I am back on the scene! What is up, peeps? So I want to talk about something. Now this is a repost from 2008 that has been touched up for pop culture and pertinance (I can't spell, you know that) and it is one of my favorite rants. Mostly because at the time it rang very true for a specific situation (Real life imitating art...who knew?!) and I am hella irritated and wanted to vent. So it is time for a little bit of lawgiving. So here is the first ever installment of…
Master Chief Captain Chachi Lays Down The Law!
This Weeks’ Crime: Infidelity!
Okay, I can say that aside from the Mormons, almost every true friend I have (You know who you are) has been cheated on by a significant other, yours truly included (Multiple times….same person….I’m a dumbass, I know) in some way, shape or form. Now first off let me say that if you are dating or are married to someone and you “cheat” by having sex with someone else then you are quite doing it wrong. I’m sorry you are and here is why:
1. Cowardice: Seriously, if you cannot tackle a problem head on which is causing this need for you to consider infidelity then you shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first fucking place. I mean COME THE FUCK ON and grow up. If you can’t talk to the other person then you probably shouldn’t have been married or started dating in the first place.
2. Selfishness: Now when I say this I mean it in this way: if the other person did to you what you did to them, how would you feel? Odds are (This is a generalization but it rings VERY TRUE) that you would be hurt to no end. And yet…you have the audacity to do it to the other party. Congratulations, you are a selfish shit. If you are selfish in a relationship you shouldn’t be in one; get yourself a fucking hamster or something.
3. Illogical: Now I use this word because I don’t really believe in the word “immoral” because that would invoke religion and I think that now religion has no relevance in relationships because if you have more than one you are already being immoral so the point is moot. However, look at infidelity logically. What would one hope to accomplish with infidelity? One night of passion with a person that isn’t your other? Well, that is fine but is it a logical means to an end? One night (Or several) of sex is worth destroying a relationship? If so then odds are you shouldn’t have been with that person anyway. Even if the other person is a fit, break up with the current person first. It’s just common-fucking-sense.
So there are many more reasons someone would be a dipshit for cheating but there is another party and usually a just as guilty if not GUILTIER party and that is the person that is being cheated on. Now I said last night in jest that you never blame the victim but at the end of the day you have to figure out what made you the victim and how you can avoid being one again. We have all been there whether major or minor and your goal after being victimized should be how to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again. Now I for one have ran into this problem more times than I am comfortable saying (I am batting over .500 with bitches) but when you are the victim of a cheater you have to gauge the situation for yourself; fuck the other party. No matter how much they cry or apologize to you (Sigh, sweet situation narrative truth) you have to remember that why this happened could be your fault so you have to fix YOURSELF before you can accept an apology from the other party. Now here is what kills me the most: people that stay with the person that cheated on them and they do it again. Okay, it is time to get real here.
This is coming from someone who was laid off or outsourced from the same company THREE FUCKING TIMES. Aside from the first time (Which I was informed about prior to being let go but it still hurts when you are pretty much fresh out of college and it is your first real job) every time something like that happened I knew it was coming and I was okay with it because I tried to move out of said situation but roadblocks were in my way. That’s life, though. Now let’s bring this back. If you take back someone that cheated on you, at that point you are never….EVER allowed to be hurt or bitch if they do it to you again. You can never mention it in arguments and you can never say “Oh, I’m over it” when you know damn well you are not. Quit being a candyass and man the fuck up. If Kane can team with the Undertaker after being SET ON FIRE and win tag team championships then you can get over being cheated on. If you cannot, that is fine. Been there and I just had to say the nay no to getting back together. However, the one instance I DID stay I never brought it up again. Not during arguments, not when she was gone past when she said she would be and never when I was drunk (Ground zero! GROUND ZERO!).
That is something you have to accept: if you forgive the person you also have to forgive the act. Say what you will but one party cheats and you stay together, having that always in the back of one’s mind is not healthy. People make mistakes. Interceptions are thrown, line drives are misfielded, three point shooters are left open on botched rotations and occasionally, a defenseman scores on their own goalie. You have to chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. You can’t bring that shit up next season when you feel like they aren’t hustling or they blow an assignment. On a team you have to rely heavily on trust and in a relationship if you don’t have trust then all you have is two people that may happen to like to have sex with each other every now and then. Guess what? You are no better than drunk cats.
At the end of the day, the reason I posted this is because I am through fucking around with people. I have had just about enough of everyone complaining about how they are hurt because of what people did to them. Or better yet, complain about being hurt or feeling mistreated WHILE STILL WITH THE PERSON. In some cases, the person that was cheated on is more at fault for how the situation is handled than the person that cheated. If someone hurts you and you don’t leave then you have no one to blame but yourself. Yes, that person shouldn’t have cheated to begin with but I (Now, anyway) feel about cheating the same way I feel about physical abuse (if it happens once….there really SHOULDN’T BE A SECOND TIME! Now a quick note. I know that the…two or three people that read this may ask why I never lump mental and emotional abuse with physical abuse. Well, mental and emotional abuse are different by person as I can attest to. “You don’t validate my need to dress like a whore and feel normal about it! YOU’RE NOT SUPPORTIVE!” Well, that isn’t what she SAID but that’s how it SOUNDED to me. Quite simply, you never know how people will take it because one person’s joke is another person’s route to feeling de-validated…which she also said I did when I told her that she didn’t need my permission to do things which to HER meant I didn’t care. Abuse of the head is in the receiver and can be interpreted several ways as what I thought was giving freedom to the other party was indifference. Physical abuse is tangible. An uppercut to the gut….is an uppercut to the gut. No matter how you arrange or word the semantics, getting your ass whooped on is getting your ass whooped on…unless you deserve it. There is ALWAYS a reason to kick anyone’s ass; you just never hit a woman. That’s one to grow on.
Okay….new rule. Hitting women is okay if they deserve it AND you have Mentos. Can’t kick no ass without fresh breath! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whoo…..and THAT is why I am single, ladies.
So to lay down the law….
If you cheat, you are a douche. If you stay with a cheater, you are a fucktard. If someone can’t understand the concept of “one person” then they should leave that person and THEN sex up other people. It’s not a difficult process, but human beings are lazy. And with that, it is bedtime. It’s back to the grindstone and I will try to be back up next week sometime. Until then, stay up peeps. And listen to Jermaine Stewart:
This doesn’t count if you are a certain lady out there. You can take your clothes off. And drink that cherry wine….uh-huh. My innuendo is priceless.
IN-YOUR-ENDO!
Whooo...crap I need to do some work.
Chachi Out.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Labor Day: Not A Holiday Saluting Pregnant Women. Glad That Got Cleared Up!
What’s up, my peeps?! First off, Happy Labor Day! There, I said it now someone get me some applesauce. So it has been a few weeks but I am back on the scene and I must say that I have missed all of you. Even you, Billy in Portland. Yes, I forgive you for all the hate mail about Justin Beiber. He made a song with Kanye and Raekwon so he cant be THAT bad.
So with NDK coming up (Yaaaaay. News at 11, I am not as excited as I once was for it. Sue me) and my 30th birthday the week after that (I EXPECT PRESENTS AND ALCOHOL, MOTHERFUCKERS!) I have to say that September is my favorite month of the year. This month has started off with an awesome bang, seeing as it was a party every night this month so far and as my idol Diddy once said…:
Man, those were the days. Anyway, most of you know that this year has been full of the awesomeness of talking owls and flame-thrower wielding kittens with a HEAPING FUCKING SPOONFUIL OF DIPSHITTERY AND ASSHATEDNESS. A lot of it by me most of it inflicted by the actions of others but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your star player:
Which I did and that is life. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. So with that being said, I learned something today…
1. Gays Can Party: There are two things gays do well. They have sex with the same sex…and FUCKING PARTY. Not enough shirts, though. I mean if niggas in wifebeaters aint club attire you best believe that going shirtless is a fashion nightmare for your ass. Cover it up, thaaaaanks.
2. Tequila = NO: Yeah, I only have it once in a while but when I do you best believe shit hits the fan. I really need to stick to stuff from mother Russia. If it’s clear, have no fear!
3. Life Is Simple: Just fucking live it. The more people sit back and complain about how bad their life is or how bad they are being treated the more difficult it is. Just do what you do and do it well and if it aint working then try something else. Oh, and shut the fuck up about your pain, no one gives a shit. We got our own baggage, so check your shit at the gate.
These are some of many things I have learned over the last few months but one thing has to be said. By the way, if you think this is directed at you…then it is. If you don’t then just listen and learn from this statement:
If People Spent Half The Energy They Use Complaining About Their Life And Trying To Please Others On Fixing Their Own Lives And Making Themselves Better, The World Would Be A Better Place And These People Would Be A Lot Happier.
