2011: The Year I Finally Find Out What Meatloaf Won't Do For Love

Guess who is back for the 2011?! Yeah, I know it has been a while but you know how it is. Holidays are busy and sometimes you have to tell them haters to fuck themselves in their own faces. Well, not always in that way but they know what they can do.

So it is a new year and a new decade. I have been doing this blog since about February of 2006, going on five years. Even though I haven’t blogged NEAR AS MUCH as I used to, this has still been a great outlet for my happiness and my rage. Mostly rage because…well, people piss me off a lot. But over the years I have had some great blogs (The Zebra Theory, What’s Wrong With Being Shallow, etc.) and some that I kind of wonder how drunk I was when I wrote them (Any blog with an undertone of a woman doing something wrong…which was pretty much all of 2006-2008’s posts) but each post served a purpose and for the readers I did have (Which I am sure I have lost due to my infrequent updates) that got anything from them I am glad to see that it helped in some way. Or truly mindfucked you, either way its better to feel mindfucked than nothing at all.

So last year I spoke a lot about doing what was best for you, especially if what you are doing is to your detriment. Now, as usual, I didn’t FOLLOW MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE and damn near went nuts doing something that personally made me feel like the same Katt Williams clip I played about the tiger:

Boy did I feel like a tiger in a cage. Trying shit, not working, switching up, not working and repeat. Needless to say, those that know me understand what I am talking about and know that I needed to show a motherfucker that I wasn’t bullshitting. You know the deal.

So let’s put the focus on something that I haven’t really spoken about because…I haven’t really blogged since September or so of last year and blogging is about motivation. That and fuckers don’t read anymore. Thinking about Copper’s idea and posting videos on YouTube but there is no originality in that because like I always say, give a fuckwit technology and it will end up on YouTube. Don’t believe me: see Fred. Nuff’ said. So on my sabbatical before I begin my new endeavor, I was remember some things I used to rant about and I had to see something. People that know me (I mean really know me. No offense to casual acquaintances but it is what it is) have seen that over the last two years, I have calmed down (Minus two days worth of rage after some bullshit events in 2010 but once again, I had to go down that rabbit hole to realize that I needed to get the hell away) to a great extent because at the end of the day life is what you make of it and people are what they make of themselves. You can’t blame others for your problems and you can’t fix those that don’t want to be fixed. Realize those two things and you will be a lot happier, as was I. So tonight, I will bring you the first installment of…

Chachi’s One To Grow On: What Did You Learn?

Yes, I know I say that a lot and now I say it to myself whenever something comes up. And away we go!

What Did I Learn From Bros?

For those of you that don’t know what a bro is, here is a news report for you that should explain:

Now two years ago I HATED BROS. Mostly because in Colorado Springs, I couldn’t walk five feet without seeing some fucktard in an Abercrombie shirt with their hat turned backward talking about the new Hoobastank album. News flash: HOOBASTANK SUCKS. They ruined the Red Martini by getting beer at a martini bar (Call me pretentious but I think that is kind of asinine. Like ordering a hamburger at a sushi restaurant) and made club impossible to go to as they would get drunk and fight, like niggas but minus the humor and entertainment because there is nothing better than a thug fight. That being said, after moving out of the Springs and its sometimes ass-backwards social life I saw that bros are everywhere. In Denver there are MORE OF THEM AND MY GOD THEY CAN BE ANNOYING but Denver also has hipsters, douchebags, wannabe thugs and of course dudes in tight pants. After a while, you realized you can only do what you can. Bros will get drunk, yell “NO HOMO!” and be all-around asshats but in the end you have to just do what you do and have fun where you can. Besides, if you are going to let someone else dictate or diffuse your fun with their actions, unless they are directly impeding your enjoyment, you are an idiot because its YOUR life and it is up to you to enjoy yourself. I would prefer bros be kicked out of bars when they order bottle service and dance on tables (Wow…bros sound like drunk women. MESSAGE!) but they aren’t and I cant stop it so I respect their right to be idiots as long as they don’t impede on me. That’s growing up…in the most ass way possible. I’m not perfect, assholes.

What Did I Learn From Women

Not a MOTHERFUCKING thing. Well, let me clarify that statement. Much like as a Black man I learn little to nothing from Flavor Flav and 50 Cent, I understand that some people are just going to be who they are. You cant stop them, and nor do you want to because I would hate having someone tell me who to be. That doesn’t mean I’m not being a fucking dipshit, I just don’t want to hear about it. Over the last ten years I have heard all the theories and lies about women being smarter than men by women with no science to back it up (Because intelligence is situational unless you are focusing on specific subjects) and men who tell that lie so they can fuck them. Sadly, lying equals fucking. If you are a woman that says “I would never fuck a man that lies to me!” then you are lying to yourself because every man that has fucked you or tried to fuck you, whether maliciously or unconsciously has lied to you because the vagina is like the lying bush (My innuendo is priceless). For some reason, men will say anything they can to get into it no matter the consequences. I used to think that men were taking advantage of women because men would say what women wanted to hear, fuck them and then leave them but there is one thing I have learned from women over the last few years:

They hear what they want, when they want.

Now most people do that, no matter what. But if a woman WANTS to believe you love her, then she will. If a woman wants to fuck you, she will. Whether or not she (or he) thinks of the repercussions is a different blog and the answer IS FUCKING NO BECAUSE HUMANS ARE STUPID. I guess I learned that in some ways I didn’t give women enough credit from the standpoint that decisions made are theirs. They know what they are getting into from the beginning. Not in a negative way, but when a woman has sex and she gets pregnant it isn’t like SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM AND HOW THEY ARE MADE! If she doesn’t, then there are bigger problems that she needs to tackle. If she has sex with a man and regrets it because he doesn’t call her back…or even better stalks her…she knew the end results that could happen. I know I do, and I had to accept them. Boy, did I have to accept them. Fun times, they were NOT being scared to GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT IN FEAR.

What I have learned from women is that they are people. Okay, I know that sounds bad but they can do stuff now!

In all seriousness, those in the know understand what I mean when I say that for a long time I wondered whether women were crazy (Literally. I’ll tell you after a few drinks) because there was no reason for the actions I had seen. Now I say this from what I HAVE SEEN, not what you have seen. Since those days and stepping out of the Springs I realize that women know what they are doing at all times. To think that they don’t would be insane. Whether or not they believe in the consequences of their actions once again is another blog altogether. Now let me say that men don’t get off easy here. The douchery I have seen among men and their actions to women has been mind-numbingly RIDICULOUS and I understand why some women out there think the way they think about men because a good majority of us are one chromosome away from being missing links. That brings me back to what I learned about women being people. People make mistakes, but they also have to decide what they want to learn from them. I would have to say that the main thing I have learned is that I know nothing and have a lot more to learn. I have met people that have made mistakes and learned from them and those are the female friends I am closest to. I also have ones that have made mistakes and will blame anyone and everyone except themselves…and they aren’t my friends anymore. If you aren’t trying to get better, you are getting left behind. Yeah, I said it.

Well, I am about to cut out of this piece. Getting late and its hella cold. I’ll try to be back over the weekend and if not, then definitely on Monday to give an update on the new position. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. Minus The Pervert In The Red Suit, I Mean.

What is up, peeps? I am back after another hiatus and it was a pretty good rest. Blogging is a lot harder than it used to be, mostly because of how much work I have to put into not ripping people a new one solely for the fact that they deserve it. If there I have learned NOTHING this year it is the fact that some people flat out never learn and no matter what you do or say, their dipshittery will reign supreme over logic and….well common sense. In the end you let them do their own dumb shit, and the universe will right itself as it may. In other words, fuck them.

