Man...I Am One Angry Dude. Eh, It's The Fury Before The Apathy I Guess.

This is a post from May of 2008. It was based off of an article I saw on Cosmo Online and um...yeah, I pretty much went off. New post tomorrow I hope. Depends on how today goes and if I still have to put up with this shit. You know what I mean. Anyway, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go...

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

See, this is why women have ego issues and self-esteem problems. If you don’t act like the world revolves around (And unless bitches have trumped gravitational pull…it fucking doesn’t> Even if you had, you don’t want to be called fat so now what? Fucktards…) then women feel like you don’t care which makes no sense because don’t women want to be independent? I mean some of this shit borders on the stalkerish…and I should fucking know.

1. Rub her feet instead of asking her if she wants you to rub her feet. Make it look like you want to do it.
(Um…no. Feet are fucking disgusting for one. For two, I haven’t seen nary an article telling a woman to not talk so much and leave me the fuck alone sometimes and act like SHE likes it. Women with feet fetishes need to be slapped with a fucking Puma. Nasty bitches)

2. Make her dinner one night. Don't ask her if she wants you to make dinner. Make her dinner before she gets home.
(That is fine and dandy. Aint nothing wrong with cooking for your special lady. But at the same time…will she do the same for you? Pretty much no. Women have an aversion to cooking because they have a preconceived notion that it is what they are “supposed” to do so they buck the trend and may you be DAMNED if you ask them about cooking. Then you don’t “respect” her. Hey, at least I’m not giving you and uppercut to the gut about it)

3. Light a candle so that she arrives home to a nice environment instead of coming home to the glaring lights of the television and other things.
(What the fuck, man. Some women come home to a boot in the head or to the vision of her man banging the shit out of another woman. Are candlelights REALLY that important. Hell, how about I not pay the light bill. Is that shit romantic? What the fuck, Bellanie?!)

4. Send her a text in the middle of the day telling her "I miss your smile from this morning" or "Last night was amazing!" or "The conversation we had last night was great."
(Eh, nothing wrong with that I guess. At least he aint saying “Bitch, I know where you is! I’m gon find you!” Odds are none of this is true so if I was a woman I would be pissed off about him lying through his keypad to me. Something realistic would be “You know what? I don’t not like you.”)

5. Send an eCard in the middle of the day... something cute to remind her how much you really care about her.
(My god….how fucking dumb. Nothing says love like a remanufactured card given to you over the fucking internet with rabbits singing “You Got The Look” by Roxette. If this makes you feel good inside it is no wonder that no one wants to vote for Hillary.)

6. If she's going on a business trip, offer to drive her to the airport or pick her up to make her life that much easier.
(Um…duh? Since when do women go on business trips? Women that go on business trips are usually ballin enough to have drivers. If they do, then this isn’t special, it should be the fucking norm. You ever taken a taxi? That shit is expensive!)

7. Let her have control of the remote control. Don't monopolize it for a change. Just give it to her and let her actually sit there and enjoying watching one of her shows. Then you can share one of her interests by watching it with her.
(Pfft, she can HAVE the TV. I watch K-dramas and Adult Swim anyway and since women don’t like shows that rule I don’t have to worry about that shit. Why in the fuck do I have to enjoy shows a woman likes when they are always reality shows like “The Hills” or “Tila Tequila” when she doesn’t have to watch “Venture Brothers” or “Rebelde?” Understand one thing: shows women like suck. I don’t mind watching shows with my lady but show some fucking skid row bro…which they DO NOT.)

8. Offer to iron one of her shirts or take her clothes to the dry cleaner.
(Eh, I go to the dry cleaners all the time so that’s no big deal. But would it kill you to do some fucking laundry? I’m just saying.)

9. Clean up the bathroom without being asked. Don't just sit there and ignore the mess around the toilet. If you know it drives her crazy to see water splashed all around the sink, dry that area after you use it.
(God, is cleaning not a two way street here? It sounds like there is nothing being done by the other fucking party. Clean up your own fucking toothpaste and I will do the same. Geez, it isn’t rocket science it is COMMON FUCKING SENSE. Cleaning isn’t a tug of war, you do it so you don’t get fucking infestations)

10. If you work out together, enjoy it with her instead of rushing through your own workout and then not letting her workout at the same time.
(Um…yeah I am not going to do that. Let me have my shame of working out alone. I don’t even enjoy looking at me while I work out. If anything, I am sparing her from therapy. More so than she has because it seems like therapy is the new fucking black. Remember when people were just fucking crazy and they were told to deal with it? How many school shootings or suicides did we have? Hell, divorce was down too in the old days. Mainly because women knew how to TAKE A PUNCH. Not like now, they have jaws like Glass Joe in “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out”)

11. Take a shower together, then wash her hair, scrub her back, and give her a spa treatment. Do this and enjoy it!
(You know she will just end up hogging all of the hot water. Although it does save on expenses. With prices they way they are these days you can’t afford NOT to take a shower together! Have her bring her friends!)

12. The next time she gives you a massage, give her a massage the next day. Offer it! Don't just say you'll give her a massage...do it!
(Well, most women [I would say all but the ladies at Miss Mao’s Oriental Massage do it RIGHT] don’t know what the fuck they are doing when they give massages so this isn’t about returning the favor. This is about showing her how it is done. Just poking at muscles isn’t massaging just like probing at your clitoris isn’t cunilingus. No argument with the sentiment but let’s face it, she won’t appreciate it. Women, like niggas don’t appreciate shit)

13. Surprise her by making plans. Tell her, "We're going out tonight honey." You can even just go out for a drink or dinner somewhere. It's taking the initiative that's important.
(No problems here. Except I am all about the sake and sojo and no women really like sake and soju. Except Asian women…and it is why I love them. Oh, and women like niggas don’t appreciate shit. She’ll complain)

14. Decide on and set aside one night a week as date night. Have a date like when you first started dating.
(Um…you still ARE dating. Does this really change? Do you just say “Well, we have been together enough to know we like each other.” This is just weird to me. Again, odds are she will complain because complaining to a woman is like red orbs to Dante in the Devil May Cry series: it helps her level up and gain evil, demonic powers. I aint having that shit)

15. Call her in the middle of the day and just say hello. Don't wait for her to call you.
It can be simple to keep her satisfied. It's not necessarily about what you give her financially or what gifts you give her. That's a cop out. It's the little things. The guy who makes the biggest mistake is the one who ignores their significant other then all of a sudden give them an expensive gift to make up for it. That doesn't make up for it at all
(Yeah, one man’s spontaneous love is another woman’s stalking. Half the time I can’t stand talking to a woman to begin with. To call her or text her in the middle of the day means she will want to talk which will mean I want her to shut up because she is saying nothing of value. I kid, I kid. Kind of)

Wow, surprisingly the majority of men out there that beat their women do NONE OF THIS SHIT. Yet, women stay with them for years. It’s true: fear and dependence trump love. Man, that is a horrible statement but….I don’t really gives a fuck. Tell’em, Marshall:

Yeah, I am out. Stay up.

Chachi Out.

You Know, Back In The Day Sexual Harassment Was Just "Hello."

What is up, peeps? Today I want to tackle something that has been tossed out as of late that I really need to address and clarify to people. You see, I am one to rarely toss out the phrase “racist” because I believe the word is based in saying something untrue or hurtful under the guise of humor or social commentary. I don’t actually hate Jewish people although I do make Jewish jokes along with most other…well, everything else. I also know the ledge. Drop the beat, Eric B:

First off, I miss Rakim. Second off, when I say know the ledge there is a line when it comes to humor that unless it is personally directed to an individual (See: Jess for being…well, Jess) I do not cross because it is quite simply not funny to me. Now I am an individual and I always say to each their own but I don’t go around saying “chink” or “heeb” all the time because there is no need to. You can be provocative without being offensive. It isn’t like the line is thin, either. There is a clear line between offensive and humorous and if you don’t know it then your ass aint funny. Think about it like this: if you heard someone else say what you are about (Or in some cases JUST DID) say, would you find it funny? Would it be any more or less offensive had someone else said it and if they had would you let it slide? If you say no to this then what you just said is offensive. If you say no then it should be good but…there are a lot jerkasses out there. I am one.

Now with that completely addressed, I was called something today that I have never been called before. Which was a shock to me but then again I don’t care about what anyone says to me ever to I can see how this all kind of overlaps. I got called sexist today. What is weird about it is that what I agreed with what I thought was pure fucking logic. I stated that affirmative action only counts if you are equal to the person you are competing against. If you have the same qualifications or more and you don’t get the job because you are a woman or a colored (My words, not hers) then I said affirmative action is not only justified it is necessary. HOWEVER, if you are NOT qualified and you are being considered over qualified candidates (Not only Whites, any race or sex) I don’t see how that is effective in any way shape or form. My exact words and I was called sexist because I wasn’t being sensitive to the plight of women in the workplace.

Now as a Black male I can honestly say that affirmative action has its’ place. By the way, I love how White women think that having a Black president means that all Black people as a whole are taking their shit. I haven’t got my Obama Bump yet, motherfucker so shut the hell up. Anyway, it DOES diversify the workplace when it is filled with several of the same type of person no matter the sex, race, religion or creed. If you are a woman and you are as qualified as a man if there are 100 men in the department and no women then damn it I believe she should get that job IF she is qualified or more qualified than the male applicant. I don’t believe an over-qualified person should be over-looked because they are female just as much as I don’t believe and under-qualified person SHOULD be hired because they are male. With that said, once you are in there you have to follow the set rules that go along with the workplace. PERIOD.