If it applies to you, think about it. If it doesn’t apply to you then embrace the change. That is all I have to say about that. Lastly…
Sometimes, it is better to channel the energy of pain into growth because since energy cannot be created nor destroyed, you may as well channel it toward bettering yourself and building you into the best you that you can be.
With that being said, its time to kick it a little old school! Here is a blog from June 14th, 2007…
What is up peeps! First off, for my Blogger peeps this is my 350th post! I want to thank you all for coming (189 new visitors this month and counting! It’s only the 14th!) and I hope you enjoy what you have read! Odds are…not so much. Welcome to the party, n00bs!
Well, it is Thursday and you know what that means! Cue up Loverboy for tomorrow because it is almost the weekend! Tomorrow is the Countdown and today I just have a real quick post because I have been getting a lot of questions from people of other races because…well usually I am their only Black friend most of the find. Being as that I am a good resource as a “Born Again Negro” (GOD DAMN THAT IS FUNNY!) I am mostly just sick of your fucking questions and misconceptions. So today it is time. Time to bust a rhyme? Nah, son it is time for…
Passion of Chachi Omnibus II: Black Man’s Burden Edition!
Today I will address the questions I have been asked over the last 12 months or so by other races because you are fuckers and I am sick of your ignorance. This coming from the guy that wants Turkey blown off the map. It’s Constantinople, GET IT RIGHT YOU SWARTHY BASTARDS! First off is a question that has been asked since that fateful day his car chase interrupted the Season Finale of Family Matters (OH, I was so pissed!)….
Question #1: Do Blacks Really Believe OJ Simpson Didn’t Kill Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman
Well…yes and no. You see, there is one word to describe Black people that they will damn near never admit: spiteful. At almost all junctures in time, Black people will take any opportunity to stick it to someone else, especially Whites. It’s why we support Barry Bonds (I don’t really give a fuck, I’m all about Andruw Jones), Kobe Bryant (Proof that anal sex with White women should only be done in movies by Lexington Steel) and R. Kelly (Who actually committed Black on Black urination but a “victory” for Blacks is a “victory” for Blacks even if it is Pyrrhic) so much.
The simple fact is that it is hard to kill two people with one knife. Hell, I couldn’t kill ONE ninja with TWO swords in Ninja Gaiden for the X-Box, so how can one aging Black athlete kill two White people with one shank? It is a rather far fetched thing to grasp because if I ever see somebody getting stabbed I am OUT. Just based on that fact alone, there is enough of a doubt for Blacks to say “Oh, he aint do that shit!” and that quite simply is all they need.
Okay, the real question isn’t if they think he killed them. Few Blacks will say yes because…well they have to keep the lie going. Now I cannot speak for anyone else for this but at the All Black Hands meetings (once a month or so at sometime in August or September. It’s like a party, it starts when people start rolling in) it is kind of accepted that we don’t ever say he did it. We all know he did though, but as long as it pisses off White people they will deny it. So Whites, stop getting upset and I guarantee OJ will say “Yeah I did it! I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it! Let’s take it to the stage!”
Answer: Of course OJ is innocent! (God, I must be the only Black person that thinks he DID do it. But I aint going to rock the boat)
Next is a question that I thoughally despise because once again, I am one of the few Black people going against the grain on this…
Question #2: Do All Blacks Really Love Watermelon?
Mother fuck. I hate this shit. First off, I will only have watermelon if there is no other fruit available. What?! A Black person that doesn’t like watermelon? Shenanigans! I have this conversation with Griff all the time because whenever I go someplace and I am offered watermelon I kindly say no. Black people look at me like I just raped their dog while Whites look at me like “No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!” Okay, I am going to level with you. Black people really do love watermelon, despite the racist stigma attached to it. Yes, they gobble it up the same way White people eat cantelope (I’ve seen you, White people!) and spit out the seeds rapid fire like in those offensive ass Warner Brothers cartoons. God, it even makes their lips shine and they make that retarded ass smile like sambo statues back in the 1920’s (Or 2005 in the South. Fuck the South). It is fucking disgusting. Even still…they love it. Yes, just like your encyclopedia says. Without fail, ask a Black person if they want some watermelon and after they kick your ass for being a racist prick (Which I didn’t, funny story if you want to hear it but I couldn’t kick her ass because she was different like that) they will say “Yes, that would be quite a tasty treat.”
Answer: Sadly yes. Chalk one up for Whitey.
Question #3: Do All Black People Love Fried Chicken?
Yes. Simple answer. Yes, that stuff is DELICIOUS! Hell, all people love fried chicken! It is the tastiest off all the fried poultry! I hate how every neighborhood with a Black majority population has a Popeyes (And a gun store, liquor store, check cashing location and a Korean market. No shit, it is infuriating) but hey it’s good eating! White people eat fried chicken, too! They just don’t glorify it as much because you all are faking the funk. Or faking the fowl. So yes, your assumptions are right. Although I will say that it’s not just fried chicken. Barbequed, baked, broiled, sautéed, braised, rotisserie it doesn’t matter. Chicken is the flavor of life, fuck a Lifesaver candy!
Answer: Fuck yeah. Fried chicken is good and good for you!
Question #4: Juice vs. Drink. What is the deal?
Okay, you heard Dave Chappelle mention it and Griff, Carl and I used to talk about this all the time when we had real jobs and got to partake in this mythical ‘juice’ the wealthy had been enjoying for so long. I tell you what, as good as juice may be, nothing cools you down on a hot ass summer day than a tall glass of icy cold grape drink. Juice doesn’t quench thirst! It mixes with alcohol and that is about it! I mean, using orange drink in a mimosa just doesn’t see…right. An “apple-drink-tini” sounds gayer than an “appletini” and trust me, as one who will divulge in an appletini every now and again (not as much now) I know that drink is as queer as Kansas City in springtime. Wow….I don’t even get that joke. I remember Griff was my roommate I went and got me some jugs of juice from the Mart and I was as happy as Akon at a Trinidad all-girls school Homecoming dance. Remember the jugs of juice, Beth? They were actually jugs of DRINK! Wasn’t no juice in them jugs! You know what? It was still tasty as all hell! The simple fact is drink is cheap, tasty and multi-purpose. You can have drink for breakfast (Fortified with NO essential vitamins or minerals, fishes!), lunch (Let me get a #1 and a medium orange drink!) and even at night (SHAWTY LET ME BUY YOU SOME APPLE DRAAAAAANK! See, if T-Pain said that his song may not be so shitty. Naaaaah…)! Juice is really only for breakfast. Hell, you can’t even get orange juice after 10:30am in most places! You can get yo drank on 24/7!
Answer: Drank is nutritious, delicious and most importantly BALLIN! Although I am all about that Cherry Limeade. That’s the only real good juice.
Question #5: What is With Grillz, Spinning Rims, Spinning Chains, Gaudy Chains, LED, Belt Buckles, Jeweled Crucifixes, White Tees, Those Technicolor Dream Coat Nikes, Sidekicks, Jeweled Belt Buckles and any other God Awful Fashion Trend?
Simple answer for this one.
Answer: Niggas and their money are soon parted. The stupider and more expensive the better.
Bonus Question!!!
Question #6: What is with Snapping, Crumping, Walking It Out, Hyphy and the New Dances?
*Sigh* Well, after about…sixty years of being trend setters (The only real dance craze that wasn’t based of something Blacks did was The Lambada. It’s the FORBIDDEN DANCE) they have finally run out of ideas. The last real cool dance was the Harlem Shake.
Even that went to the wayside due to the dislocated shoulders that occurred from it. I remember I popped my shoulder back in 2003 at that Latino Student Union dance; I was out of commission for two month from the dance floor! I was back in time for the “Shoulder Lean” though. The fact is for the most part everything has been done. That’s why so many women are dancing like strippers. They all aren’t morons (a good 60% are, though), they just have no new dances and no originality. Besides, my dances don’t take off, and I have been putting in work! Over the last 3 years I have created:
The Clock (WHAT TIME IS IT?! PARTY TIME!)
The Rodeo Phone
The Manual
The Secretary
The Lollipop Guild
The Lumberjack
The Blue Meanie
The I Like Your Booty But I’m Not Gay
The Machine Gun
The Power Ranger
The Slalom
The Jesus (That….didn’t go over so well)
The Butt Magnet (Not how it sounds. Wait, it is exactly how it sounds)
The Chattanooga Choo-Choo (WHOO-WHOO!)
