Hey, ya’ll. It is a late night update and needless to say I am feeling rather down because I am beginning to realize that sometimes you just can’t win no matter how talented you are. In the end, sometimes shit just aint gonna go your way no matter how well you position yourself. It is bullshit but it is life. The older I get, the more things are STILL like high school. People will screw over whoever they can to remain on top. Those that aren’t in the cliques are never looked at highly. The more you keep your head down and do your job the more likely you will get picked on because you ARENT being obnoxious about what you do. You kind of hoped that after school ended that the pretty people didn’t always get what they wanted even though they were devoid of any personality or talent and yet it seems that they still get ahead over those that actually do what they are supposed to do. In the end…high school never ends:
Sad but true. I was better off when I was seven and wanted to be a member of the motherfucking Voltron force. If I had a giant robotic lion I wouldn’t have to take shit from anyone, let alone someone who is desperate for youth and tries to attain it by pulling the souls from young men. But I digress, mostly because I am bitter as fuck right now. It’s not who you know or what you know….it’s who you are willing to blow. ZING! I’m here all night, ladies and gentlemen.
But enough with being a downer. Life isn’t all that bad; I still have my porn. And that is quite simply all I need for the most part since I have given up on building a sensible relationship with a woman and realized that my life can only go up from where it is at right now. Yes, I am full of sunshine, snapdragons and FUCKING LOLLIPOPS!
So seeing as how I am pissed off at life in general right now and could care less about anyone or their beliefs about jackshit right now, I saw this article and said to my self. "bullshit." Fuck the Bible. Have you never read "Where The Wild Things Are?!" How about "Bunnicula?!" Hell, even "Are You There God? It's Me, Margret" was a better book than the fucking bible. It isnt even a book! It's a bunch of out of order stories about shit that didnt happen with people that didnt exist (except for Moses. Charlton Heston doesnt fuck around. And he just died at like...2,010ish years old?) and I find it hard to believe that Harry Potter wasnt number one. I mean, the only time I use a bible is in a hotel room to beat the shit out of the underage Thai hooker whose ass I am snorting lines of coke off of as I listen to the Beatles (the hepped up on goofballs Beatles) and cut myself all while yelling "I AM THE MINOTAUR!" When Penn & Teller school your book about it being bullshit, you know its time to hang up the messiah:
You know, I really....really hate people.
I will be doing the whole WFH thing tomorrow so I will be back up by the evening. Its okay, I will have calmed down by then. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
It's Ladies Night! Except For The Mingers. They Gotta Pay...
What’s up, everybody? It is a rather “meh” Monday and I decided to put up a post today. It is a post I haven’t done in over two years and it was about time to bring it back. So, I give you a special Passion of Chachi today and it is dedicated to all the ladies I love…
Passion of Chachi Presents: The 20 Sauciest Ladies of 2008!!
Before we begin there are some ladies that I left off this year for various reasons, mainly because of lack of space. But in my eyes, they are all beautiful.
Honorable Mentions
Anahi (Being number two in RBD isn’t so bad. Well…three if you count Miguel)
Foxxi MisQ (If Destiny’s Child was Japanese and less annoying, they would be Foxxi MisQ)
Yui (Nothing is hotter than a chick playing acoustic guitar. NOTHING)
Jolin Tsai (China’s version of Kumi Koda. Which isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. 2 billion Chinese people can’t be wrong!)
Sofia Vergara (To this day, I am pissed they cancelled “Knights of Prosperity” because she made that show WORK)
Min (F2T! Too bad she is way too young for me because she is odds are the best dancer I have seen since Usher circa 2004. And she is such a cutie IN THE LEGAL WAY)
Now let’s get started!
20. Ninel Conde (2006 Rank: NR)
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If you DON’T know who she is, I can’t blame you. However, if you have seen Rebelde then you know how fine she is. The fake boobies can go away but the junk in the trunk is just….muy bueno! Oh, and the mother/daughter bikini photo shoot? The most pivotal scene in TV history. EVER
19. Yuna Ito (2006 Rank: NR)
Unless you are never listening to me or reading this blog, you know how Yuna Ito rates in my book. She is the best combination of Korean and Japanese since Bi’s last album and bulgogi & sushi. Oh, and most importantly she can fricking SING. Check out “Heart” because it is bad ass.
18. Halle Berry (2006 Rank: 10)
Yeah, I still loves me some Halle. Too bad she had to go and have herself a child because as you all know having kids aint cool. They don’t have souls. Even still, Halle seems to be way too fine to have been divorced three times. I think something may be mentally wrong with her, hence the huge plummet from two years ago.
17. Salma Hayek (2006 Rank: 7)
She had all but disappeared after having her baby until I happened to see her on “Ugly Betty” in that black bra on the elevator and all I could say was DAAAAAAAAAMN! I am not a booby man but Salma has everything and an accent that just doesn’t quit. I could have done without the unibrow in “Frida” though. CREEPY.
16. Nelly Furtado (2006 Rank: 14)
Yeah, I have to admit it right now: I am a total sucker for eyes. The color isn’t important, if a lady has striking eyes she can pretty much convince me to punt a puppy (not that it takes much). So far, Nelly Furtado is one of the few ladies on the planet with eyes to do that. Combine that with a great voice and a very alluring face (albeit she needs to fucking EAT SOMETHING!) and you have one of my many baby boo’s.
15. Aly Michalka (2006 Rank: NR)
Okay, it is confession time. I LIKED “Phil From The Future” on the Disney Channel. I actually tolerated AJ & Aly’s music and hell I even could listen to “Potential Breakup Song” without wanting to find the nearest person and shoot them in the face. That being said, the SECOND thing about a woman that gets me is the smile. Aly has a show stopping (Fuck Shawn Michaels. You don’t own space, so stop acting like you do!) smile and reminds me of a miniature Mandy Moore…just so damn CUTE!
14. Shakira (2006 Rank: #2)
Shakira falls a huge 14 places from 2006 and I feel bad for doing it. I still think she has the most awesome hips in the world and her voice still annoys the shit out of me. But getting tag-teamed on camera with your husband and a married man…whoa. I will have to investigate!
13. Kumi Koda (2006 Rank: 11)
So Kumi Koda has done a good job finding food to eat and wearing clothes over the last two years. I still think she needs to not tan so much because she doesn’t even look Japanese anymore but MY GOD can she dance. I am rather surprised by her stepping her game up after my rant in 2006 about that. Oh, and she must have been working on her voice because she has more than one range now.
12. Inoue Waka (2006 Rank: NR)
Yes…my god yes. Everytime I look at Inoue Waka I just KNOW that I have to end up in Japan. Yes, I know they all don’t look like her but better they look like her if they are shapely and small than Coco or any of the other fake ass American models we have here. To top it off, her smile is Sowelu-esque.
11. Jessica Biel (2006 Rank: 9)
You know, I moved Jessica down this year for the sole reason that she is getting a tad bit too muscular for me. If there is one thing I hate more than skinny fuckers its muscular people. I think that she is falling into that Jessica Alba/Elisha Cuthbert problem of being cast in horrible roles because they think her being pretty will save the movie. Not I said the cat.
10. Hayden Panettiere (2006 Rank: NR)
Mmmm….Hayden. How much do I love thee? Infinitly now that you are legal! I kid; Hayden made some REALLY BAD movies watchable just by her presence. Dare I even mention “ Bring It On: All Or Nothing?” Too bad she is hanging out with the No Panty Crew which is NEVER a good thing if you are young and in Hollywood. But thems the breaks.
9. Kate Winslet (2006 Rank: #1)
Yes, she is back but she is no longer my one and only! To that I would say boo, but you have to actually be seen to be admired. My baby just dropped out of the public eye completely. Mostly to be a parent which I cannot hate at all about. However, I miss my baby boo! For all the ladies that ask me (and for no apparent reason YOU ALL DO) this is the kind of body type I prefer. It pisses me off how people call her shubby because she is ON POINT. To me, anyway.
8. Sowelu (2006 Rank: 18)
KAWAIII!!!!! Every time I look at Sowelu I just want to put her in my pocket! Look at her smile. It is just the most vibrant thing ever. She also has a great voice too; not one you would expect from someone so tiny.
7. Vida Guerra (2006 Rank: 5)
Yeah, you knew she would be on here. She has done some dumb things (Trying to make music, dissing Game, TRYING TO MAKE MUSIC! DID YOU HEAR PARIS HILTON’S ALBUM?! BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T!) over the last two years and intelligence makes up a HUGE part of beauty to me but…yeah she is packing heat in the back like Dante from Devil may Cry. Yeah, sometimes I can be a perv.
6. Lucy Liu (2006 Rank: NR)
Now my love for Lucy Liu isn’t as vocal as much as it is for some of the others on here but deep inside I believe that Lucy Liu is absolutely stunning. Now people say I have a thing for Asians but as Nolan is to shallow to be racist, I am WAY TOO JADED to be racist. Anyone that doesn’t think Lucy Liu is beautiful is a douche. Yes, she looks Asian because SHE IS ASIAN. And a beautiful one at that.
5. Dulce Maria (2006 Rank: NR)
She wasn’t even on here two years ago and now she is battling for my heart. Dulce Maria and all the ladies of RBD for that matter have made my life better since seeing them for the first time at Best Buy. If you haven’t seen the show, go ahead and watch on Youtube. I’ll wait. You see. DAMN, she fine! Love the whole “mall punk chic” look. Sexy.
4. Kristen Chenoweth (2006 Rank: NR)
Now I had heard of Kristen a while back on the Tony’s (I believe the one that Nathan Lane hosted…or maybe he was just on it) and her voice just blew me away. Then I heard her in Wicked and it was all over for me. There is nothing sexier than a woman that has a sense of humor, and not in that bullshit way that women say they “like a sense of humor” to not seem shallow. I mean a Tina Fey/Jeanne Garafolo quick wit type of way and if you heard her in interviews she is not the “dumb blond” that she portrays in the cinema. Oh, and her voice is MAGICAL.
3. Hyori Lee (2006 Rank: NR)
Okay, this is where a lot of people are going to complain about how I say I don’t like skinny people and yet Hyori Lee is this high. I accept and understand your criticism. There was a time (During her “Dark Angel” album) when she looked almost healthy. ALMOST. However, once again her smile gets me. Her voice isn’t as good as her peers (Yuna Ito, Sowelu even BoA) and her dancing isn’t my cup of tea (They can’t all be Min but who can be? She is the best out right now) but dammit, she is cute as a button. I love that smile :)
2. Jackie Guerrido (2006 Rank: 8)
She makes the weather watchable. I care not what you say about her, Jackie is quite teh hawt. I have yet to figure out why all of the American weather people are either dudes or mingers because that is the only profession on the planet (aside from porn star and role-playing video game character) where I believe the people MUST be attractive, male or female. I don’t want no beast-bot telling me a storm front is coming. I want the lady on the screen to give me a storm front…in my PANTS. Jackie Guerrido does NOT disappoint.
1. Mandy Moore (2006 Rank: 6)
If you didn’t know this was going to happen, then you are a moron. There is no one on this planet more perfect than Mandy Moore. NO ONE. There isn’t a flaw about her. She can sing, act, has a smile that could melt Nazis and seems like she wouldn’t mace me. In my desperate times…that’s all it takes. I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, I can’t think of a better embodiment of femininity than Mandy Moore. She is funny and talented (as evident by “Saved” and “American Dreamz”) and is beautiful without being cut up like the North Carolina defense against Kansas on Saturday. In other words…she’s got it all:
Okay, she’s no Kristen Chenoweth but few are. I LOVE YOU, MANDY!!!!
That is all for now! I will try to be back up tomorrow as I am actually heading into the hellhole for a few hours. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Passion of Chachi Presents: The 20 Sauciest Ladies of 2008!!
Before we begin there are some ladies that I left off this year for various reasons, mainly because of lack of space. But in my eyes, they are all beautiful.
Honorable Mentions
Anahi (Being number two in RBD isn’t so bad. Well…three if you count Miguel)
Foxxi MisQ (If Destiny’s Child was Japanese and less annoying, they would be Foxxi MisQ)
Yui (Nothing is hotter than a chick playing acoustic guitar. NOTHING)
Jolin Tsai (China’s version of Kumi Koda. Which isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. 2 billion Chinese people can’t be wrong!)
Sofia Vergara (To this day, I am pissed they cancelled “Knights of Prosperity” because she made that show WORK)
Min (F2T! Too bad she is way too young for me because she is odds are the best dancer I have seen since Usher circa 2004. And she is such a cutie IN THE LEGAL WAY)
Now let’s get started!
20. Ninel Conde (2006 Rank: NR)
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If you DON’T know who she is, I can’t blame you. However, if you have seen Rebelde then you know how fine she is. The fake boobies can go away but the junk in the trunk is just….muy bueno! Oh, and the mother/daughter bikini photo shoot? The most pivotal scene in TV history. EVER
19. Yuna Ito (2006 Rank: NR)
Unless you are never listening to me or reading this blog, you know how Yuna Ito rates in my book. She is the best combination of Korean and Japanese since Bi’s last album and bulgogi & sushi. Oh, and most importantly she can fricking SING. Check out “Heart” because it is bad ass.
18. Halle Berry (2006 Rank: 10)
Yeah, I still loves me some Halle. Too bad she had to go and have herself a child because as you all know having kids aint cool. They don’t have souls. Even still, Halle seems to be way too fine to have been divorced three times. I think something may be mentally wrong with her, hence the huge plummet from two years ago.
17. Salma Hayek (2006 Rank: 7)
She had all but disappeared after having her baby until I happened to see her on “Ugly Betty” in that black bra on the elevator and all I could say was DAAAAAAAAAMN! I am not a booby man but Salma has everything and an accent that just doesn’t quit. I could have done without the unibrow in “Frida” though. CREEPY.
16. Nelly Furtado (2006 Rank: 14)
Yeah, I have to admit it right now: I am a total sucker for eyes. The color isn’t important, if a lady has striking eyes she can pretty much convince me to punt a puppy (not that it takes much). So far, Nelly Furtado is one of the few ladies on the planet with eyes to do that. Combine that with a great voice and a very alluring face (albeit she needs to fucking EAT SOMETHING!) and you have one of my many baby boo’s.
15. Aly Michalka (2006 Rank: NR)
Okay, it is confession time. I LIKED “Phil From The Future” on the Disney Channel. I actually tolerated AJ & Aly’s music and hell I even could listen to “Potential Breakup Song” without wanting to find the nearest person and shoot them in the face. That being said, the SECOND thing about a woman that gets me is the smile. Aly has a show stopping (Fuck Shawn Michaels. You don’t own space, so stop acting like you do!) smile and reminds me of a miniature Mandy Moore…just so damn CUTE!