First off, you should not be treated any differently just because of who or what you are unless it is needed to help you perform the task. If you are handicapped and you need a ramp that is of course fine. If you are blind and you require Braille then that is quite kosher. If you are a woman, you do not need to be coddled. If there is a particular way that people are spoken to or disciplined for their actions then you don’t need different treatment because you are a woman. If you cannot do the job under the specifications that are laid out for all employees then you ARE NOT QUALIFIED. I do not expect to be a police officer because I cannot run for shit and would be inclined to just shoot a motherfucker. That and I don’t like being around crackheads; they scare me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about being difficult for the sake of douchery. I have seen female employees bullied for not being able to be “one of the guys” just the same as I have seen Asian employees talked slowly to because of their accent or Black people corrected for saying a work correctly…which I believe should be met with a Black fist to the White face side but that is just me (Case in point, I heard a Black man say coerced during a HR session at my old job and the White person corrected him by saying it was “coerced” but put the emphasis on the “er”. I wanted to stab that dude). I do not believe that the feeling that coddling an employee because she is female is sexist. Just like I don’t believe making exemptions for Black employees being chronically late is being racist. It’s just good business because you would be firing a hell of a lot of Black people if you didn’t.

Okay, I am kidding there but in all seriousness I don’t believe I am sexist in thinking a woman shouldn’t get hired over other qualified applicants because she is female is unfair just as I feel the same about any minority that gets chosen over another candidate; male or female. I just think it is fair. I don’t think that emotion should take precedent when dealing with the same issue any male employee should have to just grin and bear like a lay-off, criticism or reprimand. Everybody is hurt when they get laid off or fired (Except for me, I was WAY TOO DRUNK TO CARE, wasn’t I Copper? All by 11:30am, too. I’m awesome!) so why should there be special consideration to female employees “feelings?” Feelings are for poor people!

The other issue I have had is the concept of harassment:

Now I believe that the workplace should be a safe place for anyone and everyone. You should never feel that your job or safety is in jeopardy when you walk in the door no matter who you are or what sex or age you are. Let’s face it though…it isn’t all about you. As one who has seen sexual harassment up close (I felt…so used. She made me be…THE WOMAN! WAAAH!) I can say it isn’t fun but at the same time…c’mon! Lighten up, ladies! It’s all in good fun! I AM FUCKING KIDDING! Kind of.

Well if I can’t talk about slapping the shit out of Beyonce (Which is surprisingly sexual harassment for some fucking reason. I just thought it was a well deserved slap but here we are) then there are something’s that women cannot talk about in the workplace…ever:

1. Your Fucking Kids: Understand this right here and now. No one cares about your kids but you and maybe the Army if they are willing to get shot at and love sand and Arabs/Pakis. Yes, I fucking went there. I don’t need to see their pictures, I don’t care if you don’t know why they are into emo and I DON’T GIVE A FUCK YOUR KID LIKES RAP. Just because I am Black doesn’t mean I like rap…jackass.
2. Menstrual Cycles: I don’t give a fuck how natural it is. I have never talked out loud at work about working my turk except maybe twice. EVER. That is a natural function. As a matter of fact, I keep my privates just like the word: FUCKING PRIVATE. I don’t care if you are talking to other women if you are in earshot I don’t care that you fucking bleed. Get some stitches or SUCK IT UP. God hates us all and that is your punishment. Mine is 50 Cent.
3. Sex: As much as hearing men talk about sex at work is vulgar and borderline illegal (Everyone has a Quagmire at work. If you aint laughing then that nasty motherfucker is YOU), hearing women talk about sex is surprisingly…egotistical and pointless. In my years of listening to the clucking across the cubes, women think that whatever they like is by default sexy and whatever men like is by default deviant and yet neither is true because not all women like things that are sexy and not all men think that bukkake is the best way to spend a Wednesday. The reason I state this is because 64% of women’s number one fantasy is rape so I really don’t find anything logical about that so anything that comes out of their mouth to me is just like what everyone else says to me: jibber-jabber. Sex happens in your own bedroom (Or in some cases in the back of a Nissan Stanza at a lunch break according to a certain co-worker) or wherever but I don’t need to hear about it in the office.
4. Your Outfit: NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. Work isn’t a fashion show so I could care less about how those boots look with that blouse. You know what is even funnier? Women can’t dress themselves. Go to the mall for 10 minutes and tell me if they look like they have one dimes worth of fashion sense. Now take those mallrats and add 10-15 (Sometimes 20-25…you know who you are, ladies) and put them in a professional environment. You now have the workplace in the 2000’s. It’s like Claire’s and Forever 21 exploded except your trifling ass is over 30. Oh, and hooker boots…no. Just no. While I am on this, the same goes for men and flip-flops. I am so sick of bros in the fucking workplace…but that is another rant altogether.
5. Twilight: New rule. If you are over the age of 16, you are not allowed to talk about that shit. Before you say “What about you and your anime and K-pop?! That’s the same thing!” I will first say “Fuck your simple ass, no it’s not” because anime has shows geared for adults AND teenagers and as for K-Pop…

Hells yeah, they are old enough. More talented to boot, although with After School that aint saying much. I have seen more talent at a pet store.

So in the end I want to gear back to me being sexist. As one who is has a Doctorate (Bachelor’s in Communications and a Minor in Women’s Studies. I am officially a Doctor. Take THAT, Bill Cosby!) I feel that statement about me is unfair. I think Kasey said it best: “I don’t think you are angry as much as overly forward.” I have to say that statement fits with my stance on pretty much everything. I SAY I hate women as much as I SAY I hate Black people. Truth is if you pay attention I hate ASPECTS of women and ASPECTS of Black people. I feel a lot of women skirt responsibility with perceived illogical “freedoms and rights” which like I have always said is quite alright if you want to create your own perceived reality. Problem is that we normies let assholes and bitches LIVE in that perceived reality because we don’t roll up a newspaper and smack them on the fucking nose when they accuse us of being sexist or racist because we point out their bullshit about blaming others or skirting responsibility. I would LOVE to chalk up my situation to the man holding me down and women being bitches to me. That is the easy way out, even if it is the truth. Knuckle up and live your life; quit expecting others to concede because you happen to be “oppressed.” You know who else said that? Hitler. Are you better than Hitler ladies? If not you better get an German companion, lock yourself in a bunker and commit suicide. First, you gotta eliminate the Jews. You got the stones for that? Didn’t think so.

Well…that was odd. No weirder than anything else I have posted, I guess. Well, I am off to bed. Be back on Wednesday MAYBE. I SAID MAYBE, ASS!

Chachi Out

You Can't Yell No Homo...When You Surround Yourself With Oiled Up Dudes. Just...No.

What is up, peeps?! Not much right now, it is almost bedtime and I have to get to work and show up at a somewhat reasonable hour. Like…10am? Or something like that. First things; I finally decided to put the Countdown up on the tube! Yes, Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown is up on YouTube! I may not do it often due to some of the legalities (Not posting full videos and not selling them but the RIAA is a bunch of cocks so you know how that goes) but before they decide to pull it for douchery…CHECK THIS OUT:

Hells yeah. Most of the work is done so I may just post this on Saturday mornings as I sober up after the Friday postings. Or not, depends on the demand and whatnot.

So not that I got the video thing out of the way, I quickly want to talk about something before I go to bed: White people not keeping bros in check. You know, the days on certain Black people acting ignorant in public have become sporadic and in most cases regional (Fuck you, I aint going to New Orleans. I like living) to the point that people bitching about them being ignorant are quite simply in places they shouldn’t be. Honestly, if you don’t like Black people then don’t go to the Black mall. With that being addressed…why are bros and guidos still able to act like Cro-Magnon rejects with beer bottles and no one says shit to these fuckers? There is no lower form of person on this planet than a guido or a bro (Except maybe the mythical Gui-bro…or a swarthy Turk) and yet they run amok like we live in fucking Bedrock or something. You people need to handle your damn business. When you see one of these spikey haired, Eminem loving, Boston claiming, jagerbomb swilling fuckers acting a fool in public yelling out “FUCK YEAH, BRO! NO HOMO!” then you need to tell them to shut the fuck up. They are ruining shit for the rest of us that really don’t find their antics impressive nor entertaining.

What is really funny is that the women with them look embarrassed as fuck and say NOTHING AT ALL. It is kind of sad in a way but in a way it’s like a woman that dates a thug only to get hit with a vicious right hand for asking him to turn down the Jim Jones. That thug didn’t snap; that nigga went nigga! The more we let these fuckwits act like this in public the more it will become accepted to the point of encouragement. I will be damned if that fuckery becomes the norm. This will NOT become another incident like grillz and white-tees. HANDLE YOUR PLEBIANS!

Well, it is almost bedtime. I will be back up on Tuesday with something hopefully. Repeats make me feel bad. Something should piss me off by then, though. Until next time, peace out.

Chachi Out

I STILL HATE WINDOWS 7 BETA! FUCKERS!

It is a day late, but nowhere near lacking in the awesome! It is time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!

Let’s get it!

