Sex: Without It, The Internet and Night Club Industry Would Have Died Out YEARS AGO.

What is up, peeps?! It is another lazy Sunday and it looks like I will have a full work week (LE FUCK!) so updates may be a little on the light side. However, I thought it would be best to post a little something to give the peeps to read and ponder. So, this question was posed to me last week by a friend of mine and when she asked me I knew it was one of those questions that I knew there was not only no right answer to but that no matter what, I was going to look bad no matter what I said. Long story short I said that another friend of mine seemed to think that 30 was a low number for sexual partners and that she was fucking stupid to say any number is “low” or “high” because whoredom isn’t based on HOW MANY you fuck but WHOM and WHY. Which opened up this can of worms:

Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!

Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?

You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated

“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”

Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy boyfriend she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.

Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:

Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It

There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.

Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.

No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.

Now, let’s tie this altogether. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating, they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the most simple shit.

Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them.

Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little think we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:

1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.

So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:

Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You

Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?

Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.
(EQUALS)

Your Total!

Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have…

Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)

If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!

Lastly, the answer is up to you. Much like the power, it is yours!

Hells yeah!

Well, I am out for now. I will try to answer another question of the day on Tuesday or Wednesday. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

A KING IS NEVER LATE!! But I Am No King...So I Am Late.

I ain’t dead, motherfuckers! I am back after a night of soju and randomness to bring you what you came here…yesterday….for. It’s time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

Let me begin with the videos no longer on the Countdown with Falling Out:

Yuna Ito – Miss You (Peaked at #7)
UVERworld – Koishikute (Peaked at #2)

We say goodbye to Miss Yuna and The World this week but Yuna will be back and The World is moving on up! Now let’s get started with a video that is a guilty pleasure of mine!

20. David Cook – Light On (New Entry)

Okay, I will admit I haven’t watched an American Idol since Blake Lewis was ROBBED by Jordin Sparks (LOL, I am so funny!) a few years ago. But I will admit that David Cook has a Daughtry meets Scott Stapp minus the lame feel to him. I really like this song and the video gives nerds a place in the sun for the first time since “The Tri-Lamb Rap.” And Omega Mooooo!
19. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #16)
Looks like Hyori is spending her last days on the Countdown after a great fall season. I hope she has a new video soon, though.
18. Nana Mizuki – TRICKSTER (New Entry)

Okay, this is officially my new favorite song. I swear this song and video totally rock your face! Although I like the groovy song from Rosario Vampire Season Two for a happy time, this song is the mad notes! We could have a new YUI on our hands!
17. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #14)
Miss Keys also falls this week as it seems that the dominance of women on the Countdown from earlier this year may be over with only the Wonder Girls making it to the top in the last three months. The year of the gentlemen!
16. RSP with DA BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS – LA.LA.LA LOVE SONG (Last Week #19)
WHERE IN THE HELL IS THIS SINGLE?! I am patiently waiting for this one because damn it I SO WANT TO MASTER THIS SONG FOR KARAOKE! But I can’t get the breakdown right because my kanji reading skills are teh suck.
15. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #11, Three Weeks at #1)

Hearts Grow falls again this week as we move on and this has become one of the biggest videos of the year. After failing to take the top spot their first two entries, they grabbed the top and stayed in the Top Five for over two and a half months. Pretty damn good.
14. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #12)
So T.I. is backing away from the dipshittery of Alfamega and Big Kuntry last week at the Dirty Awards. Smooth move because the more you beef with Shawty Lo, the more it looks like that sorry ass man is worth a damn. Which he isn’t…I heard “Foolish.”
13. Young Jeezy – Crazy World (Last Week #17)
Young Jeezy moves up four spots this week and it looks to be the year of the snowman! I kid, I kid but he has had a great year.
12. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #9)
Well, HAMC released their greatest hits album so I guess it is officially all over. I…I need a moment, peeps. Go to the next video.
11. Paramore – Decode (Last Week #13)

Okay…I’m better now. Paramore is moving on up this week! Can they duplicate the success of “That’s What You Get” from earlier this year? If so, we may have the winner of the Rock Artist of the Year Chachi Award!
10. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #7, One Week at #1)
We are into the Top 10 as we have the Wonder Girls! Been a great year with two number one videos but they fall three spots this week and look to be silent for the rest of 2008. That is a shame, they finally began to grow on me.
9. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (Last Week #15, Biggest Mover)

YAAAAY! Ikimonogakari moves up six big spots this week into the Top 10 for the second time this year! I LOVE THIS VIDEO! Even more so than “Bluebird” which I thought was awesome. Can they finally take the top spot?
8. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #6, Two Weeks at #1)
Kanye falls two spots this week as Mr. Countdown could be a dominant force on the Year End Top 100 Countdown American Party Extravaganza 2008! I think…five videos? Maybe all in the Top 10? DAMN, HOMEY!
7. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (Last Week #10)

Takuya and Co are moving back up the Countdown this week! This gives them three Top 10 videos this year and no number ones while in 2006 they had THREE number one videos and dominated everything. Are they back?
6. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (Last Week #8)
Halcali pops up two spots this week just outside the Top 5. They haven’t been this high in a long time and they are looking to pull a NaNa by having a strong end of the year. It is great to see them back!
5. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #3)
Kumi Koda falls from the Top Three this week! She has a new video out but I saw a picture of the live performance on Music Fighter (I believe) and man…my baby boo is looking rough right about now. What’s wrong, baby?
4. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #5)
Another day, another YUI video. She has had THREE number two videos this year (Namidairo, Summer Song and Laugh Away) and to make it four in a year…that would hurt. Can this one FINALLY break the streak? We are down to three!
3. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #4)

Korean invasion Part One! BoA moves up a spot to put her in the Top Three for the first time ever! This song has finally grown on me but I am waiting for her new single (Which should be out shortly) to see if she is REALLY trying to make this English thing work.
2. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #2)

Korean invasion Part Two! Rain spends his second week at the runner up spot as he cannot dethrone the king! Even still, he is holding on tight! But with Bi at number two, the King is still on his throne!
1. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)

T.I. spends his third week at the top this week! I have to say I am still all about this song although I am sure it will be in a MetLife commercial next week. Either way, if you can sample the “Numa Numa Song” and make it a hit I have a lot of respect for you. Congrats, Tip…and Rihanna. Yeah, I gave her props now leave me alone.

That is all for this week! Next week the Countdown will return (Hopefully) to its regular date and time on Friday so be here to see if T.I. can make it a full month at the top! Or will Bi FINALLY make it rain on the top spot after an over two year wait? Or will BoA eat up the competition and become the new queen of the Countdown? See you in seven to find out!

Well, I am out. The Countdown was a tad bit late and I apologize for that one. I was WAAAAAAY too tired on Thursday and Friday to post it. I am going to head to the movies and then play some poker so until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Thuggin In The Boardroom, Fool!