14. Shakira (2006 Rank: #2)
Shakira falls a huge 14 places from 2006 and I feel bad for doing it. I still think she has the most awesome hips in the world and her voice still annoys the shit out of me. But getting tag-teamed on camera with your husband and a married man…whoa. I will have to investigate!
13. Kumi Koda (2006 Rank: 11)
So Kumi Koda has done a good job finding food to eat and wearing clothes over the last two years. I still think she needs to not tan so much because she doesn’t even look Japanese anymore but MY GOD can she dance. I am rather surprised by her stepping her game up after my rant in 2006 about that. Oh, and she must have been working on her voice because she has more than one range now.
12. Inoue Waka (2006 Rank: NR)
Yes…my god yes. Everytime I look at Inoue Waka I just KNOW that I have to end up in Japan. Yes, I know they all don’t look like her but better they look like her if they are shapely and small than Coco or any of the other fake ass American models we have here. To top it off, her smile is Sowelu-esque.
11. Jessica Biel (2006 Rank: 9)
You know, I moved Jessica down this year for the sole reason that she is getting a tad bit too muscular for me. If there is one thing I hate more than skinny fuckers its muscular people. I think that she is falling into that Jessica Alba/Elisha Cuthbert problem of being cast in horrible roles because they think her being pretty will save the movie. Not I said the cat.
10. Hayden Panettiere (2006 Rank: NR)
Mmmm….Hayden. How much do I love thee? Infinitly now that you are legal! I kid; Hayden made some REALLY BAD movies watchable just by her presence. Dare I even mention “ Bring It On: All Or Nothing?” Too bad she is hanging out with the No Panty Crew which is NEVER a good thing if you are young and in Hollywood. But thems the breaks.
9. Kate Winslet (2006 Rank: #1)
Yes, she is back but she is no longer my one and only! To that I would say boo, but you have to actually be seen to be admired. My baby just dropped out of the public eye completely. Mostly to be a parent which I cannot hate at all about. However, I miss my baby boo! For all the ladies that ask me (and for no apparent reason YOU ALL DO) this is the kind of body type I prefer. It pisses me off how people call her shubby because she is ON POINT. To me, anyway.
8. Sowelu (2006 Rank: 18)
KAWAIII!!!!! Every time I look at Sowelu I just want to put her in my pocket! Look at her smile. It is just the most vibrant thing ever. She also has a great voice too; not one you would expect from someone so tiny.
7. Vida Guerra (2006 Rank: 5)
Yeah, you knew she would be on here. She has done some dumb things (Trying to make music, dissing Game, TRYING TO MAKE MUSIC! DID YOU HEAR PARIS HILTON’S ALBUM?! BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T!) over the last two years and intelligence makes up a HUGE part of beauty to me but…yeah she is packing heat in the back like Dante from Devil may Cry. Yeah, sometimes I can be a perv.
6. Lucy Liu (2006 Rank: NR)
Now my love for Lucy Liu isn’t as vocal as much as it is for some of the others on here but deep inside I believe that Lucy Liu is absolutely stunning. Now people say I have a thing for Asians but as Nolan is to shallow to be racist, I am WAY TOO JADED to be racist. Anyone that doesn’t think Lucy Liu is beautiful is a douche. Yes, she looks Asian because SHE IS ASIAN. And a beautiful one at that.
5. Dulce Maria (2006 Rank: NR)
She wasn’t even on here two years ago and now she is battling for my heart. Dulce Maria and all the ladies of RBD for that matter have made my life better since seeing them for the first time at Best Buy. If you haven’t seen the show, go ahead and watch on Youtube. I’ll wait. You see. DAMN, she fine! Love the whole “mall punk chic” look. Sexy.
4. Kristen Chenoweth (2006 Rank: NR)
Now I had heard of Kristen a while back on the Tony’s (I believe the one that Nathan Lane hosted…or maybe he was just on it) and her voice just blew me away. Then I heard her in Wicked and it was all over for me. There is nothing sexier than a woman that has a sense of humor, and not in that bullshit way that women say they “like a sense of humor” to not seem shallow. I mean a Tina Fey/Jeanne Garafolo quick wit type of way and if you heard her in interviews she is not the “dumb blond” that she portrays in the cinema. Oh, and her voice is MAGICAL.
3. Hyori Lee (2006 Rank: NR)
Okay, this is where a lot of people are going to complain about how I say I don’t like skinny people and yet Hyori Lee is this high. I accept and understand your criticism. There was a time (During her “Dark Angel” album) when she looked almost healthy. ALMOST. However, once again her smile gets me. Her voice isn’t as good as her peers (Yuna Ito, Sowelu even BoA) and her dancing isn’t my cup of tea (They can’t all be Min but who can be? She is the best out right now) but dammit, she is cute as a button. I love that smile :)
2. Jackie Guerrido (2006 Rank: 8)
She makes the weather watchable. I care not what you say about her, Jackie is quite teh hawt. I have yet to figure out why all of the American weather people are either dudes or mingers because that is the only profession on the planet (aside from porn star and role-playing video game character) where I believe the people MUST be attractive, male or female. I don’t want no beast-bot telling me a storm front is coming. I want the lady on the screen to give me a storm front…in my PANTS. Jackie Guerrido does NOT disappoint.
1. Mandy Moore (2006 Rank: 6)
If you didn’t know this was going to happen, then you are a moron. There is no one on this planet more perfect than Mandy Moore. NO ONE. There isn’t a flaw about her. She can sing, act, has a smile that could melt Nazis and seems like she wouldn’t mace me. In my desperate times…that’s all it takes. I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, I can’t think of a better embodiment of femininity than Mandy Moore. She is funny and talented (as evident by “Saved” and “American Dreamz”) and is beautiful without being cut up like the North Carolina defense against Kansas on Saturday. In other words…she’s got it all:
Okay, she’s no Kristen Chenoweth but few are. I LOVE YOU, MANDY!!!!
That is all for now! I will try to be back up tomorrow as I am actually heading into the hellhole for a few hours. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Sunday, April 06, 2008
One Douchey Moment...
It is officially over! The votes have been counted and we officially have a NEW CHAMPION OF DOUCHEBRAWL! You have waited long enough and here are the results!
3rd Annual Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship
(1) Bono Defeats (1) Tom Cruise
You read that right! After two straight years of losing in the Regional Finals Bono not only gets into the Finals, he wins the whole thing! Tom Cruise’s return to Douchebrawl he ran roughshod through the competition until the Finals where Bono jumped out to a 10 vote lead but he slowly made up ground to the point where he actually trailed by only 3 votes coming into Sunday morning! However, Bono was able to hold Tom off on the final day and he wins his first Douchebrawl title! It has been a long road for Bono and his douchery knows no bounds and this year he finally earns what has eluded him for so long. We are all proud of you, Bono. Like the Kobra Kai’s before you, you’re the best…around:
Congratulations to Bono!
Your douchery is finally recognized by the peeps.
Thank you all for voting and I will see you for the 4th Annual Douchebrawl! Can Bono repeat?! See you in February of 2009!!
Chachi Out.
3rd Annual Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship
(1) Bono Defeats (1) Tom Cruise
You read that right! After two straight years of losing in the Regional Finals Bono not only gets into the Finals, he wins the whole thing! Tom Cruise’s return to Douchebrawl he ran roughshod through the competition until the Finals where Bono jumped out to a 10 vote lead but he slowly made up ground to the point where he actually trailed by only 3 votes coming into Sunday morning! However, Bono was able to hold Tom off on the final day and he wins his first Douchebrawl title! It has been a long road for Bono and his douchery knows no bounds and this year he finally earns what has eluded him for so long. We are all proud of you, Bono. Like the Kobra Kai’s before you, you’re the best…around:
Congratulations to Bono!
Your douchery is finally recognized by the peeps.
Thank you all for voting and I will see you for the 4th Annual Douchebrawl! Can Bono repeat?! See you in February of 2009!!
Chachi Out.
Who Needs Friends When You've Got Porn?
What is up, peeps?! It is a rather bleh Sunday and I am back for another update! Later on tonight we will find out the winner of Douchebrawl and it has become HELLA CLOSE after the last three days! Can Tom Cruise pull it out? Only your votes can decide!
So today I want to try something different. I have done the “Five Reason’s Why” a few times and it has been very effective in terms of being 100% correct so I think I want to run with that today for something that has been a discussion this week with a few friends of mine. Griff and I spoke about it earlier this week (As a distraction to what I would call the ultimate in douchery at work), Zach and I discussed it in the middle of this week and a female friend of mine and I spoke about this at length last week. There has been a term that has been used by (almost completely by) females for a while called their “male friends” or “platonic friends” as the French in France would say. After an interesting discussion with two people whose opinions are kind of important to me (Fuck you, Zach. “Can’t Stop This Thing We’ve Started” is the best Bryan Adams song! Both you and “Summer of 69” can go to HELL!) I finally came up with the answer to the age old question “Can men and women be friends?” The simple question to the answer is:
YES
Nothing is impossible, just look at Memphis beating UCLA on Saturday. WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT SHIT?! I don’t believe anyone saw that one coming. However, the LOGICAL answer on whether women and men can be friends is that it depends on the situation. At the base of the concept of “platonic friends” would mean that any relationship aspect would have to be removed. Since the nature of human beings is to not be alone (It’s true. Why do fucktards get married five times? It aint because of money because we are in a recession!) the relationship aspect isn’t removed as much as it is blocked. So that tension will always be there and that is a tension that is rarely seen in a same sex dynamic when it comes to friendship. I mean, I have never been attracted to any of my “male friends” (Although that “Bonnie Tyler Moment” at NDK with Nolan made our relationship awkward for a few days) and the fact that a good majority of women call and consider their male friends “male friends” AUTOMATICALLY puts them in a different category and distinction as their “female friends.” So with all that babble being added together, the REAL answer to whether men and women can truly be friends is:
YES, BUT ONLY IN TITLE.
And now….I will prove it. Let me regale you in my logic as Passion of Chachi proudly presents…
CHACHI’S FIVE REASONS WHY!
Today’s Topic: Why Men And Women Can’t Be “Friends”
This should be good. Let the hate mail commence!
Reason #1: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Women Want It Both Ways
Not in the good way either. Wait, I just watched Japanese porn and there really ISN’T a good way for both ways. It just looks like a pig on a spit….with jizz and sex toys. Ugh. Anyway, let’s look at this logically. At their core, having the coined term “male friend” or “female friend” automatically places this person in a box that means they are not like your other friends. It is like having a “Black friend” or a “white friend.” Now let’s tie this together. When a woman has a male friend it is expected for them not to be treated like they treat their male friends. You ever tried telling the same Jew joke to a woman that you do to your homies? The response is never the same. When you just look at it basically, women want their male friends to either:
1. Conform to the mold of their female friends which means you listen to their problems/bad decisions and either reaffirm that even though they were wrong that they are actually right in the dreamworld I call “Bullshitastan”
2. Be the “male voice” to their illogical processes and actions which mean either you tell them what they WANT to hear or you are a “jerk” or “bad friend.”
3. Treat them like you would your OWN girlfriend but with none of the rewards. I will go more into this later.
Better yet, I will go into that now. Men treat their friends a certain way. Now generic terms would be that men treat their friends like shit and they do if they are bros or GI’s. The simple fact is that NORMAL MEN are able to sit back and hang out without having to be the center of attention. When I go out with my MALE FRIENDS we roll together. Not in that gay way but in a way where we either interact with eachother or with other people we meet. The conversations are dyadic (Unless it is a crew) and for the most part we are on an even keel in terms of topic or knowledge. Now if you hang out with a FEMALE FRIEND the first thing you have to realize is that you are not hanging out. You are a prop. You are like Jerome to Morris Motherfucking Day:
You go where SHE wants to go and do what SHE wants to do because you are being blessed to have a female friend in your tow. That in its essence shows an unhealthy relationship on both parties’ sides. I am not honored to be in my male friends’ presence nor are they supposed to act like the little dog in the Warner Brothers cartoons when they are with me. However, in my experience (and everyone who I posed this question and situation to as well) it has been that women need to be your focal point when they are hanging out with you much like you are dating them….when you AREN’T. If you DON’T make them the focal point then you are being a poor friend because at the core of all females, no matter what they look like or personality flaws they have, they HAVE to be the center of attention due to insecurity. So a male friend is seen as a sense of feminine security for a woman because they have a male that is not trying to sex them up but STILL sees them as the focal point of their time out. On the opposite side, normal men see friendship as a dyad (or more depending on numbers) and don’t need the others to feel like they are needed or accepted. Oh, and for you women that say “Men are needy! They look to their male friends for confirmation and security all the time!” I will say I agree. They are called bros and when they are done fucking you, they fuck each other. So when you inevitably suck their wang because that isn’t sex to a woman (LAUGHABLE!)….you are performing ATM. YOU NASTY!
In Closing: Women want their male friends to be boyfriends with no relationship aspect. (More on this later)
Reason #2: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Men Want It Both Ways
Aside from bros, that is a misleading statement. Now women aren’t the only ones that fuck up the dynamic of having friends of the opposite sex. Men have fewer ISSUES in the dynamic but their issues cause the biggest PROBLEMS because they are logically inept. Most men (and I will with CONFIDENCE say 75%) see having female friends in very simple and logical means to an end:
1. Inroads Into Other Women. Literally and figuratively. Women are like cats in that they thrive and feel safe in familiar surroundings and with known people. It is true; it’s why women introduce friends to friends all the time. SCIENCE, BITCHES! Now most men (see: ALL BUT ME!) didn’t realize that so they fell dick-first into a good idea like Reese’s. A man with a female friend gets introduced to women at a higher clip than “Drinkman” and usually to a more secure female than their friend because they don’t need to have themselves validated by having a male friend that likes them for their personality instead of their vagina. You see, it sucks that I am this smart because I think myself OUT of these situations but it is better to do that then actually have to interact with people because people suck.
2. In Her Moment Of Weakness…PUT IT IN THE BUTT! This is probably the funniest of all the reasons men have female friends because sadly I have been there and when I came to my senses I was usually in the awkward situation of having to tell her no which as you know by my female (and JOB) history I have a hard time doing. A lot of men are male friends solely for the fact that at some point they believe they can hit that. Women are walking drama machines so you know at some point something is going to happen in her life that will have her self-esteem zapped completely and she will be vulnerable to the advances of the “male friend.” Everyone knows that the easiest prey to catch is one that thinks they are hunting you. She has a male friend for reaffirmation and as long as he plays to that she thinks that SHE is leading him when in reality HE is leading her. Right to some mouth love because once again….to a woman, that aint. Sex. But to the dirty male friend, a shot in your mouth is MORE than enough to validate his hunt. Now THIS can create an issue because he may still want to be friend while she thinks “We fucked so we are dating, right?” Or vice versa but that is honestly less likely.
