Until All Are One...

What is up peeps! I am back on the scene after a short hiatus (even longer on Blogger because it refused to update me yesterday) and it has finally come to pass. Last night, I saw the movie that I had been waiting for since 1986. No, not the sequel to “Labryinth” (although that would kick ASS!) I am talking about “Transformers”. After the long ass wait, the kickass trailers and the multitude of pissed off fans about the changes (Megatron as a jet, Bumblebee as a Camero) I got to view what was either going to be the most awesome moment of my life or what finally made me snap and start tossing small children like grenades. As you can tell, there was no violence but there almost was some. So after some retrospect, calming down and lots of asprin and Mucenex (sinus infection which means 10 days of phlegm, sore throats and soup) I give to you…

Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood!

This Week: Transformers!

Okay, there was some earth-shattering awesomeness in this movie. Here are a few of the bright spots.

The Good:

Epic In Scope, Once Again: Wow. I don’t know what the budget was (reports saw $310 million but that has to be an exaggeration) but it was well used. This fucking movie was a visual reach-around for your eyes. I came about eleven times (I know I promised I wouldn’t embarrass you, B. But it felt so good! It was Optimus Prime, dammit!) just from the transforming sequences. Each and every battle put Matrix Reloaded to shame (and as much as that movie sucked, the action sequences were awesome) and really showed how larger than life the Transformers were. Especially the battle of Optimus Prime and Bonecrusher on the highway. Just…WOW.

Shia LaBeouf: Okay, I liked “Even Stevens” and I loved “Holes” so I knew he could carry his part. Luckily, he carried the whole movie (which I will get into later) because Shia was great. He played a great Spike (hell, that bastard was totally faceless on the TV show and in the comic) and gave an (un)needed human element to the movie. I am sorry; I see no need for fleshbags in my robot movies. Megatron line, fools! What?! While other characters bordered on annoying, Shia made the movie for me.

The Actual Transformers: Despite the fact this was the most expensive GMC commercial ever the Transformers themselves were actually…real. I have to give someone (not Michael Bay) credit, aside from Bumblebee everyone was picked well and their robot modes didn’t look like the cartoon ones (WHERE IN THE HELL DID SIDESWIPES WHEELS GO?! SERIOUSLY!). Every detail was pinpoint on both the Autobots and Decepticons which goes along with the movie being epic. Just seeing Optimus Prime transform that first time in the alley…I cried. I was just so happy! Also, the faces were pretty well done and the voices fit (I was initially pissed they didn’t bring Frank Welker back for Megatron but that voice didn’t fit the Cybertronian jet) with each character, especially Starscream who DID NOT get enough screen time. Overall, the robots themselves were enough to give this movie a 10.

Okay, I Did Laugh. But It Was An Accident!: Okay, there was some funny in this movie. None of it was in the first 30 minutes which was a blatant ripoff of every teen movie EVER but that was the demographic they were trying to reach so that is tough shit for me. All that said, there were some funny segments (the Autobots “hiding” and Megatron and his flicking of the human like a flea. Priceless!) in the film and it wasn’t hit or miss like some movies this year in the joke department, more like hit or “Oh, heh I knew that was going to happen.” Shrek 3, I am looking right at you. Shia was pretty funny while Tyrese was funny because…well the man is like Will Smith. He doesn’t act as much as he plays himself REAL WELL. Even still, it was good stuff.

I’LL SMASH YOU GOOD!: Shit blows up in this movie. A lot. There is one thing that Michael Bay does well and that is blow shit up reeeeeeeeeeeal proper-like. If you thought shit blew up in “The Island” you aint seen jack-diddly-crap yet. It made “Pearl Harbor” look like “Hello Kitty’s Candy Time Adventure” and I don’t mean the real “Pearl Harbor” because that was a tragedy so shut your fucking mouth, pseudo-patriots. Just like the actual Michael Bay MOVIE about Pearl Harbor but that is another rant altogether. The epic battles were accompanied by a symphony of glass, tires, concert and sinew flying every which way but Thursday. It was fucking magnificent. Adding in the robots, the explosions and the scope of the movie made it kick ass…for the most part.

Despite all the awesomeness, there were parts of this movie that reeked of suckitude.

