The Passion of Chachi

I Know, I Know. I Am As Reliable As A Catholic Condom.

2011-12-11T21:55:00.001-07:00

What is up peeps?! Yes, I know it has been a while so just stop with the “WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN AT, NIGGA?!” before it even starts. It has been a rather interesting last few months and those of you that know me know what’s up but those that don’t just know there has been a good reason why I have been gone. Takes time to write and I have been a tad bit occupied. I’m sorry and I promise to be up more often. I know I say that a lot but I will be up when it hits me.

With that being said, its time for….

Where You Been At?!

Yep, I Am Officially Old

Well, I turned 31 a few months back in September and I must say…it was a good night but the feeling has become underwhelming. When I turned 29, I was in such a panic because I was unemployed and wondering if it was time to just give up and be a gigolo:

Worked for David Lee Roth and those of you that know me understand the hilarity of this video in reference to that last paragraph. At the same time…life goes on without me. Sad and lonely! Sad and lonely! Yeah, three people get that and that is why we are homies for life.

But when I turned 30…I realized that you are only where you are because you haven’t gotten to where you want to be. You are only as stuck as you allow yourself to be and although I have realized that a few times over the years when times get rough you do forget that fact. So it was at that point that I decided to make moves to get to where I want to be and getting older no longer became a hassle or a fear. When I was in my 20’s I dreaded hitting 30. Now that it happened and especially since when I turned 31 I did the exact same thing that I do when I hang out with my friends anyway I learned that getting older only gets hard if you don’t actually grow up. Anyone that knew me in my mid-20’s knows…I was a fucking HOT MESS before the term even existed but I always learned from my asshatery which meant I was always learning shit. So as I got into my late 20’s and eventually thirty I had done all my stupidity and now all the new stuff (Except for one…Joey knows what I’m talking about! Amirite? Man, I am such a BITCH!) is just Version 2.0 of old stuff and I can handle because I am mad at myself for doing the same shit twice. Getting older is learning from mistakes no matter how often they come. That’s what 30 will teach you. That’s about it, though.

Women Don’t Get Better With Age

Yeah, I said it. From first-hand experience (The book of my life is coming soon and I honestly believe Charlie Sheen would even be disappointed) and the direct experience of others I have realized that a high percentage of women don’t get better with age. They don’t even get worse. They just stay the damn same. It took a minute to realize but the same non-sensical views about chivalry and relationship roles girls have at 20 are the exact same non-sensical views about chivalry and relationship roles women have at 40. Men should open doors and revere them despite them having no character trait or redeeming quality to speak of. I’m sorry but if a woman is something to be attained and prized you have to bring more to the table than a vagina. Learn a fucking knock-knock joke or some shit! Better yet, watch the Sarah Silverman Program and take a few notes:

Nothing hotter than a woman that is FUNNY crazy, not ignore all laws and statutes because she wants to do something “special” despite being told to stay the fuck away crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, men have done NOTHING to help this situation. In my opinion the downfall of man has directly attributed to the fuckery of women. I told a friend today after meeting another friends boyfriend last week that it felt like girls just went to the back of an American Eagle Outfitters and went to the “Bro-Tastic & Hipster Boyfriend Maker” and picked one out of the boyfriend rotisserie. Then there are Black men…which I don’t know many aside from those I knew in high school. I can say this: I TRULY understand why Black women are frustrated…and it’s your own fault. This actually goes for all women. As you get older and realize there is some shit from a man that you won’t tolerate (No job, no car, no kids, etc.) WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO TOLERATE IT?! If I hear another female friend complain about their man not having a job or having to deal with driving him around or issues with his kids/ex-wife/crazy ex-babymama I will have a Professor Chang freakout:

Do understand, I have said this for years and you all just don’t listen. I will say it ONE LAST TIME:

Men are creatures of habit.

If you sit back and say you are upset about something he does and then you let him continue to do it…HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT BECAUSE HE IS A CREATURE OF HABIT! Unless you curb the behavior and stop putting up with men doing dumb shit they will continue to do dumb shit! Hence why R&B sucks, the number of baby mamas is on the rise and Tyler Perry hasn’t been taken into the street and beaten with whiffle bats.

In the end, this is something I said to a friend of mine and I don’t honestly think I am wrong about this anymore. Now this isn’t ALL women just like ALL men don’t like to bro out with the bros rather than take their woman out to see A Christmas Carol. However, it is rather true:

The major issue is the majority of women we interact with aren’t fun and have no personalities because they have been taught since birth that that are objects to be desired and attained. Therefore HE should have culture and HE should have personality because HE needs those to win YOU. So they never have to actually be engaging or witty. Cold? Yes. True? Partially. Needed to be said, though.

It can actually be put best in the words of an old rhetor…

All I say is for help, not to hurt. Live, laugh and learn peeps. It’s good to be back.

Chachi Out

Ladies, Stop Saying "Watch Me Do Me"...It Never Means What We Think It Does.

2011-05-31T15:09:00.000-07:00

Well guess whose back in the mickey-ficking house? With a brand new blog for your mickey-ficking mouth? Yeah, that’s me. So tomorrow puts us at the half-way month for 2011 and I must say that things are going a lot better in 2011 than they did in 2010. You all know the cluster that 2010 was and even though some great things came out of the year, it was still the model of wasted times and deferred dreams. You learn from mistakes, though.

So this weekend I spent Sunday and Monday with the fam and after spending Sunday night downtown in Colorado Springs (Don’t ask why…I knew it was a bad idea when I went) I realized that in the famous words of Alfred in Batman Begins:

Some men (and women) just want to watch the world burn. Now that may seem to be a bit of hyperbole but to a degree it is very, VERY true. When I sit back and see someone in the club drink to the point of being belligerent and getting violent I sit back and wonder why would they do something that idiotic if they didn’t want to just ruin the fun for everyone else? I mean there is no reason the fight in the club. Now we all know that aint NO ONE above an ass-whoopin (There are some people whose heads I wish I could go upside right now) but there is a time to fight and a time to let it slide. Getting drunk and acting like an idiot isn’t the right thing to do AT ANY TIME so please just stop. Usually the party can keep on going after the dipshit gets tossed out so we can always just shuffle around those asshats:

That song makes EVERYTHING better. EVERYTHING. I mean even Jesus is dancing to this song!

So a discussion at while I was at lunch came up and it really made me realize that a lot of times…I am right when I NEED to be wrong. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that women don’t want to see men happy unless they are with them because women don’t believe they are fun. It KILLED me when I saw the Kevin Hart segment about it on his comedy special because I can remember that being true back when women were crazy enough to date me (Although it was less dating, more just them yelling at me and asking “where have you been all night?!” at 8pm) and it was totally the case. Even now, women I am just FRIENDS with have to know where I am going and who I am with. Now it could just be for conversation but I noticed that I don’t care who my friends are with if they aren’t with me. Hell, you can hang out with people I don’t even fucking like as long as you don’t bring their simple asses around me.

I understand, ladies. I really do. I want to be part of a good time as well. When people have fun and I am not invited there is that initial “Aw, man I wish I was invited” and then that is followed by “HOLY SHIT, IT’S A PITBULL SONG!”

As we all know, the more Pitbull in something the better it is. Everything could use more Pitbull. Anyway, at that point I am off and doing my own thing which usually ends up at Crocs dancing with large women. Aaahh, you never forget the horrible actions at the Den of Inequity. It is still fun and man…some women just HATE the fact that you can have fun without them. It is almost like treason to go out and have a good time with other people when you have any kind of female that is more to you than just someone that steals your knives for their own sneak attacks. Man, I have lived in some messed up shit!

Now I rarely think that this is on purpose, at least in the cases that I have personally dealt with (Except for a few crazy ass cases in which I had to drop their asses like a looter in a riot. Cypress Hill, bitches!). I honestly think that women have to (and again, THIS IS NOT A BAD THING!) be the center of happiness for an individual, especially a man. Now this isn’t always a negative, sometimes they just want to know they are special to that person and them going out and having a better time with OTHERS than with THEM can be hurtful which I get completely. Now maybe it is just me because I have rarely had anything in common with my female friends and even LESS with the few women that dated me but I was happy when they went out with their girlfriends and had a good time because odds are, I sure as FUCK didn’t want to go with them to that place. Just like I don’t want to drag someone someplace they don’t want to be and have no interest in going I would hate it for a woman to do the same to me so I DON’T do that. I have always understood trying new things and wanting to be with someone for the sake of their company but if my woman wanted to go line dancing…we breaking up.

Hells no, I won’t go. Anyway, go out and have fun. I am done for the day. I was supposed to be working anyway so it is about time to finish up. I will try to be up at some point this week, though. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Everyday I'm Blogging...When I'm Not Shuffling.

2011-05-30T22:12:00.003-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I will admit that it has been a while since I have been on the scene but things got interesting over the last two months at work and now that I have made the decision that getting the hell out of here is the end result once I hit my year mark, things are beginning to look quite smooth. It is all about making sure I do what needs to be done so that I can finally get out and move to the Pacific Northwest, the birthplace of grunge.

Ahh, back when music was done by those with…what’s that word...talent. So with about 4 months until I turn 31, the people close to me know that when I turned 30 it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal to me and I just kind of hung out. It wasn’t monumental, wasn’t painful. It was kind of just another day. Now that 31 is coming up…I realized WHY 30 wasn’t as panic-ridden as I thought it would be. In the words of Copper:

You have been through so much worse, this is kind of nothing.

Some of you know (And those that don’t…you just don’t) that the last decade from 2000 to 2010 was a Decade of Dipshittery, Destruction and Development (THREE D! Pimpin aint easy!) and that when I say that my life has been a “Series of horrible decisions and tragic events turning out just fine” that I am not making that shit up by any means. Last year I honestly marveled at the fact that “I MADE IT TO THIRTY?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!” and it reminded me a lot of my sophomore year in college when I went from nearly being kicked the fuck out of school to being a senior and not remembering anything about that timeframe. Then I decided that I had gotten that far and I might as well finish the mission so I started going to class and actually learning shit. Now I didn’t learn much, but what DO remember learning has helped me out a great deal. As a matter of fact, it was remembering the things I learned in college that I conveniently forgot when I got older because it was easier to NOT FUCKING THINK that has gotten me to a happy point right now. So, for those that say that college is a waste of time I say to you what Chase said to me in my Ethnic Studies class senior year:

You spend four years getting building blocks of life when you go to college, man. College is what you THINK you were taught and whether it is relevant. It is what you take out of those blocks and build out of the knowledge. Taco?”

Yeah, we used to go to the Albertacos for tacos after class because we had a two hour break. Either way, that is a simple quote that pretty much explains life. Every time you do something, win or lose…whether the result is happy or painful…is a block that you use to build your life out of. You shape your life, no one else does. What you learn and take away from your life, the same as your education, is your onus and yours only. If you don’t learn anything and you dwell on those experiences then the fault is no one’s but yours. Let’s face it: life is full of rejection, heartbreak, defeat, sadness, loss, pain and loneliness. Those are just facts. However, it is how you respond to all of those bad things that determines what kind of person you will become. If you take those blocks, shape them into something that can be used in the future to overcome that issue and use it to build something to help you move on then you are on a pretty good path. However, if you take that SAME issue and shape it into an albatross (Or albacore if you are Master Shake) or anchor to hold you where you are at OR EVEN BETTER shape into something in which you can blame others for your own issue…then you are going to go nowhere and you will build nothing. Just like if you state your education has meant nothing because you haven’t attempted to build something out of your knowledge, if nothing then a career path. You have no one to blame for yourself. In the famous words of MC Breed, aint no future in yo frontin:

Rest in peace, Breed. People still don’t know, and that’s why this song will always be a classic. Now that I have gotten the “MESSAGE!!” portion of the show out of the way, it is time to give you what you came here for: a doling of the business to dipshits that deserve to be smacked the fuck up. Yeah, Chachi is back and people need to catch the business. Time to kick some ass:

Okay, let’s get started.

Issue #1: I Know Why You Mad, I Know Why You Mad!

I have said several times that Katt Williams segments about haters is one reason why I was able to pretty much shut down 2010 because that was a year of bad decisions and questionable actions. Why? All because I let haters get me down. For 28 years (Minus a crazy bitch in college and the whole year 0f 2006…get me a drink and I will tell you sometime) I could tell say fuck the world if they couldn’t adjust but last year I hit as low as I could go. Quite simply, I was nothing more than a vicious ass koala bear that used to be a tiger. Then something happened. I realized that I was not surrounding myself with friends and collegues, I was surrounding myself with haters. They were mad because I could see a situation was FUCKED UP and figure out the gasoline wasn’t worth it. They were mad that I could see that no matter how hard some people tried, they couldn’t be like me so they had to try to break me down. I realized that and figured out that I AM MY STAR PLAYER and I needed to make sure I was happy.

You can’t make someone else happy or lead someone else if you are comfortable with yourself and where you are going. So I broke out and took my talents and friendships elsewhere because I FUCKING COULD. Now these people are STILL mad and STILL hating and at first I was under the mindset of “WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING GET OVER IT AND WORK ON YOUR OWN SHIT?!” and it frustrated me for a while. I just want to be left the hell alone from people that aint about making things better for themselves or others. Then, after a long talk with someone I figured it out. I knew why they was mad. You know why they was mad?

Because those that can’t, hate.

Yep, I am putting that shit on a shirt. People that can’t be happy themselves can only be happy when they hate on those that ARE happy. By making others unhappy like they are, they can in turn be happy because if everyone around them is miserable like they are, they have unhappy people they can be unhappy with. It is a painful that there are people like this but I am sure you can think of people like that right now so I know (sadly) that I am right. So you have to drop those that are trying to pull you down with the quickness. The fact you have to do that because someone is willing to hate is sad, but it brings back the age old question: Why you wanna…playa hata on me?

Mark ass busters!

Issue #2: Pop Is Dead

Yes, I said it. When we look at the landscape and gone are Madonna, Whitney Houston, Cyndi Lauper and Mariah Carey (Pre-crazy Mariah, I mean. She with Nick Cannon now which is a step below rock bottom) to be replaced with Lady GaGa, Ke$ha (ONLY TOO $HORT CAN HAVE THE DOLLAR SIGN IN HIS NAME, BEE-YATCH!), Rihanna (Or as I call her, Popped Eyes because she got two-pieced…too soon?) and Beyonce it makes me realize that all we have to hold on to right now is Justin Timberlake. People can like what they like. I know many people don’t like Atmosphere and Childish Gambino but I don’t take it personal when someone says they don’t. However, when I say “I really don’t like Lady Gaga all that much” people have had the FUCKING NERVE to say that I am a homophobe for not thinking she is a trendsetter. No, David Bowie is a trend setter. Elton John is a trend setter. Annie Lennox is a trend setter. Lady Gaga is average talented and has taken that to superstardom. Which is FINE but don’t sit back and act as if she and Rihanna are the voice of a fucking generation when they are nothing more than singers. Period. It takes a lot more to be a voice of a generation than wearing a meat suit and using religious imagery. If she touches you, that is fan-fucking-tastic. If you like her music, that’s great. Keep that shit to yourself, I will listen to Sara Bareiellis:

I likes what I like.

Issue #3: We Leik Sportz! We Also Don’t Give A FLYING FUCK IF YOU DO.

Okay, I blog about sports from time to time but for the most part I keep the fact that I am a huge sports fan under wraps. The reason why is something I will not go into here (It fucking irritates the shit out of me and those that know me understand why) but I do not understand those that attach to a team to a fanatical point. Was I pissed about Matt Ryan throwing the pick six before the half in the NFC Divisional Playoff game? Hell yeah, but I didn’t get on sports radio and BITCH ABOUT IT LIKE I GOT FIRED BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS. I understand that sports are big for people but it gets to a point where you just sound like an spoiled child that has to have everything go their way, even things they cant control (And I know exactly what that sounds like, I have been dealing with one of them for about a fucking year. YEAH, I SAID IT. That comment was whatever you make of it). Sports are entertainment and business in my opinion, nothing more and nothing less. I can detach myself pretty quickly, even from college sports which is probably my favorite of all of them since the athletes don’t get paid…just ask crack babies:

One of the best episodes ever. Anyway, I try to avoid sports talk at all costs because it causes more pointless arguments aside from political arguments (And politics at least EFFECT US in some way. Whether or not LeBron went to Miami or New York didn’t affect my rent check at-fucking-all) but as you know…Denver loves the Broncos like I love applesauce and they never shut the fuck up about them or how much they hate Oakland to which I say…do EITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS ALTER YOUR LIFE IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY? I leave it at that because the answer is no unless you play for the team or have some stock in them financially. You ponder that shit, I am going to get myself some Jameson’s and ginger ale to help me get through another week of work.

Well, that is all for this week. It is good to be back on the scene and I PROMISE to be back more. Even if it is a quick blurb. I haven’t been able to put the hour or so into typing up my fury or honestly been up to it because I have been tired and annoyed by the dipshittery of those that just don’t get it. Fuck them, I’m back. One more time, with feeling. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Those We Miss The Most Are Often The Ones That You See The Least. Ironic.

2011-03-09T11:08:00.001-07:00

Hey, peeps. Feeling kind of down today. Someone close to me that I hadn’t kept as close of contact with that I would have likes just passed away. Took a while to post this because he was one of the five people I can say have truly shaped my career and honestly how I live my life now. He taught me more about leadership and helping people grow than almost anyone, despite only knowing him for about six months. I hadn’t spoken to him directly in about 10 months or so (A few voicemails and texts were exchanged but that’s about it) but he helped me through one of my lowest points by saying one line and one line only:

“Don’t let this moment define you. The one that defines you…is you.”

I am paraphrasing because I was a bit numb when he told me this but it really calmed me down and taught me a huge lesson about life: you are what you make of yourself. I cannot say enough kind words about this man, and others that knew him better can put the words much better than I can so I won’t even try. All I can say is that if I can be half the man he was when he was alive, I will be more than elated.

It’s funny how those that you know the least amount of time are the ones that touch and shape your lives the most. With that being said, Michael Van Doren, I am a better man for knowing you:

I know you will rest in peace and better things are in store for you. That is all for now. I will have some rants and funny stuff up soon, I promise. I just had to get that out. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Every Time You Update Facebook, A Puppy Gets Rickets.

2011-03-07T20:59:00.004-07:00

Okay, first off I must say that the fact it is 24 degrees outside in March means that I have pissed SOMEONE off in a past life. Or a current life, I don’t know. I kind of drift in and out of my own life because it is more fun that way; I like to be surprised by my actions. So 2011 is only three months old and I have to say that if I have learned nothing, it is that Facebook has offered me little to no redeeming factors to my life. Seeing as how I spend half of my time saying “Who is this person and how did you get on here?” for about 70% of the updates that show up I must say that it has actually confused me more than anything else. It actually makes me understand the plight of older people when they were confused on why we thought that the high-top fade was a good idea….ever:

Okay, now I remember why that was in fashion. Kid N’ Play were DOPE! Anyway, maybe I am lost in the world as Kanye would say but I have to say a few things about the crap that is on there and it goes a little something like this.

#1. No One Gives A SHIT About Your Pokemanz
Pining for nostalgia is one thing, but refusal to accept when no one gives a shit about something is another bag of dead Raichus’. I have been involved in my own searches for more money in my youth (Captain Power and those video tapes you could shoot your plane at, StarCom men and those 55 piece playsets) but at some point…you have caught them all and need to move on. I don’t give a shit about your Pokemon Black, Blue, Turquoise or Menstrual Crimson Versions of that dumb ass game. The next person to inform me that they have Pokemanz…is getting de-friended and getting shot. Maybe not in that fucking order. I don’t care and Pokemon has and always will be the most asinine program since Homeboyz In Outer Space. The only good thing about that show was the goddamn Pokerap and even THAT was slightly above Nelly-worthy:

By the way, only the FIRST Pokerap was worth a shit. All the others after were like the multiple remixes of Tag-Team’s “Whoomp! There It Is” and not worth the time and ended up killing small children. Or not, again I kind of zone in and out.

#2. If You Are Going To Put Your Life On Display…Make Sure You WANT It On Display
Okay, the internet is an open forum that you cannot stop. If you are going to put things about your life on the internet make sure you are ready to have them in a forum that can be read and seen by ANYONE. You think your words don’t make it back to your job when you complain about how shitty your boss is? They do so if you don’t want the world to know then shut the fuck up. You don’t want your pictures showing up on pornsites or places you don’t want them to? Don’t put them up. I know you should have the right for privacy and blah blah blah but someone can buy your address information for less than a fucking Big Mac so if someone wanted to find you, they can and will. Now if someone hacks into your account then by all means you have been violated but to put your information or photos on website that at its core is social networking means that any information you put on there is NETWORKED SOCIALLY. This is coming from a man who is on no less than 100 forums and 300 Facebook pages dressed as a deceased funk musician/singing, lovemaking cartoon chef. I knew the repercussions and I actually embrace that. Now if I showed up on a Fox News site, then I may be pissed but until then I made the choice to dress that way and I don’t mind it’s on the internet. When I put updates about going out and having a few drinks I know exactly the mental vision I give off and I don’t mind because the club can’t handle me right now:

What can I say, I likes to get down. Either way, I am fine with that for the most part. When I don’t want it known what I am doing and how I feel…I DON’T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK.

I have more, but I am kind of burnt out right now. A lot of things weighing on my last nerve and I may have to get buck wild pretty soon. Next blog will likely be about women at the club. Stay tuned!

Chachi Out

R. Kelly: Making Urinals Obsolete Since...12 Play?

2011-02-28T13:19:00.002-07:00

What is up, peeps? It is another Monday and all I have to say is…bleh. This last weekend was interesting to say the least. Thursday was eye opening and Friday at the Tavern was AWESOME. Love seeing white people getting injured to the Cupid Shuffle:

So I quickly wanted to talk about something that a friend of mine pointed out to me. These things are the epitome of annoyance and are some of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. As a man, these things disgust me to a point of looking for other places to frequent because these horrible inventions are there. I am talking about flushless urinals.

Now I have only had to deal with these in newer malls (Park Meadows, I am looking at YOU) and most airports I have landed at over the last few years and until I had it brought to my attention and thought about it, these things are fucking gross. Yes, I know they save the environment by using no water and blah blah blah yakkity smackity but honestly think about this. Whenever you use a urinal, no matter how awesome you are…you get splash back. It is disgusting and annoying but it is a fact of life. Usually, it’s YOUR splash back that hits you in a regular urinal. Plus some nasty ass toilet water, but it is your pee none the less. In a flushless urinal…not so much. You are pretty much R. Kellying yourself because when there is splashback in a urinal that doesn’t flush the persons pee before you is likely still in there. That shit is GROSS.

We all watched “A Convenient Truth” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….whoo…man, Rick and I wish we could get that 30 minutes back) and we know that we need to conserve cake and paper but man, saving the environment shouldn’t mean that I get pissed on. I am just saying.

Well, I needed to get that off my chest. I will be back soon with another quick rant. Going out after work because…it seems like something odd always happens at EVERY JOB I WORK. I really need to make a sitcom out of my life. It would make things a lot more interesting. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Always Remember: It's Not Sexual Harassment If You're Attractive.

2011-02-24T12:46:00.001-07:00

Peeps, we have a problem. For the first time in about…six years or so I think I am sick. It doesn’t happen very often so I am kind of irritated about it because I rarely get ill, let alone get all flu-like and stuff. I am still working, though. Mostly because I can’t be Ciroc Smooth Man of the Year if I let a cold get me down from being at my smoothest:

Smooth don’t take no sabbatical! Man, I wish I could float. I’d have mad honeys.

So I sexual harassment is the topic of this week as it is the beginning of the year and people are being told by their employer that they have to take it because somewhere, somehow….people STILL don’t know what sexual harassment is. Or they choose to ignore the rules and do it anyway which is both douchebaggery and awesomeness all wrapped up into one. I won’t go into all the stories I have heard and seen about sexual harassment but I must say that after being a manager twice (Once directly, once indirectly…because managing outsourced labor out of India is like Bollywood without the awesome dancing):

I would KILL for just once a dance sequence to break out at a job without people looking at you like you just gave their cat a Rusty Venture. They make the day go by faster AND they are a cheap and entertaining team building exercise. Think about your job and how much better it would be if there were spontaneous dance numbers choreographed by Debbie Allen. You think about that, I will continue on.

So on a promo for “House” he was asked by a student (I didn’t really care about the plot, something about a Career Day. Sue me, I don’t really care for the show anymore) “Isn’t that sexual harassment?” to which he responded something along the lines of “Only if the person isn’t hot.” Now this statement made me laugh because it is one of those truths that no one wants to admit but it is the EXACT REASON why sexual harassment is so prevalent: The sexual harassment you want, you don’t get. And the sexual harassment you get…you don’t want.

Okay, now that is a play on a line from The New Guy (An underrated movie, mind you) but I think that it holds true. Americans, for all their depravity, horniness and overall perversity (I’ve seen the internet, and I can’t unsee the majority of it) that we show…we are a totally repressed bunch of high schoolers when it comes to sex. Just dry-humping couches and seeing music videos that look like Caligula meets Lil’ Jon but at the same time the collective minds of the country explode into Jesus Speak when we see a nipple on TV or see two dudes kissing. It is kind of off and the awkward union of conservatism and sexual freedom has screwed up the workplace and made it so I can’t watch a Girl’s Generation video at work and not be seen as a freak:

Good, clean and wholesome fun. Oh, and Yuri is DAMN FINE. There, I said it. So today I present:

Learnin’ With Chachi Presents: What’s The Deal With Sexual Harassment?
Sexual harassment has been a problem for decades, mostly because there are so many different attitudes and beliefs at work. I mean the lines for what is considered complimentary, flirtatious and downright offensive varies by the individual and in some cases (I am looking at YOU women) vary by the day and or hour. Let’s look at a few reasons why sometimes sexual harassment is so difficult to decipher and differentiate from just being a social human being.

Okay, might as well go there in the beginning to get rid of all you fuckwits I will offend with this point.

Women are fucking crazy
Men are fucking stupid
Combine stupid with crazy and you get chaos
That pretty much sums up sexual harassment in a nutshell but I will go deeper for those that are like “HURDURR, THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!” Logic would be that as a man, the same jokes you tell to your friends about women that are offensive, wouldn’t be funny to someone that IS a woman. You know that video with the Japanese woman in the Ziploc bag with holes only in the fun zones? It’s probably not going to be found funny by ANYONE, especially a Japanese woman eating a sandwich from a goddamned Ziploc bag. Who in their right mind would send that to ANYONE, let alone someone where you work? The simple thing for men to do is know their audience.

