I’m back, fishes! Pretty good weekend on this end. Had to spend a little extra with the modem for the Internet and paying extra on bills just in case shit hits the fan and I have to go back to pimping teen prostitutes to make ends meet. I really don’t want to go upside a bitches’ head…but I will to feed my manga habit.
So on Friday, Zach and I went to Blondies (FUCK! Wasn’t I boycotting them?!) and I did what I do best: people watch and have the ladies avoid me. Yeah, it’s a skill. The part that sucked about the evening was the “Bro-Bomb” that exploded downtown. You know, as much as I despise Bros (right above Thugs, Dumb Women and Rednecks) they are the most hilarious and interesting to observe. Using my non-verbal communication skills and my uber-awesome sense of what is lame I was able to come to a conclusion that may change the power structure of men and women (or at least Bros and other Bros) as we know it. Peeps, after extensive monitoring and research I have found that…
Bros Are The New Chick.
I know you think I am crazy, as did Zach when I told him. Really put everything about Bros into perspective. When you hash it all out, they are totally the lesser species.
FACT: Bros Reek Of Non-Conformist Conformity
Much like women, Bros require Non-Conformist Conformity. Contradiction if terms, you say? Well, look at Bros. They all dress and look the same. Polo shirt with the collar flipped up, vintage (un-ironed) shorts, sandals and an AE hat turned backward for street cred. Prove me wrong. Oh, sometimes they go for the business look and wear some khakis…with the same sandals. They have stores specifically targeted toward them and they are mass marketed (American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, Old Navy…and like eight or so others) which is the epitome of Non-Conformist Conformity. What is Individual Conformity? It’s when people believe they are being individuals by embracing and following the norm. What is more individualistic than being just like everyone else? Hell, Bros are more Non-Conformist Conformists than EMO KIDS! At least Emo Kids have some cool music; Bro-Tunes SUCK ASS. Simple fact is that all Bros dress, think and act alike even though there are subsets of the Bro-Culture (another post altogether). Oh, and those wondering how women fall into Non-Conformist Conformity…watch the Disney Channel, Bratz, MTV or go to the club. No matter the age, most women need to be different by being just like everyone else. Let that marinate. Keep in mind I’m not saying ALL but if you cannot rationalize that statement odds are you are guilty of it; at some point we all are just Bros more than others.
Fact: Bros Get Touchy When They Are Drunk
This I have seen (and almost been a victim of in college, actually) first hand and I must say it is SCARY! When Bros get drunk, they lose their inhibitions (Just like women and DON’T DARE SAY THAT IS FALSE) and begin to open up their personal space and erogenous boundaries. The problem is, much like women do with men sometimes, it is a same sex party. I witnessed three Bros move women out of the way to dance with another Bro. To MADONNA. I mean if that doesn’t scream gay then I don’t know what the hell does. Bros also touch total strangers (only dudes, though) and say things like “Dude, are we cool?” out of the blue as they gaze at you longingly (no shit, it happened to me at Thirsty Parrot and I was scared). Much like a woman will grab you and with her drunken gaze ask “Am I pretty?” to which I reply “Well, in Buddha’s eyes, we are all pretty” to which I get a confused look that is a Pyrrhic victory for me. Long story short, Bro’s are drunkenly looking to find someone to “Bro Out” with much like chicks are looking for someone to drunkenly “Whore Out” with. Man, I need to write a book.
FACT: Bros Are Attention Whores
Oy…where do I start with this one? When both are drunk:
Women: I AM SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW!
Bros: I AM SO FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW!
See a parallel? Let’s go again. When both are drunk and hear a marginally popular song:
Women: Oh, this is my song! SHAWTY LET ME BUY YO’ DRAAAAAAANK!
Bros: Shaaaaaa, it’s the Doctor! LA-DEE-DA-DEE-DA! IT’S THE MUTHERFUCKIN D-R-E!
Still not convinced? When confronted about their sexual behavior:
Women: Wha-eva! I am NOT A WHORE!
Bros: Fuck you, bro! I am NOT GAY! No homo over here!