So I am tired and odds are it is snowing like a bitch tomorrow so I have to leave hella early. Until Friday for the Countdown, you all stay up. But first, banging in the corporate world, yo:

See more funny videos and Technology Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Straight P2P'n, fool.

Chachi Out

No One On The Corner Has Swagger...Because They Are Homeless. JACKASS.

Alright, people. I have had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. If you don’t know what I am talking about, I will tell you. Who decides that the cool phrases are to say? I made the mistake of going to Mediatakeout and Bossip (Which are NEVER good ideas) and every other phrase is a set of words that make sounds with no meaning. Just a bunch of clicks and whistles. But it isn’t just there! Everywhere people are using words that I guess I am just not hip to care about but they sound so damn STUPID! So, not to sound like Grandpa Simpson but these are words that I never want to hear again. But first, let me tell you about the time I took the ferry to Ogdenville, which is what we called Shelbyville at the time….

1. Bust-It-Baby: Okay, I already commented on this once but what in the hell does this mean? In or out of context it doesn’t mean anything! You might as well run around in a yellow suit flailing your arms in the air and call yourself Bananaman because that’s what you are doing! This is one of those terms I guess was started by rappers and we all know about their literal eloquence. I mean, when I think of masterful vernacular…I think of Lil Jon:

I just love that video! Cooking and making that cootchie twitch? Now that edumacational!
2. No Homo: Okay, let me get this straight: people who wear oversized shirts, several thousand dollars worth of jewelry, hang around with a crew of big Black men, always talk about their cocks and accessorize down to their FUCKING SHOELACES have the nerve to use a phrase like “no homo?” Let me break it to you, simple like: NIGGA, YOU GAY! If you say no homo, then you are a homo. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but there is something very wrong with saying you aren’t gay when you dress like Liberace. Let’s face it: Rappers are gayer than Elton John fucking the corpse of Versace with George Michael filming it. Now THAT’S GAY.
3. Swag: Um…no. Seriously, no. Shut the fuck up. Especially Jim Jones. You ain’t even Black! You and Fabolous both need to quit that shit. Caribbean motherfuckers need to take your asses back to the islands!
4. Bromance: Okay…no. Anyone that EVER uses that term needs to be shot in the face. The facts show that one in every four bros is tragically and drunkenly raped. And yet you mock them by creating such a flippant term?! That is disrespecting the victim! All they wanted to do was listen to Dave Matthews Band and instead they were bent over a ping-pong table and plowed in the backfield like a Pittsburg Steelers blitz! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! UNDE R THE TABLE AND DREAMING! ROBBLE ROBBLE!!
5. Ice Grill/Mean Mug: These phrases were cool in like….1996. Now they are just fucking sad. If you are pissed off because someone is staring at you then you need to go down a few steps in evolution. “That person is questioning my dominance by staring at me?! THIS IS FOR SPARTA, NIGGA!” Yeah, that makes perfect sense, dickweed. If you get mad over someone “mean mugging” you then we should send you to Mike Vick’s house. He knows what to do with your de-evolved ass. Yes, dog-fighting jokes are funny now. The Pope approved them yesterday on the Catholic Weekly Conference Call!
6. Jonas Brothers: I know they aren’t a phrase but I hate these little bastards. HANSON DID IT FIRST AND DID IT BETTER! GO AWAY! Hell, even The DiFranco Family were better than you guys!

O_O

Okay…you are better than The DiFranco Family. I still want you to go away, though.

Well, I am out for now. Kind of sleepy since these people STILL HAVE NOT FUCKING MOVED so I have to drive. Oh, and one last thing. If I give a rats ass about you, kind of give me a heads up about what you want for Christmas if anything. I stop being in a festive mood around the 20th so hit me before then with a hint of you want anything. If you don’t, all you are getting is a FAL-CUNT PAWNCH!!

Now THAT’S comedy. Peace, ya’ll.

Chachi Out

The Blacker The Berry, The Harder It IS TO PUT IN YOUR FUCKING CONTACTS!

What is up, bitches?! I am back for a hot minute as I had the AWESOME luxury of working from home but since lawyers suck ass and the move of the building isn’t complete (Fucking hippies…I don’t see how shit ever gets done) I have to actually go in tomorrow. FUCKING BULLSHIT! Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed their time away from work and totally enjoyed their weekend. I had a five day weekend (Can I GET A W00T?!) and it went by WAAAAY too fast. Thems the breaks, though.

It is getting late and I wanted to give a follow-up about the fact that I gots me a new phone! You got that right, I finally didn’t get screwed by Verizon with my upgrade (I usually ended up getting a raw deal with either a first gen phone or being forced to upgrade because they FRIED MY ORIGINAL PHONE which has happened twice. Long story short, I got a Blackberry Storm for $49 dollars. There is a rebate of $50 added into that, but because of all the shit I went through with my eNV’s dying because I went through three of them in 18 months and the subsequent bumbling of my account in the times between I got a pretty sweet discount and they cut my bill about $25 despite having the unlimited data plan. I didn’t even ask for that, but something about customer service making amends for a rape in the face really touches me. Here is to hoping they don’t rape me in the face with the Blackberry.

I will give a more in-depth coverage later this week but just know this: I couldn’t transfer my contacts over and that in itself dropped it in my book. I have VCast but I can’t have Get It Now?! With as much as the monthly plan is? Eat a dick! However, I was surprised by just how beautiful this thing is. I mean it puts the iPhone to shame even though it has a lower resolution screen. My widescreen wallpapers look TITS on this bad boy.

However, using the keyboard is a BITCH. At least when you start. Once you figure out you need to type at an angle to avoid fat-fingering you get the hang of it. After about an hour of putting in MY OWN FUCKING CONTACTS I was able to fly through it with minimal hot-keying (where they finish the word for you. I hate that shit) and misspellings.

In short, the BlackBerry Storm is like buying a gun and realizing it doesn’t shoot bullets…but mountain lions. It is cooler than what you expected but you really just want to shoot a motherfucker, not have them mauled. It makes sense when you think about it. Well, I am out for now. Hopefully I can do my blog updates on the bus to avoid staying up late after tomorrow but it aint fucking likely since people around here are DOING IT WRONG. Also, I may give you a rundown of what happened last week over Thanksgiving Eve on Wednesday. Koreatown is a HELL OF A TOWN, I tell you what. Anyone down to go this Friday let me know.

Until then, stay up peeps and I will try to be back tomorrow.

Chachi Out

GREATEST. THANKSGIVING. EVER.

I totally forgot to post this!:

THANKSGIVING, YOU JUST GOT RICKROLL'D!

What The Fuck Is A Wazzle?!