Now this has been a touchy subject for me for a long time. As an employee I felt like you could be a card carrying member of every racist group in America on your own time and even away from me at work but come in my zone talking about “pick that cotton, niggeeeeeeeer!” and I would have to break a foot off in your ass. When I became a manager that kind of changed because you have to think of the team or company as a whole. Having one person on a team that everyone knows is a racist could bring everyone against them. Now racism and sexual harassment are not the same but follow me on this one. I am going to lead you back to the party soon and there will be punch and pie for everyone.

Men need to know their audience from this standpoint: HAVE SOME COMMON FUCKING SENSE. Think of it like this: whatever you are about to say in front of these people…would you want someone saying to your wife? Think about what MIGHT make a woman uncomfortable (Which could be anything or could be nothing. Hell, some movies I watch they just do anal sex in front of everyone and porn is truth, right?) and just don’t do it. Honestly, is it really that imperative to say that offensive thing right then and there?

Now when it comes to touching or offensive language directed to someone…just no. Now I will be the first to admit that I have no problems hugging people (I have abandonment issues) even at work as long as they are okay with it. I have also partaken in my share of offensive jokes and innuendo at work. Yes, in-your-endo. Is it right? Not really. However, at what point is grabbing someone’s body at work or telling someone “You need to be on…my face” in any way, shape or form the right thing to say? Even if the advance is wanted, doing that in the workplace is inappropriate and can only lead to drama (Get a few in me and I will tell you some stories) for everyone. Either someone is going to be like “Aw, no you didn’t” and someone gets sued or someone will be all “Hell yeah, big boy” and then everyone finds out and you are the talk of the workplace and it is your own fool fault. Either way, there are consequences and repercussions up in this bitch. SO DON’T DO IT.

Now as for women…and I am going to be as nice as possible when I say this…with great power comes great responsibility. You fought so hard to get into the workplace to be treated as equals to men…to just dress like whores and get upset when people look at you? It is like how my grandparents got hit by all them hoses and attacked by them damn dogs for me to wear cornrows and say “Dat be whack, nigga!” at work? No, I try to dress like I have some GOD DAMN SENSE AT WORK. Just because it gets you free drinks at Suite 200 doesn’t mean it is respectable attire for the workplace. I’m sorry, just because you wear clothes that are revealing DOESN’T make you a whore but it DOES make you an asshat because you goddamn well it isn’t appropriate to have your boobs hanging out in plain view because they are in PLAIN VIEW. Someone will look at them and honestly it’s like having spinning rims and getting mad because someone is looking at them spin. Now if someone is just being vulgar then by all means that person is in the wrong but if your skirt doesn’t even go past the length of a wallet, all you have will be out for the public to see. Wrong or right (95% wrong, I admit) people will look and yes it is offensive but again with great power comes great responsibility. There are dress codes for a logical reason. It isn’t to stifle your originality, it is to curb your whoredom and avoid oglers and pervasive comments. Just like the reason you cannot have all red on in the club isn’t for your fashion sense, it is because other niggas fucked it up for the rest of us and your ass might get yourself and others shot. You have the right to wear what you want, but you have the responsibility to wear something professional. In other words: DRESS LIKE YOU GOT SOME GOD DAMNED SENSE.

Lastly, the simple fact is that perception is reality. If someone believes they are being harassed, they are being harassed. The intent may not be there, but the receiver is the one that deciphers your actions (Even though the person in question may not even be a part of the situation but if they see it and feel it is harassment, its harassment) and how they see it is how it is. Long story short…don’t say or do…ANYTHING at work. Arms in, side to side. For god’s sake don’t look at them titties!

I will be back up again soon. You all stay up.

Chachi Out

Nothing Says Love Like A Baby Shooting Arrows

2011-02-14T11:44:00.002-07:00

What is up, people! I know it has been a while since my last update and I apologize because back then things were in a lot of flux. I was at a job that for the first time ever made me want to Sprewell a motherfucker just for seeing said person breathe, the Falcons lost in the playoffs (To Aaron Rogers, of whom I have been a Stan for about 4 years now and prior to that at Cal so it wasn’t as painful but MAN THEY GOT WHOOPED ON!) and I was coming to grips with the fact that Pimp-C was really gone:

Sweet Jones, peeps. Sweet Jones. Anyway, I now have a new job that actually treats me like a human being that breathes air and can put sentences together (I got a Batman yo-yo! SCORE!) and I have FINALLY gotten the riffraff and hangers-on out of my area (For now, we all know that haters are like roaches. They can live forever and show up when you least expect or want them). You will be surprised how much relieving yourself of things that are a detriment, professionally and socially, will help you progress. See previous blogs because I am not going to quote the Eminem line again but if you know it then you understand that it’s time to rock. You don’t get a do-over in life so maximize when you get a chance to do right. Yeah, sometimes I am fucking deep.

So now that we have gotten the pleasantries out of the way, it is time to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart. Sorry, couldn’t keep a straight face about it. Today, it is time for another rant on the most pointless day on the calendar aside from Martin Luther King Jr. Day because I celebrate that day all year round!

Passion of Chachi Presents: Valentine’s Day

First off, for those of you that refer to Valentine’s Day as “V-Day” understand there is only ONE V-Day, and I celebrate it every day. That is VADER DAY!

IT’S VADERTIME! On the Vader Clock, it is just twelve faces of Vader. Well, much like Vader’s White Castle of Fear, I refer to Valentine’s Day as “The Pain Game” because so much is put into a holiday…that doesn’t need to exist. Don’t get me wrong, love is a grand thing. Well, it is for other people because for me love was a plate upside the head followed by a trail of anger in [Insert her native tongue here] while I wonder if I leave will she stab me in the back with something. Yeah, it was a hell of a ride in the 2000’s.

So after the last six days or so of being asked about “Hey, are you taking out your special lady Valentine’s Day?” and the response of “Well, if the court will let me within 100 feet of her I will” not sufficing, one would think that my response to “How do you feel about Valentine’s Day would be best said by Apacolypta:

On a side note, it is interesting on how the musical tastes of your best friends and yourself overlap after a few years of knowing them. Anyway, I personally have never been AGAINST the day. Much how I don’t have an issue with Macs as much as I think their users are pretentious pricks, the same thing with Valentine’s Day. The day itself is just a day. Much like St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco De Mayo, they are days important to some but excuses to party for others. My issue comes with people that think that Valentine’s Day is anything more than just a day to spend with someone special. The people that think you HAVE to be with someone on Valentine’s Day or your life is incomplete. The people who think that if their partner doesn’t do something for them on that day then they don’t care about them at all and they are no better than a baby-punting Hitler lookalike. THOSE are what I hate about Valentine’s Day: the masses.

I think people need to understand that love isn’t something that needs a day to be expressed. Now people say all the time that people that don’t like Valentine’s Day are “bitter” and “lonely” which can be true. I look at Valentine’s Day much like I look the spirit of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas should be decided by the individuals, not by YOU. At Christmas, my family watches The Wiz and reenacts “Ease On Down The Road”:

Okay…I may have made that up. Still, if we DID do that does that make it not Christmas because we didn’t sing Jesus based Christmas songs and drink cocoa? Christmas is what you make of it whether you believe in the nonsensical story of Santa Claus…or even the slightly more nonsensical story of Jesus Christ’s birth. I mean people believe in the Immaculate Conception but don’t believe in chipmunk that sing and/or solve crimes?:

Right, next you will tell me that you don’t believe that a bear can fly a plane. If you get that reference and you are female, single, over the age of 21 and wont mace me…I love you. Back to the point. You make your own Valentine’s Day. For someone to sit back and say you have to be “in love” or “with someone” to enjoy a day for what you want it to be is like saying you can’t enjoy Black History Month pie if you aren’t Black. Yes, White people we have Black History Month pie and it is THE BOMB!

So this whole thing went on a major tangent but the end result is this:

Valentine’s Day is what you decide to make (or not make) of it.
So those of you that hate Valentine’s Day and take every chance to talk about how the holiday is bullshit and just an excuse for people with someone to validate love that should be shown at all times any-fucking-way: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Quit being bitter and have some Black History Month pie. You are single for a reason so relish it before you have to end up splitting Twix bars with some woman or man while you pine for the days when you could enjoy the awesomeness of two Reese’s cups.

For those of you that think that Valentine’s Day is a day that important enough to constantly inquire about other peoples’ plans for the day and you feel the need to put in your worthless two cents about how not having someone must be “so sad” despite no one giving two shits about you or your significant other or what you do at any point EVER let alone now when you act like going to dinner is a novel concept that hasn’t been done before: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Your relationship is exactly that: yours. No one gives a fuck about your happiness and quite honestly if you have to flaunt how happy you are then odds are you aren’t truly that happy. It’s like rappers: the more you flaunt, the less you got. Subtly is a lost concept in the 2K11 but try it. If you don’t, it may be about that time. VADER TIME!:

If every day was Vader Day, there would be a lot less dipshittery. I think Vader-Bombing someone that walks to EVERY OFFICE to show the flowers and bear their boyfriend got them like they are the first person to ever receive anything ever would stop a lot of that stuff. Just saying.

Well, it is good to be back. I will be back up soon and may actually do the Omnibus I was going to do in December if there are enough questions from the readers. Until next time, stay up.

Chachi Out.

2011: The Year I Finally Find Out What Meatloaf Won't Do For Love

2011-01-19T23:03:00.003-07:00

Guess who is back for the 2011?! Yeah, I know it has been a while but you know how it is. Holidays are busy and sometimes you have to tell them haters to fuck themselves in their own faces. Well, not always in that way but they know what they can do.

So it is a new year and a new decade. I have been doing this blog since about February of 2006, going on five years. Even though I haven’t blogged NEAR AS MUCH as I used to, this has still been a great outlet for my happiness and my rage. Mostly rage because…well, people piss me off a lot. But over the years I have had some great blogs (The Zebra Theory, What’s Wrong With Being Shallow, etc.) and some that I kind of wonder how drunk I was when I wrote them (Any blog with an undertone of a woman doing something wrong…which was pretty much all of 2006-2008’s posts) but each post served a purpose and for the readers I did have (Which I am sure I have lost due to my infrequent updates) that got anything from them I am glad to see that it helped in some way. Or truly mindfucked you, either way its better to feel mindfucked than nothing at all.

So last year I spoke a lot about doing what was best for you, especially if what you are doing is to your detriment. Now, as usual, I didn’t FOLLOW MY OWN FUCKING ADVICE and damn near went nuts doing something that personally made me feel like the same Katt Williams clip I played about the tiger:

Boy did I feel like a tiger in a cage. Trying shit, not working, switching up, not working and repeat. Needless to say, those that know me understand what I am talking about and know that I needed to show a motherfucker that I wasn’t bullshitting. You know the deal.

So let’s put the focus on something that I haven’t really spoken about because…I haven’t really blogged since September or so of last year and blogging is about motivation. That and fuckers don’t read anymore. Thinking about Copper’s idea and posting videos on YouTube but there is no originality in that because like I always say, give a fuckwit technology and it will end up on YouTube. Don’t believe me: see Fred. Nuff’ said. So on my sabbatical before I begin my new endeavor, I was remember some things I used to rant about and I had to see something. People that know me (I mean really know me. No offense to casual acquaintances but it is what it is) have seen that over the last two years, I have calmed down (Minus two days worth of rage after some bullshit events in 2010 but once again, I had to go down that rabbit hole to realize that I needed to get the hell away) to a great extent because at the end of the day life is what you make of it and people are what they make of themselves. You can’t blame others for your problems and you can’t fix those that don’t want to be fixed. Realize those two things and you will be a lot happier, as was I. So tonight, I will bring you the first installment of…

Chachi’s One To Grow On: What Did You Learn?

Yes, I know I say that a lot and now I say it to myself whenever something comes up. And away we go!

What Did I Learn From Bros?

For those of you that don’t know what a bro is, here is a news report for you that should explain:

Now two years ago I HATED BROS. Mostly because in Colorado Springs, I couldn’t walk five feet without seeing some fucktard in an Abercrombie shirt with their hat turned backward talking about the new Hoobastank album. News flash: HOOBASTANK SUCKS. They ruined the Red Martini by getting beer at a martini bar (Call me pretentious but I think that is kind of asinine. Like ordering a hamburger at a sushi restaurant) and made club impossible to go to as they would get drunk and fight, like niggas but minus the humor and entertainment because there is nothing better than a thug fight. That being said, after moving out of the Springs and its sometimes ass-backwards social life I saw that bros are everywhere. In Denver there are MORE OF THEM AND MY GOD THEY CAN BE ANNOYING but Denver also has hipsters, douchebags, wannabe thugs and of course dudes in tight pants. After a while, you realized you can only do what you can. Bros will get drunk, yell “NO HOMO!” and be all-around asshats but in the end you have to just do what you do and have fun where you can. Besides, if you are going to let someone else dictate or diffuse your fun with their actions, unless they are directly impeding your enjoyment, you are an idiot because its YOUR life and it is up to you to enjoy yourself. I would prefer bros be kicked out of bars when they order bottle service and dance on tables (Wow…bros sound like drunk women. MESSAGE!) but they aren’t and I cant stop it so I respect their right to be idiots as long as they don’t impede on me. That’s growing up…in the most ass way possible. I’m not perfect, assholes.

What Did I Learn From Women

Not a MOTHERFUCKING thing. Well, let me clarify that statement. Much like as a Black man I learn little to nothing from Flavor Flav and 50 Cent, I understand that some people are just going to be who they are. You cant stop them, and nor do you want to because I would hate having someone tell me who to be. That doesn’t mean I’m not being a fucking dipshit, I just don’t want to hear about it. Over the last ten years I have heard all the theories and lies about women being smarter than men by women with no science to back it up (Because intelligence is situational unless you are focusing on specific subjects) and men who tell that lie so they can fuck them. Sadly, lying equals fucking. If you are a woman that says “I would never fuck a man that lies to me!” then you are lying to yourself because every man that has fucked you or tried to fuck you, whether maliciously or unconsciously has lied to you because the vagina is like the lying bush (My innuendo is priceless). For some reason, men will say anything they can to get into it no matter the consequences. I used to think that men were taking advantage of women because men would say what women wanted to hear, fuck them and then leave them but there is one thing I have learned from women over the last few years:

They hear what they want, when they want.

Now most people do that, no matter what. But if a woman WANTS to believe you love her, then she will. If a woman wants to fuck you, she will. Whether or not she (or he) thinks of the repercussions is a different blog and the answer IS FUCKING NO BECAUSE HUMANS ARE STUPID. I guess I learned that in some ways I didn’t give women enough credit from the standpoint that decisions made are theirs. They know what they are getting into from the beginning. Not in a negative way, but when a woman has sex and she gets pregnant it isn’t like SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM AND HOW THEY ARE MADE! If she doesn’t, then there are bigger problems that she needs to tackle. If she has sex with a man and regrets it because he doesn’t call her back…or even better stalks her…she knew the end results that could happen. I know I do, and I had to accept them. Boy, did I have to accept them. Fun times, they were NOT being scared to GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT IN FEAR.

What I have learned from women is that they are people. Okay, I know that sounds bad but they can do stuff now!

In all seriousness, those in the know understand what I mean when I say that for a long time I wondered whether women were crazy (Literally. I’ll tell you after a few drinks) because there was no reason for the actions I had seen. Now I say this from what I HAVE SEEN, not what you have seen. Since those days and stepping out of the Springs I realize that women know what they are doing at all times. To think that they don’t would be insane. Whether or not they believe in the consequences of their actions once again is another blog altogether. Now let me say that men don’t get off easy here. The douchery I have seen among men and their actions to women has been mind-numbingly RIDICULOUS and I understand why some women out there think the way they think about men because a good majority of us are one chromosome away from being missing links. That brings me back to what I learned about women being people. People make mistakes, but they also have to decide what they want to learn from them. I would have to say that the main thing I have learned is that I know nothing and have a lot more to learn. I have met people that have made mistakes and learned from them and those are the female friends I am closest to. I also have ones that have made mistakes and will blame anyone and everyone except themselves…and they aren’t my friends anymore. If you aren’t trying to get better, you are getting left behind. Yeah, I said it.

Well, I am about to cut out of this piece. Getting late and its hella cold. I’ll try to be back over the weekend and if not, then definitely on Monday to give an update on the new position. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. Minus The Pervert In The Red Suit, I Mean.

2010-12-12T23:09:00.001-07:00

What is up, peeps? I am back after another hiatus and it was a pretty good rest. Blogging is a lot harder than it used to be, mostly because of how much work I have to put into not ripping people a new one solely for the fact that they deserve it. If there I have learned NOTHING this year it is the fact that some people flat out never learn and no matter what you do or say, their dipshittery will reign supreme over logic and….well common sense. In the end you let them do their own dumb shit, and the universe will right itself as it may. In other words, fuck them.

So that brings me to today’s blog. Now it has been a long while since I have done a blog about something/a topic rather than just posting random thoughts. In this case, I just deemed it time to kick it old school because there are sometimes that I miss the old me from a creative standpoint. What I feel like blogging about this week ties into something that has been a running theme of this blog since I started this in 2006:

LEARNING

Now learning is something that is a case by case and person by person basis. Two people can go through the same situation and learn COMPLETELY different things from that situation. In the end, netiher is wrong because you learned something. What is key is how you use what you have learned to either climb out of that spot or go down the ladder further. Or in the case of some people, stay in the EXACT SAME SPOT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LOSE THE COMFORT. Sad, I admit.

I had a conversation yesterday with someone that I kind of trust, more so than most people I have known, and I came to a very interesting conclusion about people and how they handle problems:

You are only as broken as you let yourself become.

Honestly, no one escapes their childhood unscathed or goes through life without issue. Shit happens, you accept it, take it on the chin and fight back or you avoid it. No matter what path you choose, if something happens and you don’t take SOMETHING out of it to grow on, why in the fuck do you get up in the morning? You might as well just read those choose your own adventure books because you sure as hell aren’t getting any substance out of doing the same things that weren’t getting you any substance before.

Well, I’m out for now. I’ll be back later this week for something more in-depth. Got to get ready for another week. Until next time, stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

People Who Say Life Is Complex Or Hard Don't Know The Konami Code.

2010-11-29T23:01:00.002-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I am back again real quick because…well it has been 48 hours since I have had a drink and I am running on about 5 hours of sleep over the last three days. HELLS YES!!! I give it until Wednesday until I start seeing giant blue panda bears dancing to Debbie Gibson’s “Shake Your Love”:

I am MESSED UP. No seriously, this shit aint normal. Even though I like “Lost In Your Eyes” a hell of a lot better. So I do have to say that the urge of getting back into blogging again has been really helpful. A friend of mine brought up a great point about sometimes life gets in the way of doing the things you enjoy which are simple and you take for granted until you don’t do them anymore. I must say that this has been one of them. After taking time to read my past blogs…they were scathing as hell. At least I didn’t keep that rage inside and got it out in a forum where people could say “FUCK YOU, FUCKY!” or “I FUCKING AGREE WITH YOU, FUCKY!” which was always a great thing.

Today while I sat in my cubicle wondering what I’m heading for, wishing I could take myself to the sky (LOST IN YOUR EYES, BITCHES! TWO DEBBIE GIBSON REFERENCES IN ONE BLOG EQUALS WIN!) when something hit me. It was something I must have thought about before because it has been in literature for YEARS but from a logical standpoint it is one many adults just chalk up to living in “reality” but honestly…

WHAT HAPPENS TO A DREAM DEFERRED?

Now a lot of people say “I run my own business, that’s my dream!” which is fine but that is not what I mean. When I say a dream deferred, I am talking about when you were 7 or 8 and wanted to be a ninja or a vampire hunting ballerina? Now that sounds made up, but in the 6th grade there was a girl who said she wanted to be that and god damn it I should have married that crazy ass girl because THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME DREAM EVER. I digress. I mean, when I was young I wanted to be Batman and the only thing that really kept me from being Batman is I couldn’t decide which Batman I wanted to be. The Adam West Batman or the Frank Miller “The Dark Knight Returns” Batman. I thought it would be a good idea to be both but I don’t see Adam West breaking the arms of gang leaders nor the grizzled Batman doing the Bat-tusi or having shark repellant in his utility belt. Those dreams kind of just fade away…and for what? I am sure no one wakes up at 10 and says “I want to work in a cubicle and do the minimum with my potential” but at what point are the dreams we had as kids just…dreams? Not goals that seem a little hard to achieve but just ideas the dissolve like so much Alka-Seltzer after a bad night of tequila and Guinness? Maybe a dream…is a goal without the ambition to see it through to fruition? Just some of the things I think about when I wonder how I got where I am and how I lived this long. As a lot of you know…I have kind of lived a life that has been an adventure…that should be lived BY NO ONE. That should be the name of my book.

So another thing before I go because I really need to get some fucking sleep. As many of you know it was a few friends (You know who you are YC and KC. And Griff but part of our deal as friends is that we never admit when we are wrong AND HE CAN GO TO HELL FOR ALL THE TIMES HE BEAT ME AT NBA JAM. Fuck yo SNES, nigga) that have slapped some sense into me after my constant dipshittery and walking headlong into shit that was bad I should have seen a mile away. I am forever greatful, but there was a second person that got me through the last two years of ?WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” moments. That person was Christopher Titus.

Now it was tragic comedy when about 80% of his comedy specials I could go “AH HA!” and “I totally should have seen that! Specifically…her right hand” but at the end of the day there was nothing to do but…well, get over it. Oh, and quit being a wussy. No one goes through their childhood unscathed and the wounds you open as a teenager are the scars you must heal as an adult. If you can never heal those wounds, you will never get better and what holds you where you are will ultimately drown you. Whether it is ideals, motivations or people you have to jettison what doesn’t advance you and embrace what does. In other words:

Couldn’t have said it better myself: when shit hits the fan, step out of the way of the fan. The metaphor is so fucking awesome I will just let you sit and marinate on that until next time. I am tired as shit and I am checking out. I will try to be back at some point this week. It’s good to be back, peeps. It’s good to be back.

Chachi Out

Thanksgiving: The Day That Scott Pilgrim Saved America From The Cleveland Indians. I Don't Think That's What Happened...

2010-11-25T10:58:00.002-07:00

So….we meet again. HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! So it has been about two months since I blogged and once again I have to apologize for the absence. It does make the heart grow fonder, much like how much I have missed my sanity and self-respect over the last 18 months or so. Those who know me best understand and for those of you reading this that DON’T know what I mean by that it’s quite alright. No need to rehash the bullshit. So in the famous words of Eric Bischoff, I’M BACK. Queue my theme music, Mr. Sound Man:

Yep, the master is back to dominate. With that being said, it is time to break my foot off in the ass of the blogosphere.

Fuck The World If They Can’t Adjust

So one thing I have learned in the later years of my life is that not everyone is going to like you. As a matter of fact, the majority of people should be too busy on their own lives to be concerned about what you do. Yet, it seems that everyplace I go, there seem to be haters. As B.o.b would say, there are haters everywhere we go. Now there is something to be said for people who honestly find a character flaw in your attitude or beliefs that are actually being a detriment to you and those people should not be seen as haters, but as people trying to help you…as long as their help is genuine. You can tell these people by what they want the end result to be and if they offer advice to fix the issue. If all they do is point out something that they think isn’t good about you or they flat out just talk that shit…congratulations! You have a hater! Relish in that fact; haters are like Chaos Emeralds in Sonic the Hedgehog. Get six and jump in the air and you become SUPER SONIC:

He IS the fastest thing alive and all. So if you have haters, the LAST thing you want to do is let these fuckwits stop you from being you. You know why? YOU ARE THE SHIT, THAT’S WHY! Unless what you do is hurting your ability to progress, fuck them haters in their hatin ass faces. I have some people out there that really need to hear this (And I needed to hear it earlier this year, thanks to the homies for that one) and if you don’t hear it from others, you are hearing from the Deuce:

You are the shit and fuck the world if they can’t adjust.

People hate on you because they want to BE YOU BUT CAN’T. They try to make you feel like they feel which is miserable because they don’t have the ability to carry themselves the way you carry yourself. They talk shit about you because they know that is the only way they can touch you and stop your shine. You know what, though? They can’t be you and you don’t want to be them so let them haters hate because that’s all they know how to do. Cheaters cheat, losers lose, bitches bitch and haters hate. If you are dating a hater that makes you feel like shit because you are being you, drop that dead weight and let it sink like the rap career of Kevin Federline. You have a friend that is always talking that shit when you try to do it bigger and better? Kick that sumbitch to the curb like Edward Norton in American History X. What am I trying to tell you? Katt, drop the knowledge on these people WILL YOU?:

In closing, I end this segment with one of my new phrases for 2011:

Those that can’t participate, hate.

Yeah, I am kind of in the mood right now. So there is something else I need to touch on real quick before I head out.

Self-Destruction Should Be Just That: SELF-DESTRUCTION

I have learned in my many years on this big blue orb we call Earth and living this crazy journey we call life that you can’t help those that don’t want to be helped. Save those that don’t want to be saved. It gets to the point that the monster you chase and seek to destroy is the monster that you become. Deep shit from a simple man, I admit. With that being said, when you go down the rabbit-hole to save someone, you cannot go so deep that you cannot get out yourself. I have said in many blogs that friendship is circular, give and take if you will. Just like any relationship if you give more than you get or vice versa then you are taking advantage of the relationship. Ask yourself when someone seems to be taking you down a road that you feel that you shouldn’t have to travel: if you needed their guidance down that road would they walk with you? I can honestly say that of my friends that I have been down with since jump street (You know who you are) that they would go down that road with me, have gone down that road with me and we both learned that either the gasoline wasn’t worth it (WALK AWAY ROAD WARRIOR!) or that the magic sword at the end of the graveyard was worth it because it’s dangerous out there and you’ll need it. You should totally take it.

Always remember, peeps. Help is not only as good as the person giving it, it is only as effective as the person accepting it. There comes a point that no matter how good of a friend they are that you have to walk them down that road and you will have to come to a stop for their benefit. Then tell them:

“The rest of this voyage you have to do on your own. I will watch you from here, but to go with you will not benefit you. I will be here for you when you find the answer. If you can’t find the answer alone, THEN I will walk with you.”