The Pirate
And not a ONE TOOK OFF! Well, The Clock did that one time at Graham Central Station but that was YEARS ago. The fact is that the days of The Running Man, The Roger Rabbit, The Bus Stop, The Kid ‘N’ Play Kick Step and even The Electric Slide are over. We are stuck with…well what we began with. Shucking and jiving…err…”Chicken Noodle Soup”
Man, fucking Black people. I will be waiting in the fields in Alabama with a bale of cotton singing “Dixie”.
Note, peeps. This is all in fun! If you take this seriously and think I am the mouthpiece for all the Black people (and you 17 fucknuts that want to be referred to as African-American) then you my friend are a nerd. I will be back tomorrow for the Top 20 Video Countdown. Until then, stay up. I’m gonna go and get me some DRANK!
Good stuff. I used to be so awesome! What happened to me?! Eh, either way I will be back up before NDK with something, odds are a rant. Yep, they were quite therapeutic so if you have a topic you want ranted let me know. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
So with NDK coming up (Yaaaaay. News at 11, I am not as excited as I once was for it. Sue me) and my 30th birthday the week after that (I EXPECT PRESENTS AND ALCOHOL, MOTHERFUCKERS!) I have to say that September is my favorite month of the year. This month has started off with an awesome bang, seeing as it was a party every night this month so far and as my idol Diddy once said…:
Man, those were the days. Anyway, most of you know that this year has been full of the awesomeness of talking owls and flame-thrower wielding kittens with a HEAPING FUCKING SPOONFUIL OF DIPSHITTERY AND ASSHATEDNESS. A lot of it by me most of it inflicted by the actions of others but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your star player:
Which I did and that is life. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. So with that being said, I learned something today…
1. Gays Can Party: There are two things gays do well. They have sex with the same sex…and FUCKING PARTY. Not enough shirts, though. I mean if niggas in wifebeaters aint club attire you best believe that going shirtless is a fashion nightmare for your ass. Cover it up, thaaaaanks.
2. Tequila = NO: Yeah, I only have it once in a while but when I do you best believe shit hits the fan. I really need to stick to stuff from mother Russia. If it’s clear, have no fear!
3. Life Is Simple: Just fucking live it. The more people sit back and complain about how bad their life is or how bad they are being treated the more difficult it is. Just do what you do and do it well and if it aint working then try something else. Oh, and shut the fuck up about your pain, no one gives a shit. We got our own baggage, so check your shit at the gate.
These are some of many things I have learned over the last few months but one thing has to be said. By the way, if you think this is directed at you…then it is. If you don’t then just listen and learn from this statement:
If People Spent Half The Energy They Use Complaining About Their Life And Trying To Please Others On Fixing Their Own Lives And Making Themselves Better, The World Would Be A Better Place And These People Would Be A Lot Happier.
If it applies to you, think about it. If it doesn’t apply to you then embrace the change. That is all I have to say about that. Lastly…
Sometimes, it is better to channel the energy of pain into growth because since energy cannot be created nor destroyed, you may as well channel it toward bettering yourself and building you into the best you that you can be.
With that being said, its time to kick it a little old school! Here is a blog from June 14th, 2007…
What is up peeps! First off, for my Blogger peeps this is my 350th post! I want to thank you all for coming (189 new visitors this month and counting! It’s only the 14th!) and I hope you enjoy what you have read! Odds are…not so much. Welcome to the party, n00bs!
Well, it is Thursday and you know what that means! Cue up Loverboy for tomorrow because it is almost the weekend! Tomorrow is the Countdown and today I just have a real quick post because I have been getting a lot of questions from people of other races because…well usually I am their only Black friend most of the find. Being as that I am a good resource as a “Born Again Negro” (GOD DAMN THAT IS FUNNY!) I am mostly just sick of your fucking questions and misconceptions. So today it is time. Time to bust a rhyme? Nah, son it is time for…
Passion of Chachi Omnibus II: Black Man’s Burden Edition!
Today I will address the questions I have been asked over the last 12 months or so by other races because you are fuckers and I am sick of your ignorance. This coming from the guy that wants Turkey blown off the map. It’s Constantinople, GET IT RIGHT YOU SWARTHY BASTARDS! First off is a question that has been asked since that fateful day his car chase interrupted the Season Finale of Family Matters (OH, I was so pissed!)….
Question #1: Do Blacks Really Believe OJ Simpson Didn’t Kill Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman
Well…yes and no. You see, there is one word to describe Black people that they will damn near never admit: spiteful. At almost all junctures in time, Black people will take any opportunity to stick it to someone else, especially Whites. It’s why we support Barry Bonds (I don’t really give a fuck, I’m all about Andruw Jones), Kobe Bryant (Proof that anal sex with White women should only be done in movies by Lexington Steel) and R. Kelly (Who actually committed Black on Black urination but a “victory” for Blacks is a “victory” for Blacks even if it is Pyrrhic) so much.
The simple fact is that it is hard to kill two people with one knife. Hell, I couldn’t kill ONE ninja with TWO swords in Ninja Gaiden for the X-Box, so how can one aging Black athlete kill two White people with one shank? It is a rather far fetched thing to grasp because if I ever see somebody getting stabbed I am OUT. Just based on that fact alone, there is enough of a doubt for Blacks to say “Oh, he aint do that shit!” and that quite simply is all they need.
Okay, the real question isn’t if they think he killed them. Few Blacks will say yes because…well they have to keep the lie going. Now I cannot speak for anyone else for this but at the All Black Hands meetings (once a month or so at sometime in August or September. It’s like a party, it starts when people start rolling in) it is kind of accepted that we don’t ever say he did it. We all know he did though, but as long as it pisses off White people they will deny it. So Whites, stop getting upset and I guarantee OJ will say “Yeah I did it! I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it! Let’s take it to the stage!”
Answer: Of course OJ is innocent! (God, I must be the only Black person that thinks he DID do it. But I aint going to rock the boat)
Next is a question that I thoughally despise because once again, I am one of the few Black people going against the grain on this…
Question #2: Do All Blacks Really Love Watermelon?
Mother fuck. I hate this shit. First off, I will only have watermelon if there is no other fruit available. What?! A Black person that doesn’t like watermelon? Shenanigans! I have this conversation with Griff all the time because whenever I go someplace and I am offered watermelon I kindly say no. Black people look at me like I just raped their dog while Whites look at me like “No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!” Okay, I am going to level with you. Black people really do love watermelon, despite the racist stigma attached to it. Yes, they gobble it up the same way White people eat cantelope (I’ve seen you, White people!) and spit out the seeds rapid fire like in those offensive ass Warner Brothers cartoons. God, it even makes their lips shine and they make that retarded ass smile like sambo statues back in the 1920’s (Or 2005 in the South. Fuck the South). It is fucking disgusting. Even still…they love it. Yes, just like your encyclopedia says. Without fail, ask a Black person if they want some watermelon and after they kick your ass for being a racist prick (Which I didn’t, funny story if you want to hear it but I couldn’t kick her ass because she was different like that) they will say “Yes, that would be quite a tasty treat.”
Answer: Sadly yes. Chalk one up for Whitey.
Question #3: Do All Black People Love Fried Chicken?
Yes. Simple answer. Yes, that stuff is DELICIOUS! Hell, all people love fried chicken! It is the tastiest off all the fried poultry! I hate how every neighborhood with a Black majority population has a Popeyes (And a gun store, liquor store, check cashing location and a Korean market. No shit, it is infuriating) but hey it’s good eating! White people eat fried chicken, too! They just don’t glorify it as much because you all are faking the funk. Or faking the fowl. So yes, your assumptions are right. Although I will say that it’s not just fried chicken. Barbequed, baked, broiled, sautéed, braised, rotisserie it doesn’t matter. Chicken is the flavor of life, fuck a Lifesaver candy!
Answer: Fuck yeah. Fried chicken is good and good for you!
Question #4: Juice vs. Drink. What is the deal?
