Three For One? It's Like That Strip Club In Omaha All Over Again!

What is up, peeps! Okay, OKAY! I know you are probably livid at me and rightfully so. I said I would be back more often and I haven’t but since I have been put into the realm of work purgatory once again (Yes, I AM BACK ON THE FINAL FANTASY GET OUT OF MY BUILDING CLOCK) I have been in a really meh mood. Thinking about just taking some time off this time around. Get my shit right and all. Time to stand out:

Okay, I was just looking for an excuse to put this up because it is what I am listening to at work. It’s all I can do to keep from snapping and punching the shit out of everything. Now I want to do a bit of a double play on this post. Reason being is that two things are really beginning to irritate me. Now things irritate me all the time (babies crying, babies smiling, people talking about babies, Beanie Babies) but these two things are really just beginning to make me wonder if the confidence of people is being shot to hell by the fact that they invest too much into people that really don’t return the investment. Deep? Sort of, I haven’t had a drink in a while. First off, I said I was going to finish up on my cosplay/objectification post and while I have gotten over that issue because….well, I honestly couldn’t give two shits about those that strive to gain attention by being objects but demand to NOT BE CONSIDERED objects…I said I would and I am a man of my word. I will leave it with this:

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE VIEWED AS A WHORE, DON’T DRESS IN A WAY OR DO THINGS IN WHICH PEOPLE MAY MISTAKE YOU FOR A WHORE.
That…pretty much covers it. You don’t like it? Cover up. Is it fair? Fuck no, but neither is the fact that I can’t have a Richard Roundtree afro and still get the jobs I want. Life is a bitch, either smack it or find a lady. Now with that being covered, there is a second thing I want to talk about real quick. That is a word that I have talked about before and I am sure you all know my stance on. That is… FRIEND ZONE First off, you all know I think this is bullshit. It’s a place that only exists in the world of pussy ass dudes and trick ass bitches where men think they are placed by women because they are “too nice” while women have kept this bullshit fantasy land going because they want all the attention that a boyfriend gives but none of the responsibility that a girlfriend has so she keeps men at a platonic bay to get all the rings. Like Hal Jordan when he killed all the other Green Lanterns. One thing I have always said (and recently women who don’t understand the bullshit they have created with the “friend zone” are now saying) is that if you are “friendzoned” find someone that likes you the way you like them. That’s the answer. Period. HOWEVER… now WOMEN are being put into the friend zone and it has now become a place. For this, I laugh because:
IN YOUR FACE! You see, there have been a small amount of men (It took years but now I am included) that realized the “friend zone” isn’t a real place, like Cincinnati or Narnia. It is a state of mind created when you want someone to want you for you in a non-platonic way and that shit aint gonna happen. So rather than just take responsibility and say “she just don’t like me in that way and that is cool” they made up a land where they are the victim because she just doesn’t see the kind of guy you are. Which is the model of being a PUNK ASS BITCH. See, that subset of men realized “wait, if she doesn’t want to be with me like that…what’s wrong with me?” and they realized maybe…just maybe…she wants to be friends. So you know what
we did? We treated them like friends:

See, this is when things got interesting and the “friend zone” went from being an imaginary place where a good number of women felt men went when they weren’t man enough to accept not want to fuck them (But by all means still tell her she is pretty and treat her like a boyfriend) to a tangible place. Now this is something that I will preface by saying I can only run off of what I know and have observed. This isn’t science but I have seen it among my friends of all kinds and I for the last 5 years or so. When you realize (or get told) as a man that you have a woman that you know that isn’t interested in you past being friends and you respect to the point that you treat her like a friend…they really don’t like it. Now again, I am just speaking off of my own experience but women want all the power to control a friendship with a man. It is her choice whether you are just friends or something more. The moment you overstep your bounds and make a move and she isn’t interested she will tell you quick that you are just friends.

The moment you accept that and treat her like a friend…she will NOT like that. This isn’t ALL women so don’t get all IPS on me out there. In my experience though, the moment when you accept the fact she just “wants to be friends” and you stop doing anything in line of not treating her the same as a girlfriend but not being a boyfriend (Paying for going out, hugging, saying she is pretty and not a hussy) she gets highly upset. Why? Now SHE is just a friend as well. For some women, that is exactly what they wanted and everything works fine. For SOME women, and it’s a large quantity of women I have had the luxury (NOT) of being friends with, get upset and say the “friendship has changed” or “you’re acting different” which at first caught me off guard and then I realized something:
NO SHIT IT’S CHANGED! Not for the worse but just not in the way she wanted it. I never tell my male friends they are pretty. Well, sometimes I do for a certain person but I know it makes him feel good about himself and I don’t mind obliging. I don’t always pay for my male friends. I sure as HELL never have to always agree with my male friends either. So when I treat my female friends like my male friends they get upset because they are on even keel. Women like to be the most important person in the room and for men the most important person to them at that time which is the MODEL OF BEING A FUCKWIT but I can get it. So if she is the same as everyone else…she isn’t special. I actually got told I was being mean because I didn’t break plans with another female friend because I wasn’t treating her “like I used to.” Now said person had a boyfriend and it wasn’t the first time she had said it so I responded with “your boyfriend is supposed to treat you special, I am supposed to treat you like a friend and friends sometimes have other plans.” STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, CHACHI!
That DID NOT GO OVER VERY WELL. I was every asshole in the book and even had it thrown in my face about it was because I used to like her which actually wasn’t even the case (She had a boyfriend and this was back before my fuckery. Peeps sadly know what I mean) but because she was being treated normally and not special (Which was my own fault, I did spend more time with her than others but it was because we worked together) she felt she was being “friended.” Overall, I don’t believe in the “friend zone.” I have waffled in the past about it because it felt like no female wanted to date me and only wanted to be my friend. Then it hit me: at least they want to be my friend so it can’t be that bad. As long as they were truly genuine about wanting to BE friends and weren’t just trying to get all the perks of a boyfriend with none of the responsibility of being a girlfriend because be DAMNED if you went supposed to tell her she was pretty every five seconds. Oh and if are the only girl hanging out on a Friday night with 5 guys…and NONE of them know eachother…you a hoe. You aren’t popular, you are three Long Island Iced teas away from a Brazzer moment. Yes, I went there.

Lastly, I mentioned I was going to talk about boobs on my last post. Now you all know how I feel about boobs.

OVERRATED 

Don’t get me wrong, I like any other man will look and admire. But when it all falls down…women don’t know how to use them. Women with big boobs are like blacks with money: they treat them like they are going out of style and just use them for tacky and pointless endeavors. Let that marinate for a second and realize how dumb we are as a human race. Women, do understand that before I say this I love you. Now its only because there is no viable third option, but I do love you until that happens. That being said… BOOBS DO NOT: • Make you funny • Make you smart • Counteract character flaws (Like being a raging bitch or world-class hussy) • Make men listen to anything you have to say (BECAUSE MEN ARE LOOKING AT THEM HANGING OUT AS YOU TALK! DUH!) • Make you more attractive (Like 24” rims on a RAV4) • Give you a reason to not have a personality I know those are some kind of mean things to say and trust me, I didn’t want to say them. They had to be said. Woman make the boobs, boobs don’t make the woman. As a woman, if you use them to get what you want, more power to you. Cant knock a hustle for real.

You never know how long you will have them where they are so use them for what they are worth by all means. However, you cannot get all pissy when someone views them as objects if you USE them as objects. You use them to get what you want by wearing low cut shirts? Getting mad when someone actually LOOKS down the shirt just makes you look stupid. I stand by the Zebra Theory to this day so if you put yourself in a situation where you are putting them out as an object you cant be shocked when they are viewed as objects. Be responsible with them because when it all falls down, if you give them power they will become more powerful than you. If that is cool with you then knock it out the box but if you want to be known as more than boobs, don’t put them out there too far beyond where you are.

Well, that is all for now. I will try to be back up a little sooner as get closer to my timer hitting zero. I am always open to requests if any peeps have one. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

It's Time To (Cos)Play The Game! Yes, Triple H Reference

Whats up, peeps! Okay…first off I KNOW I SAID I WOULD BE AROUND MORE OFTEN. Well, you are my children and I am a black man so be lucky I see you once a year and take you to the park at all! Just kidding, I am genuinely sorry. Blogging has gotten harder since I have gotten older so bear with me sometimes.

So last weekend was StarFest 2013 and let me first off say this: it is good to find people that feel like you when it comes to women because it makes your frustration less…frustrating. Sometimes, women just be fucking trippin. As dudes, we be trippin, too. With two people traveling with nowhere to unpack, you just end up roaming around with some baggage and never find what you are looking for. DEEP! Now you know I have blogged about cosplay…never. You all know I really don’t care about it even though I respect those who do. It’s like how I feel about golf. I could give a shit, but I know how hard it is because I have tried it and I have the upmost respect for them. I just would rather fight Vader after finding out the buffet is out of chicken wings than play or watch it:

I aint messing with THAT dude. So you now have a frame of reference before you cosplayers get all pissy about not respecting your talent and work. With that being said, there is a movement among cosplayers about the aspect of the entry of the real world into their medium and the critique of their work. Recently I am seeing cosplayers talk about how they are tired of being viewed and treated as sex objects at conventions and…when they are dressed in costume randomly (Which is a whole other bit of fuckery that makes me want to slap the shit out of people but I will save that for later). Which to a certain extent, I can respect. Everyone deserves to be respected what they do, what they make and eventually what they wear and should not be vilified, objectified or even judged for it. With that said to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy, it is time to be quite honest with you…Jericho, if you wouldn’t mind:
I hate to say it, but it has to be reiterated. We all want to be accepted for who we are but guess what?