That right there to me is true friendship: knowing when to lead, when to follow and when to walk side-by-side with those you care about. What do I know; I’m just a man with a dream and a love of Korean pop. My mom thinks I’m a catch!

So that is all for now. It is good to be back and I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. If you are with your family and loved ones this year, please cherish the time with them. If I have learned nothing in 2010, it is that friendships based off of convenience come and go but true friendship is something that is based on giving. You take what you must and give all you can. Damn, I got to stop getting all emo and mushing during the holidays. I will be back to insulting Blacks and women in my next blog, I promise! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

Oh, and I will likely do a 2010 People’s Choice blog again like I have done every year so if you want me to rant on something leave a comment or something like that. I’ll get to it. Again, have a Happy Thanksgiving, peeps!

Hell yeah, bird is the word!

Chachi Out
(DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO SAY THAT AGAIN!)

The Older You Get, The More You Forget....Stuff....MESSAGE!!!

2010-09-15T16:42:00.009-07:00

What's up, peeps? This weekend is over and I must say it was exactly what I expected: enlighting. I realized that you dont have to do anything you dont want to but at the same time, growth is about doing something you may not really WANT to do. It's life a human is doing, not being. DEEP SHIT, FOOL! Bite me, I can have one deep thought every now and then. Oh, and I will have the NDK pictures up by Friday. If anyone can help me out with what happened Saturday after about 8:45 PM that would be great because I look at these pictures and...I don't remember....ANY of this.

Also, I realized that in the words of T.I. I have lived a hell of a life. Sure, I hit that Combo Breaker that one time in Killer Instinct 2 but as bad ass as that was, I have lived so much more that I didnt know I had done. My peeps know what I mean, but I wont go into detail. Long story short, I will be 30 this Friday and I have realized a lot. Mostly...why am I bitching?! I have had some kickass shit happen to me. Some good, some bad but all of it part of growing. Except for the day with the midget fight and the one armed man. That day was just fucking weird.

I guess I am saying it is time to do what makes you happy. It hit me the other day when I was talking to a total stranger at the karaoke bar when people were talking about resolutions and he flat out said that he won't do them because quite simply:

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

Think about it. With perfection being a flawed concept at it's core, why do people strive for it? How can you constantly work for your "happiness" when you have no idea who you are? If you dont know who you are or even what you want that will create the perfect you...how can you even be happy? How can you even TRY to be a perfect Christian if you have no idea the basic groundworkings of the words? How can you be the perfect husband or wife to your spouse or parent to your children if not only were YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT PERFECT BUT YOU ARENT EVEN A GOOD ENOUGH YOU TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE?!?! IS THIS SINKING IN?!

Yeah, I had a good old fashioned gut check a few days ago. You see, I always knew that reaching for perfection should never be the goal but attempting to complete what makes you happy before attempting anything else. But man, I put that shit to the side for the logical aspect of paying bills and going to work like a good little cog. It got me to where I am at now which is a lot better off then I thought I would be after some of the dumb shit I have done but even still, I am no vampire hunting rock star ninja pirate. Which is what I really want to be but I know that will never happen because ninjas hate rock. It's a conundrum.

I want to close this with a weird ass story. So it was last year after I had an interview for a company that will remain nameless that flew me out for a round of interviews. If you know me, it's the one where they didn't know that my Anglo sounding name belonged to a Negro and long shoty short when I got home I already had an email saying I didnt get the job from one side and a heart-felt apology from the hiring manager about what we were under the assuption was a pure lock. Long story short, after I found that out I went to a rousing game of "Three Man" at Copper's when I decided that whiskey, soju, PBR and then some sake and Kirin at Ichiban's with Zach was a good idea. Which it was, until I went home a laid down after the debacle. When I went to bed, Tupac:Resurrection was on (Which is one of my favorite movies of all time because the words of Tupac Shakur are the epitome of duality which in my opinion is the foundation of the human being) and as I watched it I drank some more soju (Yes, back then I had a stash) and finally just passed out. Then I had a dream where I was sitting on the deck out back looking out and nothing was there. Nothing. And I was just staring, in the same suit I had my interview in. At that point I just sat there when Tupac walked next to me. Yes, THAT Tupac. Then, one of the most vivid and downright ODD dialogs I ever had in a dream occured:

Tupac: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing. Nothing is there.
Tupac: Only you can change that, you know.
(Awkward silence. I look back and the backyard and all the other stuff is there. I turn around and he is gone)
Me: Oooooooookkaay. I think I am dreaming.
Tupac's Voice: Life is hard. You will keep getting knocked down. You know why?
Me: ....uh....because I am a dumbass?
(Awkard silence)
Tupac's Voice: No....because getting knocked down shows you are a trying. If you never try, you never get knocked down because you never fight.
Me: That's deep, nigga.
Tupac's Voice: Shut up. Remember that. It aint about getting knocked down. It aint even about getting back up. It is about what you do when you get up. Because just getting up is part of your instinct...learning is how you grow.
Me: .....Damn, nigga. THAT'S DEEP.
Tupac's Voice: NIGGA SHUT UP! You are dreaming right now. Don't forget what I told you. No body ever learns by giving up.
(At this point, Talib Kweli's "The Blast" begins to play)
Me: Wow....thanks...
Tupac's Voice: Now turn that fucking TV off, nigga.......

I then wake up....and Talib Kweli's "The Blast" is playing on VH1 Soul rather fucking loudly. I am sitting up (Still in my interview clothes, mind you) in front of my computer and guess what is in Windows Media Player? Tupac:Resurrection. So as I was typing this, I got sick of ESPN (No one cares about the greatest game ever played, assholes. I will ruin the ending for you: Giants in overtime...jackass) so I turned the channel to VH1 Soul. Guess what was on? Tupac: Resurrection. Yeah, cosmic like a motherfucker. Oh, and guess what I am about to play? Some Talib Kweli:

Sometimes, life isnt priceless and it isnt a game. Sometimes...life is just life. Quite simply, that is all life can be. All you can do is live and learn as you do it. MESSAGE!!!!!!

Chachi Out.

Chachi's Court Is Now In Session...Again.

2010-09-08T15:25:00.003-07:00

I am back on the scene! What is up, peeps? So I want to talk about something. Now this is a repost from 2008 that has been touched up for pop culture and pertinance (I can't spell, you know that) and it is one of my favorite rants. Mostly because at the time it rang very true for a specific situation (Real life imitating art...who knew?!) and I am hella irritated and wanted to vent. So it is time for a little bit of lawgiving. So here is the first ever installment of…

Master Chief Captain Chachi Lays Down The Law!

This Weeks’ Crime: Infidelity!

Okay, I can say that aside from the Mormons, almost every true friend I have (You know who you are) has been cheated on by a significant other, yours truly included (Multiple times….same person….I’m a dumbass, I know) in some way, shape or form. Now first off let me say that if you are dating or are married to someone and you “cheat” by having sex with someone else then you are quite doing it wrong. I’m sorry you are and here is why:

1. Cowardice: Seriously, if you cannot tackle a problem head on which is causing this need for you to consider infidelity then you shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first fucking place. I mean COME THE FUCK ON and grow up. If you can’t talk to the other person then you probably shouldn’t have been married or started dating in the first place.
2. Selfishness: Now when I say this I mean it in this way: if the other person did to you what you did to them, how would you feel? Odds are (This is a generalization but it rings VERY TRUE) that you would be hurt to no end. And yet…you have the audacity to do it to the other party. Congratulations, you are a selfish shit. If you are selfish in a relationship you shouldn’t be in one; get yourself a fucking hamster or something.
3. Illogical: Now I use this word because I don’t really believe in the word “immoral” because that would invoke religion and I think that now religion has no relevance in relationships because if you have more than one you are already being immoral so the point is moot. However, look at infidelity logically. What would one hope to accomplish with infidelity? One night of passion with a person that isn’t your other? Well, that is fine but is it a logical means to an end? One night (Or several) of sex is worth destroying a relationship? If so then odds are you shouldn’t have been with that person anyway. Even if the other person is a fit, break up with the current person first. It’s just common-fucking-sense.

So there are many more reasons someone would be a dipshit for cheating but there is another party and usually a just as guilty if not GUILTIER party and that is the person that is being cheated on. Now I said last night in jest that you never blame the victim but at the end of the day you have to figure out what made you the victim and how you can avoid being one again. We have all been there whether major or minor and your goal after being victimized should be how to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again. Now I for one have ran into this problem more times than I am comfortable saying (I am batting over .500 with bitches) but when you are the victim of a cheater you have to gauge the situation for yourself; fuck the other party. No matter how much they cry or apologize to you (Sigh, sweet situation narrative truth) you have to remember that why this happened could be your fault so you have to fix YOURSELF before you can accept an apology from the other party. Now here is what kills me the most: people that stay with the person that cheated on them and they do it again. Okay, it is time to get real here.

This is coming from someone who was laid off or outsourced from the same company THREE FUCKING TIMES. Aside from the first time (Which I was informed about prior to being let go but it still hurts when you are pretty much fresh out of college and it is your first real job) every time something like that happened I knew it was coming and I was okay with it because I tried to move out of said situation but roadblocks were in my way. That’s life, though. Now let’s bring this back. If you take back someone that cheated on you, at that point you are never….EVER allowed to be hurt or bitch if they do it to you again. You can never mention it in arguments and you can never say “Oh, I’m over it” when you know damn well you are not. Quit being a candyass and man the fuck up. If Kane can team with the Undertaker after being SET ON FIRE and win tag team championships then you can get over being cheated on. If you cannot, that is fine. Been there and I just had to say the nay no to getting back together. However, the one instance I DID stay I never brought it up again. Not during arguments, not when she was gone past when she said she would be and never when I was drunk (Ground zero! GROUND ZERO!).

That is something you have to accept: if you forgive the person you also have to forgive the act. Say what you will but one party cheats and you stay together, having that always in the back of one’s mind is not healthy. People make mistakes. Interceptions are thrown, line drives are misfielded, three point shooters are left open on botched rotations and occasionally, a defenseman scores on their own goalie. You have to chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. You can’t bring that shit up next season when you feel like they aren’t hustling or they blow an assignment. On a team you have to rely heavily on trust and in a relationship if you don’t have trust then all you have is two people that may happen to like to have sex with each other every now and then. Guess what? You are no better than drunk cats.

At the end of the day, the reason I posted this is because I am through fucking around with people. I have had just about enough of everyone complaining about how they are hurt because of what people did to them. Or better yet, complain about being hurt or feeling mistreated WHILE STILL WITH THE PERSON. In some cases, the person that was cheated on is more at fault for how the situation is handled than the person that cheated. If someone hurts you and you don’t leave then you have no one to blame but yourself. Yes, that person shouldn’t have cheated to begin with but I (Now, anyway) feel about cheating the same way I feel about physical abuse (if it happens once….there really SHOULDN’T BE A SECOND TIME! Now a quick note. I know that the…two or three people that read this may ask why I never lump mental and emotional abuse with physical abuse. Well, mental and emotional abuse are different by person as I can attest to. “You don’t validate my need to dress like a whore and feel normal about it! YOU’RE NOT SUPPORTIVE!” Well, that isn’t what she SAID but that’s how it SOUNDED to me. Quite simply, you never know how people will take it because one person’s joke is another person’s route to feeling de-validated…which she also said I did when I told her that she didn’t need my permission to do things which to HER meant I didn’t care. Abuse of the head is in the receiver and can be interpreted several ways as what I thought was giving freedom to the other party was indifference. Physical abuse is tangible. An uppercut to the gut….is an uppercut to the gut. No matter how you arrange or word the semantics, getting your ass whooped on is getting your ass whooped on…unless you deserve it. There is ALWAYS a reason to kick anyone’s ass; you just never hit a woman. That’s one to grow on.

Okay….new rule. Hitting women is okay if they deserve it AND you have Mentos. Can’t kick no ass without fresh breath! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whoo…..and THAT is why I am single, ladies.

So to lay down the law….

If you cheat, you are a douche. If you stay with a cheater, you are a fucktard. If someone can’t understand the concept of “one person” then they should leave that person and THEN sex up other people. It’s not a difficult process, but human beings are lazy. And with that, it is bedtime. It’s back to the grindstone and I will try to be back up next week sometime. Until then, stay up peeps. And listen to Jermaine Stewart:

This doesn’t count if you are a certain lady out there. You can take your clothes off. And drink that cherry wine….uh-huh. My innuendo is priceless.

IN-YOUR-ENDO!

Whooo...crap I need to do some work.

Chachi Out.

Labor Day: Not A Holiday Saluting Pregnant Women. Glad That Got Cleared Up!

2010-09-06T20:56:00.003-07:00

What’s up, my peeps?! First off, Happy Labor Day! There, I said it now someone get me some applesauce. So it has been a few weeks but I am back on the scene and I must say that I have missed all of you. Even you, Billy in Portland. Yes, I forgive you for all the hate mail about Justin Beiber. He made a song with Kanye and Raekwon so he cant be THAT bad.

So with NDK coming up (Yaaaaay. News at 11, I am not as excited as I once was for it. Sue me) and my 30th birthday the week after that (I EXPECT PRESENTS AND ALCOHOL, MOTHERFUCKERS!) I have to say that September is my favorite month of the year. This month has started off with an awesome bang, seeing as it was a party every night this month so far and as my idol Diddy once said…:

Man, those were the days. Anyway, most of you know that this year has been full of the awesomeness of talking owls and flame-thrower wielding kittens with a HEAPING FUCKING SPOONFUIL OF DIPSHITTERY AND ASSHATEDNESS. A lot of it by me most of it inflicted by the actions of others but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your star player:

Which I did and that is life. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. So with that being said, I learned something today…

1. Gays Can Party: There are two things gays do well. They have sex with the same sex…and FUCKING PARTY. Not enough shirts, though. I mean if niggas in wifebeaters aint club attire you best believe that going shirtless is a fashion nightmare for your ass. Cover it up, thaaaaanks.
2. Tequila = NO: Yeah, I only have it once in a while but when I do you best believe shit hits the fan. I really need to stick to stuff from mother Russia. If it’s clear, have no fear!
3. Life Is Simple: Just fucking live it. The more people sit back and complain about how bad their life is or how bad they are being treated the more difficult it is. Just do what you do and do it well and if it aint working then try something else. Oh, and shut the fuck up about your pain, no one gives a shit. We got our own baggage, so check your shit at the gate.

These are some of many things I have learned over the last few months but one thing has to be said. By the way, if you think this is directed at you…then it is. If you don’t then just listen and learn from this statement:

If People Spent Half The Energy They Use Complaining About Their Life And Trying To Please Others On Fixing Their Own Lives And Making Themselves Better, The World Would Be A Better Place And These People Would Be A Lot Happier.

If it applies to you, think about it. If it doesn’t apply to you then embrace the change. That is all I have to say about that. Lastly…

Sometimes, it is better to channel the energy of pain into growth because since energy cannot be created nor destroyed, you may as well channel it toward bettering yourself and building you into the best you that you can be.

With that being said, its time to kick it a little old school! Here is a blog from June 14th, 2007…

What is up peeps! First off, for my Blogger peeps this is my 350th post! I want to thank you all for coming (189 new visitors this month and counting! It’s only the 14th!) and I hope you enjoy what you have read! Odds are…not so much. Welcome to the party, n00bs!

Well, it is Thursday and you know what that means! Cue up Loverboy for tomorrow because it is almost the weekend! Tomorrow is the Countdown and today I just have a real quick post because I have been getting a lot of questions from people of other races because…well usually I am their only Black friend most of the find. Being as that I am a good resource as a “Born Again Negro” (GOD DAMN THAT IS FUNNY!) I am mostly just sick of your fucking questions and misconceptions. So today it is time. Time to bust a rhyme? Nah, son it is time for…

Passion of Chachi Omnibus II: Black Man’s Burden Edition!

Today I will address the questions I have been asked over the last 12 months or so by other races because you are fuckers and I am sick of your ignorance. This coming from the guy that wants Turkey blown off the map. It’s Constantinople, GET IT RIGHT YOU SWARTHY BASTARDS! First off is a question that has been asked since that fateful day his car chase interrupted the Season Finale of Family Matters (OH, I was so pissed!)….

Question #1: Do Blacks Really Believe OJ Simpson Didn’t Kill Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman

Well…yes and no. You see, there is one word to describe Black people that they will damn near never admit: spiteful. At almost all junctures in time, Black people will take any opportunity to stick it to someone else, especially Whites. It’s why we support Barry Bonds (I don’t really give a fuck, I’m all about Andruw Jones), Kobe Bryant (Proof that anal sex with White women should only be done in movies by Lexington Steel) and R. Kelly (Who actually committed Black on Black urination but a “victory” for Blacks is a “victory” for Blacks even if it is Pyrrhic) so much.

The simple fact is that it is hard to kill two people with one knife. Hell, I couldn’t kill ONE ninja with TWO swords in Ninja Gaiden for the X-Box, so how can one aging Black athlete kill two White people with one shank? It is a rather far fetched thing to grasp because if I ever see somebody getting stabbed I am OUT. Just based on that fact alone, there is enough of a doubt for Blacks to say “Oh, he aint do that shit!” and that quite simply is all they need.

Okay, the real question isn’t if they think he killed them. Few Blacks will say yes because…well they have to keep the lie going. Now I cannot speak for anyone else for this but at the All Black Hands meetings (once a month or so at sometime in August or September. It’s like a party, it starts when people start rolling in) it is kind of accepted that we don’t ever say he did it. We all know he did though, but as long as it pisses off White people they will deny it. So Whites, stop getting upset and I guarantee OJ will say “Yeah I did it! I cried two tears in a bucket, fuck it! Let’s take it to the stage!”

Answer: Of course OJ is innocent! (God, I must be the only Black person that thinks he DID do it. But I aint going to rock the boat)

Next is a question that I thoughally despise because once again, I am one of the few Black people going against the grain on this…

Question #2: Do All Blacks Really Love Watermelon?

Mother fuck. I hate this shit. First off, I will only have watermelon if there is no other fruit available. What?! A Black person that doesn’t like watermelon? Shenanigans! I have this conversation with Griff all the time because whenever I go someplace and I am offered watermelon I kindly say no. Black people look at me like I just raped their dog while Whites look at me like “No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY!” Okay, I am going to level with you. Black people really do love watermelon, despite the racist stigma attached to it. Yes, they gobble it up the same way White people eat cantelope (I’ve seen you, White people!) and spit out the seeds rapid fire like in those offensive ass Warner Brothers cartoons. God, it even makes their lips shine and they make that retarded ass smile like sambo statues back in the 1920’s (Or 2005 in the South. Fuck the South). It is fucking disgusting. Even still…they love it. Yes, just like your encyclopedia says. Without fail, ask a Black person if they want some watermelon and after they kick your ass for being a racist prick (Which I didn’t, funny story if you want to hear it but I couldn’t kick her ass because she was different like that) they will say “Yes, that would be quite a tasty treat.”

Answer: Sadly yes. Chalk one up for Whitey.

Question #3: Do All Black People Love Fried Chicken?

Yes. Simple answer. Yes, that stuff is DELICIOUS! Hell, all people love fried chicken! It is the tastiest off all the fried poultry! I hate how every neighborhood with a Black majority population has a Popeyes (And a gun store, liquor store, check cashing location and a Korean market. No shit, it is infuriating) but hey it’s good eating! White people eat fried chicken, too! They just don’t glorify it as much because you all are faking the funk. Or faking the fowl. So yes, your assumptions are right. Although I will say that it’s not just fried chicken. Barbequed, baked, broiled, sautéed, braised, rotisserie it doesn’t matter. Chicken is the flavor of life, fuck a Lifesaver candy!

Answer: Fuck yeah. Fried chicken is good and good for you!

Question #4: Juice vs. Drink. What is the deal?

Okay, you heard Dave Chappelle mention it and Griff, Carl and I used to talk about this all the time when we had real jobs and got to partake in this mythical ‘juice’ the wealthy had been enjoying for so long. I tell you what, as good as juice may be, nothing cools you down on a hot ass summer day than a tall glass of icy cold grape drink. Juice doesn’t quench thirst! It mixes with alcohol and that is about it! I mean, using orange drink in a mimosa just doesn’t see…right. An “apple-drink-tini” sounds gayer than an “appletini” and trust me, as one who will divulge in an appletini every now and again (not as much now) I know that drink is as queer as Kansas City in springtime. Wow….I don’t even get that joke. I remember Griff was my roommate I went and got me some jugs of juice from the Mart and I was as happy as Akon at a Trinidad all-girls school Homecoming dance. Remember the jugs of juice, Beth? They were actually jugs of DRINK! Wasn’t no juice in them jugs! You know what? It was still tasty as all hell! The simple fact is drink is cheap, tasty and multi-purpose. You can have drink for breakfast (Fortified with NO essential vitamins or minerals, fishes!), lunch (Let me get a #1 and a medium orange drink!) and even at night (SHAWTY LET ME BUY YOU SOME APPLE DRAAAAAANK! See, if T-Pain said that his song may not be so shitty. Naaaaah…)! Juice is really only for breakfast. Hell, you can’t even get orange juice after 10:30am in most places! You can get yo drank on 24/7!

Answer: Drank is nutritious, delicious and most importantly BALLIN! Although I am all about that Cherry Limeade. That’s the only real good juice.

Question #5: What is With Grillz, Spinning Rims, Spinning Chains, Gaudy Chains, LED, Belt Buckles, Jeweled Crucifixes, White Tees, Those Technicolor Dream Coat Nikes, Sidekicks, Jeweled Belt Buckles and any other God Awful Fashion Trend?

Simple answer for this one.

Answer: Niggas and their money are soon parted. The stupider and more expensive the better.

Bonus Question!!!

Question #6: What is with Snapping, Crumping, Walking It Out, Hyphy and the New Dances?

*Sigh* Well, after about…sixty years of being trend setters (The only real dance craze that wasn’t based of something Blacks did was The Lambada. It’s the FORBIDDEN DANCE) they have finally run out of ideas. The last real cool dance was the Harlem Shake.

Even that went to the wayside due to the dislocated shoulders that occurred from it. I remember I popped my shoulder back in 2003 at that Latino Student Union dance; I was out of commission for two month from the dance floor! I was back in time for the “Shoulder Lean” though. The fact is for the most part everything has been done. That’s why so many women are dancing like strippers. They all aren’t morons (a good 60% are, though), they just have no new dances and no originality. Besides, my dances don’t take off, and I have been putting in work! Over the last 3 years I have created:

The Clock (WHAT TIME IS IT?! PARTY TIME!)
The Rodeo Phone
The Manual
The Secretary
The Lollipop Guild
The Lumberjack
The Blue Meanie
The I Like Your Booty But I’m Not Gay
The Machine Gun
The Power Ranger
The Slalom
The Jesus (That….didn’t go over so well)
The Butt Magnet (Not how it sounds. Wait, it is exactly how it sounds)
The Chattanooga Choo-Choo (WHOO-WHOO!)
The Pirate

And not a ONE TOOK OFF! Well, The Clock did that one time at Graham Central Station but that was YEARS ago. The fact is that the days of The Running Man, The Roger Rabbit, The Bus Stop, The Kid ‘N’ Play Kick Step and even The Electric Slide are over. We are stuck with…well what we began with. Shucking and jiving…err…”Chicken Noodle Soup”

Man, fucking Black people. I will be waiting in the fields in Alabama with a bale of cotton singing “Dixie”.

Note, peeps. This is all in fun! If you take this seriously and think I am the mouthpiece for all the Black people (and you 17 fucknuts that want to be referred to as African-American) then you my friend are a nerd. I will be back tomorrow for the Top 20 Video Countdown. Until then, stay up. I’m gonna go and get me some DRANK!

Good stuff. I used to be so awesome! What happened to me?! Eh, either way I will be back up before NDK with something, odds are a rant. Yep, they were quite therapeutic so if you have a topic you want ranted let me know. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

I Give Because I Can...And Because I Have Self-Esteem Issues. Sigh

2010-08-17T20:18:00.001-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I am back up again and I must say it has been a very vindicating to get back to blogging. It has been a great process of opening up, letting go and ranting that has me feeling great like I did in 2007-2008 when I was using the blog as an outlet to let things fly and let them go. Stopped doing that for a while and some of you know the asshole that I became. Never going back again, peeps.

So yesterday I talked about some quotes I have used that I live by. While at work this morning (PANCAKES! FUCK YEAH!) I was talking to some co-workers and after some prodding we got into a discussion about how some awkward things have been said to me in my life from the opposite sex. Now I will admit that a lot was justified because I am kind of a jerk sometimes. That being said, they really helped me learn a lot about my dipshittery and I will share them with you now. So I give to you…

Things My Momma Didn’t Tell Me…

The Best Lines I Have Ever Heard About Me

You Are Too Self-Absorbed To Care About Being Dumped

Well, this is a complete counter to the next statement but I put this one first because at the time I really think I was. If anyone out there remembers me in 2006 when I heard this, my GOD was I a total asshole. I am surprised the friends I still had didn’t try to break my face because I was out of control. So then I understood that statement because I was more concerned about myself than anyone else which makes it hard to logically care about anyone. Mostly, I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for and I have said it many a time on this blog that if you don’t know yourself you can’t really know anyone else. And I was so concerned about me and my own ego (Once again, get a few drinks in me and I open up like a Thai hooker during shore leave) that I really WAS too self-absorbed to care about being hurt which was actually awesome because those times were FUCKED UP and had I not been so selfish I may have ended up being an emo punk bitch:

…more than I am now. So this phrase WAS true at the time. Oh, FUCK YOU BITCH! Yeah, I said it.

Why Do You Try So Hard To Be Liked?

Like I said total opposite of the first statement but very true. I always said that no one will ever love me for me so might as well just be what they want me to be because it’s easier to make friends that way. YES I KNOW THAT IS FUCKING SAD BUT BEAR WITH ME! We WILL make it to the fireworks factory. After a while I realized that I spread myself thin taking time out to interact with people I didn’t really have anything in common with or even feel like offered me anything in return. Hence a lot of burnt cycles. Ouch.

You’re Unfunny.