So that brings me to today’s blog. Now it has been a long while since I have done a blog about something/a topic rather than just posting random thoughts. In this case, I just deemed it time to kick it old school because there are sometimes that I miss the old me from a creative standpoint. What I feel like blogging about this week ties into something that has been a running theme of this blog since I started this in 2006:

LEARNING

Now learning is something that is a case by case and person by person basis. Two people can go through the same situation and learn COMPLETELY different things from that situation. In the end, netiher is wrong because you learned something. What is key is how you use what you have learned to either climb out of that spot or go down the ladder further. Or in the case of some people, stay in the EXACT SAME SPOT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LOSE THE COMFORT. Sad, I admit.

I had a conversation yesterday with someone that I kind of trust, more so than most people I have known, and I came to a very interesting conclusion about people and how they handle problems:

You are only as broken as you let yourself become.

Honestly, no one escapes their childhood unscathed or goes through life without issue. Shit happens, you accept it, take it on the chin and fight back or you avoid it. No matter what path you choose, if something happens and you don’t take SOMETHING out of it to grow on, why in the fuck do you get up in the morning? You might as well just read those choose your own adventure books because you sure as hell aren’t getting any substance out of doing the same things that weren’t getting you any substance before.

Well, I’m out for now. I’ll be back later this week for something more in-depth. Got to get ready for another week. Until next time, stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

People Who Say Life Is Complex Or Hard Don't Know The Konami Code.

What is up, peeps?! I am back again real quick because…well it has been 48 hours since I have had a drink and I am running on about 5 hours of sleep over the last three days. HELLS YES!!! I give it until Wednesday until I start seeing giant blue panda bears dancing to Debbie Gibson’s “Shake Your Love”:

I am MESSED UP. No seriously, this shit aint normal. Even though I like “Lost In Your Eyes” a hell of a lot better. So I do have to say that the urge of getting back into blogging again has been really helpful. A friend of mine brought up a great point about sometimes life gets in the way of doing the things you enjoy which are simple and you take for granted until you don’t do them anymore. I must say that this has been one of them. After taking time to read my past blogs…they were scathing as hell. At least I didn’t keep that rage inside and got it out in a forum where people could say “FUCK YOU, FUCKY!” or “I FUCKING AGREE WITH YOU, FUCKY!” which was always a great thing.

Today while I sat in my cubicle wondering what I’m heading for, wishing I could take myself to the sky (LOST IN YOUR EYES, BITCHES! TWO DEBBIE GIBSON REFERENCES IN ONE BLOG EQUALS WIN!) when something hit me. It was something I must have thought about before because it has been in literature for YEARS but from a logical standpoint it is one many adults just chalk up to living in “reality” but honestly…

WHAT HAPPENS TO A DREAM DEFERRED?

Now a lot of people say “I run my own business, that’s my dream!” which is fine but that is not what I mean. When I say a dream deferred, I am talking about when you were 7 or 8 and wanted to be a ninja or a vampire hunting ballerina? Now that sounds made up, but in the 6th grade there was a girl who said she wanted to be that and god damn it I should have married that crazy ass girl because THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME DREAM EVER. I digress. I mean, when I was young I wanted to be Batman and the only thing that really kept me from being Batman is I couldn’t decide which Batman I wanted to be. The Adam West Batman or the Frank Miller “The Dark Knight Returns” Batman. I thought it would be a good idea to be both but I don’t see Adam West breaking the arms of gang leaders nor the grizzled Batman doing the Bat-tusi or having shark repellant in his utility belt. Those dreams kind of just fade away…and for what? I am sure no one wakes up at 10 and says “I want to work in a cubicle and do the minimum with my potential” but at what point are the dreams we had as kids just…dreams? Not goals that seem a little hard to achieve but just ideas the dissolve like so much Alka-Seltzer after a bad night of tequila and Guinness? Maybe a dream…is a goal without the ambition to see it through to fruition? Just some of the things I think about when I wonder how I got where I am and how I lived this long. As a lot of you know…I have kind of lived a life that has been an adventure…that should be lived BY NO ONE. That should be the name of my book.

So another thing before I go because I really need to get some fucking sleep. As many of you know it was a few friends (You know who you are YC and KC. And Griff but part of our deal as friends is that we never admit when we are wrong AND HE CAN GO TO HELL FOR ALL THE TIMES HE BEAT ME AT NBA JAM. Fuck yo SNES, nigga) that have slapped some sense into me after my constant dipshittery and walking headlong into shit that was bad I should have seen a mile away. I am forever greatful, but there was a second person that got me through the last two years of ?WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” moments. That person was Christopher Titus.

Now it was tragic comedy when about 80% of his comedy specials I could go “AH HA!” and “I totally should have seen that! Specifically…her right hand” but at the end of the day there was nothing to do but…well, get over it. Oh, and quit being a wussy. No one goes through their childhood unscathed and the wounds you open as a teenager are the scars you must heal as an adult. If you can never heal those wounds, you will never get better and what holds you where you are will ultimately drown you. Whether it is ideals, motivations or people you have to jettison what doesn’t advance you and embrace what does. In other words:

Couldn’t have said it better myself: when shit hits the fan, step out of the way of the fan. The metaphor is so fucking awesome I will just let you sit and marinate on that until next time. I am tired as shit and I am checking out. I will try to be back at some point this week. It’s good to be back, peeps. It’s good to be back.

Chachi Out

Thanksgiving: The Day That Scott Pilgrim Saved America From The Cleveland Indians. I Don't Think That's What Happened...

So….we meet again. HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! So it has been about two months since I blogged and once again I have to apologize for the absence. It does make the heart grow fonder, much like how much I have missed my sanity and self-respect over the last 18 months or so. Those who know me best understand and for those of you reading this that DON’T know what I mean by that it’s quite alright. No need to rehash the bullshit. So in the famous words of Eric Bischoff, I’M BACK. Queue my theme music, Mr. Sound Man:

Yep, the master is back to dominate. With that being said, it is time to break my foot off in the ass of the blogosphere.

Fuck The World If They Can’t Adjust

So one thing I have learned in the later years of my life is that not everyone is going to like you. As a matter of fact, the majority of people should be too busy on their own lives to be concerned about what you do. Yet, it seems that everyplace I go, there seem to be haters. As B.o.b would say, there are haters everywhere we go. Now there is something to be said for people who honestly find a character flaw in your attitude or beliefs that are actually being a detriment to you and those people should not be seen as haters, but as people trying to help you…as long as their help is genuine. You can tell these people by what they want the end result to be and if they offer advice to fix the issue. If all they do is point out something that they think isn’t good about you or they flat out just talk that shit…congratulations! You have a hater! Relish in that fact; haters are like Chaos Emeralds in Sonic the Hedgehog. Get six and jump in the air and you become SUPER SONIC:

He IS the fastest thing alive and all. So if you have haters, the LAST thing you want to do is let these fuckwits stop you from being you. You know why? YOU ARE THE SHIT, THAT’S WHY! Unless what you do is hurting your ability to progress, fuck them haters in their hatin ass faces. I have some people out there that really need to hear this (And I needed to hear it earlier this year, thanks to the homies for that one) and if you don’t hear it from others, you are hearing from the Deuce:

You are the shit and fuck the world if they can’t adjust.

People hate on you because they want to BE YOU BUT CAN’T. They try to make you feel like they feel which is miserable because they don’t have the ability to carry themselves the way you carry yourself. They talk shit about you because they know that is the only way they can touch you and stop your shine. You know what, though? They can’t be you and you don’t want to be them so let them haters hate because that’s all they know how to do. Cheaters cheat, losers lose, bitches bitch and haters hate. If you are dating a hater that makes you feel like shit because you are being you, drop that dead weight and let it sink like the rap career of Kevin Federline. You have a friend that is always talking that shit when you try to do it bigger and better? Kick that sumbitch to the curb like Edward Norton in American History X. What am I trying to tell you? Katt, drop the knowledge on these people WILL YOU?:

In closing, I end this segment with one of my new phrases for 2011:

Those that can’t participate, hate.