Okay, you heard Dave Chappelle mention it and Griff, Carl and I used to talk about this all the time when we had real jobs and got to partake in this mythical ‘juice’ the wealthy had been enjoying for so long. I tell you what, as good as juice may be, nothing cools you down on a hot ass summer day than a tall glass of icy cold grape drink. Juice doesn’t quench thirst! It mixes with alcohol and that is about it! I mean, using orange drink in a mimosa just doesn’t see…right. An “apple-drink-tini” sounds gayer than an “appletini” and trust me, as one who will divulge in an appletini every now and again (not as much now) I know that drink is as queer as Kansas City in springtime. Wow….I don’t even get that joke. I remember Griff was my roommate I went and got me some jugs of juice from the Mart and I was as happy as Akon at a Trinidad all-girls school Homecoming dance. Remember the jugs of juice, Beth? They were actually jugs of DRINK! Wasn’t no juice in them jugs! You know what? It was still tasty as all hell! The simple fact is drink is cheap, tasty and multi-purpose. You can have drink for breakfast (Fortified with NO essential vitamins or minerals, fishes!), lunch (Let me get a #1 and a medium orange drink!) and even at night (SHAWTY LET ME BUY YOU SOME APPLE DRAAAAAANK! See, if T-Pain said that his song may not be so shitty. Naaaaah…)! Juice is really only for breakfast. Hell, you can’t even get orange juice after 10:30am in most places! You can get yo drank on 24/7!
Answer: Drank is nutritious, delicious and most importantly BALLIN! Although I am all about that Cherry Limeade. That’s the only real good juice.
Question #5: What is With Grillz, Spinning Rims, Spinning Chains, Gaudy Chains, LED, Belt Buckles, Jeweled Crucifixes, White Tees, Those Technicolor Dream Coat Nikes, Sidekicks, Jeweled Belt Buckles and any other God Awful Fashion Trend?
Simple answer for this one.
Answer: Niggas and their money are soon parted. The stupider and more expensive the better.
Bonus Question!!!
Question #6: What is with Snapping, Crumping, Walking It Out, Hyphy and the New Dances?
*Sigh* Well, after about…sixty years of being trend setters (The only real dance craze that wasn’t based of something Blacks did was The Lambada. It’s the FORBIDDEN DANCE) they have finally run out of ideas. The last real cool dance was the Harlem Shake.
Even that went to the wayside due to the dislocated shoulders that occurred from it. I remember I popped my shoulder back in 2003 at that Latino Student Union dance; I was out of commission for two month from the dance floor! I was back in time for the “Shoulder Lean” though. The fact is for the most part everything has been done. That’s why so many women are dancing like strippers. They all aren’t morons (a good 60% are, though), they just have no new dances and no originality. Besides, my dances don’t take off, and I have been putting in work! Over the last 3 years I have created:
The Clock (WHAT TIME IS IT?! PARTY TIME!)
The Rodeo Phone
The Manual
The Secretary
The Lollipop Guild
The Lumberjack
The Blue Meanie
The I Like Your Booty But I’m Not Gay
The Machine Gun
The Power Ranger
The Slalom
The Jesus (That….didn’t go over so well)
The Butt Magnet (Not how it sounds. Wait, it is exactly how it sounds)
The Chattanooga Choo-Choo (WHOO-WHOO!)
The Pirate
And not a ONE TOOK OFF! Well, The Clock did that one time at Graham Central Station but that was YEARS ago. The fact is that the days of The Running Man, The Roger Rabbit, The Bus Stop, The Kid ‘N’ Play Kick Step and even The Electric Slide are over. We are stuck with…well what we began with. Shucking and jiving…err…”Chicken Noodle Soup”
Man, fucking Black people. I will be waiting in the fields in Alabama with a bale of cotton singing “Dixie”.
Note, peeps. This is all in fun! If you take this seriously and think I am the mouthpiece for all the Black people (and you 17 fucknuts that want to be referred to as African-American) then you my friend are a nerd. I will be back tomorrow for the Top 20 Video Countdown. Until then, stay up. I’m gonna go and get me some DRANK!
Good stuff. I used to be so awesome! What happened to me?! Eh, either way I will be back up before NDK with something, odds are a rant. Yep, they were quite therapeutic so if you have a topic you want ranted let me know. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I Give Because I Can...And Because I Have Self-Esteem Issues. *Sigh*
What is up, peeps?! I am back up again and I must say it has been a very vindicating to get back to blogging. It has been a great process of opening up, letting go and ranting that has me feeling great like I did in 2007-2008 when I was using the blog as an outlet to let things fly and let them go. Stopped doing that for a while and some of you know the asshole that I became. Never going back again, peeps.
So yesterday I talked about some quotes I have used that I live by. While at work this morning (PANCAKES! FUCK YEAH!) I was talking to some co-workers and after some prodding we got into a discussion about how some awkward things have been said to me in my life from the opposite sex. Now I will admit that a lot was justified because I am kind of a jerk sometimes. That being said, they really helped me learn a lot about my dipshittery and I will share them with you now. So I give to you…
Things My Momma Didn’t Tell Me…
The Best Lines I Have Ever Heard About Me
You Are Too Self-Absorbed To Care About Being Dumped
Well, this is a complete counter to the next statement but I put this one first because at the time I really think I was. If anyone out there remembers me in 2006 when I heard this, my GOD was I a total asshole. I am surprised the friends I still had didn’t try to break my face because I was out of control. So then I understood that statement because I was more concerned about myself than anyone else which makes it hard to logically care about anyone. Mostly, I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for and I have said it many a time on this blog that if you don’t know yourself you can’t really know anyone else. And I was so concerned about me and my own ego (Once again, get a few drinks in me and I open up like a Thai hooker during shore leave) that I really WAS too self-absorbed to care about being hurt which was actually awesome because those times were FUCKED UP and had I not been so selfish I may have ended up being an emo punk bitch:
…more than I am now. So this phrase WAS true at the time. Oh, FUCK YOU BITCH! Yeah, I said it.
Why Do You Try So Hard To Be Liked?
Like I said total opposite of the first statement but very true. I always said that no one will ever love me for me so might as well just be what they want me to be because it’s easier to make friends that way. YES I KNOW THAT IS FUCKING SAD BUT BEAR WITH ME! We WILL make it to the fireworks factory. After a while I realized that I spread myself thin taking time out to interact with people I didn’t really have anything in common with or even feel like offered me anything in return. Hence a lot of burnt cycles. Ouch.
You’re Unfunny.
First off, I may not be a grammar king but I didn’t know “unfunny” was a word. It must be because she said it but at the same time…I AM FUCKING HILARIOUS! As a matter of fact, I am willing to say this with complete confidence:
I AM FUNNIER THAN JESUS
There, I said it. Take THAT bitch! I am funnier than the son of GOD! Mostly because it’s hard to tell jokes when you can’t hold a microphone. ZING! I AM ON IT LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ON A WHOLE WHEAT ROLL! Sorry, Grizzle…I had to.
You Don’t Listen To Me.
Well when I have heard this it was usually because of these three things:
1. I don’t care
2. You aren’t saying anything relevant
3. Rain Is on
AND RAIN HOLDS PRECEDENT! Honestly, I hate it when anyone says that to me because I am always listening to anything that anyone says no matter how irrelevant or annoying. You know who you are and yes I am talking to you. Now I cannot defend myself on this one from the standpoint of those who have said it (Well…two but that is two too many IMHO) I can say that listening is hard for someone when the person speaking wont say anything relevant. I know that that sounds mean but at the end of the day, I am solutions oriented. I thought about it and both people in question would say things like “I just wanted to vent” and that is fine for catharsis but if it’s the same thing…over and over again…with no process to CHANGE THE SITUATION SO YOU WON’T BITCH ABOUT IT…then no I won’t listen because I am sick of listening to it. Sorry, that’s just how I think. Don’t come to me with a problem without a solution because then you are just complaining. If you need to vent that is fine but you better get over that shit once you do because if you bring it to me again…
RKO, BITCHES! Randy Orton = WIN.
Oh, there are so many more but I am on the tired end so I am about to head out. Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out
So yesterday I talked about some quotes I have used that I live by. While at work this morning (PANCAKES! FUCK YEAH!) I was talking to some co-workers and after some prodding we got into a discussion about how some awkward things have been said to me in my life from the opposite sex. Now I will admit that a lot was justified because I am kind of a jerk sometimes. That being said, they really helped me learn a lot about my dipshittery and I will share them with you now. So I give to you…
Things My Momma Didn’t Tell Me…
The Best Lines I Have Ever Heard About Me
You Are Too Self-Absorbed To Care About Being Dumped
Well, this is a complete counter to the next statement but I put this one first because at the time I really think I was. If anyone out there remembers me in 2006 when I heard this, my GOD was I a total asshole. I am surprised the friends I still had didn’t try to break my face because I was out of control. So then I understood that statement because I was more concerned about myself than anyone else which makes it hard to logically care about anyone. Mostly, I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for and I have said it many a time on this blog that if you don’t know yourself you can’t really know anyone else. And I was so concerned about me and my own ego (Once again, get a few drinks in me and I open up like a Thai hooker during shore leave) that I really WAS too self-absorbed to care about being hurt which was actually awesome because those times were FUCKED UP and had I not been so selfish I may have ended up being an emo punk bitch:
…more than I am now. So this phrase WAS true at the time. Oh, FUCK YOU BITCH! Yeah, I said it.