SHIT AINT GONNA HAPPEN. 

The simple fact is this: people are going to think about you whatever the hell they want to. You know what? Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em up against the wall! Not in the good way like Ike did Tina in “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” There are people who are going to say “she is too fat for that” or “wow, her boobs need to be bigger to make that work” and to that I say….in their mind, they are right. Just like in your mind it was wrong for them to say it. It is their fucking opinion. Just like you may get on a forum (Or FACEBOOK) and talk about how they are wrong for judging their body or critiquing their costume in such a manner…that is an opinion as well. You are no more right than they are to them than they are to you. In other words…it’s not that gangsta. They say something you don’t agree with. Big fucking deal. Have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Yes, I see the irony of a post about that particular mindset defeats the purpose but I haven’t had a drink in a few hours so I am pissed off. I will make it up to you all soon, I will post about K-Pop or something. PROMISE!

So one thing that actually does piss me off is when the argument of “respecting the cosplayer” comes up, men are usually the culprit of the asshatery. I have seen it in action so I won’t argue that in the slightest. However…saying “ALL MEN ARE ASSHOLES!” on a forum of your friends and contemporaries doesn’t really…do anything. It’s like saying “I HATE NIGGERS!” at a Klan rally to Klan members. No shit! You aren’t going to hear one Klansman go “Hey! I like 2 Chainz!” in defense of Black people. That said, dudes that sit back and say “Yeah, all men are pigs” and “I respect all women because they are all beautiful” you can…you know what, I will let The People’s Champ handle this one:
Seriously, I understand that you respect all women and blah blah blah because they are all beautiful. No…no they aren't  Not everyone is beautiful. Doesn’t mean they can’t dress how they want to, though. Case in point; I know I am not skinny in the slightest way. You know what else? If I wanted to cosplay as Dante from Devil May Cry, I could do that. Show off my beefy, beefy abs and biceps. However, I don’t do that. You know why? NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT SHIT! Including me. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Always remember that. With that being said, to sit back and say “all men are assholes” because some men are judging cosplayers…on a forum…about cosplay…is really kind of making a leap of faith here (Tallest Smurf Theory rears its ugly head because WHO GIVES A FUCK) because you are looking at a small group and making a blanket statement about a group of people of which the larger portion of the population…wouldn’t give a fuck unless it was told to them. If you have a problem with them, take it up with them. Don’t rope the rest of us into it.

Oh, and for bitch ass niggas out there that are always defending the asshatery of these people (not all of them are women saying that stuff)…show some backbone and stand up for your god damn sex. We all aren’t beasts that can’t control ourselves because some girl in a costume is showing too much boob for logical reasons because she wants to be “accurate to the character” and you fucking know it. Show some pride, defend your sex and let them know they are dealing with fuckwits. Through playing around about this stupidity.

So next time, the blog will be about boobs. Yes, boobs. I have done several about booty because I love the rumpatory. This time, I will focus on boobs and the women that own them…because they are usually stupid. Yep, it should be good.

Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Friends, Where Would We Be Without Them? JAIL!

Yes, the kid is back! Well, the kid is now a man but that aint important. I left you for OVER A FUCKING YEAR AND THAT IS NOT COOL. So with that being said I will try to be back up more. Every day will be rough but once a week is doable. Besides, so much ridiculousness happens in a week around me that I will definitely have something to put up because…people don’t know how to fucking act. Speaking of not knowing how to fucking act, that brings me to something that has been kind of straining my patience over the last two years or so. I don’t know when this concept of the “friend zone” became one that I should even give a shit about but all of a sudden I am having to deal with it and I kind of figured I was too old for this shit. You see, a friend is a friend to me. Whether male for female. I treat them all the same…at least I want to…or at least I try to. You see, something about having a female friend makes they dynamic a little more complicated and I used to think it was because: “Oh no, what happens if one day I want to pull a reverse Prince and WANT to take the place of her man?!” Why does Prince hate the YouTube so much?! Anyway, I used to always think I had to balance the act of having a friend that I could be friends with and the fact that she is a woman and you need to treat a woman differently because of the whole male/female dynamic (Sexual tension, significant others, etc.) to make sure she is comfortable. Then I realized something: if you are in a friendship when you have to cater to that person at the detriment to yourself…they really aren’t a good friend. Now with that being said, let’s look at this logically. I have male friends. Not many that I can FUCKING STAND but I do. Sorry, UFC is stupid. I like boy bands. Only one has men frolicking around in bodily fluids with the same sex. Who’s gay NOW? Well, aside from Lance Bass. Back to the point. My male friends may have a significant other. Wife, girlfriend, boyfriend whatever it may be. Do I ever have to point out that our friendship is “strictly platonic?” Even if they are single, do they ever have to let it be known that “Hey, we are close but I don’t like you in that way?” NO Yet, why is it that when it comes to females things have to become a tad bit more difficult? First off, I have some female friends. Most of them piss me off to no end because women are the devil in general but I am no walk in the park so I can’t talk about being difficult to be friends with. Now if she has a significant other, I understand that there may need to be parameters set because the other person may not feel comfortable with that person hanging out with you at a detriment to the relationship. Understandable, accepted and noted without question. With THAT being said, there seems to be an upturn in females who have male friends solely for attention. Don’t get me wrong, that is no different than a man having a lot of women he hangs out with to look like Chris Brown minus the uppercuts but how many of those women KNOW about each other? They usually don’t because once they know about other women they turn into cats and even if they don’t even want the toy or even to be petted they must have it because someone else has it. Make sense? If it doesn’t, you are doing it. Some women, not all, have male friends just because it makes them feel good about the attention that men give. Knowing that rather than being with another female, they are with them whether it be from a strictly platonic standpoint (Rare, but happens) or because he is just waiting for her man to make a bad RGIII-like cut or for her to have one too many Long Island Iced Teas (Previous readers know that reference) makes her feel special. This is not ALWAYS the case and I know that. I will say….that has been the case a lot in my experience. That is where I believe that women lose track of the thought of having “guy friends” You see, there is a difference between being one of many friends and one of many “options” and that is how from the outside it looks that women are doing. Men do it to, but that is another post which is coming soon and I have a lot to say about that shit because I was guilty of it myself. Now this is going to get highly generalized and I HATE generalizations but hear me out on this one. You ever go to a bar and see a table of 5 people and its four guys and one girl watching a football game? I am willing to put a Shasta on the fact that at LEAST three of those dudes hang out with her because they want to have the sex with her. Now that isn’t her fault in the slightest. However…she knows that. I give women a lot of credit (Recently I realize I give them more credit than I SHOULD but that is another post) and I believe they are smart enough to know when a man is interested in them, even if it’s a friend. Most women who see that and are not interested in being anything more than friends let them know right up front and that is very honorable. However, I have seen women that have those men around strictly as a reason to: 1. Keep their current boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in line 2. Yep, women like options. Which is fine, I love shoes and buffets. As a man, it is also their own fool fault because if they are willing to stand in a line to hope to be the next one that gets to ride the pink teacup ride (Or Big Gulp for some of you girls. You know who you are!) then more power to you. That being said, just because you can doesn’t make it the best thing to do. It is not hard to see when someone is doing that to you and it makes you a little bit leery of trying to make those kinds of friends in the future. Also, because men think that all they are is a line in the harem of her choosing the have embraced that and just say what they need to say and do what they need to do until it is their turn to put their quarter in. Hence why women say that they can’t just have a “guy friend” anymore because all they want to do is have sex with them. Your sisters made it that way. One last thing before I go about the friend zone. I personally have never been a fan of the term because something became very clear to me about five years ago: if a woman has to do something to put you into (Like say “I value that our friendship!” which means “We aint fucking!” which I am all good with) or actually STATE that you are in the “friend zone” then she likely isn’t a good friend. The simple fact is this: a lot of times men are friends with a female because they are a great friend but even if there WAS a chance for something more…you got an issue. An issue that would require hitting you with a Rainmaker Clothsline: Japan, you know how to discipline. Anyway, there is something that we know isn’t going to work from a relationship side but doesn’t really effect the friendship side of things. Yep, sometimes men value a good friendship over a broken relationship. Shocking but true. Well, I will admit I am getting back into the swing of blogging again so it may take a few times to get back into form. But I will and when I do…SEX LADIES IN THE HOUSE COVER YOUR ASS! That’s all for now. Be back next week! Chachi Out.