The Bad:

Who The Fuck Mixed In Bad Boys II With My Transformers!: New rule. Michael Bay is not allowed to do anything where things don’t go boom. Like…adding things. ANYTHING. ANY-FUCKING-THING! I swear, from the thinly veiled lame racist humor was just lame. I counted the unnecessary offending of six ethnic groups. I am all about provocative humor, even for the sake of a cheap laugh but Jazz break dancing was ridiculous. Might as well just given him a bucket of chicken and had him call Optimus Prime “Massa Prime” while shucking and jiving to “Dixie”. Okay, it wasn’t THAT bad (maybe “Sun Shines Bright On My Old Kentucky Home”) but still it was rather annoying and poor humor doesn’t belong in a movie of such kick-assedry. Also, there were a few R. Kelly jokes (I just don’t think piss is funny unless it is the “Piss On You”):

Which needless to say, didn’t really drag down as much as piss off, no pun intended. What really pissed me off were the pointless camera tricks and slow-motion. Just because everything is cooler in slow motion doesn’t mean that EVERYTHING IS COOLER IN SLOW-FUCKING-MOTION! That rotating slow camera move from “Bad Boys II” was pertinent to the film and scene because it was used to set up the final showdown in Cuba. The slow turn and blinding sun over the shoulder was used to show the helicopters and see that they were in for a battle in Cuba that SO WOULDN’T CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT. Those same scenes were used here because…windows got blown out. Just because you can and have the budget, doesn’t mean you have to add in pointless camera tricks. Here is a camera trick, SHOW ME A FUCKING ROBOT! This may seem like nit-picking but see the movie and tell me the first 30 or so minutes isn’t annoying as hell and full of “Bay-arized” moments.

Show Some Love For The Bug!: So I could accept Megatron as a Cybertronian jet because it fit in with the...err…”plot.” Frenzy as the ADD afflicted robo-chimp was okay just for the fact I wanted to see some Frenzy (And where was Soundwave?). But not having Bumblebee be the Volkswagen was CRAP. “It wasn’t realistic” Michael Bay said. It is a movie based on a comic book/cartoon franchise (Which are the cornerstone of realism) that had cars/jets/tanks/tigers/spiders/rats that turn into 4 story tall robots. THE CONCEPT ITSELF ISNT REALISTIC, YOU PRICK! You got a boatload of money from GMC to put the fucking car in there and that is that. If you are going to change it just say the damn truth. This honestly is a small gripe, but it was just a harbinger (A word that was used in this movie that the bros next to me didn’t know what meant. That was priceless) for this point…

Plot? Who Needs A Plot When We Have Explosions!: Okay, creative license is cool for a comic book/cartoon movie when you want to crossover audiences. They did it with Spiderman (Organic web-shooters), X-Men (Wolverine’s claws) and Masters of the Universe (The whole fucking movie. A synthesizer?! N-word please!) and it was met with varying success. In this movie…it was just like they added a human element that wasn’t really helpful. Tyrese Gibson was Black, Megan Fox was scantily clothed (Which brought in the bro-factor like gangbusters. God, the bro at the end of the row creamed his fricking pants) and Anthony Anderson was Anthony Anderson. Which equaled annoying. The plot was simple and at the end they managed to fuck it up (or at least “Dues Ex Machina” it) to come to an ended that could have easily been replicated if they knew anything about the history of the Transfomers. The plot made sense to fans, but was dumbed down for the casual fan which made some people (like myself and the guy a seat down from me) kind of flip out. Getting casual fans by making characters accessible is one thing, dumbing down the product or franchise is not. It’s transforming robots, not Star Wars. If your brain can’t comprehend that you shouldn’t be watching movies.