20. Charles Hamilton - Loser (Last Week #17)
We begin this week with Charles Hamilton. After moving up to number 17 last week he looks to have lost a lot of momentum. Even still, this new wave of hip hop is giving me hope.
19. Tohoshinki – Share The World (New Entry)

Okay….we all know how I feel about these guys. I don’t NOT like them but I don’t LIKE them. But I LOVE this song and video so they are on here. And it is FUCKING ONE PIECE! LOVE IT! Oh, and they aren’t KAT-TUN which makes them awesome. I hate those guys.
18. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #16, Two Weeks at #1)
BACK-ON drops two more spots this week as I wonder one thing about J-rock: CAN IT HANDLE THE RETURN OF ABINGDON BOYS SCHOOL?! Hells yes, JAP is out and I am just waiting to get the download. HELLS…YES.
17. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo – Knocks You Down (Last Week #14)
Keri Hilson looked to be making big moves last week but she falls a big three spots this week and looks to be losing some momentum. Can she turn it around?
16. Kanye West featuring Young Jeezy – Amazing (Last Week #20)
Yeezy and Jeezy move up four big spots this week with Kanye’s IMAX ready latest video. This is my second favorite song on 808’s & Heartbreak (Behind “Coldest Winter”) and is my favorite video visually so far.
15. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #13, One Week at #1)

John Legend is still hanging on with his fifth number one video so far. Not much on the horizon for him from what I am hearing so I guess 2010 is the destination…LAME.
14. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #11)
Speaking of 2010…that will be the last time we see Cliffy. We see J-Tim every-damn-where so we really can’t get sick of the guy but the king will be missed. Except by inmates. Jerkass.
13. Young Money feat Lil Wayne – Every Girl (Last Week #15)
Young Money and Weezy move up two spots this week as it looks like Rebirth will actually show up before I hit 30. I am liking what I hear from this so far. Also…I am officially a Drake stan. Sorry, gotta give talent props when you hear it.
12. Namie Amuro - WILD (Last Week #12)

Miss Namie stands pat this week after falling a spot the week prior. Can she continue her upward trend after this?
11. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #9, Three Weeks at #1)
Miss Ito falls from the Top Ten for the first time since February with her former number one video! I am so hoping for a new video from her soon. Wait, WE HAVE ONE! WITH SPONTONIA! Well, it’s just a remake of the song from a few months ago but…I love her.
10. YUI – Again (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)

We begin the Top Ten with the biggest mover of 2009! YUI jumps up an astronomical EIGHT SPOTS this week into the Top Ten once again! Also, check out the new Full Metal Alchemist season. I need to recap because I got rid of my hard drive from my MiRC days but it rocks!
9. Dev Parade – Bachokkoi!! (Last Week #8)
Dev Parade falls a spot this week as the Naruto bump may have worn off. You know, since the new Shippuuden openings, Bleach has a 4 to 1 advantage with number one videos off of the opening and closing themes? Bleach owns, fool!
8. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (Last Week #5)
Lil Wayne falls from the Top Five this week as again we await the Young Money and his Rebirth albums. You know, I am kind of glad 50 Cent is gone. Hip hops suckery is dying down…shit, there is Eminem. Great.
7. Pitbull – I Know You Want Me [Calle Ocho] (Last Week #10)

Mr. 305 is moving on up! Miami’s finest moves up three more spots this week and I have to say that Pitbull has become one of my favorites out right now and has been for a while. One word: underrated.
6. Abingdon Boys School – STRENGTH (Last Week #3)
JAP IS COMING SOON! LOOK OUT FOR IT! Until then, STRENGTH didn’t have the strength to rebound as it falls three spots this week.
5. Wonder Girls – NOW (Last Week #7)

Queue JYP: THE WONDER GIRLS ARE BACK! They move up a big two spots to return to the Top Five! Can they go three for three? The only artist to do that was John Legend (have their first videos go to number one on the Countdown) so that will put them is some EXCLUSIVE company!
4. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
Shion falls two spots this week after breaking through two weeks back to take the top spot. I am so waiting for the Scandal and Sambomaster videos from the Bleach opening/closing. Could be a kick ass summer! We are down to three!
3. Jesse McCartney featuring Ludacris – How Do You Sleep (Last Week #6)

J-Mac is back! After coming close to taking number one with “It’s Over” in February, he brings Ludacris along and they are just two steps away from the top! Shocking that Luda has never been on here before. I like Cris.
2. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me (Last Week #4)

Miss Utada is in the runner up spot this week! She move up two big spots this week and I am so looking forward to another single so she can get some more recognition. But this week, she is the runner up to the reigning queen!
1. BoA featuring Sean Garrett – I Did It For Love (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

Boa once again holds down the top spot! This is her second number one of 2009 and as of right now she is the second most successful artist of 2009, right behind the dominance of winter/spring by YA-KYIM. This video is starting to hit steam nationwide I hear which is AWESOME!

That is all for this week! See you in seven!

Sorry about being a day late on this one. Had to see Wolverine last night and got back around 12:30am from Denver and was just hella tired. On time next week, I promise!

Chachi Out

Every Time A Door Opens...A Huge Dog Runs Through That Door And Headbutts YOU IN THE BALLS.

Okay, I have had e-fucking-nough. It is time for me to lay down the fucking law to you fuckers. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE STUPID PEOPLE IN THIS FUCKING CITY. Not just this city, the entire country but I have to handle one issue at a time. The idiots, bros, whores and fucktards have ran this city long enough and now they need to be told what is wrong and shot in the fucking balls so they can’t reproduce. I am FINISHED PLAYING. Niggas get slapped for breathing from this day forward.

Law #1: Being Sexually Vindicated Is NOT Being A Whore.

It seems that women have this confused. I used to sit back and think that this was just bitterness from not getting any (which partially it is, I admit) but there is a thin line between vindication and exploitation. Having multiple sexual partners is okay (I figure) if you are doing it for pleasure. But lates face it: anything in access is an addiction. If you do anything you can to quench that addiction, you are a FUCKING WHORE! Whether it is smoking, eating, drugs or fucking random people. So with that being said to have sex for the sheer enjoyment makes you a junkie. They aren’t called “narcotically vindicated” when they smoke crack because they want to. They are called CRACK WHORES! Now lets gear this back to simpler terms: when you pull the emotional aspect out of sex and just do it because “it feels good” or “I am getting what I want” what makes you any better than a person addicted to meth? Nothing because both end up being headcases. Name one whore that doesn’t have daddy issues or mommy issues that resulted in something from their daddy. The answer is none. So congratulations, people. If you fuck for fun you are nothing more than a crack whore: dead inside and sucking dick for Coke. Or in a woman’s case, a rum and coke. BURN!

Law #2: If You Go To A MARTINI BAR, You Drink A MOTHER FUCKING MARTINI!

I don’t know why, but this really pisses me the fuck off. I think it is the indigence that people in the Springs have when they walk into a martini bar (and not even a really GOOD one) and don’t see skanky 22 year olds (or skankier 42 year olds) shaking it to some Akon song. Let me explain something to you brain-dead, Jack Johnson loving, keg standing retards: there are places where you don’t fucking belong. If you can’t handle vermouth in your vodka or some brandy then a martini bar isn’t for you. Get….the fuck….OUT. Don’t complain, you knew what it was because MARTINI IS IN THE FUCKING NAME! Oh, and don’t order a fucking beer. That is what bars are for: rednecks and skanks. Be merry and get your piss flavored Coors at the Dublin House or something. Then bro out later on, I don’t care but don’t come into a place in a huff and fuck up my good time because you can’t hold a martini glass when you are drunk off Bud Light and the Captain. I hope you die of alcohol poisoning you inbred fuck.

Law #3: Cover It Up!

Now this is one that really….really needs to stop. Like last year. Women something needs to be explained to you. Your body is a temple. If it is as BIG as a fucking temple….I don’t want to see it. Now as a big dude this hurts me to say because I try to stick up for my big-boned people. I cannot stand up for you if you have your gut hanging out of your jeans like a kid that shoved too much ice cream on a fucking ice cream cone. I understand that every woman believes they are beautiful in their own way. Now I am sure you are beautiful on the inside (I know, I’ve been inside. Their houses so I can go through their belongings and find out where they work) but that does not give you a reason to wear shit you shouldn’t. As a big man, I try to dress as well as I can within budgetary reasons and I for the most part keep my ample body covered THE FUCK UP JUST FINE! Why can’t women cover up the same when they know damn well people don’t need to see all that? Now I know everyone one loves curves, but if you are round you need to lock it down. Some women out tonight looked like Charles Barkley in fucking skirts and heels! Which brings me to my next point: just because you are hot doesn’t mean you don’t have to abide by those rules. Now I have forever lived by the statement that “when you are hot, anything goes” but the hot took way too much advantage of that so like niggas and guns this shit has to be curbed right now. Now, let’s use some logic here.

· When niggas get spinning rims, they want people to look at their wheels.
· When rednecks get huge ass tires, they want you to look at the height of their truck
· When Mexicans get hydros, they want you to watch their car bounce
· When women wear tight clothes, they want people to look at what they have on and aren’t covering

IT IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. Even if it ISNT what you want, it is what is going to happen because dressing like you are trying out for the new She-Ra movie isn’t the damn norm. When things aren’t the norm that gather attention. If you don’t want attention, don’t dress like that. I see nowhere in the constitution about “Freedom To Dress Like A Stripper But Not Be Considered One” as one of the uninaliable rights we have. There is no reason to dress like that because if it aint for attention is sure as hell aint for comfort because all you do is bitch about how your feet hurt and your skirt rides up. Guess what? You are doing it for attention so quit lying and quit bitching. You can’t choose the attention you get so you can either fight social norms (Good luck with that shit. I have been fighting the Black thing for years) or put on some fucking clothes. It’s winter time and flu season so you do the math, bitch. Shut the FUCK UP or accept the stares.