Okay...I know it has been a while. First off, I am not dead. YOU ARE NOT THAT LUCKY! Secondly, I just wanted the world to know I am back in this bitch. News at 11. Post coming tomorrow, at the latest Friday. Tell your friends...not your drunk asshole friend that passes out on your couch and throws up in your sink. The hot one with the big booty and no self-esteem. Yeah...THAT one.

As a little preview of what the post will be about...well, let's just say that sometimes being in the proverbial "friend zone" is not all your doing, ladies. Your vagina isn't as special as you think.

BAM, IT'S ON AND THE CHACHI IS BACK, BABY! Now to buy some rum and get this started. Yes, I drink rum now.

Good to be back, I must say.

Chachi Out

I Know, I Know. I Am As Reliable As A Catholic Condom.

What is up peeps?! Yes, I know it has been a while so just stop with the “WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN AT, NIGGA?!” before it even starts. It has been a rather interesting last few months and those of you that know me know what’s up but those that don’t just know there has been a good reason why I have been gone. Takes time to write and I have been a tad bit occupied. I’m sorry and I promise to be up more often. I know I say that a lot but I will be up when it hits me.

With that being said, its time for….

Where You Been At?!

Yep, I Am Officially Old

Well, I turned 31 a few months back in September and I must say…it was a good night but the feeling has become underwhelming. When I turned 29, I was in such a panic because I was unemployed and wondering if it was time to just give up and be a gigolo:

Worked for David Lee Roth and those of you that know me understand the hilarity of this video in reference to that last paragraph. At the same time…life goes on without me. Sad and lonely! Sad and lonely! Yeah, three people get that and that is why we are homies for life.

But when I turned 30…I realized that you are only where you are because you haven’t gotten to where you want to be. You are only as stuck as you allow yourself to be and although I have realized that a few times over the years when times get rough you do forget that fact. So it was at that point that I decided to make moves to get to where I want to be and getting older no longer became a hassle or a fear. When I was in my 20’s I dreaded hitting 30. Now that it happened and especially since when I turned 31 I did the exact same thing that I do when I hang out with my friends anyway I learned that getting older only gets hard if you don’t actually grow up. Anyone that knew me in my mid-20’s knows…I was a fucking HOT MESS before the term even existed but I always learned from my asshatery which meant I was always learning shit. So as I got into my late 20’s and eventually thirty I had done all my stupidity and now all the new stuff (Except for one…Joey knows what I’m talking about! Amirite? Man, I am such a BITCH!) is just Version 2.0 of old stuff and I can handle because I am mad at myself for doing the same shit twice. Getting older is learning from mistakes no matter how often they come. That’s what 30 will teach you. That’s about it, though.

Women Don’t Get Better With Age

Yeah, I said it. From first-hand experience (The book of my life is coming soon and I honestly believe Charlie Sheen would even be disappointed) and the direct experience of others I have realized that a high percentage of women don’t get better with age. They don’t even get worse. They just stay the damn same. It took a minute to realize but the same non-sensical views about chivalry and relationship roles girls have at 20 are the exact same non-sensical views about chivalry and relationship roles women have at 40. Men should open doors and revere them despite them having no character trait or redeeming quality to speak of. I’m sorry but if a woman is something to be attained and prized you have to bring more to the table than a vagina. Learn a fucking knock-knock joke or some shit! Better yet, watch the Sarah Silverman Program and take a few notes:

Nothing hotter than a woman that is FUNNY crazy, not ignore all laws and statutes because she wants to do something “special” despite being told to stay the fuck away crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, men have done NOTHING to help this situation. In my opinion the downfall of man has directly attributed to the fuckery of women. I told a friend today after meeting another friends boyfriend last week that it felt like girls just went to the back of an American Eagle Outfitters and went to the “Bro-Tastic & Hipster Boyfriend Maker” and picked one out of the boyfriend rotisserie. Then there are Black men…which I don’t know many aside from those I knew in high school. I can say this: I TRULY understand why Black women are frustrated…and it’s your own fault. This actually goes for all women. As you get older and realize there is some shit from a man that you won’t tolerate (No job, no car, no kids, etc.) WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO TOLERATE IT?! If I hear another female friend complain about their man not having a job or having to deal with driving him around or issues with his kids/ex-wife/crazy ex-babymama I will have a Professor Chang freakout:

Do understand, I have said this for years and you all just don’t listen. I will say it ONE LAST TIME:

Men are creatures of habit.

If you sit back and say you are upset about something he does and then you let him continue to do it…HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT BECAUSE HE IS A CREATURE OF HABIT! Unless you curb the behavior and stop putting up with men doing dumb shit they will continue to do dumb shit! Hence why R&B sucks, the number of baby mamas is on the rise and Tyler Perry hasn’t been taken into the street and beaten with whiffle bats.

In the end, this is something I said to a friend of mine and I don’t honestly think I am wrong about this anymore. Now this isn’t ALL women just like ALL men don’t like to bro out with the bros rather than take their woman out to see A Christmas Carol. However, it is rather true:

The major issue is the majority of women we interact with aren’t fun and have no personalities because they have been taught since birth that that are objects to be desired and attained. Therefore HE should have culture and HE should have personality because HE needs those to win YOU. So they never have to actually be engaging or witty. Cold? Yes. True? Partially. Needed to be said, though.

It can actually be put best in the words of an old rhetor…

All I say is for help, not to hurt. Live, laugh and learn peeps. It’s good to be back.

Chachi Out

Ladies, Stop Saying "Watch Me Do Me"...It Never Means What We Think It Does.

Well guess whose back in the mickey-ficking house? With a brand new blog for your mickey-ficking mouth? Yeah, that’s me. So tomorrow puts us at the half-way month for 2011 and I must say that things are going a lot better in 2011 than they did in 2010. You all know the cluster that 2010 was and even though some great things came out of the year, it was still the model of wasted times and deferred dreams. You learn from mistakes, though.

So this weekend I spent Sunday and Monday with the fam and after spending Sunday night downtown in Colorado Springs (Don’t ask why…I knew it was a bad idea when I went) I realized that in the famous words of Alfred in Batman Begins:

Some men (and women) just want to watch the world burn. Now that may seem to be a bit of hyperbole but to a degree it is very, VERY true. When I sit back and see someone in the club drink to the point of being belligerent and getting violent I sit back and wonder why would they do something that idiotic if they didn’t want to just ruin the fun for everyone else? I mean there is no reason the fight in the club. Now we all know that aint NO ONE above an ass-whoopin (There are some people whose heads I wish I could go upside right now) but there is a time to fight and a time to let it slide. Getting drunk and acting like an idiot isn’t the right thing to do AT ANY TIME so please just stop. Usually the party can keep on going after the dipshit gets tossed out so we can always just shuffle around those asshats:

That song makes EVERYTHING better. EVERYTHING. I mean even Jesus is dancing to this song!

So a discussion at while I was at lunch came up and it really made me realize that a lot of times…I am right when I NEED to be wrong. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that women don’t want to see men happy unless they are with them because women don’t believe they are fun. It KILLED me when I saw the Kevin Hart segment about it on his comedy special because I can remember that being true back when women were crazy enough to date me (Although it was less dating, more just them yelling at me and asking “where have you been all night?!” at 8pm) and it was totally the case. Even now, women I am just FRIENDS with have to know where I am going and who I am with. Now it could just be for conversation but I noticed that I don’t care who my friends are with if they aren’t with me. Hell, you can hang out with people I don’t even fucking like as long as you don’t bring their simple asses around me.

I understand, ladies. I really do. I want to be part of a good time as well. When people have fun and I am not invited there is that initial “Aw, man I wish I was invited” and then that is followed by “HOLY SHIT, IT’S A PITBULL SONG!”

As we all know, the more Pitbull in something the better it is. Everything could use more Pitbull. Anyway, at that point I am off and doing my own thing which usually ends up at Crocs dancing with large women. Aaahh, you never forget the horrible actions at the Den of Inequity. It is still fun and man…some women just HATE the fact that you can have fun without them. It is almost like treason to go out and have a good time with other people when you have any kind of female that is more to you than just someone that steals your knives for their own sneak attacks. Man, I have lived in some messed up shit!

Now I rarely think that this is on purpose, at least in the cases that I have personally dealt with (Except for a few crazy ass cases in which I had to drop their asses like a looter in a riot. Cypress Hill, bitches!). I honestly think that women have to (and again, THIS IS NOT A BAD THING!) be the center of happiness for an individual, especially a man. Now this isn’t always a negative, sometimes they just want to know they are special to that person and them going out and having a better time with OTHERS than with THEM can be hurtful which I get completely. Now maybe it is just me because I have rarely had anything in common with my female friends and even LESS with the few women that dated me but I was happy when they went out with their girlfriends and had a good time because odds are, I sure as FUCK didn’t want to go with them to that place. Just like I don’t want to drag someone someplace they don’t want to be and have no interest in going I would hate it for a woman to do the same to me so I DON’T do that. I have always understood trying new things and wanting to be with someone for the sake of their company but if my woman wanted to go line dancing…we breaking up.

Hells no, I won’t go. Anyway, go out and have fun. I am done for the day. I was supposed to be working anyway so it is about time to finish up. I will try to be up at some point this week, though. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Everyday I'm Blogging...When I'm Not Shuffling.