Hey, ya’ll! It is a cold fucking wintery day in Colorado which means my black ass aint going nowhere. I am going to get some tea, watch the Falcons play the Chargers and keep warm in enjoyment of having Monday off. Also, I will be getting my Blackberry Storm on Monday which means I FINALLY GET RID OF THIS SHITBALL PHONE and odds are…get stuck with another shitball phone. Hopefully the Storm will do me right like my T720 did. That thing fell off the balcony at the UCCS dorms and STILL worked. I looked at the eNV wrong and the cockmonger wouldn’t charge. I don’t want to be all “back in my day” but back in my day, SHIT FUCKING WORKED! My Nintendo never had the red ring of death! The red ring of death was something you created to try and destroy that invincible motherfucker after it would lock up on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles against Shredder! Remember the old X-Box? That was the last real tough system. Screw giving the troops armor and weapons, give them all the original X-Box units Microsoft didn’t sell! And use those fucking controllers as bombs! Hiroshima and Nagasaki aint got SHIT on the damage an Xbox controller would do to Afghanistan! Wipe out Osama Bin Laden AND play Ninja Gaiden? That’s what I am talking about! Although finding Bin Laden is a hell of a lot easier than beating Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox. I’m just saying.

So Thanksgiving has come and gone which means it is about the time for the biggest holiday in this country not involving fireworks or drunken Jewish sex. Yom Kippur is some CRAZY times. I kid, I kid. I meant drunken IRISH sex. Either way, Christmastime is here! Time to celebrate the day where Santa saved us from the tyranny of the Cinco Easter Bunnies and their Zombie Leprechaun minions! Or something like that, I kind of zoned in and out when that drunken guy on the 16th Street Mall told me the story. He was wise beyond his drunken, homeless years. With Christmas here, that means that there are five things that will come with the holiday season that I hate:

1. Jesus: I have said it once and I will say it again. All signs point to Jesus not being born in December. Well, I guess seeing as how Jesus Christ is an amalgam of a bunch of other dudes which would make him a FICTIONAL CHARACTER…his birthday can be whenever he wants it to be. He better change that shit, preferably to around Easter or maybe Cinco De Mayo. Mexicans are Catholics and it gives them more reason to drink Coronas and listen to “El Tigre De Norte” on their front lawns. Like they need a reason. Racism, peeps. It’s hilarious!
2. Christmas Carols: Well, the ones about Santa are OKAY but I could do without “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” at all. It means either mommy is a whore or daddy likes to role play which is one step away from being a furfag and YIFFING HAS NO PLACE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I swear, if people dress like fucking reindeers and “jingle the bells” I will fucking KILL YOU. Anyway, Christmas songs about Jebus are LAME. The only good Christmas carol is “Last Christmas” by Wham. Because last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day…you gave it away:

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Okay, I know I should not hate this seeing as how all the other Peanuts Gang specials I totally love. Even their little remembered “I Had To Have An Abortion, Charlie Brown!” and “You Have A Restraining Order Against You, Charlie Brown!” which were like afterschool specials meet George Gershwin. I know a lot of you don’t get that joke and quite honestly…neither do I. Gotta know your audience. However, I haven’t liked the Charlie Brown Christmas special since I saw this:

I mean, how can you top Franklin and Sally cutting it loose to Andre 3000?! You can’t! This video has officially ruined me from Christmas specials! As a matter of fact, I haven’t really been a fan of any Christmas Specials except of course The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Christmas Special. It had Young MC on it!
4. Candy Canes: Is it just me, or are candy canes just oversized and overpriced starlight mints? I mean they taste good in hot cocoa but aside from that they are worthless. They are nasty as hell and are always given out for free for a reason: they suck.
5. Parking: I hate the fact that during the holidays I can’t ever go anywhere and find a place to fucking park. I will never forget how last year a lady tried to box me in at the Chapel Hills Mall by parking BEHIND ME in front of Borders. Needless to say, I was pissed. But it is like that EVERYWHERE, even when you want to make a quick stop for something. You would figure that people would be more open to shopping online seeing as how they search for deviant porn without a concern of getting V&. Yet, they fear shopping online. Stupidity never ceases.

Aside from that, I am looking forward to this year’s Christmas time. I could do without the Jesus or the cheesiness of the season but you have to look past that if you want to enjoy it. I also may see “A Christmas Carol” this year if anyone is interested in going with me. If not, eat a dick. I am about to brave the elements and get myself something for my still aching throat (I TOTALLY shouldn’t have sang on Friday). I will try to be back up on Monday for a review of my new phone and if not tomorrow then definitely Friday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out

Screw Leftovers, I Got NEW STUFFING FOR YA'LL!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! But don’t gorge on the leftovers just yet! I got twenty piping hot new videos for you to put on the plate! It is time for the….

Passion of Chachi Top 20 Video Countdown!

First, let us say goodbye to the videos Falling Out:

John Legend feat Andre 3000 – Green Light (Peaked at #1 for One Week)
Big Bang – Number 1 (Peaked at #14)

Well, John better give me some new shit and Big Bang already answered my request so expect to see them back. Let’s get started with my baby boo looking to fall off!

20. Yuna Ito – Miss You (Last Week #16)
Yuna Ito looks to be spending her final week on the Countdown this week.
19. RSP with DA BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS – LA.LA.LA LOVE SONG (New Entry)

One of the best covers of the TK classic ever! Add in the legendary BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS and you have a kick ass remake! RSP has been lingering on my radar for a while and this one finally gets my full attention!
18. UVERworld – Koishikute (Last Week #14)
UVERworld falls four spots this week as we begin the stretch run for the Chachi Music Awards. Can they get an album out before the cut off?
17. Young Jeezy – Crazy World (New Entry)

Jeezy is finally back to follow up “Put On!” This song has grown on me and the video feels like a sequel to Put On so I am cool with it.
16. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #12)
Miss Hyori falls four more spots this week as I haven’t seen much new from her so she may just be doing promo now.
15. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (Last Week #20)
I. LOVE. THIS. SONG! Catchy as hell and you gottal love the RPG style video!
14. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #11)
Alicia falls three spots as we move on. I wonder what she will do in 2009? Lay low?
13. Paramore – Decode (Last Week #18)
God, I refuse to see “Twilight” but I love this song and video. That and I love Hayley but that is to be expected.
12. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #9)

The King falls from the Top 10 with this one. Can I just say about the dipshittery at the Dirty Awards: WHY WOULD YOU FUCK WITH ALFAMEGA?! I mean, I’ve seen pit bulls that smile more!
11. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #7, Three Weeks at #1)
Hearts Grow falls from the Top 10 for the first time in almost three months! Could they pull the upset for the biggest video of 2009 on the Year End Countdown Extravaganza?
10. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (Last Week #13)
The World is back again! They move up three spots and back into the Top 10 for the third time this year! Is the streak finally over?
9. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #6)
After peaking outside the Top Five last week, HAMC falls three spots this week. Is this the last time we will ever see them?
8. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (Last Week #15, Biggest Mover)

Halcali isn’t messing around! They move up a huge SEVEN SPOTS this week and back into the Top Ten for the first time since “Look” in 2006! This will be a ringtone once my Blackberry Storm gets here, btw.
7. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)
The Wonder Girls fall another three spots this week after pretty much dominating the fall season. Will we get something new from them soon?
6. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #3, Two Weeks at #1)
So with a new hit album and two new videos out, I don’t think Kanye is too upset about falling from the Top Three this week. Although I must say he is being crept on for Artist of the Year Chachi Award by our next video…
5. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #10)