Law #4: White People Are Fucktards, Black People Are Dipshits. Deal With It.

Now I am against Jim Crow and all of that bullshit. But the time comes when you just have to accept that people are just…different. Jews and Muslims don’t go to the same clubs and dance the Achy Breaky. So why are Blacks and Whites forced to go to the same club?! Separate but equal! Maybe it’s because niggas can’t calm down for two fucking seconds to not shoot up EVERY CLUB that plays hip hop because someone disagreed with your stance on the geopolitical situation in Darfur. I’m kidding; niggas don’t read the newspaper. Yet, clubs downtown do their best to make sure that Blacks don’t come into their clubs. From changing the dress code to changing the music to shitty techno (WHO THE FUCK LISTENS TO THAT SHIT?! It works at raves because we were too fucking high to care!), clubs take small measures to keep out the unsavory sector. Yet, that is the complete OPPOSITE of what they should be doing! There is one thing that niggas have that white people don’t it is disposable income. You’ve seen the videos, they make it rain on hoes!Why? Because niggas don’t pay bills. This of it like this: Clubs always have “Ladies Night” which means that women drink and get in free. Men not only have to pay but usually pay more than the usual night. That is a bad move because if there is one thing niggas love to do, it is buy dranks. Bitches love that shit, just like smileys. Losing money right there.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the dress code. The whole big ass t-shirt and Timbs look went out in 1993 but I guess that shit is back like cooked crack because that’s all Black dudes wear. At the same time, how come bros can dress like they just woke the fuck up? I mean if I had to gauge the two, at least niggas put work into looking like fashion misfits. BROS DON’T EVEN FUCKING TRY. Yet they are considered fashionable. I guess that makes sense from a country that made Fergie a two time Grammy Award winner. That alone disgusts me because that bitch has two Grammys which is more than Run-DMC if I am not mistaken. The simple fact is that all people suck and to eliminate the stupid would require a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of bullets.

Well, I am just about fed up with this shit. Eh, guess it is what it is until you just wish Flanders was dead. Yet I am they crazy one because I don’t think insanity (in terms of logic, not crazy but if the show fits) should be the norm. The Tick says it best:

"And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit."

Sad. The most logical thing ever said was coined by an animated, invincible blue superhero named after a bug with eight legs when he obviously had two. Oh, and he may have been functionally retarded. That would make him good enough to President here. I am so going to fucking bed now; ye all abandon hope as the ship head toward a briny deep. Shit, I wonder how many people will even understand the nautical/pirate reference. Morons. (Yes, this is a repeat from March of last year...but the feeling is still the same. Countdown tomorrow and if I am feeling better I will definitly post on Sunday)

Diddy Out.

Perfection DOESN'T EXIST...Unless You Are Prince.

Okay, I am feeling like shit right now and was going to start on a Omnibus but spend the majority of the day sleeping. So this is the perfection blog I have been promising for about a month. It is one of my favorites but not my best. I do have to say it was thought provoking. And to the person I wrote this blog about: I still think you are kind of a nutcase. Yeah, I don't back down...even with a fever. Whoa, I just coughed up something the size of a kiwi fruit...

I'm back, bitches! Let me start off with a little bit of prose....

This is a cry for mercy, I promise
My success would be the death of you
Low and behold,
You sold ya soul, there’s nothing left of you
Look in the mirror, ask yourself “who are you?”
If you don’t know who you are, how could ya dreams come true?

Okay, I am back on the scene and for you sharp eyed thugs out there you know that is from “The Realest Killaz” by 2Pac and....ugh....50 Cent. However, I will tell you with a straight face that his verse in this song is the only work he has ever done that I liked. The reason is simple: if you are not comfortable with yourself, you can never truly be happy. It is that fucking simple.

Now as many of you know I am batshit crazy. You know what? I don’t give a fuck how any of you feel about it. You think I am a dick? Eat one, motherfucker. You think I am conceited and pretentious? You damn right I am and I have earned that right because I always embrace a chance to learn so I have garnered a lot of knowledge and life experience. Don’t get on my shit because your dumb ass doesn’t know who Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are. You think I am a nerd and you see that as being anti-social? Fuck you, prick. Just because I don’t spend my day banging skanks and drinking brews with the bros but actually think of ways to get my shit right doesn’t make me a nerd. It makes you a fuckwit and I hope you fucking die before you can procreate. Although, usually the stupid fuck like imprisoned rabbits during conjugal visits and make more children which means we have a shitload of rednecks and niggas (See: Idiocracy) and of course an assload of AIDS ridden Africans. Yes, I went there. If you aint ready for what I just said then stop reading now because this shit is going to get hardcore because I am through fucking around with people. I need a concealed weapons permit but I know I would become the Punisher or some shit because you gots to go.

With all that is good about me, I have accepted my faults. I know I am a fattie and I try to work on it. At the same time....I loves me some chicken. It is delicious and you know it. I should do better but I don’t and I recognize that shit. I chalk it up as a loss, charge it to the game and work on that shit when I can. I know I can be PERCIEVED as an asshole but one person’s “asshole” is another person’s “funniest nigga alive.” You think everyone thought Richard Pryor, George Carlin or Redd Foxx was funny? Hell no, they were band and called offensive and ruiners of the American youth. Yet, they didnt care. They did what they thought was funny and if you actually listened you learned some shit, too. Except for Redd Foxx....that nigga was just messed up in the head. He was funny as shit, though! Some of you have said I have problems with women which is false. I have problems with the women I KNOW AND HAVE DEALT WITH but I don’t lump them all as one group like some women do men (Or each other which is PRICELESS) as an attempt to create some skewed understanding of why your life is fucked up. Quit being a fucking tard and realize that people are different and even the most normal person will act different under varying stimuli. If he acts a little crazy because you don’t shut the fuck up and he acts a little crazy when you DO shut the fuck up then that nigga is really crazy and you need to go. Don’t collect $200 (Or child support which is SO SPECIAL because kids have no concept of that shit but hey, it aint my gig to judge) just leave and figure out what about you makes you drive people away or bring the dickwads. Oh, and same for men. I am living proof. I had my mom call me out on the fact I attract stupid bitches and crazy women because I will actually listen to them when I should be kicking them in the chest and running away (Her words, not mine. I tell you I would vote for her as President. Except for the fact she would have the “Shoot My Son On Sight” law) and I took myself to task and asked myself what makes this happen? If you don’t do that then you should shut the fuck up because if you don’t know you own problems you can’t judge anyone else. Nor should you, but I will touch on that later.

Now if you address the problem and you can’t fix it, there is nothing wrong with that. Contrary to what shrinks and dickweed talk show hosts want you to believe, there is nothing wrong with a little bit of dysfunctionality. It gives you character and actually gives you a little better outlook on shit. I listen to Griff and Zach about women because they have dealt with some crazy bitches, just like me. I aint going to take advice on women from a nigga that got married out of college because he knocked his girlfriend up and has been miserable ever since on some subjects. He may be able to give me sound advice on some things but not everything! You see, being dysfunctional is only bad if it is all you know and will accept. If you are used to having your ass kicked by a man (Or a woman...long story. I was scared!) that is actually okay. As long as you KNOW it is dysfunctional and make an attempt to stay away from that dynamic. Now if you are CONSTANTLY with a different man that is kicking your ass on the daily (Or hourly which is a championship beater and I tip my hat) then you really need to not fucking date LET ALONE MARRY. A man only kicks your ass because you let him get away with it. Seriously, a man knows that LOOKING AT A WOMAN THE WRONG WAY CAN LEAD TO JAIL TIME. Or ending up like Emmitt Till but that may have been too far....naaaaaah. I keeps it real, real offensive. So if a man hits you the first time and you do nothing, there is a problem with you and a bigger problem with him but at that point it’s like not calling a borderline hard foul in the NBA as a flagrant foul. You can’t let three or four hard checks in the lane go and then all of a sudden call a flagrant on a breakaway over the back foul. I mean you CAN but the repercussions are a lot greater (Public scrutiny, suspension, being dissed by Shaq in a battle “rap”) than if you had called everything how it was. If you can’t understand that analogy then you deserve to get hit. Now some will say that “No woman ever deserves to get hit” and I disagree but you should just NEVER DO IT. Everyone deserves to get a foot broken off in their ass; you should just never do it to a woman. I need to put that on a t-shirt.

So I am sure that you are wondering what the hell this post is even about. Well, I am too because I just started typing after a few drinks and my six minutes of drunkenness has worn off because I and a fattie. However, I want to touch back on the initial quote from that 2Pac song I have at the top:

If you don’t know who you are, how could ya dreams come true?