What is up, peeps?! I will admit that it has been a while since I have been on the scene but things got interesting over the last two months at work and now that I have made the decision that getting the hell out of here is the end result once I hit my year mark, things are beginning to look quite smooth. It is all about making sure I do what needs to be done so that I can finally get out and move to the Pacific Northwest, the birthplace of grunge.

Ahh, back when music was done by those with…what’s that word...talent. So with about 4 months until I turn 31, the people close to me know that when I turned 30 it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal to me and I just kind of hung out. It wasn’t monumental, wasn’t painful. It was kind of just another day. Now that 31 is coming up…I realized WHY 30 wasn’t as panic-ridden as I thought it would be. In the words of Copper:

You have been through so much worse, this is kind of nothing.

Some of you know (And those that don’t…you just don’t) that the last decade from 2000 to 2010 was a Decade of Dipshittery, Destruction and Development (THREE D! Pimpin aint easy!) and that when I say that my life has been a “Series of horrible decisions and tragic events turning out just fine” that I am not making that shit up by any means. Last year I honestly marveled at the fact that “I MADE IT TO THIRTY?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!” and it reminded me a lot of my sophomore year in college when I went from nearly being kicked the fuck out of school to being a senior and not remembering anything about that timeframe. Then I decided that I had gotten that far and I might as well finish the mission so I started going to class and actually learning shit. Now I didn’t learn much, but what DO remember learning has helped me out a great deal. As a matter of fact, it was remembering the things I learned in college that I conveniently forgot when I got older because it was easier to NOT FUCKING THINK that has gotten me to a happy point right now. So, for those that say that college is a waste of time I say to you what Chase said to me in my Ethnic Studies class senior year:

You spend four years getting building blocks of life when you go to college, man. College is what you THINK you were taught and whether it is relevant. It is what you take out of those blocks and build out of the knowledge. Taco?”

Yeah, we used to go to the Albertacos for tacos after class because we had a two hour break. Either way, that is a simple quote that pretty much explains life. Every time you do something, win or lose…whether the result is happy or painful…is a block that you use to build your life out of. You shape your life, no one else does. What you learn and take away from your life, the same as your education, is your onus and yours only. If you don’t learn anything and you dwell on those experiences then the fault is no one’s but yours. Let’s face it: life is full of rejection, heartbreak, defeat, sadness, loss, pain and loneliness. Those are just facts. However, it is how you respond to all of those bad things that determines what kind of person you will become. If you take those blocks, shape them into something that can be used in the future to overcome that issue and use it to build something to help you move on then you are on a pretty good path. However, if you take that SAME issue and shape it into an albatross (Or albacore if you are Master Shake) or anchor to hold you where you are at OR EVEN BETTER shape into something in which you can blame others for your own issue…then you are going to go nowhere and you will build nothing. Just like if you state your education has meant nothing because you haven’t attempted to build something out of your knowledge, if nothing then a career path. You have no one to blame for yourself. In the famous words of MC Breed, aint no future in yo frontin:

Rest in peace, Breed. People still don’t know, and that’s why this song will always be a classic. Now that I have gotten the “MESSAGE!!” portion of the show out of the way, it is time to give you what you came here for: a doling of the business to dipshits that deserve to be smacked the fuck up. Yeah, Chachi is back and people need to catch the business. Time to kick some ass:

Okay, let’s get started.

Issue #1: I Know Why You Mad, I Know Why You Mad!

I have said several times that Katt Williams segments about haters is one reason why I was able to pretty much shut down 2010 because that was a year of bad decisions and questionable actions. Why? All because I let haters get me down. For 28 years (Minus a crazy bitch in college and the whole year 0f 2006…get me a drink and I will tell you sometime) I could tell say fuck the world if they couldn’t adjust but last year I hit as low as I could go. Quite simply, I was nothing more than a vicious ass koala bear that used to be a tiger. Then something happened. I realized that I was not surrounding myself with friends and collegues, I was surrounding myself with haters. They were mad because I could see a situation was FUCKED UP and figure out the gasoline wasn’t worth it. They were mad that I could see that no matter how hard some people tried, they couldn’t be like me so they had to try to break me down. I realized that and figured out that I AM MY STAR PLAYER and I needed to make sure I was happy.

You can’t make someone else happy or lead someone else if you are comfortable with yourself and where you are going. So I broke out and took my talents and friendships elsewhere because I FUCKING COULD. Now these people are STILL mad and STILL hating and at first I was under the mindset of “WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING GET OVER IT AND WORK ON YOUR OWN SHIT?!” and it frustrated me for a while. I just want to be left the hell alone from people that aint about making things better for themselves or others. Then, after a long talk with someone I figured it out. I knew why they was mad. You know why they was mad?

Because those that can’t, hate.

Yep, I am putting that shit on a shirt. People that can’t be happy themselves can only be happy when they hate on those that ARE happy. By making others unhappy like they are, they can in turn be happy because if everyone around them is miserable like they are, they have unhappy people they can be unhappy with. It is a painful that there are people like this but I am sure you can think of people like that right now so I know (sadly) that I am right. So you have to drop those that are trying to pull you down with the quickness. The fact you have to do that because someone is willing to hate is sad, but it brings back the age old question: Why you wanna…playa hata on me?

Mark ass busters!

Issue #2: Pop Is Dead

Yes, I said it. When we look at the landscape and gone are Madonna, Whitney Houston, Cyndi Lauper and Mariah Carey (Pre-crazy Mariah, I mean. She with Nick Cannon now which is a step below rock bottom) to be replaced with Lady GaGa, Ke$ha (ONLY TOO $HORT CAN HAVE THE DOLLAR SIGN IN HIS NAME, BEE-YATCH!), Rihanna (Or as I call her, Popped Eyes because she got two-pieced…too soon?) and Beyonce it makes me realize that all we have to hold on to right now is Justin Timberlake. People can like what they like. I know many people don’t like Atmosphere and Childish Gambino but I don’t take it personal when someone says they don’t. However, when I say “I really don’t like Lady Gaga all that much” people have had the FUCKING NERVE to say that I am a homophobe for not thinking she is a trendsetter. No, David Bowie is a trend setter. Elton John is a trend setter. Annie Lennox is a trend setter. Lady Gaga is average talented and has taken that to superstardom. Which is FINE but don’t sit back and act as if she and Rihanna are the voice of a fucking generation when they are nothing more than singers. Period. It takes a lot more to be a voice of a generation than wearing a meat suit and using religious imagery. If she touches you, that is fan-fucking-tastic. If you like her music, that’s great. Keep that shit to yourself, I will listen to Sara Bareiellis:

I likes what I like.

Issue #3: We Leik Sportz! We Also Don’t Give A FLYING FUCK IF YOU DO.

Okay, I blog about sports from time to time but for the most part I keep the fact that I am a huge sports fan under wraps. The reason why is something I will not go into here (It fucking irritates the shit out of me and those that know me understand why) but I do not understand those that attach to a team to a fanatical point. Was I pissed about Matt Ryan throwing the pick six before the half in the NFC Divisional Playoff game? Hell yeah, but I didn’t get on sports radio and BITCH ABOUT IT LIKE I GOT FIRED BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS. I understand that sports are big for people but it gets to a point where you just sound like an spoiled child that has to have everything go their way, even things they cant control (And I know exactly what that sounds like, I have been dealing with one of them for about a fucking year. YEAH, I SAID IT. That comment was whatever you make of it). Sports are entertainment and business in my opinion, nothing more and nothing less. I can detach myself pretty quickly, even from college sports which is probably my favorite of all of them since the athletes don’t get paid…just ask crack babies:

One of the best episodes ever. Anyway, I try to avoid sports talk at all costs because it causes more pointless arguments aside from political arguments (And politics at least EFFECT US in some way. Whether or not LeBron went to Miami or New York didn’t affect my rent check at-fucking-all) but as you know…Denver loves the Broncos like I love applesauce and they never shut the fuck up about them or how much they hate Oakland to which I say…do EITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS ALTER YOUR LIFE IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY? I leave it at that because the answer is no unless you play for the team or have some stock in them financially. You ponder that shit, I am going to get myself some Jameson’s and ginger ale to help me get through another week of work.

Well, that is all for this week. It is good to be back on the scene and I PROMISE to be back more. Even if it is a quick blurb. I haven’t been able to put the hour or so into typing up my fury or honestly been up to it because I have been tired and annoyed by the dipshittery of those that just don’t get it. Fuck them, I’m back. One more time, with feeling. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Those We Miss The Most Are Often The Ones That You See The Least. Ironic.

Hey, peeps. Feeling kind of down today. Someone close to me that I hadn’t kept as close of contact with that I would have likes just passed away. Took a while to post this because he was one of the five people I can say have truly shaped my career and honestly how I live my life now. He taught me more about leadership and helping people grow than almost anyone, despite only knowing him for about six months. I hadn’t spoken to him directly in about 10 months or so (A few voicemails and texts were exchanged but that’s about it) but he helped me through one of my lowest points by saying one line and one line only:

“Don’t let this moment define you. The one that defines you…is you.”