3. Know Thy Enemy To Defeat Them On Their Own Battlefield. Now this is rare because most men are not resourceful unless it comes to hunting. Like I always say, the easiest way to win a fight is to know your opponents move before they make it and this is a good strategy. In my time I have gotten to know women by observing them in their own environment and analyizing what they do and why they do it. Now this right here USUALLY gives you what I have which is called the “Soylent Green Syndrome”:
That means that once you see observe them and find out their motis operandi, you really get spoiled to them and it makes it hard to want to be around them because you know what they do, why they do it and it ruins you to ever wanting to be with one. It also gives you a leg up on them in all arguments but it costs you because you will never be able to date one because women don’t like to argue, they like to win. Which they CAN’T logically which means you stay lonely.
You see, men aren’t inherently SMART as much as they are inherently LOGICAL. Being logical doesn’t mean being smart because if it was Steve Irwin would be alive rather than being a punch line for stingray jokes. At least his is for ME. That is why LOGICALLY a man will think that having a female friend will end up in at some point having a friend with benefits. Now women think the exact same way sometimes, but it isn’t the NORM among them because women don’t want to be known as whores. It’s kind of like how niggas don’t want to be known as “smarty-art niggas.” Now when a man decides that he wants to hit that he will pull out all the stops. Like Austin/Rock II, he will use steel chairs and whatever else is around to be able to turn that friendship into a fuckship. Damn…I’M GOOD. Now if his goal was to fuck you in the beginning, and he isn’t able to fuck you because you are running off of the “I thought we were friends” lie you led yourself to believe then he will do what any animal that’s prey has escaped or thwarted it: it will find other prey. Is it fair? No. Is it LOGICAL? Fuck yes, stop being a moron. Life sucks and so do some people.
In Closing: Men want female friends to be friends with benefits (which is stupid) because at the end of the day all you are is a boyfriend with NO benefits.
Reason #3: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….You Can’t Treat Them The Same
This ties the first two together for the most part. Now this ends up being funny because of how women expect men to treat their male friends. Now when women see men interact it is usually based on an alpha male mentality of bros, GI’s and fucktards. So women think that all men are rude, loud and obnoxious to their male friends and they expect that in turn from them so they think that by doing so that they will be able to “fit in” and be “one of the guys” which makes sense on the surface. Same as women who think that liking sports makes them a “tomboy” and easier to fit into discussions with men and makes them “friends.” Congrats, ladies. You are officially morons. Just liking hip hop doesn’t make you Black, enjoying musicals doesn’t make you gay (IT FUCKING DOESN’T! GET SOME CULTURE, BITCHES!) and knowing the difference between a skinny post and a fade route doesn’t make you a man (although I do). Just because you can talk about sports doesn’t mean you can have male friends. It means that he has a conversation point while he is staring at your tits and thinking of new ways to penetrate the zone (My innuendo is priceless).
Being a friend isn’t only about interests, it’s about knowing EACH OTHER. It is about knowing what that person likes, dislikes and their pain points. This is where the beginning of the male/female friend dynamic begins to fade. There is an emotional aspect that goes past insults and random acts of alcohol induced play violence (which usually ends in BROOOOOOOOOO!) into the realm of knowing that what a person says is in jest. Women from what I have gathered in my interactions with my friends of the female gender cannot take the way I treat them if I treat them how I REALLY treat my male friends. You see, there is some things called irony and cerebral humor. Case in point, at one point a female friend of mine was talking about going to the gym because her boyfriend was looking at other girls and she felt she was getting out of shape. Now I am SURE she wanted the “not-quite-boyfriend-but-treat me like one” response of telling her how pretty she was and that wasn’t fair of him to say. Instead….
Me: “Well….I didn’t want to say anything but you are kind of letting yourself go. I mean not everyone can be bufferelli like me but if we hit the gym we could have you looking Bi hot in no time!”
Female Friend: (LITERALLY near tears) ….how could you say that?! What kind of friend says that shit to someone?!
Other Male Friend: Hell, he said it to me yesterday. But I’m working on it, too! Check out his guns!
Female Friend: You two are dicks.
Me: Yes, but a dick with buff guns!
You see, that’s what we in the NORMAL SECTION OF SOCIETY call a fucking joke. She wasn’t fat, she was actually very attractive and fishing for sympathy which I don’t give unless it is truly needed (death in the family, break up of favorite boy band, etc.). My male friends have NEVER fished for sympathy from me and I don’t fish for it from them because first off we give it when it is needed and we do so with a dose of “what the fuck were you doing?!” I personally believe that is a healthier friendship than telling someone what they want to hear all the time because that just reinforces stupidity and that is good for NO ONE. Yet, my friendship with female friends has usually (READ: USUALLY. I don’t need no shit from any of you just quite yet. I will earn it later) been predicated on how much I will listen to the bitch about how someone (usually a man) wronged them for being stupid and how much correct advise I can give them that they don’t use and end up in the same situation.
You see, I can call Zach a fattie because he ISN’T FAT and he doesn’t get upset about it. I can call Griff a terrorist and he will laugh because he ISN’T A TERRORIST. They both call me queer because I am NOT GAY. You see my logic here? I don’t understand the emotional aspect of a female/male friend dynamic when one can treat the other any way they want to while the other has to walk on eggshells. That’s not a fucking friendship. Friendship is about consensus and understanding. Now if not actually TREATING a female friend how you treat the rest of your friends (Yes, even some other female friends can handle it) is the agreement then more power to you. Just remember, if you have a friend you treat differently they aren’t really a friend: they are an acquaintance.
In Closing: If you want to be treated (as a friend) differently because you are a woman then you are no better than the terrorists.
Reason #4: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….They Can’t Relate
This goes back to number three. Now just because you like sports and talk about tittes doesn’t make you a man. Sorry, Maxim but it doesn’t. It makes you a Neanderthal so go back to using your sticks and rocks, caveman. While you do that, I will be getting concealed weapons permit and working on legislation to legally kill you because you are nothing but blood clots on society. So women run under the assumption that if they like what guys like it makes them easier to fit in and more accepted as friends rather than lady parts. Let’s look at this logically once again. To typecast all men as sports lovers is fucking stupid. Not all men like the same sports and some of them aren’t really interested at all. So at that point you have to exit your comfort zone and as we all know, women like cats, dislike and avoid exiting their territory/comfort zone…unless they are drunk or in heat in which they will rub up on anything that doesn’t push them away. I have lived it and it is NOT COOL. Both on the cat and the woman aspect of that statement. So if as a woman you have a male friend that doesn’t fall into your stereotype of what a male should be (tittes, beer and sports) you have a hard time relating to them and that creates a very difficult dynamic, especially for the male.
Case in point. Let’s use real life examples to compare how what women THINK men like and what generic men like overlap:
What Generic Men Like:
• Boobies (Givers of life…and more overrated than Amare Stoudamire)
• Beer (Aside from Blue Moon, the nastiest substance on Earth)
• Baseball (Sports in general, which YES men like but if it is your life you really need to just shut the fuck up and play it)
• Cars (The more obnoxious and cock supplementing the better. I always say, women don’t want to fuck the guy with the car that gets great gas mileage and has a high resale value)
• Guns (Once again, can be seen as a cock replacement. Women that like guns have issues)
What Women THINK Men Like:
• Boobies (Because they have them. See, we already have something in common! Dipshits)
• Beer (To which women should never have. I think alcohol should be barred from women’s consumption altogether but I also believe they shouldn’t be allowed to vote)
• Baseball (Seriously, this is getting stupid. I like talking to women who have actually PLAYED THE GAME rather than women who watch because Tom Brady is hot. I watch Japanese women’s wrestling because I respect their sport and they PUT IN WORK:
NOT because they are hot. But I do loves me some Azumi Hyuga. DESTINY HAMMAR-OOOOO!
• Cars (Girls don’t like boys, they like cars and money. It’s true because it's science)
• Guns (Hmm. Women that like guns are usually basket cases. I am sorry, they just are)
You see? Since what women THINK men like and what the generic stereotypical male likes overlap almost 100%, women can “effectively” be friends with some males. Although you need to watch out for the Nati Ice and cheap scotch. Now look at it when I add in what my friends and I like and try to parallel that to what women THINK men like:
What I Like:
• Anime (It kicks ass and you know it. I would rather watch Death Note or Bleach over Lost or Heroes any day of the fucking week. And always do)
• Musicals/Plays (You know, I have asked women to musicals and I usually get told that it is a gay thing to do. Well, if getting a little bit of culture rather than drinking myself stupid and getting frisky with the first guy that gets you a drink is gay then sign me up. I’d rather be boyfriend and boyfriend than end up with an STD)
• J-Pop (It is not a phase. American music sucks balls and a half and at least I can only understand about 10% of it so if it does suck I don’t know it. I KNOW American music sucks because I speak the English)
• Video Games (Ladies, Halo and Call of Duty are NOT video games. Those are bro rape tools. REAL video games require more than ADD, y-axis knowledge and some douchey friends to play. Or playing a fake guitar to shitty Southern rock or waving a white phallus around. Pick up some Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and then we will talk)
Now adding that with what women THINK men like, you see a very large gap in terms of what female friends and I can relate about. Also, if there is one thing that I am noticing lately it is that men are getting stupider while my friends and I are getting smarter. The gap between our intelligence and those of our peers has gotten to the point that in just generic conversation I am speaking over their heads without even trying. Now I am not going to say I am Ozymandias or Emil Burbank but I believe that I am of above average intelligence. With that, I get told by female friends (and females in GENERAL) that I either:
1. Talk down to them
2. Talk above their heads
3. Make them feel like I am annoyed when I talk to them
4. Want to talk about things that they don’t want to talk about
5. Make them feel unintelligent (Which is a word, I guess)
6. Act pretentious (Which would be true if she knew what the word actually meant)
7. Overall just plain mean and egotistical
Since women expect a man’s brain pattern to “boobies, beer and balls…lather, rinse, repeat” whether friends or boyfriends then when you are a man that breaks that cycle it become difficult to actually interact with them or engage in any meaningful conversation without it ending in “well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree.” First off, in football when you lose 45-10 you can’t walk up to the ref and say “well, guess I will accept a tie” because you kind of….lost. In the end, unless you fit a certain mold that a female is expecting out of a male friend it becomes highly difficult to relate to them.
In Closing: Women don’t want male friends as much as they want a prototype. If you aren’t what is familiar you are either a threat to her control or an infatuation that must be tamed/conquered and that ends worse than just being a threat.
Reason #5: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Neither Knows Their Role
You know, I think back to when I was younger (1st through 5th grade or so) and I realized something. I had an even amount of friends from both sexes. We all loved videogames, we all loved cartoons and we all went outside and played at the park together with no sexual tension. Now at that age none of us KNEW what sexual tension WAS but at the same time it was a more innocent time then. Hell, my best friend for my first three years of grade school was a girl named Jessy Kim (literally…weird Korean family they were. SO THAT’S WHERE IT STARTED!) and she and I played Sega Master System and watched Jem all the time. What? She’s outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous:
Either way, even in school no one even HINTED about the fact we was “boyfriend and girlfriend” just like I wasn’t “boyfriend and boyfriend” with my other best friend Mike. You know the only people who did? Our fucking teachers. Either way, I moved overseas to Italy and I didn’t see her again until 1996 when her dad got stationed at Buckley AFB in Denver and my parents took me along to visit while they treated us like 6 year olds again and had the “we grown folks gonna listen to old school R&B and drink while you guys stay in the basement” party. You know what we did? We played Super Nintendo all evening and talked about the good old days. Just like I would do when I visited other friends from overseas with friends of mine that were dudes. So when did everything change? When did it get to the point that I couldn’t have a female friend with all the bullshit that comes along with their broken psyche?
Now here is why I say this. In college, I had female friends and aside from one (which did NOT end well and most of you know about her) we stayed JUST FRIENDS. Some were single, some were married, some were lesbians (who were honestly some of my best friends period) but at the end of the day the dynamic I had with them then is nothing like I have with my female friends now. Back then, I wasn’t a free psychiatrist that had to literally drill knowledge into a female friends head so I could focus the conversation on something (or fuck, ANYTHING) else aside from how they constantly go through the same motions even though they know the motions are bad. It is like always telling someone to not cut the zone in basketball when they have no post game. You either work on the game in practice until you feel it can work in a game-time situation or you go with your strengths. However, it seems that is never what happens and “hanging out” with females ends up being a futile attempt to teach a puppy QUANTUM-FUCKING-PHYSICS!
When it comes to a friendship, I think that it is the only emotional dynamic that men do BETTER than women because males think of friendships LOGICALLY. Follow my lead here. Usually the sole reason men are friends with other men is that they have something in common. If they hang out and realize that all they have in common is that one thing then they only have that friend when they want to do that ONE THING. I am not going to hang with my friends that don’t like sports and make them watch college football with me. In contrast, a lot of my friends like to go to the gun range and I am not a fan of just so they don’t ask me to go. Now I am in a weird boat because aside for a few things my friends and I all enjoy the same hobbies (video games, manga, anime, showtunes, Zac Efron, etc.) so it works but women on the other hand will hang out with a friend in a place that they DO NOT want to take that friend to and that will put a strain on their friendship. That at its core is an illogical action because it ends in tension that could easily be avoided.
Now the think we all know and seems to be unsaid is that a male friend to a female is NOT allowed to say JACKSHIT. You are literally there for the ride that is her not having to cavort like the Greeks of old with her female friends that either she doesn’t like or are less reliable than she is. A big reason for this is because normally a female will find a male friend that they know will protect them whether it’s because they want to fuck them in the ass or they are generally concerned about them. Women don’t care, just as long as there is someone to pick their drunken ass off the bar after they fall from dancing to “Redneck Woman” because bitches love that song. Guess what? Redneck women get their KNOCKED UP and KNOCKED OUT. Remember that. Back to the point, most men are protective to the point that they won’t let a female friend go home with a random dude and for that she will usually say in a staggering and drunken state “You are such a good friend!” as she vomits on your shoe. Women need security and familiar surroundings and that is exactly why you are there. I PERSONALLY believe it is your own life and if you want to fuck a random dude then knock yourself out and be the best whore you can be, just don’t deny that you are one after the fact. There is a reason why women invite their male friends out while boyfriends take their girlfriends out. Women see and invite as something they have to return and they either don’t want to be known as “that type of girl” or they don’t care and will use men for whatever they can get out of them in which more power to you; I am sure your mother is proud and that is what is EXACTLY what she fought for when she wanted the right to vote, go into the military and get equal pay for equal work. You are a trendsetter.