Simple line and a rather deep quote. Almost doesn’t belong in Fiddy’s vernacular but here we are. Now if you don’t know what makes you “you” then how can you except to be with anyone else and be happy? I know who I am, and that is how I KNOW that I can never be with anyone else and be happy....unless it’s Mandy Moore. Oh, Mandy. Restraining orders can’t keep me from you! Well, they CAN but you get the idea. The simple fact is no one gives a fuck about you. Hell, no one gives a fuck about anyone. Oh, it’s nice to pretend we care about what is going on in Darfur or that we know where it is (It’s just south of Detroit, right?) but at the end of the day the majority people are selfish. Much like I said about being shallow, there is nothing wrong with being selfish. It can alienate you and keep you from helping or meeting people but at the end, some of the greatest advances in people were created in selfishness:

• The Cotton Gin: Lazy Negros didn’t want to spend all day in the field. That was fine, more time to beat them! Can’t beat them while they work, it lowers productivity. I’m...so never going to get married after this.
• Slam Dunk Competition: You think any of us would give a fuck about a Dee Brown, Spud Webb or Dominique Wilkins? Fuck no. None of us do NOW, but for like 8 minutes, they were glorious dunking darkies. Hey, they should change the name of the Seattle Supersonics to the Oklahoma City Dunking Darkies! Man, I need to stop!
• Breast Implants: The female version of getting a BMW. You think it makes up for all your faults and gives you self esteem but in the end it just makes you look like a moron. But it’s all about you and that is all that matters!
• Masturbation: The ultimate in self-gratification. Initially, they were going to call “self-gratification” masturbation but it felt too good to have such a generic meaning.
• Mormonism: Or as I call it “Christianity: The Quest For More Cash Money” because they are all about that fetti. We all hate on them, but they are getting rich off of God. And isnt that what he is there for? How many of you pray to God for money or help with bills? They said “fuck that shit” and did it their damn selves. Can’t hate on that, but the Wolven wouldn’t have that shit.
• The Keytar: The ultimate in not just selfishness, but in ego-tripping. You know that the keyboard player wanted the cockgobbling groupie love the guitarist got so some lonely fuck created the keytar to capture some of that 80’s hairsprayed Jersey girl tang. I guess it worked.... • Breaking Up The Band: Paul Simon, Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson, Phil Collins, Sting, Beyonce, Busta Rhymes and of course George Michael all said “fuck the band, I want that cash money!” and went solo. We are all better people for it. I guess, I personally only like George Michael and Paul Simon. You can call me Al, too! We are soulmates! Please someone get that reference.....

So selfishness actually helps out everyone. Understand another thing, just because there is nothing WRONG with it doesn’t mean you should BE selfish. Knowing what you want isn’t being selfish just like knowing what you are attracted to isn’t being shallow. However, if you are willing to sabotage yourself and others because you are unhappy, that is being selfish. Well, let me take that back. That is being a FUCKTARD. Dumb shit like that gives selfish people a bad name. If what you WANT is destructive to yourself or others because that in itself is selfish. If you are okay with your actions then like I have always said you have to be you. At the end of the day, you can’t continually be selfish about your actions and expect good things to happen to you. Hitler was pretty fucking selfish and he died of a gunshot wound to the head in a bunker like a punk bitch. Kind of like Light in “Death Note”:

FUCKED UP. I was expecting him to just go apeshit and start writing down everyone he ever knew or something. Anyway, like I was saying. Being selfish is quite alright, as long as you are okay about where you will end up. If you aren’t happy where you end up then stop being selfish. Gawd, what is so difficult about that? For such an advanced and revered society, we sure do have a lot of simple problems that we can’t seem to fucking fix. You think the Sudanese worry about “I wish I could just find a guy and keep him without fucking it up because I am born to undo myself like the pants of Korean whore during shore leave?” No, because they speak in clicks and beeps. Man....I am never going to find a wife at this rate.

Okay, back to what I believe is the whole point of this quasi-rant (Wait, at four pages this is officially a sleep-deprived diatribe). Everything in your life is based around how you feel about yourself. I learned that after high school after trying to fit in and be what I was not (Griff, remember the braids? Man...I was not the fashion icon I am now) that sometimes being yourself means understanding that you are not perfect. But you know what? Perfection is pointless. Seriously, once you achieve perfection all you can do is start over. What makes us human is the fact that we strive to be the best we can be. Which is all God in all his (Or her for you people who think that God could actually be a woman....but it would explain why the Bible makes no sense and bounces around like a freshman girl at a kegger. ZING!) imperfections asks of you. We are a work in progress, people. I quite a dude that has become arguably my second favorite captain in Bleach after this dialog:

“In this secular existence, perfection is an illusion. Regardless of those who utter the contrary. This is the reality.....the common man seeks it out. They aspire to achieve it, as if it were some tangible thing. But...the fact of the matter is, perfection is a hollow shell....it is devoid of any substance. I spit on perfection. Perfection after all, implies that you’ve reached the summit....no trial and error....no ability to conceptualize. An omniscient being would have no need for such superfluous things.

Am I making myself clear?

For those people who dabble in the sciences such as ourselves, perfection would render us obsolete. Many magnificent things have been and will continue to come into existence and yet, everyone last one of them will fall short of perfection’s finish line. Our function as men of science relies on their many shortcomings. Then....and only then can we apply the fruits of our labor. To put it simply... as soon as you began spouting that nonsense about being an immaculate being...your fate was sealed.”

Wordy? Yes but Bleach usually is. And once again, anime serves the real life like “Breakin.” People are selfish, shallow, petty, prejudiced beings and most of this is gathered over time. However, it is how you take yourself to task on your imperfections that makes you who you are. To constantly be a habitual line stepper (I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH! Rest in peace, you Black mother fucker!) about the same shit isn’t striving for perfection, it is accommodating imperfection which is even unhealthier. Ask yourself, “Who are you” and until you can answer that question and are okay with the answer you give you have to work at it. Working at it for YEARS (You know who you are) isn’t progress. That is like saying that OJ is still trying to find the killers of those two White people he killed. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to America. It may be okay for a President, but it aint okay for you. DOUBLE BURN! I AM THE BURN MASTER!

Alright, I am out. I will be back up later this week I hope before the Countdown. I may be blogging a lot more because something tells me this week is the week my distain for a certain thing hits the fan due to douchery. Stay up, ya'll.

Chachi Out.

Get Your Pads On, Because I Am Going On Offense!

What is up, peeps! It is time for an update which I have been promising for like…three weeks or so. What can I say; I am a pretty lazy guy. First things first, I don’t have cancer. It is called hyperbole. No apologies here because if you actually have been to my blogs and seen my site you know…if I had cancer I would be swimming around in some stingrays right now. Damn…that is pretty messed up.

Either way, there are some things that I need to get out there in hopes of a mob being formed to kill said people.

Things That Need To Stop

Number One: Twitter

Okay, first off if you have a Facebook…and a Twitter…and a MySpace…and a Wordpress… you need to be shot in the face with a pellet gun until you understand that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW. I am typing this as I masturbate to Japanese schoolgirl porn. Did you NEED to know about that? DID YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT?! Well you should have because that takes a lot of skill and I believe I need a round of applause due to my talents. I would but I am preoccupied. The digital information age has given us so much and yet people do the exact same shit but faster and stupider. Did anyone hear about the Asher Roth situation? I will touch on dumbasses later but what the fuck, man? As people we usually have a filter that keeps us from saying things to people without thinking them through. I personally don’t believe in that but to each their own. People say that Twitter is a great way to keep in contact with people but you know what I do to keep in contact with people?

I FUCKING TALK TO THEM

Does the world really care about what you ate or where you are at that day? Now I for one use MySpace to communicate with my friends about shit that they would either laugh at or be interested in. I would say that 80% of the friends I have on my page (And about 90% on Facebook because I fucking hate it and update it so rarely that I watch old episodes of M*A*S*H more than I look at the shit) don’t even give a fuck about what I am sending. Memes? Zach and Von. Hatred of Coldplay? Should be everyone but some of you shits love Coldplay and I secretly hate you. You SO know who you are. If you have a Twitter or you “tweet” or whatever you fuckers call it that is fine. Don’t tell me because I don’t care and neither should anyone else. The only person that should have had Twitter was Jesus. That shit would have been funny:

JHChristLuvzMaryMag: These fucking Jews turned me in to the Romans! WTF?!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: OW! OW! OW! OW! STOP THAT! Do you know who I am?! My dad owns the ultimate dealership! Fuck you guys!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: Carrying this fucking crucifix. Would it have hurt them to used some lighter wood? Or even given me a nosh? It is such a long walk and my feet are killing me! Luckily they can’t hurt any more than they do now. Sry about the complaining; it’s the Jew in me LOL!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: Whoa, they are tying me up now. When Mary does this its fucking hawt but she is a paid professional. Hey, they have nails! They much be stabilizing the base because this thing does NOT look sturdy! That’s nice of….OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! THAT’S MY FAPPING HAND!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: This is so lame! Asshole just stabbed me! I am so going to fuck up is my birthday! See what I did there? Aaaaaaaaaand now I'm dead.

If you didn’t laugh at that…you may want to just stop reading now. It is SO gonna get worse. I am on a roll right now. Long story short, Twitter all you want just don’t expect me to act like you are doing something new or I give a shit. It was called RSS and only nerds used it to let other nerds know about nerd stuff. But you fuckers usurped it and now it is pop culture. One word for you all: DIE. Speaking of usurping shit from nerds…

Number Two: The Rise in Casual Gaming

So I ask those of you that care to read the latest VGCats comic. Read it? Good. I have ranted about “casual gaming” a few times and I honestly now look at “casual gamers” the exact same way I look at “casual drinkers.” Which means I think you are a bunch of pussies. My own opinion and if you disagree go somewhere else. Matter of fact, pick up your Guitar Hero controller…and shove it up your ass. Now to you fuckers that consider “Rock Band” and Guitar Hero” expertise makes you a gamer…you are right in theory. Playing a game in an avid manner does make you a “gamer” but you are a gamer in the same sense that Nelly is a “rapper.” Yes, you do it but what you do isn’t necessarily helpful and it doesn’t make you skilled at any OTHER games so you are really just a “Rock Band Playa” which makes you a “FUCKING FAG-FUCK DOUCHEBAG” if you think you are a “real gamer.” Although there is a mod for Electric Six’s “Gay Bar” which raises it a few levels:

Nothing better than a gay bar. You see, I hate people who cling to the old ways of being in your mother’s basement with Chee-tos and Mountain Dew playing Unreal or Counter Strike for hours on end is the only way to be a “true gamer” but I can and will tell you that they bring up a valid point. For the longest time, people looked down on gamers because they felt we were social rejects because we didn’t want to toss around the pigskin or engage in the homosexual gropefest and dry-humping spectacular that is MMA and UFC. Yes, I called it gay and that is cool just call it what it is. It isn’t manly; it’s foreplay. Anyway, I can’t blame the wannabe superstars on their bastardization of gaming because in the end it is DEVELOPERS that make these games because average games (Which is what Guitar Hero and Rock Band are. There is very little that is new and/or skillful about it and you fucking know it. Play a real instrument, jackass) that sell a shitload to the game-playing deficient are more profitable than GREAT GAMES that only real game players buy because they are fucking hard or require the time and attention to actually play it for several hours. Except Ninja Gaiden. That game is just rape on a disc.