I am paraphrasing because I was a bit numb when he told me this but it really calmed me down and taught me a huge lesson about life: you are what you make of yourself. I cannot say enough kind words about this man, and others that knew him better can put the words much better than I can so I won’t even try. All I can say is that if I can be half the man he was when he was alive, I will be more than elated.

It’s funny how those that you know the least amount of time are the ones that touch and shape your lives the most. With that being said, Michael Van Doren, I am a better man for knowing you:

I know you will rest in peace and better things are in store for you. That is all for now. I will have some rants and funny stuff up soon, I promise. I just had to get that out. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Every Time You Update Facebook, A Puppy Gets Rickets.

Okay, first off I must say that the fact it is 24 degrees outside in March means that I have pissed SOMEONE off in a past life. Or a current life, I don’t know. I kind of drift in and out of my own life because it is more fun that way; I like to be surprised by my actions. So 2011 is only three months old and I have to say that if I have learned nothing, it is that Facebook has offered me little to no redeeming factors to my life. Seeing as how I spend half of my time saying “Who is this person and how did you get on here?” for about 70% of the updates that show up I must say that it has actually confused me more than anything else. It actually makes me understand the plight of older people when they were confused on why we thought that the high-top fade was a good idea….ever:

Okay, now I remember why that was in fashion. Kid N’ Play were DOPE! Anyway, maybe I am lost in the world as Kanye would say but I have to say a few things about the crap that is on there and it goes a little something like this.

#1. No One Gives A SHIT About Your Pokemanz
Pining for nostalgia is one thing, but refusal to accept when no one gives a shit about something is another bag of dead Raichus’. I have been involved in my own searches for more money in my youth (Captain Power and those video tapes you could shoot your plane at, StarCom men and those 55 piece playsets) but at some point…you have caught them all and need to move on. I don’t give a shit about your Pokemon Black, Blue, Turquoise or Menstrual Crimson Versions of that dumb ass game. The next person to inform me that they have Pokemanz…is getting de-friended and getting shot. Maybe not in that fucking order. I don’t care and Pokemon has and always will be the most asinine program since Homeboyz In Outer Space. The only good thing about that show was the goddamn Pokerap and even THAT was slightly above Nelly-worthy:

By the way, only the FIRST Pokerap was worth a shit. All the others after were like the multiple remixes of Tag-Team’s “Whoomp! There It Is” and not worth the time and ended up killing small children. Or not, again I kind of zone in and out.

#2. If You Are Going To Put Your Life On Display…Make Sure You WANT It On Display
Okay, the internet is an open forum that you cannot stop. If you are going to put things about your life on the internet make sure you are ready to have them in a forum that can be read and seen by ANYONE. You think your words don’t make it back to your job when you complain about how shitty your boss is? They do so if you don’t want the world to know then shut the fuck up. You don’t want your pictures showing up on pornsites or places you don’t want them to? Don’t put them up. I know you should have the right for privacy and blah blah blah but someone can buy your address information for less than a fucking Big Mac so if someone wanted to find you, they can and will. Now if someone hacks into your account then by all means you have been violated but to put your information or photos on website that at its core is social networking means that any information you put on there is NETWORKED SOCIALLY. This is coming from a man who is on no less than 100 forums and 300 Facebook pages dressed as a deceased funk musician/singing, lovemaking cartoon chef. I knew the repercussions and I actually embrace that. Now if I showed up on a Fox News site, then I may be pissed but until then I made the choice to dress that way and I don’t mind it’s on the internet. When I put updates about going out and having a few drinks I know exactly the mental vision I give off and I don’t mind because the club can’t handle me right now:

What can I say, I likes to get down. Either way, I am fine with that for the most part. When I don’t want it known what I am doing and how I feel…I DON’T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK.

I have more, but I am kind of burnt out right now. A lot of things weighing on my last nerve and I may have to get buck wild pretty soon. Next blog will likely be about women at the club. Stay tuned!

Chachi Out

R. Kelly: Making Urinals Obsolete Since...12 Play?

What is up, peeps? It is another Monday and all I have to say is…bleh. This last weekend was interesting to say the least. Thursday was eye opening and Friday at the Tavern was AWESOME. Love seeing white people getting injured to the Cupid Shuffle:

So I quickly wanted to talk about something that a friend of mine pointed out to me. These things are the epitome of annoyance and are some of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. As a man, these things disgust me to a point of looking for other places to frequent because these horrible inventions are there. I am talking about flushless urinals.

Now I have only had to deal with these in newer malls (Park Meadows, I am looking at YOU) and most airports I have landed at over the last few years and until I had it brought to my attention and thought about it, these things are fucking gross. Yes, I know they save the environment by using no water and blah blah blah yakkity smackity but honestly think about this. Whenever you use a urinal, no matter how awesome you are…you get splash back. It is disgusting and annoying but it is a fact of life. Usually, it’s YOUR splash back that hits you in a regular urinal. Plus some nasty ass toilet water, but it is your pee none the less. In a flushless urinal…not so much. You are pretty much R. Kellying yourself because when there is splashback in a urinal that doesn’t flush the persons pee before you is likely still in there. That shit is GROSS.

We all watched “A Convenient Truth” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….whoo…man, Rick and I wish we could get that 30 minutes back) and we know that we need to conserve cake and paper but man, saving the environment shouldn’t mean that I get pissed on. I am just saying.

Well, I needed to get that off my chest. I will be back soon with another quick rant. Going out after work because…it seems like something odd always happens at EVERY JOB I WORK. I really need to make a sitcom out of my life. It would make things a lot more interesting. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Always Remember: It's Not Sexual Harassment If You're Attractive.

Peeps, we have a problem. For the first time in about…six years or so I think I am sick. It doesn’t happen very often so I am kind of irritated about it because I rarely get ill, let alone get all flu-like and stuff. I am still working, though. Mostly because I can’t be Ciroc Smooth Man of the Year if I let a cold get me down from being at my smoothest:

Smooth don’t take no sabbatical! Man, I wish I could float. I’d have mad honeys.

So I sexual harassment is the topic of this week as it is the beginning of the year and people are being told by their employer that they have to take it because somewhere, somehow….people STILL don’t know what sexual harassment is. Or they choose to ignore the rules and do it anyway which is both douchebaggery and awesomeness all wrapped up into one. I won’t go into all the stories I have heard and seen about sexual harassment but I must say that after being a manager twice (Once directly, once indirectly…because managing outsourced labor out of India is like Bollywood without the awesome dancing):

I would KILL for just once a dance sequence to break out at a job without people looking at you like you just gave their cat a Rusty Venture. They make the day go by faster AND they are a cheap and entertaining team building exercise. Think about your job and how much better it would be if there were spontaneous dance numbers choreographed by Debbie Allen. You think about that, I will continue on.

So on a promo for “House” he was asked by a student (I didn’t really care about the plot, something about a Career Day. Sue me, I don’t really care for the show anymore) “Isn’t that sexual harassment?” to which he responded something along the lines of “Only if the person isn’t hot.” Now this statement made me laugh because it is one of those truths that no one wants to admit but it is the EXACT REASON why sexual harassment is so prevalent: The sexual harassment you want, you don’t get. And the sexual harassment you get…you don’t want.

Okay, now that is a play on a line from The New Guy (An underrated movie, mind you) but I think that it holds true. Americans, for all their depravity, horniness and overall perversity (I’ve seen the internet, and I can’t unsee the majority of it) that we show…we are a totally repressed bunch of high schoolers when it comes to sex. Just dry-humping couches and seeing music videos that look like Caligula meets Lil’ Jon but at the same time the collective minds of the country explode into Jesus Speak when we see a nipple on TV or see two dudes kissing. It is kind of off and the awkward union of conservatism and sexual freedom has screwed up the workplace and made it so I can’t watch a Girl’s Generation video at work and not be seen as a freak:

Good, clean and wholesome fun. Oh, and Yuri is DAMN FINE. There, I said it. So today I present:

Learnin’ With Chachi Presents: What’s The Deal With Sexual Harassment?
Sexual harassment has been a problem for decades, mostly because there are so many different attitudes and beliefs at work. I mean the lines for what is considered complimentary, flirtatious and downright offensive varies by the individual and in some cases (I am looking at YOU women) vary by the day and or hour. Let’s look at a few reasons why sometimes sexual harassment is so difficult to decipher and differentiate from just being a social human being.

Okay, might as well go there in the beginning to get rid of all you fuckwits I will offend with this point.

Women are fucking crazy
Men are fucking stupid
Combine stupid with crazy and you get chaos
That pretty much sums up sexual harassment in a nutshell but I will go deeper for those that are like “HURDURR, THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!” Logic would be that as a man, the same jokes you tell to your friends about women that are offensive, wouldn’t be funny to someone that IS a woman. You know that video with the Japanese woman in the Ziploc bag with holes only in the fun zones? It’s probably not going to be found funny by ANYONE, especially a Japanese woman eating a sandwich from a goddamned Ziploc bag. Who in their right mind would send that to ANYONE, let alone someone where you work? The simple thing for men to do is know their audience.