No Stan Bush?! No White Lion?! This Isn’t A Soundtrack, It’s A SUCKtrack!: Now this is TOTAL nit picking but where in the fuck was “You’ve Got The Touch?!” You cannot have a Transformers movie without Stan Bush. You just can’t! It is like “Rocky” without a montage with “Gonna Fly Now!” It’s like Star Wars without John Williams! It’s like “Bleach” without “Number One!” You are taking away from the movie, man! When Optimus rolls into downtown…wait, where the fuck were they? See, plot issues! Anyway, when Optimus Prime makes his entrance for the battle with Megatron I thought they were going to play that song. WRONG! I thought when Spike got into Bumblebee during the Autobots introduction it was going to play. WRONG! When Prime says “Autobots, roll out!” I thought “This is the PERFECT TIME for that song. WRONG! Instead we got the Goo Goo Dolls. The damn Goo Goo Dolls. Because we know if there is any band that says giant robots that transform into vehicles, it’s the Goo Goo Dolls. That was a small thing they could have done to nod the original but instead…we got piss jokes and The Cars. Ha ha…! No.

Okay, overall this movie kicked the ass. However, the film wasn’t without Michael Bay’s attempt to “Bay-arize” it. Die-hard fans need to go into this know that this isn’t “Transformers the Movie” as much as it is a movie about the Transformers. Unlike the cartoon, they are not the stars, you realize that about an hour and twenty minutes into the movie after they are introduced. It wasn’t for us; it was for the casual fan and moviegoer. They tossed in enough of the Transformers continuity and lexicon to keep us quiet while everything else was product placement (Keep an eye out for the Mountain Dew-bot. I call him “X-Dewey”), MTV style humor and things going BOOOOOOOM!!! Shia LeBeouf for the Josh Duhamel for the ladies, Megan Fox for the bros (I’m sorry, that skirt was just not hot as much as it said “You’re going to need a credit card for that, baby”), Tyrese, John Tuturo and Anthony Anderson for minorities and explosions and action for all. Oh, and some robots that transform for the geeks.

Now my words for this movie were harsh because I was expecting a lot from this film. When it all breaks down, taking into account the movie’s full body of work it was actually fucking awesome. “Transformers” didn’t have the luxury of character depth (a la “Batman Begins” or “Spiderman”) or being able to focus on its core audience (see “300”, “Sin City” and “Hellboy”). With the cost of this kind of blockbuster, it had to involve all fans and that is fine by me. I made it seem like that put a Ford logo on the Millennium Falcon and turned Chewbacca into a jive talking Wookie (Whachu talkin’ bout, Solo?) but it really wasn’t that bad. The problems were small and even the most avid Transformer fan SHOULD be able to get past them. If you have seen a Michael Bay movie you will know what to expect and you can just give a slight “god dammit” when you see something stupid. Don’t worry, robot awesomeness is coming. After all of that, the good and bad I am going to give this movie something I thought I was NOT going to give it initially. Master Chief Captain Chachi gives “Transformers”…

10 Out of 10 Stars!
(When it is all said and done, the awesomeness that is Transformers ends up triumping over the evil that can be Michael Bay. Overall, he didn’t destroy the movie as much as tried to put his stamp on it when he really didn’t need to. That’ll do, Bay. That’ll do. The action shines by itself, the plot starts off as a hit and then goes downhill from there but still makes sense. The actual Transformers themselves are FUCKING AWESOME, even Jazz. Combine that with suprising performances by the human characters and you have a very good movie and rhe biggest blockbuster of the summer. This will never be up to a Star Wars or a Lord of the Rings level in terms of epic, but it is still up there. It is simple, awesome summer fun. Peeps, transform and roll out! To the theater to see this movie, I mean)

Man that was LONG. However, that review was 20 or so years or so in the making so I wanted to be through and in-depth. I was expecting a lot, and I got a lot. Oh, and Michael Bay ISN’T the anti-Christ. That is Joel Schumacher. Well, everyone enjoy your middle of the week 4th of July. Odds are I will see “Transformers” again either tonight or tomorrow. Also, this Friday may be Denver Action Fun Time if Rick can find time to not be all happy with his pretty lady and hang out with me! I want some wine and cheese, fool! I guess turnabout is fairplay. Curse you, Richards! I will be back on Friday with the Top 20 Video Countdown and maybe before then depending on what I do tomorrow. Until then, stay up peeps! Remember, you got the touch:

YOU GOT THE POW-URRRRRRRRR! Man, THAT should have been in the movie. Better it wasn’t; I would have had to go all “Grandma’s Boy” in the theater.

Chachi Out.