YUI jumps of five big spots into the Top Five for the FOURTH TIME IN 2008! Can she FINALLY take the top spot after an almost two year hiatus? With that, she could repeat as Artist of the Year!
4. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #8)
Okay…this video is finally growing on me. I am not a fan of the fact that BoA is going all “Dirrrty” on me but I will love my baby boo forever and that is why she moves up into the Top Five for the first time ever!
3. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #2)

Miss Koda falls back one spot this week! She came close to taking over the number one spot but got held off! No biggie, she has a new single and video out so she aint worried.
2. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #5)

RAIN IS BACK! For the first time since December of 2006, Bi is looking at a serious shot at being the new King! With arguably the biggest album not by someone from New Orleans, Rain is making his move! However, he fell short of dethroning the reigning king…
1. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

TI and Rihanna are living their life on the top for the second straight week! So it looks to be between Kanye, T.I. and YUI for the Artist of the Year as all three have been dominant. However, there is something to be said about having three Top Three videos in a two month span which The King of the South has! Also, I am really pissed off about the whole Shawty Lo situation that broke off. I mean no one knows who that fuckwit is and all T.I. does is keep him in the spotlight! Either way, only one has the number one video and it aint that “Dunn Dunn” guy.

That is all for this week! We have a BATTLE FOR THE TOP SPOT as T.I. was able to hold on but Rain is right there ready to start his own reign! Kumi Koda, BoA and YUI are all looking at taking the throne back for the ladies as well. Look out for Halcali and even UVERworld to make moves next week! See you in seven!

Well, I have to go to the cleaners and then get pumped for a 4 and a half day weekend! I will be back this weekend at some point to give you more. Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out!

Boy Bands & Thanksgiving: Nothing In Common.

First off, let me say HAPPY THANKSGIVING, PEEPS! I hope you are all spending time with your families and/or loved ones. I will do the same but first it is time for a special Turkey Day post. Nicole asked me to do this and I decided “why the hell not” so I give to you a special Thursday countdown. Today, I will count down twenty of the one thing we should be the most thankful for: boy bands. Without boy bands we wouldn’t have funky fresh dance moves, a scientific meaning for “the shy one” and most importantly we would have a hell of a lot more country. And no one wants that. So, I bring to you on this special day of days…

Passion of Chachi Presents: Top 20 Boy Bands of the 90’s!

I tried to make this as fair as possible and chose the 90’s because that was the beginning, the end and the return of the boy band…all in one decade. The 90’s were a simpler time and boy bands gave us hope. They helped us dream. They gave us killer dance routines. To thank them I will rank them and count them down for you. It’s what they and the boy band gods would want. First, a few honorable mentions!

B4-4

Why They Didn’t Make It: Well, although their concept was created in 1999 I believe, they didn’t become a group until 2001. That and this may be the worst fucking video I have ever seen. And I saw R. Kelly pee on that child.

3T

Why They Didn’t Make It: Well, mostly because they only had one good song (And not this one. Something about letting little boys sing with Michael Jackson just…doesn’t fit for me) and even though “Anything” was a great song…they are fucking creepy.

Let’s get this bad boy started!

20. Immature/iMX

Synopsis: Immature came in when Black boy bands stopped being considered “boy bands” so their focus tried to be on the music. Problem was that they weren’t really that good of singers. Surprisingly, they actually had some very good songs (Never Lie, Feel The Funk, Give Up The Ghost with Bizzy Bone which is a personal favorite of mine) which is what puts them on here. After the fact, they spun off a little boy band by the name of B2K in the 2000’s but Immature was kind of underrated and really overlooked as a boy band.
19. DreamStreet

Synopsis: DreamStreet got a really bad rap and I will admit a lot of it is well deserved. Their voices were FUCKING ANNOYING AS HELL and their dancing was subpar to be nice. However, they were proof that girls screaming causes more girls to scream. It was ridiculous how popular these guys were but when you look at them you can see why. They make puppies look like crap! They really don’t have a great collection of songs and fell off first of the younger boy bands in the late 90’s but it DID give us Jesse McCartney so it wasn’t all bad. YES, I like Jesse McCartney…wanna fight about it?
18. soulDecision

Synopsis: Okay, this one is tough to judge because SoulDecision didn’t dance (I believe) so I have to give them no points there. However, they had one of the best, albeit underplayed, songs of the 90’s with “Faded.” They were multifaceted musically with ballads, dance songs and up-tempo tracks. They really got overshadowed by the more popular bands but I put them up there with the best of them in song quality.
17. Take That

Synopsis: Now I for one never really liked Take That. I heard them when I was overseas and then we I got back to the states I had to hear the SAME SONGS OVER AGAIN, much like with Ace of Base. With that being said, I can’t take away from their songs and talent. They were one of the better British boy bands and did give us Robbie Williams. Which is neither a plus or a minus.
16. Soul IV Real

Synopsis: Soul IV Real is another one of the Black boy bands that was just categorized as “R&B” which really limited them. I for one STILL bump “Candy Rain” cuz I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it. Now the major problem that hit this group hits everyone at some point: puberty. When puberty hit (Like…four months after this video or some shit) the lead singers voice changed and shit went downhill from there. Despite that, Soul IV Real had a great first album and…um…yeah.
15. Color Me Badd

Synopsis: You know GOD DAMNED WELL you loved some Color Me Badd! I have to say when they came out I was overseas (Aviano, Italy) and EVERYONE HAD THIS TAPE. Yes, I said tape. Their first album gave us CLASSIC 90’s songs from “I Wanna Sex You Up” to “All For Love.” I can honestly say that these guys gave NKOTB a run for their money for a while in terms of popularity. They could sing, they could dance and someone out their thought they were sexy (I was more of a Jordan Knight man myself) because they were on everything! Unfortunately, their albums after their first one all sucked it dry. But man, they were fucking AWESOME for that one year!
14. BBMak

YES, YES AND MORE YES. BBMak may just be the most underappreciated boy band of all time. They played real instruments, wrote awesome songs and had the voices of angels! If you can listen to “Back Here” and not think it is a great pop song then you don’t know pop music, my friend. They had a few other hits but being from across the pond, Americans lost their interest quickly because we were too busy with our Macarena and shit like that. Yeah, we suck but BBMak didn’t.
13. All-4-One

You know, I was never really a fan of All-4-One. That didn’t mean every female I knew wasn’t, though. Chicks totally dug these guys and I guess I see why. Between “I Swear”, “I Can Love You Like That” and “So Much In Love” they have weddings, proms and stalkers outside of windows with jamboxes market locked down from Peter Gabriel. Now they didn’t really DANCE but being a boy band isn’t ALL about the dancing. It sure as hell should be, though.
12. 2Gether