Now this has been a touchy subject for me for a long time. As an employee I felt like you could be a card carrying member of every racist group in America on your own time and even away from me at work but come in my zone talking about “pick that cotton, niggeeeeeeeer!” and I would have to break a foot off in your ass. When I became a manager that kind of changed because you have to think of the team or company as a whole. Having one person on a team that everyone knows is a racist could bring everyone against them. Now racism and sexual harassment are not the same but follow me on this one. I am going to lead you back to the party soon and there will be punch and pie for everyone.

Men need to know their audience from this standpoint: HAVE SOME COMMON FUCKING SENSE. Think of it like this: whatever you are about to say in front of these people…would you want someone saying to your wife? Think about what MIGHT make a woman uncomfortable (Which could be anything or could be nothing. Hell, some movies I watch they just do anal sex in front of everyone and porn is truth, right?) and just don’t do it. Honestly, is it really that imperative to say that offensive thing right then and there?

Now when it comes to touching or offensive language directed to someone…just no. Now I will be the first to admit that I have no problems hugging people (I have abandonment issues) even at work as long as they are okay with it. I have also partaken in my share of offensive jokes and innuendo at work. Yes, in-your-endo. Is it right? Not really. However, at what point is grabbing someone’s body at work or telling someone “You need to be on…my face” in any way, shape or form the right thing to say? Even if the advance is wanted, doing that in the workplace is inappropriate and can only lead to drama (Get a few in me and I will tell you some stories) for everyone. Either someone is going to be like “Aw, no you didn’t” and someone gets sued or someone will be all “Hell yeah, big boy” and then everyone finds out and you are the talk of the workplace and it is your own fool fault. Either way, there are consequences and repercussions up in this bitch. SO DON’T DO IT.

Now as for women…and I am going to be as nice as possible when I say this…with great power comes great responsibility. You fought so hard to get into the workplace to be treated as equals to men…to just dress like whores and get upset when people look at you? It is like how my grandparents got hit by all them hoses and attacked by them damn dogs for me to wear cornrows and say “Dat be whack, nigga!” at work? No, I try to dress like I have some GOD DAMN SENSE AT WORK. Just because it gets you free drinks at Suite 200 doesn’t mean it is respectable attire for the workplace. I’m sorry, just because you wear clothes that are revealing DOESN’T make you a whore but it DOES make you an asshat because you goddamn well it isn’t appropriate to have your boobs hanging out in plain view because they are in PLAIN VIEW. Someone will look at them and honestly it’s like having spinning rims and getting mad because someone is looking at them spin. Now if someone is just being vulgar then by all means that person is in the wrong but if your skirt doesn’t even go past the length of a wallet, all you have will be out for the public to see. Wrong or right (95% wrong, I admit) people will look and yes it is offensive but again with great power comes great responsibility. There are dress codes for a logical reason. It isn’t to stifle your originality, it is to curb your whoredom and avoid oglers and pervasive comments. Just like the reason you cannot have all red on in the club isn’t for your fashion sense, it is because other niggas fucked it up for the rest of us and your ass might get yourself and others shot. You have the right to wear what you want, but you have the responsibility to wear something professional. In other words: DRESS LIKE YOU GOT SOME GOD DAMNED SENSE.

Lastly, the simple fact is that perception is reality. If someone believes they are being harassed, they are being harassed. The intent may not be there, but the receiver is the one that deciphers your actions (Even though the person in question may not even be a part of the situation but if they see it and feel it is harassment, its harassment) and how they see it is how it is. Long story short…don’t say or do…ANYTHING at work. Arms in, side to side. For god’s sake don’t look at them titties!

I will be back up again soon. You all stay up.

Chachi Out

Nothing Says Love Like A Baby Shooting Arrows

What is up, people! I know it has been a while since my last update and I apologize because back then things were in a lot of flux. I was at a job that for the first time ever made me want to Sprewell a motherfucker just for seeing said person breathe, the Falcons lost in the playoffs (To Aaron Rogers, of whom I have been a Stan for about 4 years now and prior to that at Cal so it wasn’t as painful but MAN THEY GOT WHOOPED ON!) and I was coming to grips with the fact that Pimp-C was really gone:

Sweet Jones, peeps. Sweet Jones. Anyway, I now have a new job that actually treats me like a human being that breathes air and can put sentences together (I got a Batman yo-yo! SCORE!) and I have FINALLY gotten the riffraff and hangers-on out of my area (For now, we all know that haters are like roaches. They can live forever and show up when you least expect or want them). You will be surprised how much relieving yourself of things that are a detriment, professionally and socially, will help you progress. See previous blogs because I am not going to quote the Eminem line again but if you know it then you understand that it’s time to rock. You don’t get a do-over in life so maximize when you get a chance to do right. Yeah, sometimes I am fucking deep.

So now that we have gotten the pleasantries out of the way, it is time to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart. Sorry, couldn’t keep a straight face about it. Today, it is time for another rant on the most pointless day on the calendar aside from Martin Luther King Jr. Day because I celebrate that day all year round!

Passion of Chachi Presents: Valentine’s Day

First off, for those of you that refer to Valentine’s Day as “V-Day” understand there is only ONE V-Day, and I celebrate it every day. That is VADER DAY!

IT’S VADERTIME! On the Vader Clock, it is just twelve faces of Vader. Well, much like Vader’s White Castle of Fear, I refer to Valentine’s Day as “The Pain Game” because so much is put into a holiday…that doesn’t need to exist. Don’t get me wrong, love is a grand thing. Well, it is for other people because for me love was a plate upside the head followed by a trail of anger in [Insert her native tongue here] while I wonder if I leave will she stab me in the back with something. Yeah, it was a hell of a ride in the 2000’s.

So after the last six days or so of being asked about “Hey, are you taking out your special lady Valentine’s Day?” and the response of “Well, if the court will let me within 100 feet of her I will” not sufficing, one would think that my response to “How do you feel about Valentine’s Day would be best said by Apacolypta:

On a side note, it is interesting on how the musical tastes of your best friends and yourself overlap after a few years of knowing them. Anyway, I personally have never been AGAINST the day. Much how I don’t have an issue with Macs as much as I think their users are pretentious pricks, the same thing with Valentine’s Day. The day itself is just a day. Much like St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco De Mayo, they are days important to some but excuses to party for others. My issue comes with people that think that Valentine’s Day is anything more than just a day to spend with someone special. The people that think you HAVE to be with someone on Valentine’s Day or your life is incomplete. The people who think that if their partner doesn’t do something for them on that day then they don’t care about them at all and they are no better than a baby-punting Hitler lookalike. THOSE are what I hate about Valentine’s Day: the masses.

I think people need to understand that love isn’t something that needs a day to be expressed. Now people say all the time that people that don’t like Valentine’s Day are “bitter” and “lonely” which can be true. I look at Valentine’s Day much like I look the spirit of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas should be decided by the individuals, not by YOU. At Christmas, my family watches The Wiz and reenacts “Ease On Down The Road”:

Okay…I may have made that up. Still, if we DID do that does that make it not Christmas because we didn’t sing Jesus based Christmas songs and drink cocoa? Christmas is what you make of it whether you believe in the nonsensical story of Santa Claus…or even the slightly more nonsensical story of Jesus Christ’s birth. I mean people believe in the Immaculate Conception but don’t believe in chipmunk that sing and/or solve crimes?:

Right, next you will tell me that you don’t believe that a bear can fly a plane. If you get that reference and you are female, single, over the age of 21 and wont mace me…I love you. Back to the point. You make your own Valentine’s Day. For someone to sit back and say you have to be “in love” or “with someone” to enjoy a day for what you want it to be is like saying you can’t enjoy Black History Month pie if you aren’t Black. Yes, White people we have Black History Month pie and it is THE BOMB!

So this whole thing went on a major tangent but the end result is this:

Valentine’s Day is what you decide to make (or not make) of it.
So those of you that hate Valentine’s Day and take every chance to talk about how the holiday is bullshit and just an excuse for people with someone to validate love that should be shown at all times any-fucking-way: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Quit being bitter and have some Black History Month pie. You are single for a reason so relish it before you have to end up splitting Twix bars with some woman or man while you pine for the days when you could enjoy the awesomeness of two Reese’s cups.

For those of you that think that Valentine’s Day is a day that important enough to constantly inquire about other peoples’ plans for the day and you feel the need to put in your worthless two cents about how not having someone must be “so sad” despite no one giving two shits about you or your significant other or what you do at any point EVER let alone now when you act like going to dinner is a novel concept that hasn’t been done before: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your relationship is exactly that: yours. No one gives a fuck about your happiness and quite honestly if you have to flaunt how happy you are then odds are you aren’t truly that happy. It’s like rappers: the more you flaunt, the less you got. Subtly is a lost concept in the 2K11 but try it. If you don’t, it may be about that time. VADER TIME!:

If every day was Vader Day, there would be a lot less dipshittery. I think Vader-Bombing someone that walks to EVERY OFFICE to show the flowers and bear their boyfriend got them like they are the first person to ever receive anything ever would stop a lot of that stuff. Just saying.