Yeah, I am kind of in the mood right now. So there is something else I need to touch on real quick before I head out.

Self-Destruction Should Be Just That: SELF-DESTRUCTION

I have learned in my many years on this big blue orb we call Earth and living this crazy journey we call life that you can’t help those that don’t want to be helped. Save those that don’t want to be saved. It gets to the point that the monster you chase and seek to destroy is the monster that you become. Deep shit from a simple man, I admit. With that being said, when you go down the rabbit-hole to save someone, you cannot go so deep that you cannot get out yourself. I have said in many blogs that friendship is circular, give and take if you will. Just like any relationship if you give more than you get or vice versa then you are taking advantage of the relationship. Ask yourself when someone seems to be taking you down a road that you feel that you shouldn’t have to travel: if you needed their guidance down that road would they walk with you? I can honestly say that of my friends that I have been down with since jump street (You know who you are) that they would go down that road with me, have gone down that road with me and we both learned that either the gasoline wasn’t worth it (WALK AWAY ROAD WARRIOR!) or that the magic sword at the end of the graveyard was worth it because it’s dangerous out there and you’ll need it. You should totally take it.

Always remember, peeps. Help is not only as good as the person giving it, it is only as effective as the person accepting it. There comes a point that no matter how good of a friend they are that you have to walk them down that road and you will have to come to a stop for their benefit. Then tell them:

“The rest of this voyage you have to do on your own. I will watch you from here, but to go with you will not benefit you. I will be here for you when you find the answer. If you can’t find the answer alone, THEN I will walk with you.”

That right there to me is true friendship: knowing when to lead, when to follow and when to walk side-by-side with those you care about. What do I know; I’m just a man with a dream and a love of Korean pop. My mom thinks I’m a catch!

So that is all for now. It is good to be back and I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. If you are with your family and loved ones this year, please cherish the time with them. If I have learned nothing in 2010, it is that friendships based off of convenience come and go but true friendship is something that is based on giving. You take what you must and give all you can. Damn, I got to stop getting all emo and mushing during the holidays. I will be back to insulting Blacks and women in my next blog, I promise! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

Oh, and I will likely do a 2010 People’s Choice blog again like I have done every year so if you want me to rant on something leave a comment or something like that. I’ll get to it. Again, have a Happy Thanksgiving, peeps!

Hell yeah, bird is the word!

Chachi Out
(DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY THAT AGAIN!)

The Older You Get, The More You Forget....Stuff....MESSAGE!!!

What's up, peeps? This weekend is over and I must say it was exactly what I expected: enlighting. I realized that you dont have to do anything you dont want to but at the same time, growth is about doing something you may not really WANT to do. It's life a human is doing, not being. DEEP SHIT, FOOL! Bite me, I can have one deep thought every now and then. Oh, and I will have the NDK pictures up by Friday. If anyone can help me out with what happened Saturday after about 8:45 PM that would be great because I look at these pictures and...I don't remember....ANY of this.

Also, I realized that in the words of T.I. I have lived a hell of a life. Sure, I hit that Combo Breaker that one time in Killer Instinct 2 but as bad ass as that was, I have lived so much more that I didnt know I had done. My peeps know what I mean, but I wont go into detail. Long story short, I will be 30 this Friday and I have realized a lot. Mostly...why am I bitching?! I have had some kickass shit happen to me. Some good, some bad but all of it part of growing. Except for the day with the midget fight and the one armed man. That day was just fucking weird.

I guess I am saying it is time to do what makes you happy. It hit me the other day when I was talking to a total stranger at the karaoke bar when people were talking about resolutions and he flat out said that he won't do them because quite simply:

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

Think about it. With perfection being a flawed concept at it's core, why do people strive for it? How can you constantly work for your "happiness" when you have no idea who you are? If you dont know who you are or even what you want that will create the perfect you...how can you even be happy? How can you even TRY to be a perfect Christian if you have no idea the basic groundworkings of the words? How can you be the perfect husband or wife to your spouse or parent to your children if not only were YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT PERFECT BUT YOU ARENT EVEN A GOOD ENOUGH YOU TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE?!?! IS THIS SINKING IN?!

Yeah, I had a good old fashioned gut check a few days ago. You see, I always knew that reaching for perfection should never be the goal but attempting to complete what makes you happy before attempting anything else. But man, I put that shit to the side for the logical aspect of paying bills and going to work like a good little cog. It got me to where I am at now which is a lot better off then I thought I would be after some of the dumb shit I have done but even still, I am no vampire hunting rock star ninja pirate. Which is what I really want to be but I know that will never happen because ninjas hate rock. It's a conundrum.

I want to close this with a weird ass story. So it was last year after I had an interview for a company that will remain nameless that flew me out for a round of interviews. If you know me, it's the one where they didn't know that my Anglo sounding name belonged to a Negro and long shoty short when I got home I already had an email saying I didnt get the job from one side and a heart-felt apology from the hiring manager about what we were under the assuption was a pure lock. Long story short, after I found that out I went to a rousing game of "Three Man" at Copper's when I decided that whiskey, soju, PBR and then some sake and Kirin at Ichiban's with Zach was a good idea. Which it was, until I went home a laid down after the debacle. When I went to bed, Tupac:Resurrection was on (Which is one of my favorite movies of all time because the words of Tupac Shakur are the epitome of duality which in my opinion is the foundation of the human being) and as I watched it I drank some more soju (Yes, back then I had a stash) and finally just passed out. Then I had a dream where I was sitting on the deck out back looking out and nothing was there. Nothing. And I was just staring, in the same suit I had my interview in. At that point I just sat there when Tupac walked next to me. Yes, THAT Tupac. Then, one of the most vivid and downright ODD dialogs I ever had in a dream occured:

Tupac: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing. Nothing is there.
Tupac: Only you can change that, you know.
(Awkward silence. I look back and the backyard and all the other stuff is there. I turn around and he is gone)
Me: Oooooooookkaay. I think I am dreaming.
Tupac's Voice: Life is hard. You will keep getting knocked down. You know why?
Me: ....uh....because I am a dumbass?
(Awkard silence)
Tupac's Voice: No....because getting knocked down shows you are a trying. If you never try, you never get knocked down because you never fight.
Me: That's deep, nigga.
Tupac's Voice: Shut up. Remember that. It aint about getting knocked down. It aint even about getting back up. It is about what you do when you get up. Because just getting up is part of your instinct...learning is how you grow.
Me: .....Damn, nigga. THAT'S DEEP.
Tupac's Voice: NIGGA SHUT UP! You are dreaming right now. Don't forget what I told you. No body ever learns by giving up.
(At this point, Talib Kweli's "The Blast" begins to play)
Me: Wow....thanks...
Tupac's Voice: Now turn that fucking TV off, nigga.......

I then wake up....and Talib Kweli's "The Blast" is playing on VH1 Soul rather fucking loudly. I am sitting up (Still in my interview clothes, mind you) in front of my computer and guess what is in Windows Media Player? Tupac:Resurrection. So as I was typing this, I got sick of ESPN (No one cares about the greatest game ever played, assholes. I will ruin the ending for you: Giants in overtime...jackass) so I turned the channel to VH1 Soul. Guess what was on? Tupac: Resurrection. Yeah, cosmic like a motherfucker. Oh, and guess what I am about to play? Some Talib Kweli:

Sometimes, life isnt priceless and it isnt a game. Sometimes...life is just life. Quite simply, that is all life can be. All you can do is live and learn as you do it. MESSAGE!!!!!!