Back to the point. At the end of the day, a major issue why men and women can’t be friends is that both keep on fucking up the roles of “friend.”
Women see a “male friend” as:
• An unpaid psychiatrist that either must tell them what they want to hear or just console
• A source of affirmation for poor decisions that they have already made
• A crying shoulder for shit they have already been told how to fix
• Someone they can be drunk and act like they do with their female friends
• A male point of view that has to fit her preconceived notion of how a man will respond
• Someone so she can say “I have platonic male friends!”
• A person she can use as a threat to her boyfriend/husband to keep him in line (Bitch!)
MOST MEN see a “female friend” as:
• An easy way to meet other (usually hotter and sluttier) women
• Six Long Island Iced Teas and a pity party away from being open to anal sex
• A pair of tits to look at during commercial breaks during the NFC Championship Game
• A talking batch of ladyparts
Meanwhile, I see a “female friend” as:
• A friend that they can treat like they do every one of their “male friends” (Which is never the case. All this time women wanted equality and they want to be treated different as kids? Rosa Parks and Joan Of Arc are rolling in their graves!)
• Someone too fucked up to date (I kid, I kid! Besides, all women are too fucked up to date. LE BURN!)
• Forced on them as the wife/fiancée/girlfriend of their best friend (Nothing personal, you are just taking away my homie)
In Closing: A friend is a friend, male or female. I consider all my friends the same whether male, female, cat or dog. Well, not Sasquatch. For Sasquatch, the rules are different. Aside from that, it is irrational to treat your female friends any different than you do your male friends especially in a dynamic where the scales are tipped to heavily to one side (where the woman is just being used for sex or where the man is just being used for repeated and consistent emotional support….or sex which is what I would prefer). The reason men and women can’t USUALLY (READ AGAIN FOR YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS THAT DON’T PAY ATTENTION. USUALLY!!) can’t be friends is that an inter-gender friendship, just like a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, is a relationship that has to be built off of trust, understanding and consensus. Just like an unhealthy relationship, an unhealthy friendship can happen if one doesn’t treat the other party fairly or relies on them too much for support. A friendship is about three little words:
SKID ROW BRO
Understand that a friendship is a dynamic and you will be able to have a friend of the opposite sex without feeling like you are being lusted after unrequitedly by someone not interested in your friendship as much as they are being inside you. You can also be happy knowing that your friend isn’t just using you for emotional support that you cannot continue to give if they don’t listen or act accordingly. If you get those down, you too could have an inter-gender click you can call your own:
Undergrads, bitches! WHAT?! Damn, that was a doozy. I hope all of you enjoyed it and learned something. If not….eh, that’s life.
The new Douchebrawl Champ will be crowned in 4 hours!!!
Chachi Out.
So today I want to try something different. I have done the “Five Reason’s Why” a few times and it has been very effective in terms of being 100% correct so I think I want to run with that today for something that has been a discussion this week with a few friends of mine. Griff and I spoke about it earlier this week (As a distraction to what I would call the ultimate in douchery at work), Zach and I discussed it in the middle of this week and a female friend of mine and I spoke about this at length last week. There has been a term that has been used by (almost completely by) females for a while called their “male friends” or “platonic friends” as the French in France would say. After an interesting discussion with two people whose opinions are kind of important to me (Fuck you, Zach. “Can’t Stop This Thing We’ve Started” is the best Bryan Adams song! Both you and “Summer of 69” can go to HELL!) I finally came up with the answer to the age old question “Can men and women be friends?” The simple question to the answer is:
YES
Nothing is impossible, just look at Memphis beating UCLA on Saturday. WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT SHIT?! I don’t believe anyone saw that one coming. However, the LOGICAL answer on whether women and men can be friends is that it depends on the situation. At the base of the concept of “platonic friends” would mean that any relationship aspect would have to be removed. Since the nature of human beings is to not be alone (It’s true. Why do fucktards get married five times? It aint because of money because we are in a recession!) the relationship aspect isn’t removed as much as it is blocked. So that tension will always be there and that is a tension that is rarely seen in a same sex dynamic when it comes to friendship. I mean, I have never been attracted to any of my “male friends” (Although that “Bonnie Tyler Moment” at NDK with Nolan made our relationship awkward for a few days) and the fact that a good majority of women call and consider their male friends “male friends” AUTOMATICALLY puts them in a different category and distinction as their “female friends.” So with all that babble being added together, the REAL answer to whether men and women can truly be friends is:
YES, BUT ONLY IN TITLE.
And now….I will prove it. Let me regale you in my logic as Passion of Chachi proudly presents…
CHACHI’S FIVE REASONS WHY!
Today’s Topic: Why Men And Women Can’t Be “Friends”
This should be good. Let the hate mail commence!
Reason #1: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Women Want It Both Ways
Not in the good way either. Wait, I just watched Japanese porn and there really ISN’T a good way for both ways. It just looks like a pig on a spit….with jizz and sex toys. Ugh. Anyway, let’s look at this logically. At their core, having the coined term “male friend” or “female friend” automatically places this person in a box that means they are not like your other friends. It is like having a “Black friend” or a “white friend.” Now let’s tie this together. When a woman has a male friend it is expected for them not to be treated like they treat their male friends. You ever tried telling the same Jew joke to a woman that you do to your homies? The response is never the same. When you just look at it basically, women want their male friends to either:
1. Conform to the mold of their female friends which means you listen to their problems/bad decisions and either reaffirm that even though they were wrong that they are actually right in the dreamworld I call “Bullshitastan”
2. Be the “male voice” to their illogical processes and actions which mean either you tell them what they WANT to hear or you are a “jerk” or “bad friend.”
3. Treat them like you would your OWN girlfriend but with none of the rewards. I will go more into this later.
Better yet, I will go into that now. Men treat their friends a certain way. Now generic terms would be that men treat their friends like shit and they do if they are bros or GI’s. The simple fact is that NORMAL MEN are able to sit back and hang out without having to be the center of attention. When I go out with my MALE FRIENDS we roll together. Not in that gay way but in a way where we either interact with eachother or with other people we meet. The conversations are dyadic (Unless it is a crew) and for the most part we are on an even keel in terms of topic or knowledge. Now if you hang out with a FEMALE FRIEND the first thing you have to realize is that you are not hanging out. You are a prop. You are like Jerome to Morris Motherfucking Day:
You go where SHE wants to go and do what SHE wants to do because you are being blessed to have a female friend in your tow. That in its essence shows an unhealthy relationship on both parties’ sides. I am not honored to be in my male friends’ presence nor are they supposed to act like the little dog in the Warner Brothers cartoons when they are with me. However, in my experience (and everyone who I posed this question and situation to as well) it has been that women need to be your focal point when they are hanging out with you much like you are dating them….when you AREN’T. If you DON’T make them the focal point then you are being a poor friend because at the core of all females, no matter what they look like or personality flaws they have, they HAVE to be the center of attention due to insecurity. So a male friend is seen as a sense of feminine security for a woman because they have a male that is not trying to sex them up but STILL sees them as the focal point of their time out. On the opposite side, normal men see friendship as a dyad (or more depending on numbers) and don’t need the others to feel like they are needed or accepted. Oh, and for you women that say “Men are needy! They look to their male friends for confirmation and security all the time!” I will say I agree. They are called bros and when they are done fucking you, they fuck each other. So when you inevitably suck their wang because that isn’t sex to a woman (LAUGHABLE!)….you are performing ATM. YOU NASTY!
In Closing: Women want their male friends to be boyfriends with no relationship aspect. (More on this later)
Reason #2: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Men Want It Both Ways
Aside from bros, that is a misleading statement. Now women aren’t the only ones that fuck up the dynamic of having friends of the opposite sex. Men have fewer ISSUES in the dynamic but their issues cause the biggest PROBLEMS because they are logically inept. Most men (and I will with CONFIDENCE say 75%) see having female friends in very simple and logical means to an end:
1. Inroads Into Other Women. Literally and figuratively. Women are like cats in that they thrive and feel safe in familiar surroundings and with known people. It is true; it’s why women introduce friends to friends all the time. SCIENCE, BITCHES! Now most men (see: ALL BUT ME!) didn’t realize that so they fell dick-first into a good idea like Reese’s. A man with a female friend gets introduced to women at a higher clip than “Drinkman” and usually to a more secure female than their friend because they don’t need to have themselves validated by having a male friend that likes them for their personality instead of their vagina. You see, it sucks that I am this smart because I think myself OUT of these situations but it is better to do that then actually have to interact with people because people suck.
2. In Her Moment Of Weakness…PUT IT IN THE BUTT! This is probably the funniest of all the reasons men have female friends because sadly I have been there and when I came to my senses I was usually in the awkward situation of having to tell her no which as you know by my female (and JOB) history I have a hard time doing. A lot of men are male friends solely for the fact that at some point they believe they can hit that. Women are walking drama machines so you know at some point something is going to happen in her life that will have her self-esteem zapped completely and she will be vulnerable to the advances of the “male friend.” Everyone knows that the easiest prey to catch is one that thinks they are hunting you. She has a male friend for reaffirmation and as long as he plays to that she thinks that SHE is leading him when in reality HE is leading her. Right to some mouth love because once again….to a woman, that aint. Sex. But to the dirty male friend, a shot in your mouth is MORE than enough to validate his hunt. Now THIS can create an issue because he may still want to be friend while she thinks “We fucked so we are dating, right?” Or vice versa but that is honestly less likely.
3. Know Thy Enemy To Defeat Them On Their Own Battlefield. Now this is rare because most men are not resourceful unless it comes to hunting. Like I always say, the easiest way to win a fight is to know your opponents move before they make it and this is a good strategy. In my time I have gotten to know women by observing them in their own environment and analyizing what they do and why they do it. Now this right here USUALLY gives you what I have which is called the “Soylent Green Syndrome”:
That means that once you see observe them and find out their motis operandi, you really get spoiled to them and it makes it hard to want to be around them because you know what they do, why they do it and it ruins you to ever wanting to be with one. It also gives you a leg up on them in all arguments but it costs you because you will never be able to date one because women don’t like to argue, they like to win. Which they CAN’T logically which means you stay lonely.
You see, men aren’t inherently SMART as much as they are inherently LOGICAL. Being logical doesn’t mean being smart because if it was Steve Irwin would be alive rather than being a punch line for stingray jokes. At least his is for ME. That is why LOGICALLY a man will think that having a female friend will end up in at some point having a friend with benefits. Now women think the exact same way sometimes, but it isn’t the NORM among them because women don’t want to be known as whores. It’s kind of like how niggas don’t want to be known as “smarty-art niggas.” Now when a man decides that he wants to hit that he will pull out all the stops. Like Austin/Rock II, he will use steel chairs and whatever else is around to be able to turn that friendship into a fuckship. Damn…I’M GOOD. Now if his goal was to fuck you in the beginning, and he isn’t able to fuck you because you are running off of the “I thought we were friends” lie you led yourself to believe then he will do what any animal that’s prey has escaped or thwarted it: it will find other prey. Is it fair? No. Is it LOGICAL? Fuck yes, stop being a moron. Life sucks and so do some people.
In Closing: Men want female friends to be friends with benefits (which is stupid) because at the end of the day all you are is a boyfriend with NO benefits.
Reason #3: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….You Can’t Treat Them The Same
This ties the first two together for the most part. Now this ends up being funny because of how women expect men to treat their male friends. Now when women see men interact it is usually based on an alpha male mentality of bros, GI’s and fucktards. So women think that all men are rude, loud and obnoxious to their male friends and they expect that in turn from them so they think that by doing so that they will be able to “fit in” and be “one of the guys” which makes sense on the surface. Same as women who think that liking sports makes them a “tomboy” and easier to fit into discussions with men and makes them “friends.” Congrats, ladies. You are officially morons. Just liking hip hop doesn’t make you Black, enjoying musicals doesn’t make you gay (IT FUCKING DOESN’T! GET SOME CULTURE, BITCHES!) and knowing the difference between a skinny post and a fade route doesn’t make you a man (although I do). Just because you can talk about sports doesn’t mean you can have male friends. It means that he has a conversation point while he is staring at your tits and thinking of new ways to penetrate the zone (My innuendo is priceless).
Being a friend isn’t only about interests, it’s about knowing EACH OTHER. It is about knowing what that person likes, dislikes and their pain points. This is where the beginning of the male/female friend dynamic begins to fade. There is an emotional aspect that goes past insults and random acts of alcohol induced play violence (which usually ends in BROOOOOOOOOO!) into the realm of knowing that what a person says is in jest. Women from what I have gathered in my interactions with my friends of the female gender cannot take the way I treat them if I treat them how I REALLY treat my male friends. You see, there is some things called irony and cerebral humor. Case in point, at one point a female friend of mine was talking about going to the gym because her boyfriend was looking at other girls and she felt she was getting out of shape. Now I am SURE she wanted the “not-quite-boyfriend-but-treat me like one” response of telling her how pretty she was and that wasn’t fair of him to say. Instead….
Me: “Well….I didn’t want to say anything but you are kind of letting yourself go. I mean not everyone can be bufferelli like me but if we hit the gym we could have you looking Bi hot in no time!”
Female Friend: (LITERALLY near tears) ….how could you say that?! What kind of friend says that shit to someone?!
Other Male Friend: Hell, he said it to me yesterday. But I’m working on it, too! Check out his guns!
Female Friend: You two are dicks.
Me: Yes, but a dick with buff guns!
You see, that’s what we in the NORMAL SECTION OF SOCIETY call a fucking joke. She wasn’t fat, she was actually very attractive and fishing for sympathy which I don’t give unless it is truly needed (death in the family, break up of favorite boy band, etc.). My male friends have NEVER fished for sympathy from me and I don’t fish for it from them because first off we give it when it is needed and we do so with a dose of “what the fuck were you doing?!” I personally believe that is a healthier friendship than telling someone what they want to hear all the time because that just reinforces stupidity and that is good for NO ONE. Yet, my friendship with female friends has usually (READ: USUALLY. I don’t need no shit from any of you just quite yet. I will earn it later) been predicated on how much I will listen to the bitch about how someone (usually a man) wronged them for being stupid and how much correct advise I can give them that they don’t use and end up in the same situation.
You see, I can call Zach a fattie because he ISN’T FAT and he doesn’t get upset about it. I can call Griff a terrorist and he will laugh because he ISN’T A TERRORIST. They both call me queer because I am NOT GAY. You see my logic here? I don’t understand the emotional aspect of a female/male friend dynamic when one can treat the other any way they want to while the other has to walk on eggshells. That’s not a fucking friendship. Friendship is about consensus and understanding. Now if not actually TREATING a female friend how you treat the rest of your friends (Yes, even some other female friends can handle it) is the agreement then more power to you. Just remember, if you have a friend you treat differently they aren’t really a friend: they are an acquaintance.