You get the idea. Both women and Bros have to be the center of attention at all times. This has been scientifically proven by me on several occasions whether it be the blowing off of women at the club when I am in conversation (Rick and I did that a couple of times at the Giggly Grizzly and The Loft) and them subsequently getting upset or thinking I and whoever I am with are gay. Also note the pole dancing, the kissing of other women but not being gay, and of course the grinding for no reason. Bros are the loudest, most obnoxious A-holes in the building and usually grind up on women or EACH OTHER while making sure that everyone knows that Bro Phi Bro is in the place to be and they go UCCS Uni-Ver-Si-Tee. If women don’t respond they call her a “bitch” or whatever word in their limited vocabulary they can think to call a woman. Sound familiar? They want the attention, but on their own terms. All the power, none of the responsibility. Yeah, circular reasoning; no holes in my logic.
FACT: Bros Are Totally Insecure
Now this was a difficult one to observe since Bros (much like women) are all sound and fury signifying nothing. Women will say that they don’t need no man and they don’t take shit from anyone…yet will be in a relationship with someone even they call worthless. Behind all that ego and false female pride is an insecure woman that sticks with an unwanted situation because she is afraid of being alone. Now Bros are a different animal because in this case they are more like Emo-kids or Goths. I rarely see Bros by themselves at all and when I do their bravado is turned down to zero. Also, I knew Bros in college and when it was just he and I you wouldn’t even know that he was a bro. But get him at the Ritz or Rumbay and he lost his mind because it was all about the Bro-jamins, baby! A friend of mine (Ethan) in my Women’s Studies and Gerontology classes’ Junior year was a dude that you would never know was a “Bro” because he despised other Bros. He even told me one thing that really made me think:
“The fake-ass Bros here are a step below the Emo-kids because at least the Emo-kids have something they stand for, albeit stupid. A real “Bro” doesn’t call himself a “bro” any-damn way. A “Bro” is just someone who is for everyone understanding each other. Like…hell, hippies that bathe. True Bros don’t call themselves “Bro”, they call everyone else Bro because we are all brothers as in family no matter what your race, religion or gender, man.” (Note: He used to get high…a lot. Deep stuff, he was my road dog since Freshman year)
Ethan and I used to get food in the break 2 hour between the Ethnic Studies and Gerontology classes with some females from the morning Women’s Studies class and debate about stuff like this and you know what? We never lost. Because they ALL dated Bros (Even worse they were “G.I. Bros” which are one of the worst of the worst. I’ll have a post on the kinds of Bros at some point for fun) and when asked why they even STATED it was insecurity of leaving them because they fear what is out there. Ethan (who knew Bros, he was like a Bro Obi-Wan in Wisconsin where he transferred from) even explained that Bros are insecure about being seen as “punks” by women so they act like jerkasses and that some were just born A-holes and becoming a obnoxious Bro was just easy. Just like women who gave it up in high school so when they got to college they said “Well, cant get off the Ho-Train now!” God, I’m going to die alone at this rate.
That is that. Bros are the Chicks of 2007. Now don’t go getting all pissy. Not all women constantly display the four aforementioned traits but from what I have observed and have been told to me, these are the consistent attitudes of women and they transfer almost perfectly to Bros. Oh, one last thing: both Bros and women have like a set of three dance moves they live and die by.
Women: The Drop It, The Over The Shoulder Look/Hip Shake and Anything that causes your eyes to look at their chest (Women aren’t innovators on the dance floor. Ask MC Hammer)
Bros: The Roll The Dice, The Sprinkler and the Kid N’ Play Move (The grabbing of one leg and thrusting. I’m going to call it the “Bro Bro Gadget”)
See, this is why I should call myself a Doctor. I have a Bachelors in Communications and a Minor in Women’s Studies and Sociology. Works for Dr. Orpheus:
If you can’t see the humor in that, there is something wrong with you. I’ll be back up at some point this week, probably with a rant not Bros. Unless it’s the Venture Bros. Go Team Venture!
Chachi Out.
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