First off, I may not be a grammar king but I didn’t know “unfunny” was a word. It must be because she said it but at the same time…I AM FUCKING HILARIOUS! As a matter of fact, I am willing to say this with complete confidence:

I AM FUNNIER THAN JESUS

There, I said it. Take THAT bitch! I am funnier than the son of GOD! Mostly because it’s hard to tell jokes when you can’t hold a microphone. ZING! I AM ON IT LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ON A WHOLE WHEAT ROLL! Sorry, Grizzle…I had to.

You Don’t Listen To Me.

Well when I have heard this it was usually because of these three things:

1. I don’t care
2. You aren’t saying anything relevant
3. Rain Is on

AND RAIN HOLDS PRECEDENT! Honestly, I hate it when anyone says that to me because I am always listening to anything that anyone says no matter how irrelevant or annoying. You know who you are and yes I am talking to you. Now I cannot defend myself on this one from the standpoint of those who have said it (Well…two but that is two too many IMHO) I can say that listening is hard for someone when the person speaking wont say anything relevant. I know that that sounds mean but at the end of the day, I am solutions oriented. I thought about it and both people in question would say things like “I just wanted to vent” and that is fine for catharsis but if it’s the same thing…over and over again…with no process to CHANGE THE SITUATION SO YOU WON’T BITCH ABOUT IT…then no I won’t listen because I am sick of listening to it. Sorry, that’s just how I think. Don’t come to me with a problem without a solution because then you are just complaining. If you need to vent that is fine but you better get over that shit once you do because if you bring it to me again…

RKO, BITCHES! Randy Orton = WIN.

Oh, there are so many more but I am on the tired end so I am about to head out. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Some Days I Just Wonder How I Can Be This Damn Awesome.

2010-08-16T21:00:00.002-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I have been gone again and I AM SORRY! Having breakthroughs take time! Yep, thanks to two friends, Boddintons and Guiness I learned that sometimes you have to think like the Road Warrior:

The gas isn’t worth it…just walk away. Which I am and I have to say I feel a lot better for it. Thanks, peeps. You know who you are and yes, I am really that fucking nuts. It made for good entertainment though and great therapy.

So I will be 30 in officially thirty-one days and I must say that I am not as vexxed about it as was about three months ago. Those in the know understand why (Identity crisis already? I LIVEZ IT!) and I want to first say thank you for being there for me in my time of utter and complete dipshittery. Also, I want to thank you for not stabbing me in the head for what seemed like not listening to your sound…and correct…advice. I WAS listening but I am kind of a dumbass. Speaking of being a dumbass, I realized that I have a couple of phrases that I say that are rather telling about who I am. Most of these came out on a Sunday night drinkfest (Good times were had by all!) but the best ideas come inebriated.

Quote #1: My Life Is An Epic Adventure…That Should be Lived By No One

HAHAHAHAHAHA….HA…ha…ha…ouch. Shit that one stings. At the same time I must say had I NOT lived what I had I wouldn’t be the lovable so-and-so I am today. Wait…AW, FUCK!

Quote #2: I Do Things and I Do Them Well. Whether You Like It I Don't Know and I Don't Care.

This has been said to pretty much all of my bosses and every woman I have ever met that I dealt with over the last five years. Explains a lot why I am single and have had authority issues at work. Hey, I’m not proud of my faults but at least I admit them. Although I wont stop them because I’M NOT A QUITTER!

Quote #3: Recent Events Have Shown That You CAN NOT Be Trusted So Yeah…Tracking Device.

Now this quote has nothing to do with nothing but at the same time…I hate you, Griff. Albeit from a nocturnal state this so rings true. And yet…I don’t give a shit because I AM AWESOME AND MY MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH! So fuck you, fucky!

Quote #4: Truth And Honesty Are All Lies. All That Matters Is Confidence.

So I just made this one up. It’s what a keyboard and a lack of sleep can do for you. Add in some spirits and this is about to get good. I am a firm believer in the fact that it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it, it’s all about can you make others BELIEVE what you say. Remember, you can’t spell believe without lie. Holy shit….

I don’t know if I stole that from somewhere but if I didn’t YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! That is some deep stuff right there. Hell that statement is so true I cant even go into how many times that has been proven true TODAY in just walking around and seeing shit. We all have someone from who we totally believed the lies and you know what? It was our own fool fault. Yet, that statement reeks of so much awesomeness I may have to put that on a shirt.

So on another note, I think it may be time to kick it a bit old school. This blog was from last year about this time and it gave me some good lol’s re-reading it and I hope you feel the same. If not…fuck you and go look at Concrete Loop or something.

Chachi’s Shit That Don’t Make Right Good Sense!

Can A Nigga Eat?

So I for one was glad to see Mike Vick get out of jail. I feel his punishment was too severe for the crimes committed but it is the law and that was the punishment. You can say what you will about my views and I will say to you: eat a dick. So he gets out of jail and people have the all out NERVE to say “he should be banned from football!” to which I say…really? Understand something here; I love dogs. I have had the same dog since Kool and the Gang was running around (Not really, but Shaolin is one old dog) and I would never make him fight other dogs for money because I know he would lose. He aint the toughest dog out there. The simple fact is that Mike Vick was just a small business owner that happened to break several laws and statues in the state of Virginia in regards to taking underprivileged and disenfranchised dogs off the street and putting them in an environment that they could earn college credit by…killing each other. Isn’t that the American dream? That and being the greatest professional wrestler of all time?

Okay, that’s just me. Either way, he fucked up. LEGALLY. Fuck your morals and your beliefs on animal rights because they don’t mean shit to me. He broke the law, he was punished and his debt to society has been paid. THE END. It should be up to the discretion of the NFL, the players union and the Pound Puppies on whether Vick should play again. The only thing PETA should be allowed to do is die because I hate them with a passion. I will sodomize a baby seal if it makes one member cry and those are drastic measures but I don’t like fuckwits.

The part that pisses me off the most is the fact that people ignore all the shit others have done but focus on Vick like he has done something worse than others. The Hall of Fame is full of wife beaters, child piledrivers, racists and even murders and no one says shit. Didn’t Ray Lewis stab a nigga DURING SUPER BOWL WEEKEND and he was named Super Bowl MVP? Didn’t Kobe Bryant have butt sex with a White woman (Every man’s dream, don’t you dare lie. It’s great!) and he got away with it? Weren’t Brett Farve and John Daly admitted alcoholics that nearly pissed away their careers? These were things that had NOTHING to do with the game. There wasn’t nary a dog on the field during those Atlanta Falcons games. What happened to those dogs…to me PERSONALLY…wasn’t tragic or wrong. It was illegal and he went to jail for it. That should be it, his time has been served, let this man live his life and leave the decision of whether he plays up to the league.

Women + Technology = NO

You know…I don’t even know what to think anymore. How can we vote for a woman president if they don’t understand THE BASICS? Now if you have ever read ANYTHING I have blogged then you know how I feel about women and technology. I am a firm believer in that if someone violates your privacy by taking pictures of you without your knowledge then that is messed up and you have all reason to be upset. However if you take naked pictures OF YOURSELF on a medium that is easily hacked and then get upset or in an uproar about when they are leaked…well you are on your own, buddy. This proves the Zebra Theory to a fact. Let’s takethis theory to Vanessa Hudgens

A few years ago (Hell, it may have been last year) she got caught in an issue about nude photos of her that were all over the interweb. Now no one knows how they got there, but they did. And everyone was all about the violation of her privacy. To a degree I have to agree but there comes a point where one has to say “You know…people out there have gotten my pictures once so maybe I SHOULD STOP DOING THIS!” Now every female says “It should be my right to take pictures of whatever I want on my phone and not have to worry about it being hacked!” and to that I say if I had wheels, I’d be a wagon. The facts are that people DO hack cell phones and even worse if you send them to your boyfriend and you break up…what the fuck where you thinking in the first place? Seriously? Naked pictures? You really expect them not to go anywhere? Gawd, you must be fucking dense.

Chris Brown and Rihanna….You Know What? Fuck It.

I am so sick of this crap. Not those two, they are just dumb kids doing dumb things. It’s with the people saying “How can she be so stupid?!” and calling Chris Brown a monster. First off, Chris Brown is about as tough as Snagglepuss and twice as queer. Secondly, and follow me on this one because I am going to move fast on this, it is Rihanna’s fault anyway. Now before you all sit back and say “OMG! You support domestic violence?!” I first must say I support punching people in the grill piece that act a fucking fool. Now with THAT being said I am not talking about the supposed ass-whoopin Rihanna got. I am talking about the fact that she could end this bullshit quickly by saying either she is or isn’t interested. By doing that, she creates closure on the subject so everyone can move on to lusting over Megan Fox or whatever. Instead, all she does is leave the door open and does random weirdness like she wants him back. Which is fine, but do understand that people are going to call you a dumbass for trying to stay with him even though he have you the Chris Brown Stunner:

Oddly enough, I am sure this is exactly how it went down. Minus the kick ass music, odds are “Kiss, Kiss” was playing. Either way, both are doing this for the publicity and forgetting the fact that women everywhere are learning that it is okay to go back to a man that kicks your ass in public as long as he can dance. See: Bobby Brown and James Brown. And Chris Brown? What is up with dudes with the last name Brown smacking up on women? I may have just created science, fool!

Okay well I am out for now. I am tired and I need a bottle. Of you know what…

Oh soju, you totally understand me. I will be back up soon, peeps.

Chachi Out

When Shit Hits The Fan...You Step Out Of The Way Of The Fan. MESSAGE!!

2010-08-09T11:48:00.002-07:00

Well it has been a week since I last blogged and man life has been rather special in that timeframe. I really needed someone to talk to, so I took some time out and I talked to my psychiatrist Dr. Deuce and he gave me some really sound advice. Man, the dude is a genius. A drunken, hateful genius that I pay $75 an hour to but man he does good work!

I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again
They say the competition is stiff
But I get a hard dick from this shit, now stick it in
I ain’t never giving in again
caution to the wind, complete freedom
Look at these rappers, how I treat them
So why the fuck would I join them when I beat them
They call me a freak because
I like to spit on these p-ssies fore I eat them

Eminem – No Love

First things first: I poppa freaks all the honeys. HELLS YEAH GRIZZLE!

Sorry, it’s a thing I do. So I have been thinking about that line for about two days now and I am realizing something: living your life can be hard as shit. Man, when you do it is a great feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues and I take myself to task about them whenever I can (Which other people don’t do but hey, who am I to judge those that aint trying to advance. Shits over now, take it like a man). Dr. Deuce on the other hand runs under the Ken Titus Theory of “STOP BEING A WUSSY!” which actually works a hell of a lot better. If something is dragging you down either you go down with the ship or you hop off and save your sanity. Or…you can blow that bitch up, set fire to the other survivors and then go and blow up the company that made the fucking ship. Guess which one I’m going to do. Ah, peeps you know me all too well. It is about that time….take it away, Dr. Deuce!

Dr. Deuce’s Help Corner: Get Off Your Cross, Build A Bridge and Get Over It.

Then I Will Proceed To OBLITERATE That Bridge Because I Don’t Need The Baggage! Yep, you know this is going to be good. Welcome to the session, peeps. Now, let me begin this session by saying I couldn’t give a FUCK about your feelings. This is for your own fool good and if you don’t like it, eat a bag of dicks with a side of piss is a cold glass.

No One Owes You A God Damn Thing.

Understand something about life, no one is owed anything. You can spend all day saying “Man, that motherfucker owes me $10!” but that doesn’t mean you will get that shit. From explanations to apologies the only thing you are owed in life is the gift of living it. If you spend your time obsessing about yourself and why people are doing things to you then you are acting like a fucking victim when in reality you are a bitch nigga. There are two people in this world that are non-gratis and need to be shot on sight:

1. Bitch Niggas
2. Bitch ASS Niggas

If you are going out of your way to get sympathy for shit that is quite simply not that serious then you are a bitch ass nigga and most importanty:

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Riley. Nigga, you gay.

If You Have An Open Relationship, YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP.

Okay, this has been a source of debate between patients and myself and I just you to remember that I’m the doctor. So take two shut-the-fuck-ups and SHUT THE FUCK UP. The thought of an open relationship seems like the best of both worlds but honestly, let’s look at a simple analogy.

A football player signs a contract with a team. Then after signing after a few months he says “Hey, I have been thinking and I want to run some trick plays for another team. In the same division. Your biggest rival.” What would you say? Hells-the-fuck-naw, right? Exactly.

The concept of an open-relationship is based off of the fact that there is something there that you are not getting from the party you are with that you are seeking from someone else. Now a LOGICAL human being would say “Hey, this person isn’t fulfilling all I am looking for in a significant other so either we will talk about what is/isn’t working and try to come to a consensus or we will part.” Sounds like some adult shit, right? Now a dysfunction set of bitch ass niggas will say “I don’t want to be with this person but I am to scared/crazy/lazy to leave so I will say we should have an open-relationship so I can fuck who I want and fill my tank at the Citgo for free!” Oops, you fucked up. You are doomed to dysfunction.

I cannot tell anyone what to do or how to do it. Just be forewarned, just because you live your life one way doesn’t mean others have to be around while you do your dip-shittery. Remember, you can only help those that want to be helped. If they are fine in their little make-believe world of snap-dragons and lollipops then let them stay there. Doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride and if you do GET THE FUCK OUT FAST! That is a ship you don’t want to be on when it goes down. In the famous words of 1944 Dr. Tran…”Don’t I know it”

Sometimes It’s Better To Be The Bad Guy Than The Nice Guy

That one is for you, C-Money. One thing I have noticed is that we live in a society where no one wants to take a look in the mirror and say “what is it about me that is causing this to happen” because people are SO CONVINCED that it’s not their fault. Now I am not a blame person by any means, I am a responsibility person first and foremost. So if you are having the same thing happen to you then maybe it is time to come to grips and take a long look at yourself. I for one believe that if you aren’t doing something once a day to attempt to better yourself then you are wasting your time living and you should kill yourself and give that life to John Ritter or Pimp C (SWEET JONES!) you know…someone that fucking deserves it.

I am letting you true believers know first and foremost you need to do what is best for you. Fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Whether it be emotionally, physically or logically you have to focus on your star player, which is you. Katt Williams said it best, there is always going to be SOMEBODY mad at you:

But in the end you HAVE to focus on what makes YOU better and is best for YOUR sanity. If people don’t like it and they hate….

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Nothing worse than a fucking hater. If you are trying to do better and all they can think of is themselves and how it is effect THEM and THEIR friendship….

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Man, I could see that be an anthem in the club if I get Lil Jon on the hook. Dr. Deuce and Lil’ Jon coming soon! You know what else? There is something that needs to be said about dysfunctional people: they mistake hate with apathy. You see, when you are looking to get better, a hater loves nothing more than to try to bring you down with them because they hate to see people be happy because they aren’t. Don’t deny it! It’s been proven by science! So when you do what you do and others want you to do what they do, they hate when you don’t because you aren’t with them and they don’t want to go where you are. Which is fine, let them do their thing. You have to be prepared when you do and move on because they are going to take it personally because with haters, it’s all about them. It aint NEVER about you, it’s about them and how everything effects them and you are the bad one because you are looking out for your superstar and not them. Being the bad guy hurts but you can’t let that bring you down. You are looking out for your superstar and not the role players. Your real team is down and that is all that matters so…

FUCK THEM IN THEIR HATIN ASS FACES!

Lil Jon, you need to do a new damn album.

Live Like Diddy: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO!

As many of you know, Diddy is one of my most famous clients. He used to be downtrodden after the loss of his friend (He wrote a song about it. Well, The Police wrote a song about it but he takes hits from the 80’s and makes it sound so crazy) and all the haters on him about his shiny suits and lavish lifestyle, he hit a major funk. I mean, he signed LOON for Christ sake. That dude SUCKS. Then Diddy and I met and discussed his life and problems over pandas milk while racing on lions in Constantinople. Diddy calls it Constantinople, it’s fucking called Constantinople. You know what I told him to do?

Live Like Diddy

At first he was confused but I heard from a friend a long time ago that you have to live YOUR live. Living is hard because you want to do for everyone else but if you aren’t living for you….who and what are you living for? Finally after a game of tiddlywinks with several naked women while eating dodo bird egg omelets he realized what I meant. Now look at him:

He don’t give a fuck about you or what you think about him. SHINY SUIT MAN IS FUCKING BACK! I mean now he is courting Rick Ross but you can’t win them all. Ery’day he hustling! So I know all of you cannot ball out of control like Diddy but at LEAST you can live your life to the fullest. In other words DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO! You don’t owe anyone any explanations or apologies. Well, make sure the shit is legal because you don’t have a team of lawyers like Diddy…just ask Shyne. BAM! But do what you want and if people want to be all butt-hurt about that shit then they can pound sand. Live like Diddy, peeps. It’s all he asks of you.

Well, that is enough for the Dr. Deuce session for today. Much like ninjas, Black Dynamite and Popeye I show up when I am needed. Take care and remember….Live Like Diddy.

Wow…you gotta love Dr. Deuce. He may be back to kick more of the truth to the young Black youth so stay tuned. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Do The Franklin: Coming To A Club Near You!

2010-07-30T08:46:00.002-07:00

Yes...another repeat. I am sorry! New blog Sunday, had a really vexxing week. Yeah, I think that describes it. I'll be back with something new soon!

What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.

Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:

As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….

Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing

Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:

Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:

That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.

Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.

Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:

How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:

First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky

(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)

People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain

(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)

Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.

(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)

You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.

Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!

Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.

Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.

Reason #3: Music Sucks

Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:

Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.

With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:

And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….

Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!

Look it up, bitches.

Chachi Out

Even Better The Second Time Around!

2010-07-28T10:21:00.003-07:00

Alright people! It has been a while since I have done an Omnibus based off of the people. Mostly because…I hate the people. Today, I will give the people what they ask for…nay…what they DEMAND of the Passion of Chachi: half-assed answers to your dumb fucking questions. Yeah, you know you love it! So sit back and get ready for…

Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!

Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?

You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?

Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:

Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.

There you go. It is simple really:

Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.

WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:

Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.

Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.

I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?

As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?

Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!

Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.

To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:

1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die

That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.

I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.

Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.

In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:

You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.

Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.

Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:

If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”

Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!

Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?

It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:

“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”

And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!

Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:

FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:

1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.

In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:

“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”

Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.

Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

It's Raining Blogs!

2010-07-27T15:41:00.002-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I am back again and I am beginning to think that it is going to take a minute to get back in the groove of blogging everyday. Back when I was unemployed (And working at Qwest, which was pretty much unemployment with all the drama in a nice, Downtown Denver setting) I was blogging every day and I must say while it made for good entertainment and an excellent release…I was a fricking train wreck. But at least it was an epic train wreck.

So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.

Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most

Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…

SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.

GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!

So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!

So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…

Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!

Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!

Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:

Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.

Reason #2: It Pisses People Off

Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…

WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!

Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.

The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!

Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings

What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:

Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.

Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy

Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!

So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.

Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?

I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…

THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!

I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.

So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.

So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!

Chachi Out

If Being Apart Makes The Heart Grow Fonder, You People Must Want To Love Me Down...

2010-07-26T15:00:00.006-07:00

Alright, people. It has been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. Without a dope blog to step to! THE CHACHI IS BACK! DOIN THE FRANKLIN IN THE 2010, SUCKAS! If you don’t know what the Franklin is, tune in because I will get into it more on later posts. I have been gone for about three months and man...whoa.

Anyway, how have you all been? Good? That’s nice to hear. I have been neglecting you all and I want to apologize. Except for little Billy in Roanoke. Fuck you, Billy I don’t give a shit if you do have cancer of the head. FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! To the rest of you, it’s time to bring back what you have all missed over the last four months or so…THE PAIN!

WU-TANG! Good to be back, peeps. Now that pleasantries are out of the fucking way, it is time to get back to business. It has been a while since I have ranted and since I began following the teachings of the one I call Dr. Deuce. Now he doesn’t have one of those fancy smancy DOCTORATE or those “books” that people read but he has a Bachelors in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies so he has been bestowed the title of doctor by a much higher authority. Now at first he seemed a bit crazy, mostly because he is but he told me to start meditating but drink more and now my anger and loathing has turned into apathy and wanton disregard for the feelings and wants of others. It is a great place to be…but you don’t get invited to many parties.

So I am officially writing TWO books. One is a collection of my blogs (“The Life and Times of Chachi: Blogs at the Speed of Rage” which I am on Chapter 8!) and the second is going to be called “Being The Best You That You Can Be” by Dr. Deuce McGillicuty. Yeah, the title is a work in progress. Here is a quick snippit! For the peeps, I spoil!

Rule #3: Putting Yourself First Isn’t Bad If It Is Used For Your Own Good

Now people always say that you have to look out for the emotional well being of others when you do what you do. Now the Deuce is all for making sure that everyone else is happy and has their moments but really…is it worth it at the expense of you? If you spend time helping others and making sure they are happy you will usually do it at the expense of your own self. Now you can sit back and say “NO DR. DEUCE YOU’RE WRONG!” and to that I will say…fuck you this is my book. Secondly I will ask you to perform a little exercise on yourself:

How Often Do You Feel Unappreciated By People You Consider Friends?

A. Never! My friends are down like Circuit City stocks in the late 2000’s!
B. Almost never. I have a few associates I ponder why I hang with but for the most part I have a stable and too live crew.
C. Sometimes. I feel like half my time is spent helping friends and the other half is spent bitching to other friends HOW MUCH I HELP MY OTHER FRIENDS!
D. Almost always. I have one person I trust and they are less a friend, more of a shrink to tell about the bullshit that happens from my other “friends”
E. I AM A DOORMAT!

Now if you are a D or an E you are definitely doing it fucking wrong. Your best friend HAS TO BE YOURSELF. If you can’t trust yourself to do what is best for you how can you fucking trust anyone to give a shit about what is best for you? Just like Foxy Brown stated in “Big Bad Mama” aint nobody gonna love you like you and if you don’t love yourself others won’t love you. The most important person in your life should be you. Yes, that includes if you have children. Those little bastards would kill you for a kidney for sustenance if the proper moment arose and don’t think they wouldn’t. Remember, behind the glowing eyes of a child’s smile is an evil that cannot be imagined.

Now back to my original point. The Doctor knows that it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself ABOUT yourself and what is wrong with you and taking to task how to fix it. We as people don’t like to fix things ourselves, it is why we outsource shit and use illegal labor to build our garages and handle our technical support. Doing things ourselves and fixing problems is trying and in some cases devastating to accept. However, it is like not taking care of a small anthill in a garden. You let it go because it’s small and isn’t really causing major problems but then more ants are born and the hill gets bigger and bigger until you have super ants with ray guns and crazy six-legged martial arts skills ransacking your rutabagas.

Now giant sized ant problems aside, I am sure you are asking what you can do to make sure that you make yourself happy first so you can make others happy. Well, the Doctor is glad you asked:

1. Love Yourself First: No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.
2. Find Those That Love Themselves: If you associate with those that hate themselves as much as you do, you have something in common but it doesn’t mean it is A GOOD THING.
3. Block And Tackle: The friends you should have, like Katt Williams once said, should block a lot of the drama and help you tackle your problems. If your friends are an obstacle to your happiness or block you from goals, drop them zeros and get with some heroes.
4. Talk To Yourself: Not just when there is no one to talk to. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS, FOOL!

Hells yeah, kicking it old school! In all seriousness, you should take at least ten minutes a day to just talk to yourself. Have a chat with the most important person in your life, the one that can make the most changes to benefit you…and that is you. If you aren’t talking with yourself to see what is working and what isn’t then you are just going to keep on doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you. And that’s just ignant.

Remember, Dr. Deuce’s advice is professional advice from a REAL DOCTOR. At least that’s what his degrees on the wall said. College University State is a real school, right? Anyway, I will post more from Dr. Deuce as I have more sessions. Until then, let me just say that it is good to be back. I missed the peeps and I appreciate the fans and all the emails you guys sent. It shows that someone was listening and gave me a reason to actually DO this blog. Either way…for better or for worse…THE KING IS BACK!

Man, I LOVE THAT FRICKING SONG. And now it pleases me to say once again with feeling…

Chachi Out.

(I so missed that!)

It's 2PM, Do You Know Where Your Awesome Is?

2010-05-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

Been a while! Over a damn month, I admit. Reason being is that I have a new job! Can I get a hells yeah?! Well, I will blog later on this week but here is the latest Countdown:

2PM holds on yet again. I will be back soon, peeps!

Chachi's BACK! Bitches.

In The Future, The Past Is Happening...To THEM.

2010-03-28T21:17:00.002-07:00

It’s your lucky day, fuckers! I am back with a new blog…kind of. You see, a discussion was had recently about sexual partners and their importance in the now when it comes to a relationship or building a relationship. Now first off, this was posted almost two years ago on the blog because I was happier then and it was well before the pressures of the world crushed my spirit. Or not, I kind of zone in and out. Either way, I have always felt that it was a moot point but at the same time I like to vent and release and this was one of the last blogs I had before hitting up 50 hour work weeks and being too tired to drop the knowledge on the peeps. So, this is one of my many previous installments of…

Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!

Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?

You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated

“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”

Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy BOYFRIEND she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.

Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:

Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It

There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.

Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.

No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.

Now, let’s tie this all together. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating; they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the simplest shit.

Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them. Oh, And Shut The Fuck Up About It (Sorry, got a theme here I gotta run with)

Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little thing we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:

1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.

So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:

Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You

Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?

Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed but it isn’t only based on skill, it is based off opportunity and there were many a frat party in college)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah, that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.

Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have and presto, fools…

Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)

If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!

I hope you all learned something because I didn’t. Maybe some Boddington’s and Chimay will help. While I do that, you look at the Countdown:

I loves me some Epik High. Well, that’s all for now. I will try to be up later this week before I see Bo Burnham this weekend in Denver. If anyone is down to go, let me know because the more the merrier. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Sometimes I Wish Black Dynamite Would Use His Kung Fu On Lady GaGa...But Hitting Women Aint Cool.

2010-03-21T11:52:00.003-07:00

So last Friday some of you know I had to say goodbye to my closest friend in Shaolin. Yes, he was my dog. Now I am not one of those people that thought of my dog as a “member of the family” because if a member of my family ate cat poop and was afraid of vacuums I would have disowned them long ago. Shaolin was like a roommate that didn’t really pay rent. He was one that listened to all my stories about women that did me wrong, women I did wrong and everything in between. All he asked for was an occasional belly rub and a turkey leg bone at Thanksgiving. Oh, and some whiskey every now and then but he was a terrier which made him either Scottish or Irish. Either way, he hated the Welsh. And the Turks. He was 17 years old which is well past the life expectancy of his breed so I cannot complain much. We had good times, bad times and times that he had to bail me out of jail which is hard for a dog to do because of breed profiling but he did it. He was literally my dawg and he will be missed. This one is for my homie:

I’m sure he has no idea what they are saying but it’s not about the words. It’s about the words. Or something.