Now I am not going to sit here and say that those games don’t have their place. I have partaken in Rock Band once or twice but I do not consider those people that throw a party, get drunk and attempt to play Foo Fighters “Everlong” on Medium or whatever gamers. I don’t, if you don’t agree take your ass somewhere else. The internetz is vast. I don’t want those players lumped in with people that took the time out to find the magic sword in Zelda or defeat all the Weapons in the Final Fantasy series (EAT A DICK, OMEGA WEAPON!) and can recite the Konami code by heart. We are a different breed. We aren’t necessarily better than you but we are NOT you so stay the HELL OUT OF MY GAME STORES YOU HIPSTER, DOUCHEBAG, COLLER POPPING, FRISBEE GOLF PLAYING, DRUNKEN FUCKFACED COCKMONGERS.

Number Three: Hipster Douchebag Fashions

Okay, I know a lot of you are going to be offended by what I am going to say so I am going to put this in terms even the most brain-dead of you can comprehend. THIS IS NOT FUCKING FASHION:

God, the only think keeping Colin Farrell alive is "In Bruges" because he needs to fucking go. Anyway, this scarf is not for some douche or some bitch who thinks it’s a sweet fashion statement. If I wore a shirt that showed a bloody picture of the King of the Jews (Jebus for those of you that didn’t know he went by that) with a line on it stating “I Wasn’t Supposed To Be In Today!” I figure Christians would be offended. I look at it the same way. Now a lot of you don’t like Muslims and that is fine. They don’t like you and I don’t like you either. I make Jew jokes all the time but at the end of the day there is a line. I don’t really CARE about the line but I try not to cross it unless I truly mean to. To wear clothes as fashion that first of aren’t meant to be worn as fashion is dumb. To wear something that is an important symbol to a religion is just asinine. I look at people who wear the keffiyeh like it is a fucking studded belt as idiots because it just isn’t all that cool looking. You really just look like a douche. If you think it is fashion then…well…that’s cool. You look like a god damn tool though. With that being said I also need to let these same douchebags know that CHE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON A FUCKING PEICE OF CLOTHING:

Now on Friday I saw a fucker in a studded belt, tight black pants, a green Che shirt and a keffiyeh and all I could think was “I have to kill this person. If I don’t, he will FUCKING BREED!” Now to each their own when it comes to pretty much everything but man that combination is wrong on so many fucking levels that if you don’t understand why then you need to just go to Canada RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. For what reason is his face on a bikini and baby clothes?! I mean…GOD DAMN IT I HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH. We have to vote for a president out of these fuckers! Either way, this shit needs to stop.

Number 4: Twilight

I’ve never read one of the books, never seen the movie and I don’t even know what the point of it is. All I know is that the vampires twinkle in it. That is the stupidest thing I have ever fucking heard. That’s pretty much it. The shit needs to stop.

Number 5: White People That STILL Feel The Need To Bitch About Not Being Able To Be Racist

You know, I love how we get one Black president and White people think that its catarok and hell week all wrapped up into one in this bitch. America was already going into freefall before he came in. There is no easy fix so shut the fuck up. I didn’t see anyone bitching when shit wasn’t working before. Anyway, I was reading up on Asher Roth because I wanted to buy his album but never got around to it. There was this big uproar about him referring to “nappy headed hoes” on his Twitter and as soon as I heard it all I could say was “Aw hell” because I knew shit was about to hit the fan.

Now in my honest opinion…and some of you will be shocked…but Black people need to shut the fuck up about shit sometimes. Is it really that big of a deal? The phrase is already in our lexicon and vernacular so to be up in arms about it when it is used in context not really dealing with anything is crying wolf. It was a dipshit thing to say on Asher’s part but at the end of the day…maybe he WAS chillin with women of the night that didn’t maintain their hairstyle in a socially acceptable manner. Which equals a nappy headed hoe. You ever thought of THAT?

With that being said it is time for White people to understand something. I reiterate this AT LEAST once a month and you never listen. The simple fact is that at what point should that word even be in your arsenal of used words in a day anyway? I have only heard one person mention nappy heads on TV EVER and that was Martin! The fact that he was even using the word puts him at fault because who even says that? When I hang with my Jewish friends I don’t call them my “Jesus Killing Heebs” or my Mexican friends my “River Crossing Vatos” because that is just fucking dumb. And I am as offensive and indifferent to the feelings of others as anyone…probably moreso. No reason to say it just like there is no real reason to ever say ANY RACIAL OR ETHNIC SLUR. Unless you are talking about the swarthy ass Turks.

But my original point was about White people that STILL BITCH about the fact they can’t say nigger or spic or wop or Aiken. The first question is why? Because Blacks say nigger you should be able to? What kind of logic is that? The argument that it is your word anyway? Well, good luck with that. No one should say it ever but you have the right to say whatever the fuck you want to. Just be prepared that some people are not going to happy with your choice of words. I know people don’t like my choice of words but I stand by them. It is why I watch what the fuck I say! Even if I DO say something that will offend people I have accepted that I will be taken to task for it by someone that feels I am out of line and am prepared to deal with the consequences. White people are like women in that way that they want all the power to say what they want with none of the responsibility of being offensive and hurting others. Congratulations, you are no better than the niggers you hate so much because that is what they do. Yeah, I said it. In the end, quit your bitching and say it if you want to. Just be ready to have the foot broken off in your ass for saying something you didn’t need to say in the first god damn place.

I am out. It is late as hell and I am sick as shit. May not be back up for a few days, so there will definitely be some repeats. I will TRY (READ, PEOPLE! TRY!) to put up an Omnibus for Monday. I am tired so I may just sleep for tomorrow and rest up seeing as how I have to be up at 5am everyfuckingmorning to drive across the state. Oh, and NO I don't have cancer. It was a joke, of you never saw the episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Frylock got cancer then it doesnt make sense. And with that I say good night.

Chachi Out

WOLVERINE IN THEATERS NEXT FRIDAY! Sorry, Premature Nerdgasam...

It is another Friday so you know what that means! It’s time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We have TWO HUGE DEBUTS this week and we begin with a duo that picked up “Video of the Year” honors last year!

20. Kanye West featuring Young Jeezy – Amazing (New Entry)

We begin with the first of our two HUGE DEBUT VIDEOS! Kanye West has returned to the video world and Young Jeezy returns the favor for Kanye’s excellent verse in “Put On.” This video is well…epic. Seeing this on IMAX would probably blow my damn mind.
19. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #15)
The World looks to be spending its last week on the Countdown as they once again failed to take the top spot with their latest. Will they break the streak with their next one?
18. YUI – Again (New Entry)

MY BABY BOO IS BACK! After a pretty long hiatus (Longer than usual, anyway) YUI has returned to me! Even better it is from the new FMA: Brotherhood series which looks awesome. She stopped doing the squinty eyes thing too…which makes her hella hot.
17. Charles Hamilton - Loser (Last Week #18)
Mr. Hamilton moves up a spot this week but seems to have some slowing momentum going on. Either way, anyone pick up the Asher Roth yet?
16. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #13, Two Weeks at #1)
BACK-ON falls another three spots this week as I am now kind of itching for a new single from these guys. Get on it!
15. Young Money feat Lil Wayne – Every Girl (Last Week #19)
Young Money and Weezy move up a big four spots this week and look to be gaining some momentum. Here is looking for a clean version of the single. And you all know why…
14. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo – Knocks You Down (Last Week #16)

Slowly but surely, Keri Hilson is moving up! She moves up two spots this week but it is all about baby steps.
13. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)
John Legend falls from the Top Ten this week and looks to have quieted down since being everywhere after Obama got elected. Part of me is happy; I saw the man in a Jack In The Box commercial I think.
12. Namie Amuro - WILD (Last Week #11)
Miss Namie falls a spot this week after coming so close to returning to the Top 10. She hasn’t been there since “Baby Don’t Cry” which was like…March of 2006? Man, that has been a while.
11. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #8)
Tip and Tim fall from the Top 10 this week as well. TI has had a good average of getting videos at number one but this one just fell short. Seems like when you put these two together…they are no John Legend and Andre 3000. I am just saying.
10. Pitbull – I Know You Want Me [Calle Ocho] (Last Week #12)