AAAAWWWWW YEEEEAAAAAHHH! One of the best boy bands of the 90’s was actually a spoof on boy bands! 2gether was on MTV as kind of a knock on the boy band craze and actually ended up being one of the bigger boy bands of the time. It started off as movie (Which was awesome) which parleyed into a show (Which was uber-awesome) and then led to an album with RULED. They danced (Albeit poorly), they sang (Although it even poorer than their dancing) and they got mad honeys. Can’t beat that!
11. O-Town

Okay, who DIDN’T watch “Making The Band?” If you did then you know about some O-Town. Now I believe the show started in 1999 but the band actually didn’t DO anything until 2000 but I will let it slide. Mostly because their first album wasn’t bad. It was actually…good. Problem was that when you get created on a TV show, no one takes you seriously and no one did. So they fell off after their next album but for a yeah they were the hottest band out there.
10. LFO (Lyte Funky Ones)

We are down to ten and we start off with arguably the most hated boy band in the 90’s. “Summer Girls” was one of those songs that was good the first time you heard it because you could relate…but then you heard it all the time. LITERALLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But Summer Girls is one of the best boy band songs because once you don’t hear it for a year and you hear it again you are no longer pissed. Can’t say that about “Closing Time” I tell you what.
9. New Edition

Okay, this one was a little rough. They broke up in 1989/1990 after NE Heartbreak but they got back together in 1996 for “Home Again” with arguably their best song “I’m Still In Love With You.” New Edition was the best boy band in the 80’s in my honest opinion and even though their reunion was a bit of a letdown they still got down. More from them later…
8. Westlife

Okay, I used to HATE Westlife but then they covered Frank Sinatra. AND DID IT RIGHT! Let me explain something to the peeps: when you cover The Chairman of the Board you better have your game tight and dammit they were on it. The covered “More Than Words” AND “Uptown Girl!” I never really saw them dance but they have the best voices of any boy band STILL TO THIS DAY. Yeah, I said it. Come get some.
7. Hi-Five

You know, I have to say that Hi-Five is one of my favorite boy bands ever. Hell, maybe one of my favorite groups of all time. They made great R&B and pop songs and Tony Thompson had a serviceable singing voice. They could dance and even had the other members drop some vocals rather than have Tony sing all the time. It sucks that reunion talks were going on when Tony Thompson died.
6. 98 Degrees

The dreamy Nick Lachey. My bad, gotta focus. 98 Degrees was in the wrong place at the wrong time. They began as a “R&B” group after the “Invisible Man” fiasco which has a great song but was really marketed toward Blacks and unless it’s Steve Winwood we don’t like White’s in our Soul music. When they pivoted to being more pop they took off…but behind two BIGGER groups who will remain nameless. They had great albums, did a little (and I mean a LITTLE) bit of dancing and could really fricking sing. But they were always bronze medalists.
5. Bell Biv DeVoe (B.B.D.)

Only five more to go and we make it to my controversial pick. If you were around when New Edition broke up then you remember the anticipation of the Bell Biv DeVoe album. While most wouldn’t consider BBD a BOY BAND you have to consider what they came from. New Edition was THE boy band of the 80’s and all that changed was Michael Bivins rapped a little bit (At J-Tim used to beat-box…for some reason) so it is the exact same. “Poison” is EVERYONE’S FAVORITE SONG and they had the three tenants of boy banding down: fresh dance moves, good looks and catchy songs. Sounds like a boy band to me.
4. N’SYNC

Well you knew they were going to be on here somewhere! They were part of the initial movement that brought boy bands back into the mainstream but behind good looks and spiffy dance moves were actually great pop songs and above average singers. I DARE you to not sing “Bye Bye Bye” when it comes on and if you say you don’t then you obviously do…liar. This band spawned off the wannabe act Justin Timberlake (Wanting to be anything but white) and of course the gayest man in music today. Oh, and Lance Bass. JC Chasez is playing with the boys!
3. New Kids On The Block

Okay, first off The New Kids On The Block redefine boy band from just being dudes singing and dancing in a gay way to dudes singing and dancing in a gay way and getting massive amounts of lolis. Although by 1990 they were coming down off their major run from 1987-1989 they were still noth just the dominant boy band but the dominant musical act not named Michael Jackson. Their change to NKOTB really fell off but they are still one of the all time best. You KNOW you like “Step By Step” so stop frontin.
2. Backstreet Boys

OMG! HOW CAN THEY NOT BE NUMBER ONE?! Well, it was very close. I mean from 1997 to 2000, Backstreet Boys were everywhere and rightfully so. I mean come on, did they make a bad song? They had awesome dance moves (Before they got “too big” to dance) and a hell of a lot of great songs. “I Want It That Way” and “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” are two of the greatest songs EVAR. You fucking know it, too. They are bigger in Japan than schoolgirls and they still are together, unlike almost ALL THE BOY BANDS ON HERE. Standing the test of time is something boy bands usually don’t do, peeps. And we are now down to one! WHO IS IT?!
1. Boyz II Men

East Coast swing, fools! Yes, Boyz II Men were the best boy band of the 90’s. From “Motownphilly” to “Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” they dominated the early 90’s boy band scene that NKOTB left open and by the time they released “End Of The Road” they were THE BAND. There was no one bigger than Boyz II Men when it came to singing. They had some of the best songs ever written and even still danced, something most boy bands stop doing as they get older. When it all boils down, it couldn’t be anyone BUT Boyz II Men on the top of this bad boy.

Let the arguing begin! I am out for now; I will be back tomorrow for the official Countdown but until then stay up and enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving!

Chachi Out!

It's Time To Throw Down The Gauntlet. Then, We Drink Rum From It!

Hey, ya’ll! Heh, I should just steal Cleveland’s catchphrase. Way too lazy to make my own. So with boredom reigning and for no particular reason I am working on the day before Thanksgiving (WHAT IS THIS?! OLD COUNTRY?!) so I need to drive AGAIN because of poor planning but hey, it aint my fault. I just do the do.

So with that being said, I only have a few things to say before Thanksgiving. None are really important but I just wanted to vent and all.