Chachi Out.

Chachi's Court Is Now In Session...Again.

I am back on the scene! What is up, peeps? So I want to talk about something. Now this is a repost from 2008 that has been touched up for pop culture and pertinance (I can't spell, you know that) and it is one of my favorite rants. Mostly because at the time it rang very true for a specific situation (Real life imitating art...who knew?!) and I am hella irritated and wanted to vent. So it is time for a little bit of lawgiving. So here is the first ever installment of…

Master Chief Captain Chachi Lays Down The Law!

This Weeks’ Crime: Infidelity!

Okay, I can say that aside from the Mormons, almost every true friend I have (You know who you are) has been cheated on by a significant other, yours truly included (Multiple times….same person….I’m a dumbass, I know) in some way, shape or form. Now first off let me say that if you are dating or are married to someone and you “cheat” by having sex with someone else then you are quite doing it wrong. I’m sorry you are and here is why:

1. Cowardice: Seriously, if you cannot tackle a problem head on which is causing this need for you to consider infidelity then you shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first fucking place. I mean COME THE FUCK ON and grow up. If you can’t talk to the other person then you probably shouldn’t have been married or started dating in the first place.
2. Selfishness: Now when I say this I mean it in this way: if the other person did to you what you did to them, how would you feel? Odds are (This is a generalization but it rings VERY TRUE) that you would be hurt to no end. And yet…you have the audacity to do it to the other party. Congratulations, you are a selfish shit. If you are selfish in a relationship you shouldn’t be in one; get yourself a fucking hamster or something.
3. Illogical: Now I use this word because I don’t really believe in the word “immoral” because that would invoke religion and I think that now religion has no relevance in relationships because if you have more than one you are already being immoral so the point is moot. However, look at infidelity logically. What would one hope to accomplish with infidelity? One night of passion with a person that isn’t your other? Well, that is fine but is it a logical means to an end? One night (Or several) of sex is worth destroying a relationship? If so then odds are you shouldn’t have been with that person anyway. Even if the other person is a fit, break up with the current person first. It’s just common-fucking-sense.

So there are many more reasons someone would be a dipshit for cheating but there is another party and usually a just as guilty if not GUILTIER party and that is the person that is being cheated on. Now I said last night in jest that you never blame the victim but at the end of the day you have to figure out what made you the victim and how you can avoid being one again. We have all been there whether major or minor and your goal after being victimized should be how to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again. Now I for one have ran into this problem more times than I am comfortable saying (I am batting over .500 with bitches) but when you are the victim of a cheater you have to gauge the situation for yourself; fuck the other party. No matter how much they cry or apologize to you (Sigh, sweet situation narrative truth) you have to remember that why this happened could be your fault so you have to fix YOURSELF before you can accept an apology from the other party. Now here is what kills me the most: people that stay with the person that cheated on them and they do it again. Okay, it is time to get real here.

This is coming from someone who was laid off or outsourced from the same company THREE FUCKING TIMES. Aside from the first time (Which I was informed about prior to being let go but it still hurts when you are pretty much fresh out of college and it is your first real job) every time something like that happened I knew it was coming and I was okay with it because I tried to move out of said situation but roadblocks were in my way. That’s life, though. Now let’s bring this back. If you take back someone that cheated on you, at that point you are never….EVER allowed to be hurt or bitch if they do it to you again. You can never mention it in arguments and you can never say “Oh, I’m over it” when you know damn well you are not. Quit being a candyass and man the fuck up. If Kane can team with the Undertaker after being SET ON FIRE and win tag team championships then you can get over being cheated on. If you cannot, that is fine. Been there and I just had to say the nay no to getting back together. However, the one instance I DID stay I never brought it up again. Not during arguments, not when she was gone past when she said she would be and never when I was drunk (Ground zero! GROUND ZERO!).

That is something you have to accept: if you forgive the person you also have to forgive the act. Say what you will but one party cheats and you stay together, having that always in the back of one’s mind is not healthy. People make mistakes. Interceptions are thrown, line drives are misfielded, three point shooters are left open on botched rotations and occasionally, a defenseman scores on their own goalie. You have to chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. You can’t bring that shit up next season when you feel like they aren’t hustling or they blow an assignment. On a team you have to rely heavily on trust and in a relationship if you don’t have trust then all you have is two people that may happen to like to have sex with each other every now and then. Guess what? You are no better than drunk cats.

At the end of the day, the reason I posted this is because I am through fucking around with people. I have had just about enough of everyone complaining about how they are hurt because of what people did to them. Or better yet, complain about being hurt or feeling mistreated WHILE STILL WITH THE PERSON. In some cases, the person that was cheated on is more at fault for how the situation is handled than the person that cheated. If someone hurts you and you don’t leave then you have no one to blame but yourself. Yes, that person shouldn’t have cheated to begin with but I (Now, anyway) feel about cheating the same way I feel about physical abuse (if it happens once….there really SHOULDN’T BE A SECOND TIME! Now a quick note. I know that the…two or three people that read this may ask why I never lump mental and emotional abuse with physical abuse. Well, mental and emotional abuse are different by person as I can attest to. “You don’t validate my need to dress like a whore and feel normal about it! YOU’RE NOT SUPPORTIVE!” Well, that isn’t what she SAID but that’s how it SOUNDED to me. Quite simply, you never know how people will take it because one person’s joke is another person’s route to feeling de-validated…which she also said I did when I told her that she didn’t need my permission to do things which to HER meant I didn’t care. Abuse of the head is in the receiver and can be interpreted several ways as what I thought was giving freedom to the other party was indifference. Physical abuse is tangible. An uppercut to the gut….is an uppercut to the gut. No matter how you arrange or word the semantics, getting your ass whooped on is getting your ass whooped on…unless you deserve it. There is ALWAYS a reason to kick anyone’s ass; you just never hit a woman. That’s one to grow on.

Okay….new rule. Hitting women is okay if they deserve it AND you have Mentos. Can’t kick no ass without fresh breath! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whoo…..and THAT is why I am single, ladies.

So to lay down the law….

If you cheat, you are a douche. If you stay with a cheater, you are a fucktard. If someone can’t understand the concept of “one person” then they should leave that person and THEN sex up other people. It’s not a difficult process, but human beings are lazy. And with that, it is bedtime. It’s back to the grindstone and I will try to be back up next week sometime. Until then, stay up peeps. And listen to Jermaine Stewart:

This doesn’t count if you are a certain lady out there. You can take your clothes off. And drink that cherry wine….uh-huh. My innuendo is priceless.

IN-YOUR-ENDO!

Whooo...crap I need to do some work.

Chachi Out.

Labor Day: Not A Holiday Saluting Pregnant Women. Glad That Got Cleared Up!

What’s up, my peeps?! First off, Happy Labor Day! There, I said it now someone get me some applesauce. So it has been a few weeks but I am back on the scene and I must say that I have missed all of you. Even you, Billy in Portland. Yes, I forgive you for all the hate mail about Justin Beiber. He made a song with Kanye and Raekwon so he cant be THAT bad.