In Closing: If you want to be treated (as a friend) differently because you are a woman then you are no better than the terrorists.
Reason #4: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….They Can’t Relate
This goes back to number three. Now just because you like sports and talk about tittes doesn’t make you a man. Sorry, Maxim but it doesn’t. It makes you a Neanderthal so go back to using your sticks and rocks, caveman. While you do that, I will be getting concealed weapons permit and working on legislation to legally kill you because you are nothing but blood clots on society. So women run under the assumption that if they like what guys like it makes them easier to fit in and more accepted as friends rather than lady parts. Let’s look at this logically once again. To typecast all men as sports lovers is fucking stupid. Not all men like the same sports and some of them aren’t really interested at all. So at that point you have to exit your comfort zone and as we all know, women like cats, dislike and avoid exiting their territory/comfort zone…unless they are drunk or in heat in which they will rub up on anything that doesn’t push them away. I have lived it and it is NOT COOL. Both on the cat and the woman aspect of that statement. So if as a woman you have a male friend that doesn’t fall into your stereotype of what a male should be (tittes, beer and sports) you have a hard time relating to them and that creates a very difficult dynamic, especially for the male.
Case in point. Let’s use real life examples to compare how what women THINK men like and what generic men like overlap:
What Generic Men Like:
• Boobies (Givers of life…and more overrated than Amare Stoudamire)
• Beer (Aside from Blue Moon, the nastiest substance on Earth)
• Baseball (Sports in general, which YES men like but if it is your life you really need to just shut the fuck up and play it)
• Cars (The more obnoxious and cock supplementing the better. I always say, women don’t want to fuck the guy with the car that gets great gas mileage and has a high resale value)
• Guns (Once again, can be seen as a cock replacement. Women that like guns have issues)
What Women THINK Men Like:
• Boobies (Because they have them. See, we already have something in common! Dipshits)
• Beer (To which women should never have. I think alcohol should be barred from women’s consumption altogether but I also believe they shouldn’t be allowed to vote)
• Baseball (Seriously, this is getting stupid. I like talking to women who have actually PLAYED THE GAME rather than women who watch because Tom Brady is hot. I watch Japanese women’s wrestling because I respect their sport and they PUT IN WORK:
NOT because they are hot. But I do loves me some Azumi Hyuga. DESTINY HAMMAR-OOOOO!
• Cars (Girls don’t like boys, they like cars and money. It’s true because it's science)
• Guns (Hmm. Women that like guns are usually basket cases. I am sorry, they just are)
You see? Since what women THINK men like and what the generic stereotypical male likes overlap almost 100%, women can “effectively” be friends with some males. Although you need to watch out for the Nati Ice and cheap scotch. Now look at it when I add in what my friends and I like and try to parallel that to what women THINK men like:
What I Like:
• Anime (It kicks ass and you know it. I would rather watch Death Note or Bleach over Lost or Heroes any day of the fucking week. And always do)
• Musicals/Plays (You know, I have asked women to musicals and I usually get told that it is a gay thing to do. Well, if getting a little bit of culture rather than drinking myself stupid and getting frisky with the first guy that gets you a drink is gay then sign me up. I’d rather be boyfriend and boyfriend than end up with an STD)
• J-Pop (It is not a phase. American music sucks balls and a half and at least I can only understand about 10% of it so if it does suck I don’t know it. I KNOW American music sucks because I speak the English)
• Video Games (Ladies, Halo and Call of Duty are NOT video games. Those are bro rape tools. REAL video games require more than ADD, y-axis knowledge and some douchey friends to play. Or playing a fake guitar to shitty Southern rock or waving a white phallus around. Pick up some Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and then we will talk)
Now adding that with what women THINK men like, you see a very large gap in terms of what female friends and I can relate about. Also, if there is one thing that I am noticing lately it is that men are getting stupider while my friends and I are getting smarter. The gap between our intelligence and those of our peers has gotten to the point that in just generic conversation I am speaking over their heads without even trying. Now I am not going to say I am Ozymandias or Emil Burbank but I believe that I am of above average intelligence. With that, I get told by female friends (and females in GENERAL) that I either:
1. Talk down to them
2. Talk above their heads
3. Make them feel like I am annoyed when I talk to them
4. Want to talk about things that they don’t want to talk about
5. Make them feel unintelligent (Which is a word, I guess)
6. Act pretentious (Which would be true if she knew what the word actually meant)
7. Overall just plain mean and egotistical
Since women expect a man’s brain pattern to “boobies, beer and balls…lather, rinse, repeat” whether friends or boyfriends then when you are a man that breaks that cycle it become difficult to actually interact with them or engage in any meaningful conversation without it ending in “well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree.” First off, in football when you lose 45-10 you can’t walk up to the ref and say “well, guess I will accept a tie” because you kind of….lost. In the end, unless you fit a certain mold that a female is expecting out of a male friend it becomes highly difficult to relate to them.
In Closing: Women don’t want male friends as much as they want a prototype. If you aren’t what is familiar you are either a threat to her control or an infatuation that must be tamed/conquered and that ends worse than just being a threat.
Reason #5: Men And Women Cannot Be Friends Because….Neither Knows Their Role
You know, I think back to when I was younger (1st through 5th grade or so) and I realized something. I had an even amount of friends from both sexes. We all loved videogames, we all loved cartoons and we all went outside and played at the park together with no sexual tension. Now at that age none of us KNEW what sexual tension WAS but at the same time it was a more innocent time then. Hell, my best friend for my first three years of grade school was a girl named Jessy Kim (literally…weird Korean family they were. SO THAT’S WHERE IT STARTED!) and she and I played Sega Master System and watched Jem all the time. What? She’s outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous:
Either way, even in school no one even HINTED about the fact we was “boyfriend and girlfriend” just like I wasn’t “boyfriend and boyfriend” with my other best friend Mike. You know the only people who did? Our fucking teachers. Either way, I moved overseas to Italy and I didn’t see her again until 1996 when her dad got stationed at Buckley AFB in Denver and my parents took me along to visit while they treated us like 6 year olds again and had the “we grown folks gonna listen to old school R&B and drink while you guys stay in the basement” party. You know what we did? We played Super Nintendo all evening and talked about the good old days. Just like I would do when I visited other friends from overseas with friends of mine that were dudes. So when did everything change? When did it get to the point that I couldn’t have a female friend with all the bullshit that comes along with their broken psyche?
Now here is why I say this. In college, I had female friends and aside from one (which did NOT end well and most of you know about her) we stayed JUST FRIENDS. Some were single, some were married, some were lesbians (who were honestly some of my best friends period) but at the end of the day the dynamic I had with them then is nothing like I have with my female friends now. Back then, I wasn’t a free psychiatrist that had to literally drill knowledge into a female friends head so I could focus the conversation on something (or fuck, ANYTHING) else aside from how they constantly go through the same motions even though they know the motions are bad. It is like always telling someone to not cut the zone in basketball when they have no post game. You either work on the game in practice until you feel it can work in a game-time situation or you go with your strengths. However, it seems that is never what happens and “hanging out” with females ends up being a futile attempt to teach a puppy QUANTUM-FUCKING-PHYSICS!
When it comes to a friendship, I think that it is the only emotional dynamic that men do BETTER than women because males think of friendships LOGICALLY. Follow my lead here. Usually the sole reason men are friends with other men is that they have something in common. If they hang out and realize that all they have in common is that one thing then they only have that friend when they want to do that ONE THING. I am not going to hang with my friends that don’t like sports and make them watch college football with me. In contrast, a lot of my friends like to go to the gun range and I am not a fan of just so they don’t ask me to go. Now I am in a weird boat because aside for a few things my friends and I all enjoy the same hobbies (video games, manga, anime, showtunes, Zac Efron, etc.) so it works but women on the other hand will hang out with a friend in a place that they DO NOT want to take that friend to and that will put a strain on their friendship. That at its core is an illogical action because it ends in tension that could easily be avoided.
Now the think we all know and seems to be unsaid is that a male friend to a female is NOT allowed to say JACKSHIT. You are literally there for the ride that is her not having to cavort like the Greeks of old with her female friends that either she doesn’t like or are less reliable than she is. A big reason for this is because normally a female will find a male friend that they know will protect them whether it’s because they want to fuck them in the ass or they are generally concerned about them. Women don’t care, just as long as there is someone to pick their drunken ass off the bar after they fall from dancing to “Redneck Woman” because bitches love that song. Guess what? Redneck women get their KNOCKED UP and KNOCKED OUT. Remember that. Back to the point, most men are protective to the point that they won’t let a female friend go home with a random dude and for that she will usually say in a staggering and drunken state “You are such a good friend!” as she vomits on your shoe. Women need security and familiar surroundings and that is exactly why you are there. I PERSONALLY believe it is your own life and if you want to fuck a random dude then knock yourself out and be the best whore you can be, just don’t deny that you are one after the fact. There is a reason why women invite their male friends out while boyfriends take their girlfriends out. Women see and invite as something they have to return and they either don’t want to be known as “that type of girl” or they don’t care and will use men for whatever they can get out of them in which more power to you; I am sure your mother is proud and that is what is EXACTLY what she fought for when she wanted the right to vote, go into the military and get equal pay for equal work. You are a trendsetter.
Back to the point. At the end of the day, a major issue why men and women can’t be friends is that both keep on fucking up the roles of “friend.”
Women see a “male friend” as:
• An unpaid psychiatrist that either must tell them what they want to hear or just console
• A source of affirmation for poor decisions that they have already made
• A crying shoulder for shit they have already been told how to fix
• Someone they can be drunk and act like they do with their female friends
• A male point of view that has to fit her preconceived notion of how a man will respond
• Someone so she can say “I have platonic male friends!”
• A person she can use as a threat to her boyfriend/husband to keep him in line (Bitch!)
MOST MEN see a “female friend” as:
• An easy way to meet other (usually hotter and sluttier) women
• Six Long Island Iced Teas and a pity party away from being open to anal sex
• A pair of tits to look at during commercial breaks during the NFC Championship Game
• A talking batch of ladyparts
Meanwhile, I see a “female friend” as:
• A friend that they can treat like they do every one of their “male friends” (Which is never the case. All this time women wanted equality and they want to be treated different as kids? Rosa Parks and Joan Of Arc are rolling in their graves!)
• Someone too fucked up to date (I kid, I kid! Besides, all women are too fucked up to date. LE BURN!)
• Forced on them as the wife/fiancée/girlfriend of their best friend (Nothing personal, you are just taking away my homie)
In Closing: A friend is a friend, male or female. I consider all my friends the same whether male, female, cat or dog. Well, not Sasquatch. For Sasquatch, the rules are different. Aside from that, it is irrational to treat your female friends any different than you do your male friends especially in a dynamic where the scales are tipped to heavily to one side (where the woman is just being used for sex or where the man is just being used for repeated and consistent emotional support….or sex which is what I would prefer). The reason men and women can’t USUALLY (READ AGAIN FOR YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS THAT DON’T PAY ATTENTION. USUALLY!!) can’t be friends is that an inter-gender friendship, just like a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, is a relationship that has to be built off of trust, understanding and consensus. Just like an unhealthy relationship, an unhealthy friendship can happen if one doesn’t treat the other party fairly or relies on them too much for support. A friendship is about three little words:
SKID ROW BRO
Understand that a friendship is a dynamic and you will be able to have a friend of the opposite sex without feeling like you are being lusted after unrequitedly by someone not interested in your friendship as much as they are being inside you. You can also be happy knowing that your friend isn’t just using you for emotional support that you cannot continue to give if they don’t listen or act accordingly. If you get those down, you too could have an inter-gender click you can call your own:
Undergrads, bitches! WHAT?! Damn, that was a doozy. I hope all of you enjoyed it and learned something. If not….eh, that’s life.
The new Douchebrawl Champ will be crowned in 4 hours!!!
Chachi Out.
Friday, April 04, 2008
It's Ladies Night! Every Friday...Damn It, Where Is Bi?!
You know what time it is, so lets get started! It’s time for the….
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We start off with a video that has been residing in the bottom half seemingly on its way out!
20. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
So after a short stint in the Top 20, Kid Sister looks to be falling off this week. It is weird because I have seen her all over MTV but with the same song….over and over again. It is like Lil’ Mama but a tad less annoying.
19. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #17)
It seems that HAMC is also on its way out. It was a good run for their first official time on the Countdown. Maybe “Flashback” can make it on?
18. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #20)
The Boyz are back and moving up this week! They may not be the Japanese version of CRS but they sound a little better since their first foray into hip hop. I could do without Busta but you can’t win them all.
17. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (New Entry)
Kanye is back once again! This time he brings along Chris Martin from Coldplay and I am not sure what to think about that. But I love the song and the video is brilliant in its simplicity. It is good to have Ye back!
16. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #15)
Mr. Morrison falls another spot this week as his momentum seems to have slowed down officially. I haven’t heard much new from him so I am getting kind of worried. I thought thiw was the start of something big.
15. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #14)
UVERworld falls back a spot this week as they begin their slow descent down the chart. It has been a slow year for them video-wise but I am still all about their album.
14. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #16)
Big ups to Lupe! This video is now officially one of my favorites as it moves up two big spots this week. I just got the acoustic version of “Superstar” and although I have yet to hear it I am sure it is bad ass.
13. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #12)
The first of two legends falling this week! Nelly has been a mainstay in the Top Three but as of late has struggled to hit the top spot. Maybe if she gave me a new album….
12. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #10)
Se above. John Legend REALLY needs a new album as his came out before Nelly Furtado’s if I am not mistaken. Unless he releases “Again” it’s time for some new work.
11. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #13)
The Arc is moving on up! They are looking for their third Top Ten video and I think this is the best SONG from them in a long time. I like the video for “SEVENTH HEAVEN” better but this song is awesome!
10. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #8, Four Weeks at #1)
We are in the Top 10 as CRS falls but stays inside the Top 10. With Kanye, Lupe and Pharrell all on the Countdown with other videos it looks like they aren’t going to be too sad about this. This video was dominant earlier this year and we may have a battle between Kanye and Lupe for Artist of the Year.
9. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #11)
The Roots band is making history! Seeing as this is their first video since…2005 they are making their first entry on the Countdown count! Reportedly the new single will be out this month and the album will be out in May which means Yui and The Roots will be out at about the same time. I am no longer upset, peeps.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #7)
Hearts Grow falls a spot this week as their momentum seems to have slowed down. They haven’t released an album and they really keep a low profile so I can’t see them any darn where!
7. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #9)
Yui is looking at dominating 2008, or at least the spring of 2008. She has two videos moving up the Countdown and it will be interesting to hear how the rest of the album sounds at the end of this month. Frontrunner for Album of the Year along with Lupe Fiasco? We will see!
6. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #4)
After coming so close to taking the top spot from Bennie K, RBD falls another two spots and out of the Top Five. I am hoping for a return to Denver because I am still kind of pissed they never did their show here. THEY WENT TO FRICKING FRESNO! Damn them.
5. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #6)
We are into the Top Five as Foxxi MisQ makes their return! The sexy ladies are looking for their first number one video after two failed attempts last summer. Can they finally take the top spot and earn their place among the previous greats?
4. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #5)
Miss Badu is moving up! She is inching toward the top as she makes her return to music after a long wait. Getting above the next three videos will be hard as they have five number one videos between them. If anyone is up for the task, it is Erykah.
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #2)
NEW MIHIMARU GT VIDEO! It is from a movie that I have no information on but it looks pretty damn good. Sadly, their current video falls a spot this week as it is unable to take down Bennie K or hold off the momentum of our number two video.
2. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #3)
Yui is back! She is one step away ONCE AGAIN from the top spot! Both “My Generation” and “Love & Truth” made it to number two before failing to take down the number one video each time. Can she finally get her third number one? To do so she will have to do what CRS, RBD and Mihimaru GT could not!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Five Weeks at #1)
Bennie K has made it a cool FIVE WEEKS AT NUMBER ONE! I just got a subtitled copy of Binbo Denshi and it looks pretty good so far. You know who else looks good? Cico. That is one fine, fine lady right there. Bennie K have been the most dominant artist of 2008 and it looks like they will be for a while to come! Congratulations!
That is all for now! Can Bennie K hold on to the top spot for a sixth week in a row? Or will Yui take her crown back as Queen of the Countdown? Or will Erykah Badu get her first number one video? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Tonight I am going to see some improv performed by a friend of mine from work. It’s funny stuff! Let me know if you are interested, it’s off of Platte and Murray where the King Soopers used to be. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We start off with a video that has been residing in the bottom half seemingly on its way out!
20. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
So after a short stint in the Top 20, Kid Sister looks to be falling off this week. It is weird because I have seen her all over MTV but with the same song….over and over again. It is like Lil’ Mama but a tad less annoying.
19. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #17)
It seems that HAMC is also on its way out. It was a good run for their first official time on the Countdown. Maybe “Flashback” can make it on?
18. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (Last Week #20)
The Boyz are back and moving up this week! They may not be the Japanese version of CRS but they sound a little better since their first foray into hip hop. I could do without Busta but you can’t win them all.
17. Kanye West feat. Chris Martin – Homecoming (New Entry)
Kanye is back once again! This time he brings along Chris Martin from Coldplay and I am not sure what to think about that. But I love the song and the video is brilliant in its simplicity. It is good to have Ye back!
16. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #15)
Mr. Morrison falls another spot this week as his momentum seems to have slowed down officially. I haven’t heard much new from him so I am getting kind of worried. I thought thiw was the start of something big.
15. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #14)
UVERworld falls back a spot this week as they begin their slow descent down the chart. It has been a slow year for them video-wise but I am still all about their album.
14. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #16)
Big ups to Lupe! This video is now officially one of my favorites as it moves up two big spots this week. I just got the acoustic version of “Superstar” and although I have yet to hear it I am sure it is bad ass.
13. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #12)
The first of two legends falling this week! Nelly has been a mainstay in the Top Three but as of late has struggled to hit the top spot. Maybe if she gave me a new album….
12. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #10)
Se above. John Legend REALLY needs a new album as his came out before Nelly Furtado’s if I am not mistaken. Unless he releases “Again” it’s time for some new work.
11. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #13)
The Arc is moving on up! They are looking for their third Top Ten video and I think this is the best SONG from them in a long time. I like the video for “SEVENTH HEAVEN” better but this song is awesome!
10. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #8, Four Weeks at #1)
We are in the Top 10 as CRS falls but stays inside the Top 10. With Kanye, Lupe and Pharrell all on the Countdown with other videos it looks like they aren’t going to be too sad about this. This video was dominant earlier this year and we may have a battle between Kanye and Lupe for Artist of the Year.
9. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #11)
The Roots band is making history! Seeing as this is their first video since…2005 they are making their first entry on the Countdown count! Reportedly the new single will be out this month and the album will be out in May which means Yui and The Roots will be out at about the same time. I am no longer upset, peeps.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #7)
Hearts Grow falls a spot this week as their momentum seems to have slowed down. They haven’t released an album and they really keep a low profile so I can’t see them any darn where!
7. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #9)
Yui is looking at dominating 2008, or at least the spring of 2008. She has two videos moving up the Countdown and it will be interesting to hear how the rest of the album sounds at the end of this month. Frontrunner for Album of the Year along with Lupe Fiasco? We will see!
6. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #4)
After coming so close to taking the top spot from Bennie K, RBD falls another two spots and out of the Top Five. I am hoping for a return to Denver because I am still kind of pissed they never did their show here. THEY WENT TO FRICKING FRESNO! Damn them.
5. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #6)
We are into the Top Five as Foxxi MisQ makes their return! The sexy ladies are looking for their first number one video after two failed attempts last summer. Can they finally take the top spot and earn their place among the previous greats?
4. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #5)
Miss Badu is moving up! She is inching toward the top as she makes her return to music after a long wait. Getting above the next three videos will be hard as they have five number one videos between them. If anyone is up for the task, it is Erykah.
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #2)
NEW MIHIMARU GT VIDEO! It is from a movie that I have no information on but it looks pretty damn good. Sadly, their current video falls a spot this week as it is unable to take down Bennie K or hold off the momentum of our number two video.
2. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #3)
Yui is back! She is one step away ONCE AGAIN from the top spot! Both “My Generation” and “Love & Truth” made it to number two before failing to take down the number one video each time. Can she finally get her third number one? To do so she will have to do what CRS, RBD and Mihimaru GT could not!
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Five Weeks at #1)
Bennie K has made it a cool FIVE WEEKS AT NUMBER ONE! I just got a subtitled copy of Binbo Denshi and it looks pretty good so far. You know who else looks good? Cico. That is one fine, fine lady right there. Bennie K have been the most dominant artist of 2008 and it looks like they will be for a while to come! Congratulations!
That is all for now! Can Bennie K hold on to the top spot for a sixth week in a row? Or will Yui take her crown back as Queen of the Countdown? Or will Erykah Badu get her first number one video? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Tonight I am going to see some improv performed by a friend of mine from work. It’s funny stuff! Let me know if you are interested, it’s off of Platte and Murray where the King Soopers used to be. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Two Words: KEEP IT REAL!
What is up, peeps?! I am back after a brief one day hiatus (Margaritas fucking rule. That is all, I don’t care if it is a gay drink) and I am happy to say I have landed on my feet. A few call backs and an interview already so things are going alright. Not from the specific job I WANT but you cant win them all. Its about who you know, not what you know and I am living proof of that shit.
So today I am going to do something rather rare. Usually I get on here and I rant or I call women stupid or Black people stupid and as we all know I have been very good at that. However, I am not going to do that today. I am actually going to tell you about someone that has done more for me in only five months of knowing him than anyone else that isn’t related to me. Oh, and hasn’t let me crash on a couch drunk. This man is hands down my favorite manager ever. Bar none.
This person took a chance on me when no one else would. I was in a weird situation at my previous/current/previous/now current again (NEW HAPPENINGS!) employer where I needed to have VP approval to return. I interviewed for six jobs in which I was told SPECIFICALLY that they wanted me on their team but they did not want to go through the process of getting the signatures. I understand that rules are rules no matter how shitty but that is fucking stupid. So several times I had to go through the rigmarole of pulled offer letters and broken promises before finally, at the urging of another friend and former teammate, this man took a chance on me. He put HIS name and HIS reputation on the line to bring me in because he believed in me. Now I have a reputation around this company of being….a man of extremes. I am either joking around and having fun or I am digging in someone’s ass for not doing their job correctly and that is looked at as being very….well, crazy. You know what? He didn’t care. I have only had one other manager tell me that he/she believed in me and sincerely mean it and he was one of them. I may seem like a jaded, foul-mouthed, disrespectful prick but that meant a lot to me. More than any award or accolade I ever received from anyone else because I know damn well he meant it.
It wasn’t how he treated me that made me happy to work for him or made me post this. It was how he treated EVERYONE. He has been with said company for almost 10 years and he has worked for, with and over a LOT of people. You know what? I never found anyone that said a negative thing about him. NO ONE. Now you know damn well you know five people that don’t like YOU right now (Hell, I can name ten people off top of head that don’t like me. IN THIS ROOM!) so you know how difficult it is to make a good impression on people. Even with that difficulty, everyone I ever met that knew him said that he was the best manager or the best teammate they ever had. That is real talk right there. HIP HOP LINGO! I know for a fact that when I told people I was working for him they all said “He’s freaking awesome” or “You have a great leader in your corner” which made me happy to come to work everyday. Not for the company because I trust them less than R.Kelly at an 8th grade Sadie Hawkins Day dance with video equipment and 10 gallons of water. I worked, and his team worked…for him.
We respected him. Now I cannot speak for everyone and for anonymity reasons I keep names out except the people you already know (Or are on my friends list on MySpace in which you know the rules. My friends are fair game to my wrath!) but I can honestly say that there isn’t a person on my team that didn’t enjoy working for the man. Hell, other teams begged to come to his team because of how awesome a unit he had put together and how great of a manager and leader (Two separate things no matter what your directors say) he was. His employees respected him, peers respected him and most importantly those above him USED THE HELL OUT OF HIM. We all know that in corporate America when people abuse you for your skill and use your ideas as their own that sadly it is a sign that you are doing a great job.
Not going to go into specifics but needless to say no matter how great you are people will do anything to save themselves. When put in a corner you see the best out of people and you also see how spineless, cowardly and overall douchebagish people can be. He got screwed over and I will leave it at that. I will say this though and leave it at that: more people think highly of this man than want to bitchslap those in charge. Trust me; if anyone needed a bitchslap it was those asshats. More people asked about his wellbeing than I have ever known after what happened. That is a sign of respect and admiration that very few will ever have from me. I am talking David Hasselhoff/The Rock/Optimus Prime respect. Okay…maybe not Optimus Prime:
Sorry, NO BODY TOPS PRIME! Still mark out for this scene 20 plus years later! Man…that is totally a recap of what happened to him. CORPORATE AMERICA IS MEGATRON….but no where near as badass. Oh, back to the point. I want to end this with one statement someone told me: “He brought me in and I don’t want to work for anyone else.”
That says more about him than anything else I could type so I will end it with that. That is dedication. That is well past ballin. That is….Burtonesque.
Okay, I was just looking for a reason to put a “Big Trouble In Little China” clip up. Jack Burton is the man and you know it. I had to put something up about how I felt because he deserves it. Much like I deserve me some Mandy Moore but…not until she lifts that restraining order. The law is a cruel, cruel mistress. I will be back up tomorrow. Stay up, peeps.
AND 28 MORE DAYS UNTIL IRON MAN!
Chachi Out.
So today I am going to do something rather rare. Usually I get on here and I rant or I call women stupid or Black people stupid and as we all know I have been very good at that. However, I am not going to do that today. I am actually going to tell you about someone that has done more for me in only five months of knowing him than anyone else that isn’t related to me. Oh, and hasn’t let me crash on a couch drunk. This man is hands down my favorite manager ever. Bar none.
This person took a chance on me when no one else would. I was in a weird situation at my previous/current/previous/now current again (NEW HAPPENINGS!) employer where I needed to have VP approval to return. I interviewed for six jobs in which I was told SPECIFICALLY that they wanted me on their team but they did not want to go through the process of getting the signatures. I understand that rules are rules no matter how shitty but that is fucking stupid. So several times I had to go through the rigmarole of pulled offer letters and broken promises before finally, at the urging of another friend and former teammate, this man took a chance on me. He put HIS name and HIS reputation on the line to bring me in because he believed in me. Now I have a reputation around this company of being….a man of extremes. I am either joking around and having fun or I am digging in someone’s ass for not doing their job correctly and that is looked at as being very….well, crazy. You know what? He didn’t care. I have only had one other manager tell me that he/she believed in me and sincerely mean it and he was one of them. I may seem like a jaded, foul-mouthed, disrespectful prick but that meant a lot to me. More than any award or accolade I ever received from anyone else because I know damn well he meant it.
It wasn’t how he treated me that made me happy to work for him or made me post this. It was how he treated EVERYONE. He has been with said company for almost 10 years and he has worked for, with and over a LOT of people. You know what? I never found anyone that said a negative thing about him. NO ONE. Now you know damn well you know five people that don’t like YOU right now (Hell, I can name ten people off top of head that don’t like me. IN THIS ROOM!) so you know how difficult it is to make a good impression on people. Even with that difficulty, everyone I ever met that knew him said that he was the best manager or the best teammate they ever had. That is real talk right there. HIP HOP LINGO! I know for a fact that when I told people I was working for him they all said “He’s freaking awesome” or “You have a great leader in your corner” which made me happy to come to work everyday. Not for the company because I trust them less than R.Kelly at an 8th grade Sadie Hawkins Day dance with video equipment and 10 gallons of water. I worked, and his team worked…for him.
We respected him. Now I cannot speak for everyone and for anonymity reasons I keep names out except the people you already know (Or are on my friends list on MySpace in which you know the rules. My friends are fair game to my wrath!) but I can honestly say that there isn’t a person on my team that didn’t enjoy working for the man. Hell, other teams begged to come to his team because of how awesome a unit he had put together and how great of a manager and leader (Two separate things no matter what your directors say) he was. His employees respected him, peers respected him and most importantly those above him USED THE HELL OUT OF HIM. We all know that in corporate America when people abuse you for your skill and use your ideas as their own that sadly it is a sign that you are doing a great job.
Not going to go into specifics but needless to say no matter how great you are people will do anything to save themselves. When put in a corner you see the best out of people and you also see how spineless, cowardly and overall douchebagish people can be. He got screwed over and I will leave it at that. I will say this though and leave it at that: more people think highly of this man than want to bitchslap those in charge. Trust me; if anyone needed a bitchslap it was those asshats. More people asked about his wellbeing than I have ever known after what happened. That is a sign of respect and admiration that very few will ever have from me. I am talking David Hasselhoff/The Rock/Optimus Prime respect. Okay…maybe not Optimus Prime:
Sorry, NO BODY TOPS PRIME! Still mark out for this scene 20 plus years later! Man…that is totally a recap of what happened to him. CORPORATE AMERICA IS MEGATRON….but no where near as badass. Oh, back to the point. I want to end this with one statement someone told me: “He brought me in and I don’t want to work for anyone else.”