1. People need to lighten the fuck up. I swear to fucking god, life is too short to be mad all the damn time. I may rant but at the end of the day I do it as a release and I know when to get my joke on. From now on, I am living by the “Nigga, Fuck You!” motto. The next time someone tells me to be serious or gets upset about shit I don’t care about I am just going to say “NIGGA, FUCK YOU!” and walk away. Try it; it TOTALLY shuts up the other person. Unless they are Black in which you may have a fight on your hands.
2. “M” stands for “Mature” not “Middle School.” With the holiday season coming up and a bevy of kickass games being released it is time for the “I Don’t Want To Call MYSELF A Bad Parent So I Will Blame Every Game Manufacturer Under The Fucking Sun” people to come from under their rocks and bitch. After seeing people buy games for their kids and not even LOOK AT THE FUCKING GAME (I told you about my “25 To Life” incident at GameStop) it has gotten to the point that with games pretty much everywhere that you cannot use the “I can’t watch my kids at all times” line. Hell, I saw video games at 7/11 when I went to get gas on yesterday. The commercials are all over the place and I am pretty sure I saw product placement for MetLife and Always maxi-pads in Gears of War 2. Kind of fits with all the blood in that bitch. Anyway, this holiday season, people better look at the damn rating systems because I will be damned if I have to see Jack Johnson next February because you didn’t know that a game called FALLOUT 3 wasn’t about bunkbeds…jackass.
3. Michael Turner for MVP! The fact that the Atlanta Falcons have more than one win is an act of Gawd. The fact they are second in the NFC South and in the hunt for the GOD DAMN PLAYOFFS after Week 11 is an act of The Wolven. Even if they don't win another game, The Burner has given this team something to build off of. Oh, and if Mike Smith doesnt win coach of the year then there is something wrong with EVERYFUCKINGTHING.
4. Enjoy the time with your family. Times are hard, the baby is crying and we are all living for the city. Make the most of the time with the people who matter because you never know when you will ever be able to tell them how thankful you are to have them again.

Lastly, I want to say I am disappointed in you Colorado Springs. We did not over take Denver as the number one drunkest city in America. As a matter of fact, according to Men's Health we have FALLEN TO NUMBER 3! Behind Anchorage, Alaska?! MOTHERFUCKERS! That is it, in 2009 we are taking what's ours! Join me starting New Year's Day in my effort to make Colorado Springs the drunkest city in America! It is time for...

LUSHFEST 2009!

Are you ready? I am and I have the soju and the microphone to prove it. TO THE KOREAN KARAOKE BAR, MOFOS! We are taking the hat of inibriation to the Springs!

CHACHI OUT!

Cheating: The Only Time It Is Cool Is At The Beginning Of Contra...

So I just spied this on Yahoo and thought it was HIL-AIR-EE-US!

Four Ways To Know If Your Man Will Cheat!

Yeah…no.

Predictor #1: His Background

If your man seems to have sailed through life without ever hitting the rough waters that rock the rest of us, beware. Privileged chaps tend to suffer from a sense of entitlement (read: bratty-boy syndrome), so he may believe that the rules don't apply to him. He's so used to getting what he wants, why should he stop now?

Hmm, this is a very interesting thought process. Aside from the fact it is generalizing men (Something women demand WE don’t do of them but they do all the time of US) it also brings in a certain aspect about the gender bias that women never fight because it is in their favor. Why is it okay for a woman to always demand SHE gets what she wants and it is normal. If a man fights for anything, he is seen as selfish. Or at least a jerk. Don’t even get me started on entitlement because the only people that think they are more entitled to shit they didn’t earn aside women (Harrison Ford, anyone?) are Black people. Yeah, I went there. As for rules, not only do women feel the rules don’t apply to them they seem to make them as they go along. Dealing with women in anything aside from a swift pop to the mouth is like playing Calvinball without the fun. W00T! Calvin and Hobbes reference! I honestly understand the process behind the statement because I have seen dudes that act like it is a privilege for women to be around him because…I really don t know but hey, if that is your swag then you got it like that. However, women act the same way (Actually worse) and we as men are expected to take it. All the power, none of the responsibility.

Predictor #2: His Career

• Does he work mostly with women?
• Is he always logging in late hours, whether it be at the office, at dinner with clients or on business trips?
• Does he make a lot of money?

It's great to date a guy with ambition -- and his deep pockets definitely don't hurt when he brings you pricey baubles -- but the office environment can open the door to private meetings of the carnal kind. According to Glass, studies show that when men cheat, it's most often with a work colleague. "Not only are people with similar interests side by side on a daily basis, but the time they spend together is usually when they're most energetic and look their best."

God…read that first line. Am I the only person that is beginning to think that Ike and OJ had it right…and left cross? As one that kind of lived this let me explain something to women right now: it isn’t uter-you, its UTER-US. Let me explain. If you are dating someone then USUALLY it is a partnership and he does what he does to bring home in some way or form the fruits of his labor to you. So what I don’t get about this is the fact that women will stay with a man for the money if his career is profitable enough. Also, take my word for it on this one too: dating at work usually ends poorly. I mean, if Monica and Bill couldn’t find love in the White House then what make you think your boyfriend/husband and his co-worker will? Also, any man that thinks that fooling around with a co-worker is a good idea is a dipshit. And I am their leader with a gun and flag. Yep, I was a dumbass and I speak from experience. Again, I understand the concern but just because he is working late and happens to have female co-workers doesn’t mean he is fucking her. Blowjobs are the sexual act of choice at work. Oh, that was your eye, baby! GIGGITY!

Predictor #3: Smoozing

• Can he talk his way out of anything (parking tickets, rolling into work late)?
• Does he make an effort to charm everyone -- your coworkers, your older sister, a saleswoman?
• When you go to parties, does he insist on making the rounds?

Your friends and family love him, and he always manages to keep you entertained. How could you not adore him? But according to Glass, sweet-talkers often have a deep need for approval and thrive on attention. So what's wrong with dating a really friendly fella? Well, sometimes a smooth operator's need for the spotlight can't be satisfied by one woman's ego-stroking. And if he's suave with the ladies, opportunities undoubtedly arise. "Charmers meet a lot of women and win them over easily," says Aumiller. "So even if his intentions aren't more than friendship, they might be willing to move beyond friendship, and that's hard to resist."

Okay, I will admit this can be deceiving. Having to talk to a lot of high-level (Read: DOUCHEBAG MCGEES) and meet with them now and again in my jobs I learned to talk the talk. Which means that you have to have the “Honkey Laugh” and of course be charming to the point you want to beat yourself with a meat cleaver in the balls to counteract the pain of being a douchebag to close your big deal. So ladies, sometimes it comes with the job, we don’t WANT to be a smooze but it come with the territory. Just like when you date a boxer he might just punch the shit out of you. Or any man on drugs for that matter. They will usually fuck your ass up if you stop them from getting their 8ball.

Now as for making the rounds at parties. I for one hate people so it is beyond me why I am so skilled at this but I can be really approachable and a great listener when I don’t give a fuck. If I don’t know people at a party I will usually (READ: USUALLY) try to talk to everyone. Even female because if you don’t they think you are a dick. However, if you do you end up in the category that this article places you in: a player/flirt. I think that women still believe that when a man is talking to you that he is offering dick. First off, it aint all about you. Since I know if I don’t talk to someone I will end up snapping I don’t mind talking to another woman. Besides, what do I have to lose when I will never see your dumb ass again. Now I ran into this a few times when at parties I would make rounds and talk to everyone (including women) and even though it WASN’T in a sexual or come-hither manner my date took it that way or (EVEN WORSE) the women I spoke to took it that way. Which now has to switch the light back onto the women, here. Are women so simple as to be wooed by simple conversation (BTW, the answer is yes) to the point that either they are enticed by a taken man or fly into a rage when their boyfriend/husband does it? Now I for one on the flipside DIDN’T flip out and I totally should have because that was her ex (We live, we learn) but at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being cordial and women need to understand that (Opening a door for you doesn’t mean we want you to open your legs for us. Hard to accept I admit). In some cases I have to agree with this one because there is a thin line between being a people-person and being a whore. It usually involves anal.