So with NDK coming up (Yaaaaay. News at 11, I am not as excited as I once was for it. Sue me) and my 30th birthday the week after that (I EXPECT PRESENTS AND ALCOHOL, MOTHERFUCKERS!) I have to say that September is my favorite month of the year. This month has started off with an awesome bang, seeing as it was a party every night this month so far and as my idol Diddy once said…:

Man, those were the days. Anyway, most of you know that this year has been full of the awesomeness of talking owls and flame-thrower wielding kittens with a HEAPING FUCKING SPOONFUIL OF DIPSHITTERY AND ASSHATEDNESS. A lot of it by me most of it inflicted by the actions of others but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your star player:

Which I did and that is life. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. So with that being said, I learned something today…

1. Gays Can Party: There are two things gays do well. They have sex with the same sex…and FUCKING PARTY. Not enough shirts, though. I mean if niggas in wifebeaters aint club attire you best believe that going shirtless is a fashion nightmare for your ass. Cover it up, thaaaaanks.
2. Tequila = NO: Yeah, I only have it once in a while but when I do you best believe shit hits the fan. I really need to stick to stuff from mother Russia. If it’s clear, have no fear!
3. Life Is Simple: Just fucking live it. The more people sit back and complain about how bad their life is or how bad they are being treated the more difficult it is. Just do what you do and do it well and if it aint working then try something else. Oh, and shut the fuck up about your pain, no one gives a shit. We got our own baggage, so check your shit at the gate.

These are some of many things I have learned over the last few months but one thing has to be said. By the way, if you think this is directed at you…then it is. If you don’t then just listen and learn from this statement:

If People Spent Half The Energy They Use Complaining About Their Life And Trying To Please Others On Fixing Their Own Lives And Making Themselves Better, The World Would Be A Better Place And These People Would Be A Lot Happier.

If it applies to you, think about it. If it doesn’t apply to you then embrace the change. That is all I have to say about that. Lastly…

Sometimes, it is better to channel the energy of pain into growth because since energy cannot be created nor destroyed, you may as well channel it toward bettering yourself and building you into the best you that you can be.

With that being said, its time to kick it a little old school! Here is a blog from June 14th, 2007…

What is up peeps! First off, for my Blogger peeps this is my 350th post! I want to thank you all for coming (189 new visitors this month and counting! It’s only the 14th!) and I hope you enjoy what you have read! Odds are…not so much. Welcome to the party, n00bs!

Well, it is Thursday and you know what that means! Cue up Loverboy for tomorrow because it is almost the weekend! Tomorrow is the Countdown and today I just have a real quick post because I have been getting a lot of questions from people of other races because…well usually I am their only Black friend most of the find. Being as that I am a good resource as a “Born Again Negro” (GOD DAMN THAT IS FUNNY!) I am mostly just sick of your fucking questions and misconceptions. So today it is time. Time to bust a rhyme? Nah, son it is time for…

Passion of Chachi Omnibus II: Black Man’s Burden Edition!

Today I will address the questions I have been asked over the last 12 months or so by other races because you are fuckers and I am sick of your ignorance. This coming from the guy that wants Turkey blown off the map. It’s Constantinople, GET IT RIGHT YOU SWARTHY BASTARDS! First off is a question that has been asked since that fateful day his car chase interrupted the Season Finale of Family Matters (OH, I was so pissed!)….

Question #1: Do Blacks Really Believe OJ Simpson Didn’t Kill Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman

Well…yes and no. You see, there is one word to describe Black people that they will damn near never admit: spiteful. At almost all junctures in time, Black people will take any opportunity to stick it to someone else, especially Whites. It’s why we support Barry Bonds (I don’t really give a fuck, I’m all about Andruw Jones), Kobe Bryant (Proof that anal sex with White women should only be done in movies by Lexington Steel) and R. Kelly (Who actually committed Black on Black urination but a “victory” for Blacks is a “victory” for Blacks even if it is Pyrrhic) so much.

The simple fact is that it is hard to kill two people with one knife. Hell, I couldn’t kill ONE ninja with TWO swords in Ninja Gaiden for the X-Box, so how can one aging Black athlete kill two White people with one shank? It is a rather far fetched thing to grasp because if I ever see somebody getting stabbed I am OUT. Just based on that fact alone, there is enough of a doubt for Blacks to say “Oh, he aint do that shit!” and that quite simply is all they need.

Okay, the real question isn’t if they think he killed them. Few Blacks will say yes because…well they have to keep the lie going. Now I cannot speak for anyone else for this but at the All Black Hands meetings (once a month or so at sometime in August or September. It’s like a party, it starts when people start rolling in) it is kind of accepted that we don’t ever say he did it. We all know he did though, but as long as it pisses off White people they will deny it. So Whites, stop getting upset and I guarantee OJ will say “Yeah I did it! I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it! Let’s take it to the stage!”

Answer: Of course OJ is innocent! (God, I must be the only Black person that thinks he DID do it. But I aint going to rock the boat)

Next is a question that I thoughally despise because once again, I am one of the few Black people going against the grain on this…

Question #2: Do All Blacks Really Love Watermelon?

Mother fuck. I hate this shit. First off, I will only have watermelon if there is no other fruit available. What?! A Black person that doesn’t like watermelon? Shenanigans! I have this conversation with Griff all the time because whenever I go someplace and I am offered watermelon I kindly say no. Black people look at me like I just raped their dog while Whites look at me like “No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!” Okay, I am going to level with you. Black people really do love watermelon, despite the racist stigma attached to it. Yes, they gobble it up the same way White people eat cantelope (I’ve seen you, White people!) and spit out the seeds rapid fire like in those offensive ass Warner Brothers cartoons. God, it even makes their lips shine and they make that retarded ass smile like sambo statues back in the 1920’s (Or 2005 in the South. Fuck the South). It is fucking disgusting. Even still…they love it. Yes, just like your encyclopedia says. Without fail, ask a Black person if they want some watermelon and after they kick your ass for being a racist prick (Which I didn’t, funny story if you want to hear it but I couldn’t kick her ass because she was different like that) they will say “Yes, that would be quite a tasty treat.”

Answer: Sadly yes. Chalk one up for Whitey.

Question #3: Do All Black People Love Fried Chicken?

Yes. Simple answer. Yes, that stuff is DELICIOUS! Hell, all people love fried chicken! It is the tastiest off all the fried poultry! I hate how every neighborhood with a Black majority population has a Popeyes (And a gun store, liquor store, check cashing location and a Korean market. No shit, it is infuriating) but hey it’s good eating! White people eat fried chicken, too! They just don’t glorify it as much because you all are faking the funk. Or faking the fowl. So yes, your assumptions are right. Although I will say that it’s not just fried chicken. Barbequed, baked, broiled, sautéed, braised, rotisserie it doesn’t matter. Chicken is the flavor of life, fuck a Lifesaver candy!

Answer: Fuck yeah. Fried chicken is good and good for you!

Question #4: Juice vs. Drink. What is the deal?

Okay, you heard Dave Chappelle mention it and Griff, Carl and I used to talk about this all the time when we had real jobs and got to partake in this mythical ‘juice’ the wealthy had been enjoying for so long. I tell you what, as good as juice may be, nothing cools you down on a hot ass summer day than a tall glass of icy cold grape drink. Juice doesn’t quench thirst! It mixes with alcohol and that is about it! I mean, using orange drink in a mimosa just doesn’t see…right. An “apple-drink-tini” sounds gayer than an “appletini” and trust me, as one who will divulge in an appletini every now and again (not as much now) I know that drink is as queer as Kansas City in springtime. Wow….I don’t even get that joke. I remember Griff was my roommate I went and got me some jugs of juice from the Mart and I was as happy as Akon at a Trinidad all-girls school Homecoming dance. Remember the jugs of juice, Beth? They were actually jugs of DRINK! Wasn’t no juice in them jugs! You know what? It was still tasty as all hell! The simple fact is drink is cheap, tasty and multi-purpose. You can have drink for breakfast (Fortified with NO essential vitamins or minerals, fishes!), lunch (Let me get a #1 and a medium orange drink!) and even at night (SHAWTY LET ME BUY YOU SOME APPLE DRAAAAAANK! See, if T-Pain said that his song may not be so shitty. Naaaaah…)! Juice is really only for breakfast. Hell, you can’t even get orange juice after 10:30am in most places! You can get yo drank on 24/7!