Well, it is good to be back. I will be back up soon and may actually do the Omnibus I was going to do in December if there are enough questions from the readers. Until next time, stay up.

Chachi Out.

2011: The Year I Finally Find Out What Meatloaf Won't Do For Love

Guess who is back for the 2011?! Yeah, I know it has been a while but you know how it is. Holidays are busy and sometimes you have to tell them haters to fuck themselves in their own faces. Well, not always in that way but they know what they can do.

So it is a new year and a new decade. I have been doing this blog since about February of 2006, going on five years. Even though I haven’t blogged NEAR AS MUCH as I used to, this has still been a great outlet for my happiness and my rage. Mostly rage because…well, people piss me off a lot. But over the years I have had some great blogs (The Zebra Theory, What’s Wrong With Being Shallow, etc.) and some that I kind of wonder how drunk I was when I wrote them (Any blog with an undertone of a woman doing something wrong…which was pretty much all of 2006-2008’s posts) but each post served a purpose and for the readers I did have (Which I am sure I have lost due to my infrequent updates) that got anything from them I am glad to see that it helped in some way. Or truly mindfucked you, either way its better to feel mindfucked than nothing at all.

So last year I spoke a lot about doing what was best for you, especially if what you are doing is to your detriment. Now, as usual, I didn’t FOLLOW MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE and damn near went nuts doing something that personally made me feel like the same Katt Williams clip I played about the tiger:

Boy did I feel like a tiger in a cage. Trying shit, not working, switching up, not working and repeat. Needless to say, those that know me understand what I am talking about and know that I needed to show a motherfucker that I wasn’t bullshitting. You know the deal.

So let’s put the focus on something that I haven’t really spoken about because…I haven’t really blogged since September or so of last year and blogging is about motivation. That and fuckers don’t read anymore. Thinking about Copper’s idea and posting videos on YouTube but there is no originality in that because like I always say, give a fuckwit technology and it will end up on YouTube. Don’t believe me: see Fred. Nuff’ said. So on my sabbatical before I begin my new endeavor, I was remember some things I used to rant about and I had to see something. People that know me (I mean really know me. No offense to casual acquaintances but it is what it is) have seen that over the last two years, I have calmed down (Minus two days worth of rage after some bullshit events in 2010 but once again, I had to go down that rabbit hole to realize that I needed to get the hell away) to a great extent because at the end of the day life is what you make of it and people are what they make of themselves. You can’t blame others for your problems and you can’t fix those that don’t want to be fixed. Realize those two things and you will be a lot happier, as was I. So tonight, I will bring you the first installment of…

Chachi’s One To Grow On: What Did You Learn?

Yes, I know I say that a lot and now I say it to myself whenever something comes up. And away we go!

What Did I Learn From Bros?

For those of you that don’t know what a bro is, here is a news report for you that should explain:

Now two years ago I HATED BROS. Mostly because in Colorado Springs, I couldn’t walk five feet without seeing some fucktard in an Abercrombie shirt with their hat turned backward talking about the new Hoobastank album. News flash: HOOBASTANK SUCKS. They ruined the Red Martini by getting beer at a martini bar (Call me pretentious but I think that is kind of asinine. Like ordering a hamburger at a sushi restaurant) and made club impossible to go to as they would get drunk and fight, like niggas but minus the humor and entertainment because there is nothing better than a thug fight. That being said, after moving out of the Springs and its sometimes ass-backwards social life I saw that bros are everywhere. In Denver there are MORE OF THEM AND MY GOD THEY CAN BE ANNOYING but Denver also has hipsters, douchebags, wannabe thugs and of course dudes in tight pants. After a while, you realized you can only do what you can. Bros will get drunk, yell “NO HOMO!” and be all-around asshats but in the end you have to just do what you do and have fun where you can. Besides, if you are going to let someone else dictate or diffuse your fun with their actions, unless they are directly impeding your enjoyment, you are an idiot because its YOUR life and it is up to you to enjoy yourself. I would prefer bros be kicked out of bars when they order bottle service and dance on tables (Wow…bros sound like drunk women. MESSAGE!) but they aren’t and I cant stop it so I respect their right to be idiots as long as they don’t impede on me. That’s growing up…in the most ass way possible. I’m not perfect, assholes.

What Did I Learn From Women

Not a MOTHERFUCKING thing. Well, let me clarify that statement. Much like as a Black man I learn little to nothing from Flavor Flav and 50 Cent, I understand that some people are just going to be who they are. You cant stop them, and nor do you want to because I would hate having someone tell me who to be. That doesn’t mean I’m not being a fucking dipshit, I just don’t want to hear about it. Over the last ten years I have heard all the theories and lies about women being smarter than men by women with no science to back it up (Because intelligence is situational unless you are focusing on specific subjects) and men who tell that lie so they can fuck them. Sadly, lying equals fucking. If you are a woman that says “I would never fuck a man that lies to me!” then you are lying to yourself because every man that has fucked you or tried to fuck you, whether maliciously or unconsciously has lied to you because the vagina is like the lying bush (My innuendo is priceless). For some reason, men will say anything they can to get into it no matter the consequences. I used to think that men were taking advantage of women because men would say what women wanted to hear, fuck them and then leave them but there is one thing I have learned from women over the last few years:

They hear what they want, when they want.

Now most people do that, no matter what. But if a woman WANTS to believe you love her, then she will. If a woman wants to fuck you, she will. Whether or not she (or he) thinks of the repercussions is a different blog and the answer IS FUCKING NO BECAUSE HUMANS ARE STUPID. I guess I learned that in some ways I didn’t give women enough credit from the standpoint that decisions made are theirs. They know what they are getting into from the beginning. Not in a negative way, but when a woman has sex and she gets pregnant it isn’t like SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM AND HOW THEY ARE MADE! If she doesn’t, then there are bigger problems that she needs to tackle. If she has sex with a man and regrets it because he doesn’t call her back…or even better stalks her…she knew the end results that could happen. I know I do, and I had to accept them. Boy, did I have to accept them. Fun times, they were NOT being scared to GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT IN FEAR.

What I have learned from women is that they are people. Okay, I know that sounds bad but they can do stuff now!

In all seriousness, those in the know understand what I mean when I say that for a long time I wondered whether women were crazy (Literally. I’ll tell you after a few drinks) because there was no reason for the actions I had seen. Now I say this from what I HAVE SEEN, not what you have seen. Since those days and stepping out of the Springs I realize that women know what they are doing at all times. To think that they don’t would be insane. Whether or not they believe in the consequences of their actions once again is another blog altogether. Now let me say that men don’t get off easy here. The douchery I have seen among men and their actions to women has been mind-numbingly RIDICULOUS and I understand why some women out there think the way they think about men because a good majority of us are one chromosome away from being missing links. That brings me back to what I learned about women being people. People make mistakes, but they also have to decide what they want to learn from them. I would have to say that the main thing I have learned is that I know nothing and have a lot more to learn. I have met people that have made mistakes and learned from them and those are the female friends I am closest to. I also have ones that have made mistakes and will blame anyone and everyone except themselves…and they aren’t my friends anymore. If you aren’t trying to get better, you are getting left behind. Yeah, I said it.

Well, I am about to cut out of this piece. Getting late and its hella cold. I’ll try to be back over the weekend and if not, then definitely on Monday to give an update on the new position. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. Minus The Pervert In The Red Suit, I Mean.

What is up, peeps? I am back after another hiatus and it was a pretty good rest. Blogging is a lot harder than it used to be, mostly because of how much work I have to put into not ripping people a new one solely for the fact that they deserve it. If there I have learned NOTHING this year it is the fact that some people flat out never learn and no matter what you do or say, their dipshittery will reign supreme over logic and….well common sense. In the end you let them do their own dumb shit, and the universe will right itself as it may. In other words, fuck them.

So that brings me to today’s blog. Now it has been a long while since I have done a blog about something/a topic rather than just posting random thoughts. In this case, I just deemed it time to kick it old school because there are sometimes that I miss the old me from a creative standpoint. What I feel like blogging about this week ties into something that has been a running theme of this blog since I started this in 2006:

LEARNING

Now learning is something that is a case by case and person by person basis. Two people can go through the same situation and learn COMPLETELY different things from that situation. In the end, netiher is wrong because you learned something. What is key is how you use what you have learned to either climb out of that spot or go down the ladder further. Or in the case of some people, stay in the EXACT SAME SPOT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LOSE THE COMFORT. Sad, I admit.

I had a conversation yesterday with someone that I kind of trust, more so than most people I have known, and I came to a very interesting conclusion about people and how they handle problems:

You are only as broken as you let yourself become.

Honestly, no one escapes their childhood unscathed or goes through life without issue. Shit happens, you accept it, take it on the chin and fight back or you avoid it. No matter what path you choose, if something happens and you don’t take SOMETHING out of it to grow on, why in the fuck do you get up in the morning? You might as well just read those choose your own adventure books because you sure as hell aren’t getting any substance out of doing the same things that weren’t getting you any substance before.