Mr. 305 is in the Top 10! It is his first time out and he is showing everyone else how you do it! Oh, and the woman in the Brazil shirt is still hot. Had to check…and make sure…she was still there. Now I need a minute.
9. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)[Plunge of the Week]
After holding the Countdown hostage for three weeks, Miss Ito falls a huge four spots this week! Dare I say it…we may have something new from Yuna soon! God damn it 2009 is the best year ever!
8. Dev Parade – Bachokkoi!! (Last Week #9)
Dev Parade moves up one spot this week after moving up at a rapid pace the last two weeks. With new Naruto openings and ending themes could it be over for them already?
7. Wonder Girls – NOW (Last Week #14, Biggest Mover)

So to all you people calling Yoobin “chunky” and “fat” all I have to say is YOU GO TO HELL! Yoobin looks DAMN GOOD (I would so love to take her to dinner and a movie) and you need to shut the hell up. To prove it, they move up a huge SEVEN SPOTS this week! Take THAT haters.
6. Jesse McCartney featuring Ludacris – How Do You Sleep (Last Week #7)
J-Mac moves up another spot this week and is looking to have his second Top Five video in two months! Pretty good run for him and supposedly the track “Body Language” has a remix with T-Pain which…I am not sure about.
5. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (Last Week #3)
After moving all the way up to number three last week, Lil Wayne falls two spots this week but stays in the Top Five. With another video on the Countdown and supposedly a second single from his delayed rock album coming soon, he should be fine.
4. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me (Last Week #6)
Just outside of the Top Five this week is Hikaru Utada! She is up two spots this week and has slowly crept up the Countdown in a stealth-like fashion. Pretty low key for her first time out. We are down to three!
3. Abingdon Boys School – STRENGTH (Last Week #2)

ABS has been thwarted again! They peaked at number two last week but fall a spot this week and fall short from the top yet again. Luckily, they are back an hopefully will be rocking our faces again soon.
2. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)

After a week on top, Shion falls to the runner up spot! It was a long journey and she finally made it but she wasn’t able to stay long. Also, SCANDAL’S NEW “BLEACH” OPENING KICKS THE ASS! But until that video comes, we have a new number one video!
1. BoA featuring Sean Garrett – I Did It For Love (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)

BoA is back on top! This gives her two number one videos in 2009, tying her with YA-KYIM! This is arguably my favorite song on her album and it has been my favorite song for a few weeks now. Now the video is number one! Let the year of BoA continue!

That is all for this week! Come back next Friday to see if BoA can hold on for a second week! Or will Shion Tsuji take back her throne? Or will Abingdon Boys School show their strength and leapfrog back into dominance? See you in seven to find out!

Slow weekend as I am going to hopefully pick up the BoA CD at Borders and may go downtown if anyone is interested. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

S2 - Shallowment Day. They All Can't Be Fucking Gems, Fucky.

Okay, this is part two of the "Shallow Rant" which was actually more of a revisiting after a conversation with a specific person who may know who they are and if you do...I STILL don't know what to tell you. I just don't think getting tattoos make you attractive. Anyone that thinks that must like bumper stickers and flair and should be beaten. Sorry, just my opinion and it's the only one that FUCKING MATTERS ON THIS BLOG SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, EAT A DICK. That is all.

So read on as this is from May of 2008. Yes, it took me over a damn year to revisit something I said in 2007 I was going to go over the next week. Back then I had a lot more energy to rant because I was making a lot more money with a lot less driving. Also, this was I think the last installment of "Learning With Master Chief Captain Chachi" which I am going to bring back at some point. I promise! So, enjoy and be back Friday.

So I really wanted to touch on a topic that I covered a while back because it seemed to need repeating. So as I have gotten older and the clientele of female I know and associate with has done the same (In age, not necessarily in INTELLEGENCE but definitely age. Doing the same shit you were doing when you were twenty and bitching about it as a learning experience isn’t learning….it’s asshatery) I have realized that the act of being shallow hits new lows. Now what bugs me about this isn’t the act of being shallow it is the denial and utter and complete lies that go along with the act. Now I will be the first to admit that I am no Terrance Bi Efron-Howard so some would say I have right to ever be selective in who I decide to (or not to) date/associate with. Let’s look at this with a little bit of logic. I know that is hard if nigh impossible for some of you fucktards but bear with me. Your dumb ass might learn something. So it is time to revisit a few things from my past rants with…

Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!

Today’s Topic: Seriously, What Is Wrong With Being Shallow?

Now first things first: I Poppa freaks all the honeys. GRIFF BOY TELL’EM! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Anyway, please understand one thing here: there is a difference (Albeit slight) of being shallow and selective. Being selective means that even though something isn’t your thing you give it a try once. If it doesn’t work out and you would rather not go after than trait again then by all means that shows at least SOME semblance of growth. If you are with a dude that kicks your ass or with a woman that decides that maybe she still wants to be with her ex and you decide “You know, maybe a man that hits me with a brainbuster isn’t for me?” or “Maybe when a woman wants to split time between two dudes that isn’t in my best interest” I don’t think it is shallow to not want to date that kind of person again. That is just being smart. Now I honestly believe that is in RARE cases because at the end of the day, if you end up dating that kind of person more than once you are a dipshit, glutton for punishment or both. Even better, MARRYING that kind of person in which I have to say you are the ultimate in fucktard. Hey, I am in that boat too but I know I was a ticket buyer for the Good Ship Stupidass and I don’t use it as an excuse to still make bad decisions about who I chose. Or who chooses me….I KEEPS IT INTERESTING ON THE PASSION OF CHACHI, BABY!

So if knowing what you don’t want is selective, what makes “shallow?” That is a very good question and all I can say is this: one person’s shallow is another person’s selective. Nothing wrong with having a “no fatties” clause in your dating style if that aint your thing. I personally think unless you were beaten up by a gang of fatties when you were younger (In which all I have to say is you should have just dropped the sandwich and lived another day) then you are being a punk but hey; I feel the same way about Black women so I feel your decision. I have said it before and I will say it again: nothing wrong with being shallow.

However, when you are shallow there are a few rules that you have to follow lest I break your skull open for being a dipshit. And here are those rules:

Rule #1: You Cannot Justify Being Shallow With Past Experiences.

Now I said before that there are times when you date someone and you realize that that person wasn’t right for you and then put all of those people in a box. I reiterate; that is completely fine. The odds of someone saying “Just because he beats you like your last husband/boyfriend doesn’t make him a bad guy!” or “Just because she is cheating on you like your last girlfriend doesn’t make her a whore like she was!” are slim. If you have a friend that is saying that you need to shoot them in the fucking face because they are not worth the air they are stealing from people that deserve it. However, not wanting to date brunettes because “Jill was a brunette” or not wanting to date someone with glasses because “Eric wore glasses” is just stupid. Like I said, to each their own but if you are alone or with a dipshit because you don’t want to date a girl with short hair then it is your own fault. You can’t say shit about there are no good people because your qualifiers for weeding out the opposite sex are fucking stupid.

Rule #2: Accept That Being Shallow Makes You A Worthless Shit.

Listen to me and listen well: being shallow is just like being racist or sexist but worse. At least racism and sexism are grounded in some sort of deep rooted false belief that can be traced back to eras if not generations when people were stupid and simply didn’t know that women or coloreds were people. Women is still debatable but a Black man invented peanut butter AND the stop light. Bitches ain’t made shit. Damn, I am hilarious. The fact is that when you are shallow you are judging someone from what you see externally which makes you no better than Hitler. You telling me that Hitler was like

“The Jews are not people and must be exterminated! Except that one guy, Ishmael. He loves the ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’ just like me! Boy can he Jitterbug! Great guy he is…but the rest of those heebs must DIE!”

No, Hitler hated all people and felt that his was the master race. And yet, he was ugly as fuck and a Austrian raised in a household of Jews to boot. Which means one thing: not only was he a cock-sucking worthless shit with bad hair (SO not faboo!) that ruined that kick ass mustache for everyone….he was a hypocrite. Just like all shallow people. Being shallow is fine and dandy but just accept yourself for what you are: a worthless, bitch-made coward that deserves to be die alone. But as long as you are good with it, run with that shit like Barry Sanders.

Rule #3: You CANNOT Complain About Being Lonely.

There are two things I never complain about:

1. Not having sex.
2. Being a fattie.

You know why? Because they are of my own doing. I could exercise more but I don’t. I try but man….that shit is hard. Probably should start my own big man dance crew or something. I get funky fresh moves AND get in shape. Usher and Bi watch out! As for the sex thing….that is also of my own doing. In my defense it is usually in defense because I don’t want an STD (Like herpes) or I am just not interested in the person. Not for reasons of being shallow, but for reasons of that woman being crazy, needy or too old. Or sometimes all fucking three. At the end of the day, I take responsibility for that because I could just run around all crazy and lose weight or just take the sex from the ladies that offer it. I don’t and I accept my fate. So with that being said, one cannot complain about being lonely or screwed over because you end up with (Either consciously or unconsciously) the same type of asshats over and over again. Only finding a certain type of person attractive or approachable is fine and well within you to do. That is your choice and dammit we should respect it. However, it is YOUR choice and you are not able to bitch about YOUR bad choices and where they lead you. Now you can use it to reflect or for humor purposes but if your sole argument is that “the opposite sex aint shit” then as Katt Williams said the problem is with you and your clientele. If you opened up your horizons you may not be so unhappy. I did and look at me. I got fucked over…*sigh* again. BUT I change my horizons and that is all that matters. That and I am a different case. Anyone will tell you, my life is just fucking weird when it comes to that. It’s like I attract the crazy, the needy and the masses. I am the Ellis Island for females. Either way, if you are shallow and lonely quit your bitching. You KNOW who you are.