Why Do You Try So Hard To Be Liked?
Like I said total opposite of the first statement but very true. I always said that no one will ever love me for me so might as well just be what they want me to be because it’s easier to make friends that way. YES I KNOW THAT IS FUCKING SAD BUT BEAR WITH ME! We WILL make it to the fireworks factory. After a while I realized that I spread myself thin taking time out to interact with people I didn’t really have anything in common with or even feel like offered me anything in return. Hence a lot of burnt cycles. Ouch.
You’re Unfunny.
First off, I may not be a grammar king but I didn’t know “unfunny” was a word. It must be because she said it but at the same time…I AM FUCKING HILARIOUS! As a matter of fact, I am willing to say this with complete confidence:
I AM FUNNIER THAN JESUS
There, I said it. Take THAT bitch! I am funnier than the son of GOD! Mostly because it’s hard to tell jokes when you can’t hold a microphone. ZING! I AM ON IT LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ON A WHOLE WHEAT ROLL! Sorry, Grizzle…I had to.
You Don’t Listen To Me.
Well when I have heard this it was usually because of these three things:
1. I don’t care
2. You aren’t saying anything relevant
3. Rain Is on
AND RAIN HOLDS PRECEDENT! Honestly, I hate it when anyone says that to me because I am always listening to anything that anyone says no matter how irrelevant or annoying. You know who you are and yes I am talking to you. Now I cannot defend myself on this one from the standpoint of those who have said it (Well…two but that is two too many IMHO) I can say that listening is hard for someone when the person speaking wont say anything relevant. I know that that sounds mean but at the end of the day, I am solutions oriented. I thought about it and both people in question would say things like “I just wanted to vent” and that is fine for catharsis but if it’s the same thing…over and over again…with no process to CHANGE THE SITUATION SO YOU WON’T BITCH ABOUT IT…then no I won’t listen because I am sick of listening to it. Sorry, that’s just how I think. Don’t come to me with a problem without a solution because then you are just complaining. If you need to vent that is fine but you better get over that shit once you do because if you bring it to me again…
RKO, BITCHES! Randy Orton = WIN.
Oh, there are so many more but I am on the tired end so I am about to head out. Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out
Monday, August 16, 2010
Some Days I Just Wonder How I Can Be This Damn Awesome.
What is up, peeps?! I have been gone again and I AM SORRY! Having breakthroughs take time! Yep, thanks to two friends, Boddintons and Guiness I learned that sometimes you have to think like the Road Warrior:
The gas isn’t worth it…just walk away. Which I am and I have to say I feel a lot better for it. Thanks, peeps. You know who you are and yes, I am really that fucking nuts. It made for good entertainment though and great therapy.
So I will be 30 in officially thirty-one days and I must say that I am not as vexxed about it as was about three months ago. Those in the know understand why (Identity crisis already? I LIVEZ IT!) and I want to first say thank you for being there for me in my time of utter and complete dipshittery. Also, I want to thank you for not stabbing me in the head for what seemed like not listening to your sound…and correct…advice. I WAS listening but I am kind of a dumbass. Speaking of being a dumbass, I realized that I have a couple of phrases that I say that are rather telling about who I am. Most of these came out on a Sunday night drinkfest (Good times were had by all!) but the best ideas come inebriated.
Quote #1: My Life Is An Epic Adventure…That Should be Lived By No One
HAHAHAHAHAHA….HA…ha…ha…ouch. Shit that one stings. At the same time I must say had I NOT lived what I had I wouldn’t be the lovable so-and-so I am today. Wait…AW, FUCK!
Quote #2: I Do Things and I Do Them Well. Whether You Like It I Don't Know and I Don't Care.
This has been said to pretty much all of my bosses and every woman I have ever met that I dealt with over the last five years. Explains a lot why I am single and have had authority issues at work. Hey, I’m not proud of my faults but at least I admit them. Although I wont stop them because I’M NOT A QUITTER!
Quote #3: Recent Events Have Shown That You CAN NOT Be Trusted So Yeah…Tracking Device.
Now this quote has nothing to do with nothing but at the same time…I hate you, Griff. Albeit from a nocturnal state this so rings true. And yet…I don’t give a shit because I AM AWESOME AND MY MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH! So fuck you, fucky!
Quote #4: Truth And Honesty Are All Lies. All That Matters Is Confidence.
So I just made this one up. It’s what a keyboard and a lack of sleep can do for you. Add in some spirits and this is about to get good. I am a firm believer in the fact that it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, it’s all about can you make others BELIEVE what you say. Remember, you can’t spell believe without lie. Holy shit….
I don’t know if I stole that from somewhere but if I didn’t YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! That is some deep stuff right there. Hell that statement is so true I cant even go into how many times that has been proven true TODAY in just walking around and seeing shit. We all have someone from who we totally believed the lies and you know what? It was our own fool fault. Yet, that statement reeks of so much awesomeness I may have to put that on a shirt.
So on another note, I think it may be time to kick it a bit old school. This blog was from last year about this time and it gave me some good lol’s re-reading it and I hope you feel the same. If not…fuck you and go look at Concrete Loop or something.
Chachi’s Shit That Don’t Make Right Good Sense!
Can A Nigga Eat?
So I for one was glad to see Mike Vick get out of jail. I feel his punishment was too severe for the crimes committed but it is the law and that was the punishment. You can say what you will about my views and I will say to you: eat a dick. So he gets out of jail and people have the all out NERVE to say “he should be banned from football!” to which I say…really? Understand something here; I love dogs. I have had the same dog since Kool and the Gang was running around (Not really, but Shaolin is one old dog) and I would never make him fight other dogs for money because I know he would lose. He aint the toughest dog out there. The simple fact is that Mike Vick was just a small business owner that happened to break several laws and statues in the state of Virginia in regards to taking underprivileged and disenfranchised dogs off the street and putting them in an environment that they could earn college credit by…killing each other. Isn’t that the American dream? That and being the greatest professional wrestler of all time?
Okay, that’s just me. Either way, he fucked up. LEGALLY. Fuck your morals and your beliefs on animal rights because they don’t mean shit to me. He broke the law, he was punished and his debt to society has been paid. THE END. It should be up to the discretion of the NFL, the players union and the Pound Puppies on whether Vick should play again. The only thing PETA should be allowed to do is die because I hate them with a passion. I will sodomize a baby seal if it makes one member cry and those are drastic measures but I don’t like fuckwits.
The part that pisses me off the most is the fact that people ignore all the shit others have done but focus on Vick like he has done something worse than others. The Hall of Fame is full of wife beaters, child piledrivers, racists and even murders and no one says shit. Didn’t Ray Lewis stab a nigga DURING SUPER BOWL WEEKEND and he was named Super Bowl MVP? Didn’t Kobe Bryant have butt sex with a White woman (Every man’s dream, don’t you dare lie. It’s great!) and he got away with it? Weren’t Brett Farve and John Daly admitted alcoholics that nearly pissed away their careers? These were things that had NOTHING to do with the game. There wasn’t nary a dog on the field during those Atlanta Falcons games. What happened to those dogs…to me PERSONALLY…wasn’t tragic or wrong. It was illegal and he went to jail for it. That should be it, his time has been served, let this man live his life and leave the decision of whether he plays up to the league.
Women + Technology = NO
You know…I don’t even know what to think anymore. How can we vote for a woman president if they don’t understand THE BASICS? Now if you have ever read ANYTHING I have blogged then you know how I feel about women and technology. I am a firm believer in that if someone violates your privacy by taking pictures of you without your knowledge then that is messed up and you have all reason to be upset. However if you take naked pictures OF YOURSELF on a medium that is easily hacked and then get upset or in an uproar about when they are leaked…well you are on your own, buddy. This proves the Zebra Theory to a fact. Let’s takethis theory to Vanessa Hudgens
A few years ago (Hell, it may have been last year) she got caught in an issue about nude photos of her that were all over the interweb. Now no one knows how they got there, but they did. And everyone was all about the violation of her privacy. To a degree I have to agree but there comes a point where one has to say “You know…people out there have gotten my pictures once so maybe I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS!” Now every female says “It should be my right to take pictures of whatever I want on my phone and not have to worry about it being hacked!” and to that I say if I had wheels, I’d be a wagon. The facts are that people DO hack cell phones and even worse if you send them to your boyfriend and you break up…what the fuck where you thinking in the first place? Seriously? Naked pictures? You really expect them not to go anywhere? Gawd, you must be fucking dense.