Answer: Drank is nutritious, delicious and most importantly BALLIN! Although I am all about that Cherry Limeade. That’s the only real good juice.

Question #5: What is With Grillz, Spinning Rims, Spinning Chains, Gaudy Chains, LED, Belt Buckles, Jeweled Crucifixes, White Tees, Those Technicolor Dream Coat Nikes, Sidekicks, Jeweled Belt Buckles and any other God Awful Fashion Trend?

Simple answer for this one.

Answer: Niggas and their money are soon parted. The stupider and more expensive the better.

Bonus Question!!!

Question #6: What is with Snapping, Crumping, Walking It Out, Hyphy and the New Dances?

*Sigh* Well, after about…sixty years of being trend setters (The only real dance craze that wasn’t based of something Blacks did was The Lambada. It’s the FORBIDDEN DANCE) they have finally run out of ideas. The last real cool dance was the Harlem Shake.

Even that went to the wayside due to the dislocated shoulders that occurred from it. I remember I popped my shoulder back in 2003 at that Latino Student Union dance; I was out of commission for two month from the dance floor! I was back in time for the “Shoulder Lean” though. The fact is for the most part everything has been done. That’s why so many women are dancing like strippers. They all aren’t morons (a good 60% are, though), they just have no new dances and no originality. Besides, my dances don’t take off, and I have been putting in work! Over the last 3 years I have created:

The Clock (WHAT TIME IS IT?! PARTY TIME!)
The Rodeo Phone
The Manual
The Secretary
The Lollipop Guild
The Lumberjack
The Blue Meanie
The I Like Your Booty But I’m Not Gay
The Machine Gun
The Power Ranger
The Slalom
The Jesus (That….didn’t go over so well)
The Butt Magnet (Not how it sounds. Wait, it is exactly how it sounds)
The Chattanooga Choo-Choo (WHOO-WHOO!)
The Pirate

And not a ONE TOOK OFF! Well, The Clock did that one time at Graham Central Station but that was YEARS ago. The fact is that the days of The Running Man, The Roger Rabbit, The Bus Stop, The Kid ‘N’ Play Kick Step and even The Electric Slide are over. We are stuck with…well what we began with. Shucking and jiving…err…”Chicken Noodle Soup”

Man, fucking Black people. I will be waiting in the fields in Alabama with a bale of cotton singing “Dixie”.

Note, peeps. This is all in fun! If you take this seriously and think I am the mouthpiece for all the Black people (and you 17 fucknuts that want to be referred to as African-American) then you my friend are a nerd. I will be back tomorrow for the Top 20 Video Countdown. Until then, stay up. I’m gonna go and get me some DRANK!

Good stuff. I used to be so awesome! What happened to me?! Eh, either way I will be back up before NDK with something, odds are a rant. Yep, they were quite therapeutic so if you have a topic you want ranted let me know. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

I Give Because I Can...And Because I Have Self-Esteem Issues. *Sigh*

What is up, peeps?! I am back up again and I must say it has been a very vindicating to get back to blogging. It has been a great process of opening up, letting go and ranting that has me feeling great like I did in 2007-2008 when I was using the blog as an outlet to let things fly and let them go. Stopped doing that for a while and some of you know the asshole that I became. Never going back again, peeps.

So yesterday I talked about some quotes I have used that I live by. While at work this morning (PANCAKES! FUCK YEAH!) I was talking to some co-workers and after some prodding we got into a discussion about how some awkward things have been said to me in my life from the opposite sex. Now I will admit that a lot was justified because I am kind of a jerk sometimes. That being said, they really helped me learn a lot about my dipshittery and I will share them with you now. So I give to you…

Things My Momma Didn’t Tell Me…

The Best Lines I Have Ever Heard About Me

You Are Too Self-Absorbed To Care About Being Dumped

Well, this is a complete counter to the next statement but I put this one first because at the time I really think I was. If anyone out there remembers me in 2006 when I heard this, my GOD was I a total asshole. I am surprised the friends I still had didn’t try to break my face because I was out of control. So then I understood that statement because I was more concerned about myself than anyone else which makes it hard to logically care about anyone. Mostly, I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for and I have said it many a time on this blog that if you don’t know yourself you can’t really know anyone else. And I was so concerned about me and my own ego (Once again, get a few drinks in me and I open up like a Thai hooker during shore leave) that I really WAS too self-absorbed to care about being hurt which was actually awesome because those times were FUCKED UP and had I not been so selfish I may have ended up being an emo punk bitch:

…more than I am now. So this phrase WAS true at the time. Oh, FUCK YOU BITCH! Yeah, I said it.

Why Do You Try So Hard To Be Liked?

Like I said total opposite of the first statement but very true. I always said that no one will ever love me for me so might as well just be what they want me to be because it’s easier to make friends that way. YES I KNOW THAT IS FUCKING SAD BUT BEAR WITH ME! We WILL make it to the fireworks factory. After a while I realized that I spread myself thin taking time out to interact with people I didn’t really have anything in common with or even feel like offered me anything in return. Hence a lot of burnt cycles. Ouch.

You’re Unfunny.

First off, I may not be a grammar king but I didn’t know “unfunny” was a word. It must be because she said it but at the same time…I AM FUCKING HILARIOUS! As a matter of fact, I am willing to say this with complete confidence:

I AM FUNNIER THAN JESUS

There, I said it. Take THAT bitch! I am funnier than the son of GOD! Mostly because it’s hard to tell jokes when you can’t hold a microphone. ZING! I AM ON IT LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ON A WHOLE WHEAT ROLL! Sorry, Grizzle…I had to.

You Don’t Listen To Me.

Well when I have heard this it was usually because of these three things:

1. I don’t care
2. You aren’t saying anything relevant
3. Rain Is on

AND RAIN HOLDS PRECEDENT! Honestly, I hate it when anyone says that to me because I am always listening to anything that anyone says no matter how irrelevant or annoying. You know who you are and yes I am talking to you. Now I cannot defend myself on this one from the standpoint of those who have said it (Well…two but that is two too many IMHO) I can say that listening is hard for someone when the person speaking wont say anything relevant. I know that that sounds mean but at the end of the day, I am solutions oriented. I thought about it and both people in question would say things like “I just wanted to vent” and that is fine for catharsis but if it’s the same thing…over and over again…with no process to CHANGE THE SITUATION SO YOU WON’T BITCH ABOUT IT…then no I won’t listen because I am sick of listening to it. Sorry, that’s just how I think. Don’t come to me with a problem without a solution because then you are just complaining. If you need to vent that is fine but you better get over that shit once you do because if you bring it to me again…

RKO, BITCHES! Randy Orton = WIN.

Oh, there are so many more but I am on the tired end so I am about to head out. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Some Days I Just Wonder How I Can Be This Damn Awesome.

What is up, peeps?! I have been gone again and I AM SORRY! Having breakthroughs take time! Yep, thanks to two friends, Boddintons and Guiness I learned that sometimes you have to think like the Road Warrior:

The gas isn’t worth it…just walk away. Which I am and I have to say I feel a lot better for it. Thanks, peeps. You know who you are and yes, I am really that fucking nuts. It made for good entertainment though and great therapy.