Well, I’m out for now. I’ll be back later this week for something more in-depth. Got to get ready for another week. Until next time, stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

People Who Say Life Is Complex Or Hard Don't Know The Konami Code.

What is up, peeps?! I am back again real quick because…well it has been 48 hours since I have had a drink and I am running on about 5 hours of sleep over the last three days. HELLS YES!!! I give it until Wednesday until I start seeing giant blue panda bears dancing to Debbie Gibson’s “Shake Your Love”:

I am MESSED UP. No seriously, this shit aint normal. Even though I like “Lost In Your Eyes” a hell of a lot better. So I do have to say that the urge of getting back into blogging again has been really helpful. A friend of mine brought up a great point about sometimes life gets in the way of doing the things you enjoy which are simple and you take for granted until you don’t do them anymore. I must say that this has been one of them. After taking time to read my past blogs…they were scathing as hell. At least I didn’t keep that rage inside and got it out in a forum where people could say “FUCK YOU, FUCKY!” or “I FUCKING AGREE WITH YOU, FUCKY!” which was always a great thing.

Today while I sat in my cubicle wondering what I’m heading for, wishing I could take myself to the sky (LOST IN YOUR EYES, BITCHES! TWO DEBBIE GIBSON REFERENCES IN ONE BLOG EQUALS WIN!) when something hit me. It was something I must have thought about before because it has been in literature for YEARS but from a logical standpoint it is one many adults just chalk up to living in “reality” but honestly…

WHAT HAPPENS TO A DREAM DEFERRED?

Now a lot of people say “I run my own business, that’s my dream!” which is fine but that is not what I mean. When I say a dream deferred, I am talking about when you were 7 or 8 and wanted to be a ninja or a vampire hunting ballerina? Now that sounds made up, but in the 6th grade there was a girl who said she wanted to be that and god damn it I should have married that crazy ass girl because THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME DREAM EVER. I digress. I mean, when I was young I wanted to be Batman and the only thing that really kept me from being Batman is I couldn’t decide which Batman I wanted to be. The Adam West Batman or the Frank Miller “The Dark Knight Returns” Batman. I thought it would be a good idea to be both but I don’t see Adam West breaking the arms of gang leaders nor the grizzled Batman doing the Bat-tusi or having shark repellant in his utility belt. Those dreams kind of just fade away…and for what? I am sure no one wakes up at 10 and says “I want to work in a cubicle and do the minimum with my potential” but at what point are the dreams we had as kids just…dreams? Not goals that seem a little hard to achieve but just ideas the dissolve like so much Alka-Seltzer after a bad night of tequila and Guinness? Maybe a dream…is a goal without the ambition to see it through to fruition? Just some of the things I think about when I wonder how I got where I am and how I lived this long. As a lot of you know…I have kind of lived a life that has been an adventure…that should be lived BY NO ONE. That should be the name of my book.

So another thing before I go because I really need to get some fucking sleep. As many of you know it was a few friends (You know who you are YC and KC. And Griff but part of our deal as friends is that we never admit when we are wrong AND HE CAN GO TO HELL FOR ALL THE TIMES HE BEAT ME AT NBA JAM. Fuck yo SNES, nigga) that have slapped some sense into me after my constant dipshittery and walking headlong into shit that was bad I should have seen a mile away. I am forever greatful, but there was a second person that got me through the last two years of ?WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” moments. That person was Christopher Titus.

Now it was tragic comedy when about 80% of his comedy specials I could go “AH HA!” and “I totally should have seen that! Specifically…her right hand” but at the end of the day there was nothing to do but…well, get over it. Oh, and quit being a wussy. No one goes through their childhood unscathed and the wounds you open as a teenager are the scars you must heal as an adult. If you can never heal those wounds, you will never get better and what holds you where you are will ultimately drown you. Whether it is ideals, motivations or people you have to jettison what doesn’t advance you and embrace what does. In other words:

Couldn’t have said it better myself: when shit hits the fan, step out of the way of the fan. The metaphor is so fucking awesome I will just let you sit and marinate on that until next time. I am tired as shit and I am checking out. I will try to be back at some point this week. It’s good to be back, peeps. It’s good to be back.

Chachi Out

Thanksgiving: The Day That Scott Pilgrim Saved America From The Cleveland Indians. I Don't Think That's What Happened...

So….we meet again. HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! So it has been about two months since I blogged and once again I have to apologize for the absence. It does make the heart grow fonder, much like how much I have missed my sanity and self-respect over the last 18 months or so. Those who know me best understand and for those of you reading this that DON’T know what I mean by that it’s quite alright. No need to rehash the bullshit. So in the famous words of Eric Bischoff, I’M BACK. Queue my theme music, Mr. Sound Man:

Yep, the master is back to dominate. With that being said, it is time to break my foot off in the ass of the blogosphere.

Fuck The World If They Can’t Adjust

So one thing I have learned in the later years of my life is that not everyone is going to like you. As a matter of fact, the majority of people should be too busy on their own lives to be concerned about what you do. Yet, it seems that everyplace I go, there seem to be haters. As B.o.b would say, there are haters everywhere we go. Now there is something to be said for people who honestly find a character flaw in your attitude or beliefs that are actually being a detriment to you and those people should not be seen as haters, but as people trying to help you…as long as their help is genuine. You can tell these people by what they want the end result to be and if they offer advice to fix the issue. If all they do is point out something that they think isn’t good about you or they flat out just talk that shit…congratulations! You have a hater! Relish in that fact; haters are like Chaos Emeralds in Sonic the Hedgehog. Get six and jump in the air and you become SUPER SONIC:

He IS the fastest thing alive and all. So if you have haters, the LAST thing you want to do is let these fuckwits stop you from being you. You know why? YOU ARE THE SHIT, THAT’S WHY! Unless what you do is hurting your ability to progress, fuck them haters in their hatin ass faces. I have some people out there that really need to hear this (And I needed to hear it earlier this year, thanks to the homies for that one) and if you don’t hear it from others, you are hearing from the Deuce:

You are the shit and fuck the world if they can’t adjust.

People hate on you because they want to BE YOU BUT CAN’T. They try to make you feel like they feel which is miserable because they don’t have the ability to carry themselves the way you carry yourself. They talk shit about you because they know that is the only way they can touch you and stop your shine. You know what, though? They can’t be you and you don’t want to be them so let them haters hate because that’s all they know how to do. Cheaters cheat, losers lose, bitches bitch and haters hate. If you are dating a hater that makes you feel like shit because you are being you, drop that dead weight and let it sink like the rap career of Kevin Federline. You have a friend that is always talking that shit when you try to do it bigger and better? Kick that sumbitch to the curb like Edward Norton in American History X. What am I trying to tell you? Katt, drop the knowledge on these people WILL YOU?:

In closing, I end this segment with one of my new phrases for 2011:

Those that can’t participate, hate.

Yeah, I am kind of in the mood right now. So there is something else I need to touch on real quick before I head out.

Self-Destruction Should Be Just That: SELF-DESTRUCTION

I have learned in my many years on this big blue orb we call Earth and living this crazy journey we call life that you can’t help those that don’t want to be helped. Save those that don’t want to be saved. It gets to the point that the monster you chase and seek to destroy is the monster that you become. Deep shit from a simple man, I admit. With that being said, when you go down the rabbit-hole to save someone, you cannot go so deep that you cannot get out yourself. I have said in many blogs that friendship is circular, give and take if you will. Just like any relationship if you give more than you get or vice versa then you are taking advantage of the relationship. Ask yourself when someone seems to be taking you down a road that you feel that you shouldn’t have to travel: if you needed their guidance down that road would they walk with you? I can honestly say that of my friends that I have been down with since jump street (You know who you are) that they would go down that road with me, have gone down that road with me and we both learned that either the gasoline wasn’t worth it (WALK AWAY ROAD WARRIOR!) or that the magic sword at the end of the graveyard was worth it because it’s dangerous out there and you’ll need it. You should totally take it.

Always remember, peeps. Help is not only as good as the person giving it, it is only as effective as the person accepting it. There comes a point that no matter how good of a friend they are that you have to walk them down that road and you will have to come to a stop for their benefit. Then tell them:

“The rest of this voyage you have to do on your own. I will watch you from here, but to go with you will not benefit you. I will be here for you when you find the answer. If you can’t find the answer alone, THEN I will walk with you.”

That right there to me is true friendship: knowing when to lead, when to follow and when to walk side-by-side with those you care about. What do I know; I’m just a man with a dream and a love of Korean pop. My mom thinks I’m a catch!

So that is all for now. It is good to be back and I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. If you are with your family and loved ones this year, please cherish the time with them. If I have learned nothing in 2010, it is that friendships based off of convenience come and go but true friendship is something that is based on giving. You take what you must and give all you can. Damn, I got to stop getting all emo and mushing during the holidays. I will be back to insulting Blacks and women in my next blog, I promise! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

Oh, and I will likely do a 2010 People’s Choice blog again like I have done every year so if you want me to rant on something leave a comment or something like that. I’ll get to it. Again, have a Happy Thanksgiving, peeps!

Hell yeah, bird is the word!

Chachi Out
(DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY THAT AGAIN!)