Chris Brown and Rihanna….You Know What? Fuck It.
I am so sick of this crap. Not those two, they are just dumb kids doing dumb things. It’s with the people saying “How can she be so stupid?!” and calling Chris Brown a monster. First off, Chris Brown is about as tough as Snagglepuss and twice as queer. Secondly, and follow me on this one because I am going to move fast on this, it is Rihanna’s fault anyway. Now before you all sit back and say “OMG! You support domestic violence?!” I first must say I support punching people in the grill piece that act a fucking fool. Now with THAT being said I am not talking about the supposed ass-whoopin Rihanna got. I am talking about the fact that she could end this bullshit quickly by saying either she is or isn’t interested. By doing that, she creates closure on the subject so everyone can move on to lusting over Megan Fox or whatever. Instead, all she does is leave the door open and does random weirdness like she wants him back. Which is fine, but do understand that people are going to call you a dumbass for trying to stay with him even though he have you the Chris Brown Stunner:
Oddly enough, I am sure this is exactly how it went down. Minus the kick ass music, odds are “Kiss, Kiss” was playing. Either way, both are doing this for the publicity and forgetting the fact that women everywhere are learning that it is okay to go back to a man that kicks your ass in public as long as he can dance. See: Bobby Brown and James Brown. And Chris Brown? What is up with dudes with the last name Brown smacking up on women? I may have just created science, fool!
Okay well I am out for now. I am tired and I need a bottle. Of you know what…
Oh soju, you totally understand me. I will be back up soon, peeps.
Chachi Out
The gas isn’t worth it…just walk away. Which I am and I have to say I feel a lot better for it. Thanks, peeps. You know who you are and yes, I am really that fucking nuts. It made for good entertainment though and great therapy.
So I will be 30 in officially thirty-one days and I must say that I am not as vexxed about it as was about three months ago. Those in the know understand why (Identity crisis already? I LIVEZ IT!) and I want to first say thank you for being there for me in my time of utter and complete dipshittery. Also, I want to thank you for not stabbing me in the head for what seemed like not listening to your sound…and correct…advice. I WAS listening but I am kind of a dumbass. Speaking of being a dumbass, I realized that I have a couple of phrases that I say that are rather telling about who I am. Most of these came out on a Sunday night drinkfest (Good times were had by all!) but the best ideas come inebriated.
Quote #1: My Life Is An Epic Adventure…That Should be Lived By No One
HAHAHAHAHAHA….HA…ha…ha…ouch. Shit that one stings. At the same time I must say had I NOT lived what I had I wouldn’t be the lovable so-and-so I am today. Wait…AW, FUCK!
Quote #2: I Do Things and I Do Them Well. Whether You Like It I Don't Know and I Don't Care.
This has been said to pretty much all of my bosses and every woman I have ever met that I dealt with over the last five years. Explains a lot why I am single and have had authority issues at work. Hey, I’m not proud of my faults but at least I admit them. Although I wont stop them because I’M NOT A QUITTER!
Quote #3: Recent Events Have Shown That You CAN NOT Be Trusted So Yeah…Tracking Device.
Now this quote has nothing to do with nothing but at the same time…I hate you, Griff. Albeit from a nocturnal state this so rings true. And yet…I don’t give a shit because I AM AWESOME AND MY MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH! So fuck you, fucky!
Quote #4: Truth And Honesty Are All Lies. All That Matters Is Confidence.
So I just made this one up. It’s what a keyboard and a lack of sleep can do for you. Add in some spirits and this is about to get good. I am a firm believer in the fact that it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, it’s all about can you make others BELIEVE what you say. Remember, you can’t spell believe without lie. Holy shit….
I don’t know if I stole that from somewhere but if I didn’t YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! That is some deep stuff right there. Hell that statement is so true I cant even go into how many times that has been proven true TODAY in just walking around and seeing shit. We all have someone from who we totally believed the lies and you know what? It was our own fool fault. Yet, that statement reeks of so much awesomeness I may have to put that on a shirt.
So on another note, I think it may be time to kick it a bit old school. This blog was from last year about this time and it gave me some good lol’s re-reading it and I hope you feel the same. If not…fuck you and go look at Concrete Loop or something.
Chachi’s Shit That Don’t Make Right Good Sense!
Can A Nigga Eat?
So I for one was glad to see Mike Vick get out of jail. I feel his punishment was too severe for the crimes committed but it is the law and that was the punishment. You can say what you will about my views and I will say to you: eat a dick. So he gets out of jail and people have the all out NERVE to say “he should be banned from football!” to which I say…really? Understand something here; I love dogs. I have had the same dog since Kool and the Gang was running around (Not really, but Shaolin is one old dog) and I would never make him fight other dogs for money because I know he would lose. He aint the toughest dog out there. The simple fact is that Mike Vick was just a small business owner that happened to break several laws and statues in the state of Virginia in regards to taking underprivileged and disenfranchised dogs off the street and putting them in an environment that they could earn college credit by…killing each other. Isn’t that the American dream? That and being the greatest professional wrestler of all time?
Okay, that’s just me. Either way, he fucked up. LEGALLY. Fuck your morals and your beliefs on animal rights because they don’t mean shit to me. He broke the law, he was punished and his debt to society has been paid. THE END. It should be up to the discretion of the NFL, the players union and the Pound Puppies on whether Vick should play again. The only thing PETA should be allowed to do is die because I hate them with a passion. I will sodomize a baby seal if it makes one member cry and those are drastic measures but I don’t like fuckwits.
The part that pisses me off the most is the fact that people ignore all the shit others have done but focus on Vick like he has done something worse than others. The Hall of Fame is full of wife beaters, child piledrivers, racists and even murders and no one says shit. Didn’t Ray Lewis stab a nigga DURING SUPER BOWL WEEKEND and he was named Super Bowl MVP? Didn’t Kobe Bryant have butt sex with a White woman (Every man’s dream, don’t you dare lie. It’s great!) and he got away with it? Weren’t Brett Farve and John Daly admitted alcoholics that nearly pissed away their careers? These were things that had NOTHING to do with the game. There wasn’t nary a dog on the field during those Atlanta Falcons games. What happened to those dogs…to me PERSONALLY…wasn’t tragic or wrong. It was illegal and he went to jail for it. That should be it, his time has been served, let this man live his life and leave the decision of whether he plays up to the league.
Women + Technology = NO
You know…I don’t even know what to think anymore. How can we vote for a woman president if they don’t understand THE BASICS? Now if you have ever read ANYTHING I have blogged then you know how I feel about women and technology. I am a firm believer in that if someone violates your privacy by taking pictures of you without your knowledge then that is messed up and you have all reason to be upset. However if you take naked pictures OF YOURSELF on a medium that is easily hacked and then get upset or in an uproar about when they are leaked…well you are on your own, buddy. This proves the Zebra Theory to a fact. Let’s takethis theory to Vanessa Hudgens
A few years ago (Hell, it may have been last year) she got caught in an issue about nude photos of her that were all over the interweb. Now no one knows how they got there, but they did. And everyone was all about the violation of her privacy. To a degree I have to agree but there comes a point where one has to say “You know…people out there have gotten my pictures once so maybe I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS!” Now every female says “It should be my right to take pictures of whatever I want on my phone and not have to worry about it being hacked!” and to that I say if I had wheels, I’d be a wagon. The facts are that people DO hack cell phones and even worse if you send them to your boyfriend and you break up…what the fuck where you thinking in the first place? Seriously? Naked pictures? You really expect them not to go anywhere? Gawd, you must be fucking dense.
Chris Brown and Rihanna….You Know What? Fuck It.
I am so sick of this crap. Not those two, they are just dumb kids doing dumb things. It’s with the people saying “How can she be so stupid?!” and calling Chris Brown a monster. First off, Chris Brown is about as tough as Snagglepuss and twice as queer. Secondly, and follow me on this one because I am going to move fast on this, it is Rihanna’s fault anyway. Now before you all sit back and say “OMG! You support domestic violence?!” I first must say I support punching people in the grill piece that act a fucking fool. Now with THAT being said I am not talking about the supposed ass-whoopin Rihanna got. I am talking about the fact that she could end this bullshit quickly by saying either she is or isn’t interested. By doing that, she creates closure on the subject so everyone can move on to lusting over Megan Fox or whatever. Instead, all she does is leave the door open and does random weirdness like she wants him back. Which is fine, but do understand that people are going to call you a dumbass for trying to stay with him even though he have you the Chris Brown Stunner:
Oddly enough, I am sure this is exactly how it went down. Minus the kick ass music, odds are “Kiss, Kiss” was playing. Either way, both are doing this for the publicity and forgetting the fact that women everywhere are learning that it is okay to go back to a man that kicks your ass in public as long as he can dance. See: Bobby Brown and James Brown. And Chris Brown? What is up with dudes with the last name Brown smacking up on women? I may have just created science, fool!