That says more about him than anything else I could type so I will end it with that. That is dedication. That is well past ballin. That is….Burtonesque.
Okay, I was just looking for a reason to put a “Big Trouble In Little China” clip up. Jack Burton is the man and you know it. I had to put something up about how I felt because he deserves it. Much like I deserve me some Mandy Moore but…not until she lifts that restraining order. The law is a cruel, cruel mistress. I will be back up tomorrow. Stay up, peeps.
AND 28 MORE DAYS UNTIL IRON MAN!
Chachi Out.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
You Spin Me Right Round....Into Putting My Foot In Your Dumb Ass.
I am so back! After a pretty shitty day yesterday, today picked up as I shouldn’t be down for too long. Even though I am not sure I am going to stay where I am at, it is good to have options and it is even better to have friends. With that being said, it is totally time for a good old fashioned rant. It has been a while since I teed about something that genuinely pissed me off but it is about time for this because it has been making me want to buy a gun and shoot people in the face for a while now.
IF YOU CAN NOT USE A ROUNDABOUT, GO ANOTHER WAY!
First off, I don’t want to blame the assholes as much as I want to blame planning and the Department of Transportation because you cannot put something that involves any thought in Colorado Springs. I mean the British use them and they can’t even fix their teeth. The only people that can’t use a roundabout are The Griswalds.
In a town full of Jesus freaks, bros, dumb bitches, niggas, brain dead enlisted Army, a gaggle of old people and of course migrant Mexicans (NO ES BUENO!) you really can’t expect them to grasp a concept as SIMPLE AS A FUCKING ROUNDABOUT! It’s like putting a library in a goddamn dog park: sure it looks nice but what in the flying fuck is a dog going to do with a bunch of books they can’t read? Books to dogs are just like condoms to a Catholic or Catholicism to the real world: FUCKING USELESS AND OVERALL IRRELEVANT.
With that being said, the usage of a roundabout is simple if you have two brain cells to rub the hell together. Now with most people in this city NOT having that simple perquisite I can understand how they could get caught in one or just flat out stop in the middle of one. When you do that, those that CAN use a roundabout should be able to beat you into a coma with sticks because much like niggas and rednecks do to society, you are halting progress with your dipshitery. Oooohhh, I like that one. This is the simple process of a roundabout:
It is simple. If you COME IN the outside lane (unless there is no one in the roundabout at all in which I say go fucking nuts with the lane shifts but a Brit will gouge your eyes out and fill your skull with a pint), you will EXIT from the outside lane. You NEVER cross lanes unless you have to or you are ready to get your ass whooped on. It is that simple. So what is so hard for people to get about this process?! How many times have you been cut off by a fuckwad in the roundabout or has someone not yielded to traffic because they are a fucking simpleton? How can you fuck up driving in a circle?! Don’t most of you inbred fucks in Colorado love NASCAR?! IT IS ALL ABOUT DRIVING IN A FUCKING CIRCLE! You should be Vikings on those things!
As nice as they look, they don’t belong here because Americans are dumb. I mean, Americans can’t even beat Japanese video games without having them dumbed down, how in the hell can we master DRIVING IN THE REAL WORLD? Since they are here to stay, I suggest you learn to use them correctly, people. I will not hesitate to break my foot off in your ass for not using one correctly.
That is all for now. Just a quick rant because….well, people here are fucking stupid and this had to be said. Now if you excuse me, Patton Oswalt is on and he is fucking hilarious. Peace out, I will try to be back up tomorrow. Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
IF YOU CAN NOT USE A ROUNDABOUT, GO ANOTHER WAY!
First off, I don’t want to blame the assholes as much as I want to blame planning and the Department of Transportation because you cannot put something that involves any thought in Colorado Springs. I mean the British use them and they can’t even fix their teeth. The only people that can’t use a roundabout are The Griswalds.
In a town full of Jesus freaks, bros, dumb bitches, niggas, brain dead enlisted Army, a gaggle of old people and of course migrant Mexicans (NO ES BUENO!) you really can’t expect them to grasp a concept as SIMPLE AS A FUCKING ROUNDABOUT! It’s like putting a library in a goddamn dog park: sure it looks nice but what in the flying fuck is a dog going to do with a bunch of books they can’t read? Books to dogs are just like condoms to a Catholic or Catholicism to the real world: FUCKING USELESS AND OVERALL IRRELEVANT.
With that being said, the usage of a roundabout is simple if you have two brain cells to rub the hell together. Now with most people in this city NOT having that simple perquisite I can understand how they could get caught in one or just flat out stop in the middle of one. When you do that, those that CAN use a roundabout should be able to beat you into a coma with sticks because much like niggas and rednecks do to society, you are halting progress with your dipshitery. Oooohhh, I like that one. This is the simple process of a roundabout:
It is simple. If you COME IN the outside lane (unless there is no one in the roundabout at all in which I say go fucking nuts with the lane shifts but a Brit will gouge your eyes out and fill your skull with a pint), you will EXIT from the outside lane. You NEVER cross lanes unless you have to or you are ready to get your ass whooped on. It is that simple. So what is so hard for people to get about this process?! How many times have you been cut off by a fuckwad in the roundabout or has someone not yielded to traffic because they are a fucking simpleton? How can you fuck up driving in a circle?! Don’t most of you inbred fucks in Colorado love NASCAR?! IT IS ALL ABOUT DRIVING IN A FUCKING CIRCLE! You should be Vikings on those things!
As nice as they look, they don’t belong here because Americans are dumb. I mean, Americans can’t even beat Japanese video games without having them dumbed down, how in the hell can we master DRIVING IN THE REAL WORLD? Since they are here to stay, I suggest you learn to use them correctly, people. I will not hesitate to break my foot off in your ass for not using one correctly.
That is all for now. Just a quick rant because….well, people here are fucking stupid and this had to be said. Now if you excuse me, Patton Oswalt is on and he is fucking hilarious. Peace out, I will try to be back up tomorrow. Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Is It Because I Burned The Roast?!
What is up, bitches! I am back and boy does life suck! Yes…yes it does.
So I have some good news and bad news. First off….the bad news. I got laid off. The abusive wife that is my job has once again slapped me for not having dinner ready and I was pretty much shown the door. It happens, not much you can do but just roll with the punches. They kind of beat me before I had a chance to say “screw you guys, I’m going over here!” so you live and learn….again….and then a third time.
The good news is that I will get back on my feet rather quickly because I know people because….hell I get laid off every 2 years or so anyway. You meet a lot of good people that way and sometimes people are down to help you out. That’s what makes America great: poor business decisions that lead to people having to be recycled back in. God bless corporate America and their disconnect from their intended market.
However, I am currently exploring new avenues in hope of getting the hell out of Dodge (er….Colorado Springs) because this place blows ass. Luckily this moment in douchery will give me some time (give or take five months but definitely sooner) to get a plan of how in the hell to pull a great escape. Don’t worry; the blog isn’t going to suffer any. I will still be here for the peeps. Hell, getting laid off is what started this in the first place. Memories…
Well, that is the first and will be the only time you hear me reference “Cats” on this blog. Now in a way, I am, surprisingly hurt by this whole situation. I know that shit happens but at the end of the day the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Yet, whenever I think about it the logic seems that a certain sect of people cannot afford to ball out of control with their polar bear driven chariots so no one can ball at all. When I started my new job something hit me that first morning I went in. I had spent eight years working in a corporate setting (middle management that has to justify its job by fucking with you, pointless reports and metrics that 'justify' your worth to the company, cubicles, pointless 'rah-rah' meetings where they spew rhetoric about 'believing is achieving' not knowing that Jesus actually hated salespeople and other bullshit like that) and I must say, that there is a real big disconnect between that world and the real world. You see, working in a corporate position is a lot like being in a cult. You REALLY have to suspend belief on the...rational and buy into rhetoric and spin that is just high level bullshit. Let's be real, peeps. It is all a game. Many of you reader (all six of you) have seen movies like Boiler Room, Wall Street and Glenn Gary Ross. I have seen those movies at request of two of my previous managers and I wanted to gouge out their eyes and use their skulls as spit bucket. And I dont even fucking chew. I'm not a moral or even a NICE person (ask my friends, they can vouch for that) but to be a person like some of the characters in those movies just isn't natural. I hate that fucking environment. That is a culture that breeds disloyalty among employees and asshatery among employers. You know why I think corporate American succeeds so much?
1. They have killed company loyalty. Now people argue this that have been working for a company for more than 5 years and I respect their point of view, you have been there for a while. The days of a company taking care of you for life are over. They know it; we as employees know it (and if you don't you FUCKING SHOULD) and they know that we know that they know it. Business is a machine and people are cogs. They can find a cog to replace you at any point. Whether you leave or they let you go, you are not too valuable to be replaced by someone willing to do the job cheaper. That goes for any position; I'm living proof on both sides. They decided that my work could be done better by someone external that can play both ends of the field (not in a gay way) so when it all comes down to it, with compensation driving behavior, they will go with what is easiest. Trust me, I have seen it once and I will see it again. It’s life.
2. The Drinking of the Kool-Aid. I hate this shit. If you sit in a meeting and you don't understand that you are being shoveled shit and spin then you are an idiot. Now you can choose to believe it or not (I honestly believe in nothing but it still annoys me) but like your fucking God you keep it out of my zone. If i don't want to believe I don't fucking have to. All I have to do is do my job to its description, not listen to people quote the Book of Sales and Bullshit to me verbatum. You know the people I am talking about, too. The guy that believes everything that the management team says about the money you can make or the fact it’s a numbers game. First off, the goal of a company is to pay just enough to get you to work a little bit harder. Incentives are created to behoove the company first, the employees second. So no matter how good the benefits/commissions/bonuses are, as soon as they see that is isn't beneficial for the company you better believe that shit will change. Secondly, EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING NUMBERS GAME! You know what else is a numbers game? Getting an STD. If you fuck enough people, you are bound to get a painful wart or blue flames with shoot out when you piss. Which brings me to the big one.
3. The Promise of More Money. I REALLY hate this shit. Z and I had this discussion when he was working for the man and they asked him why doesn't money motivate him. People look at you like you are fucking insane when you say money isn't your biggest motivator for taking a job. Now no one wants to work for free. There was a War that wasn't quite Civil about it. No one wants to be underpaid either. That just sucks (trust me, I have been there and that is almost worse than not being paid at-fucking-all) it dry. However, I am in the WRONG fucking line of work because money isn't why I go to work every day. As long as my bills are paid, my parents are good and my dog is fed I'm happy. I want to go to work, do something I ENJOY DOING for 8-10 hours (yeah, I will work a ten hour day if I LIKE THE FUCKING JOB) and get paid fairly for it. I also have no need to strive for more if I don't like what I do. You know, if you made 1 million dollars a year, but you had to be anally raped for 30 minutes every hour on the hour for 12 hours a day, would you be happy with your job? Is money really worth it? Hells no unless you like that kind of thing and to each their own. Not I said the cat.
I would go into the disconnect from reality that big business has, but that is more of another rant. Congratulations to Corporate America. For staying in your own reality and brainwashing your employees, you officially create a culture of distrust and cynicism.
Okay…..maybe I am a LITTLE bitter. But hey, I knew what I was getting into when I signed up so I have no one to blame but myself. I knew she was abusive and I feel for her when she bought me flowers and said she was sorry. She also got me flowers….I like flowers. Everything seemed to be going fine and WHAM! She had a bad quarter and she took it out on me. I just have to take responsibility for my mistake and know that they never change. Sing it, Tina:
Maybe after all of this I will win a Grammy and have a movie about my life starring Zac Efron. I can dream, right? I will be back up later this week. Be sure to vote in Douchebrawl, Bono is CRUSHING Tom Cruise right now! Stay up and vote!
Chachi Out.
So I have some good news and bad news. First off….the bad news. I got laid off. The abusive wife that is my job has once again slapped me for not having dinner ready and I was pretty much shown the door. It happens, not much you can do but just roll with the punches. They kind of beat me before I had a chance to say “screw you guys, I’m going over here!” so you live and learn….again….and then a third time.
The good news is that I will get back on my feet rather quickly because I know people because….hell I get laid off every 2 years or so anyway. You meet a lot of good people that way and sometimes people are down to help you out. That’s what makes America great: poor business decisions that lead to people having to be recycled back in. God bless corporate America and their disconnect from their intended market.
However, I am currently exploring new avenues in hope of getting the hell out of Dodge (er….Colorado Springs) because this place blows ass. Luckily this moment in douchery will give me some time (give or take five months but definitely sooner) to get a plan of how in the hell to pull a great escape. Don’t worry; the blog isn’t going to suffer any. I will still be here for the peeps. Hell, getting laid off is what started this in the first place. Memories…
Well, that is the first and will be the only time you hear me reference “Cats” on this blog. Now in a way, I am, surprisingly hurt by this whole situation. I know that shit happens but at the end of the day the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Yet, whenever I think about it the logic seems that a certain sect of people cannot afford to ball out of control with their polar bear driven chariots so no one can ball at all. When I started my new job something hit me that first morning I went in. I had spent eight years working in a corporate setting (middle management that has to justify its job by fucking with you, pointless reports and metrics that 'justify' your worth to the company, cubicles, pointless 'rah-rah' meetings where they spew rhetoric about 'believing is achieving' not knowing that Jesus actually hated salespeople and other bullshit like that) and I must say, that there is a real big disconnect between that world and the real world. You see, working in a corporate position is a lot like being in a cult. You REALLY have to suspend belief on the...rational and buy into rhetoric and spin that is just high level bullshit. Let's be real, peeps. It is all a game. Many of you reader (all six of you) have seen movies like Boiler Room, Wall Street and Glenn Gary Ross. I have seen those movies at request of two of my previous managers and I wanted to gouge out their eyes and use their skulls as spit bucket. And I dont even fucking chew. I'm not a moral or even a NICE person (ask my friends, they can vouch for that) but to be a person like some of the characters in those movies just isn't natural. I hate that fucking environment. That is a culture that breeds disloyalty among employees and asshatery among employers. You know why I think corporate American succeeds so much?
1. They have killed company loyalty. Now people argue this that have been working for a company for more than 5 years and I respect their point of view, you have been there for a while. The days of a company taking care of you for life are over. They know it; we as employees know it (and if you don't you FUCKING SHOULD) and they know that we know that they know it. Business is a machine and people are cogs. They can find a cog to replace you at any point. Whether you leave or they let you go, you are not too valuable to be replaced by someone willing to do the job cheaper. That goes for any position; I'm living proof on both sides. They decided that my work could be done better by someone external that can play both ends of the field (not in a gay way) so when it all comes down to it, with compensation driving behavior, they will go with what is easiest. Trust me, I have seen it once and I will see it again. It’s life.
