Down And Out At Wal-Mart

So I learned something today:

Wal-Mart is the funniest place on Earth.

I went to The Mart to get a replacement controller for my PS2. I have a hankering for some Smash Court Tennis 2 and I broke my old controller…because of Smash Court Tennis 2. I smashed that controller good, fuck a Kim Clijisters! The woman is retired and pregnant, dammit! Anyway, as I was making my way through the masses of ugly, ugly people I heard the following pieces of Americana conversation:

To an I would guess 8 or 9 year old boy:
“Put down that “Guns and Ammo”, we got that same issue at home!” (This was probably funny to just me)

“Why would someone drink bottled water when it comes from the hose for fucking free?!” (I’m sorry; I can’t replicate the imbred anger in this man’s voice. Just trust me that it was hilarious)

“Bro, they are out of Kilo Axe Body Spray?! Bogus!” (First off…who says “bogus” aside from Bill and Ted? Secondly, I turned the corner to realize they were redneck bros which literally broke my brain. I’m still having trouble forming sentences)

“That’s a fine piece of tail” (This would be normal except it was a dude my age, or at least I would think with his beard and full on Iroc-ing mullet. Oh, and he was talking about Hannah Montana…who is about 14)

“Whooooooooo, Tim McGraw!” (Now this isn’t funny as much as a I fucking hate Tim Mc-fucking-Graw. Fuck him in his stupid cowboy hat wearing head. Depressing ass mother-fucker. If you like Tim McGraw then fuck you, too. We can take it to the stage)

“NASCAR Spelling Game?” (This was actually me. Can you say “oxymoron”?)

To top it all off, there was a lady in the line across from me with SIX kids. All of them crying. I said under my breath:

“God, I could never have more than two kids.”

Unfortunately, the cashier heard me and asked:

“Yeah, more than two is a lot of darn kids. Why not?”

My filter was off (like it is ever ON) and I slipped up and said:

“Only got two hands. Out of ammunition after that.”

Oops. Or so I thought until she responded:

“Whenever. I only need one leg to stand on. After two slaps I’m breaking a foot off in their ass if you catch my drift…oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say…!”

To which I responded:

“That may have been the most awesome thing anyone has ever said at any point in time anywhere in history.”

Peeps, sometimes life is magic. Oh, and I got "eyeball suprise sexed" four times. To all the women that get ogled, I officially apologize on behalf of men even if they won’t. I felt so…violated. Curse these rogue, yet boyish good looks! I guess when you are Grade A, All-American Come-And-Get-It, they really come and get it. Whether you are down or not. Stay up, I’ll be back soon.

Chachi Out.

Oh, and with summer coming up you gotta play it safe around power lines!

Louie the lighting bug, fishes!