Predictor #4: His Friends

• Does he usually hang out with a crew of mostly single guys?
• Do his friends encourage him to join them in just-for-men activities?
• Do his pals have problems staying in relationships?

The nightclubs, the bachelor parties, the dudes-only deeds we're better off not knowing the details of -- it's enough to make any woman worry just a wee bit. Although boys-will-be-boys, bonding time helps a committed man feel less, well, trapped, the appeals of bachelorhood may make him long to be a free agent. A recent study of 37,000 men and women showed that when guys see those around them splitting from their significant others, it tends to encourage them to do the same."

Okay, this was always funny to me. First off, for the majority of my life I have had my female friends outnumber my male friends because the only manly things I like are football and kicking puppies. You won’t see Rick going to Bed, Bath & Beyond with me. That shit is gay and we both know it so we don’t go together. Even when I DO go out to the clubs (And it has been a minute), very rarely do I go out of my way to converse with women. If conversation happens then I am not going to say “BITCH, BACK OFF! I’M TAKEN DEVIL WOMAN!” but I am not going to see if I can get her to let me in her gullyhole. For the most part (Aside from my bro and Black friends) when I go out, I hang out with the people I left with and we mingle with some others that come off as non-douches. I think that judging someone by their company is stupid. I mean, there are a lot of you women that have really slutty friends that are down to fuck any dude with the common sense to know that women love Long Island Iced Teas more than H2O and yet you say “oh, I don’t flirt like SHE does” when we all know that shit is false. Flashback, my bad. Oh, and some of you reading this ARE that slutty girl and to you I say great job. Whores like you keep dumb niggas and bros buying drinks and keep the economy moving. Whores are the REAL heroes.

Quite simply this last one has merit, just like all of them. As usual, it’s the REASON that is lost. And the reason for the season is pleasing! That and I like reading these. They are funny, just like Fox News. Well, I am out because I have to fucking work tomorrow like it is fucking communist Russia or some shit. I will try to be up tomorrow night and I think I will finish up the 2008 Chachi Music Awards Nominee Special on Sunday after the Falcons/Chargers game. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Pardon Me While I Burst....INTO ANGER!

Aw, yeah! Eight years of bullshit and George Walker Bush finally did something the fuck right! After seven years in jail for…not…having $1.4 million in liquid cocaine and trying to smuggle it through customs, rapper John Forte is finally free! You don’t know who he is? Oh, well that is to be expected. He used to hang out with The Fugees and that other guy. I think he was the hustleman on my street. Man, that dude had the hook-up on EVERYTHING. Anyway, it is nice to see that having drugs and cooking it up like Krispy Kremes and dishing it out to the inner city is less horrible than DOG FIGHTING. Yes, Michael Vick was ALSO up for a Presidential pardon but he didn’t get one. What the fuck?! How many touchdown passes has John Forte thrown?! How many times has John Forte murdered the Minnesota Vikings defense?!:

BTW, I was watching that on TV and I lost my shit. The guy couldn’t hit the broad side of a doghouse with a dead pitbull but man he was one hell of an athlete. Yet we will never see it because killing humans with drugs isn’t as bad as giving dogs a chance to learn a trade. It was like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force said: Mike Vick was like a man that sees his neighborhood crumbling so he builds a youth center to get underprivileged youths of the street...and then makes them fight in illegally sanctioned cage matches for a pre-discussed fee. Is that so wrong?! Is that so illegal?! You damn right it is and THAT’S WHY HE DESERVED A PARDON! That way, the Falcons can trade him for draft picks! You see, it all works out well! Atlanta gets draft picks, Mike Vick goes free and more dogs are taken out of the mean city streets and taught the sweet science of underground, illegal caged dogfighting! Everyone one wins!

Listen, I am against seeing dogs get hurt as much as the next man but until they approve interspecies caged combat this is ALL WE HAVE! I would rather see the epic battle of two natural enemies like a bear vs. shark showdown but PETA gets all pissy about that kind of thing. As usual PETA, much like the ACLU, NOW, NAACP and those pussy ass Planeteers:

Are fucking up the fun for the rest of us. Another thing, why is John Forte free when a certain other rapper is not? Barack Obama, I DEMAND you do the right thing and one up GW Bush. When you take office, your first order of business should be the economy, the second should be taking over Turkey (YOU KNOW WHY!) and your third order of business should be to do the right thing. You should…

FREE SHYNE!

All he did was keep it real and try to protect the man that signs his checks! Is that so wrong?! AND HE STOPPED SNITCHING! As all you ignorant ass niggas know, snitching is not the cool thing to do! Unless it means saving your own ass in which you sing like Angela Winbush. Yeah, I’m kicking it old school. Either way, someone needs to make it happen. While you are at it, PUT R.KELLY’S NASTY ASS IN JAIL! I’m through playing around with that nasty motherfucker.

What do you mean by teenager?! NIGGA WHAT?! Even PEDO BEAR DOES NOT APPROVE! Remember, peeps:

+

= EPIC WIN

while....

+

= TAKE A SEAT OVER HERE, MR. KELLY…CUZ U’VE BEEN V&!

Well, I am so out. I’ll be back up tomorrow night or Wednesday. Or something, none of this matters.

Chachi Out

Uncle Ben: Molding Heroes And Making Dinner Complete Since 1948...

What is up, people?! I am back for a Sunday night update which is rare seeing as how early I have to wake up now. What can I say; I truly love the peeps.

You know one thing I haven’t done in a long ass time? Rant. It has been at least five months since I have sat back, put my mind to it and really just laid someone out with my anger. I think my last rant was against bros and well…they seem to be going away. Except where I work but that is a conversation for another day and time. I will just say this, right here and right now:

ULTIMATE FRISBEE = TOTALLY GAY

I mean balls deep in the brown sea gay. Anyway, I have kept rather quiet about the national elections solely for the fact that although I didn’t really matter who won, I just didn’t want the Irish fuck to win. Nothing personal, I just don’t like old, Irish men. Don’t even get me STARTED about a woman in the White House. The only place a woman should be in the White House is behind a stove, on her knees, or being wrapped up in a carpet to be tossed into a river, Kennedy style. Oh yeah…I said it.Therefore, the loss by John McCain and Sarah Palin was very sweet to me because I didn’t want to see the modern day version of Archie Bunker and Fran Dresher running the country. I would rather have not had the mulatto (Mmm…delicious cookie) and the other old honkey cracker win but as Jesus Christ will tell you, we can’t win them all. Either way, I win and White people lose. Therefore, it is an EPIC WIN for me. But I have to say...White folks are REALLY TRIPPIN about this one. I haven’t seen White people this mad since Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken. Here is the thing about that; Clay Aiken turned out to be as gay as the American flag is tacky (Yeah, I said it! The flag is too busy! A few less stars and some more bling blong would hip it up) and if there is one thing that Conservatives hate it is a cocktail…fruit. Which is doubly sweet for me because whenever a gay gets married, baby Jesus cries. I mean, can it GET ANY FUCKING BETTER?! Still pissed off about California and Prop 8 but once again, you can’t win them all. Unless you are Rick Astley.