Oh, before I get into the Countdown I just need to let this be known: Lady Gaga fucking sucks. I could care less how many fans she has; even Hitler had a fucking fan base. At least he made the trains run on time, all Lady Gaga makes me do is wish for the old days of Madonna, David Bowie and Prince. Real gender bending trendsetters that actually had some social and lyrical relevance. I mean YES Prince gave us Darling Nikki but he also gave us Purple Rain and Sign ‘O’ The Times:

Lady Gaga is pointless tripe that plays off being a “gay icon” when actuality she has very little lyrical prowess and has above average production which makes people listen because I don’t think ANYONE listens to lyrics anymore. Oh, and about the gay icon bullshit?

Elton John = GAY ICON
Melissa Etheridge = GAY ICON
Freddie Mercury = ULTIMATE GAY ICON
George Michael = GAY ICON
Little Richard = WHOOOOOOOOO GAY ICON, BITCH!
LADY GAGA = NOT A FUCKING GAY ICON

Now I am one that believes you actually have to either be something or fight for the rights of something to be considered an icon of it. I consider Eminem to be a hip hop icon because of what he has done for hip hop despite the complaints of his style and content (Which I agree with but Public Enemy wasn’t about playing Red Rover either, people). Even though some people don’t consider him a hip hop icon because he isn’t Black, that does not and SHOULD NOT take away from his accomplishments and what he has done. Same for Madonna being a “gay icon” because I feel that she has done more for the gay community than others whether it be actually fighting for causes or supporting homosexual artists. Oh, and she actually has SOME (Not a lot!) of musical talent. More than Miss Gaga does, anyway. Lady Gaga plays to a market of “liberated” women that think that being “edgy” means being a fuckwit. Much like 50 Cent played the “ignorant nigga and suburban youths that WANT to be ignorant nigga” card, Gaga has played the fuckwit card and much like instant deaths in God of War III they suck ass but are a fact of life so you gotta just play through until you kick someone’s ass in the 4th person. Or something like that, I’m hella tired right now. Either way, Lady Gaga sucks and for all you people that say “well she has more fans than you!” always remember that just because you have popularity doesn’t mean you deserve it.

Lastly, I spaced on putting the Countdown up last week so here is this weeks:

30. Tohoshinki – Break Out!! (Last Week #23, Two Weeks at #1)
29. 2AM – I Did Wrong (New Entry)
28. SCANDAL – Shukan Sentimental (Last Week #21)
27. Yuya Matsuhita – Trust Me (New Entry)
26. AZU – For You (Last Week #18)
25. T-ara – I’m Really Hurt (New Entry)
24. TRAX – Let You Go (Last Week #19)
23. Hyunah – Change (Last Week #16)
22. F.Cuz – No One (Last Week #29)
21. Do As Infinity – Kimi ga Inai Mirai (Last Week #11)
20. Girl’s Generation – Run Devil Run (New Entry)
19. SeeYa, Davichi & T-ara - Wonder Woman (Last Week #14)
18. L Class – Please Don’t Go (Last Week #24)
17. Untouchable feat Narsha – Live In Your Heart (Last Week #13)
16. C.N. Blue – I’m A Loner (Last Week #9, One Week at #1)
15. AI feat. Namie Amuro – Fake (New Entry)
14. F(x) feat, MIC – Lollipop (Last Week #7)
13. 8eight - Availability Period (Last Week #26)
12. Girls’ Generation – Oh! (Last Week #4, Two Weeks at #1)
11. 2AM – Can’t Let You Go (Last Week #6)
10. ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION – Solanin (Last Week #17)
9. BEAST - Shock (Last Week #15)
8. HALCALI – Endless Night (Last Week #2)
7. BACK-ON feat. Mini – One Step! (Last Week #12)
6. Kim Jong Kook – Can’t Forget (Last Week #5)
5. Epik High – Run (Last Week #20)
4. T-Ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You (Last Week #8)
3. Stereopony - Hanbunko (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
2. KARA – Lupin (Last Week #3)
1. 2NE1 – Try To Copy Me (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)

New number one! I love me some 2NE1.

Well, I will be back up later on this week. Need to post more, if for NOTHING than my on sanity because I am going crazy over here with all the asshatery going on in 2010. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

If You Miss Wasabi, You Better Be Dead or In Jail! And If Yu Are In Jail...BREAK OUT!!!

2010-03-03T12:57:00.003-07:00

What is up, peeps? Well, Anime Wasabi is coming up on Friday and I still need to grab some spirits (PARTY TIME!) but aside from that I am set and ready. With that said…February SUCKED ASS. Hated that shit so fucking much and it made me miserable. Them’s the breaks though and to all involved parties you can EAT A MOTHERFUCKING DICK. Yeah, I said it. March is already looking better so let’s get started!

So I got into a conversation about women’s fashion yesterday which is what drove my post last night and a conversation continued with the same person about a conversation we had last week about women and their lack of logic. Now what I have never understood is that no matter how wrong about a subject a woman will be, plausible deniability becomes their big weapon. I mean, how can you sit back and deny logic at all junctures and points because it fits you. I mean I want to say I am a 2XL but that shit aint gonna happen, people. The reason I bring this up is because of a conversation I had not too long ago with a female friend which almost ended our friendship with the stupidity of her response.

The discussion got whether the number of sexual partners counted in the grand scheme of things when it comes to a relationship. First off, by posing this question to me I let her know that she is relinquishing all her rights and privileges when it comes to being protected by my responses because like a tiger, I am a real motherfucker. The realest motherfucker in the zoo! She made the mistake of saying she was fine with it but I know that isn’t the case but still you go into the tiger cage you may get mauled.

So women sit back and say that their sexual past SHOULDN’T matter but the simple fact is just like a man’s sexual history…it DOES matter. To a logical extent, mind you. The fact is the past is the past and you can’t change it no matter how much you lie about it to yourself. You know who I am talking about. Admit you spread like Smuckers and you will be a lot happier than blaming every man that you say “used you” because you were too stupid to realize they were lying. Yes, I said it and I am sick of the delusion. The people that make the sexual partner issue an issue for the most part is women. Now women will say that it is men that ask but usually it is because they heard from someone that you decided to perform the Love Train on the 1987 San Francisco 49ers defensive front seven. Yes, the Love Train is a move and MAN is it awesome. Takes a talented woman to do that, but I digress.

I always will say that LOGICALLY sexual past is a point to discuss because you kind of need to know who you are going to be laying down with from the safety standpoint. You see, when a friend of mine stated that men she wasn’t dating that she had sex with (Read: One night stands and other acts of random sexual stupidity) didn’t “count” to which I wanted to laugh until I realized she REALLY BELIEVED THAT SHIT. Ladies, understand something loud and clear: STD’S DON’T CARE IF HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND OR NOT. The fact you run by that logic is the exact same as a man thinking that sex with a prostitute doesn’t count because money is involved and he didn’t love her (He loves you! Mostly because you don’t fuck other men for money…or do you?) but you sure as hell wouldn’t stand for that shit. Same concept, although a man that sexes up a prostitute is a pure genius because you have to pay for it in some way shape or form anyway so why pay the restaurant? Get right down to the bizness.

Everyone COUNTS. Does it matter? Not necessarily unless you are a walking candidate for the SuperAIDS. And I will say it right now: if the number is over 30 then yes, that is too many. I already posted the ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index) and I am saying right now that if you are fucking that many people then you need to find a hobby that doesn’t risk pregnancy or emotional emptiness. Name one prostitute that isn’t dead inside or has a daddy issue. Or has a vagina like a NASCAR tire.

Now someone once told me that thirty was a low number. Okay, 30 is a low number if we are talking about home runs in a season during the fucking steroid era. Not when we talk about sexual encounters. I mean, I don’t even have 10 friends so the thought of being entered (or entering for that matter) thirty people seems kind of not…normal? Mostly because about 30% if not higher you will never see again unless you see them at a bar/club or have that always fun moment of not bleeding from your vagina on time. Then…it’s his fault. No one knows why, but it is. Personally sex still scares me as my experience with it has been painful and trauma inducing but there is also a logic factor in all of this. Think about it like this:

Depending on whom you believe (Religious fuckwits, scientific fuckwits or the great people at Planned Parenthood. It’s how I find all of my dates because I knows they fuckin!) the ratios of people with STD’s (Now this is all STD’s ranging from groinal scabs to Mecha-AIDS which has the HIV Zord and everything) in the age range of 24-32 ranges from 5:1 (Just for genital herpes to which I can’t say I agree or disagree) to 27:1 (Combining all STD’s together which skews the numbers a great deal) in the United States. Now these numbers like I said are skewed but look at the GENERIC ODDS. If you have 30 partners, the odds of you having an STD (Even using a condom according to Jesus because if he can’t get no tang, NO ONE GETS NO TANG!) can be up to 90%! Now I believe that this is bullshit on a string but…what reason do you have fucking more than 30 people in the first place?

Now this is odds are where my detachment with reality begins and I go off into my happy land while others go into Dipshitville IMHO. I see no reason to have fucked enough people to create a starting lineup on offense and defense of every major and NON-MAJOR sport. Except for Red Rover, of course. That is just me but I think there are better things to do with your time and you don’t need to take your clothes off to have a good one:

Preach it, Jermaine. Preach it…and yes I know he is dead.

So long story short to answer her question (I think she reads the blog but if not, I needed material so this will do) the number of sexual partners is IMPORTANT, but it shouldn’t be an ISSUE. Disclosure is always good between couples but at the same time you can’t get upset because the other person isn’t a fan of the number. That is just life sometimes. However, if you are looking to do more with this person than take their money and put stuff in their butt (Both parties fall under this one because…bitches be wanting to do some crazy stuff in the bedroom. Am I right, fellas?! Women be shoppin!) then your past needs to be told but not analyzed much like a background check for an employee at work. I mean you wouldn’t want a pederast working with the Boy’s Club just like ladies wouldn’t want their man that had a three-way with Paris Hilton and Magic Johnson. How is THAT for a parallel? Fuck you, fucky I had a rough day today.

Well, I hope that entertained and offended. If not, I really don’t care so fuck off. I am going to grab some soju and hopefully forget that my life is a series of “gotcha nigga!” moments and soul-crushing heartbreak. I kid, I kid! I’m okay…

Trust me 

Oh, one last thing. Here is last weeks Countdown!

Man, it will be four years this August that I have been doing this. Good times. Anyway, I wont be back up until probably Sunday or Monday due to Wasabi. If anyone is down to party to the Chef, come on down! There is always a party in the Chateau De Chef! See you all on Friday and until then, stay up!

Chachi Out

Fighting In The Club? See: Arguing On The Internet. Just Makes You Retarded.

2010-02-24T23:13:00.002-07:00

Alright, people. I have one question and one question only to ask…

When do you become too old to fight in the fucking club?

Seriously? Grown ass men fighting in the club because someone had an old ass Kangol on? I mean I think that it should be worn by RUN DMC and Jam Master Jay only but still that aint a reason to beat up on someone! Okay I know that aint the reason that everybody leveled up their Chris Brown materia and went berserk on this guy (Always gotta keep it nerd) but seriously; at what point is fighting in the club justified? Hell, at what point is fighting justified? I have always said that violence is wrong no matter who you are and who you are fighting (Yes, that goes for women two and that is a completely different blog and if you don’t know my stance on that then read the archives. I will make it easy: if you don’t want to get hit, don’t hit anyone) because there is only ONE REASON to ever fight.

Reason #1: The Glory of Love

You can always fight for love but remember you must SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY! It is also acceptable to fight to stand out above the crowd but if you are seeing it eye to eye then you shouldn’t have to.

Now I understand that sometimes you may think it is prudent to fight in the club. Someone may disrespect you or your lady-friend for instance. Or even worse, someone could step on your Stacy Adams! Or Stetsons for all you people that go to Cowboys or wherever and good for you. Either way, when you fight in the club you ruin the night for everyone else (Sans the free entertainment that comes from your dipshittery) and you just end up looking like a fuckwit. Yeah, I said it. If you have an issue with someone, take it outside and let everyone else enjoy their rum and cokes or whatever the kids are drinking nowdays. Just stop it, because you fuck things up for everyone else. Just like the damn A-bomb.

Well, I just had to get that out. Sick of the douchery. Oh, and to the six people that asked here is the Countdown for last week:

Again, it would serve you better to go to the YouTube page but people are creatures of habit so there. Also, I am considering doing Douchebrawl again. I didn’t do it for 2009 and I really fricking missed it. I let the web domain lapse on the website name but the old web page still exists so I may bring it back this Spring. Anyway, I am out for now. Stay up and I will be back this weekend.

Chachi Out

I Miss Morris Day and The Time. Really, That's The Title. They All Can't Be Gems.

2010-02-14T22:39:00.004-07:00

What is up, peeps?! First off, I have to say that nothing fixes up a shitty week like SHOPPING!

Say what you will and call it what you want, I have to look faboo. So the other day I mentioned that R&B has all but died. Actually, I said that about 10 years ago when R.Kelly was to busy pissing on minors and getting his ass kicked by Ron Isley’s goons (Plies could take a lesson from him on how to do goonery correct) to do anything and we were innindated with Destiny’s Child and all that other stuff. Now I have always said that music is in the ear of the listener but…

Trey Songz = Marvin Gaye?! NO
Beyonce = Aretha Franklin?! NO! (Well, not now because she looks like she ate Patti LaBelle AND Anita Baker. I thought she ate Sade, too but she just released a new album and I am glad to see her back!)

I swear, R&B has gone from the social commentary of the 60’s and the sexy soul of the70’s and 80’s to…I am not sure what to call it now. On another note, does anyone remember the Hey Love commercials?:

*Sigh* I miss BET. BRING BACK GENERATIONS! I actually sat back and watched BET Friday afternoon because…well I aint got a job no more and in the words of Uncle Ruckus all I can do is either rap, sell drugs or rap about selling drugs. My mixtape will be out soon. Anyway, I was watching 106 & Park…which in itself was a bad idea…and I realized that R&B is pretty much just lazy rappers. It’s like…Ja Rule after too much Hennessy. As for females in R&B, just be glad Sade is back because if “Single Ladies” is supposed to be in the same vein as “RESPECT” and “I’m Every Woman” then something is wrong with everything. Maybe it is because my CD collection was relegated to what my parents listened to which was remastered versions of R&B they USED to listen to when they were my age. Maybe it was because I got tired of listening to shirtless dudes singing dumb ass love songs all the damn time. At some point, I just kind of gave up on R&B. As one that grew up on Video Soul it is kind of a sad statement. I mean even when the jheri curl took over and being in an R&B group became a legitimate fire hazard we still had good stuff to listen to. Even Troop had Mamacita!

They don’t even make them like THAT anymore! I’d rather hear Al B. Sure over anything that Jeremiah dude has to sing! How is Al B doing, anyway? Beside the point. I am just very sad that music has made a turn from the Kajagoogoo to the shitty. If you don’t get that train of logic, ask the Copper.

Lastly, there needs to be a definition lesson for all the ladies out there:

Diva – ˈdi və,-vɑ [dee-vuh, -vah] a distinguished female singer; prima donna.

We good on that? Got it down? Okay, now for the next word:

Hustler - –noun
1. an enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2. Slang. a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3. Informal. an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4. Slang. a prostitute.
5. a person who hustles.

Okay, did you read that? Now, are they in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM SIMILAR? No? Well, then we are now in agreement of what everyone should have already fucking known:

DIVA ISN’T A FEMALE VERSION OF A HUSTLER…UNLESS SHE IS A PROSTITUTE

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...that's cold. And knowing is half the battle. The other half….regret. With that being said here is this weeks Countdown!

Kim Jong Kook IS THE FUCKING MAN. Well, I will be back up soon. Just began to look at some of my old blogs and man…that stuff was messed up. I may repost them for nostalgia. Until then, stay up. And happy Valentine's Day, f****r!

My Ode To Soju. At Least It Respects Me!

2010-02-10T22:05:00.002-07:00

What is up, peeps? Pretty good day today as things are looking up and hopefully I will be rocking the box the week after Anime Wasabi. BTW, of anyone would like to be Kyle let me know. I am short on the children! Wait...I may just have to take a seat over there.

Anyway, today I want to give a shout out to the thing that has helped me the most in the last few years. Of everyone out there, you get down to the heart of me...and give me the courage to sing Beat Crusaders in public. Yes...I get loose. So, here is my ode to soju, in haiku form:

My Ode to Soju

Soju, my green pal.
You are there when I am sad,
And you never judge.

*Sigh* you are a good friend, Jinro. A good friend. See you all later, I will rant soon.

Chachi Out.

I Deserve Better Than This! I Am A Doctor, Dammit!

2010-02-09T22:46:00.002-07:00

Alright, what is up peeps? (WELCOME BACK TO THE BLOGOSPHERE, K-MONEY!) It has been a full two months since I have blogged because…well I wanted to keep my nose clean for work and it got me no-fucking-where because at the end of the day people are survivalists. Now some say that you should look for the best in people but those are the people that wake up in a tub filled with ice and one of their kidneys being sold to the Tijuana black market for bail money. I learned that from a doctor.

So now that I am back on the job market for having initiative and pretty much saying “well…you have no idea what the fuck you are doing so I am going to do this myself and eat a dick if you don’t like it” I feel okay in the long run because it WAS NOT GOING TO END WELL ANYWAY. It is like dating a woman for five months that you know her family hates you and you have nothing in common but her kids love you and you love her kids. Leaving would be awkward but you know it is the right thing to do but at the same time you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because…well, you are a pussy. PUSSY!

Maybe I should go into the ice sales business. I once sold ice to a Jew. And you KNOW they look for a bargain. ZING! Yep…I am back to offending the masses. It is what I do best. So since I haven’t been blogging in a while, I missed out on a lot of shit to rant on. I missed ranting on the death of Michael Jackson and how much…I didn’t really care. Tragic it was, but at the end of the day I cared less about Michael after I found out he DIDN’T have sex with children. At least being a pedo would explain the Webster weirdness. Also, I left the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation alone for the most part because he threw enough lefts for the both of us. And rights. YES! With those things passed on, I came back to blog just in time because something is coming up that has been a thorn in my side for a few years now (about three) and I usually get all pissy about it but not this year. Of course I speak about…

VALENTINE’S DAY

Now let me preface this first by saying…it would be smart for you to stop reading. I mean you in the global sense because some of the shit you are about to read in unintelligible, unpalatable and surprisingly enough not yet drunk ramblings. But I have a bottle of soju left and nowhere to go so this could get real good.

Now my experience with Valentine’s Day has been rather “meh” because women don’t love me (or don’t understand, depends on how the wind blows that day) and I am unlovable which makes for the perfect traits of someone that will stand outside your window with a boombox recreating the immortal scene from “Say Anything”. Then I remember that 100 feet is 100 feet and the police could give a FUCK about trying to live in a moment. They were never in LOVE! Or unrequited love in this case! Either way, I haven’t been one to sit back and say that “love sucks!” or “I don’t need to be in a relationship on Valentine’s day to validate myself!” during the stupid ass day because for the most part I feel that way everyday. You see, Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It is about pageantry. What is really wrong with that? Some people feel that they have to partake in such things to show their signifigant other that they love them and they want the world to know. Is that so bad? I mean I still say fuck off because I could care less about you or your relationship but if two people need to show they love each other by celebrating a day that is the second most worthless holiday behind Easter (Dead Jesus = chocolate bunnies and eggs. Nothing says the death and resurrection of the King of the Jews like Hershey’s and breakfast items) for the world to see then who are those in the single community to give a shit? I have never been one that cares about Valentine’s Day but the fact that every single person in America bitches about what a sham it is kind of runs thin. If you need a DAY to validate your love rather than reinforce it then you are doing it wrong. However, if you see Valentine’s Day as a day to complain about the whole institution of love and marriage as a whole like some hippie bitching about the “corporate machine” then you are REALLY doing it wrong. Valentine’s Day are like every other holiday: an avenue for people to make more money. Accept it for what it is and enjoy yourself. So everyone have fun this Valentine’s Day. Celebrate it the way our forefathers did: by raping a slave. Oh come on! That’s fucking funny!

It’s good to be back. Oh, for those five of you here for the Countdown, here it is.

Man, it has been a while since I have posted this on the blog. Yes, I like K-Pop and J-Pop. Want to fight about it? A note, if you HAVE been coming here expecting it you would be best to go to the YouTube channel. From this point on, I will be blogging on here exclusively until I have a reason to stop. SO with that said, I will be back later this week (Odds are Sunday) with a rant about something that has been pissing me off for about 10 years: what in the fuck happened to R&B?! Robin Thicke is the best R&B singer out right now. Yes, the son of the Seaver patriarch is the best in the game right now. Anyway, I will be back soon. If you want a rant about something let me know. I am taking requests again as long as it isn’t about Sarah Palin or Final Fantasy XIII. Don’t ask. Stay up, peeps.

It’s good to be back. Chachi out.

Christmas: The Celebration of Reindeer Slavery and Necromancy of Snowmen.

2009-12-13T22:10:00.004-07:00

What is up, peeps?! It has been almost a month since my last post and that is because work is kicking my ass a bit and the fact that soju and I have gotten re-aquainted. You never judge me and that's why I love you so.

Well, it has been a while since I have posted the Countdown so let me give you the updated version:

Tae Yang is on top this week. I will have my 4th Chachi's Year End Extravaganza coming up on New Year's Eve on the blog and it will go all Christmas week on YouTube barring my account getting blocked.

So I havent ranted in a while but this is something that has be said and I am only going to say this once: I don't vare about Christmas. Stop asking, I am completely indifferent about it. If you are into then knock yourself out. But know that I could care less about Jesus's birth, reindeer, snowmen or that fat fuck Santa Claus. I don't mind the "holiday spirit" as long as it isnt bullshit and you understand that Jesus would have died of frostbite had he been born in a manger in December. And he was a Jew, so he was celebrating Channukah. Eight crazy nights is better than one birthday with "White Christmas" playing all damn day. Although I LOVE that song and play. Good times.

Anyway, happy holidays or whatever to you all and prepare also for the Year End Omnibus. Questions are accepted. Until then, stay up and get ready...Chachi is back.

CHACHI! (Say it like Gucci Mane says "Gucci!" and it makes sense.

Much Like Washed Up Boxers, Trophy Wives And 30 Year Old Porn Stars...I Came Back For The Money.

2009-11-15T18:47:00.003-07:00

What is up, people?! It has been a while since I have posted on the blog (Almost a month, I believe) but that streak ends RIGHT NOW! I am back on the scene with a pocket full of lean (If you remember what happened to me in April of this year then you know why I need it and man it is working wonders while I get rid of this thing AGAIN) and it is time to give the peeps an update on my wellbeing and whereabouts! So I give you the first ever…

CHACHI STATUS REPORT!!

Brought to you by Ginjo Soju:

Yes, I love me some Hyori Lee. Well, let’s have an update on a few things:

I’m Moving On Up!

If you haven’t heard, I am now back among the gainfully employed. It isn’t the ultimate dream job of a Zombie Vampire Hunter but few things are and that is a hard field to get into if you don’t look good in leather pants. Which I have been told several times I do not. I have to say I am enjoying my new job a lot, especially the fact that my team is a rag-tag group of misfits in the vein of The A-Team minus the kick-ass van. That thing is hard to find, though. Good times so far, hopefully more to come and even more hopefully a Christmas party in which I can pull off some karaoke.

Wicked Was….Well, Wicked.

I mean that in the best way possible. It was AWESOME this year (Depending on how you look at it)! I got better seats this time because we were at the top of the orchestra section but in 2007 I was able to look down Glinda’s dress for the whole show so…I kind of consider it a push IMHO. I have to say this, very few things never get old. “Defying Gravity” is one of them. The other? The Humpty Dance:

If anyone has video of Zach and I karaoking to the Humpty Dance at NDK 2008…I NEED THAT SHIT! Either way, I had a fun time with a fun lady (Sushi Han is THE SHIT, SON!) and it made up for a really chaotic year of douchery, asshatery and new friends that helped me not snap about it. I’m up to seven!

I STILL Hate Douchebags.

Yes, Copper they were in hiding for a while but for some reason they seem to be making a comeback. It was a good five months or so when Baglash occurred and they were exiled back to the Jersey Shore and their frat houses for a while but something VERY FUCKING WRONG has happened and now they are getting their own shows and even becoming more of a celebri-douche than before. Have you seen the cast of Tool Academy? Now I am ashamed to admit I watched an episode or two, mostly because of my hatred of the women THAT STAYED WITH THEM but to each their own when it comes to affairs of a created reality as I am living proof. One thing I noticed is that all the people on that show were in some way shape or form some kind of douche. Whether it was a Black-Douche, Bro-Douche, Redneck-Douche or Guido-Douche (THE WORST OF ALL THE DOUCHES!) they were all obviously fuckwits and yet for some reason…they are captivating for people. Not just women, but network execs that think we as Americans give a shit about the exploits of a douche. I mean I do when they ruin a good time at the bar due to their homophobic-based bravado and violence. Remember: If you SAY “no homo” then you ARE a homo. It’s science, deal with it and quit being such a asshat by starting a fight that oddly enough ends up being a bastardized MMA fight which is homoeroticism at its finest unless you are a professional. Needless to say, douchebags STILL piss me off and that will not change until they all die of hair gel poisoning or we blow up the Jersey Shore. YEAH, I SAID IT.

I Think…I Have Gotten Too Old For Video Games.

So aside from Final Fantasy XIII, God of War III and Adventures of Lolo: Battle For Egg Island (Okay, the last one I made up but you KNOW IT WOULD KICK ASS) I am not excited for any video game coming out in the next year or so. I couldn’t give a shit about Call of Duty (Oddly enough, so many people are against war but are sure as hell more than willing to battle on the intarweb) or Halo and aside from Uncharted 2 (Which I gave up for a while because I got one of those job things that so often cut into my gaming time again) I haven’t even really played a video game aside from Little Big Planet (Which got real old real quick for me. I am sorry, but side-scrollers were better in the 90’s) and Blaze Blue which gave me an ass-kicking something proper like. I even caught myself using the line “Back in my day, games were really GAMES! None of this fake guitar and drums bullshit!” and I realized I had become one of them. The old people that pine for the old days when people had live bands and dancing involved a line and Don Cornelius:

I have officially become one of those people. I miss the days of two buttons, saving the princess. Blast processing and gloves that moved cars…kinda. That movie lied to us all. It was a beautiful lie, though. A beautiful lie.