So I will be 30 in officially thirty-one days and I must say that I am not as vexxed about it as was about three months ago. Those in the know understand why (Identity crisis already? I LIVEZ IT!) and I want to first say thank you for being there for me in my time of utter and complete dipshittery. Also, I want to thank you for not stabbing me in the head for what seemed like not listening to your sound…and correct…advice. I WAS listening but I am kind of a dumbass. Speaking of being a dumbass, I realized that I have a couple of phrases that I say that are rather telling about who I am. Most of these came out on a Sunday night drinkfest (Good times were had by all!) but the best ideas come inebriated.

Quote #1: My Life Is An Epic Adventure…That Should be Lived By No One

HAHAHAHAHAHA….HA…ha…ha…ouch. Shit that one stings. At the same time I must say had I NOT lived what I had I wouldn’t be the lovable so-and-so I am today. Wait…AW, FUCK!

Quote #2: I Do Things and I Do Them Well. Whether You Like It I Don't Know and I Don't Care.

This has been said to pretty much all of my bosses and every woman I have ever met that I dealt with over the last five years. Explains a lot why I am single and have had authority issues at work. Hey, I’m not proud of my faults but at least I admit them. Although I wont stop them because I’M NOT A QUITTER!

Quote #3: Recent Events Have Shown That You CAN NOT Be Trusted So Yeah…Tracking Device.

Now this quote has nothing to do with nothing but at the same time…I hate you, Griff. Albeit from a nocturnal state this so rings true. And yet…I don’t give a shit because I AM AWESOME AND MY MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH! So fuck you, fucky!

Quote #4: Truth And Honesty Are All Lies. All That Matters Is Confidence.

So I just made this one up. It’s what a keyboard and a lack of sleep can do for you. Add in some spirits and this is about to get good. I am a firm believer in the fact that it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, it’s all about can you make others BELIEVE what you say. Remember, you can’t spell believe without lie. Holy shit….

I don’t know if I stole that from somewhere but if I didn’t YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! That is some deep stuff right there. Hell that statement is so true I cant even go into how many times that has been proven true TODAY in just walking around and seeing shit. We all have someone from who we totally believed the lies and you know what? It was our own fool fault. Yet, that statement reeks of so much awesomeness I may have to put that on a shirt.

So on another note, I think it may be time to kick it a bit old school. This blog was from last year about this time and it gave me some good lol’s re-reading it and I hope you feel the same. If not…fuck you and go look at Concrete Loop or something.

Chachi’s Shit That Don’t Make Right Good Sense!

Can A Nigga Eat?

So I for one was glad to see Mike Vick get out of jail. I feel his punishment was too severe for the crimes committed but it is the law and that was the punishment. You can say what you will about my views and I will say to you: eat a dick. So he gets out of jail and people have the all out NERVE to say “he should be banned from football!” to which I say…really? Understand something here; I love dogs. I have had the same dog since Kool and the Gang was running around (Not really, but Shaolin is one old dog) and I would never make him fight other dogs for money because I know he would lose. He aint the toughest dog out there. The simple fact is that Mike Vick was just a small business owner that happened to break several laws and statues in the state of Virginia in regards to taking underprivileged and disenfranchised dogs off the street and putting them in an environment that they could earn college credit by…killing each other. Isn’t that the American dream? That and being the greatest professional wrestler of all time?

Okay, that’s just me. Either way, he fucked up. LEGALLY. Fuck your morals and your beliefs on animal rights because they don’t mean shit to me. He broke the law, he was punished and his debt to society has been paid. THE END. It should be up to the discretion of the NFL, the players union and the Pound Puppies on whether Vick should play again. The only thing PETA should be allowed to do is die because I hate them with a passion. I will sodomize a baby seal if it makes one member cry and those are drastic measures but I don’t like fuckwits.

The part that pisses me off the most is the fact that people ignore all the shit others have done but focus on Vick like he has done something worse than others. The Hall of Fame is full of wife beaters, child piledrivers, racists and even murders and no one says shit. Didn’t Ray Lewis stab a nigga DURING SUPER BOWL WEEKEND and he was named Super Bowl MVP? Didn’t Kobe Bryant have butt sex with a White woman (Every man’s dream, don’t you dare lie. It’s great!) and he got away with it? Weren’t Brett Farve and John Daly admitted alcoholics that nearly pissed away their careers? These were things that had NOTHING to do with the game. There wasn’t nary a dog on the field during those Atlanta Falcons games. What happened to those dogs…to me PERSONALLY…wasn’t tragic or wrong. It was illegal and he went to jail for it. That should be it, his time has been served, let this man live his life and leave the decision of whether he plays up to the league.

Women + Technology = NO

You know…I don’t even know what to think anymore. How can we vote for a woman president if they don’t understand THE BASICS? Now if you have ever read ANYTHING I have blogged then you know how I feel about women and technology. I am a firm believer in that if someone violates your privacy by taking pictures of you without your knowledge then that is messed up and you have all reason to be upset. However if you take naked pictures OF YOURSELF on a medium that is easily hacked and then get upset or in an uproar about when they are leaked…well you are on your own, buddy. This proves the Zebra Theory to a fact. Let’s takethis theory to Vanessa Hudgens

A few years ago (Hell, it may have been last year) she got caught in an issue about nude photos of her that were all over the interweb. Now no one knows how they got there, but they did. And everyone was all about the violation of her privacy. To a degree I have to agree but there comes a point where one has to say “You know…people out there have gotten my pictures once so maybe I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS!” Now every female says “It should be my right to take pictures of whatever I want on my phone and not have to worry about it being hacked!” and to that I say if I had wheels, I’d be a wagon. The facts are that people DO hack cell phones and even worse if you send them to your boyfriend and you break up…what the fuck where you thinking in the first place? Seriously? Naked pictures? You really expect them not to go anywhere? Gawd, you must be fucking dense.

Chris Brown and Rihanna….You Know What? Fuck It.

I am so sick of this crap. Not those two, they are just dumb kids doing dumb things. It’s with the people saying “How can she be so stupid?!” and calling Chris Brown a monster. First off, Chris Brown is about as tough as Snagglepuss and twice as queer. Secondly, and follow me on this one because I am going to move fast on this, it is Rihanna’s fault anyway. Now before you all sit back and say “OMG! You support domestic violence?!” I first must say I support punching people in the grill piece that act a fucking fool. Now with THAT being said I am not talking about the supposed ass-whoopin Rihanna got. I am talking about the fact that she could end this bullshit quickly by saying either she is or isn’t interested. By doing that, she creates closure on the subject so everyone can move on to lusting over Megan Fox or whatever. Instead, all she does is leave the door open and does random weirdness like she wants him back. Which is fine, but do understand that people are going to call you a dumbass for trying to stay with him even though he have you the Chris Brown Stunner:

Oddly enough, I am sure this is exactly how it went down. Minus the kick ass music, odds are “Kiss, Kiss” was playing. Either way, both are doing this for the publicity and forgetting the fact that women everywhere are learning that it is okay to go back to a man that kicks your ass in public as long as he can dance. See: Bobby Brown and James Brown. And Chris Brown? What is up with dudes with the last name Brown smacking up on women? I may have just created science, fool!

Okay well I am out for now. I am tired and I need a bottle. Of you know what…

Oh soju, you totally understand me. I will be back up soon, peeps.

Chachi Out

When Shit Hits The Fan...You Step Out Of The Way Of The Fan. MESSAGE!!

Well it has been a week since I last blogged and man life has been rather special in that timeframe. I really needed someone to talk to, so I took some time out and I talked to my psychiatrist Dr. Deuce and he gave me some really sound advice. Man, the dude is a genius. A drunken, hateful genius that I pay $75 an hour to but man he does good work!

I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again
They say the competition is stiff
But I get a hard dick from this shit, now stick it in
I ain’t never giving in again
caution to the wind, complete freedom
Look at these rappers, how I treat them
So why the fuck would I join them when I beat them
They call me a freak because
I like to spit on these p-ssies fore I eat them

Eminem – No Love

First things first: I poppa freaks all the honeys. HELLS YEAH GRIZZLE!


