What is up! It has been a pretty kickass Sunday weather-wise here in the CSP. I hope you r-tards enjoyed it! I kid, I kid. So this weekend gave the world the most pivotal movie since The Wizard. This Sunday, I give you a special edition of:
MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD!
AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FILM FOR THEATERS
After three push backs of the release, ATHFCMFFT came out on Friday. First off, I hate ‘bros’. More on that shit later. Second off, as Zach and I entered the theater for a movie that we knew would totally rock our faces, we realized something. The theater was damn near empty. Which is BULLSHIT. I will never understand how people will buy tickets to ‘Grindhouse’ and ‘Norbit’ and they will say it’s enjoyable but when a movie like the Aqua Teens or Reno 911 comes out people “don’t get it”. If you “get” Grindhouse but don’t “get” the Aqua Teens then you need to be shot in the fucking face. Because it will save me from having to handle your retarded children because if there is one thing fucktards do, it is breed. Like rabbits, just ask the Catholics. ZING!
Anyway, back to the movie. The first 30 seconds of the movie had the true fans (and I knew who they were because when Zach went to give Greg his ticket, someone asked ‘what’s up with him’ and when I said “I think the doctor said he has cancer, Meatwad” he responded did he tell him that he didn’t? THAT is a true fan) rolling in the aisle. Like the drum playing nachos said ‘If you don’t get it, this movie is NOT FOR YOU!’ Those that didn’t laugh were in for a ROUGH evening.
Aqua Teen, much like Reno 911 stayed true to the show. I by doing so, it alienated a lot of people (which was evident by the walkouts by people during both times I saw it) but by staying true to the show, it actually made for a better experience. First off, this actually had a plot. Which is quite impressive seeing as how the nine minute episodes don’t have plots but they could fit one into a eighty-seven minute movie. Seriously, this had a beginning, a middle and a….well….it ended. The movie covered everything from the origin of the Aqua Teens to a wanton, bloody death of a kitten. Nothing to do with plot development, but shooting kittens out of a plasma cannon is pretty fucking sweet.
It is surprising how much funnier a movie about a show that curses a lot is when it is unedited. The South Park movie was unedited and despite the awesomeness of it, the movie lost some of its luster that the show brought by being unedited. Not ATHF. When Carl screams ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY DOOR?’ and they attempt to bleep out ‘fuck’ but miss, that was priceless. Surprisingly, the cursing was kept to a minimum and most of what was awesome was the dialog. Master Shake was in rare form especially his telling of the origin that included a voodoo witch doctor Abraham Lincoln, slavery video games and a fire breathing poodle. All in the first three minutes.
Where the movie really shines is the animation. The five new backgrounds just SCREAMED avant-garde and rivaled the great Pixar films in its quality. You could almost see the salt on each of Frylock’s fry…locks. The Insanoflex was epic in scope and can only be appreciated in its full 3-D glory. And the movie wasn’t even in 3-D! That is completely bad ass! Not only was the animation awesome, the plot was…a plot. Seeing as I believe the creators have UADD (Uber-Attention Deficit Disorder) I was surprised how well the plot flowed for 84 of the 87 minutes. The last three minutes, in true form of the Aqua Teens made you question everything you ever believe in. It was that monumental and mind-blowing.
In all seriousness, this is a movie that based on its own merit will be funny to the casual movie-goer but will not be as HILARIOUS as it will be to the fans of the show. To the non-fans: you are ‘teh suck’ because this movie rules you! It totally kicks ass! And the soundtrack is awesome (especially the powerful rendition of “Nude Love” and the body-rockin “I Like Your Booty, But I’m Not Gay”) and well worth the listen if you are down for having your ears bleed in total kick-assitude. Overall, this movie is frickin bad ass and if you don’t watch this movie, you are a nerd. AND NERDS GET SPANKED WITH MOON ROCKS!! Seriously, go see it. So overall, ATHFCMFFT gets…
10 out of 10!!
)You don’t need no instructions, to know how to laugh! Go see it now or I will bite your torso and give you a disease!!)
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, there is a major problem today. It was covered in Newsline and I know you have seen them You know who they are, and odds are you humor them rather than help them. You may ignore then and say it isn’t you problem. But it IS your problem. It is all of our problems. That problem is ‘bros’.
Now I know you think you are cool. You think you are all ‘down’ because you are all about the Jack Johnson and the DMB but the simple fact is you suck. You suck it hard and dry and you need to fucking die. Now don’t get me wrong, I have known my share of bros. When I was in college, Evan was a bro but he was cool. He had the slippers and the polos and he even called me ‘bro (which I despised) but I never feared once he was ever going to rape me. Mainly because he didn’t associate with the ‘Super-Bros’ and hated them more than I do. It’s like people who dress gothic compared to the popular ‘Goth’ lifestyle. Chase said it best: ‘Dude, capes RULE’. That was enough for me.
The sad part about ‘bros’ is they live up to the lifestyle of being a bro. Not all thugs wear gaudy jewelry and baseball caps. Not all whores dress like whores. Not all Goths believe life is suffering and pain is love. However, all bros drink Nati Ice or some other cheap beer (yes, I see ANYTHING by Busch as being cheap beer). The all have the upside down visor and worship Dane Cook. They all play Frisbee golf (which is just fucking stupid) and they ALL listen to “The Johnson” which is the ULTIMATE innuendo EVER. Oh, and they are all closet gay. Seriously, I have seen it. When the women decide that they don’t want no ‘bro love’ the bros try to love…each other. At first its just playful wrestling and then after a few keg stands, some GameCube, a little beer pong and discussions on the differences between Phish and The Grateful Dead it turns into full on ass breaching. It’s how rape starts, I’ve seen “The Accused”.
What is even weirder is the embrace of gangsta rap by bros. Not only is The Johnson on the playlist but 50 Cent, Eminem and Dr. Dre (fuck…I don’t like where this is going) creep their way into the rotation, too. As mc chris sad, white kids LOVE hip hop. It is evident by my excursion to the Thirsty Parrot, or as I call it the ’Bro Hole.’ You can use that, I don’t mind. Bros (well, white people in general but especially bros) know all the words to rap songs and have to sing a long, the n-words and all. Which is SPECIAL because they ALWAYS look around to make sure no black people are around before they do it. It’s priceless.
The simple fact is that bros are making a resurgence (they were gone for a while from about 2005 to mid-2006) and it is good for no one. Pretty soon, there will be bro stores! Aside from Abercrombie and Fitch I mean. There will be bro specific movies (aside from ‘Harold and Kumar’ and ‘Fight Club’) and even bro drinks! They did it for Blacks with malt liquor and drunkard females with bottled mixed drinks/shots and pretty soon there will be ‘Bro Brew’ and ‘Johnson Juice’. God…this needs to stop. I need to break out the Dominator AND the Equalizer. I’m through playing around with ya’ll!
Well, I have gotten that out of my system. I will be back up this week at some point (probably Wednesday) and then the Countdown on Friday. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out.
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