So enough on that. I just had to comment on the inability for White people to take a loss with dignity like every Black boxer that lost to Rocky Marciano did. All…three. Back on the lack of ranting. A lot of it has been about a REALLY SHITTY FALL (August to October was the worst time ever) but for the most part my rants have been cut back because it seemed like I ranted about the same thing over and over again. It was either about:

1. Bros
2. Niggas
3. Women
4. Jesus
5. Phillip Michael Thomas

There were some video game rants tossed in there for good measure but for the most part I was ranting about variations of the exact same subject which is fine because I always thought it was fun and the peeps seemed to enjoy it. Then I began to notice something. Women took my rants way too literal. Whether they touched a little too close to home or they felt I was talking about them (Which odds are if you THINK I was talking directly to your dumb ass then I was. You know who you are and you know what I mean) there were times that it felt like my rants were being taken as a direct insult to them and their person.

Well, first off you would be wrong to assume that. I am making a judgment by your ACTIONS as women (And in some cases in the blog individual females themselves and their dipshittery) because I have learned that motive is in the person and you really can’t judge what that is because with women, a lot of time THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR MOTIVE IS. You can say I am wrong, but if your motive for staying with someone who treats you like shit is fear then I am sorry but your logic is flawed. As is the justice system but once again, you can’t win them all. So if you are a female out there and you think that what I have to say about the actions of women is unfair then stop being idiots and go from there. It’s like I say about rappers: if you don’t want people to say rap is violent and misogynistic then stop shooting at each other and sluttifying women in your videos. You don’t want to be considered a whore, STOP FUCKING RANDOM DUDES. I don’t see what is so hard about that.

Which leads me to a rant (See, you knew this was leading SOMEWHERE). Friday night on my way home (or it may have been Saturday) I was talking to a friend about a conversation I had with a certain someone about the concept of drunken club love. You know what I mean so I won’t even go into it more. What concerned me is her response when I stated that when to drunk people have sex, they are both evenly at fault for being dumb enough as man and woman to get themselves into that situation in the first place:

“No, it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault!”

Are you fucking shitting me? Ladies, I need some clarification in this one because I find it hard to believe that YOU STILL BELIEVE that “the man should know to stop” is a logical defense for stupidity. It is 2008 now and it is completely illogical with as much information that is out there and how smart and strong women claim to be that they still believe that they don’t have to take responsibility for the choice of drinking or illogical actions. Now the first thing that she said when I called the concept of blaming the man completely “illogical” is that “a man should know better not to take advantage of a woman when she is drunk!” and while I have PERSONAL VIEWS about that shit (Ask me if you really want to know but for the sake of this rant I will bypass them) let’s really look at this. Now if you read this thing or know me at all you know I think that the act of rape is reprehensible. It is a horrible crime. However, much like I feel that blatant racism is disgusting I also know that there are people out there that will use the aspect of racism for their own means. Whether it is a buffer for a lack of talent (Some Black quarterbacks out there) or as a reason for being passed over despite being grossly unqualified. I find using racism as an unfair advantage even WORSE than actual racism because I honestly believe no one wants to question it. Let’s parallel this and say I never want to question a woman’s word when she says she has been raped but as the story unfolds, you have to ask yourself something:

At what point do you hold yourself accountable for questionable actions?

Now understand this: two drunk people having sex is just two drunk people having sex. Period. It isn’t rape or anything else. It is two fucktards not having the common sense to know that your mind is chemically altered when you drink and your thoughts are clouded. It isn’t his fault for going along with it and saying “you know, she can’t really stand up so maybe doing it in the butt is okay!” as much as it isn’t HER fault for ending up wherever she was when it happened or even better having that fourth Long Island Iced Tea. I will say it again: it’s like two drunk drivers getting in an accident with no one else on the road. You can’t blame the one with the lower BAC or the more experienced driver. They are both at fault and they live with the consequences. Now you can go to civil court and sue for damages but where is the logic in that when your drunk ass hit someone elses drunk ass? Same with two people having drunken sex whether it is on a date (To which I say if I take you to dinner and you eat it up, uh, you going home with me) or just a random encounter at a club (To which I say if I buy you a drink and you drink it up then, uh, you going home with me). I’ll let Jermaine Dupri tell it:

All kidding aside, mostly because I don’t buy women drinks. Bitches don’t deserve the nog. The whole point of this post is because I really want to understand the thought process about this. It seems like all women say the same thing about this situation and it is dumbfounding. Especially when I compare it to two drunk drivers because they say it isn’t the same when it is. I mean at what point does responsibility for ones actions come into play? YES you have the right to go out and have a good time. YES you have the right to drink (Once you turn 21, so if you are under the age of 21 and alcohol is involved in any of your activities you are on your fucking own if ANYTHING happens to you that isn’t forced) to your liver’s content and flirt and grind on any “cute guy” you see. You know what? You have to accept the task of being RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR DAMN ACTIONS. Yes you CAN do all of those things but you also need to make sure you know where you are doing it and who you are doing it with. You can’t just make stupid decisions (And yes, drinking a drink you didn’t see poured or leaving a club/party with someone you don’t know is a STUPID DECISION) and after the fact blame everyone else. I have made some dumb ass choices and you know who I blame for them? ME!

I am not saying to hole yourself up in a bubble. As a woman you shouldn’t have to quarantine yourself to stay safe from perverts and rapists. However, look at things logically. If you DON’T bring undo attention to yourself in random places by drinking enough to take out Sam Kinison (Bless his drunk, coked out funny as fuck dead ass) and yelling out “I’M SO DRUNK” as you stagger around showing half the place your gully hole, that is half the battle right there. It is possible to go out and drink responsibly without hanging on an unsavory crowd that may want to cause you harm. Rather than do THAT, some women deem it necessary to do what they want and when they want even if it means putting themselves in situations that a rational person would not. Women want to live like men but not accept the consequences of being a fucking asshat. One thing about living like a man is that you fuck up A LOT and you have to live with the shit without much (If any) sympathy for your dumb ass actions. Is that REALLY how you want to live, ladies? Constantly doing dumb shit? If it is then continue to live by the credo that it is someone else’s fault. If you do that, you are no better than Al Sharpton. And I am sure you don’t want that.

Well, I will do another rant this week as I believe I am working remote Wednesday and Friday. Happy Thanksgiving if I don’t see you again by Thursday!

Chachi Out