2. The Drinking of the Kool-Aid. I hate this shit. If you sit in a meeting and you don't understand that you are being shoveled shit and spin then you are an idiot. Now you can choose to believe it or not (I honestly believe in nothing but it still annoys me) but like your fucking God you keep it out of my zone. If i don't want to believe I don't fucking have to. All I have to do is do my job to its description, not listen to people quote the Book of Sales and Bullshit to me verbatum. You know the people I am talking about, too. The guy that believes everything that the management team says about the money you can make or the fact it’s a numbers game. First off, the goal of a company is to pay just enough to get you to work a little bit harder. Incentives are created to behoove the company first, the employees second. So no matter how good the benefits/commissions/bonuses are, as soon as they see that is isn't beneficial for the company you better believe that shit will change. Secondly, EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING NUMBERS GAME! You know what else is a numbers game? Getting an STD. If you fuck enough people, you are bound to get a painful wart or blue flames with shoot out when you piss. Which brings me to the big one.
3. The Promise of More Money. I REALLY hate this shit. Z and I had this discussion when he was working for the man and they asked him why doesn't money motivate him. People look at you like you are fucking insane when you say money isn't your biggest motivator for taking a job. Now no one wants to work for free. There was a War that wasn't quite Civil about it. No one wants to be underpaid either. That just sucks (trust me, I have been there and that is almost worse than not being paid at-fucking-all) it dry. However, I am in the WRONG fucking line of work because money isn't why I go to work every day. As long as my bills are paid, my parents are good and my dog is fed I'm happy. I want to go to work, do something I ENJOY DOING for 8-10 hours (yeah, I will work a ten hour day if I LIKE THE FUCKING JOB) and get paid fairly for it. I also have no need to strive for more if I don't like what I do. You know, if you made 1 million dollars a year, but you had to be anally raped for 30 minutes every hour on the hour for 12 hours a day, would you be happy with your job? Is money really worth it? Hells no unless you like that kind of thing and to each their own. Not I said the cat.
I would go into the disconnect from reality that big business has, but that is more of another rant. Congratulations to Corporate America. For staying in your own reality and brainwashing your employees, you officially create a culture of distrust and cynicism.
Okay…..maybe I am a LITTLE bitter. But hey, I knew what I was getting into when I signed up so I have no one to blame but myself. I knew she was abusive and I feel for her when she bought me flowers and said she was sorry. She also got me flowers….I like flowers. Everything seemed to be going fine and WHAM! She had a bad quarter and she took it out on me. I just have to take responsibility for my mistake and know that they never change. Sing it, Tina:
Maybe after all of this I will win a Grammy and have a movie about my life starring Zac Efron. I can dream, right? I will be back up later this week. Be sure to vote in Douchebrawl, Bono is CRUSHING Tom Cruise right now! Stay up and vote!
Chachi Out.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
We Will Have A New Champ!!!
What is up peeps? It is a beautiful Sunday and after last nights Denver escursion all I can say is that next Saturday it is PARTY TIME! Just got paid and I am ready to roll! But first, we have some business to attend to.
We are down to two, ladies and gentlemen. We began with 64 participants fighthing it out for the crown of Douchebrawl Champion. After tonight, we are left with the final two that will battle it out for douche supremacy. Who will have it out for the Douchebrawl Championship? Let’s find out!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Semi-Finals
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Defeats
(3) Kevin Federline (2008 Asshat Region Winner)
The King of Douche has returned! Tom Cruise dominates his eleventh straight opponent by double digits and his sixth straight victory by more than 50%! Tom took down K-Fed who for the third straight year loses in the National Semi-Finals of Douchebrawl. It takes a lot to get here and he always faces off against the doucheiest of the douche so we have to give him his props. Even still, he loses to the man! So we have one finalist, who will Tom Cruise face? Bono or Lindsay Lohan?
(1) Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
Defeats
(1) Lindsay Lohan (2008 Trollop Region Winner)
It was close, and once again a tie-breaker was need for Lindsay’s second straight match-up but this time it did NOT work in her favor! Bono ends Lindsay’s winning streak and keeps her from making it back-to-back Douchebrawl Championships! Not only that Bono has ended his own streak in impressive fashion by going all the way to the finals, defeating the defending champ! After coming close the previous two years, Bono is going to the last dance! And he has one HELL of a dance partner!
So we are all set! The finalists are in place and after a full month and a half of voting it all comes down to this. The two biggest douches in all of douchedom battling it out for the grandest prize of them all: The Douchebrawl Championship. So here is the final matchup!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship Finals:
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Vs.
(1)Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
It is now set! The poll will be up soon and ready for your votes! Stay up and I will try to be back up tomorrow!
Chachi Out!
We are down to two, ladies and gentlemen. We began with 64 participants fighthing it out for the crown of Douchebrawl Champion. After tonight, we are left with the final two that will battle it out for douche supremacy. Who will have it out for the Douchebrawl Championship? Let’s find out!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Semi-Finals
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Defeats
(3) Kevin Federline (2008 Asshat Region Winner)
The King of Douche has returned! Tom Cruise dominates his eleventh straight opponent by double digits and his sixth straight victory by more than 50%! Tom took down K-Fed who for the third straight year loses in the National Semi-Finals of Douchebrawl. It takes a lot to get here and he always faces off against the doucheiest of the douche so we have to give him his props. Even still, he loses to the man! So we have one finalist, who will Tom Cruise face? Bono or Lindsay Lohan?
(1) Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
Defeats
(1) Lindsay Lohan (2008 Trollop Region Winner)
It was close, and once again a tie-breaker was need for Lindsay’s second straight match-up but this time it did NOT work in her favor! Bono ends Lindsay’s winning streak and keeps her from making it back-to-back Douchebrawl Championships! Not only that Bono has ended his own streak in impressive fashion by going all the way to the finals, defeating the defending champ! After coming close the previous two years, Bono is going to the last dance! And he has one HELL of a dance partner!
So we are all set! The finalists are in place and after a full month and a half of voting it all comes down to this. The two biggest douches in all of douchedom battling it out for the grandest prize of them all: The Douchebrawl Championship. So here is the final matchup!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship Finals:
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Vs.
(1)Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
It is now set! The poll will be up soon and ready for your votes! Stay up and I will try to be back up tomorrow!
Chachi Out!
Friday, March 28, 2008
America....You Are Awesome!
You know what time it is! So let’s just get to it! It’s Friday so let’s GET IT ON!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with the long awaited return of a Japanese hip hop supergroup!
20. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (New Entry)
After over a year and a half of being off the radar, Llmari, VERBAL, Ryo-Z and Wise get back together to drop another video! They bought along Busta Buss who gave a “meh” verse and Pharrell who supplied the beat. It is about damn time you all came back!
19. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #18, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa avoids falling off the Countdown this week, holding on to the number 19 position. Nothing new from her yet…and I am going through withdrawal. Just a little.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #17)
Kid Sister falls a spot this week as she stays in the lower half of the Countdown. This song is beginning to lose its luster with me….
17. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #15)
HAMC falls another two spots this week as I am listening to their album and needless to say….they sound a little too much like Evanescence. Not like that is a BAD thing, but you know.
16. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #19)
Still pissed off that Warner Music is blocking this video from Youtube. I don’t want to go to your shitty site to see a Lupe Fiasco video. Not going to happen. Still a great song with a cameo by Bun-B!
15. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
Mr. Morrison falls a spot this week as he remains muddled in the middle of the chart. Hard to catch this video anywhere, which is one of the main reasons for it stalling here. Hope for something new soon!
14. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #12)
So I was kind of hoping the new Bleach theme would have came from UVERworld. As rocking as Yui, Aqua Timez, Beat Crusaders and Asian Kung Fu Generation were, “D-Technolife” is the best of the bunch. However, Kelun is no slouch so as soon as the video is out for it….they will be on here.
13. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #16)
The Arc is moving on up! They look for their third Top Ten video and it looks like maybe a greatest hits compilation is coming. HELLS…..YES.
12. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #10)
Nelly has fallen from the Top 10! I said it once and I will say it again. Give me something new, please? I loved “Loose” but it is time to get back in the lab.
11. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #13)
So they are dropping the Patrick Stump single and video. Poor response, I guess. I think this a single for The Roots would be just outside of the box enough to garner some serious spins. Just a thought.
10. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #7)
Mr. Legend falls three places after failing for the second time in a row to take the number one spot. Same with Ms. Furtado. Loved “Once Again” but we need some new stuff. It came out in 2006!
9. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #11)
Well, Yui once again has two videos in the upper half! Last time this happened, she didn’t make it to the top….can she change her fortune?
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #5, Four Weeks at #1)
With all three members of CRS (minus Thom Yorke because unless Radiohead does a song with Boston they will NEVER be on here) having new videos and two currently on, I don’t feel so bad about this one falling from the Top 5.
7. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
Hearts Grow is slowly moving up once again, stepping up a spot this week. Not sure what is going on here, no date for an album and they don’t really hype themselves from what I can find on the interweb. Damn you!
6. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #9)
Foxxi MisQ is making moves! They are a step away from their third Top Five video in a year, which is good work seeing as how they just debuted last year. Oh….and they are hawt. That is all.
5. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #6)
Ms. Badu’s return brings her to the top quarter of the Countdown! Her album debuted at number two on Billboard so maybe she can get the number one spot here? She has some tough competition here!
4. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
After two weeks as runner up, RBD falls two spots this week. I really am not a fan of their last album but this song is one of the awesome spots on the cd. I would prefer a better attempt at an English album but that is a pipedream. We are left with three!
3. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #4)
And we begin the Top Three with a familiar face! With six Top Ten’s under her belt, You now has her fifth Top Three video…which ties her with John Legend for the record! Now that she is back, can she take down those above her?
2. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
They are one step away! After a long journey, Mihimaru GT is one step away from their second number one video! They have a new single coming in April and supposedly a new album in early summer (June) so I will be HELLA HAPPY! But with this duo at number two, another duo is at number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)
….For a fourth straight week! Bennie K holds it down for a full month and ties CRS for the longest running number one video of 2008! It has been a while since they were this high and they are holding on tight! Congratulations, ladies! Oh….and Yuki, I love you!
That is all for this week! Can Bennie K make it five weeks at number one and break into the lead for the Video of the Year? Or will Mihimaru GT get back to the top and end their streak? Or will Yui leap them all and take her third crown? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Well, I am out for now. I will probably see “Superhero Movie” (Please….don’t ask why. I am killing time until the massive orgasm that is “Iron Man”) tonight and then some basketball after that. GOOOOOOOO YUKLA!! Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with the long awaited return of a Japanese hip hop supergroup!
20. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (New Entry)
After over a year and a half of being off the radar, Llmari, VERBAL, Ryo-Z and Wise get back together to drop another video! They bought along Busta Buss who gave a “meh” verse and Pharrell who supplied the beat. It is about damn time you all came back!
19. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #18, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa avoids falling off the Countdown this week, holding on to the number 19 position. Nothing new from her yet…and I am going through withdrawal. Just a little.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #17)
Kid Sister falls a spot this week as she stays in the lower half of the Countdown. This song is beginning to lose its luster with me….
17. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #15)
HAMC falls another two spots this week as I am listening to their album and needless to say….they sound a little too much like Evanescence. Not like that is a BAD thing, but you know.
16. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #19)
Still pissed off that Warner Music is blocking this video from Youtube. I don’t want to go to your shitty site to see a Lupe Fiasco video. Not going to happen. Still a great song with a cameo by Bun-B!
15. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
Mr. Morrison falls a spot this week as he remains muddled in the middle of the chart. Hard to catch this video anywhere, which is one of the main reasons for it stalling here. Hope for something new soon!
14. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #12)
So I was kind of hoping the new Bleach theme would have came from UVERworld. As rocking as Yui, Aqua Timez, Beat Crusaders and Asian Kung Fu Generation were, “D-Technolife” is the best of the bunch. However, Kelun is no slouch so as soon as the video is out for it….they will be on here.
13. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #16)
The Arc is moving on up! They look for their third Top Ten video and it looks like maybe a greatest hits compilation is coming. HELLS…..YES.
12. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #10)
Nelly has fallen from the Top 10! I said it once and I will say it again. Give me something new, please? I loved “Loose” but it is time to get back in the lab.
11. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #13)
So they are dropping the Patrick Stump single and video. Poor response, I guess. I think this a single for The Roots would be just outside of the box enough to garner some serious spins. Just a thought.
10. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #7)
Mr. Legend falls three places after failing for the second time in a row to take the number one spot. Same with Ms. Furtado. Loved “Once Again” but we need some new stuff. It came out in 2006!
9. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #11)
Well, Yui once again has two videos in the upper half! Last time this happened, she didn’t make it to the top….can she change her fortune?
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #5, Four Weeks at #1)
With all three members of CRS (minus Thom Yorke because unless Radiohead does a song with Boston they will NEVER be on here) having new videos and two currently on, I don’t feel so bad about this one falling from the Top 5.
7. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
Hearts Grow is slowly moving up once again, stepping up a spot this week. Not sure what is going on here, no date for an album and they don’t really hype themselves from what I can find on the interweb. Damn you!
6. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #9)
Foxxi MisQ is making moves! They are a step away from their third Top Five video in a year, which is good work seeing as how they just debuted last year. Oh….and they are hawt. That is all.
5. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #6)
Ms. Badu’s return brings her to the top quarter of the Countdown! Her album debuted at number two on Billboard so maybe she can get the number one spot here? She has some tough competition here!
4. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
After two weeks as runner up, RBD falls two spots this week. I really am not a fan of their last album but this song is one of the awesome spots on the cd. I would prefer a better attempt at an English album but that is a pipedream. We are left with three!
3. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #4)
And we begin the Top Three with a familiar face! With six Top Ten’s under her belt, You now has her fifth Top Three video…which ties her with John Legend for the record! Now that she is back, can she take down those above her?
2. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
They are one step away! After a long journey, Mihimaru GT is one step away from their second number one video! They have a new single coming in April and supposedly a new album in early summer (June) so I will be HELLA HAPPY! But with this duo at number two, another duo is at number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)
….For a fourth straight week! Bennie K holds it down for a full month and ties CRS for the longest running number one video of 2008! It has been a while since they were this high and they are holding on tight! Congratulations, ladies! Oh….and Yuki, I love you!
That is all for this week! Can Bennie K make it five weeks at number one and break into the lead for the Video of the Year? Or will Mihimaru GT get back to the top and end their streak? Or will Yui leap them all and take her third crown? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Well, I am out for now. I will probably see “Superhero Movie” (Please….don’t ask why. I am killing time until the massive orgasm that is “Iron Man”) tonight and then some basketball after that. GOOOOOOOO YUKLA!! Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
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