Oh, I haven’t updated the Countdown on the blog in about a month because of my YouTube Channel but here is the latest one for those of you that are still watching. All three of you.

BTW, I am rocking it in HD now on the Tu-Ube! Well, I am back for now and it is good to be here. I will have more updates, I promise. The Omnibus is returning so if you have questions you want answered, lay them on me. Until the next post, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Hip Hop And You Don't Stop!

2009-10-25T20:18:00.001-07:00

What is up peeps?! Next week is the big event, the Chachi Music Video Awards! I will have the link up for previous winners on my Passion of Chachi blog from 2007 and 2008 (And 2006 if I can find the original post). Until then, we have a new Top 30 and A NEW NUMBER ONE!

30. G-Dragon - Butterfly (New Entry)
29. Otsuka Ai x SU from RIP SLYME - aisu x time (New Entry)
28. HAM - T.T. Dance (Last Week #21)
27. LM.C GHOST+HEART (New Entry)
26. Ikimonogakari - YELL (Last Week #18)
25. Brave Brothers feat. Son Dam Bi & Lee Min Woo - Invisible (Last Week #19)
24. UW - Kanashimi wa Kitto (New Entry)
23. Brown Eyed Girls - Abracadabra (Last Week #16)
22. Stereopony - Smilife (Last Week #10) [Plunge of the Week]
21. Abingdon Boys School - Kimi no Uta (Last Week #14, Three Weeks at #1)
20. Tae Yang Where You At? (Last Week #25)
19. JASMINE - NO MORE (Last Week #29)
18. FT Island - Raining (Last Week #24)
17. SCANDAL - Yumemiru Tsubasa (Last Week #20)
16. Shinee - Ring Ding Dong (Last Week #26)
15. 4Minute - Musik (Last Week #7)
14. 4Tomorrow - Tomorrow (Last Week #22)
13. Taegoon - Betrayed (Last Week #13)
12. JAYED - Everybody (Last Week #15)
11. (f)x - Lachata (Last Week #11)
10. G-Dragon - Breathe (Last Week #5)
9. School Food Punishment - Sea-Through Communication (Last Week #12)
8. Jewelry - Vari2ty (Last Week #2)
7. SWEET BLACK feat. MAKI GOTO & BIGGA RAIJI - Queen Bee (Last Week #9)
6. Ayuse Kozue - Dont Let You Down (Last Week #6)
5. Miho Fukuhara - LET IT OUT (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)
4. Spontania feat. AZU - Onaji Sora Mitsumeteru Anata ni (Last Week #8)
3. Stereopony - Tsukiakari no Michishirube (Last Week #17) [Biggest Mover]
2. Super Junior - Super Girl (Last Week #4)
1. Epik High - Wannabe (Last Week #3, One Week at #1)

After looking like their run was over, Epik High bounces back to knock Miho Fukuhara from the top! It's the first Korean video to hit #1 since 2NE1's "I Dont Care" and the first hip hop video to make it since T.I. and Rihianna in 2008! Super Junior bounces up to the runner up spot while Stereopony hopes to finally get over the Hearts Grow/Paramore/Game hump and finally get a number one video after two failed attempts as they rocket up fourteen huge spots! Jewelry and G-Dragon both fall from the Top Five this week while Ayuse Kozue hangs on after almost three months on the Countdown!

SHINee, 4Tomorrow and JASMINE all make big moves this week as we also welcome debuts from G-Dragon (His third video of 2009), Ai Otsuka (For the first time!), LM.C and welcome back THE WORLD! After breaking their almost three year drought of not having a #1 video, can they make it two in a row?

So next week the Chachi Music Awards MAY be pushed back. I am working again (FINALLY, W00T!) so it may be pushed until the 9th of November but the peeps will know by next weeks Countdown whether it will be moving. Also, I set up a new channel which will have the nominees (To not get blocked again) and will have the countdown's as well so bookmark it (LoChachi2)!

See you all in seven to see if Epik High can make it two weeks in a row!

Chachi Out

Twilight Is Fucking Gay. This Post Has Nothing To Do With That...I Just Felt It Needed Repeating.

2009-10-19T21:29:00.004-07:00

Hey peeps. Omnibus is pushed back for a bit because I lost motivation during the Falcons/Bears game on Sunday night. Kind of had one of those mindrapes where I realized that opening a vein is not my thing but the anal assault that is life never gives you a reach-around. Reality isn't much for cuddling or asking "is it good to you" when it is giving it to you in the ass. So now is the first in the ONLY FUCKING INSTALLMENT of...

Chachi's Emo Haiku Minute!

What is it all for?
Why live life to the fullest?
You die with nothing.

Okay...I got that out now. I'm better. Aaaaaaaaand I am going to watch some Full Metal Alchemist. If anyone understands me, its Ed. Peace out for now. Oh, and here is the Countdown for this week:

Stay up.

Chachi Out

I Swear...By The Power Of The Moon, I WILL DEFEAT YOU! Wow, That Is Pretty Damn Gay Right There.

2009-10-16T15:18:00.003-07:00

So total is a bitch on wheels. To Broomfield, to here, to Denver, to here. And tomorrow is going to be even ROUGHER due to the Air Force game and MC Chris to which I aint gonna complain. However, I had a few free minutes and it was pointed out to me that I said I was going to post one of my best gay marriage and abortion rants when I realized after searching I haven't DONE an abortion rant which shocked the shit out of me. So with that being said, I have posted a random post from 2008 (Literally random to fill space. Just call me Bleach and Naruto because its Filler Time! It...was funny when I thought of it. Due to the filler, I will actually DO an abortion question for the Omnibus, which I should have finished by Monday night I think. Gives me the weekend to recoup from the douchery of this whole week of driving and interviewing. Never compromise, peeps. NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER! Anyway, here is some old school madness from March of 2008.

So I was talking to some people at the comic book store about the blog (I have four readers! W00t!) and they mentioned about how I have been updating more often lately. At the pace I am going I will have about 260 updates for 2008, more than 2006 (when I was on a roll) and last year when I had a really bad down period in the summer. With that, they noticed that I repeat topics a lot. My rants are mainly on bros, women and Black people recently in comparison to some of the great rants I had in 2006. Well, updating a blog and keeping it fresh is a lot more difficult than people think. It’s why TV shows have 13 episode seasons. To update everyday with new material gets hard to do after two years; that is just the nature of humor and commentary. With that being said, I am going to try something new today. Depending on the response I may do this more often (Like the Top 20 Video Countdown, Chachi’s Omnibus and Captain Master Chief Chachi Goes Hollywood) but right now I want to give you the first installment of a new part of the Passion of Chachi family:

Chachi’s Deep Thoughts!

Deep Thought #1: Women Seem To No Longer Be….Human?

Joe and I had an interesting discussion last night at Fox & Hound (aka, the worst restaurant in the Springs) about all the aids women have to make themselves look better. It was interesting because after I came to the realization that fake breasts look good with clothes on but horrible with clothes off (and I asked why women get them and I have yet to get an answer that isn’t counter-intuitive) I wondered why women augment themselves when they say they are independent and non-conformist. Yet…all tattoos they have are in the same spot. I went there. The simple fact is that there are several products/procedures that are out there that are used to make women feel (or perceive to feel) more beautiful:

• Jeans that lift and shape their butt (Normally I would like this but its a LIE!)
• Bras that lift, separate, accost and give concussion blasters to breasts (I kid)
• Every astringent, cleanser, pore filler and cosmetic available
• Hair dye (Which I believe is the dumbest shit ever. Sorry ladies)
• Fake lips, eye lashes, contacts and personalities (BURN!)
• Fake breasts, butt implants, lip injections, etc. (*Sigh*, what ever happend to nature?)

With all of that, there is no reason that women should complain about their beauty. Now initially that may sound like I am saying women have no excuse to be ugly and I don’t believe that to be true because no woman is ugly. They are all beautiful on the inside, and I have been there. In their houses to find out where they work so I can wait for them until they get off and follow them home. That’s a date, and don’t judge me. Think about it, what do MEN have to make them look better?

• Cars (Which I have one but a Saturn screams economy, not ballin)
• Money (To which I am nowhere near ballin enough to counteract my ugly)
• Steroids (And I don’t want to look like Barry Bonds. The man has a head like a grizzly)

And that is IT. Hell, the fashion and cosmetic industry LITERALLY make 90% of their revenue from women. Although men usually PAY for it (Destiny’s Child, anyone?) the fact that so much emphasis is put on how females look is no long a man’s fault. It is about supply and demand. Women decide they aren’t pretty enough so then they want items to make them socially prettier. Is it wrong to create a product to help with that insecurity? Hell no! It’s what makes America great! I don’t even see why they complain about it because women can be a different person every day with all the products out for them to change their appearance to be “more attractive.” Women have SO MANY FACTORS in their corner that they can use to almost create a whole new person a la “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”:

Seriously, that is what it has been reduced to. From now on, women need a disclaimer on them and a nutritional value that says what percentage is fake and what is real. Yes….I went there. I have yet to understand why women go through the torture of wearing clothes that don’t fit and undergoing procedures to modify their bodies so they can either impress men or…impress men. It all falls back to that. Yet, I always say if someone doesn’t like you for how you are then that is their choice and changing yourself to fit into a social norm of beauty is self-defeating because beauty is in acceptance of yourself. Think about THAT ONE for a second.

Deep Thought #2: Canadian Stampede…GREATEST PPV EVER. And Wrestling Will Never Get That Good.

I know none of you are wrestling fans and I really don’t give a fuck. Canadian Stampede was one of the few PPV’s I have seen live on PPV (Along with Wrestlemania X-7 which is a CLOSE second. And I mean CLOSE second) and man was it HOT. The Canadians may not be very cool (Aside from Bryan Adams of course) but they know how to be a hot wrestling crowd. Every match on the card was either fucking awesome (The Great Sasuke vs. TAKA), very good (Triple H vs. Mankind), very watchable (Vader vs. Undertaker) or arguably the greatest tag team match of all time (the main event). I was (and still am) a HUGE Bret Hart mark (yeah, I said mark) and I was all over the opening of the main event. The match was executed very well and the crowd made the match for me. Just e-fucking-lectric. It’s a tragedy that four of the ten participants (Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Brian Pillman and Hawk) are no longer with us:

You know what? I want John Cena to take a look at this video and see the ring presence of Bret Hart. Learn it and shut the fuck up. You will never be as good as anyone in this ring, sans Ken Shamrock. He sucked. Oh, and dare I say the figure four leg lock on the ring post may be one of the best spots in wrestling? It’s about showmanship, people. I mean I can’t COMPLETELY blame Cena. I mean who is his competition face-wise? Hulk Hogan had The Ultimate Warrior. Bret Hart had Shawn (ugh) Michaels. Steve Austin had The Rock. In wrestling, every number one needs a 1A. Who is that now? Batista? I don’t think people connected with him the same after his pectoral tear…the second one I mean. The Undertaker is on his way out and Shawn Michaels sure as well better be because he is more broken physically than the psyche of a freshman sorority girl after the first kegger of the school year. Vince will NEVER (And I mean NEVER) push CM Punk no matter how talented we all think he is so ROH fans need to just stop. Vince will push Snitsky over him…and has. I have said it once and I will say it again: you are only as good as your competition. Cena’s competition is either old, over exposed or he has already BEATEN (Like with the Edge situation. He could be the next Randy Savage if the WWE weren’t such tools) so you have booked him into a corner where no one believes that his opponent has a chance to beat him in any way shape or form unless he is Triple H. *Sigh* I miss the good old days:

I miss the attitude. Now it is just CRAP-itude.

Deep Thought #3: God Hates Colorado

Seriously. I am getting SICK AND TIRED of the fucking pot holes here. I mean some of them aren’t even holes anymore; they are damn ditches. Just traveling to get my oil changed I thought I broke my fucking shocks (Luckily nothing was wrong) from two huge ass potholes on Chelton. FUUUUUUUCK!

Deep Though #4: Teenagers Are Stupid And Don’t Need To Be Pandered To.

Now you all know what I feel about children. We don’t give them enough credit, but at the end of the day they are STILL children which means that they are less than people. Teenagers….are even worse. I mean aside from “The N” which has a few good shows from my childhood (Daria, Saved By The Bell, the original DeGrassi for a while) for the most part, the “teenification” of American TV, music and cinema is fucking up all the good stuff. There are no more cartoons out there. Remember when we were teenagers? The cartoons were intelligent yet funny:

• Animaniacs
• Tazmania
• The Tick (w00t, motherfuckers!)
• Pinky and The Brain
• Daria
• Freakazoid
• Gargoyles
• Darkwing Duck

Hell, even later in life (late teens, early twenties) we had Undergrads, Clone High and Invader Zim! Now name ONE good cartoon not called “Class of 3000?” All the shows are shitty teen shows like all the crap on the Disney Channel. They are all live action crap that acts like life can be resolved through working together and being yourself. BULLSHIT. Kids, the only way you can make it through school without being a fucking pussy and shooting up your classmates (Too soon?) is to find people like you and hold onto them because they are all that will help you maintain your sanity in the shitstorm that is high school. Remember that in the real world as well. College is a different story because your mentality changes when you are paying for class. I’m sorry, but I don’t see Hannah Montana as being the least bit vindicating, enlightening or entertaining. Same goes for every live action show (which to my defense I haven’t seen them all so I am typecasting but I am sure I am right. Brokeback Theory and all) on TV right now for teens. In comparison, remember OUR live action teen shows?

• Saved By The Bell
• Californina Dreams
• USA High
• Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
• Swans Crossing (GREATEST. KIDS SOAP. EVER)
• Hangtime
• And of course…Big Bad Beetle Borgs!

I don’t care what you say, Beetle Borgs forever! With that being said, the days of waking up on a Saturday morning to great shows until noon are over. It’s why most kids sleep in on Saturdays! There is nothing to get you revved up to go outside and play anymore! Even worse are these shows that are the live action shows that are “for kids” yet all they do is rip off from a “very special episode” of Blossom and add some mild cursing to it. And worse acting. If you ever wondered why kids are so maladjusted these days, take a look at these shows and just listen to them for a second when you are in the mall looking at shoes or something. They are fucking ridiculous. Parents can’t relate because what they absorb is so asinine that I am surprised that they done bump headlong into walls like Chris Redfield in the original Resident Evil as you try to avoid a zombie in the heat of the moment. We need to fix this and fix this now. At some point….we will have to vote for one of these fuckers.

Deep Thought #5: You Like NASCAR? Congrats, You Are Barely Smarter Than A Cat.

I was at the comic book store yesterday. I just found out that “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” comes on after NASCAR. Now that is just fucking IRONIC. Okay, let me explain something right here and now, boy. I am not an athletic guy by any means. But I can say this from a logic standpoint: NASCAR isn’t a sport. It’s engineering. A car is created and matched up against OTHER CARS. You really don’t even need a person to have a NASCAR race, all you need is a few do-until or do-while loops (Like…four MAX. Programmers understand what I mean) and you could have robots run the damn race. It is boring and it is stupid. If you like NASCAR you are barely above the mental acumen of a drugged cat. You know why? That was the only time Nala watched NASCAR because she is a FUCKING CAT AND SHE KNOWS NASCAR IS FUCKING STUPID!! I defend a lot of things I like but at the end of the day I can understand that not everyone sees the redeeming qualities in musicals, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Derrickcomedy like I do. But I can honestly say that there is nothing redeeming about NASCAR. It is borderline racist (Say Blacks are invited if you will, but any place where they fly the Confederate flag over the American one and think the General Lee is more important than Kitt is a place where they fuck their cousins and I don’t want to be at because I know you don’t want me there) and the only real excitement is watching high speed traffic drive in a circle in hopes of a crash and a death. I have seen that; it was called I-25 during the Cosmix construction. NASCAR takes as much skill as it does to drive drunk and I don’t care if it is the most watched “sport” in America. Porn is the biggest selling medium on the internet and I don’t see your Jesus letting you support that. But why should you when you could always get your cousin drunk and see her naked. Better than I am getting right now, but I prefer to keep my sex out of the family. Thaaaaaaaaanks.

Just something from the old school. Well, I have to run BACK to Denver so I will be back up Sunday before the Falcons/Bears game. GO FALCONS, BITCHES! I hope, anyway. Until then, I’ll be around:

Rappin 4-Tay in the house, fools!

Diddy Out.

People Against Gay Marriage Obviously Haven't Seen "Newlyweds" or "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire"...

2009-10-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, over the last few months I have been ranting a lot about two issues: gay marriage and abortion. Mostly because people think it is okay to keep fags from being in wedded bliss and keeping women from rightfully killing their own babies BEFORE they can drown them in a car and blame it on a Black guy (Yes, I went there and YES I AM BEING SARCASTIC so enough with the feigned shock of the shit I say. Get a fucking grip, pussies. PUSSIES!) but still, they are one of the few subjects I have any fervor about in terms of their defense. In retrospect of that, I am posting one of my favorite blogs on both subjects because I feel that awesomeness exudes from this blog like hot from Zac Efron and you can learn something. If you learn nothing from me, it's that I am more than willing to go to Chino to get my point across. Or not, I dunno. Prison seems fun in the Jermaine Jackson video:

See! Jail aint so bad, they have dancing AND pop ups! Any-fucking-way, enjoy this repeat and I will have one up on abortion tomorrow or Thursday. Then I will do another Omnibus this weekend about the subject (Or any other subjects you want me to rant about) so feel free to leave a comment if you want something ranted on. It will be my last Omnibus until the 2009 Year End Extravaganzaa so get them ready! Anyway, here we go from November of 2008 after the Prop 8 fuckery:

In California, Proposition 8, or the banning and the (In some cases) nullification of all gay marriages, passed with full-on homophobic flying colors. Of the RAINBOW! Heh, I had to do it. Now let me explain something to you if you haven’t been reading the blog and don’t know: I am all for equal rights for the gay community that those of us in the straight community hold dear. Not because for a while everyone thought I was gay (And then in college when half my friends were gay, which oddly enough was my happiest time. I was festively straight!) but I understand that all people in this country, no matter what their differences of the “norm” deserve all the rights given. Except Turks & Irish, and they know why. So previously gay marriages were “passed” in California which in its essence pissed me the fuck off. There are no “Black marriages” or “White marriages” or “Jew marriages”. Okay, there ARE Jew weddings but they are a wacky people and you get my damn point. There shouldn’t be a separate term for the weddings of gays because they are FUCKING WEDDINGS. PERIOD. Now I couldn’t give a flying fuck about what the Bible says about marriage (Or the Quran or the Torah or any other fucking book you dipshits read. Especially the Book of Mormon…more on you fucksticks later) about it being between a man and a woman because all books of worship are flawed in their delivery and bullshit in their entirety. It stopped being a religious institution when the government began to give rights to people that were married just because they were married. It has always been my opinion that people aren’t against gay marriage for the title, more for the benefits.

“Those gays can adopt kids and make more gays?! Milky white baby Jesus doesn’t approve! I don’t want them there gays with the same rights and benefits from my job at the plant that I get for marrying my wife! Bitch, shut up and get in that there kitchen!”

Now you can call this stereotyping but I don’t like people that think that gays don’t deserve the same rights as you just because they actually LOVE their gay-ass partner rather than got married because they knocked some bitch up and stayed together for the Jebus. You are a fucking prick and you are defeating what America is. Well, it is kind of based on the premise that persecution based on a certain aspect of your being is wrong (That specific aspect being the fucking of ones cousin. You see, the Pilgrims were pretty much Shelbyvilleians. Watch the episode, it makes sense) and the freedom to be accepted for who you are is something to fight for. Yet, we as Americans seem to think that all people deserve the right to have all the freedoms…as long as it doesn’t include that guy. Or in this case, that GAY.

So since marriage is no longer a religious institution in the logical aspect because people get married on beaches and at comic book conventions so you can toss that bullshit right out the motherfucking window, what is the big fucking deal? You think homosexuality is immoral? You know what I think is immoral? Perse-fucking-cution and unabashed discrimination (Unless once again, it’s the Irish or Turks. And they know why!) and people in California think it is quite alright to make it so that gays can’t get married. That seems to be discrimination to me. I may be wrong, but I know fuck well I am not. Also, let’s just say as a matter of argument that marriage is STILL a religious institution. You think there aren’t gay Christians or Muslims? You trying to tell me they shouldn’t be married? It says NO WHERE in the bible that two men or two women shouldn’t be married. You can pull that bullshit and mistranslated line about “laying with another man as a sin” but does that say that those men can’t be married? NO. It just says they are living in sin and let’s be fucking honest here: there are straight people out there in loveless and abusive relationships that are for either money or power and as far as I am concerned that is living in fucking sin so suck my balls, religious fuckwits. Read up on James Dobson sometime and his bullshit “roles are clearly defined in the Bible” crap. Ladies, get in the kitchen!

Now my message to the religious fuckwits. Understand what I say now with clarity and full disclosure because I don’t want to be misunderstood. The Mormon Church, for funding a hate based and completely false attack on the gay community based on your bullshit book from your bullshit prophet and his bullshit meeting with a bullshit Mormon Jesus, can go to hell. You follow teachings from bigots and pedophiles, but what could I expect from people that think that Jesus was White, the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, Indians were Jews, being Black is a sin (It sucks sometimes, but it ain’t no sin) and of course that enchanted undergarments that protect against witches and bullets. But not against the gays! They have evil powers that get you to take your magical undergarments on and be tempted in your nether-regions by the gay! Or something of that manner, I kind of gave up after the undergarments fiasco in the book.

Lastly, I want to talk to you idiots (Barack Obama, I am looking squarely at your big eared ass. Oh, and John McCain and his old ass too for good measure) about the idea that “civil unions are just as good!” First off, no they aren’t. If they are, I would like to ask all of my married friends to go out, annul your marriage and get a civil union. Go on, I’ll wait. I will just watch some KARA to pass the time:

Mmm...I want to make babies with Nicole, I tell you what. You back? What, you didn’t get one? I THOUGHT SO. You didn’t get one because they are bullshit. Here is a simple way to look at it:

MARRIAGE DOES NOT EQUAL CIVIL UNION

You know, I was watching The Rachel Maddow Show (I am so in love with her) and an analyst said something that I spoke of in college and even as recently as a few weeks ago when I went out for drinks with a friend of mine with a gay friend. I didn’t think anyone felt this way about it but I believe that the simplest way to explain the difference between “civil union” for homosexuals and “marriages” for heterosexuals (Which people will never say but that is the douchery and hypocrisy of homophobes) is like “Whites Only” and “Coloreds Only” water fountains. Oh, not the same you say? Well, quite simply to create an alternative just to create a separate place or term that is different from the norm is “separate but equal” all over again. The conditions in Coloreds Only bathrooms and hotels were horrendous and the concept of civil unions a “separate” form of marriage but “equal” to marriage without carrying it in title is quite simply…separate…but…equal. So for you Black people that voted for Prop 8, you are ushering in Jim Crow for gays. Yes, that is a tad of exaggeration but so was the idea of bringing people over from another country to do all the work they didn’t want to do. Wait…

At the end of the day, it isn’t “gay marriage”. It is just “marriage” and this is coming from someone that believes all marriage is wrong. Banning the marriage of homosexual couples is intolerance at its finest. It’s religious intolerance, sexual intolerance and most importantly it is just plain hypocritical. Would Jesus really approve of such actions? Probably not, he would be too busy whining about his hands and feet. OH NO I DIDN’T! Yeah, I did.

Damn, she was right. I am a dick. But, at least I know not to keep people from ruining their lives by getting married no matter what their sex is. I will be back soon, peeps.

Chachi Out

Usually, The Sequel Disappoints. Not THIS Time!

2009-10-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

We are down to the Top Ten Sauciest Ladies! Let’s keep the party going!

10. Sowelu
(2007 Rank: #18, 2008 Rank: #8)

I am very, very sad that I haven’t heard from Sowelu in a while. Like I have always said, she is the Japanese Mandy Moore which means that she is cuter than a kitten riding a puppy singing the “Nom Nom” song while petting a baby bunny. Yes, she is that damn cute.

9. Lucy Liu

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: #6)

Hell, if you get a shout out in an Andre 3000 song, you MUST be saucy. Lucy Liu is that, although she seems to have fallen off the face of the damn planet over the last two years. Last thing I remember seeing her in was The Cleaner with Cedric The Entertainer. I mean, when she isn’t in my dreams wrestling the ladies of Rebelde in pudding. Yes, I have horrible dreams.

8. Crystal Kay

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: NR)

Much like the Yuna Ito love I have, Crystal Kay has an amazing voice and I actually didn’t even see she was beautiful until like 2006-ish when I saw the video for “Kirakuni” in which she was HAAAAWT. Not a shabby dancer, either.

7. Dulce Maria

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: #5)

WHY IN THE HELL DID REBELDE HAVE TO BREAK UP?! I mean…WHY?! Now I never get to see Dulce Maria anymore, unless you count that crappy ass song with Akon as a time to look at her. No matter how saucy Dulce looks in a video, she can’t trump out the ugly Beastacon that is Akon.

6. Halle Berry

(2007 Rank: #10, 2008 Rank: #18)

As you can tell, I have a bit of a love/hate thing with Halle Berry, mostly due to her doing Catwoman. Yes, I hold a grudge against that movie. I haven’t forgiven Jessica Alba for “Into The Blue” and I will never forgive Halle for fucking up a sure fire great female character in Catwoman. Although…her and Christian Bale in a movie as the Bat and the Cat…dare I dream?

5. Kate Winslet

(2007 Rank: #1, 2008 Rank: #9)

Okay, now this was a point of contention between an ex and I because she thought Kate Winslet was fat and to that I pretty much told her to shut the fuck up because I didn’t bitch about her love of Vin Diesel (Who is a fucking mouth breather but was tolerable in The Pacifier). I even sat through Titanic…TWICE…to see her. Add in Hamlet and that shitball of a movie with Cameron Diaz & Jack Black (Ugh…I think I just threw up in my mouth at that combo) and I have gone through a lot for my Katie.