Sorry, it’s a thing I do. So I have been thinking about that line for about two days now and I am realizing something: living your life can be hard as shit. Man, when you do it is a great feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues and I take myself to task about them whenever I can (Which other people don’t do but hey, who am I to judge those that aint trying to advance. Shits over now, take it like a man). Dr. Deuce on the other hand runs under the Ken Titus Theory of “STOP BEING A WUSSY!” which actually works a hell of a lot better. If something is dragging you down either you go down with the ship or you hop off and save your sanity. Or…you can blow that bitch up, set fire to the other survivors and then go and blow up the company that made the fucking ship. Guess which one I’m going to do. Ah, peeps you know me all too well. It is about that time….take it away, Dr. Deuce!

Dr. Deuce’s Help Corner: Get Off Your Cross, Build A Bridge and Get Over It.

Then I Will Proceed To OBLITERATE That Bridge Because I Don’t Need The Baggage! Yep, you know this is going to be good. Welcome to the session, peeps. Now, let me begin this session by saying I couldn’t give a FUCK about your feelings. This is for your own fool good and if you don’t like it, eat a bag of dicks with a side of piss is a cold glass.

No One Owes You A God Damn Thing.

Understand something about life, no one is owed anything. You can spend all day saying “Man, that motherfucker owes me $10!” but that doesn’t mean you will get that shit. From explanations to apologies the only thing you are owed in life is the gift of living it. If you spend your time obsessing about yourself and why people are doing things to you then you are acting like a fucking victim when in reality you are a bitch nigga. There are two people in this world that are non-gratis and need to be shot on sight:

1. Bitch Niggas
2. Bitch ASS Niggas

If you are going out of your way to get sympathy for shit that is quite simply not that serious then you are a bitch ass nigga and most importanty:

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Riley. Nigga, you gay.

If You Have An Open Relationship, YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP.

Okay, this has been a source of debate between patients and myself and I just you to remember that I’m the doctor. So take two shut-the-fuck-ups and SHUT THE FUCK UP. The thought of an open relationship seems like the best of both worlds but honestly, let’s look at a simple analogy.

A football player signs a contract with a team. Then after signing after a few months he says “Hey, I have been thinking and I want to run some trick plays for another team. In the same division. Your biggest rival.” What would you say? Hells-the-fuck-naw, right? Exactly.

The concept of an open-relationship is based off of the fact that there is something there that you are not getting from the party you are with that you are seeking from someone else. Now a LOGICAL human being would say “Hey, this person isn’t fulfilling all I am looking for in a significant other so either we will talk about what is/isn’t working and try to come to a consensus or we will part.” Sounds like some adult shit, right? Now a dysfunction set of bitch ass niggas will say “I don’t want to be with this person but I am to scared/crazy/lazy to leave so I will say we should have an open-relationship so I can fuck who I want and fill my tank at the Citgo for free!” Oops, you fucked up. You are doomed to dysfunction.

I cannot tell anyone what to do or how to do it. Just be forewarned, just because you live your life one way doesn’t mean others have to be around while you do your dip-shittery. Remember, you can only help those that want to be helped. If they are fine in their little make-believe world of snap-dragons and lollipops then let them stay there. Doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride and if you do GET THE FUCK OUT FAST! That is a ship you don’t want to be on when it goes down. In the famous words of 1944 Dr. Tran…”Don’t I know it”

Sometimes It’s Better To Be The Bad Guy Than The Nice Guy

That one is for you, C-Money. One thing I have noticed is that we live in a society where no one wants to take a look in the mirror and say “what is it about me that is causing this to happen” because people are SO CONVINCED that it’s not their fault. Now I am not a blame person by any means, I am a responsibility person first and foremost. So if you are having the same thing happen to you then maybe it is time to come to grips and take a long look at yourself. I for one believe that if you aren’t doing something once a day to attempt to better yourself then you are wasting your time living and you should kill yourself and give that life to John Ritter or Pimp C (SWEET JONES!) you know…someone that fucking deserves it.

I am letting you true believers know first and foremost you need to do what is best for you. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Whether it be emotionally, physically or logically you have to focus on your star player, which is you. Katt Williams said it best, there is always going to be SOMEBODY mad at you:

But in the end you HAVE to focus on what makes YOU better and is best for YOUR sanity. If people don’t like it and they hate….

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Nothing worse than a fucking hater. If you are trying to do better and all they can think of is themselves and how it is effect THEM and THEIR friendship….

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Man, I could see that be an anthem in the club if I get Lil Jon on the hook. Dr. Deuce and Lil’ Jon coming soon! You know what else? There is something that needs to be said about dysfunctional people: they mistake hate with apathy. You see, when you are looking to get better, a hater loves nothing more than to try to bring you down with them because they hate to see people be happy because they aren’t. Don’t deny it! It’s been proven by science! So when you do what you do and others want you to do what they do, they hate when you don’t because you aren’t with them and they don’t want to go where you are. Which is fine, let them do their thing. You have to be prepared when you do and move on because they are going to take it personally because with haters, it’s all about them. It aint NEVER about you, it’s about them and how everything effects them and you are the bad one because you are looking out for your superstar and not them. Being the bad guy hurts but you can’t let that bring you down. You are looking out for your superstar and not the role players. Your real team is down and that is all that matters so…

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Lil Jon, you need to do a new damn album.

Live Like Diddy: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO!

As many of you know, Diddy is one of my most famous clients. He used to be downtrodden after the loss of his friend (He wrote a song about it. Well, The Police wrote a song about it but he takes hits from the 80’s and makes it sound so crazy) and all the haters on him about his shiny suits and lavish lifestyle, he hit a major funk. I mean, he signed LOON for Christ sake. That dude SUCKS. Then Diddy and I met and discussed his life and problems over pandas milk while racing on lions in Constantinople. Diddy calls it Constantinople, it’s fucking called Constantinople. You know what I told him to do?

Live Like Diddy

At first he was confused but I heard from a friend a long time ago that you have to live YOUR live. Living is hard because you want to do for everyone else but if you aren’t living for you….who and what are you living for? Finally after a game of tiddlywinks with several naked women while eating dodo bird egg omelets he realized what I meant. Now look at him:

He don’t give a fuck about you or what you think about him. SHINY SUIT MAN IS FUCKING BACK! I mean now he is courting Rick Ross but you can’t win them all. Ery’day he hustling! So I know all of you cannot ball out of control like Diddy but at LEAST you can live your life to the fullest. In other words DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO! You don’t owe anyone any explanations or apologies. Well, make sure the shit is legal because you don’t have a team of lawyers like Diddy…just ask Shyne. BAM! But do what you want and if people want to be all butt-hurt about that shit then they can pound sand. Live like Diddy, peeps. It’s all he asks of you.

Well, that is enough for the Dr. Deuce session for today. Much like ninjas, Black Dynamite and Popeye I show up when I am needed. Take care and remember….Live Like Diddy.

Wow…you gotta love Dr. Deuce. He may be back to kick more of the truth to the young Black youth so stay tuned. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Do The Franklin: Coming To A Club Near You!

Yes...another repeat. I am sorry! New blog Sunday, had a really vexxing week. Yeah, I think that describes it. I'll be back with something new soon!

What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.

Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:

As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….

Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing

Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:

Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:

That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.

Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.

Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:

How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:

First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky

(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)

People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain

(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)

Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.

(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)

You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.

Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!

Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.

Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.

Reason #3: Music Sucks

Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:

Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.

With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:

And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….
 
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!

Look it up, bitches.

Chachi Out