revelations” which was….wait what in the fuck happened in that movie?! Anyway, it was short, the action sequences were very good (although fewer and a hell of a lot shakier) and Julia Stiles left a rather sizable plot hole but it was pretty good. Nowhere near “Die Hard” in the non-epic action but up there. Overall, it is what it is. An end of summer minor blockbuster that pleases if you can focus your eyes. Chachi gives The Borne Ultimatum….

8 Out Of 10 Stars!
(The camera work will turn off some and annoy others. Past that is a great movie that shows other trilogies how to create some but not TOTAL closure with a series. The performances were surprisingly good as a whole, but no one stood out which was good and bad. All parts put together, a pleasant end of summer surprise.)

Whooo….that was LOOOOONG. I’m going to get some grub and hit the streets. I will be back before Friday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Oh, and Sowelu…I love you:

That noise you just heard was my seventh orgasm because of that video. Damn, Sowelu! Damn you and your tiny Asian hotness!

Chachi Out.