4. Mandy Moore

(2007 Rank: #6, 2008 Rank: #1)

How can anyone hate Mandy Moore? Hating Mandy Moore is like hating a kitten: no matter how horribly it may scractch up your couch, one nuzzle and look and you just melt. Now I don’t know if Mandy Moore commits property damage like that but just one look from her and all I think is “Aaaaaawwwww….yyyeeeeeaaaahhhh.” See what I did there?

3. Kristen Chenoweth

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: #4)

My love for the Chenoweth MOSTLY started with Wicked but it was her awesome sprite-like cuteness in Pushing Daisies that pushed me over the edge. She can sing, she can dance, she can act and she pulls off humor like no woman I know can. Except maybe Mary Tyler Moore but…she’s too old even for me. 55 is the age for retirement and the age even I must say no. I’m sorry!
2. Hyori Lee

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank #3)

Can I just say this right here and right now: Hyori Lee STILL needs to eat something. She also has something I would like to eat, if you know what I mean! By that, I mean reportedly she is a great cook…you sick FREAKS. Either way, Hyo Ri Lee caught my attention back in college with Fin KL (Man, I am getting up there) and has had it ever since. Oh, and “U-Go-Girl” is the song that goes from annoying to awesome in Avril Lavigne seconds:

It’s like “Girlfriend” without all the gay if you actually sing it. Only 80%...85% tops because my Korean is LIMITED. So we have a new sauciest lady for 2009! And it is…

1. Nelly Furtado

(2007 Rank: 14, 2008 Rank: 16)

Now aside from my affinity for the backyard (I likes to beg for change, not peddle for dollars and I will NOT explain that analogy again) I never objectify women by trait because I hate having the same done to me…except in terms of things they DON’T find attractive about me. It’s a conundrum. But I just have to say once again, and I say it every year, that Nelly Furtado has the most striking eyes and smile I have ever seen on a woman ever:

MY GOD, like Debbie Gibson was to Johnny Depp, I get lost in her eyes. The last woman I knew that has eyes anywhere CLOSE to that also had my self-respect, pride and dignity. Don’t worry; I got them back because even when you smile, I can still see you are a bitch. BOO-YAH! Oh, and of course Nelly Furtado has got…DAT DUMPLIN BUTT!!

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Scoopy Giles, I’m with you on bringing it back! With that, I bid you all adieu! See you next year for the 2010 edition of the Sauciest Ladies of the year and hopefully we will have seen more of Miss Furtado by then. Thanks for reading and the Countdown should be up tomorrow. Stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Ladies, How Would You Like A Part In My Movie? And I Got Just The Part For You!

2009-10-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

What is up, peeps?! It is too fucking cold to function right now so I thought I would put up a new post today while my movies are downloading. It has been a while since I have done this post (April of last year I believe, so this is hella late) but it is time for the 2009 edition of the Passion of Chachi staple…

Passion of Chachi Presents: Sauciest Ladies of 2009!

First off, some ground rules. These are my personal opinions of the ladies that make my day bright and allow me to occasionally not be lulled to sleep by my screams or the sound of my tears hitting my pillow. You have your own opinions and there is a high probability that I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. The world wide web is vast so you can find something else to occupy your time. Secondly, there are some people that WILL not be on here so I don’t want any comments about “Hey, why isn’t [Insert shitty actress or shittier singers’ name here] on here?! She’s fucking hot, bro! You’re a homo!” These asshats go as follows:

Megan Fox (Mouth breathers may be hot to you, but not to me. If not liking her makes me gay then that is fine because Johnny Depp and Zac Efron are hotter any-fucking-way AND KNOW THEIR TRADE BETTER THAN THAT BITCH. Yeah, I said it.)
Katy Perry (She can’t sing. That’s kind of a prerequisite if you are a fucking singer. What she does sing is trifling and her head looks like Green Goblin’s in the first Spiderman movie.)
Nicki Minaj (Who is she and why is she rapping? And poorly at that? At least Foxy Brown had talent and Lil’ Kim…um…picked the right man to fuck. Yeah, I said it.)
Any woman from a music video (Especially that HORRIBLE Drake video for “Best I Ever Had” because…those ladies weren’t all that attractive. They just jiggled and if jiggling equals hot to you then you and I differ because I just found it to be excessive and kind of gross. Like CGI but not as good.)
Serena Williams (Yeah…restraining orders are in effect on the internet as well. Mail yourself to a tennis stare ONE TIME and they get all paranoid and shit. Gawd!)

So now that you know the ground rules, let us begin with some honorable mentions for 2009!

Honorable Mentions:

Salma Hayek (Most of it is because I NEVER SEE HER ANYWHERE. That and the whole unibrow in “Frieda” kind of…still scares the fucking shit out of me.)
Lauren London (If you have a baby by Lil’ Wayne, you can’t be on here. Section 3.1, Bylaw 56.23)
Hayden Panettiere (She can’t act. I sat through “I Love You, Beth Cooper” and being hot encompasses several things. If you can’t act and you are a jerk to people then you cannot have my heart. Damn shame, I love “Bring It On 3” when she smacks her ass.)
Chae Yeon (It was either Chae or Hyori and Hyori wins this round. Maybe next year..although I loves me some “Shake”)

Mmm…hells yeah. Now let’s get started!

20. Rachel Stevens (formerly of S Club 7)
(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: NR)

Okay, those of you that haven’t seen S Club 7 odds are have no idea who Rachel Stevens is. However, if you HAVE seen S Club 7 (And I have, I loved that show!) know that Rachel Stevens is the hottest thing to come out of the British Isles since…well, someone else on here later.

19. Kumi Koda

(2007 Rank: #11, 2008 Rank: #13)

It has been three plus years since you could hear every boy in Japan hit puberty at the same time when the “Juicy” video came out. She is still teh hawt, but her music has dropped off a bit. Well, “Lick Me” had it’s moments…but NOTHING tops Juicy:

Hells yeah.

18. Kim Yu Bin (of Wonder Girls)

(2007 Rank: NR 2008 Rank: NR)

If you haven’t heard of the Wonder Girls, I don’t blame you. “Nobody” has to be the worst English translated song since “She Bangs” but Yu Bin is one my favorite member of the group. Best dancer and her rapping…is better than Nelly’s. Oh, and she is damn fine.

17. Shakira

(2007 Rank: #2, 2008 Rank: #14)

I have a confession to make: I am not really a fan of Shakira all that much. Her voice is good in small doses but extended periods of her music anger me. She is VERY attractive and the accent…you know how I feel about an accent. Oh, and of course dat ass.

16. Nicole (of KARA)

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: NR)

Okay, there has to be one. Last year was Aly Michalka and this year is the seventeen year old Nicole from Kara. I didn’t really like their first few songs but it wasn’t until the live performance of “Mister” and the dance battle against Minzy and Ga In (Which both get honorable mentions except for the fact that Minzy is younger than my Sega Saturn) that I realized that GOT DAMN, NICOLE IS SAUCY:

Hells yeah.

15. Yuna Ito

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: #19)

Now in comparison to others on this list, Yuna Ito isn’t “hawt” but my god, she has the voice of an angel. A sexy, Japanese/Korean angel. Also, as evident by the “Stuck On You” video, she isn’t a bad dancer. Not up to Kumi Koda or Son Dam Bi levels, but not bad.

14. Portia De Rossi

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: NR)

I love “Better Off Ted.” I also love a woman that looks like she may kill me in my sleep. Portia takes both of those requirements and runs with them. Much like Tina Fey two years ago, Portia is actually that stiff kind of funny that almost no woman is able to pull off effectively. Sadly, she plays with the other team. My love…will never be returned :(

13. Keri Hilson

(2007 Rank: NR 2008 Rank: NR)

I almost didn’t want to put her on here. As much as I think Keri is stunning (Those eyes...god damn. Like Sasuke without the crazy murder of the snake controlling pedo. YES, I even have to anime nerd out when talking about women...it's a weakness) and think her voice is rather palatable (Unlike most R&B singers out right now) I cannot understand why she would do songs with Chris Brown AND R.Kelly. What the fuck is up with that shit? Beautiful yes but respecting of common sense against fuckwits…not really.

12. Aly Michalka

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: #15)

Yes, I know “Phil of the Future” was no “Even Stevens” but I still love me some Aly Michalka. And she is legal now so get off my back! I will NOT take a seat over there! On another note, Aly & A.J. are tolerable. Yeah, I said it.

11. Vanessa Anne Hudgens

(2007 Rank: NR, 2008 Rank: NR)

I know she can’t seem to show the common sense to keep her fucking clothes on if she doesn’t want to be seen naked but…any one that can turn my attention away from Zac Efron deserves to be on here. Gabriela has my heart always…NOW PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON! It’s cold out there!

Well, we have gone from number 20 to number 11! Tommorow, I will bring to you the Top Ten Sauciest Ladies of 2009! Not like any of this matters; none of them return my phone calls or letters. *Sigh* Until tomorrow, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Very Little Life Exists In Shallow Water. Yes, I Can Be Fucking Poetic Sometimes.

2009-10-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

So I really wanted to touch on a topic that I covered a while back because it seemed to need repeating. So as I have gotten older, I have realized that the act of being shallow hits new lows. Now what bugs me about this isn’t the act of being shallow it is the denial and utter and complete lies that go along with the act. Now I will be the first to admit that I am no Terrance Bi Efron-Howard so some would say I have right to ever be selective in who I decide to (or not to) date/associate with. Let’s look at this with a little bit of logic. I know that is hard if nigh impossible for some of you fucktards but bear with me. Your dumb ass might learn something. So it is time to revisit a few things from my past rants with…

Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!

Today’s Topic: Seriously, What Is Wrong With Being Shallow?

Now first things first: I Poppa freaks all the honeys:

GRIFF BOY TELL’EM! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Anyway, please understand one thing here: there is a difference (Albeit slight) of being shallow and selective. Being selective means that even though something isn’t your thing you give it a try once. If it doesn’t work out and you would rather not go after than trait again then by all means that shows at least SOME semblance of growth. If you are with a dude that kicks your ass or with a woman that decides that maybe she still wants to be with her ex and you decide “You know, maybe a man that hits me with a brainbuster isn’t for me?” or “Maybe when a woman wants to split time between two dudes that isn’t in my best interest” I don’t think it is shallow to not want to date that kind of person again. That is just being smart. Now I honestly believe that is in RARE cases because at the end of the day, if you end up dating that kind of person more than once you are a dipshit, glutton for punishment or both. Even better, MARRYING that kind of person in which I have to say you are the ultimate in fucktard. Hey, I am in that boat too but I know I was a ticket buyer for the Good Ship Stupidass and I don’t use it as an excuse to still make bad decisions about who I chose. Or who chooses me…I KEEPS IT INTERESTING ON THE PASSION OF CHACHI, BABY!

So if knowing what you don’t want is selective, what makes “shallow?” That is a very good question and all I can say is this: one person’s shallow is another person’s selective. Nothing wrong with having a “no fatties” clause in your dating style if that aint your thing. I personally think unless you were beaten up by a gang of fatties when you were younger (In which all I have to say is you should have just dropped the sandwich and lived another day) then you are being a punk but hey; I feel the same way about Black women so I feel your decision. I have said it before and I will say it again: nothing wrong with being shallow.

However, when you are shallow there are a few rules that you have to follow lest I break your skull open for being a dipshit. And here are those rules:

Rule #1: You Cannot Justify Being Shallow With Past Experiences.

Now I said before that there are times when you date someone and you realize that that person wasn’t right for you and then put all of those people in a box. I reiterate; that is completely fine. The odds of someone saying “Just because he beats you like your last husband/boyfriend doesn’t make him a bad guy!” or “Just because she is cheating on you like your last girlfriend doesn’t make her a whore like she was!” are slim. If you have a friend that is saying that you need to shoot them in the fucking face because they are not worth the air they are stealing from people that deserve it. However, not wanting to date brunettes because “Jill was a brunette” or not wanting to date someone with glasses because “Eric wore glasses” is just stupid. Like I said, to each their own but if you are alone or with a dipshit because you don’t want to date a girl with short hair then it is your own fault. You can’t say shit about there are no good people because your qualifiers for weeding out the opposite sex are fucking stupid.

Rule #2: Accept That Being Shallow Makes You A Worthless Shit.

Listen to me and listen well: being shallow is just like being racist or sexist but worse. At least racism and sexism are grounded in some sort of deep rooted false belief that can be traced back to eras if not generations when people were stupid and simply didn’t know that women or coloreds were people. Women is still debatable but a Black man invented peanut butter AND the stop light. Bitches ain’t made shit. Damn, I am hilarious and TAKE A FUCKING JOKE. We are all about the lulz here at The Passion. The fact is that when you are shallow you are judging someone from what you see externally which makes you no better than Hitler. Are you telling me that Hitler was like:

“The Jews are not people and must be exterminated! Except that one guy, Ishmael. He loves the ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’ just like me! Boy can he Jitterbug! Great guy he is…but the rest of those heebs must DIE!”

No, Hitler hated all people and felt that his was the master race. And yet, he was ugly as fuck and a Austrian raised in a household of Jews to boot. Which means one thing: not only was he a cock-sucking worthless shit with bad hair (SO not faboo!) that ruined that kick ass mustache for everyone….he was a hypocrite. Just like all shallow people. Being shallow is fine and dandy but just accept yourself for what you are: a worthless, bitch-made coward that deserves to be die alone. But as long as you are good with it, run with that shit like Barry Sanders.

Rule #3: You CANNOT Complain About Being Lonely.

There are two things I never complain about:

1. Not having sex.
2. Being a fattie.

You know why? Because they are of my own doing. I could exercise more but I don’t. I try but man….that shit is hard. Probably should start my own big man dance crew or something. I get funky fresh moves AND get in shape. Usher and Bi watch out! As for the sex thing….that is also of my own doing. In my defense it is usually in defense because I don’t want an STD (Like herpes) or I am just not interested in the person. Not for reasons of being shallow, but for reasons of that woman being crazy, needy or too old. Or sometimes all fucking three. At the end of the day, I take responsibility for that because I could just run around all crazy and lose weight or just take the sex from the ladies that offer it. I don’t and I accept my fate. So with that being said, one cannot complain about being lonely or screwed over because you end up with (Either consciously or unconsciously) the same type of asshats over and over again. Only finding a certain type of person attractive or approachable is fine and well within you to do. That is your choice and dammit we should respect it. However, it is YOUR choice and you are not able to bitch about YOUR bad choices and where they lead you. Now you can use it to reflect or for humor purposes but if your sole argument is that “the opposite sex aint shit” then as Katt Williams said the problem is with you and your clientele. If you opened up your horizons you may not be so unhappy. I did and look at me. I got fucked over…*sigh* again. BUT I change my horizons and that is all that matters. That and I am a different case. Anyone will tell you, my life is just fucking weird when it comes to that. It’s like I attract the crazy, the needy and the masses. I am the Ellis Island for females. Either way, if you are shallow and lonely quit your bitching. You KNOW who you are.

Rule #4: Turnabout Is Fair Play If You Are Shallow. Deal With It.

One thing about being shallow is that you usually attract shallow fucking people. Two shallow people together are like two crackheads: they can only really love each other because normal people will either not put up with that shit or will get screwed over by them and become shallow as well. When you date or marry a crackhead you usually become one OR they treated you so poorly that you can’t find happiness (And all your electronics will be mysteriously missing) after that person because you have yet to figure out how you could stay with someone so stupid for so long when the answer is that they made you stupid as well and my GOD I SO FUCKING RULE! I just created science right there! I am the Bill Nye of relationships:

Now everyone at some point aside from Bi has been turned down for some reason. I mean…who can turn down THIS?

When you are shallow your choice of opposite sex is narrowed down to a small few. Usually, they have whittled down THEIR choices to a small few and odds are it isn’t you. So if you are shallow and you play in a small pool and you get turned down you CANNOT BITCH ABOUT IT. It is your own fucking fault for narrowing yourself to a small section of society which kind of creates a little something that West Virginia and Kentucky know all about: inbreeding. When you are show you usually attract shallow people who odds are don’t find you to be what THEY are looking for so you end up being all pissy about your experiences when in the end it is YOUR fault because you look for a section of people that odds are have the brain capacity of a fucking gerbil and half the personality. You ever noticed how most shallow people have the depth of a pomegranate? Yep…that about wraps 75% of men in a nutshell. Oh, and then niggas and thugs so just replace Jagerbombs with Incredible Hulks or Cognac. Niggas, bros and guidos: the unholy trifecta of douchery and fuckery.

At the end of the day, aint nothing wrong with being choosy but you have to accept the choice you made or are making. I get rather annoyed about people “finding themselves” or saying that all women or men are “worthless.” Now I know that there are two or three (Not sure how many readers I officially have as my traffic ranges from two people a day to over 120 some days) of you that will say that all I do is say women are worthless which on the surface is true. But I also state that it isn’t about the sex as a whole, it is about the individuals. Not all women are bad just the same as not all of them are good people. There are shallow, self-absorbed user bitches just like there are women that are intelligent, funny and great conversationalists. Now there are only six…maybe seven of those tops in the United States but they are THERE, DAMMIT! That is all that matters: they exist. If you are shallow, you will never find them because you will be stuck with fucktards and skanks. And Jagerbombs. Good luck with that.

Well, that is all for now. I will try to be back tomorrow with something Monday night but I may not and just enjoy the free day. Until the next time, stay up.

Chachi Out.

Oy Vey, I Am So Sleepy. But I Gotta Give The Peeps What They Want!

2009-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

We are back once again with a new Top 30! We have three debuts this week as we say goodbye to A.I., Big Bang and NICO Touches the Walls:

30. Nana Mizuki - Mugen (New Entry)
29. Tsuji Shion - M/elody (Last Week #24)
28. NYCCA feat. JESSE from RIZE - Brave (New Entry)
27. Jasmine - Sad To Say (Last Week #22)
26. JAYED - Everybody (Last Week #28)
25. Spontania feat. AZU - Onaji Sora Mitsumeteru Anata ni (New Entry)
24. Taegoon - Betrayed (Last Week #29)
23. UVERworld - GO-ON (Last Week #19, Two Weeks at #1)
22. HAM T.T. Dance (Last Week #25)
21. Crystal Kay feat. KANAME - After Love ~First Boyfriend~ (Last Week #16)
20. Inoue Joe - GO!! (Last Week #15)
19. SWEET BLACK feat. MAKI GOTO & BIGGA RAIJI - Queen Bee (Last Week #26)
18. Ikimonogakari - YELL (Last Week #21)
17. SCANDAL - BEAUTeen!! (Last Week #12)
16. (f)x - Lachata (Last Week #18)
15. Drunken Tiger - Monster (Last Week #11, One Week at #1)
14. Mihimaru GT - Unlock (Last Week #20)
13. Base Ball Bear - Stairway Generation (Last Week #9)
12. Brave Brothers feat. Son Dam Bi & Lee Min Woo - Invisible (Last Week #14)
11. Ayuse Kozue - Dont Let You Down (Last Week #13)
10. G-DRAGON - Heartbreaker (Last Week #7)
9. G-Dragon - Breathe (Last Week #17) [Biggest Mover]
8. Super Junior - Super Girl (Last Week #10)
7. Brown Eyed Girls - Abracadabra (Last Week #5)
6. 4Minute - Musik (Last Week #8)
5. Abingdon Boys School - Kimi no Uta (Last Week #3, Three Weeks at #1)
4. Jewelry - Vari2ty (Last Week #6)
3. Epik High - Wannabe (Last Week #4)
2. Stereopony - Smilife (Last Week #2)
1. Miho Fukuhara - LET IT OUT (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

Nana Mizuki is back! Spontania has their second Top 30 video of 2009 while NYCCA makes a debut this week in a video and song that has been in my head for the last few days. Stereopony holds on to the runner up spot this week as they try to break the wall that artists like Paramore, Hearts Grow, Game and BACK-ON did before them and finally take the top spot after two or more Top 10 videos. Miho Fukuhara holds on to the crown this week, holding of a challenge from Stereopony AND Epik High for a second week in a row. Super Junior and G-Dragon make moves this week while the honeymoon seems to be over for Brown Eyed Girls and Base Ball Bear. Look out for Jewelry and 4Minute, they are sneaking around there as well!

Ayuse Kozue is just outside of the Top 10 in her eighth week, while SCANDAL, UVERworld and Drunken Tiger continue to fall. Mihimaru GT has had a quiet year but looks to have their second Top 10 video of the year, as they move up six more spots this week.

Tune in next week to see if Miho Fukuhara can make it THREE WEEKS in a row in hopes of SOMEONE making it past the elusive one month mark of YA-KYIM and 2NE1. Or will Stereopony FINALLY slay the dragon and take the crown for the first time? Or will Epik High be the first hip hop #1 video in almost a year since T.I. took the top spot with "Live Your Life" last year?

See you in seven to find out!

Two Is Not A Winner And Three No One Remembers. YOU FUCKERS HAVE ME QUOTING NELLY!

2009-10-07T22:20:00.002-07:00

Colorado Springs, I am disappointed in you. Last year I had a post about how Denver was the #1 drunkest city in 2006 (Which I will take the majority of the credit thank you very much because if you knew me…I threw the fuck down!) and 2008 according to Men’s Health. I also told you that I wanted Colorado Springs to be #1 for 2009. Well, the tally is in and once again, CSP has failed to deliver. We are still #3 (Behind Milwaukee which is a given) and I just wanted to voice my overall disappointment in our performance. Now as the leader of “Let’s Get Loaded For America 2009” I will take most of the responsibility and shoulder the blame. I should have worked you harder. Practiced more often. I mean Denver has three major sports team venues in a prime area for drinking and Colorado Springs doesn’t have that.

Still, I have to say that you all gave it the college try. We tried our best and sadly we couldn’t overtake the drunken douchery that is Denver. But 2010 is a new year. It is time to take the crown away from Denver once and for all! This is going to take a lot of training and hard work. You will need to drink. A lot. Not just on Fridays and Saturdays. You may have to pull some weekdays out to make this dream a reality. You will work harder than you have ever had to before but in the end, it will all be worth it to be a champion. A champion of drunkenness. And it will feel good, I mean after the massive hangover wears off. Then, and only then will we be able to have our own Super Bowl Shuffle:

You can be The Fridge. Not Jim McMahon, I am the punky QB, not you! Training starts Saturday, peeps. Works out great because it’s the Florida/LSU game and playoff baseball should be on. Remember, YOU’RE THE BEST!

Around…nothing is ever going to keep you down. Except maybe a few bottles of sake. It will be worth it. Now follow me to immortality! Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Dear Sony, FUCK YOU. And A New Number One Video, But Mostly FUCK SONY!

2009-09-30T14:19:00.001-07:00

What is up, peeps?! I am back and I am saddened because due to the fuckery of Sony (I OWN ALL THREE PLAYSTATIONS! WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!) I pulled a certian someone off the Countdown with much sadness because I love her SO MUCH!

:(

With that, there is MUCH MOVEMENT in the Top 30 including a record SIX new entries, a record breaking move and a new number one!

30. BIG BANG - Gara Gara Go! (Last Week #25, One Week at #1)
29. Taegoon - Betrayed (New Entry)
28. JAYED - Everybody (New Entry)
27. YA-KYIM - HAPPY FACE (Last Week #21)
26. SWEET BLACK feat. MAKI GOTO & BIGGA RAIJI - Queen Bee (New Entry)
25. HAM T.T. Dance (New Entry)
24. Tsuji Shion - M/elody (Last Week #20)
23. A.I. Story (New Entry)
22. Jasmine - Sad To Say (Last Week #18)
21. Ikimonogakari - YELL (New Entry)
20. Mihimaru GT - Unlock (Last Week #29)
19. UVERworld - GO-ON (Last Week #16, Two Weeks at #1)
18. (f)x - Lachata (Last Week #22)
17. G-Dragon - Breathe (Last Week #27)
16. Crystal Kay feat. KANAME - After Love ~First Boyfriend~ (Last Week #12)
15. Inoue Joe - GO!! (Last Week #14)
14. Brave Brothers feat. Son Dam Bi & Lee Min Woo - Invisible (Last Week #19)
13. Ayuse Kozue - Dont Let You Down (Last Week #17)
12. SCANDAL - BEAUTeen!! (Last Week #10)
11. Drunken Tiger - Monster (Last Week #7, One Week at #1)
10. Super Junior - Super Girl (Last Week #13)
9. Base Ball Bear - Stairway Generation (Last Week #6)
8. 4Minute - Musik (Last Week #11)
7. G-DRAGON - Heartbreaker (Last Week #2)
6. Jewelry - Vari2ty (Last Week #9)
5. Brown Eyed Girls - Abracadabra (Last Week #4)
4. Epik High - Wannabe (Last Week #23) [Biggest Mover]
3. Abingdon Boys School - Kimi no Uta (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
2. Stereopony - Smilife (Last Week #5)
1. Miho Fukuhara - LET IT OUT (Last Week #3, One Week at #1)

Okay, first off with YUI dropping TWO videos out we got some new stuff from Goto Maki, Ikimonogakari (Their fourth video to chart this year! That is tied with YA-KYIM for the most I believe!), Mihimaru GT and the return of AI for the first time since March of 2007! Taegoon, HAM and Jay'ed also make debuts this week.

EPIK HIGH moves a record NINETEEN SPOTS THIS WEEK, which was going to happen even without the situation which breaks the record set by Super Junior last week. Also, Inoue Joe holds on for his 13th week on the Countdown, giving him the fourth longest reign of the year behind:

Tsuji Shion - Sky Chord (27 WEEKS!)
Inoue Joe - Closer (20 weeks)
RSP x Bubble Gum Brothers - La La La Love Song (16 weeks)

Yep, he is on there TWICE. Also, we have a new number one this week as Miho Fukahara takes the top spot in the biggest upset since LM.C knocked off 2NE1 this summer. Totally in love with that song (And oddly enough, FMA: Brotherhood which is kind of kicking ass right now). Much respect to Abingdon Boys School who was able to hold off UVERworld, G-Dragon, Brown Eyed Girls AND Drunken Tiger in their three weeks on top.

Well, I will see you all in seven! Make sure to look at the nominees for the 3rd Annual Chachi Music Video Awards!

Chachi Out

Kicking It Old School...Because I Ain't Cool Enough To Be New School.