Okay well I am out for now. I am tired and I need a bottle. Of you know what…
Oh soju, you totally understand me. I will be back up soon, peeps.
Chachi Out
Monday, August 09, 2010
When Shit Hits The Fan...You Step Out Of The Way Of The Fan. MESSAGE!!
Well it has been a week since I last blogged and man life has been rather special in that timeframe. I really needed someone to talk to, so I took some time out and I talked to my psychiatrist Dr. Deuce and he gave me some really sound advice. Man, the dude is a genius. A drunken, hateful genius that I pay $75 an hour to but man he does good work!
I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again
They say the competition is stiff
But I get a hard dick from this shit, now stick it in
I ain’t never giving in again
caution to the wind, complete freedom
Look at these rappers, how I treat them
So why the fuck would I join them when I beat them
They call me a freak because
I like to spit on these p-ssies fore I eat them
Eminem – No Love
First things first: I poppa freaks all the honeys. HELLS YEAH GRIZZLE!
Sorry, it’s a thing I do. So I have been thinking about that line for about two days now and I am realizing something: living your life can be hard as shit. Man, when you do it is a great feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues and I take myself to task about them whenever I can (Which other people don’t do but hey, who am I to judge those that aint trying to advance. Shits over now, take it like a man). Dr. Deuce on the other hand runs under the Ken Titus Theory of “STOP BEING A WUSSY!” which actually works a hell of a lot better. If something is dragging you down either you go down with the ship or you hop off and save your sanity. Or…you can blow that bitch up, set fire to the other survivors and then go and blow up the company that made the fucking ship. Guess which one I’m going to do. Ah, peeps you know me all too well. It is about that time….take it away, Dr. Deuce!
Dr. Deuce’s Help Corner: Get Off Your Cross, Build A Bridge and Get Over It.
Then I Will Proceed To OBLITERATE That Bridge Because I Don’t Need The Baggage! Yep, you know this is going to be good. Welcome to the session, peeps. Now, let me begin this session by saying I couldn’t give a FUCK about your feelings. This is for your own fool good and if you don’t like it, eat a bag of dicks with a side of piss is a cold glass.
No One Owes You A God Damn Thing.
Understand something about life, no one is owed anything. You can spend all day saying “Man, that motherfucker owes me $10!” but that doesn’t mean you will get that shit. From explanations to apologies the only thing you are owed in life is the gift of living it. If you spend your time obsessing about yourself and why people are doing things to you then you are acting like a fucking victim when in reality you are a bitch nigga. There are two people in this world that are non-gratis and need to be shot on sight:
1. Bitch Niggas
2. Bitch ASS Niggas
If you are going out of your way to get sympathy for shit that is quite simply not that serious then you are a bitch ass nigga and most importanty:
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Riley. Nigga, you gay.
If You Have An Open Relationship, YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP.
Okay, this has been a source of debate between patients and myself and I just you to remember that I’m the doctor. So take two shut-the-fuck-ups and SHUT THE FUCK UP. The thought of an open relationship seems like the best of both worlds but honestly, let’s look at a simple analogy.
A football player signs a contract with a team. Then after signing after a few months he says “Hey, I have been thinking and I want to run some trick plays for another team. In the same division. Your biggest rival.” What would you say? Hells-the-fuck-naw, right? Exactly.
The concept of an open-relationship is based off of the fact that there is something there that you are not getting from the party you are with that you are seeking from someone else. Now a LOGICAL human being would say “Hey, this person isn’t fulfilling all I am looking for in a significant other so either we will talk about what is/isn’t working and try to come to a consensus or we will part.” Sounds like some adult shit, right? Now a dysfunction set of bitch ass niggas will say “I don’t want to be with this person but I am to scared/crazy/lazy to leave so I will say we should have an open-relationship so I can fuck who I want and fill my tank at the Citgo for free!” Oops, you fucked up. You are doomed to dysfunction.
I cannot tell anyone what to do or how to do it. Just be forewarned, just because you live your life one way doesn’t mean others have to be around while you do your dip-shittery. Remember, you can only help those that want to be helped. If they are fine in their little make-believe world of snap-dragons and lollipops then let them stay there. Doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride and if you do GET THE FUCK OUT FAST! That is a ship you don’t want to be on when it goes down. In the famous words of 1944 Dr. Tran…”Don’t I know it”
Sometimes It’s Better To Be The Bad Guy Than The Nice Guy
That one is for you, C-Money. One thing I have noticed is that we live in a society where no one wants to take a look in the mirror and say “what is it about me that is causing this to happen” because people are SO CONVINCED that it’s not their fault. Now I am not a blame person by any means, I am a responsibility person first and foremost. So if you are having the same thing happen to you then maybe it is time to come to grips and take a long look at yourself. I for one believe that if you aren’t doing something once a day to attempt to better yourself then you are wasting your time living and you should kill yourself and give that life to John Ritter or Pimp C (SWEET JONES!) you know…someone that fucking deserves it.
I am letting you true believers know first and foremost you need to do what is best for you. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Whether it be emotionally, physically or logically you have to focus on your star player, which is you. Katt Williams said it best, there is always going to be SOMEBODY mad at you:
But in the end you HAVE to focus on what makes YOU better and is best for YOUR sanity. If people don’t like it and they hate….
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Nothing worse than a fucking hater. If you are trying to do better and all they can think of is themselves and how it is effect THEM and THEIR friendship….
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Man, I could see that be an anthem in the club if I get Lil Jon on the hook. Dr. Deuce and Lil’ Jon coming soon! You know what else? There is something that needs to be said about dysfunctional people: they mistake hate with apathy. You see, when you are looking to get better, a hater loves nothing more than to try to bring you down with them because they hate to see people be happy because they aren’t. Don’t deny it! It’s been proven by science! So when you do what you do and others want you to do what they do, they hate when you don’t because you aren’t with them and they don’t want to go where you are. Which is fine, let them do their thing. You have to be prepared when you do and move on because they are going to take it personally because with haters, it’s all about them. It aint NEVER about you, it’s about them and how everything effects them and you are the bad one because you are looking out for your superstar and not them. Being the bad guy hurts but you can’t let that bring you down. You are looking out for your superstar and not the role players. Your real team is down and that is all that matters so…
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Lil Jon, you need to do a new damn album.
Live Like Diddy: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO!
As many of you know, Diddy is one of my most famous clients. He used to be downtrodden after the loss of his friend (He wrote a song about it. Well, The Police wrote a song about it but he takes hits from the 80’s and makes it sound so crazy) and all the haters on him about his shiny suits and lavish lifestyle, he hit a major funk. I mean, he signed LOON for Christ sake. That dude SUCKS. Then Diddy and I met and discussed his life and problems over pandas milk while racing on lions in Constantinople. Diddy calls it Constantinople, it’s fucking called Constantinople. You know what I told him to do?
Live Like Diddy
At first he was confused but I heard from a friend a long time ago that you have to live YOUR live. Living is hard because you want to do for everyone else but if you aren’t living for you….who and what are you living for? Finally after a game of tiddlywinks with several naked women while eating dodo bird egg omelets he realized what I meant. Now look at him:
He don’t give a fuck about you or what you think about him. SHINY SUIT MAN IS FUCKING BACK! I mean now he is courting Rick Ross but you can’t win them all. Ery’day he hustling! So I know all of you cannot ball out of control like Diddy but at LEAST you can live your life to the fullest. In other words DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO! You don’t owe anyone any explanations or apologies. Well, make sure the shit is legal because you don’t have a team of lawyers like Diddy…just ask Shyne. BAM! But do what you want and if people want to be all butt-hurt about that shit then they can pound sand. Live like Diddy, peeps. It’s all he asks of you.
Well, that is enough for the Dr. Deuce session for today. Much like ninjas, Black Dynamite and Popeye I show up when I am needed. Take care and remember….Live Like Diddy.
Wow…you gotta love Dr. Deuce. He may be back to kick more of the truth to the young Black youth so stay tuned. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again
They say the competition is stiff
But I get a hard dick from this shit, now stick it in
I ain’t never giving in again
caution to the wind, complete freedom
Look at these rappers, how I treat them
So why the fuck would I join them when I beat them
They call me a freak because
I like to spit on these p-ssies fore I eat them
Eminem – No Love
First things first: I poppa freaks all the honeys. HELLS YEAH GRIZZLE!