Rule #4: Turnabout Is Fair Play If You Are Shallow. Deal With It.

One thing about being shallow is that you usually attract shallow fucking people. Two shallow people together are like two crackheads: they can only really love each other because normal people will either not put up with that shit or will get screwed over by them and become shallow as well. When you date or marry a crackhead you usually become one OR they treated you so poorly that you can’t find happiness after that person because you have yet to figure out how you could stay with someone so stupid for so long when the answer is that they made you stupid as well and my GOD I SO FUCKING RULE! I just created science right there! I am the Bill Nye of relationships:

When you are shallow your choice of opposite sex is narrowed down to a small few. Usually, they have whittled down THEIR choices to a small few and odds are it isn’t you. So if you are shallow and you play in a small pool and you get turned down you CANNOT BITCH ABOUT IT. It is your own fucking fault for narrowing yourself to a small section of society which kind of creates a little something that West Virginia and Kentucky know all about: inbreeding. When you are show you usually attract shallow people who odds are don’t find you to be what THEY are looking for so you end up being all pissy about your experiences when in the end it is YOUR fault because you look for a section of people that odds are have the brain capacity of a fucking gerbil and half the personality. You ever noticed how most shallow people have the depth of a pomegranate? Remember the "My New Haircut" guy? Yep….that about wraps 75% of men in a nutshell. Oh, and then niggas and thugs so just replace Jagerbombs with Incredible Hulks or Cognac. Niggas, bros and guidos: the unholy trifecta of douchery and fuckery.

At the end of the day, aint nothing wrong with being choosy but you have to accept the choice you made or are making. I get rather annoyed about people “finding themselves” or saying that all women or men are “worthless.” Now I know that there are two or three (Not sure how many readers I officially have as my traffic ranges from two people a day to over 120 some days) of you that will say that all I do is say women are worthless which on the surface is true. But I also state that it isn’t about the sex as a whole, it is about the individuals. Not all women are bad just the same as not all of them are good people. There are shallow, self-absorbed user bitches just like there are women that are intelligent, funny and great conversationalists. Now there are only six…maybe seven of those tops in the United States but they are THERE, DAMMIT! That is all that matters: they exist. If you are shallow, you will never find them because you will be stuck with fucktards and skanks. And Jagerbombs. Good luck with that.

Well, I am off to bed. Be back Friday and send any questions you want answered for the Omnibus. If I get enough demand, I will do it. The power is yours!

Chachi Out

Shallow Waters Bear No Fish. What The Hell Does That Mean?!

First off, WINDOWS 7 FUCKING SUCKS DICK. Seriously, using Blogger on this thing is fucking impossible. Don't even get me started on sending an email through Gmail. Damn near impossible. So I am re-posting a blog from March of 2007 about being shallow. The "Perfection Rant" re-do is coming, I just haven't had the energy to do so. Being on the road FOUR FUCKING HOURS A DAY will do that to a person. I can't wait until I move to Seattle.

Either way, enjoy part one of my addressing of being shallow. You may be shocked about what you hear...

So today I want to try something new. I rant every now and then (a lot less than before but still) but one thing I rarely do is give commentary. I leave that to others, mainly because my commentary turns into an angry diatribe (kind of redundant, eh?) anyway. However, sometimes there are things that I just want to take a second and say a little something on. So today, I have the first installment of…

How Chachi Feels About: Being Shallow

Now as many of you know, I’m a nerd. Total dweeb. One thing that I do as a nerd is look at Ctrl+Alt+Del every morning before I get going at work. It is good stuff, almost has replaced Penny Arcade as my favorite (No one can top the Merch Christmas). As a storyline driven web comic, I have liked a lot of the arcs like the Mac Panthers arc. He has a current arc where Lucas decides to get back on the dating scene and joins a Match.com like dating site. Zeke (an X-Box robot) sets him up on a date behind his back with a heavier woman. The arc basically shows how Lucas is not attracted to her but still goes out with her. Come to find out she ISN’T overweight, just wearing a fat suit and she is actually skinny. He has a good time and the end.

Tim Buckley (not like I know him so I won’t act like I do) gave an explanation this morning about why he portrayed Lucas the way he did after some e-mails from upset people. This made me think. What is wrong with being shallow anyway?

Okay, as a fat, black jerk I can honestly say that I have no reason to be shallow. Hell, I already have three strikes against me and two strikes in the second inning (being sexually ambiguous and nerd count against me, too). Yet, I think being ‘shallow’ is confused with having certain standards, right or wrong. Case in point: I don’t like skinny women. Hell, I don’t like skinny people in general. Call it jealousy, call it a preference but if I had my choice I would not date a skinny woman no matter what my size because I don’t find that initially attractive. Does that make me shallow? In terms of the way the word is used now, yes it does. Does that mean I won’t talk to that person if I like her personality? Hell no. Will that curb my physical attraction to her? Hells no because if you love someone solely based on how they look, good luck with that.

On the flip side, I also understand that I am not the ideal for most women. I’ve been told by women that they don’t find fat guys attractive. Can’t blame them for that at all. Who would I be to judge them when I do the exact same thing (albeit reversed)? It may hurt, it may suck and it may mean they miss out on the 100% Grade-A Mancake but it is their fucking choice. I have been told by one girl in particular (Who was Mormon. Bad move on MY PART) that she liked me but didn’t date black men. I was surprisingly okay with that. You know why? Because I don’t date black women, or they don’t date me spin that how you want. That was her choice and although I didn’t like it I (sadly) respected it. Even weirder was when we DID date and I met her dad when I picked her up and all he could do was stare and sloooooowly close the door in confusion. Is that shallow? No, that is a choice. I know this all too well because for a long time I wasn’t en vogue not because of my weight but because I was TOO DARK when light-skins were hot (Fuck Christopher Williams). Griff can tell you, that shit HURTS. Was it fair? No, and I will stick by that to this day because I am a SEXY SHADE OF MOCHA! I accepted it as a choice they made and to each their own.

So quite simply is being ‘shallow’ a bad thing? Well, yes and no. Just like anything there are pros and cons to being choosy. If the military took anyone and everyone that enlisted because they were desperate the drunk, ugly sorority girl at a frat party we would be….you know that joke is too easy. If you aren’t attracted to women with tattoos (Especially at the small of the back. REAL ORIGINAL) because you think that shows a personality of being weak and easily influenced then that is your choice. If you think that a guy that watches cartoons isn’t your type because it means they never grew up and shows immaturity, it is quite alright. The simple fact is that we are by nature ‘shallow’. Looks matter and that is the bottom line.

However, with people being like snowflakes being ‘shallow’ really limits you. If everyone looked alike and had the same ideal of beauty, it would be…well creepy. I don’t like all of the same traits Rick likes in a woman (we’ve been over this) but several overlap. I am not a fan big boobs (especially fake ones. CREEPY), for the most part he digs ‘em like Sugar Smacks. He isn’t about the illegal shift in the backfield but I am all about that 5-yard penalty. Yet, we both aren’t fans of tattoos or smokers. That still gives a wide spectrum of women out there that we find attractive. That being said, once you get past that, there is a very important factor that outweighs that: personality.

Now that is when being shallow can truly fuck you over. I for one am the exception to this rule because if you don’t like the cover of this book you sure as HELL aint going to like the story. If I hear another person say ‘he was cute but he was such a jerk!’ or ‘she was hot but man she was a bitch’ I will rip your lower mandible out and use it as a fucking cup holder. This is when I use the word shallow. Not to describe a person, but their PERSONALITY. A shallow personality is one that is devoid of any depth or originality. A pretty woman that has no sense of humor is not sexy. She may be a physical specimen but for the most part, you can’t have sex all day. At some point you have to talk about SOMETHING and when you do, if she or he is shallow it is going to SUCK. Since the majority (okay, all) of my time is spent NOT having sex the ability to relate and have fun with someone is key. Having a great personality actually should (and for me does) make up for not fitting into my ‘ideal’. Is it the same for everyone? No, some people have a box and if you don’t fit in that box then it is on to the next girl/guy. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind; people don’t like to be in boxes. They keep on escaping, and then you have to use the cattle prod…let’s just say it’s not worth it.

So back to the original point: how does the Chachi feel about being shallow? It is a part of being human. Everyone has their preferences and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind, it is an INDIVIDUAL preference. With the rise of Maxim, Cosmo, Spike TV and Sex in the City (dumbest fucking show EVER) people are really falling into this ‘ideal beauty’ that is portrayed and if that is your thing then do it to it. No matter how ‘unbiased’ you are, you have preset ideas of what is attractive to you. So don’t get pissy when someone else’s are different from yours or aren’t you. If someone doesn’t find a trait about you attractive, odds are you weren’t right for that person anyway. If you were, then they just missed out on the greatest thing to happen since all-natural applesauce. At least that’s the lie I tell myself to get to sleep without crying. Just kidding, everyone is beautiful. Nothing wrong with being ‘shallow’ but you could be missing out.

Well, I am out for now. Not sure how I about periodically reposting old blogs because I have just been to pissed off to do much updating. Sorry, peeps I will do something this Sunday. Maybe an Omnibus if I get a few questions to answer. I have been sitting on some for a while and may get to them then. Until then, I think I will post my sequel to the "Shallow Rant" that I put up in May of 2008 which I always thought was bloodly hilarious. I will let you be the judge.

I will definitly be back for the Countdown on Friday. Until, stay up ya'll.

Chachi Out