2009-09-28T20:54:00.003-07:00

Okay, I am bummed out and tired as shit so I am reposting a blog from about a year ago that I re-edited then from about six months prior. It was one of the first blogs Copper read and I feel bad because it was one of the blogs that GOT ME A FAN BASE and then I got all emo and stopped updating because I decided not to compromise, not even in the face of armageddon.

I. LOVE. WATCHMEN. Anyway, I decided to repost this after seeing the "Booty Bump" commercial while I was making breakfast (At like...10am...) and I realized that the only difference between that and grills in the mid-2000's for Black men is...about 100 dollars or so. I thought this post was HILARIOUS then and even funnier now since a lot of it proved to be true even though the original point of this post was just a standard rant about something isolated that I created a humorous generalization about. It's a skill that few understand. Anyway, here we go.

So yesterday Zach and I had a very insightful conversation about that bimbo game that was made in England (Brits…like sober Japanese people) and we were talking about how women always claim to be “exploited” and “portrayed unfairly” when LITERALLY half the time these images are either being created or perpetuated by women themselves. How many times have women claimed that they are made to live up to an naturally unattainable version of beauty that is created and reinforced by men yet women THEMSELVES are creating fashion lines that cut off the circulation to their legs and creating bras that lift and separate to the point that your breasts need a tourniquet? What really irks me is the fact that the rational that women give that “well, at least it is a woman making the money rather than a man!” Wow, that is some niggerish logic right there.

Wait a minute…EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!

Women are the new Black.

It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps…

Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!

Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.

Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.

Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.

Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!

Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.

Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.

Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.

Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass... )

Did that dead honkey cracka just say NEGRO?! FUCK YOU. Anyway, it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon. FUCK I TOTALLY BLOCKED THAT SHIT OUT. WHO SAYS NEGRO?! EVEN IN THE FUCKING 80'S?! Oh, and to divert a little, someone had the nerve to say that "Well, that was just the era that he was from" to which I say "well, beating women for breathing and having children work in mines was from that era but you wouldnt put up with THAT shit now would you?" because that is a fucking cop out. Ugh, I need a fucking drink.

Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time (I kid, I kid! Women's suffering is awesome! Oh, I mean...sufferage?). However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX, women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?! Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?

I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never…EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.

Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.

This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.

WOMEN

I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?

You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment. Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes…just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.

Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.

At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar, too.

Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps of peeps that I am down to ride for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!

Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.

Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:

1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. I have A LOT of them...but I have an addiction and you should respect my problem. Either way, you have seen the music videos and you have been to the mall or the club. Women and Black men have sunglasses that would make Liberace look straight. I'm talking Robert Downey Jr. straight.
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants. And dont you fucking DARE wear a belt with that shit. It looks dumb.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. I am a shoe whore but I AM BEAUTIFUL, DAMMIT!But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing. All because niggas are stupid, I couldn't wear a Falcons jersey.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. They work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books. SOURCE MAGAZINE AINT A BOOK!

Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:

• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their lower back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & J-Pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and they JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design: I Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of:

A pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding

…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.

In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon:

I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it? HEAVY D, FOOL!

Anyway, I am about to head to bed because tomorrow I have to get up earlier. Ugh.

Oh, and I am NOT optimistic about R. Kelly being put in the jail. If they JUST got Roman Polanski...R. Kelly may be 80 when they finally take him down. At that point, he will be pissing on people because he can't hold it in. Oy vey.

Chachi Out

Say What You Will About Bobby Brown, At Least He Only Peed In A Cop Car.

2009-09-22T17:43:00.002-07:00

Alright, I guess I am back again. It has been about a week and the hangover from NDK is over (Got my ticket for next year and looking at going to Anime Nebraskon if anyone is interested) and I have finally gotten my bearings back…for more bullshit.

WHY IN THE FUCK ISN’T R.KELLY IN JAIL?! THAT NIGGA IS STILL MAKING MUSIC!

With Keri Hilson of all people. Now any woman that will work with R. Kelly AND Chris Brown has something wrong with her on all points but that is my personal opinion and this is my blog so if you don’t like it you can eat a dick and find something else on the web. Now I am not trying to JUSTIFY what anyone has done as a crime. Let’s look at this logically. R. Kelly peed on someone. Yes, Michael Vick punished dogs that lost their fight (Although I would say to you that if we killed the losers of sports more often, we would get a better product but I digress) and Plaxico Burress went to jail FOR SHOOTING HIS OWN DUMB ASS IN THE LEG FOR TWO GOD DAMN YEARS (A blog on that in a few days, actually. It is one reason I am boycotting New York because that is some dipshittery right there) but R. Kelly is documented ON TAPE in the ANNALS OF TIME PISSING ON SOMEONE! Even if that girl was a minor, that aint my concern. My concern is that a grown ass man peed on someone. What is wrong with your head that makes you pee on someone, on camera, that is underage and then have the nerve to say that it wasn’t you. It sure as hell wasn’t Avant, nigga!

He don’t even look like R. Kelly! Now I know Black people have some sort of issue with admitting the guilt of their “heroes” and I will agree. I defend Mike Vick from the logical aspect that once you pay a debt to society that you should have the right to ATTEMPT (I repeat to all you animal fags, ATTEMPT) to go back to work without people who think they are above reproach complain about his actions which in the grand scheme of things effect you in no way whatsoever. Yeah, I said it. I also sympathized with Rick James because…cocaine is a hell of a drug. Same with Ol’ Dirty Bastard. One love to Dirt Dog…

Kanye, THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT! Now I am sure if you have read this blog that my hatred of all things goes in line like this:

1. Jesus (He knows why)
2. Black People (If niggas read, they would know why. But since you don’t IT IS BECAUSE YOU DON’T READ! And didn’t support “Reading Rainbow.” LEVAR BURTON IS BLIND, YOU ASSHOLES)
3. Bros (Faux-hawk = you are gay. If you have one, wore one or are thinking of getting one you are gayer that a dick-sucking train at Kanye West’s house)
4. Conservatives (You cling to guns and religion because you can no longer cling to your cousin. Damn laws can’t stop my West Virginia lovin!)
5. R. KELLY (Okay, I like the “Ignition” remix because it is scandal proof but…HE IS NOT A TARGET! That child’s FACE was a target)
6. Christians/Catholics…fuck it, all of people that read a book with a fake ass deity that made shit from Play-Doh and a bottle of tequila
7. 50 Cent (He falls because I aint even seen his gorilla looking ass in like a year)
8. Turks (Swarthy bastards! Like Persians in hammerpants!)
9. Liberals (I hate hippies, so fucking much)
10. Women (Remember when I said being a woman was the new nigger? You are now at the back of the bus. DAMN, I KEEPS IT OFFENSIVE. Wow…that was NOT COOL)

So with all that said, my anger with R. Kelly really isn’t pointed at him because he didn’t pee on me (Now Keith Sweat on the other hand…) per se, but he did pee on the law and basic common sense. Now every persons defense of this nasty ass man is that is if…

Now that is a logical argument. I don’t see piss very often that isn’t coming from me, but if I saw it you best believe I am getting out of the stream and I am swinging on someone. The common sense aspect of this argument is…

WHY IN THE FUCK IS HE PEEING ON SOMEONE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE?!

Seriously, I am as open as the next person. However, if you engage in water sports, furrism (Is that how they say it? Who cares, furries shouldn’t be reading this anyway, they should be fucking each other in their hoppy bunny suits) or interspecies erotica (Sans collies, because they are the Angelina Jolie of the animal kingdom) then there is something wrong with your brain piece. Each their own, but that shit is gross. Ask anyone that saw my porn collection in the mid-2000’s, I was one freak of a dude but even I can’t condone another grown person pissing on a minor and say that shit is okay. Now two consenting adults peeing on each other…I’m cool with that. It’s not the first idea I would have for a good time but I also fantasize about a five-way with Kristen Chenoweth, Hyori Lee, Zac Efron and Princess Peach in a vat of applesauce so…what do I know?

Mmmm…can you imagine that with the Eff in a big tub of Mott’s Apple-Cinnamon applesauce? I can…and that shit is HOT. Anyway, back on the deviant (IRONY, it is priceless). At the end of the day, it’s the blatant denial of the fact that he doesn’t have a problem with young women that is shocking. I mean I like a loli as much as the next woodland animal but I would never pee on one. We all know about the Aaliyah situation (Rest her soul, I need me a resolution) and have heard rumors about others and he just acts like that shit is normal. Having young friends CAN be normal but…I think that peeing on them crosses a line of SOME SORT. Not sure which line, but it’s there.

Sorry, I just heard an R. Kelly song on the radio and I just felt like as bad as people have treated Chris Brown despite the fact Rihanna has a dome-piece that could kill a tyrannosaurs rex like Bonk from “Bonk’s Adventure” so odds are he was defending himself because she found the meat power-up…he never peed on her. I think, and if she did SHE IS GROWN AND KNOWS TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. Children are stupid and slow; it’s why they have their own zones and we have to drive slow in them. So we need to protect them from R. Kelly because piss comes faster than a car ever will.

And with that…I think I just jumped the shark. Almost 800 posts, I thought it would take a hell of a lot longer. Well, that is all for now. Countdown on Friday and maybe a post on Sunday depending on whether or not I go to D-Town or not. Until then, stay up.

AND NO PISSING ON MINORS!

Chachi Out

Much Like She, Life Is Like The Wind.

2009-09-14T18:03:00.003-07:00

Aw shit, I am back again! It has been almost a month since I last blogged and quite simply, I promise the gaps won’t be nearly as long as that anymore. However, I am going to honestly say that I am not going to be updating once a day like I was during the Spring. Blogging is harder than it looks…well, blogging without being a mouthy Twitter is harder than it looks.

Quick updates: I just got back from NDK 2009 and I am fricking exhausted. From the soju and the suffering bastards on Friday (Which I don’t remember a lot of after about…8pm. If anyone knows or if anyone is pregnant, you may just want to drop me a line. I’m just saying. Either way, fun was had and odds are this is the last time I will be Chef for the whole convention. Stop crying, children! Chef may return but I want to try something new for next year’s NDK (PRE-REG, FOOL!) so after Anime Wasabi of 2010, Chef will be officially retired. Or will he…? We’ll see, children!

Anyway, enough of the formalities. Now it is time for some people to shut the fuck up. Mostly, people who are upset at the Kanye West incident at the VMA’s yesterday or something. First off, there are some things YOU need to hold yourself to task on:

1. Why In The Fuck Where You Watching The VMA’s?: Let’s be honest here; the last video I saw on MTV was either Backstreet Boys or N’SYNC. Because boy bands were the last time people gave a shit about a music video on MTV. Honestly, there is a major reason why the Countdown has gone from being about 70/30 J-Pop & K-Pop/American music to 100% Asian. The medium of music video is DEAD and the fact that MTV acts like they still play them is utter and complete bullshit. Besides, don’t they have another shitty reality show to play?
2. It’s Kanye West, What Where You Expecting?: Now I for one am a fan of about…20-25% of Kanye’s work. Mostly just “808’s & Heartbreak” and of course the FUCKING AWESOME “Us Placers”:

But for the most part, the dude has gone nuts. So why did you expect anything less from a crazy person? Remember the Patton Oswalt joke about America being the retarded trustfund child fucking up the rest of the world with are special ed demands? America…Kanye is your parallel. Which also means you are a closet homosexual. Yeah, I said it.
3. It Is All Bullshit Anyway: Now some will say that it is her award and it was rude to interrupt her speech and you won’t get an argument from me because I could care less about either one unless Kanye decided to Chris Brown her. Let’s look at this…I mean REALLY look at this. I decided to go to MediaTakeOut (Or as I so affectionately call it, “The Nigger News” and if anyone can remember who I got that from you get a free Shasta) and see the winner list and I say to myself..

“In this day and age, if you believe that any awards show that gives anything but a punch to the cunt to Lady GaGa or Katy Perry is reputable then you need to be eliminated. You are fucking up the gene pool.”

Winning an MTV Award is like winning the award for being the smartest person from West Virginia; you are still dumber than a drunken ferret.

Long story short, you knew this shit was bound to happen and it occurred someplace where I am shocked people gave a shit. I guess it was the most important thing that happened last night because I didn’t even know (Or care) it was on until I realized I was missing America’s Best Dance Crew. Long story short, Kanye West is nuts and a douche. We all knew that, so why in the fuck are people shocked about this shit? If anything, I am more upset he had the nerve to wear that gay-ass vest and said that Beyonce deserved that award. A solitary shot of three women dancing isn’t a music video, it’s just cheap editing. “Single Ladies” ranks up there with DJ Taz’s “That’s Right” as the worst video and song EVER. Don’t believe me? Go watch it and tell me it doesn’t suck. I’ll wait.

You back? Told you it sucked and sadly it was better than that trifling ass Beyonce song. MTV sucks, Kanye West is a douche, Beyonce is an average at best…whatever she is and Talor Swift…I don’t really know much about her so…she’s better than Miley Cyrus. Again, not saying much. Where in the hell was BoA in that category, anyway?!:

Now THAT’S how you make a video, ladies. Start of by being Korean, learning to dance, looking good soaking wet and getting Keith Sweat’s nephew to make you a track. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On a serious note, as I was writing this I found out that Patrick Swayze passed away after over a year of fighting with cancer. Cancer is an asshole. As most of you know, I have pretty much patterned my life around three movies:

1. Big Trouble In Little China
2. Grosse Point Blank (POPCORN!)
3. Dirty Dancing

I also follow the words of Pootie Tang, but I just can’t always understand him. It is a damn shame that he is gone because there are few movies he did that I didn’t like. I mean come on, HE WAS IN FUCKING ROAD HOUSE! Let us not forget about “Ghost” with all of his pasty white hotness. I mean, if you are in to that kind of thing.

Patrick Swayze will forever be missed, and we can only hope that the dreamy Hugh Jackman WILL FINALLY STEP HIS GAME UP AND FILL THE VOID IN OUR HEARTS FOR A RUGGED MAN WITH A HEART OF PURE GOLD!

That is all for now. I will try to be up Friday for the Countdown. I didn’t post it on the blog last week due to NDK and the Hilton’s internet connection being SHIT. So here is the Countdown for last week:

30. (f)x - Lachata (New Entry)
29. YA-KYIM - Tabun Kitto (Last Week #23, Two Weeks at #1) [Plunge of the Week]
28. Dream - Perfect Girls (Last Week #30)
27. 4Minute – Musik (New Entry)
26. YUI – It’s All Too Much (New Entry)
25. Brave Brothers feat. Son Dam Bi & Lee Min Woo - Invisible (Last Week #28)
24. DNT – Crazily Pretty (Last Week #20)
23. Ayuse Kozue – Don’t Let You Down (Last Week #25)
22. Seamo – My Answer (Last Week #19)
21. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR - Good Bye (Last Week #22)
20. 2NE1 – I Don’t Care (Last Week #16, One Week at #1)
19. NICO TOUCHES THE WALLS – Hologram (Last Week #15)
18. Jewelry - Vari2ty (Last Week #24)
17. Gackt – The Next Decade (Last Week #17)
16. BIG BANG – Gara Gara Go! (Last Week #13, One Week at #1)
15. Crystal Kay feat. KANAME - After Love ~First Boyfriend~ (Last Week #18)
14. JAY’ED – Cry For You (Last Week #12)
13. Stereopony - Smilife (Last Week #21) [Biggest Mover]
12. Tsuji Shion – M/elody (Last Week #7)
11. SCANDAL - BEAUTeen!! (Last Week #14)
10. YA-KYIM – HAPPY FACE (Last Week #6)
9. Inoue Joe – GO!! (Last Week #10)
8. G-DRAGON - Heartbreaker (Last Week #11)
7. Miho Fukuhara – LET IT OUT (Last Week #9)
6. Jasmine – Sad To Say (Last Week #4)
5. Base Ball Bear – Stairway Generation (Last Week #8)
4. UVERworld – GO-ON (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)
3. Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra (Last Week #5)
2. Drunken Tiger - Monster (Last Week #3)
1. Abingdon Boys School - Kimi no Uta (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

Yes, Abingdon Boys School is back at #1 for the first time since 2007! Anyway, I will be up again soon. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

Meat & Me...Wow, That Sounds Really Gay. Gayer Than I Usually Do, Anyway.

2009-08-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

What’s up, peeps?! I am back after two weeks or so because last week was kind of meh once again. I will say this though; it’s good to be back.

So last week I decided to try something. After being told I was too fat to use the Wii and my subsequent call with Nintendo which pretty much went:

Me: Your system is broken. Wii Fit says I am too fat to get fit. Should I just give up?
Nintendo: No, it’s just that our Fit Board® has a weight limit to it. However, once you get down to the Wii Fit’s targeted weight you are free and able to use the Wii Fit and all of its features in your fitness regimine!
Me: So…I have to lose weight to be able to use the Wii Fit…so I can lose weight.
Nintendo: Um…
Me: If I had found a way to lose the weight to get on the Wii Fit board, why would I use the Wii Fit AFTER THAT?
Nintendo: Um…
Me: Yeah, I’ll just wait for Metroid from Team Ninja.
Nintendo: Met-what-now?
(I hang up)

Now that is pretty much how it went. If Nintendo gave a shit and had a complaint line because they are too busy fucking schoolgirls on a pile of casual fan and housewife money, I mean. With that being said, Nintendo can eat a dick from now on. Until Metroid from Team Ninja:

Damn you, Team Ninja. Damn you.

So enough on my hatred of those jerkasses. Last week I decided to try a little something. I made a little bet with myself that I couldn’t give up meat for a full month. I first off never realized how easy meat-eaters have it. It is almost like being White; no matter where you go everything is great for you. Like Louis CK said:

Being a meat-eater is the same way. You can go to any restaurant and they have something that you want. Everything kicks ass for you. However, if you want to get something WITHOUT meat…you are kind of fucked. Especially if you don’t want to be one of those tree hugging, patchouli oil wearing, sun dress wearing, dreadlock having, Prius driving douchebag hippie fucks that eat all organic bullshit and think they are better off for it because “I am lean AND saving the planet!” to which I say that I will rape you with a fucking tube steak. Ass to mouth, fucker. Ass to mouth. Wow, I worked in “ass to mouth” in a blog for the fifth time this year. Dare I say…RECORD! Wait, I worked that in 17 times last year. IN DECEMBER. I need to get on the ball.

So I am on day three (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and I realized one thing in a major way: if you are going to give up meat, don’t get meat substitutes because they are not the same. Now some of you may be all like “Hey, there are some great meat alternatives that taste great!” but to that I say whoop-dee-fucking doo. That and I tried a black bean burger patty and my god…that shit was nasty. For the most part, I have no want of meat aside from the fact that it is EVERYFUCKINGWHERE! That shit is in Fruit Loops! The colors are green, yellow, blue, orange and fucking pork! I digress, though. I don’t really miss it very much, although it has only been three days so there hasn’t been much to miss. The real test is going to Korean barbeque or the karaoke bar and not having any galbi or bulgogi. That…is going to be FUCKING ROUGH. Either way it hasn’t been bad so far and giving up meat for a while gives me an excuse to eat the FUCK out of pears and I love them shits. Theys delicious. And applesauce:

I got that applesauce, bitch! So I will keep you abreast of how things go. You know, I need a kickass name for this event. I will call it…

Chachi’s 30 Days Without Meat!

Well, minus Nan Desu Kan. I have NO IDEA what will happen there because I am going to try my best to make photos the only way I remember that weekend. SLUMBER PAR-TAY! Just kidding, there is no meat in a suffering bastard or soju. BOO-YAH! News at 11, or soon. I’ll be back up later this week. Until then, stay up peeps. Oh, and get ready for the party of the year on September 12th. IT WILL ROCK YOUR FACE!!! Invites coming soon.

Chachi Out

Even I Have My Secrets. Like I Use Secret Deodorant. It's Strong Enough For Me Too!

2009-08-11T21:55:00.003-07:00

What is up, peeps?! Yes, I am back for the third straight day for the first time since April. Don’t getting used to that shit, though. So today, I thought I would try something a little bit different and level with the peeps. I am pretty open about myself and the only real guard I have up is one of rage and scathing humor because my self-esteem and pride were taken in small pieces by several women over the last 5 years or so. Rarely do I let the peeps in and see…the real me. Reason being is that inside me lies a evil that is yet to be unleashed on this world…and applesauce. I loves the applesauce. That and it is easy to have SOME kind of seperation from the persona that is Chachi and the man that is me. However, sometimes I do break the “4th Wall” and let you in to see a little bit about who I am and what makes me they way I am. There are some things I keep hidden from the world, only known by a select few people and animals. Today, I have decided to let you in and show you a little more about what makes me tick. Show you some of the things that I keep personal or hidden from you all for a myriad of reasons. Today, I break that wall down and let you know a few of…

Chachi’s Guilty Pleasures!

Guilty Pleasure #1: Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend”

Okay, a little known fact about me is that I have a thing for Avril Lavigne. I don’t know what it is, I think it is the whole “Hot Topic Punk Chic” look she has going on but man…I wants me some of that. Not only that, this song is catchy as hell. Yes, I have done this song at karaoke and NO I didn’t change the words because I awesome like that. And ambiguous, but not by design. More by default because women irritate me and men disgust me. Except for a certain man…

Guilty Pleasure #2: Byung Hun Lee

Whether you know him as Storm Shadow from the AWESOME Gi-Joe: Rise of Cobra or you know him as The Bad from EVEN MORE AWESOME The Good, The Bad, The Weird I just call him the hottest thing to come out of Korea since Park Jung Ah from Jewelry (More on her sexyfine self later). If you saw GI Joe, and when he took his shirt off when fighting Snake Eyes in their climactic battle, if you didn’t hear Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello” play in the background then male or female YOU ARE NOT A HUMAN BEING! The man is perfection in its Asian form and if you haven’t seen his work, do so. If you are a female you will (OR BETTER!) swoon and if you are a man you can do like me and envy his awesomeness. Speaking of awesomeness…

Guilty Pleasure #3: 80’s Power Ballads

Fuck you, I am from the suburbs and you know it. As one that spent the late 80’s and early 90’s overseas, all we got was:

• George Michael (YES!)
• Queen (FUCK YES!!)
• Genesis (Uh…okay?)
• Erasure (Eh, kind of indifferent)
• SNAP (If I have to hear “Rhythm Is A Dancer” one more time, I am going to smother a baby with a kitten!)
• Army Of Lovers (Rather underrated in my opinion)

• Annie Lennox/Eurythmics (Never had anything against her or the band. Although she didn’t do a great version of “Under Pressure” at the Queen tribute show but David Bowie saved it)
• David Bowie (He always was a trend setter…)
• Michael Jackson (Especially in Germany. Only the Hoff was bigger in the land of derr weiner)
• Hair bands (Shocking to me, too)

Seriously, that was it. It didn’t matter the hair band, either. If they had a power ballad, you heard it 24/7 and after a while, you began to like them. From Firehouse’s “Love Of A Lifetime” to Queensryche’s “Siment Lucidity” they got major video and airplay and with Yo! MTV raps coming on at 11pm on a Sunday I didn’t have much of a choice. Looking in retrospect, if I had to choose between Poison or Candyman, give me a rose with all the thorns in the world. Candyman SUCKED.

More later, I am in the mood for some K-Dramas. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! ARE YOU?! Good, That's Nice To Hear :)

2009-08-11T15:43:00.004-07:00

My Blogger peeps have been bugging me about putting the new Countdown up and I totally spaced on it last Friday (So you three MySpace readers get a treat, I guess). I have been posting them on YouTube but I promised I would start posting it on the Passion again a few weeks ago, so here we are...I spoil you.

Chachi's Top 30 Video Countdown!

30. 2ne1 - Fire (Last Week #26, Four Weeks at #1)
29. DNT – Crazily Pretty (New Entry)
28. Stereopony - Seishun Ni Sono Namida Ga Hitsuyou Da! (Last Week #21)
27. Base Ball Bear – Stairway Generation (New Entry)
26. Kumi Koda – Lick Me (Last Week #16) [Plunge of the Week]
25. ORANGE RANGE - Hitomi no Saki ni (Last Week #18)
24. NICO TOUCHES THE WALLS – Hologram (Last Week #30)
23. 4 Minute – Hot Issue (Last Week #14)
22. Drunken Tiger - Monster (New Entry)
21. Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra (Last Week #28)
20. Minwoo – Minovation (Last Week #20)
19. FLOW – NUTS BANG!!! (Last Week #12)
18. BoA – Energetic (Last Week #23)
17. UVERworld – GO-ON (Last Week #27) [Biggest Mover]
16. SCANDAL - Shojo S (Last Week #10)
15. YA-KYIM – HAPPY FACE (Last Week #25)
14. Inoue Joe – GO!! (Last Week #19)
13. Mihimaru GT - Torokechau Dandy (Last Week #17)
12. Madcon - Beggin (Last Week #6)
11. Jasmine – Sad To Say (Last Week #15)
10. Ikimonogakari – Hotaru No Hikari (Last Week #11)
9. Chae Yeon - Shake (Last Week #4)
8. Tsuji Shion – M/elody (Last Week #13)
7. BIG BANG – Gara Gara Go! (Last Week #9)
6. School Food Punishment - Butterfly Swimmer (Last Week #5)
5. Seamo – My Answer (Last Week #8)
4. YA-KYIM - Tabun Kitto (Last Week #2, Two Weeks at #1)
3. 2NE1 – I Don’t Care (Last Week #7)
2. Mr. Hudson featuring Kanye West - Supernova (Last Week #3)
1. SNSD (Girls Generation) – Tell Me Your Wish (Genie) [Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1]

To give an update (I didnt post it last week) Girls Generation knocked YA-KYIM from the top spot and holds it for another week! Mr. Hudson and Kanye West hold the runner up spot while 2NE1 is looking to get their second number one video of the year as they hold the number three spot. UVERworld IS FUCKING BACK and Drunken Tiger makes his way on the Countdown for the first time!

The new Countdown will be up Wednesday night/Thursday morning depending on how the schedule changes tomorrow. Until then, stay up and check the new YouTube channel! I will post the AnimeWasabi and NDK 2008 videos up there soon, too!

AND QUIT YOUR BITCHING! I WILL PUT THE COUNTDOWNS UP ON THE BLOG EVERY SATURDAY...since you are to lazy to save the fricking channel on YouTube, you know I baby you all too much. Anyway, stay up.

Chachi Out