Sorry, it’s a thing I do. So I have been thinking about that line for about two days now and I am realizing something: living your life can be hard as shit. Man, when you do it is a great feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues and I take myself to task about them whenever I can (Which other people don’t do but hey, who am I to judge those that aint trying to advance. Shits over now, take it like a man). Dr. Deuce on the other hand runs under the Ken Titus Theory of “STOP BEING A WUSSY!” which actually works a hell of a lot better. If something is dragging you down either you go down with the ship or you hop off and save your sanity. Or…you can blow that bitch up, set fire to the other survivors and then go and blow up the company that made the fucking ship. Guess which one I’m going to do. Ah, peeps you know me all too well. It is about that time….take it away, Dr. Deuce!
Dr. Deuce’s Help Corner: Get Off Your Cross, Build A Bridge and Get Over It.
Then I Will Proceed To OBLITERATE That Bridge Because I Don’t Need The Baggage! Yep, you know this is going to be good. Welcome to the session, peeps. Now, let me begin this session by saying I couldn’t give a FUCK about your feelings. This is for your own fool good and if you don’t like it, eat a bag of dicks with a side of piss is a cold glass.
No One Owes You A God Damn Thing.
Understand something about life, no one is owed anything. You can spend all day saying “Man, that motherfucker owes me $10!” but that doesn’t mean you will get that shit. From explanations to apologies the only thing you are owed in life is the gift of living it. If you spend your time obsessing about yourself and why people are doing things to you then you are acting like a fucking victim when in reality you are a bitch nigga. There are two people in this world that are non-gratis and need to be shot on sight:
1. Bitch Niggas
2. Bitch ASS Niggas
If you are going out of your way to get sympathy for shit that is quite simply not that serious then you are a bitch ass nigga and most importanty:
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Riley. Nigga, you gay.
If You Have An Open Relationship, YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP.
Okay, this has been a source of debate between patients and myself and I just you to remember that I’m the doctor. So take two shut-the-fuck-ups and SHUT THE FUCK UP. The thought of an open relationship seems like the best of both worlds but honestly, let’s look at a simple analogy.
A football player signs a contract with a team. Then after signing after a few months he says “Hey, I have been thinking and I want to run some trick plays for another team. In the same division. Your biggest rival.” What would you say? Hells-the-fuck-naw, right? Exactly.
The concept of an open-relationship is based off of the fact that there is something there that you are not getting from the party you are with that you are seeking from someone else. Now a LOGICAL human being would say “Hey, this person isn’t fulfilling all I am looking for in a significant other so either we will talk about what is/isn’t working and try to come to a consensus or we will part.” Sounds like some adult shit, right? Now a dysfunction set of bitch ass niggas will say “I don’t want to be with this person but I am to scared/crazy/lazy to leave so I will say we should have an open-relationship so I can fuck who I want and fill my tank at the Citgo for free!” Oops, you fucked up. You are doomed to dysfunction.
I cannot tell anyone what to do or how to do it. Just be forewarned, just because you live your life one way doesn’t mean others have to be around while you do your dip-shittery. Remember, you can only help those that want to be helped. If they are fine in their little make-believe world of snap-dragons and lollipops then let them stay there. Doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride and if you do GET THE FUCK OUT FAST! That is a ship you don’t want to be on when it goes down. In the famous words of 1944 Dr. Tran…”Don’t I know it”
Sometimes It’s Better To Be The Bad Guy Than The Nice Guy
That one is for you, C-Money. One thing I have noticed is that we live in a society where no one wants to take a look in the mirror and say “what is it about me that is causing this to happen” because people are SO CONVINCED that it’s not their fault. Now I am not a blame person by any means, I am a responsibility person first and foremost. So if you are having the same thing happen to you then maybe it is time to come to grips and take a long look at yourself. I for one believe that if you aren’t doing something once a day to attempt to better yourself then you are wasting your time living and you should kill yourself and give that life to John Ritter or Pimp C (SWEET JONES!) you know…someone that fucking deserves it.
I am letting you true believers know first and foremost you need to do what is best for you. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Whether it be emotionally, physically or logically you have to focus on your star player, which is you. Katt Williams said it best, there is always going to be SOMEBODY mad at you:
But in the end you HAVE to focus on what makes YOU better and is best for YOUR sanity. If people don’t like it and they hate….
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Nothing worse than a fucking hater. If you are trying to do better and all they can think of is themselves and how it is effect THEM and THEIR friendship….
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Man, I could see that be an anthem in the club if I get Lil Jon on the hook. Dr. Deuce and Lil’ Jon coming soon! You know what else? There is something that needs to be said about dysfunctional people: they mistake hate with apathy. You see, when you are looking to get better, a hater loves nothing more than to try to bring you down with them because they hate to see people be happy because they aren’t. Don’t deny it! It’s been proven by science! So when you do what you do and others want you to do what they do, they hate when you don’t because you aren’t with them and they don’t want to go where you are. Which is fine, let them do their thing. You have to be prepared when you do and move on because they are going to take it personally because with haters, it’s all about them. It aint NEVER about you, it’s about them and how everything effects them and you are the bad one because you are looking out for your superstar and not them. Being the bad guy hurts but you can’t let that bring you down. You are looking out for your superstar and not the role players. Your real team is down and that is all that matters so…
FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!
Lil Jon, you need to do a new damn album.
Live Like Diddy: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO!
As many of you know, Diddy is one of my most famous clients. He used to be downtrodden after the loss of his friend (He wrote a song about it. Well, The Police wrote a song about it but he takes hits from the 80’s and makes it sound so crazy) and all the haters on him about his shiny suits and lavish lifestyle, he hit a major funk. I mean, he signed LOON for Christ sake. That dude SUCKS. Then Diddy and I met and discussed his life and problems over pandas milk while racing on lions in Constantinople. Diddy calls it Constantinople, it’s fucking called Constantinople. You know what I told him to do?
Live Like Diddy
At first he was confused but I heard from a friend a long time ago that you have to live YOUR live. Living is hard because you want to do for everyone else but if you aren’t living for you….who and what are you living for? Finally after a game of tiddlywinks with several naked women while eating dodo bird egg omelets he realized what I meant. Now look at him:
He don’t give a fuck about you or what you think about him. SHINY SUIT MAN IS FUCKING BACK! I mean now he is courting Rick Ross but you can’t win them all. Ery’day he hustling! So I know all of you cannot ball out of control like Diddy but at LEAST you can live your life to the fullest. In other words DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO! You don’t owe anyone any explanations or apologies. Well, make sure the shit is legal because you don’t have a team of lawyers like Diddy…just ask Shyne. BAM! But do what you want and if people want to be all butt-hurt about that shit then they can pound sand. Live like Diddy, peeps. It’s all he asks of you.
Well, that is enough for the Dr. Deuce session for today. Much like ninjas, Black Dynamite and Popeye I show up when I am needed. Take care and remember….Live Like Diddy.
Wow…you gotta love Dr. Deuce. He may be back to kick more of the truth to the young Black youth so stay tuned. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Friday, July 30, 2010
Do The Franklin: Coming To A Club Near You!
Yes...another repeat. I am sorry! New blog Sunday, had a really vexxing week. Yeah, I think that describes it. I'll be back with something new soon!
What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.
Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:
As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….
Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing
Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:
Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:
That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.
Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.
Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:
How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.
(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)
You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.
Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!
Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.
Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.
Reason #3: Music Sucks
Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:
Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.
With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:
And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!
Look it up, bitches.
Chachi Out
What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.
Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:
As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….
Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing
Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:
Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:
That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.
Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.
Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:
How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.
(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)
You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.
Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!
Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.
Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.
Reason #3: Music Sucks
Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:
Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.
With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:
And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!
Look it up, bitches.
Chachi Out
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Even Better The Second Time Around!
Alright people! It has been a while since I have done an Omnibus based off of the people. Mostly because…I hate the people. Today, I will give the people what they ask for…nay…what they DEMAND of the Passion of Chachi: half-assed answers to your dumb fucking questions. Yeah, you know you love it! So sit back and get ready for…
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's Raining Blogs!
What is up, peeps?! I am back again and I am beginning to think that it is going to take a minute to get back in the groove of blogging everyday. Back when I was unemployed (And working at Qwest, which was pretty much unemployment with all the drama in a nice, Downtown Denver setting) I was blogging every day and I must say while it made for good entertainment and an excellent release…I was a fricking train wreck. But at least it was an epic train wreck.
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
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